Chapter 7: Big, Big Plans (song of the same title, by Chris Lane)
"Zac!" JJ called out, running up the front steps of the building, "Zac!"
Zac furrowed his brow, thinking he might have heard his name, and as he turned, he found JJ making her way up the steps behind him.
"Hey JJ," Zac said, taking his headphones out of his ears, "What are you doing here?"
JJ smiled softly, "I was in the neighbourhood," she replied, "I thought I'd drop in on my… nephew?"
Zac chuckled and nodded, "I'll refrain from referring to you as aunty," he joked, tipping his head towards the front door, "Did you want to come up for a minute?"
JJ nodded, "How was your run?" she asked, as Zac held the door open for her.
"Not bad. Still missing the humidity from Palau, but at least it's getting warmer up here," he replied.
"If you're ever keen for a running buddy, let me know," JJ said, rounding the top of the first flight of stairs, "I normally run a track around the Lincoln Memorial and the Monument."
Zac nodded, "That's convenient… let me know next time you're going and I'll try to be free."
They reached the apartment and Zac unlocked it, letting JJ walk in first. He threw his keys and iPod on the entry table and made his way down the hall, towards the kitchen. He'd been running for an hour and was in desperate need of a drink of water, but he saw no need to be rude to his visitor.
"Can I get you something to drink?" he asked, opening the fridge and taking out his water, sipping it quickly, "I was going to put a pot of coffee on."
"Coffee would be great," JJ replied, "I actually needed to grab something from Emily's study, if that's alright?" she asked, gesturing with her thumb over her shoulder.
Zac nodded as he made up the coffee pot and pressed the start button, "Go for it," he replied, watching her walk away, "That Clyde guy came by… seemed like he didn't find anything interesting."
JJ huffed, walking through the door into Emily's study and walking straight to the drawer that had been described to her by the owner.
"I didn't think he would," JJ replied loudly, "But it didn't cost you anything to let him in, and what you've got now is an IOU from a pretty important guy."
JJ opened the drawer and reached underneath, loosening the base of the drawer and pushing it back, as she'd been instructed, an envelope dropping into her waiting hand. She fixed the drawer base, closing it quietly as she stood. She slipped the envelope into her suit jacket pocket, making her way back into the hall. She found Zac standing by the dining table, holding out a cup of coffee for her.
Zac tipped his head towards the living room and JJ nodded. He followed her, dropping onto the couch and letting out a sigh before he took a sip of his coffee.
"Thanks," JJ said, walking towards the living room, bypassing the couch to make her way to the mantel and perusing the photos, "I see you've been redecorating."
Zac huffed and nodded, "Yeah… it was nice to go through the albums and pick some photos to put out on display," he replied, "Although… I did pack them up when Clyde was coming over for his visit."
JJ nodded, turning back to glance at Zac, "Good thinking," she replied, turning back to look at a photo that caught her eye. It was definitely Jack Hotchner… and Zac and Jack were riding potato sacks down a slide, with other fair rides and a big top in the background of the shot. JJ furrowed her brow as she sipped her coffee, wondering how much time Zac was spending with Hotch and his son.
"Well, I can't take credit for the idea," Zac explained, "It was Aaron who suggested it."
JJ nodded, turning back and taking a seat on the couch, "He's smart like that," she replied, "So what else have you been up to?"
JJ pushed her way through the front doors of the station, walking as quickly as her feet would take her. She needed to get out of the testosterone factory that was the Madison Police Department, before she did something stupid… like punch Morgan in the face. And given this was JJ's first case back on the team, she should probably avoid any charges for assault and battery.
It was beginning to all come back to her now, the moments she shared with Emily when they heard something come out of one of the guy's mouths that stunned them. A look they'd exchange when they realised that, even with all of the growth that each of their teammates had made in their years, they were still men, and they would never understand.
"God Em, where are you when I need you?!" JJ huffed as she leant against the brick wall of the building, looking up at the sky and trying to adequately express her frustration.
The comment that Morgan had made about the most recent rape victim they'd just rescued being fortunate, because her injuries weren't too bad, had been the last straw for JJ. The last straw in a pile of straw in frustrating exchanges with the all-male ensemble she was currently working with. There were only a few officers in the small station for the district where the attacks were taking place, and none of them were women. Even Garcia was taking leave, visiting her step-brothers in California to celebrate the youngest brother's twenty-first birthday, leaving Kevin as the team's technical support for the investigation.
