Casey turns down the street leading to Alex and Olivia's house and quickens her pace. She knows Alex and Olivia will likely be upset with her but she is still in a hurry to get home. She has so much to tell them.
It had taken her longer than expected. She had gone through a not so safe area where she had to squat in abandoned houses every night.
She ran into one group she thought she could trust and linked up with them for a couple days, only to have them steal her backpack full of supplies when she was sleeping and disappear.
They took everything she had in her backpack; all her food, her clothes, her flashlight. But thankfully not her gun, which she guarded very closely when she slept.
While she was with them, she got a lot of information. The father had worked for the city government, and he had told her that there are safe cities north where people are still living with electricity and limited businesses. They are getting small amounts of supplies, and letting limited amount of people in. They guard the borders they have set up and if you do not have a "ticket" you don't get in.
Casey wonders what this world has come to. Guarding made up borders against people who just want to survive? It's disgusting.
They told her what she and Olivia had already suspected. The city was being overrun with people who call themselves The Modern Militia; who are entering homes and taking whatever they desire. They are taking over homes, shooting first and asking questions later.
When she was told they usually leave women alive so they can take them it had scared her to the core. They are being traded for amenities, for money, for pleasure and for supplies.
Casey was grateful for the group she had come upon; until they had robbed her. She had discovered then to her dismay that no one could be trusted.
Some of the houses she went into outside the city had a fair amount of food left, things they could use. She couldn't carry it all with her but if they went out two a time, they could manage it.
She considered asking Olivia to take the car to gather supplies, but she had seen firsthand what happens to people who have cars. Vehicles with gas are so highly sought after that people are being shot for them.
In five days, she had seen the worst of humanity and come to realize that most people could not be trusted. It was a disheartening trip.
She sees a few people out walking on the street further down the block, but they pay her no attention as she walks by them. They likely have their own set of problems.
As she nears the house, something nags at her insides telling her something is not right. She sees deep grooves in the dead grass on the terrace which looks like tire spin outs and she is immediately on alert.
She very slowly draws her gun out as she sees the front window broken. Her heart immediately falls to her feet.
No. Oh God, please no..
She closes her eyes as she unlocks the front door, not sure what kind of scene she is going to walk into.
When she opens her eyes, everything appears normal. There is a blanket on the couch, shoes kicked off alongside, a bottle of water and a bowl on the coffee table. One of Alex's books.
The air is completely still. There is no noise, and somehow the silence is scarier than anything she could hear.
She clears her throat. "Olivia? Alex? Noah?"
Dead silence.
Maybe they got out. Or maybe nothing happened and the window breaking was an accident, she tries to reassure herself.
She glances down the hallway. All the bedroom doors are open, but nothing is immediately alarming in the hallway.
The first room she comes to is the guestroom where she has been staying. She goes inside and sees the drawers pulled open, some clothes strewn about the floor. The closet door is open and only a couple hoodies are left hanging.
Alex and Olivia's room is in the same state, though much messier. Much more is tossed about, the jewelry cabinet ransacked as well the thick quilt stripped from the bed.
Noah's room is left pretty much intact. The drawers are all open but not much appears to be taken. Casey figures whoever was here had no use for children's toys or clothing.
She keeps a hold of her gun as she goes back into the hallway. She has to check the pantry and the cupboards to see what they are left with.
But when she gets to the kitchen, she stops dead in her tracks and starts to shake.
There's a man laying dead on the kitchen floor.
It's not the first time she's seen a dead body. She's seen one too many in her line of work. But somehow, this one is more insidious than the others she has seen.
He doesn't belong here. He never belonged here.
Despite her intense terror, she feels proud of whoever put that bullet in his forehead.
She lets out her breath and steps around him, avoiding the puddle of blood on the floor.
And then she sees it. The worst sight she's even seen in her life. One that will stay with her forever, burned into her mind's eye.
She's seen photos of dead children. It always broke her heart, made her feel sick inside. Made her feel hatred towards whomever or whatever took their lives.
But seeing a child dead in person – one she cared for and came to love – broke her entirely.
