A/N: Only note for this chapter is for Tom. There was this guy in Homeland that I thought would be a good fit, Nick Boraine. That's who I imagine as Tom.

Chapter 14: Vacancy Signs (You've Got Me Thinking, by Joshua Radin)

"Are you sure you don't want company?" Tom asked, glancing over to Emily in the passenger seat, before he looked at Declan in the back. He had arrived early that morning and, since their house in Reston was still being processed by the crime-tech's, he had been offered one of the spare bedrooms at Emily's parent's house. Until they could get back into the house, their tasks for the day included starting the search for a new house, and buying some necessities to tide them over until they could get back into the Reston house.

Emily had asked Tom to drop her off at her apartment, so that she could speak with Zac, while he took Declan to the store. While Tom had no doubt that Emily could manage this conversation with her oldest son, he would gladly go upstairs with her if it would help. He knew that she was tough as nails, but this was her child and when he'd arrived at her parent's house, he'd found her in her room, weeping. He'd stayed with her, sitting beside her bed while she cried herself to sleep, and knowing that she'd probably wake up and need him again, Tom had slept sitting up against Emily's bedside table. He could have slept next to her in the bed, but he had been listening to her talk about Hotch for years, and he wasn't about to get in the middle of all of that. Emily was all talk when she said she wasn't sure she could forgive Hotch, and Tom had no doubt that there would come a time when she'd be ready to let him back in her life.

Emily sighed and shook her head, "No," she said softly, "I need to do this on my own." She glanced in the backseat and smiled at Declan, "You guys enjoy your shopping, and don't let Tom force you to get anything with a Giants logo on it... you are a Red Sox boy, ok?"

Declan chuckled and nodded, "Ok Emily," he replied with a smile.

Emily smiled and nodded, tipping her head towards the building, "I'll call you when I'm ready," she said, reaching over to squeeze Tom's hand where it sat on the gear-stick, "Thanks for doing this."

Tom nodded as Emily climbed out of the car, and she closed the door softly behind her, making her way through the front door of the building. She turned back when she reached the foyer and looked through the window, watching Tom and Declan drive away. She took a moment for herself, breathing deeply and letting the breath out in a deep sigh. As she prepared for her conversation with Zac, Emily thought about all of the words she wanted to say. She wanted to tell Zac that she thought about him every day she was gone. She wanted to tell him that the reason she was gone was to protect him, the same thing she'd been doing every day of his life. She wanted to tell him that his anger was misplaced, that the man who was responsible for causing his pain was gone.

Emily felt a sudden sense of urgency and headed towards the stair case, climbing them quickly. Since she had left Quantico only eight hours earlier, Emily had been trying to get some rest and make sure that Declan felt safe… and doing everything she could to avoid thinking about this moment. And now here she was… standing in front of Zac's apartment door… her apartment door… and she had no idea what to say to him.

Taking a deep breath, Emily held her hand up to the door and rapped twice, taking a step back and holding her hands in front of her. As the time ticked away, Emily furrowed her brow and picked at her nails. She reached up a second time and rapped her knuckles on the door again.

Still nothing.

Emily reached into her pocket and, taking out her cell, she dialled the home phone number, waiting as the phone rang. There was no answer, and she ended the call, tapping her knuckles on the door again.

"Zac, honey," she called out, "If you're in there, please open up… we need to talk."

Emily closed her eyes and sighed, reaching into her pocket again and, this time, taking out the keys that JJ had given her. She had explained that Zac had to change the locks a few months earlier, when Clyde had come barging in. And now here she was, barging in herself.

Emily pushed the door open and listened out for any signs of movement… and finding none. She walked down the hall, passing the doors to her office and Zac's bedroom, and stopping at the entry table. She looked at the base unit for the home phone and furrowed her brow, pressing the button for the messages.

"Message received 2nd October 2011 at 3:12."

"Hey babe. I got your message. Of course you can come up. Just let me know when you're leaving DC. I love you."

Emily frowned, feeling like she knew the speaker, but unable to place the voice. What was clear from the message was that, whoever the woman was, that's probably where Zac had gone.

"Message received 2nd October 2011 at 3:17."

"Buddy, it's me. I know you're angry, but if we can just talk, I can explain everything. You can tell me to piss off, but please at least let me know that you're ok."