All of this meant that JJ was the only woman left, leaving her to support the victims, add the female perspective to the investigation, and advocate for the entire female population of the small city.
"Missing Emily a little more today, hey?"
JJ looked up at Hotch and rolled her eyes, watching him make his way towards her. He leant against he brick wall, next to JJ, and she took a moment to breathe deeply, hoping that Hotch's presence would calm her.
"You know Morgan didn't mean what you think he meant, right?" Hotch asked, looking over at JJ. He knew that his comment would be of little consolation to JJ, but he'd already pulled Morgan up on his remark, and he needed JJ back in the station to help them present the profile.
JJ nodded, "I know… I just wish he'd think about his words before he said them," she replied, "What if one of the victims overheard him? Or the unsub? Or one of the officers?" she asked.
Hotch bit his lip and nodded in agreement, "I know JJ," he replied softly, "If it helps, I've already given him a talking to."
"You're right though," JJ said with a sad smile, "We need her back."
Hotch nodded, dropping his head and staring at his shoes, "We're working on it… that's all we can do," he replied, looking up to check they were alone, "And when she's back, we'll know not to take it for granted."
JJ nodded, sighing and looking over at Hotch, wondering if now was the time to ask. Yes, they had work to do, but the moment before presenting the profile offered them a little calm, with officers coming back from patrol to listen to the presentation and the team preparing who would deliver which aspects of the profile. And once it was delivered, they'd be on-the-run again, not stopping until they were headed back to Quantico. So now might be the only time that she had alone with Hotch to ask the questions she needed to ask.
"I meant to ask, but we haven't been alone since I came back," JJ said softly, shoving her hands in her pockets, "I went to visit Zac the other day and I saw a photo. Have you been spending time with him?"
Hotch furrowed his brow, "What photo?" he asked, not quite sure how to respond to JJ's question.
"Uh… it was Zac and Jack, I think they were at a fair?" JJ replied, "They were on a big slide, and I guess I was just wondering."
Hotch nodded, feeling a slight discomfort at the possibility that JJ might figure out the underlying motive for his spending time with Zac – wanting to feel close to Emily by spending time with her son, wanting to provide him with a kind of father figure. He didn't think it was inappropriate, but he did wonder if it might reveal more about his feelings for Emily, especially when he hadn't really revealed those feelings to Emily yet.
"Zac came to me with questions a few weeks ago, and we've spent some time together since then," he explained, "It seemed like he needed someone, given that he's lost his mom and he doesn't really spend time with his father…" Hotch paused and shrugged, "Besides, Jack enjoys his company."
JJ nodded, "You don't need to explain yourself to me, Hotch," she replied, "Emily obviously trusted you with this information, and I trust both of you… I guess…" JJ shook her head, "… We never had a proper conversation about what you told him… about Emily. I've managed to put off his questions for now, but maybe we should get our stories straight before he becomes more insistent."
Hotch nodded, "Well, we can't very well talk about it now," he replied, "How about you and Will and Henry come over to the new house for dinner one night and we'll talk then?"
JJ nodded and smiled, "Sounds like a plan," she replied, studying Hotch's face for a moment. He looked tired, which was understandable. JJ knew that Hotch, like everyone else on the team, was continuing his investigation into Doyle in his little spare time. They were all trying to find that elusive clue that would allow them to bring Emily's torturer to justice. But for Hotch, it wasn't just about finding Doyle and bringing Emily back to the team. JJ knew that, almost as much as Hotch himself.
"Hey you two!" Rossi called out from the front steps of the station, waiting for them both to look up before he continued, "They're ready for us."
JJ and Hotch nodded, pushing away from the wall in unison, abandoning their thoughts of finding Ian Doyle and rescuing Emily… at least for now.
Hotch couldn't help the sigh of relief that climbed all the way up from his gut as he made his way down through the parking garage to his waiting car. He was glad to be back in DC, after a stressful few days in Wisconsin. They'd been hunting a team who had been raping women in a town an hour out of Milwaukee and, for much of the time they'd been there, the team had been in a funk.
Hotch climbed into the car and buckled his seatbelt, turning the key in the ignition as he thought about the case. JJ was finally back on the team, and everyone was excited to have her coming in as a profiler. Seaver had been a great addition, for a time, but she hadn't yet developed a thick enough skin or the maturity of the other women who had filled those shoes before her. Hopefully her time on Andi Swan's team would help with that.
