The Other Gryffindor Girl: Lavender Brown
For a very brief time, I was the Gryffindor girl; the first new pupil of my year to be welcomed to the Lion's Den. I don't remember much about my first few weeks at Hogwarts, they passed in a blur of activity and emotion. But I do remember my sorting. I remember the old hat slipping over my eyes and nose, I remember breathing in its musty scent as I perched awkwardly on the three-legged stool, waiting to see where I would belong. I was honestly expecting Hufflepuff. They sounded kind and welcoming, and I so desperately wanted to belong. I was an only child, and a Pureblood, so I had been raised at home almost in isolation. I rarely saw any other children, and my parents were quite old fashioned. Perhaps it is because they were older when they had me - I was an 'unplanned' child. I was raised mainly by the house-elf, Sandy, and taught by private tutors. I spent all of my childhood longing for the day I would go to Hogwarts; the day I would have friends. When the hat shouted, "Gryffindor" I was so shocked - and disappointed - that I almost asked it to change its mind, but I remembered my mother's parting words: "No matter how you feel, remember that no-one will like you if you are sullen, sulky or difficult. Smile, laugh and be merry."
As applause and cheers erupted from the Gryffindor table, I stood slowly, carefully removing the hat and handing it back to the strict witch. My heart was thumping horribly and I felt a bit sick. I was actually a shy and quiet child, one who felt much more comfortable around adults than people my own age, but I plastered a smile onto my face and held my head high as I walked carefully through the crowded hall to my new house, my new family. That was what the Scottish professor had said, after all. I took my place gingerly on the wooden bench, staring down at the empty golden plate for a few seconds, steeling myself. Then I looked up and beamed around, making sure I looked as many people in the eye as possible. They grinned back, before their attention flicked back to the ongoing sorting. I glanced up at the staff table - so many professors! I was hopeless at remembering names, so reverted to an old trick I had learnt - giving each one a nickname to help me remember… Turban, Bat, Beard, Tartan… Soon, I was joined on the bench by the bushy-haired girl who had been helping the lumpy boy look for a toad on the train. I hate toads, frogs, lizards and snakes and any other type of slippery, slimy creature.
It is now seven years later, and I am dying. I have heard the Healers whispering by my bed. I can't quite work out what is real and what is just dreams at the moment, but I can feel my magic, my life force, leaving me. I don't have much longer. Just long enough, I think, to remember my life as the other Gryffindor girl. I didn't know it at the time, but when Hermione Granger was sorted into my new house, that is what I became.
Funnily enough, I did originally want to be Hermione's friend. There were only three of us new girls sorted into Gryffindor; me, Hermione Granger and Parvati Patil. Parvati had a twin; she didn't need a friend. I wanted a best friend for myself, not to play second-fiddle to someone else. Hermione, on the other hand, seemed a much safer bet. She was kind - she had tried to help Neville on the train. She was clever and hardworking, and the professors seemed to like her (with the exception of Bat who haunted the dungeons - but no-one really cared what he thought). She was a bit overbearing, but I could tell it was just that she hadn't had much experience in making friends. I imagined us studying together, walking to class arm-in-arm, passing notes when the professors' backs were turned, giggling about boys and whispering long into the night.
I tried with Hermione, I really did. I offered her sweets from home, but she declined, lecturing me on the dangers of sugar to teeth - it turned out her parents were some kind of muggle teeth-healers. I did try to explain that wizard teeth are different, but she just kept repeating odd words like "cavities" and "fillings" at me, so I gave up. Parvati accepted the sweets. I tried to study with Hermione, but she huffed and hogged all the books, and ploughed on without me, and looked at me condescendingly when I asked her a question. Parvati was much nicer to work with, and we giggled at silly things - much to Hermione's annoyance. She stopped working in the dorm altogether, preferring to go to the Library. I did go with her a few times, but she looked scandalised when I so much as rustled my parchment, or shifted my chair a bit, calling me a "fidget" and shushing me. She heartily disapproved of my nicknames for the professors, telling me it was "silly" and "disrespectful". Soon, it was Parvati who walked to lessons with me, whispered with me and passed notes with me. She was really funny and lively, and helped me come up with even more nicknames for our other professors (Little Charmer, Star, Sweep, and Potty). So in class and in our common room, she was the best friend I had always dreamed of, but at break times and free periods, she would go off and link up to her twin, her real best friend. So I was still lonely. Then, Hermione went and latched onto Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, and had even less time for me than she had before.
