"BtVS: Xander-23"
- Snip Flip -

A/N: Don't own squat, 'cept the plot.

FYI: The MarvelVerse used in this is a random 'What If' comic that hasn't been printed in your universe… Sorry. Nothing you know about the comics will apply except powers. And, it should be obvious that the Buffyverse will be a compete AU.

The Moon

I am Uatu. My purpose is to observe and document the many variances of the planet known as Terra, Tau'ri, At, Eerath, Gaia or more commonly, Earth. There are many points of convergence and divergence. None of which were more powerful than on one particular Earth that was nearly it's own separate universe, on their calendar date of October 31, 1997. The sheer number of divergent realities that spawned, resulted in my bringing in one of my fellow Watchers to document them all.

I have rarely witnessed Fenu more pleased.

As it stands, this particular divergence is more noteworthy. While it did not overly upset the Balance set by those who claim the title The Powers That Be, it did change their plans in ways they hadn't foreseen. Nor was it something they could turn back from. Their only fault was in focussing on one of the triad, instead of all three of them. By then, it was too late.

I was amused.

That was such a rare emotion, that I decided to document this particular divergence myself. I find it amazing how a simple broken polymer prop could start such a revolution.

November 1, 1997

Rosenberg Residence

The lump under the covers moved awkwardly as a head of red hair appeared. "Mmmmph. Ouchies," Willow complained as her head pounded. The sunlight stabbing her eyes through the window wasn't welcome at all. Groaning, she turned over and away from the window.

Last night was full of the weird, and it seemed like there was more to it, er, to her than there was before. Lifting up sideways with a frown, she held her hand out, palm up. There was a brief sparkle of red above her hand that surprised her. A half grin went over her face when she realized what that meant.

Concentrating, another sparkle formed then changed to the size of a marble, perfectly sphere and glowing with a red light. "Nifty!" she declared happily.

Closing her fist to dissipate the energy, she went over everything that happened last night with her 'visitor'. That witch had given her a set of instructions to follow in order to keep herself safe and sane, with the emphasis on the word sane. Going over them in her head, she frowned with large eyes as she remembered what could happen if she didn't go through a specific set of morning and evening rituals… especially on the Hellmouth.

Knowing that she didn't have anything to help her now, she sat up in the lotus position and meditated. It was oddly easy and comforting to fall into herself.

Step One: Centre Oneself. That was done even though she should be freaking out about now. It was so easy, it was stupid.

Step Two: Purge. That was the hard one, as she didn't have any crystals or a plethora of salt to waste. She'd get those later. But for now, she used what control she had over her magic to create a flimsy wall around herself to deflect the darkness that was Sunnydale.

After that was haphazardly done, she focused inward again and pushed anything and everything dark and icky out of herself and down towards the Earth.

Thirty minutes later, she was sweaty and breathing hard. "That… sucked," she whispered. "Definitely getting salt. Might have to go online for the crystals, or maybe visit the Magic Box. Oh, I don't know."

She was in the shower when she realized she wasn't alone in her head again. Rather than cringe away from it, Willow realized it was comforting and familiar, even though the thoughts were somewhat sleepy and chaotic. She grinned when she saw a sideways image of Buffy's room in her minds eye.

'Uuuhhhh. What the hell happened last night?' she heard Buffy think. 'Oh yeah. Helloween and a Valkyrie that told everyone my name. Bitch.'

'I always liked Elizabeth. It's pretty,' Willow couldn't help thinking back to her.

'Oh yeah, dealing with all the Elizabeth Taylor or Queen Quips and Liz this or Your Majesty that. No thank you.' The image of Buffy's room righted itself rather rapidly as she felt Buffy start to panic. 'Wills?' The image then went right and left, like Buffy was looking for her.

Willow smiled as she washed her hair. 'Yup. Tis me. Morning, lovey duck.'

'Where are you?' she demanded.

'Don't talk out loud. Without a phone to your ear, you'll look like a crazy person,' Willow replied with a snicker. 'I'm in the shower. Well, my shower, not your shower, so no joining me this morning and I didn't just say that so forget it and I'll shut up now.'

There was a shocked pause, before images of herself in the shower with an enormous amount of suds covering her came across before winking out. 'No! Bad Buffy! She likes Xander! Off limits!'

Willow's hands froze mid scrub in her hair as her eyes opened. Fortunately, she was using a shampoo that didn't sting the eyes, as a bit just ran into her left one from her state of shock. An extraordinary amount of warmth blossomed in her chest as she started to smile.