Having JJ back had been wonderful, but it also served to remind everyone on the team that there was someone missing. Someone important to every one of them, whose kindness and compassion were needed most on cases like this. Not that the rest of them weren't able to show that kindness and compassion, but not in the way that came so naturally and beautifully to Emily Prentiss.
Hotch reached over and changed the station, huffing at the irony as the song began, the lyrics digging at his soul as he drove along the I-95.
Tonight's the night I'm gonna
Make my true confession.
Got my courage up
There's nothing that can keep me down now.
My words get tangled up in good intentions
But I know what my heart wants to say, hey.
Hotch's mind drifted away from his current location, taking him far from the streets of DC. He imagined himself walking down a cobbled street in Paris, where he would find her drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. He had no idea why his mind took him to Paris, when he had no real idea where Emily was. All he knew was that she was away, JJ still refusing to give him any details of her whereabouts.
And since JJ wouldn't tell Hotch where Emily was, he just had to make it all up for himself. So, in his mind, she was in Paris. She spent her days wandering the streets of the city, exploring museums and art galleries, taking cooking classes, drinking espresso… at least that's what he hoped she was doing. The team were working on finding Doyle, and Emily needed this time to heal and recuperate, so she could come back to DC and fight again when the time came.
Hotch imagined flying to Paris, finding her in a café or a park and taking her hand in his. He imagined being able to hold her again, being able to smell the faint scent of her perfume, hearing the beautiful sound of her laughter, and seeing the bright smile that lit up her face. He imagined holding her hand and walking down the street with her, kissing the top of her hair and smelling the coconut from her shampoo. There were other activities he had imagined, but for now, while he was driving, he needed to reign that imagination in.
Hotch thought back to the last time he'd seen her, face-to-face. She had been standing in his office, talking with him and Rossi about the plan for catching Doyle, when Morgan had shown up with the news of additional victims, one of which had been her friend – not that they knew it at the time. Emily had insisted on going with him to the crime scene… and that was it. She had come back to the BAU for the start of the briefing, but he had only glanced at her as he'd delivered the instructions to the rest of the taskforce.
However, that conversation in his office, when she'd given Hotch the bag with Jack's shirt and toys, that was the last time that he'd spoken with her. The last time they'd been alone. The moment when he felt like they were breaking up.
Hotch quickly did the math in his head and his heart ached.
Three months.
Three long months since he'd seen her, and god only knew how many more months would pass before he would see her again. Hotch felt an impatience at the prolonged waiting, as if they were running out of time. The feeling was sudden, and it made Hotch's stomach turn.
Hotch couldn't help the shame that he felt as he thought about the time he had wasted, being so close to Emily but not telling her that he loved her. Not telling Emily what she meant to him, when he had the chance. They could have already been something before she left, been something more than they already were. Although, Hotch wondered if that might have been a mercy. To have come that far only for Emily to have to disappear.
The more time he spent away from her, and the more time he spent with her son, the more he realised that he didn't care if it cost him his career… when Emily was back, when she was "alive" again, he was going to tell her. At the very least, he had to try. At the very least, they had to try.
He only hoped he could convince her to give them a chance to be a family.
Hotch turned his car into the small alley that ran behind their new house, pulling his car into the garage. He climbed out, grabbing his messenger bag and ready bag from the passenger seat, and locking the car behind him as he headed towards the door that led to the backyard.
Hotch was still getting used to this new house, but he was really starting to enjoy having the space. They had a nice green patch out the back, where Jack could go to kick his soccer ball around, practicing his moves between weekend matches. They also had plenty of space for visitors, and even though Zac only lived a relatively short walk away, he had been staying over whenever he was hanging out with the Hotchners. It was nice to have a little life in the house, whether they were kicking around a soccer ball, having a dance party in the living room, or cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Zac and Jack together equated to a lot of fun… and noise.
Hotch was taking that as a good sign, that Zac felt at home with him and Jack, and that this would make any potential transitions easier for all of them upon Emily's return. He liked having Zac around, and he knew that Jack loved it. They were becoming more like brothers, and Hotch didn't mind that at all.
He made his way up the stairs and onto the patio that overlooked the backyard. When he unlocked and opened the back door, Hotch offered a tired smile at Zac who was reading his textbook on the couch.
Zac looked up from his book as Hotch strolled into the living room, throwing his bags on the ground and dropping into the leather armchair. Zac couldn't help but shake his head at the exhausted look on the older man's face.
"I take it the case went well?" Zac asked, picking up the pizza box and offering it to Hotch.
