Chapter 33

The Last Eight Years, pt. 1

Christian's POV

Present Day

2029

When you have hurt someone and destroyed what was left of them, how do you redeem yourself? How could you justify your mistakes? How do you tell the one you love that you thought what you did was right?

Those questions pound my head as I sat alone in my penthouse. Ana and I had the talk yesterday and just as I expected, she stormed off and express how I've wronged her. I didn't have the right words to defend myself. She was right. We were supposed to be in this together, but I chose to do things on my own and didn't even let her choose.

Pathetic, isn't it? I was definitely pathetic.

Living in my penthouse, I seemed to have the bachelor's dream. The white walls were immaculate and quite celestial per se. The pool outside was well-maintained. Cooks and cleaners come by weekly. I was living the dream, right?

But no, I wasn't.

I felt too empty. The white walls and ceilings reminded me of prison and the whole silence reminded me of how alone I was. The only time I felt happy in this house was when Willow came by to run around. Fuck! She was the only thing that's making me happy right now. I shook my head, missing my daughter again.

I sat by the fire furnace with my gray bathrobe on, trying to read a digital book in my tablet. As a doctor, I needed to study from time to time and make sure that I was updated of all the medical breakthroughs. However, the words never sink into my thoughts. My mind was only filled with Ana's tear-stricken face and her screams.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and I sighed deeply. I put my tablet on the side table and walk towards the door. It was already ten in the evening. My brows furrowed as I couldn't think of anyone who could come visit me this late. Or maybe, it was Gail? Maybe there's an emergency and they're in trouble?

When I opened the door, I saw Ana standing there.

"A-ana?" my voice stammered, completely shocked that she was standing by my doorstep at this time of night.

She was in a black coat, her fingers clearly shaking. She was looking down the ground, biting her lip.

"Christian," her voice was shaking.

"Come in, please. You'll get a cold," I took her inside and got her coat and placed it by the foyer. My thick duvet was on the couch as I planned to sleep there tonight. I wrapped the duvet around her trembling body.

The whole time, she didn't dare to look at me. That made me feel more fucking horrible about myself. She can't even gaze straightly into my eyes and in all the things that made her avoid me, there was no one else to blame but me.

"Come here," I led her to the vacant seat by the fire furnace and hoped that the heat would comfort her. She was breathing, shivering, hands trembling beneath the duvet. She was leaning closer to the furnace and I was so worried about her.

"Would you like me to get you a hot drink?"

"No," she almost whispered.

"Are you sure?" I was going to get her a hot drink anyway.

"Just please, let's talk," she almost sounded like she's pleading.

I gulped and ambled my way to the seat across her. I sat and stared into her fragile frame. Her hair wasn't brushed as neatly as usual and her lips obviously trembled.

"Ana, please let me get you a—"

"No, Christian," her tired eyes finally met mine and it was more than enough to make me sit still and listen to her.

I nodded, giving in and trying to ease my worry.

She took a deep breath before saying with the bravest voice she can manage, "I went to Doc Daisy this morning and she told me that it would be best to listen to what you have to say and for you to do the same with me. I'm ready, Christian. Just tell me everything and I'll tell you everything too."

"I will," I said without hesitations. In fact, I was relieved that we were having this conversation.

Ana and I stared into each other's eyes for quite a long time before I questioned, "So where do we start?"

"At the beginning. After you left me," she breathed.

I nodded, my eyes looking away.

"I thought you were going to marry Leila," she said.

"I was engaged to her as part of the agreement, but I wasn't going to marry her."

I began to tell her what happened years ago.

8 years ago

November 2021

The air was almost eerie and filled with awkward tension as Leila and I sat together outside of the company's conference room. Our parents were inside acting as though this was all just a business plan, like our lives were just nothing but business.

The was a definite space between the two of us. In the three months that we've been engaged, I was a complete mess. Each night, all my dreams were about Ana's face when I humiliated her with my words. I cursed under my breath. I dreaded that day. I didn't have a choice though. I was really tired of sitting by the sidelines when she was suffering on the main stage. I had to do something and make the ultimate sacrifice, I did.

"You didn't have to do this, Christian, you know," Leila interrupted my thoughts.

"Huh?" I turned to look at her.