Harry, Ron, Dean, Seamus and Neville; the Gryffindor boys. Obviously I knew about Harry Potter; Sandy had told me fairy-tales about a magical boy with a lightning scar for as long as I could remember. The boy in real life was a bit of a let-down, if I am honest. He was scrawny, shy, and looked… almost waiflike. He was friendly enough though, and once I got to know him a bit better he could be really funny - he was great in Potions (not at the lessons, at winding Bat up - I don't even think he meant to half the time; his very existence seemed to grate on Bat's nerves). I had heard of the Weasleys and the Longbottoms (being Pureblood families). Seamus and Dean soon formed a twosome, and sometimes Parvati and I would hang around with them. We were definitely the "Group B" Gryffindors; Harry, Ron and Hermione were a firm first (poor Neville didn't really feature at all until much later). First, it was saving the Philosophers' Stone, then rescuing Ron's sister and the whole school from the Basilisk, then all the hoo-ha with Sirius Black escaping Azkaban, then the Goblet of Fire debacle. My main highlights of those years were very different; cheering with the other Gryffindors at the end of term feast when we snatched the House Cup out from under the Slytherins' noses; giving the dashing Hercules back his wand after Bat unfairly disarmed him at the duelling club (and accidently-on-purpose brushing his hand with mine as I did so); jabbing my wand at the awful boggart-rattlesnake in Shabby's class, screaming, "Riddikulus", forcing it to do a strange, writhing dance, using its own tail as a maraca; being asked by a red-faced Seamus to the Yule Ball, choosing my dress in a rare shopping trip with my mum, getting ready with Parvati, and then dancing the night away… then Cedric Diggory died.
That's when things really started to unravel. Before that moment, Hogwarts had been exciting; a huge adventure. Sure, it was dangerous, but in a safe way (if that makes any sense?) It felt good, like something you would want to be a part of… like flying really fast on a broom - you could fall off at any moment, but the adrenaline rush and the sheer exhilaration makes it all worth it (and you know you can safely land at any time). But Cedric dying flipped things on their head. Suddenly, it didn't feel exciting - more like a train heading at break-neck speed towards a steep cliff edge. We wanted to get off, wanted it to stop - but we were trapped inside.
Hermione really laid into me when we got back to school at the start of our fifth year. All I did was ask if it really was true, what Harry had said about You-Know-Who returning. All summer long the papers had said it was a lie; that he was a fantasist, a nasty little show-off looking for attention. That didn't seem like the Harry I knew, but a huge part of me wanted him to be wrong. My parents had spent most of the six weeks at home questioning me about what had happened, asking over and over again for every little detail of that day. I didn't want to think about it. The screams when people began to realise what had happened, seeing a huddled body lying on the grass of someone you had seen only a little while ago waving confidently to the crowd... it was horrific. Seamus said the same thing. We met up a few times over the summer. His mum was giving him a really hard time too - she didn't even want him to go back to Hogwarts. I wasn't sure I wanted to go back, but mum and dad made me. They told me to keep my head down, work hard - and find out what had really happened to Cedric.
Seamus was convinced Harry was either mad or lying. Parvati didn't venture an opinion either way, which was unusual for her. She wasn't there when I asked Hermione. I waited until we were alone, thinking we could have a real girl-to-girl chat. But she actually pulled out her wand and advanced on me, until I was right up against the dorm wall. She put her face really close to mine and screeched that I was to keep my "big fat mouth" shut about her friend. Then she stormed out. I collapsed onto my bed, shaking and cried my eyes out. It was far worse than the time she had been so insensitive about poor little Binky dying; at least then Ron had stood up for me. I had grown to quite like Ron. He had hung out with Dean and Seamus quite a lot when Harry was first chosen as a Tri-Wizard Champion. He was a bit crude, but I liked him. There was something about him… he was a bit like me. We were both continuously outshone by others; Hermione's achievements constantly eclipsed any contributions I made to Gryffindor House and Ron felt he could never live up to his brothers - or his best friend. When the sun is out, you can't see the moon, no matter how brightly it shines.