Hotch sighed, accepting the food and picking up a piece of cold pizza, "Bad guys are in jail," he replied succinctly, taking a bite of the food, "Did Jack get to bed alright?" he asked, attempting to segue from any conversations about the horrors of his work. He looked at Zac and wondered if he would have any objections to his mom and Hotch changing their relationship.
If Emily wanted the same thing, that would change Hotch's friendship with Zac. And if Hotch broached the subject and she didn't want the same, then his relationship with Zac would still be impacted, which would, in turn, impact Zac's relationship with Jack. Hotch let out a puff of air at the fears that started running away from him, but they weren't strong enough to make him change his mind.
He realised that he had missed Zac's response to his question, and as he looked at Zac's furrowed brow, he realised that Zac had asked a question in return.
"Aaron?"
Hotch shook his head and looked over at the young man, "Sorry Zac, what did you say?"
"I was just asking if you wanted a beer?" Zac replied, "I brought a six-pack with me, and I've only finished one."
Hotch nodded, standing from the couch and walking with Zac through the dining room and into the kitchen. He went to the fridge and took out two bottles, turning back to hand one to Zac.
"Thanks for hanging out with Jack tonight," Hotch said softly, taking a quick sip of his drink, "I almost couldn't believe it when Jessica said she was going on a date… she's not really one to do that."
Zac smiled and nodded, "It's all good," he replied, "I really like hanging out with Jack."
"He likes it when you're around too," Hotch added, tipping his head, "I actually think he prefers you to me."
Zac chuckled and the sound made Hotch smile, "That's just because I'm more fun than you are…" he shook his head at Hotch's laugh, "And I'm happy to hang out with him any time. It's not like you're at risk of having both your back-up babysitters having dates at the same time."
"You haven't met anyone since you've been back in DC?" Hotch asked, sipping on his beer.
"Nope," Zac replied with a sigh, "I was in love with a girl a few years back, and I think that experience kind of spoiled me for any future relationships."
Hotch chuckled and nodded, "I know what you mean," he said softly, shaking his head and looking back to Zac, "So what was the deal?"
Zac shrugged, "Uh… her name was Lucy. We met when we were kids, when we used to go to the house at Martha's Vineyard every summer. Lucy's parents live there, and we grew up spending almost every summer together," he explained, "In the summer between high school and college, I worked at her dad's boat hire shop and spent a lot of time with Lucy. We thought we'd invented summer romance."
Hotch smiled and nodded, "And then what happened?" he asked, suspecting what was coming, but wanting to give Zac space to tell his story in his own words.
Zac smiled sadly, "Summer ended, I was going to Yale and she was taking a gap year to teach English overseas," he explained, "We realised we were both heading in different directions and needed to say goodbye."
"And you haven't dated anyone else since?" Hotch asked.
Zac nodded, "I have… just…" his voice trailed off and he looked down at the bottle in his hand, taking a sip before he continued, "No one quite measured up to Lucy." Zac shook his head and looked up at his friend, "What about you?" he asked, "Anyone since Mom?"
Hotch furrowed his brow, swallowing hard over the lump in his throat, "Uh… your mom and I never… we were just…" Hotch paused and cleared his throat, deciding not to start lying to Zac, at least not about this, "How did you know?"
Zac chuckled and shrugged, "My mom was a profiler, so I guess I picked up on some skills over the years," he replied, "I suspected she cared about you as more than a friend for a long time, and even though I assumed you felt the same way, it wasn't until we met that I was able to confirm it."
Hotch closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest, "I never told her," he said softly.
"Aaron," Zac replied, shaking his head incredulously, "She knew."
Hotch looked up at his friend and nodded, "I hope so," he whispered.
"I know so," Zac replied, holding up his beer and tapping it against Hotch's.
Taking a sip and watching Zac, Hotch felt that bubble of hope grow in his chest. If Zac knew, about both his feelings and Emily's, then maybe they had a chance. Of course, Zac couldn't know there was hope for their family in the future, so Hotch had to school his features, but it was still hope.
"Sorry to change the subject, but this conversation's actually reminded me of something I wanted to ask you," Zac said brightly, standing up and leaning against the counter.
"Sure… ask away," Hotch replied, grateful that Zac was pulling him away from his thoughts. He'd already spent enough time in his own mind for the day and was glad for a reprieve.
"Jack was saying he'd love to go back to the beach, and I thought we could go to the house at Martha's Vineyard for a long weekend," Zac said, "Maybe sometime towards the end of July?"
Hotch pursed his lips and nodded, "I think we could make that work, if it's ok with your grandparents."