That was a voice that Emily immediately recognised, and she felt like throwing up. She couldn't believe what a mess this all was. She'd spent seven months missing Zac... missing Hotch... missing Jack... and now all of them were hurting. She let out a sigh, knowing that she'd eventually need to speak with Hotch and figure things out, but her priority right now was finding her son. She had to fix things with Zac before they were completely, and irrevocably, broken.

Emily looked down at the table again and, sitting by the base unit for the home phone, she found an envelope with her name on it. She sighed and picked up the envelope, dropping her keys and cell on the table. Emily made her way through the rest of the apartment and stopped in the living room. As she looked around the room, she realised that everything was the same… nothing had changed. Zac had kept everything exactly where it was, except for the photos… those were new. Emily had never put her photos out in this apartment, having moved in when her relationship with Hotch had transitioned to the point that he and Jack spent countless hours in her home. But it seemed that Zac had made his place in her home.

Emily made her way over to the mantel and looked over the gallery of framed photos that decorated the space. Her and Zac through the years. Halloween costumes and elementary school graduations; Emily's FBI Academy graduation and Zac's blue belt ceremony. As she scanned the photos, Emily's eyes fell on an image on the far end of the mantel and she furrowed her brow. She picked up the black frame and looked over their faces… Zac and Jack… riding down a massive slide, their faces full of smiles.

Emily turned away from the mantel and walked over to the couch, dropping into the seat and sighing as she sat back. She tapped the envelope against her other hand and, before she could find any more excuses to put it off, she tore it open.

Dear Mom,

I don't even know what to say. I spent so long mourning you and now I'm supposed to just accept that you're back. I know I should just be happy, that so many people who've lost someone they love would want to be in my position. And I hope, one day, I might get there.

But right now, I'm just angry. You have no idea what it's been like the last seven months. Seven months, Mom! You were alive all this time, and I was in pain. I can understand that you needed to be "dead", but you could have told me. That's why I'm angry. You keep treating me like I'm still a kid, but I'm not a kid anymore! You could have told me. And you didn't.

I know you want to talk, and that's great. You should talk… to Grams and Pop, to the team, to Aaron. But not to me. Not right now. I need time. Please don't try to call. I'll call you when I'm ready.

I do love you, Mom. I just need some time. I'm asking you to respect that I need this time. I'm going away for a while, so please, take your apartment back. I have somewhere else I can stay in the meantime. I just can't be in DC right now. I don't want you to try and find me. I want you to respect that I need this space. Please, Mom.

Love,

Zac.

Emily sighed, dropping the letter into her lap and bringing her hands up to cover her face. She felt the weeping roll through her body at the pain. He loved her. And he hated her. Her son, the boy she'd brought into the world, and the man she'd almost died trying to protect… he was gone. He hadn't even said where he was going, just asked her not to call him. Like it was that simple, that she could just turn off her concerns for him.

Emily dropped to her side and lay down on the couch, giving herself this time to fall apart. In a few minutes, she'd have to stand up again, she'd have to put on a brave face and take care of Declan and get back to work. She had her call this morning from Strauss, advising her that the team would be called before the committee to explain their actions, and Emily knew she had to figure out what to say. At least, for now, she wasn't allowed to have contact with the rest of the team. She had to wait until after her deposition before she was allowed to speak to them again, so that she couldn't be accused of trying to influence their testimonies.

And, in a way, Emily was glad for the reprieve. She'd gone from having only intermittent contact with JJ, to having her dad in her apartment, to being back again. She was feeling a little out-of-whack and needed time to recalibrate, adjust to being back home. She also needed this distance from Hotch. She couldn't see him again until she was sure she could keep him at a distance, and right now, the risk was that she would run straight into his arms and let him back in. And she knew she couldn't do that now. It wasn't even about forgiving Hotch for interfering with Emily's relationship with Zac. She had come to realise that Hotch had walked through this situation with Zac, and was just trying to protect him. It was exactly the kind of man she always knew he was.

It was exactly why she fell in love with him in the first place, because he was a protector. Hotch had obviously grown to care for Zac, and Emily couldn't fault him for that.

It wasn't until that night, on the tarmac as she watched Ian die, that Emily realised why she and Hotch could never be together. She had slept with a terrorist. She had fallen in love with a terrorist, and it wasn't until she'd watched Ian surrender to his injuries that she realised it. And Emily didn't think that was something Hotch could get past, and she wasn't about to put either of them, or their sons, into a position to find out too late. She had been in relationships where her past had been used as ammunition in conflict, and she couldn't bear the thought of that happening with Hotch.