"Oh my god, oh my god…" she repeats over and over, tears stinging her eyes.
There is no way this can be real. It just can't be.
She feels nausea rise up inside her and she rushes to the sink to get sick when she sees her sitting curled up in the fetal position against the stove – Alex.
She quickly empties her stomach of what little food it had and bile into the sink, and then she rushes to Alex, trying to keep the tears at bay and her trembling to a minimum.
"Alex. Alex." Casey kneels down next to her, and Alex doesn't move until she gets close. As soon as Casey touches her, she flinches away and tries to shrink further back into the stove.
"It's okay. It's Casey," Casey says softly. "Alex. Alex, please look at me."
Alex buries her face deeper into her arms. "Get away from me!" she screams. Even though it's muffled by her arms, it's still loud and deliberate.
Casey falls back against the cabinets, putting her hands in her hair in sheer desperation and grief. She cries, against all her efforts not to. Her eyes drift toward Noah's body again, to the dried blood around him and his innocent pale face.
Her heart can't take it. She screams out loud and gets back up, kicking the cabinet doors so hard that one falls off the hinges. Intermixed with her sadness is a hatred and a feeling of vengeance towards whoever did this.
Where is Olivia? Is she going to find her body somewhere in this house too?
She looks over at Alex, who is now shaking in tears and rocking herself back and forth. Casey's tantrum didn't help, and she grips the countertop, taking several deep breaths and forcing herself to calm down.
Once she has calmed to an acceptable level, she crouches down to Alex once again. This time she doesn't touch her, and she uses her softest voice possible. "Alex – where is Olivia?"
Alex shakes her head and refuses to speak or even look at Casey. Casey knows this is hard as hell, but she has to know. She has to know when this happened, where Olivia is. They may still be in danger and there may not be much time.
"Alex," Casey tries again. "I need you to tell me where Olivia is. Please."
It takes several long moments for Casey to get Alex to talk to her. She resorts to sitting down on the floor right in front of her, talking to her gently like she would a child. Eventually, Alex looks up at her.
Her blue eyes are the saddest Casey has ever seen and it breaks her heart. The front of her shirt is covered in blood that Casey knows isn't her own. She appears to be unharmed – physically, anyway.
Casey forces herself to smile and she gently touches Alex's arm. "Where is Olivia, honey? Can you tell me? Can you tell me what happened?"
Alex appears to be in a daze. She looks at Casey, as if deciding if she's real there or not. And then she says – surprisingly calmly – "I don't know. They took her."
"Who took her? Who was it?" Casey asks, trying to keep the questions to a minimum.
Alex shakes her head again. "I – I don't know. I heard voices. Men's voices. Olivia put us in the closet. I – " She starts to shake again, tears once again overtaking her. "I was supposed to protect him…"
Casey closes her eyes and looks down, and at that moment, she makes a fatal mistake.
Alex sees the gun on the floor next to Casey. She pulls herself up right and reaches for it. Casey sees what she is doing too late, and by the time she reacts, Alex has the gun in her hands.
She feels empty and lost and has no reason to go on. Her son is dead and her wife has been taken. What is there to live for?
Realization hits Casey and she tries to grab the gun away from Alex. "No! Alex, no!"
Alex holds onto it tightly, a fresh set of hot tears rolling down her cheeks. Casey is practically on top of her trying to wrestle the gun away, but Alex is surprisingly strong.
"Noah is dead. Olivia is gone. I don't want to live this way!" she cries, getting the upper hand for a moment and pushing Casey off her.
Casey is stronger but Alex is more desperate, and sometimes desperation wins. Casey tries to grab her again, but Alex kicks her, and once she has the upper hand she puts the gun to her head, crying so hard she's shaking.
"No!" Casey tells again. She distinctively remembers taking the safety off. "Alex, please. Please, please, please, don't do this! Stop!" She doesn't think her voice has ever sounded so high pitched or pleading. She is almost in a full on panic, tears stinging at her eyes.
She can tell by the desolate look in Alex's eyes that she is serious and knows she has to execute the next few moments very carefully.