So when I asked Hermione if Harry was telling the truth, I suddenly found myself even more alone in Gryffindor; Harry completely blanked me, I got nothing but looks of pure loathing from Hermione, wounded looks from Dean and Neville, a marked coolness from Parvati, and irate letters from my parents asking why I didn't have anything new to report. And Ron - it was as if the year before hadn't happened - he only stopped ignoring me to shoot daggers in my general direction, before walking off with Hermione. The start of my fifth year was really quite horrible. I ducked into bathrooms on my way to lessons to cry, and my grades - which were never much to write home about compared to Hermione's (as all the professors were quick to point out) suffered too. The only person who acted normally around me was Seamus, but he was miserable and being ostracised too.
"It was murder. Voldemort killed him and you know it." Harry's words about Cedric to Ugly-Cardigan that day told me all I needed to know. All my doubts about his sanity, all my hopes that I would have a normal, peaceful life were blown away. His voice carried such conviction, well beyond his fifteen years. I knew then that I had to make a stand, I couldn't keep hiding, couldn't keep my head down. If He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named really was back, I had to fight. So when Parvati told me about the Defence Meeting Harry was hosting in Hogsmeade, it seemed like fate; I signed up too. I went from being an outsider to being part of an exclusive club; a gang. It was so hard not to giggle all the way through Ugly-Cardigan's lessons, knowing that the DA were doing exactly what she had forbidden, right under her nose. I really liked the DA. We learned disarming, hexes and spells and best of all, how to cast a patronus. I never managed it in its corporeal form in the DA meetings, but I kept practicing by myself. I did manage to cast one, just once. It was a beautiful little silver hedgehog.
I felt so sorry for Professor Trelawney (we did used to call her Wise-Owl, but we liked her so much, we felt bad and started calling her by her real name, even in private). She was - is - one of the kindest, most talented witches I have ever met, and Divination is fascinating. Finally, one area in which the moon outshone the sun - Hermione quit like a toddler having a temper tantrum because she was too closed-minded. For a few weeks after, every time she left the dorm, Parvati and I would wait a few seconds then screech, "FINE!" and collapse into helpless laughter. Parvati and I loved discussing our dreams and possible interpretations, we loved the classroom in its tiny, high-up tower, full of teacups and crystal balls. You could feel magic humming through the air up there; the aura was palpable. It was awful when Ugly-Cardigan sacked her, right in front of the whole school. Tartan was nice to her though. I've always liked her; she's strict, but fair. Then Beard came along and rescued her. He's a bit odd, but seemed nice enough, and everyone said he was a brilliant wizard.
Parvati and I took Professor Trelawney some flowers, and promised to visit her lots, and we did… but we were soon distracted by the new professor, the centaur Firenze (aka Sex-god) - but who wouldn't be? He was gorgeous. He had white-blonde hair which shone almost by itself, very muscular arms and a super-toned torso. He made Hercules look like a pre-pubescent runt. Sex-god's horse body was the softest golden-brown imaginable. Parvati and I had a little competition to see who could get close enough to surreptitiously touch it - I won, by the way - I pretended to stumble over a root leaving the classroom one day and 'accidently' knocked into him, brushing my hand lightly down his flank. Parvati and I whispered about it all night, and ended up rolling around our beds laughing hysterically, until Hermione played her "I'm a Prefect" card and made us shut up. She really has no sense of humour. Sex-god was also clever - I do value men for more than their looks, you know! And his classroom, it was amazing, like being in a magical woodland (except without all the horrid bugs and snakes and other dangerous creatures which lurk in the Forbidden Forest.)
Then came along the sixth year. I got better OWL grades than my parents were expecting (they have such faith in me.) So I took Divination, Charms and Transfiguration. A year with Professor Trelawney, Little Charmer and Tartan. That seemed pretty decent to me - no Bat at any rate. And as nice as Shaggy was, it was a relief knowing I wouldn't be at risk of having my fingers bitten, or my hair burnt off, or my neck broken by any of the awful monsters he saw fit to bring to class. Perhaps if the substitute professor has stayed, I might have considered taking Care of Magical Creatures.