Emily knew that, soon, she would have to talk to Hotch about this. She didn't want to drag things out, so she was hoping to find time to talk after the hearings. As soon as they could find time, Emily would tell Hotch that she couldn't be with him. And as soon as she could, Emily would start to repair things with Zac. And maybe, one day soon, Emily might start to feel like all of the mess that had come about as a result of her returning from Paris would be ok.

Emily let out a sigh, knowing that, for now, she would let herself be sad. She clutched the letter to her chest and lay her head on the pile of cushions, letting her emotions get the better of her.

Emily blinked her eyes open, letting them adjust to the dim lights of the room. She stared up at the ceiling, wondering what time it was and how long she'd been asleep. She pushed herself up from the couch, sitting up and looking around at the room and settling her eyes on the clock on the wall above the dining table.

Two.

She'd gone and had a nice, little two-hour nap. In the grand scheme of things, not such a terrible thing, especially after the craziest, most exhausting and emotional forty-eight hours of her life. Emily knew she hadn't had a great night sleep, but apparently all she needed was to be back in her own home... and to have her heart put through the wringer by two of the most important men in her life.

Emily shook her head as she stood from the couch, hearing the calling from the front door and wondering if that's what had woken her up. There was a knock and then she heard his voice as she hurried towards the hall.

"Emily," Tom called, "Are you in there?"

Emily made her way down the hall to the front door, and when she opened it, Tom and Declan were standing there, terrified looks on their faces. She watched them take a synchronised sigh of relief and she pursed her lips sheepishly.

"Oh my god," Tom exclaimed, gripping at Declan's shoulder as he moved forward to hug Emily, "You had us worried… you didn't call me, and you weren't picking up your cell."

"I'm sorry you guys," Emily replied, "I was just…" she paused and shook her head, "Anyway… come in."

Emily stood back and gestured for Tom and Declan to come inside, and she shut the door behind them, before she led them down the hall and into the living room. She gestured to the lounge and pointed her thumb over her shoulder.

"I'm going to see if there's anything in the kitchen, and then maybe we can go to the store and stock up," Emily explained, "I think it might be a good idea if we stay here, until you guys can get back into the Reston house."

Tom furrowed his brow and glanced over at Declan, before he looked up to Emily, "What about… Zac?" he asked, looking around the apartment, "Is he here?"

Emily shook her head and sighed, "No," she replied softly, looking around the apartment, "He's... uh... he's moved out, but… I want to stay here in case he comes back."

Tom nodded, "Ok, well, I'll go down to the car and get our stuff," he explained, figuring from Emily's tone that she was in business-mode. She might look like she'd been crying, but now that they were here, she'd quickly shut those emotions away and Tom knew better than to ask Emily to talk right now, "Do you want me to call your parents and let them know?"

Emily shook her head as she handed the TV remote to Declan and ran her hand over his head, "I'll call them in a minute," she replied, watching Tom nod as he started towards the door. Emily waited as Tom left the apartment, then she grabbed her cell from the entry table, clearing the missed calls from Tom and dialling her parent's phone number. While the phone rang, Emily walked back into the kitchen.

"Simon Prentiss."

"Hi Dad," Emily said brightly, "It's me."

"Milly," Simon replied, with a small smile, "Is everything ok?"

Emily huffed and shook her head as she opened the pantry doors, "Have you heard from Zac?" she asked, "He left the apartment and says he's going away."

"Was he there?" Simon asked, "Did you talk to him?"

Emily shook her head, "No, he was gone by the time I got here. And he left a note," she explained, feeling like she needed to cry, but she couldn't… she had no tears left, "Please tell me you know where he is."

"He might be with Aaron," Simon explained, "That, or he's gone to Philadelphia."

Emily furrowed her brow, "Why would he be with Aaron?" she asked, "And wait… who's in Philly?" Emily felt like she was suddenly behind the eight ball, with so much having happened in the time she was gone, and she had no idea what to do or what to ask. It was debilitating and she felt like a stranger in her own home, in her own family.

"You really need to talk to Aaron, kiddo," Simon repeated, "A lot has happened while you've been gone and he knows it all."

Emily huffed, "I can't do that Dad," she replied, "But I'll figure something out."