She was looking at me too, her brown eyes expressing . . . sympathy?

"Look, we fooled around when we were in high school but I am not that same girl anymore. I don't want to marry you too," she said.

We did fool around in some parties. We smoked, partied, made out, and slept one time. However, we weren't anything serious. She was always the mean one and I couldn't even befriend her. However, looking at her now, I could tell there was a big difference.

Leila sat closer to me and asked, "Christian, why did you even agree to this? You just made our lives even more miserable!"

"I had to," that was all that I could say.

She rolled her eyes and said, "What about Ana? You've been together since I could remember. I can't believe that you're marrying me instead of her. Christian, this feels completely wrong."

I nearly crumbled at the mention of her name. I looked away from Leila.

She took my hand in hers, but it was in a way that a friend was caring for another. I looked at her again and she had that same expression on her face. Her eyes were shimmering as if she was begging me to change my mind.

"Christian, I know that you love Ana and I love someone else too. I want to be with him just as much as you want to be with Ana. Please don't agree to this."

She was crying so I held her hand tighter too, not wanting her to cry.

"Christian, there must have been a reason why you did this, but you are wrong. If you do things that aren't making you happy, then that's when you know it's completely wrong. Please go back to Ana and let's end this shit. I'm begging you," she sounded desperate.

I admitted everything to her then. I admitted how this whole engagement was in exchange of Ana's happiness. This was needed in order for her to have a better life. I told her about the contract and the agreement with Grace.

Then, Leila sighed deeply and let go of my hand, "Christian, you know what I think? I think you are being unfair to her. You can't know what makes her happy if you just made this choice alone. You're being very unfair. To me, to yourself, and most of all, to Ana. I'm disappointed."

She stood up and walked out of the waiting room. She paused in the middle of the room and turned to look at me and revealed:

"Christian, all these things will be in vain because I'll never marry you anyway. I'll run off with Tom. Just so you know."

With that, she walked away and that made me ponder. Her words had hit me so much, marked its way permanently into my skin. I thought about her brutally honest remarks and that in all of them, she was right.

I stood by the glass window and saw Leila leaving in the car with her chauffeur, Tom opening the door for her. They were planning to run away, she was going to fight for him, and fuck! What was I doing?

Leila was right.

This was the wrong decision. I shouldn't have done this. I should've given Ana the choice. I should have never left her at all.

"Fuck!" I cursed frustratingly underneath my breath.

I was going to make this right.

-page break-

My heart was beating rapidly as I marched my way to the manor. This was where I grew up with Elliott and Mia. So much had changed and not for the better. The house was much colder, much lonelier than I remembered it to be.

I wanted to do this as fast as I could. I wanted to tell Grace that the deal was off. I didn't know what the legal consequences will be but I didn't care. I had to tell her that the agreement was done and I was coming back to Ana—coming back to my home.

The manor was bigger than I remembered probably because there was no Mia who would try her best to make this place vibrant despite of the circumstances. I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the emptiness I was feeling now that she's no longer around.

Just as I expected, my parents were in the upstairs living room and as usual, they were arguing. I stood from afar and heard what they were arguing about.

"Grace, I am telling you that we should stop this now. Christian's had enough. I already lost Elliott and Mia. I don't want to lose him too," Dad's voice was raising.

At the mention of my name, I decided not to interrupt them first.

"Shouldn't you be grateful, Carrick? You have one son back all because of me," Grace's voice was as icy as ever.

"But not this way, Grace. NOT THIS WAY!"

Grace laughed and rebutted, "Come on, Carrick. That whole sympathetic father act doesn't suit you. Just because Mia died doesn't mean that you have to act like you care."

Then, Dad threw the face and shouted, "Fuck you! How dare you say that to my face? Who the fuck do you think you are?!"

Grace doesn't even wince. She answered icily, "I was the woman who raised two of your bastards."

Then, I was frozen. W-what? What did she mean by that?

"And that was the biggest mistake of my life. You are the biggest mistake of my life!"

When Carrick said that, Grace snapped. She slapped his across the face and for the first time, I heard her voice crack, her whole demeanor destroyed, and her icy composed self wasn't there anymore. She was a completely different person.