Zac nodded, "I already called to check," he explained, "Figured it would give me a good idea of whether or not to ask."
"Well, I say lock it in," Hotch replied, "I'll check the dates when I'm back at work on Monday and let you know." He took another sip of beer before tipping his head, "Now, do you have to get going or are you up for a movie?"
"I'm keen," Zac said with a smile, "What did you have in mind?"
"I feel the need… the need for speed."
"Jack!" Hotch called out from the kitchen, "TV off now, buddy! Time to do your chores."
"But Dad!" Jack whined from the living room, "It's just started!"
Hotch rolled his eyes, tossing the tea towel on the counter and making his way through to the living room where he found Jack sitting on the floor, way too close to the television. Hotch picked up the remote from the coffee table and turned the television off, shocked when Jack turned and gave his dad a glare that would make even the most evil unsub shake in their boots. It was clear to Hotch that Jack had been watching him over the years, and had learned quite a bit.
"Up," Hotch ordered, "Now... and put that glare away."
Jack stood and stomped away from Hotch, continuing the stomping as he made his way into the kitchen. Hotch couldn't help the tiny chuckle that escaped his mouth at Jack's behaviour, and he tried to school his features before he followed. When he rounded the corner, making his way into the kitchen, Hotch found Jack stacking the dishes into the dishwasher, still emanating a mood even though he was silent. Hotch bit his lip as he continued over to the trash can, taking the full liner out and tying it up before he pulled the bag out.
Hotch headed to the door and was reaching for the handle when the doorbell rang. He looked through the side window and smiled, opening the door to greet his guests.
"Good afternoon Ambassador," Hotch said brightly, smiling at the slight woman standing on the front stoop, accompanied by her grandson, "Hey Zac."
"Aaron," Elizabeth replied, "How many times do I have to tell you to call me Elizabeth?"
Hotch huffed, "At least once more, I think," he replied. He held up the bag and tipped his head, "Come on in... I'll just go and put this in the trash." He stepped aside to let the others in the house, running down to the front steps quickly and dumping the trash in the can, before he returned to the house and closed the door behind himself. He made his way through to the kitchen, gesturing for Elizabeth and Zac to follow him. Hotch went straight to the sink to wash his hands and glanced over his shoulder at Jack.
"You want to say hi to our visitors, Jack?" Hotch asked, turning back as he wiped his hands on a towel.
"Hi," Jack said softly, pushing the dishwasher door closed before he walked out of the kitchen, his shoulders dragging.
"What's up with him?" Zac asked, gesturing with his thumb over his shoulder. Jack was a firecracker and would normally greet Zac with a flying hug, but something had obviously caused him to turn into a grump.
"He's cranky with me because I made him do his chores before he watched any more cartoons," Hotch huffed, filling up the kettle and putting it on the stove, "I think he's seen me glare one too many times."
Zac huffed, watching his grandmother hold back a chuckle, "Well... I suppose we all have our moments," he replied, holding up a basket and placing it on the counter.
"What's this?" Hotch asked, furrowing his brow and nodding at the object.
"It's a little late, considering how long you've been in your new home," Elizabeth explained, "But this was the first chance I've had to bring this around myself... it's just a little house-warming gift."
"You didn't have to do this," Hotch replied, as Elizabeth gestured for him to open the gift. He untied the plastic wrapping from the basket and smiled, taking out a puzzle and holding it up, "I'm guessing this is for Mr. Crankypants?"
Zac chuckled and nodded, "Sure is," he replied, watching as Hotch furrowed his brow at the rest of the contents, "The bread mix is so that your household may never know hunger," he explained.
"The salt is so that your lives may always know flavour," Elizabeth added, "And wine is so that you may always experience joy and prosperity."
Hotch pursed his lips at the thoughtfulness of the gifts, looking over to Zac and Elizabeth. He held out a hand for Zac to shake, but when he turned to Elizabeth, she pulled him into a hug and kissed his cheek gently.
"It's what Emily would have wanted," Elizabeth said softly as she stepped back, squeezing Hotch's hands in her own, "She would be so happy for you."
Hotch swallowed hard over the lump in his throat, and he nodded, smiling sadly at Elizabeth.
Zac cleared his throat and gestured with his thumb over his shoulder, "I'll go check on Mr. Crankypants," he remarked, leaving his grandmother and kinda-dad behind as he ran up the stairs to find Jack.
Hotch turned to Elizabeth and tipped his head to the side, "Tea or coffee?"