Simon shook his head, but knew better than to push. Emily would seek Aaron out when she was ready, and in the meantime, all he could do was support from a distance, "Your mother wants to know when we should expect you guys home," he said, "But I'm going to guess that you're going to stay at your place now."

Emily let out a sigh, "You're too smart for your own good sometimes, Dad," she teased, though not in any playful way, "I love you and Mother for letting us stay last night, but we need our space to figure this all out."

"Milly, sweetheart," Simon urged, "You always have a place here, you know that."

"I know, Dad," Emily replied, "And Zac needs to know that too."

"Aah," Simon replied, "So you need us to be his save haven?"

"I need him to know that he has somewhere he can go," Emily explained, "If he doesn't want to come here, I need to know that he can come to you and Mother."

"Ok sweetheart," Simon replied, "I understand… is there anything we can do to help?"

Emily huffed and shrugged, "Can I get back to you on that one?" she asked.

"Yes, Milly… you can," Simon said softly, "You let me know when you're up for a visit and I'll be there… and sweetheart… I love you."

"I love you too, Dad."

Emily ended the call and looked over at the fridge, taking down the notepad and pen that she kept there for grocery lists. She started a new list, checking the fridge and freezer and jotting down the ingredients for their favourite dishes: fish tacos for Tom, roast beef for Declan, and comfort pesto for Emily. She figured they all deserved their favourites, and they could do a big cook-up that afternoon and have food to last them days.

Emily looked up when she heard Declan walking into the kitchen, and she pasted a smile on her face as she greeted him.

"You hungry?" Emily asked, running her fingers through Declan's hair, smiling when he nodded, "Ok… well there's some snacks in the cupboard, but we'll need to go to the store for the rest," she explained, opening the pantry door again, "Hmmm… let's see, we've got Pringles or… popcorn?"

Zac took a deep breath as he pushed his way through the front gate, adjusting his large duffel and laptop bag on his shoulder as he made his way up the front stairs and reaching up to quickly knock on the front door. He stepped back to look through the side window, holding up a hand to wave at Hotch as he approached the door.

As the door opened, Hotch stepped back and gestured for Zac to come in, "You can still use your key, Zac," he said with a smile, "This is your home too."

Zac huffed and nodded, "I know, it just felt a little weird to use the key when you're home," he explained, "And I'm just dropping by on my way to the station."

Hotch stopped in his tracks and turned to look at Zac, "What do you mean?" he asked with a frown, "Have you spoken to your mom?"

Zac dropped his duffel and laptop bags on the floor by the liquor cabinet in the dining room and looked up at Hotch with a shrug, "I need time to think, Dad," he explained, "And Lucy said I could do my thinking in Philly."

Hotch nodded, resting his hands on his hips, "I think..." he shook his head, "Never mind."

"Dad," Zac urged, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms against his chest, "Just say it... just say that you think I should forgive her."

Hotch shook his head, "I guess I just don't understand how you can forgive me, and you can't forgive your mom," he said, crossing his arms across his chest, "She's your mom, Zac... and what happened wasn't her choice."

"She gave JJ a letter, a letter that said she was dead," Zac explained, "She had her chance to tell me the truth, and she didn't..." he paused and shook his head, "... And you... you weren't around before. I didn't have twenty-four years of life with you before all of this," he explained, biting his lip, "Dad, I have my reasons, and I'm not saying that we won't be ok, eventually, but right now, I just need to be allowed to be angry."

Hotch nodded, "Ok," he said softly, holding his hands up, "You know my views on all of this, but if you need to be angry, be angry..." he paused and smiled softly, "... If you want to go upstairs, Jack's playing in his room. I think he'd like to see you."

Zac smiled and nodded, "I'd like that," he replied, turning when Hotch called out his name.

"You know you've always got a place here, if you wanted to stay in DC."

Zac nodded again, "I know," he replied softly, "Thanks Dad."

Hotch watched as Zac headed up the stairs, waiting until he disappeared to let his head drop to his chest. He had been wracking his brain trying to figure out how to fix things, but it seemed that Zac was even more like his mother than Hotch had realised. Not that he considered taking some time in Philadelphia a bad idea. Hotch actually thought that it showed real maturity, that Zac was really thinking about how he would handle the situation with Emily, before he did or said something that he might regret.

Hotch turned back to head into the kitchen, but stopped when he heard knocking at the front door. This time, as Hotch headed down the front hall, he was shocked at the face that appeared in the side window.