Alex shakes her head and puts her finger on the trigger. Olivia's voice plays over in her head: Be mindful of the trigger. Always be mindful of the trigger.
"Think of Olivia!" Casey rushes out. "She needs you Alex! More than ever."
She wants to just lunge at Alex and overpower her but knows can't risk it. Not with her finger on the trigger.
Alex must give it up willingly.
"Olivia is gone," Alex says. Her voice is so sad that it breaks Casey's heart all over again.
"We're going to find her, Alex. I promise we are going to find her. And when we do, she is going to need you," Casey tries to reason. Her entire body is shaking, and she feels incredibly useless.
She hasn't pulled the trigger yet. That means subconsciously she doesn't want to. I can talk her down from this.
Casey's eyes go to her shaking finger on the trigger. Once small flinch and she could pull it. "Listen to me. Please listen to me."
Alex doesn't answer but she also doesn't try to resist. Her eyes remain locked on the floor.
"Nothing is worth this. Nothing is so bad that you have to do this." Casey swallows, getting choked up. "I know it feels impossible to go on. I know you are hurting in an indescribable way. Nothing I can say is going to make you feel better - nothing."
"You have no idea how I feel right now!" Alex screams, her entire body wracked with tears. "This is my fault! I didn't protect him!"
Casey knows how she feels; because she feels the same. Guilt for leaving them.
"It's not your fault, Alex. It's not your fault. Noah loved you."
She takes a deep breath and inches towards Alex slowly. Alex notices but again doesn't react.
"But Olivia is out there. She's scared, she's in mourning and she needs you. I will get you to her - I promise."
"I'm too sad," Alex says, and it's the absolute worst thing Casey has ever heard. No combination of words has ever hurt her as much as those ones do.
She finds herself crying again. "I'm so, so, sorry. So sorry. So fucking sorry I left you and this happened."
The guilt that Casey feels at this moment is immense. If she had been there, things would have been much different, She was sure of it.
She gauges Alex's body language and notices her finger is relaxing away from the trigger. She lets out her breath and slowly reaches out and touches her arm again. "Alex. I can't tell you how sorry I am. You're my friend and I care about you. I love you, and Olivia, and Noah. I don't want you to do this, okay? I want you to fight through that awful sadness you feel right now and think about Olivia. I will get you to her. I have never meant anything more than those words."
Alex finally raises her head and looks Casey in the eyes. She can see the sincerity of those words in her sad brown eyes. She can see how much she's hurting too, how much she wants to help her.
"Give me the gun. Okay? Give it to me. Give it to me and we will get through this." Casey's voice is low and soft, as if she's talking to a child. Alex starts to cry again. "I know. I'm sorry. But give me the gun, please/ I don't want you to do this."
Alex sucks in a breath and - very slowly - lowers the gun. With a very shaking hand she holds it out to Casey, and she grabs it immediately.
Casey is crying now as her heart rate starts to lower. She had been so scared that Alex was going to pull that trigger. She can't remember the last time she was that scared.
Alex falls back against the stove, as if not believing what happened. Her legs are straight out in front of her and she leans her head back. "Casey?" Alex says, her voice barely audible.
But Casey hears her. "Yeah. I'm here, Alex."
Alex bursts into tears again. "My son is dead. My son is…"
Casey cries even harder and grabs Alex, pulling her close to her and hugging her as tight as she can. Alex gives in and accepts the comfort, sobbing onto Casey's shoulder.
Their collective grief doesn't allow them to be aware of the passage of time. They just sit on that cold floor in the kitchen and cling to each other through their tears.
2.
Alex wakes up in bed. She sits up, her head pounding and her heart still raw with sorrow for Noah.
She doesn't remember coming to bed. She had vaguely been aware of Casey helping her get changed into clean clothes - clothes that didn't have Noah's blood all over the front of them. She remembers standing like a rag doll while Casey dressed her. As she looks down, she realizes she's wearing one of Olivia's sweaters and her heart aches.
Olivia. She can still hear her scream of anguish in her head. She had no doubt seen Noah shot. The sound of despair could have been nothing else.
And wherever she is, she doesn't know if her son is dead or alive and she has to mourn alone.