"Carrick, I loved you. Yes, it was an arranged marriage but I loved you. You couldn't say that to me. You should be grateful that I raised Christian and Mia as my own and weren't your illegitimate children!"

"You never raised them as your own! All their lives, they felt the truth—that you weren't their mother!"

"Because I am not their mother! You fucked your secretary once and I forgave you for it, even took Christian in and what happened the following year, huh? She showed up in our doorstep with another child! Elliott is my only son and if Christian were to come back in our lives, then he will have to earn it, Carrick!"

I forgot how to breathe. I forgot how to breathe. I couldn't grasp what I was hearing.

I took a step back causing the furniture to break. It caught both of their attentions.

"Christian?" Carrick called my name. While Grace just looked away, her eyes no longer cold.

I just shook my head, not finding the right word to say. I shook my head and didn't look back when Carrick kept on calling my name and running behind me. I ran off the mansion and got inside my car.

I was too shocked. Grace wasn't my mother. She was not. Ever since I was a child, all I ever wanted was to feel her love. She loved Elliott in a way that she could never show me or Mia. That's why. She hated us. We were bastards and I didn't know why but she had to take us in. Dad, on the other hand, made Elliott feel like he was never enough and would always act coldly around Mia and me.

I was driving to the place where I know I'll be okay. I had to go to Ana. I had to tell her why I said all the things I said. I would earn her back. I would win her back.

The traffic lights were hazy and blurry from the violent tears escaping from my eyes. Dad's car was following me from behind so I decided to drive faster.

Too many things circled in my thoughts. My whole life had been a lie and I was deeply hurt and hated by Grace by the reason of which I found out just now—and the reason Mia never found out until she reached her grave.

Ana. She was the only one who can make me feel okay.

But everything stopped when a truck passed by and everything faded gradually. All the flashbacks from my childhood—the times I didn't feel enough and to the times I acted out just to get my parents' attentions. To the happy moments with Ana and to the last moment of when I hurt her so much.

It was her face I saw before everything went black.

7 years ago

November 2022

"Ana?! Ana, Ana . . . Ana, Ana, please,"

I woke up a year later, stuck in a hospital bed with Kate, Elliott, and Ethan by my side. Everything in my body was in pain. I was in a horrendous amount of ache. Nurses and doctors all gathered together when I woke up.

Their faces were all blurry as I only cared about seeing Ana. It was her face, her face alone that I desperately wanted to see.

"Calm down, Mr. Grey," the doctor asked me to calm down. How could I? She wasn't here.

I was crying that time, desperately wanting to get up but I couldn't. I didn't have any power to do so. My legs were so weak and it angered me that I couldn't move them without any pain.

"ANA!" I screamed her name before the nurse injected something into me.

I calmed down and once more, my sight was back to black.

-page break-

I spent the past few weeks focusing on my physical therapy. I was very determined to go back to how I was before. I needed to do this faster as I wanted to find Ana myself. I walked better now and moved my arms were recovering too. The physical therapists were carefully picked and were guaranteed to help me out as soon as possible.

Kate, who was very angry at me when Ana and I broke up, was treating me kindly now even though I didn't deserve it. She called me "dumbass" and it didn't even annoy me. In fact, I deserved it.

She was with me in my all my sessions while Ethan and Elliott tried to find where Ana was. They went to her apartment but she was no longer there. They were trying their best to find her. Screw it, I wanted all of these to be over so I can just find her myself.

"You really don't have any clue about where Ana is, Kate?"

"Of course, I don't. If I did, I would've been there for her and not for you."

I gave her a small smile.

"I tried to reach out to her before but she won't let me. It's as if we weren't best friends," Kate told me in such a sad tone that my smile turned to an apologetic grimace.

"I'm sorry," I apologized for the hundredth time.

"You dumbass," she hit my shoulder and I winced.

"Ow!" Shit! I swore this woman didn't want me to feel better.

"Sorry, Christian. I'm just so angry at you," she told me.

"Me too. I am angry at myself," it's the truth.

Then, Kate took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around me, obviously trying to stop from crying.

She was already in pain. She was helping Ethan as a single father raising Mond while trying to cope with the fact that she cannot have children as confirmed by her doctor. And now because of me, she couldn't have Ana to comfort her. I added up to her pain. I was so ashamed.