There was a similar freezing going on as the image of Buffy's room stilled with a sense of shock coming at her. Though to be fair, that was mostly because she just recognized the tile of Willow's shower appearing in her mind's eye.

'You…' Willow thought. 'You like me? As in like like in the huggle partner way as sweetness and cookie goodness and not the heart wrenching that goes through me when you babble about Deadboy?'

'Deadboy?' Buffy replied. 'That's Xander's name for him. What's with the 'grrr' I'm feeling? I mean, I thought you were encouraging me with him and everything, living all vicariously and crap. And why else do you think I go completely insane when vamps and demons kidnap you every fricken Tuesday? All the damn drama I go through with Angel is because I need my Willow Time with chocolate ice cream and snuggles, and I DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT!'

Buffy was stunned. Her mental diarrhea confession should've caused anger or disgust or something. She went through all of that before by witnessing Sarah and Giselle in Hemery High, with Sarah running off crying after Giselle completely wigged over her confession. Regardless of it being California, the cheerleading squad lost Sarah when the majority turned on her for being gay.

She never wanted to go through that, and hid everything away behind vapidness and the typical superficial 'Harmony' blondness that she so hated. Hers was a mask though, and she even went out with Pike just to prove she wasn't gay. Same with tall dark and broody.

The feelings she got, (from what she was assuming Willow, because she herself was on the edge of completely wigging,) was the complete opposite. Warm ecstatic joy was the only thing she could think of to describe it. 'Wills? You… you're not disgusted with me?'

'Heck No!' Willow mentally shrieked back, having 'heard' the horrible thought process over that Sarah girl, not to mention the feeling of vindication that her dumb blond act was just that, an act. 'Great Hawking's Brainchild, I've been Mooning over you ever since you sat down and asked for help catching up that first day! Xander's verbal flub was followed by my mental melting at the SIGHT of you! Why the frilly heck do you think I stuttered so much?'

Buffy's "voice" sounded rather small. 'Does… Does Xander know?'

'Jesse did,' Willow replied sadly as she resumed scrubbing her hair and resisting the urge to look down, because that would be funny but all sorts of distracting. 'Xander and I started the "We Hate Cordelia Club" because Jesse wouldn't shut up about her and I hated her ever since the boob fairy graced her when she was twelve.'

'Bitch.'

'Yes! See! You know what I'm talking about!'

Boob fairy… There was a sudden flash of memory from one of them, which spouted an automatic 'uh-oh' out of both of them. They just remembered that there was a third person in the madness that was Halloween. Buffy tripped over her own feet as she went to call Giles.

If they were still ramped up or altered from last night, they both knew Xander would need them, as he was the most changed of them all.

Buffy didn't even realize how 'smaller' everything was in her panic, nor why her feet were all uncoordinated this morning. She just made a note to visit the Expresso Pump later.

Halloween Night

Xander was in a rage, and the grinning idiot that he had lifted up and pressed against the wall was the source of his ire. Not only did he convince him to use broken Wolverine claws for a costume enhancement, not only did the bastard turn everyone into their costumes, he also murdered the only good thing in his life. The breaking of the statue was supposed to change everyone back…

"You killed my best friend!" Xander literally shrieked at Ethan, twin metal claws poised just an inch away from the man's eyes.

Choking, Ethan had both hands around Xander's left wrist in an attempt to hold himself up. His feet were a good half foot off the floor. "Your ginger friend isn't dead!" he paused to cough. "I swear!"

"My Dick, genius!" Xander's spittle sprayed on said moron's face. "Now change me back!"

"I CAN'T!" Ethan shouted back.

The snarling face of the now female Xander stilled to rather unnatural calmness. "One," she growled.

"Xander don't kill him," Giles said quietly. He wanted the job himself.

"Seriously," Ethan whimpered, "the breaking of the spell was supposed to make everyone revert to normal!"

"Two," Xander growled. To emphasize this, the claw that was in between the ring and pinky knuckles withdrew just before her arm twisted around to aim the remaining sharp pointy at something a bit more precious to the man.

Eyes widening, Ethan became a bit more frantic. "I swear I'm telling the truth!" he screamed in a panic.

Giles just smirked. "I don't think that's a good idea either, Xander."

"Eye for an eye," Xander droned rather dangerously, "tooth for a tooth," she pressed the claw in enough to prick skin through the man's trousers. "Dick for a dick."

"JANUS!" Ethan screeched in a blind panic.

There was a warm gust of air. "Please don't damage one of my few disciples," a double voice intoned.