All because she hid in the closet and allowed the events to transpire.
Where had they taken her?
Alex has no idea how much time has gone by. She feels weak and light headed. She hasn't eaten in possibly days. She sees a pack of unopened pop tarts and a bottle of water on the nightstand next to her.
But she can't eat right now. Her heart is too broken and she's too filled with worry about her wife.
She forces herself to get out of bed. Her dizziness worsens ten fold when she stands up and she takes a few moments to gather herself before she goes out into the dark hallway.
The house is dead silent. Not a sound comes from anywhere. She feels a worry in her heart that she's alone and that idea scares her to the core.
Had Casey left again? Had she ever returned at all, or had Alex imagined her?
She starts walking towards the kitchen when she's gripped with crippling anxiety.
She can't go in there. That's where Noah died. That's where his blood is splattered all over the cabinets and his body probably still lies. That's where the man Olivia had shot also lie dead.
She hears a sound from the kitchen, one she can't quite place. It sounds like a splash of water, and then a scraping sound.
It takes Alex a good five minutes to make her legs carry her into the doorway of the kitchen. She holds her breath and prepares to close her eyes and step around the man's body.
But it isn't there.
There isn't even blood on the floor.
Confused, Alex steps fully into the kitchen. And she sees Casey sitting on the floor in front of the sink cabinets, her hands in dish gloves, scrubbing at them. A bucket of water sits next to her.
Casey senses someone behind her and turns around. When she sees Alex she stands immediately. "Hey. You're awake."
Alex is looking past her to where Noah had been. His body is also gone, and the blood is gone from the cabinets.
Had it all been a nightmare? Maybe Noah is in his bedroom and everything is normal.
Casey can read the confusion on Alex's face and steps up to her, taking the gloves off. "I was just cleaning up. I didn't think you needed to see…all that."
Alex starts to process what is happening. Casey had cleaned the blood from the kitchen. It must have taken her hours.
"Was it real?" Alex asks, her voice so small and broken that she doesn't recognize it as her own.
Casey looks at the floor sadly. "I'm sorry, Alex. But yes."
Alex feels her heart lurch and her eyes start to well up with tears again. How can she have any left?
"Where - where is Noah?" she asks.
"In the garage. I started to dig a hole last night but had to take a break. I'll get back at it. He deserves a nice burial."
Alex has no idea what to say. He deserves a nice burial? He deserves a funeral and a memorial service. He doesn't deserve to be buried in the backyard.
He deserves to still be alive.
Alex swallows. She feels nausea. "How long has it been?"
"Two days since I've been back ," Casey tells her. She meets her eyes, her expression serious. "Do you remember me finding you in the kitchen?"
Alex shakes her head. She remembers nothing but sorrow and then waking up in bed.
Casey nods. She thinks it's best she doesn't remember what she almost did, not at this time anyway.
Alex still looks kind of dazed. She looks around the kitchen, as if deciding if this is all real. When she looks back at Casey it's with a sad expression.
"You left."
It wasn't a question. It wasn't even an accusation. It was a statement, an observation.
Casey looks pained at those words. How she wishes she would have waited to leave. She would have been here. She could have helped Olivia fight the men off. Maybe Noah would still be alive.
She will always blame herself.
But she can't breakdown down. Alex needs her to be strong for both of them. So she just nods. "I'm sorry."
Alex looks away, out the window above the sink. "We thought you weren't coming back."
Casey can feel the invisible knife in her gut twisting, hallowing her out inside. "I'm so sorry, Alex. I had to lay low for a couple days. I met up with this group who were going north and they gave me a lot of information. I'll share it with you when you're feeling better."
"I'll never be feeling better," Alex tells her. "My son is dead and Olivia is gone."
Casey cringes. She softly starts to cry; she can't help herself. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help." She reaches across the table and touches Alex's arm and Alex flinches away, not wanting to be touched. "I can't even begin to express how sorry I am."
Alex feels her tears starting to come back. She doesn't want to cry anymore. She's cried herself out the past few days. "I don't want to talk about this right now," she says, again her voice quiet and meek.