"We'll find her, Christian. We will find her."

I nodded and continued to work on my therapy so I could finally get out of here and find her myself.

6 years ago

January 2023

I was doing so much better now and although my joints and limbs weren't as good as they were before, it was more than enough for me to run around and ask for Ana's location.

It had been more than a year since we last saw each other, it was almost as if she disappeared off the face of the earth. None of their old neighbors knew where she went and the call center she worked at shut down. This got more difficult but no way I was going to give up. Ethan, Elliott, and Kate also hired a private investigator to find her but to no avail. We're still left with no clues.

On top of the whole problem of not knowing where she was, I was also facing legal charges for breaking the contract. Grace was doing her best to tear me down as if the truth wasn't enough to drag me down the mud. Carrick, on the other hand, was reaching out to me but I wasn't ready yet. I had to find Ana first before I talk to him.

I was able to find a lead about where Ana was. I was able to reach out to one of her co-workers, Iris. She told me that Ana was in Brooklyn.

So, there I was driving down Brooklyn, trying to find where she was. My anxiety further escalated as I found out from Iris that their contact center shut down since women all joined forces to boycott Jack Hyde for multiple events involving sexual harassment. Jack was in prison now but there was still that fear in me.

Was Ana of those women that he victimized? That thought made my fists curl up to a ball and my veins protrude from my skin. If he ever laid a hand on her, I swore I was going to kill that motherfucker.

Iris gave me the address of where Ana could be. It was a small call center. I found the address and tried to find her but "as part of their privacy agreement", an employee's whereabouts must not be disclosed.

I drove around Brooklyn and at the corner of my eye, I saw her. Oh, my goodness. I saw her! I finally saw her!

My heartbeat ran as if it was in a marathon. I parked my car to the nearest sidewalk and ran all the way to where she was. My legs were hurting but I didn't give a damn. I found her! That was all that fucking matters.

However, my footsteps halted when I saw that she wasn't alone. She was with Jose Rodriguez. She hooked arms with him and they were laughing at each other. He carried grocery bags while Ana rested her cheek against his shoulder.

"Oh, I forgot to buy the tomato paste for tonight," Jose said, clearly thinking that he was stupid.

"I told you we forgot something. Come on, let's go back," Ana told him before she led him back to the grocery store.

I didn't want to make any assumptions though. The hopeful part of me believed that this didn't mean anything and just like what she said all the time, they were just friends. I decided to follow them inside.

They were in one aisle and I on the next. There were few people inside and the store was quiet so I could clearly hear their conversation. They mostly talked about the food Jose will prepare for tonight.

What I hated most was she was laughing the entire time. She only laughed like this when she was with me and now, it was with another guy.

"Jose? Is that really you?" A female voice burst out of nowhere.

"Maria? Oh, Maria, it's nice to see you here."

"It's nice to see you too," Maria said.

I took a quick glimpse at their aisle and saw Jose and Ana's back, he held her hands this time and the middle-aged woman, Maria was quite delighted to see the two of them.

It was supposed to be a small glimpse but I couldn't take my hands off of them. It felt like tons of daggers were being shot at me. Even from afar, I could tell that they were very happy. Jose introduced them to each other and Maria was apparently a family friend.

"I heard that you got married, Jose," Maria said.

"Uh . . . yes, I did," he almost said reluctantly.

"Is this your wife? She's so beautiful!"

"Hi Maria, I'm—"

Jose quickly cut Ana off when he confirmed himself, "Yes, this is my wife, Anastasia."

He wrapped one arm around her waist and I just lost it. I couldn't bear to witness it any longer. I went back to my grocery aisle and listened to their voices. Jose and Ana laughed at the delighted Maria and it was becoming too much.

I quickly walked out of the grocery store and found my way inside the car. I punched the steering wheel hard and fast as the sight of Ana and Jose lingered in my mind. I was cursing on top of my lungs with the car windows blocking my screams.

It was supposed to be me beside her. I was supposed to be the one she married. It was supposed to be me.

I fucked everything up when I thought I was doing the right thing.

Now, I was left with nothing.

Sorry for the late update. I got really busy this past week.

Thank you for your patience and I hope to hear your thoughts.

Thank you for reading. – Cloud