Looking through her long hair over her shoulder, Xander wasn't impressed with the golden glowing being behind her. Her manhood was on the line, for literal fuck's sake. "You did this. You fix it," she growled. "If you won't, then snip this prick's Y chromosome or I'll do it the hard way."

"Done," Janus responded with a wide grin on both of his faces. There was a warm flash and he was gone.

Ethan was appalled. "WHAT?" he shrieked in a very feminine voice. "My Lord!"

Looking back at the asshole, Xander was either annoyed or amused that Ethan now shared his problem. Instead of a dumpy skinny guy – or bloke, since he was English – hanging from her left hand was a frumpy looking woman with bad hair.

Annoyed won. The remaining pointy retracted just before he punched him in the head, knocking him cold. Or was it she punched her in the head? Goddammit.

Letting him, her, whatever, drop to the floor, Xander turned to Giles. "Are you sure I can't kill him? Five quick cuts and we can dump the bastard in the scrapyard. I mean, sure it'll be messy, but at this point I really don't give a fuck!"

"Calm down," Giles said quietly, with his hands up in placation.

Xander overrode whatever platitude the man was about to spew. "Fuck Calm! This prickless wonder just ruined my entire life! Now that I really am one of the girls, there's no blonde or redhead in my future! I mean, sure, now I can figure out why they all flock to the bathroom at the same time, but I actually like standing up to take a piss, for the love of all things Hostess®!"

Giles was deadpan calm. "We could always get a stick of dynamite, shove it up her arse and set it off."

"Yes!" Xander shouted in full mania. "No, wait. Where in the Twinkiedom are we gonna find that?" Her eyes darted around rapidly. "Uncle Rory might have some blasting caps at his construction job, which means he would know where to get some."

Her face then fell. "That wont work. He'll never recognize me. Not like this!" she emphasized that by grabbing her new breasts, then winced from squeezing them too hard. "And with the ow," she hissed.

Now Giles knew something was very, very wrong. Xander would usually take up the sarcasm baton and run across the Rubicon with it. This wasn't sarcasm, however. The look of murder on her new face confirmed it. Then, there was the rapidly changing moods.

This had all the hallmarks of a nervous breakdown in progress. The boy… young man… young woman hadn't even noticed the tears streaming down her face yet, and it was like watching a chained animal that was ready to chew its own leg off to get free.

Pushing his own anger down, Giles squared himself as one of his charges needed him right now. Stepping forward, he placed his hands on her shoulders. "Xander, look at me," he said quietly. "This isn't the end of the world. Even if we don't find a way to change you back, you will still recover." He saw the crestfallen look on her face as she looked up at him and realized that she had completely shattered.

"I wanted kids, Giles," Xander said under her breath. "A whole gaggle of them running around, calling me Dad." There was a pause as a shudder went through her. "I wanted kids, not give birth to them. The only dick I liked was mine." Another pause as her breath started to hitch. "What am I gonna do?" she squeaked.

Seeing that she was breaking down properly now, Giles pulled her into a hug. "Persevere," he said gently. "It's all any of us can do."

"Oh, God," Xander finally let go and started bawling. Even though they lived on the Hellmouth, this was one step too far.

Earlier That Night

The smell of death was everywhere, and Laura found herself in a crouch screaming in unholy agony. It felt like she just had her bones infused with adamantium again. Every bone hurt, from the tips of her toes to her skull, she was on fire. Her claws were popping in and out of her hands on reflex as she spun about, and there seemed to be a dust cloud around her for some strange reason.

Tasted like death and ashes.

"Laura! STOP!" a shrill voice came from her left.

Spinning into a defensive crouch with fists and claws towards the voice, Laura saw a red clad teen that looked like she was about to completely piss herself. Next to her was a blond teen girl in somewhat recognizable armour, holding a sword and watching the area intently. They were more than familiar, but she'd dealt with alternate universes before. They were far too young.

"Wanda," she rasped in recognition of the one in red. The blond turned her head towards her, and she nodded at her. "Val."

"Come with us, sweetie," Wanda requested with her hand out towards her. "The situation is quite dire."

Willow stepped through the rippling wall with a hint of a red haze about her, causing Giles to set loose a flurry of catalogue cards, he was so startled. "I apologize for surprising you, Mr. Giles. We have a major situation on our hands, and you are the one with the most knowledge on the supernatural in this area that can aid us to rectify it."