Anyway, it was nice to have Professor Trelawney teaching again, and she seemed much happier, but I did miss Sex-god's lessons - at first. Then I started noticing Ron more and more. Sex-god started to look a bit… diminished when I compared him to Ron. Sex-god was ethereal, and a bit aloof. Ron was warm, down-to-earth and real. He was funny, and looked really hot on a broom. I knew he could be sensitive; we had talked lots about his feelings in our fourth year when he fell out with Harry. And we had spent time together in the DA in our fifth year… he had helped me with some trickier spells, and our hands had brushed as he showed me the correct way to grip my wand. I confided my feelings to Parvati, and she agreed with me that Hermione was into Harry, so there really was no harm in pursuing Ron… It didn't take long. We got together after the Gryffindor vs Slytherin game, where we massacred the Slytherins, mainly due to Ron's spectacular keeping.
I loved being his girlfriend; I finally belonged to someone, and he belonged to me. At least, I thought so at the time. Parvati said afterwards that I came on too strong - citing "Won-Won" and the necklace as examples to support her point. But I just couldn't help it. I loved him, and wanted to be his completely. Perhaps I should have realised how he felt after the first time we slept together: "Don't tell Hermione." I thought he just thought she would go all pious and disapproving, so didn't really think anything of it. Now I know better - he was using me to get back at her, and to prove to everyone that he was just as desirable as Harry and Ginny (who was moving through the Gryffindor boys like nobody's business). I know I should hate him for how he treated me, but I can't. I know how it feels to be a moon, unseen and unnoticed.
After he was poisoned, I panicked - what if he died? I started following Harry around - I didn't mean to annoy him, I just wanted someone to talk to about Ron. Things weren't the same between us after Ron recovered - I tried, I really did. But then I caught him coming out of his dormitory with Hermione, and I was so angry that I dumped him. I regretted it straight away after, and planned to apologise to him, but the next day he was all over Hermione. Things got really awkward in our dorm. I cried a lot of the time, and Hermione acted as though I didn't exist. It really hit me at Beard's funeral, when I saw Ron put his arm around Hermione as she cried. I looked around and saw Padma and Parvati hugging as they wept. Harry and Ginny were also together, sharing in each other's grief. I was completely alone. Ron had taken part of my heart, and he had kept it. He didn't even know. I went home that summer feeling empty and hollow. I didn't want to go back to Hogwarts, but it became compulsory when Bat was announced as the new Headmaster. That's when I realised I couldn't go back weak and broken - Bat and the newly appointed Death Eater professors would crush me. I had to be a true Gryffindor; strong, brave, and fighting.
On our first day back at Hogwarts, we were all questioned individually by Bat. Harry, Ron and Hermione hadn't come back to school for their final year - so they took me, Ginny, Parvati, Neville, and Seamus straight from the Hogwarts Express and shut us in separate classrooms, awaiting our turn to face the new Headmaster. Dean hadn't come back either. He had written to Seamus and told him that he was on the run, unable to prove if his father had been a wizard or not. Ginny, as Ron's sister and Harry's sort-of-girlfriend, was called to questioning first, then it was my turn. I had never been to the Headmaster's office before, but it seemed to be decked out more in the style of Bat's predecessor. There was a large portrait of Beard sleeping on the wall, and I briefly wondered how Bat felt looking at it - at the disarmed man he had murdered in cold blood. I wondered if Beard ever spoke to Bat, and what he said if he did. Bat's low, dangerous voice then cut into my thoughts, and I forced myself to look directly at him. He looked very out of place in the bright, airy circular office, full of delicate looking metal instruments, instead of lurking in his gloomy dungeon, surrounded by creepy jars of pickled animal bits.
"Miss Brown, you shared a dormitory with Miss Granger for six years, as well as partaking in lessons with herself, Potter and Weasley. You also dated" - that word accompanied by a sneer - "Weasley last year. I have asked you here today to tell me everything you know about their current whereabouts and plans. I would encourage you to think - should you be capable of independent thought, that is - before you answer. I am an accomplished legilimens, so will know if you dare attempt to lie to me."
My legs began to shake, I felt my throat begin to clog up and my eyes swam with tears. This man had murdered Beard, he was a known killer, the right-hand man of You-Know-Who. Was I going to die in this room? I was a Pureblood, but what did that matter? Beard was the greatest wizard in the country, but that hadn't stopped Bat. He wouldn't hesitate before slaughtering a distinctly average teenage witch - would he?