"Reid," Hotch said in surprise, "What are you doing here?"

Reid shrugged, his hands in his pockets, "I'm sorry to stop by without a call first," he said softly, "But I was walking around, and I needed to talk... can I come in?"

Hotch nodded and took a step back, "Of course," he replied, "Come on in."

Reid stepped into the house, waiting to the side of the hall as Hotch shut the front door, before following him down the hall and around the corner. Along the way, Reid took notice of the photo gallery that lined the long hall, mostly black and white photos of Hotch and Jack, and another familiar face. A few of the photos featured the young man who had been at the office the night that Emily had come back to them. Reid had made some assumptions about who the young man was, that he was someone special to Emily, though Reid hadn't yet figured out exactly who he was. But the photos on Hotch's home confused Reid even further. He banked that thought away for later, turning to continue after Hotch.

They stopped in the kitchen and Hotch tipped his head to the coffee machine, "Can I get you something?" he asked, "Or tea?"

Reid nodded, "Coffee's fine," he replied softly, taking a seat at the island counter while Hotch prepared a mug for each of them, and after he handed the drink to Reid, Hotch joined him at the island, sitting at a stool on the other side.

"I'm sure you have a lot of questions," Hotch started, "Where would you like to start?"

Reid shrugged as he took a sip of his coffee, touched that Hotch remembered how he liked it. Since he'd left the office early that morning, Reid had spent time trying to figure out how he felt about this situation. He hated that JJ had lied to him, but resolving his anger at her would take time. For now, Reid just wanted answers from Hotch, and he felt like he had run through the list of the more important questions he'd ruminated on since he'd arrived home that morning, "Uh... I suppose I'd like to know why the rest of the team weren't told about the situation with Emily?" he asked, "Why was it just you and JJ?"

Hotch furrowed his brow and considered how best to answer, "I suppose JJ had to know, being with State," he explained, thinking back to the discussion with JJ in the hospital, "And we needed to keep the circle small, so it made sense for only me to know."

"But Hotch, we could have helped," Reid explained, "We could have figured out a way to keep Emily here with us... maybe she didn't have to go the way she did."

Hotch shook his head, "Doyle had too many contacts... too many resources," he explained, "We couldn't guarantee her safety here, so she had to go..." he paused and shrugged, "... besides, it was out of our hands. This was Interpol's mess to clean up, so they were the ones calling the shots."

Reid shrugged and took a sip of his coffee, wondering if that was true. He trusted Hotch, but his mind couldn't grasp the concept of Emily and Hotch and JJ not trusting the rest of the team with this information. They had done what Interpol couldn't do. They had found Doyle, protected Declan, and taken out three criminals with one fell swoop. Reid opened his mouth to ask why Clyde didn't trust the rest of the team, but he stopped when he heard footsteps coming from the stairs, and before Hotch could explain, they heard their voices.

"Hey Dad," Zac asked as he reached the bottom of the stairs, "Jack wants to know if I can take him out for ice-cream before I head to Philly."

"Yeah, please Daddy?" Jack begged, looking up when Zac came to a stop by the dining table, following his line of sight and finding Reid sitting at the counter. Jack continued to the counter, climbing up onto the stool next to Hotch and smiling over at Reid.

"Jack, you remember Spencer, don't you?" Hotch asked nervously, buying himself some time to figure out what to say about Zac. JJ had already told Hotch that Garcia was now in the know, which meant that Reid and Morgan were the last ones left, and after all of the other secrets, Hotch wondered if this might be the final straw for Reid. He was a amazingly gifted in so many ways, but Reid was also sensitive and the last couple of days had only proven that rule.

Jack nodded, "Yeah Daddy, he taught me how to do magic," he explained, "Can you show me more magic Dr. Spencer?"

Reid smiled and tapped his finger on his chin, pretending to think before he winked at Jack, "Why don't you check your pocket, Jack?" he said with a smile.

Jack looked down at his shorts and checked his first pocket, then another, gasping as he pulled a card out, "How did you do that?" he asked with a grin.

Reid shook his head and mimed zipping his lips, "A magician never reveals his secrets," he replied, smiling at Hotch's son.

Jack giggled and held up the card, "Daddy, Zac, look!" he exclaimed in delight.