Blinking confusedly, not the least of which due to the girl walking through a bloody wall, Giles was more than a bit stunned to hear a rather calm and mature girl, instead of the normal rambling butchering of the English language. "W-Willow? Wh-what?"

Shaking her head, the girl denied that immediately. "Incorrect. Many children have been turned into whatever costume they were wearing for the holiday festivities. I sense an intense amount of chaos based magic involved. For the moment, please call me Wanda. For the record, and you will not repeat this, I am relatively forty five years old. Willow is still here, but she is an observer."

She paused, blinking. "An observer who speaks without the use of commas or other punctuation… Rapidly. Please come with me to Miss Summers residence. We need to discover who or what did this, and we need your local intelligence."

Giles went from stunned, to alarmed, to amused, to wary in under ten seconds. The mental whiplash had him default to his rather 'British Tweediness', as Buffy or Xander would call it. "Indeed."

A quick teleport, followed by a 'Good Lord', and Giles found himself in Buffy's living room. Looking about, he saw his slayer in a Nordic suit of armour bent over a girl wearing green army fatigues at the sofa, rubbing her arms in what looked to be comfort. The unknown girl had long dark hair, and appeared to be in a rather intense amount of pain.

Buffy turned and spotted them. "Wanda, can you do something for Laura? She says that it feels like her bones were just bonded again."

"Ouch," Wanda muttered in sympathy. "Talk with Mr. Giles while I tend to her, Val."

Swapping places, Wanda's hands glowed red as they went over Laura's body. Giles was startled when Buffy was almost in his face. And, she nearly was in his face. Looking down, he could see that she wasn't wearing heels, but she appeared to be a good six inches taller. "My word."

"Yes," Val nodded. "Elizabeth is rather happy with the difference in height." She paused and tilted her head, before looking annoyed. "No, I will not. Elizabeth is your name, not that Californian aberration you favour." She paused again, then rolled her eyes. "That's because Thrud isn't a common name. Val could be a shortened version of Valerie. That it's actually short for Valkyrie is a nice happenstance."

"Thrud?" Giles whispered with wide eyes. "Y-you are Th-Thor's daughter?"

Val grinned. "Yes, I am. Very proud of that fact, too. Now, you are the local source of knowledge about this dimensional fracture, what Elizabeth calls a 'Hellmouth'." She winced as Buffy shrieked at her again. "Is there anything that you know that could cause children to turn into their costumes for the evening?"

"I'm sorry, Laura," Wanda said with a shake of her head, drawing Val and Giles' attention. "Something's blocking me. I can't get rid of your pain."

"S'alright," Laura growled. "Lived through it before. Should be okay in the mornin'."

"Forgive me," Giles interrupted. "But I don't believe we've been introduced. I realize that you aren't quite yourself, my dear, but I don't recognize you. While Val is Buffy and Wanda is Willow, could you tell us who you are currently inhabiting?"

A raspy chuckle came out of girl. "A very pissed off teenage boy by the name of Xander."

"Good Lord!"

"Yeah, and all the parts you think would be there aint, while new parts replaced 'em," Laura said, then tilted her head with a pained smile. "Oh hush, it's hilarious. At least I'm gay, or you'd have all sorts of memories of the heroes I rode," she paused, grinning. "Yeah, I thought so. And yeah, Illyana was the kinky sex bomb. Loved that Russian chica." She looked wistful and a touch melancholy over that last bit.

"Wasn't your fault," Wanda said quietly, rubbing Laura's arms again.

Shrugging, Laura looked depressed. "I know. Been a year and I still miss her." Wanda leaned in to give her a hug, then kissed her forehead, causing a grin. "Love you too, mom."

"Mom?" Giles said quietly.

Laura scowled at him. "Adopted."

"Yes, please don't focus on our family dynamic," Val said. "Now I'll ask again. What magic do you know that would cause children to be transposed with beings from other realms, dimensions, times or universes?"

Blinking rapidly, Giles pulled his handkerchief to polish his glasses, a bit stuck on the word 'our' in Val – Thrud's statement. "I-I-I'm not sure. Seems… seems rather chaotic to me."

"Definitely chaos magic, as I said," Wanda nodded. "I might be able to track that." At Giles' questioning look, she grinned. "I'm a chaos witch."

"How are you sane?" Giles blurted loudly in a high pitch, before blushing. "Ah, th-that is to s-say. I-I apologize. That, that was un-unseemly of me."

A knowing smile on her face, Wanda chuckled. "Wasn't for a while, there. Cure for it was a touch permanent, but I don't mind one bit."

"You just like being in my head," Val said playfully.