"You have nothing to fear, Brown, so long as you tell me the truth."
Did he just read my thoughts? Shit, shit, shit -
"I understand that your empty head may find long sentences difficult to digest, so before you continue to spew out pointless profanities, I will simplify my initial request." He rose from his seat and walked slowly across the office towards me. I backed away, scrabbling desperately for the door handle. I gripped it in my sweaty palm and jerked at it - but it wouldn't open.
"Pathetic." He was standing in front of me, eyes narrowed disdainfully. "But that hardly surprises me. Five years of teaching you potions has greatly lowered my expectations of you, Brown."
He loomed over me, his black eyes boring into mine as he spoke again, "Where are Potter, Weasley and Granger?"
"I… I don't know," I stuttered, still trying in vain to open the office door. Bat laughed softly,
"No. You don't know anything, do you Brown? The Golden Trio didn't see fit to take you into their confidence - and I can see why." He sneered at me, lip curling. "So, no love letters from Weasley? Oh yes, I forgot. He prefers Miss Granger, doesn't he?"
The tears I had been holding back spilled over and I began to cry. "Please… Please let me go."
He moved away suddenly, swooping across the room, robes billowing, stopping suddenly behind his desk. He raised his voice over my sobs, "If Weasley, Potter or Granger contact you, you will report it directly to myself. You will likewise report any rumours, any whispers, of their whereabouts. Do I make myself clear?" I had turned my back, using both hands to grapple with the door handle, crying harder as it stubbornly refused to open. "FOR MERLIN'S SAKE YOU STUPID GIRL - IT IS LOCKED! TURN AROUND AND LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM SPEAKING TO YOU - OR I WILL MAKE YOU!"
Bat's roar almost made me jump out of my skin, I spun on the spot, hating myself as I heard my voice choke out, "Please, please don't kill me-"
"SHUT UP!" he bellowed again. His face was contorted with rage, and he was holding his wand. I squeaked with fright, but stopped talking. Bat took a deep breath, and repeated in a calmer voice, "You will report to me if you hear anything about Potter, Weasley or Granger. Do you understand?"
I wanted to agree; to say "yes" and be allowed to leave. My vision was still blurred with tears, my chest heaving with sobs. But I couldn't do it. I knew, even then, even when faced with a psychotic murderer, that I wouldn't give Ron over to him. "No," I whispered. There was a beat of silence.
"What did you say, Brown?" Bat's voice was low and icy once more.
"No," I repeated, my voice stronger. I wiped my eyes and stood straight, looking him in his evil, black eyes. "I won't tell you a single thing I hear about them."
His lip curled again. "You Gryffindors are a pathetic bunch of bleeding hearts. Do you imagine you are being brave in defying me, Brown? Weasley abandoned you, and would probably hand you over to the Dark Lord himself if it would save his own skin, and yet you defend him? You are nothing but a deluded, stupid, little girl, wearing your heart on your sleeve-"
I cut across him, heart thumping, but feeling braver than I ever had before. I would not let my House down, I would not let Ron down. "At least I have a heart. And I don't care what you think, Bat. Ron may have chosen Hermione, but I chose him. I will always protect him. Always." I realised, just after I had said it, that I had called him "Bat" to his face. His expression went suddenly blank, and he began to slowly raise his wand. I snatched mine from my robes, and before I could think, I had raised it and yelled, "Protego!"
Bat raised an eyebrow at the shield charm I had cast, and aimed his wand just over my shoulder. The office door swung open. "Get out," he hissed. I turned tail and fled.
Bat is dead now. I heard it on the wireless that they play in the ward sometimes. I can't pretend I'm sorry to hear it. That man was the embodiment of evil. He spent years bullying us in potions, then let his Death Eater pals use us as punch bags - I cried when I saw what they had done to Seamus' face. They tortured us, coerced us to fight amongst ourselves, and all the while, Bat looked on. He didn't even have the guts to get his hands dirty - he fled when the fight started. He was a coward - a disgusting, bullying, deserter. Wherever I end up when I die, it had better not be anywhere near him.