Casey pulls herself together. She clears her throat and wipes her eyes, nodding in understanding. Alex sits at the table and Casey sits across from her.
She's very grateful that Casey cleaned up the kitchen, but she doesn't say so. She can't.
Casey knows this is the worst possible time to bring this up, but they have precious little time and she knows it. Every minute they stay in the house they are in danger.
"We can't stay here. Those men will be back. We have to go. We have to go find Olivia."
Alex pulls her knees to her chest and lays her head on them, burying it so she doesn't have to look at Casey. "I'm not going anywhere. Let them come back. I lost everything. I don't care what they do to me."
"I'm not leaving you here," Casey says, her voice serious. "I promised to get you back to Olivia and I will. We will find her."
Alex rolls her head to the side so she's looking at Casey. She nearly scoffs. "How? We have no idea where she is. We have nothing to take with us. We will die."
Casey hates seeing Alex look so small and defeated. She's used to seeing her dominate the courtroom, walking everywhere with an air of confidence and fearing nothing. She was cocky, defiant and so good at what she did.
Casey hates the moon for taking that away from her friend.
"We have enough. There are places outside the city that haven't been fully looted. Some people are willing to help. We just cannot stay here. Groups like those men are taking over everything. They are taking women and treating them like currency."
As soon as she says it Casey wishes she hadn't. Alex's face transforms into a look of horror. Olivia was taken. Is that happening to her?
As if reading her thoughts, Casey says, "We don't know that's what happened to Olivia."
"Do you know where?" Alex asks, a bit of hope in her voice.
"No. The group I talked to didn't know where they are being held. But we will find her."
"Did they take everything?" she asks hesitantly, looking around the kitchen.
"Not everything. A good amount of food from the pantry. A lot of clothes. But not everything, which is why I know they will be back. We have to take care of Noah and then get out of here."
Alex doesn't want to leave. This is the home she shared with Olivia and Noah. No one has the right to take that from her.
"I don't want to leave. You can take what you need and go without me. Olivia might be able to escape and come back."
Casey won't have any of that. "No. You're coming with me. I won't leave you behind. It's not open for debate."
"You already left once. What's the difference?"
Casey takes a deep breath. She knows deep inside that Alex probably blames her just as much as she blames herself.
It is her fault. And she has to find Olivia, reunite her and Alex so they can be together. No one will stop her. She will do whatever it takes.
"You love Olivia. And Olivia loves you. You have to hold onto hope because of that love. I loved someone once. So I know," she says, trying to convey sincerity.
Alex shakes her head. "It doesn't even matter."
"Yes it does. Love is all that matters. And you and I are going to pack bags with what we need, and we are going to go find Olivia so you guys can be together. I promise that I won't stop until we find her. She needs you. You need her. So we're doing this."
Alex sits back in the chair and doesn't respond. She doesn't agree, but she also doesn't argue, and Casey takes that as a win. She gets up from the chair. "I'm going to go finish digging. Please eat something before we go. Please."
Again Alex doesn't respond but when Casey gets to the kitchen door she stands up and starts to follow her.
Casey turns around, a confused expression on her face.
Surprisingly, Alex says, "I'll help you dig."
3.
Alex is no help digging. She is too weak from exhaustion and not eating to make any difference, and Casey doubts she ever did this kind of physical work in her life.
Even so, Casey is kind and patient with her. She appreciates the effort she gives, and when it's apparent that she couldn't go on, Casey makes her sit in the grass.
Alex pulls herself into a ball and just watches Casey, saying nothing.
Casey decides to give her a job. "Can you be lookout? Just watch for anyone coming and let me know, okay?"
Alex just nods. Casey knows she isn't up for doing anything but at least it would make her feel like she had purpose. Which was always important to Alex.
Casey dug until her back and shoulders ache and her hands are blistered and bleeding. She wanted the hole to be deep enough and wide enough. She thinks it's finally there
and stands up, trying to sooth the pain in her back.
Suddenly, Alex stands up. She nervously pulls down her sweater and clears her throat. "Casey."
The tone in her voice causes Casey to immediately be on alert. She climbs out of the hole, keeping a hold on the shovel and making sure her gun is secured in her belt.