Nodding, Wanda agreed. "Of course. You're just so damned kinky."

"I don't need to hear this," Laura grumbled, which made Val wink at Wanda as they both smirked. "Mom and Momma sexy time isn't something nice to think about. And now Xander's wailing about the unfairness of everything. Shut up, idiot. Don't need to see or hear your fantasies."

Giles' polishing became a bit more rapid. "I agree. Please refrain from such sordid details. I consider the young people you're residing in as close to my children as I'm ever going to have, so any details of that nature-"

"Say no more," Val grinned. "We'll refrain. That statement did get a rather large cooing 'aw' from Elizabeth, and a huggle demand." She winced as Buffy bitched loudly about her name again.

"Same with Willow," Wanda smirked.

Laura started cackling. When she was able to control herself, she looked at Giles. "He just said 'Daddy, make it stop! I like peeing standing up!' Damn, I needed that," she lapsed into giggles again, drawing grins from everyone.

Rosenberg Residence – Nov 1

Willow answered the door and lookedslightly up at Buffy's worried face. It was a bit strange seeing herself through Buffy's eyes, and Buffy agreed with her for the reverse. "Tall," she eventually got out.

Confused, Buffy looked down at their feet then back up at her. "I guess that's why none of my jeans fit anymore. Had to dig a skirt out." She then smiled brighter than Cordelia ever did. "I'm normal sized!"

Willow froze when Buffy hugged her close in her happiness. It wasn't because of the hug, because that was normal. The new thing was Buffy smooching her into incoherence. The freezing stopped when she started kissing back with a bit of a moan.

Their eye's popped open at the same time as they blushed and pulled back a bit. "Xander," they said together.

Buffy grabbed her hand and pulled her along as they ran, the door slamming behind them. Neither noticed that Willow was keeping up with her for once, and not being whiplash dragged as they hotfooted it to Giles' place.

They saw the Watcher's worried face when he opened the door. "She won't leave the bedroom," he said quietly before they opened their mouths, noting that Buffy hadn't lost her height.

"Crap," Willow said under her breath.

Buffy spoke up with, "Which room?"

"Upstairs, second on the left," Giles replied. "Be gentle, you two. Her entire world is upside down."

Buffy heard her a split second before Willow did. Opening the door to the room confirmed it. Xander was turned away from the door, curled in a ball on the single bed, crying her eyes out. And either the mattress was cheap or Xander was still making with the metal bones thing, because the depression wasn't just with her. She was way sunk in the bed, too.

The weekend was spent mostly in Xander's recovery from her 'death' as a male. In other words, she wasn't left alone. This became pointedly obvious as a requirement when she was caught cutting herself with her new claws.

There was also a more foreboding and imminent-threat resolve face, with a very low and flat statement given to Giles that he WOULD get Xander permanently OUT of the Harris household. Willow always knew what happened in that house since they were six years old. While Xander would never say anything to Jessie about it, he couldn't withstand the questioning Willow put him through whenever a new bruise would show up.

A pinky swear over a broken yellow crayon at age seven ensured that Xander would tell Willow everything on a regular basis, with an emergency option of hiding at her house when Tony got really bad.

That was one thing that had Giles' "dander up". He completely missed all the signs of an abused teen. The fact that he was trained to spot these things didn't make it any easier, either.

A phone call to two of his contacts that owed him several favours, and Xander had a new identity with the proper American paper trail. All of which was done without the Council's involvement. He didn't trust that pillock Travers to throw him. Or, however that idiom went.

Alexander (Xander) Lavelle Harris was now legally missing and presumed dead, and Alexandria (Lexi) Danielle Bowen was the legal ward of Rupert Giles. The name was chosen as a joint decision. Danielle was Willow's middle name and Bowen was Buffy's Visitor's Mother's alias for her Midgard name. Buffy stopped and blinked at that sentence structure after she said it. "Did that make sense? Sounded better in my head."

As for Giles, he neglected to tell them that his 'contacts' were his great aunts, rather powerful witches of the Devon Coven; nor that legally, 'Lexi' was now Giles' orphaned Niece from his rather real late sister, and a fictional brother-in-law that recently died from a barbecue fork accident in San Francisco.

The fact that Tony Harris was now a suspect in his son's disappearance wasn't secret for longer than three days, however. Giles could have kissed his great aunt Lavinia over that, no matter how unsettling that would be.