Zac huffed, making his way over to the counter and stopping beside Jack, "That's a pretty neat trick," he said softly, ruffling his hand in Jack's hair.

"Sorry... Zac, this is Dr. Spencer Reid," Hotch explained, gesturing between the two young men, "Reid, this is Zac."

Zac held out a hand to Reid and smiled softly, "Zachery Prentiss," he added, "Nice to meet you."

As they shook hands, Reid's face was overcome with realisation, "Prentiss?" he asked, "Wait... are you...?"

"Emily's son," Hotch explained, watching Reid carefully to gauge his reaction. The furrow in his brow and eyes darting back and forth suggested that the genius' brain was trying to comprehend this information, so Hotch decided to give him some time to process before he spoke again.

"I don't even know what to do with this information," Reid said, letting out a sigh, "What... how long..." Reid pointed to the stairs, "But, Hotch, he called you Dad. Did you and..."

Hotch chuckled and shook his head, "It's a purely honorary title," he explained, not wanting to go into too much detail about his relationship with Zac, or with his mother. Especially since Hotch didn't really know what his relationship status with Emily really was. Instead, Hotch tried to lighten the conversation with a joke, "At least you found out about it before Morgan."

Jack tugged on Hotch's sleeve and gestured for him to stoop down low, so he could whisper in his ear. When Hotch sat up he nodded, then winked at Zac, before he turned to Reid.

"So, Spencer," Hotch said brightly, "How do you feel about ice-cream?"

Emily let go of Garcia and made her way over to Rossi, pulling him into a hug and squeezing him tight. She figured that he had suspected all along that she was alive, but he had done his job and kept his mouth shut. He'd been a profiler for too long, and Emily was sure that he'd been cataloguing everything JJ and Hotch had said or done in the past seven months. Emily wondered if she could sit down with him at some point and pick his brain about what the team had gone through in the time that she'd been gone.

As they stood back, Rossi gripped the sides of Emily's waist, smiling wide and shaking his head, "It's so good to have you back, kiddo," he said brightly, "We all missed you, so much..." he paused and tipped his head to the corner of the room where Hotch and JJ were talking, "... some of us more than others."

"It is good to be back, Dave," Emily replied, ignoring Rossi's not-so-subtle hinting, "I've missed your cooking."

Rossi laughed and shook his head, "Well I'll just have to have you around for dinner then, won't I?" he replied, squeezing Emily's side.

"You name the day, and I'll bring the wine," Emily remarked. As she ran her hand over Rossi's shoulder, Emily felt herself tense up. Her nerves apparently still sensitive to Hotch's presence, and she could tell that he had just stepped closer to them. As she turned from Rossi, she offered Hotch a small smile, feeling her heart hurt at the look on his face. He was trying for relaxed, happy... but Emily could tell from the slight raise in his eyebrows that he was putting on a show for the others. He was hopeful, and that pained Emily more than anything else in the world. No matter how much she tried to tell herself that she didn't want to be with him, that she couldn't be with him, he would always be the man she loved.

Hotch tipped his head, "Can we have a word?" he asked, lowering his voice so as not to alert the others in the room, "My office?"

Emily nodded, leaning over to kiss Rossi on the cheek and reaching up to wipe the lipstick from his skin, "You let me know when we can do dinner," she said softly, offering him a final smile and turning to follow Hotch out of the round-table room. They covered the distance to his office quickly, and Hotch stepped into his office, waiting for Emily to join him before he closed the door behind her.

He took a few steps across the room and turned back to face her. She looked tired and thin, but at least she was alive. He had been waiting for so long to have her here with him, and now she was, he didn't know where to start. There was so much ground to cover... seven months, and the rest. He'd loved her since before her "death", and there was so much to say that he was having trouble finding the words. And then, he figured he could just start with the three small words that had been on the tip of his tongue for so long. He watched her for a moment, looking at him nervously and blushing, and Hotch couldn't help the small smile that grew on his face at the beauty of hers.

Hotch opened his mouth to speak, but Emily held up her hand and shook her head, letting out a puff of air and looking down at her feet. She couldn't look him in the eyes when she said this. It was too painful to see even the glimmer of hope on his face, knowing that she was about to crush them both. But she had to say it. There was no going back now.

"I'm glad you asked me to talk, because there's something I need to say," Emily said softly, taking a deep breath but refusing to look up at Hotch, "I want to stay, I really do… I want to stay with the team and I want to do this work…" Emily paused and shook her head, "… But that's all I have in me, Hotch."