She sees a man walking towards them. He walks slowly and casually, not someone on a mission but someone just walking. Or at least it would seem.
As he gets closer, Casey goes and stands next to Alex and tells her to just stay calm and not say anything.
He has a baseball cap on and is wearing jeans and a black jacket. He stops just outside the property line of the backyard and looks at them.
"Do you ladies need some help?"
"No," Casey says quickly. "We are fine. Thank you, though."
Given normal circumstances Casey would think he was just someone passing through who wanted to help. It was possible even now that was what he was.
But she had seen the worst of people and afford to trust anyone.
He stands there looking at them for a moment too long. Casey is getting nervous, her heat beating in her chest. She clutches the shovel tightly.
"Did someone die?" he asks, a little too interested.
Casey says the first thing that comes to her mind. "Our dog. We are fine here."
He looks at them oddly and then nods, seeming to accept that answer. He cuts through the backyard towards the woods and keeps walking, looking back every few minutes.
Casey doesn't like the way he is looking back.
"We need to get out of here as soon as possible," Casey says to Alex, her voice serious.
"We can't leave Noah -""
"We won't. We're going to bury him. But then we need to leave."
Alex stands there staring like she has absolutely no idea what to do next. She starts to shiver and hugs herself. It has nothing to do with the falling temperatures and everything to do with the fear she suddenly feels again.
"Olivia is being hurt. I want to know what they are doing to her," she says. "What are they doing to her, Casey?"
Casey shakes her head. "I don't know exactly."
"You seem to have all the answers so tell me." She looks her in the eyes and doesn't waver. "Tell me, Casey! Tell me what is happening to my wife!"
Casey can tell Alex is about to breakdown again. That's what grief does. It comes in waves, ebbs always at the surface. All it takes is one little thing to make it dominant again.
Alex covers her face with her hands and sits back down, pressing her back against a nearby tree. She's not crying but she's close to it, drawing her knees close to her again and breathing very quickly and harshly.
Casey drops the shovel and sits down beside her. Her heart goes out to the blonde, but they can't afford to do this again. They simply don't have the time to waste.
Casey wishes she could say something profound, but instead she touches Alex's knee and says, "I'm going to go get Noah."
Casey is surprised to see Alex standing when she carries Noah's small body out of the garage. He is wrapped in a blanket and heavier than Casey expects but there's no way she is going to ask Alex to help her put him the hole.
Alex starts crying again when she sees him, and asks Casey to lay him on the ground so she can say goodbye properly. Casey nods and takes a few steps away so she can have privacy.
Alex doesn't unwrap him. She can't bear to. She's already looked into his lifeless eyes and her soul can't take it again. So instead she drops to her knees beside his tightly wrapped body and touches what she knows is his face.
"Noah," she sobs, tears dripping off her cheeks and saturating the blanket. "I am so sorry, baby. I love you so much. Me and your mother treasured you. You were a gem in our otherwise empty world. You lit up every room you entered." She pauses to wipe her eyes, and then continues. "Life won't be the same without you, son. I will miss you everyday. I will wake up wanting to see your smile and go to sleep crying because I can't. And I will never, ever forgive myself for letting this happen to you. I didn't protect you, sweetheart, and I should have."
Casey is crying again listening to Alex. It really is heartbreaking. She will miss Noah too. He was a fantastic kid. He was funny and compassionate, and Casey had come to enjoy taking him fishing and playing games with him. They would talk about baseball and Marvel movies. He had even started to call her Aunt Casey.
Alex kisses Noah through the blanket and lies overtop of him, embracing his body. She stays that way for several minutes before getting up.
She covers her face with her hands but manages to tell Casey she is ready. As ready as she could be, anyway.
Casey picks him up again and carefully lowers him into the hole. She's thankful his body fits so she doesn't have to bend him. Once he is in, she says a silent prayer and starts to cover the hole.
So…was it sad? I re-wrote this several times before it sounded right to me. What do you think? Will Casey actually get Alex to leave? And yes, Alex will remember turning the gun on herself eventually.