Sunnydale High Library – Monday Morning

It took a bit of cajoling to get Xander… ah, Lexi into some 'appropriate' clothes. She bitched all Sunday afternoon as Willow, Giles, Buffy and Joyce went through the mall with her to get her a new wardrobe. The only thing they didn't press was getting her a dress or skirt of some sort. The initial reaction to the joking suggestion got a pair of claws snapped out at them.

As it was, she had several sets of jeans, tee shirts, and boots. Blouses were shunned, though. Instead, there were several button ups from the men's side of the stores.

The one thing they would not indulge, though, was any sort of Hawaiian shirts. Fire was threatened for any, which got an absurdly cute pout out of her. She was placate later with manna from Hostess® and a rather large deep dish pizza.

Joyce was more than sympathetic after the initial shock wore off. She had immediately apologized for the asylum thing. Part of the penance she took onto herself was to teach a horrified Xander what being a girl was all about. He immediately called it the Red Monster and glared at everyone who laughed about it.

Still not out of her funk, mourning, rage or whatever else you could think of, the new Lexi was sitting with Willow and Buffy in the library when an annoyance walked through the door.

"Where's the dweeb?" Cordelia announced herself.

Glaring, Lexi introduced her new self with a phrase. "Barbecue fork."

Her flouncing into the room came to an abrupt halt as all the blood drained from Cordelia's face. "Wh-wha?"

"He's dead. What do you care?" Lexi snarled.

"He… I…" Cordy stuttered a bit, before she fell backwards in a dead faint.

The three Scoobies looked at each other in confusion. "She has a heart," Willow stated in pure shock.

"Who knew?" Lexi mumbled.

A rather tall and statuesque woman in Norse armor and holding a spear appeared with the flash of a rainbow at the city limits, not ten feet away from the tacky 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign. Her blond hair was in long, tight woven plaits that went down the front of her armor.

Scowling, she was appalled with the horrid black taint of magic on the Midgard village. "What in the Helheim?" she swore.

Only through her daughter's word was she here, and had forbidden Thrud or her wife and daughter from appearing until after she assessed the situation. A substantial amount of raw Uru had gone missing from the palace vaults, worrying Thor immensely. This was on top of the tale that her daughter had given, with the essence sharing between them and three mortals. Thor would have come himself, but negotiations with three other realms were taking all of his time these days, and didn't appear to be resolving itself any time soon.

A flick of her wrist turned her spear into a short sword, which she then sheathed. A small tap to the jewel on her belt activated a glamor that hid her armor with the appearance of Midgardian clothing. Gritting her teeth, she marched forward into the maelstrom of the worst convergence of dark energies she'd seen since Ragnarok.

Brunnhilde, the Queen of Asgard had arrived on the Hellmouth. She would find her answers and punish the fool who dared abduct her daughter, the Princess.

YAHF Xander-23 Challenge!

Xan-Man wants to go as Wolverine for Halloween, but some idiot broke the plastic claws. Ethan gives him a discount for busted merchandise, as those are the last pair.

Since there are two claws for each hand instead of three, Logan doesn't make an appearance… Laura does.

When Xander wakes up, he finds himself in Ethan's shop, holding the Chaos Mage up against the wall by his neck – with two popped claws pointing at the man's eyes… that are still adamantium… and he realizes that he's a girl.

Things I'd like to see…

Xander: "You killed my best friend!"

Ethan: "The ginger's still alive! Her spirit went back to her body!"

Xander: "My Dick, you Moron! Change. Me. Back! Or I take yours in payment!"

Pairing Preference

Xander/Faith (when she shows up) Her taking Faith under her wing when she smells the scent of fear on the Dark Slayer, and not taking her 'Five-by-Five' BS since she's running petrified from Kakistos. If Xander decapitates Kakistos in front of Faith, all the better – as it will help Faith trust her, or possibly get her to smoochie assault her. (Him with Buffy or Willow would work too, but I prefer Faith, since I really like Buffy/Willow.)

Other Suggestions

Xander's tolerance for Deadboy drops like a stone, since he positively reeks of death to her new nose.

Instant Spike Dusting when he shows up. Drusilla can be a big bad for a while, but get rid of the Billy Idol wannabe.

Someone taking legal custody to get him away from his abusive parents. Prefer Joyce, but Giles will do, too. If it's Joyce, then please get her informed on the Slayage business so she wont have to mourn Xander when she's now Lexi, or whatever you decide her female name to be.

I figure that Laura Kinney is similar to a Slayer, without the crappy crampy warning system, just a 'nose' for things, like death or other crappy smells—Like Vampires, for example. She even has her own built in weapon system!