Ginny, Luna and Neville became the new Golden Trio. They were brave, outspoken and rebellious. They started up the DA again, and I joined. I knew it's what Ron would have wanted. It was an awful year. Ginny and Luna disappeared, so that left Neville at the helm of a sinking ship. More and more of us had to flee into the Room of Requirement permanently - the Carrows got more and more dangerous - they beat Seamus until he was unrecognisable, but he didn't break. Neville's face was so slashed it looked like he had been attacked by a werewolf, but he didn't break. They used the Cruciatus curse on Parvati a few times, but she didn't break. Then they did the same to me, but I didn't break. Life became a living hell - we lived in constant fear, trying to protect the younger students, knowing there was nothing we could really do to save them. But we kept going, kept up the resistance. Then Harry, Ron and Hermione came back. My heart leapt into my mouth when I saw Ron again, stepping into the room through Ariana's secret passage to the Hog's Head. He looked dirty and dishevelled, but he still had that roguish, half smile as he looked around at his old friends. He nodded and smiled at me, and that was enough. I was able to ignore my aching limbs, and shake off my fatigue. It was time to fight, for good to triumph over evil.
The walls and ceiling were being destroyed by giants and spells from the Death Eaters. I pelted down the corridor, Parvati was ahead of me. We were heading for the Great Hall, to help the Order members fight there. I blasted a huge piece of falling ceiling which was heading for Parvati, debris rained down, and a hard force knocked me off my feet, my wand flying out of my hand as my body smacked into the back of the banisters at the top off the marble staircase. A Death Eater was approaching, wand raised. I had no weapon - I was going to die. I rolled as a female voice snarled, "Crucio" and heard the marble crack. I launched myself at the woman, grabbing her wrist and trying to wrestle the wand out of her grip. More debris fell from the ceiling, and we stumbled on the loose rubble. The woman's free hand found my neck, and she pushed me roughly backwards. The backs of my legs were pressed into the banisters, and before I could think about what I was doing, I leaned back, pulling the witch over the balcony with me. We fell together, down and down, smacking into the stone floor of the Entrance Hall. My head cracked, and my vision went black. I tried to sit up, but nothing was working. Then a huge, heavy weight pushed onto my chest, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't even scream as I felt teeth sink into my neck. I dimly heard someone shout, "NO!" and air rushed over the open wound at my neck as the thing was blasted off of me. I still couldn't move. I felt the blood tricking gently down my neck onto the floor. People were screaming, but it sounded like it was happening a very long way away as I drifted…
I was surprised when I woke up. A Healer, seeing my eyes open, told me I was in St Mungo's, and that the Wizarding World was free - we had won the battle! My parents were there too, I think. I slipped in and out of consciousness, confusing dreams and reality. How long have I been here? Hours? Days? Sometimes I am alone, sometimes, there is someone here, holding my hand. I think I made my House proud, I hope I was brave enough. I don't know if Ron survived. Please let him be ok. And now it is the end. I don't want to die alone. Please, don't let me die alone. Wait, someone is holding my hand again. I wish I knew who it was. Mum? Dad? Ron? Parvati? A Healer? I can hear something shifting and then I feel the mattress depress as someone sits on the bed, still holding my hand.
"Lavender, can you hear me?" I try to reply, but my voice doesn't work. I can't even nod. I'm struggling, trying to place the voice. "Lavender… it's Hermione." Hermione? What's she doing here? "I've come a few times… oh Lavender. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a friend to you. I'm sorry about Ron - he's fine, in case you're wondering. He's fine. He's sorry he can't be here today, he's helping his mum and dad…one of his brothers died. The funeral's tomorrow." Ron's ok! Ron's alive. But his brother… poor Ron. "Lavender, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much for all you did. Neville and Seamus told us, how you looked after the younger students all year, and Parvati said you saved her life. They've been to visit you too. Your parents are here today, they're just talking to the Healer. They'll be back in a minute." She pauses, then I hear her sob, "I'm so sorry Lavender, I tried to stop him, Greyback, but I was too late." Greyback? The werewolf? It was him who bit me. That makes sense… I hear footsteps, and the weight lifts from the bed. I feel hair ticking my face, and Hermione kisses my forehead. "Your parents are back now, and I'll come back and see you again tomorrow."
Mum and Dad are here! They each take one of my hands, and are taking to me. But my hearing is phasing out again, and my mind is slowing down. I'm not alone as I enter a total eclipse.