"Emily," Hotch started, but he stopped when Emily held up her hand again.

Emily shook her head again and bit her lip, "Hotch, if you feel like this isn't possible, if you think we can't work together anymore, I understand. I'll leave the BAU or the Bureau and you'll never have to see me again."

Hotch shook his head, dropping his chin to his chest, "I don't want that, Emily, none of us do…"

"Then that's the way it has to be," Emily replied with a shrug, "I'll stay on the team, as long as it works for both of us. And when it no longer works, for either one of us, I'll leave."

Hotch shook his head, resting his hands on his hips, "Emily, can we please find a time to talk? There's so much to say, and…" he dropped his head, "… your letter."

Emily bit her lip, feeling the tears start to fall down her cheeks, and she reached up to wipe them away. She cursed herself for this reaction, having told herself again and again that she wasn't going to be emotional. She was making a logical decision, to break the heart of the man she loved because she couldn't risk losing him from her life completely. And she was certain that losing him is exactly what would happen if they tried to make something work, and then her past came back to haunt them. She sighed and shook her head, "Hotch, that was before… everything that's happened since then... before then… I'm not the same person."

"I don't believe you, Emily," Hotch replied gently, moving closer to her, "I refuse to believe that you're so different from the woman who wrote that letter."

Surely she didn't mean what she was saying. This couldn't be over, before it even began. She had to give him a chance, and Hotch was determined to find some way to get her to talk to him. It's how they worked. Whenever one of them was struggling, the other would gently remind them that they were there. Ready to offer a shoulder or a hug or a glass of something. It worked before, and Hotch refused to believe that it couldn't work like that now.

Emily shook her head and sniffed, "Please don't make me talk about this now, Aaron," she begged, feeling the tears starting to pool again, "Not here."

"Then where, Em?" Hotch asked, "When?"

Emily shrugged, "I don't know," she replied, smiling sadly, "Maybe never, but maybe not never."

Hotch furrowed his brow and nodded, looking down and his feet. The fact that she wasn't concrete on the never gave him a tinge of hope, and that's all he had to hold onto right now. He took a deep breath before he looked back up at Emily, seeing the resolute look on her face, "Ok," he replied with a nod, "I'll be waiting, when… or if… you're ready."

Emily nodded and tipped her head towards the door, "I should go… the girls want to get drinks and then I have to get home to Declan and Tom."

"Emily, wait," Hotch said, causing Emily to turn back from the door. He reached over to pick up a tissue from the box on his desk and made his way over to where she was standing. He gently used the tissue to clean the mascara that had run down her cheeks, then ran the pad of his thumb to get at the sensitive areas around her eyes. He took a moment to appreciate her beauty, to look into her eyes and imagine the future they could have had, to look at her lips and imagine what it would be like to kiss her. As he felt his resolution to respect Emily's wishes start to wane, Hotch leant around her to throw the tissue in the basket by the desk, before he stood back up.

As Hotch stood back up, Emily got a whiff of his fading cologne and she closed her eyes for a moment, questioning her decision to call time on their relationship. That scent had always been a grounding force for her, making her feel safe and loved. And it still did. But as he stood back, a soft smile on his face, Emily knew that she'd done the right thing.

"Do I look half-decent again?" Emily asked, offering a pathetic smile and rolling her eyes as she ran her fingers under her eyes.

Hotch huffed, "You always look beautiful, Em," he replied quickly, offering her a small smile.

Emily swallowed over the lump in her throat, knowing that standing too close to Hotch was dangerous, even more-so when he was being sweet like this. She smiled sadly and reached up to run her fingers through Hotch's hair, sniffing back tears and shaking her head. She refused to cry again, but she had one more thing to say to Hotch, to make him understand.

"Aaron… please know if I could," Emily said softly, running her thumb over his cheek, "I would."

Hotch nodded, watching silently as Emily stepped back and turned, walking out of the office and making her way downstairs to the bullpen, where Garcia and JJ were waiting. He moved closer to the window and opened the blinds, watching Emily and the others through the window. Hotch felt a lump grow in his throat as Emily looked up at him, smiling sadly, before she started out of the unit with the others. When she disappeared into the elevator, Hotch let out the breath he'd been holding and he made his way to his desk chair, dropping into it and resting his head in his hands.