AN: I have not read the novel nor watched the movie in nearly twenty years (pretty sure I was obsessed with the novel and film, Scarlett for a few years, but now that I am older I don't know about that). I opened my email related to FFN and saw a favorite author from years ago and I went down a rabbit hole reading fics. I struggled to find many that felt like Scarlett to me or it wasn't the path I envisioned for the characters. I couldn't find the story I wanted, so I made an attempt at writing it. I gave scrolled through the novel, a bit, but not enough because I needed to purge this from my mind and put it to paper.
So sadly the tone, the dialogue will not be up to par with a lot of the truly amazing fics on this site. Hopefully one or two of you enjoy it.
Slow to Grow
Scarlett looked out the window of her room at Tara expecting to see raindrops falling, she could almost hear them just as she heard them the night she lost Melly. Not coming heavy from the sky, but trapped on the eaves or a window frame. Instead the night was clear, it was hauntingly familiar. The same landscape she had looked out upon in her youth, the same landscape she dreamed of after she left. It had been early to retire to her room, but they had all been exhausted after nights with little sleep. It gave her a few moments to see the familiar sight before it was transformed into total darkness.
It was here, it was tangible, but it remained a dream. It had always been a dream since the war started. A dream she couldn't make a reality after its end, if it ever truly ended.
She had been able to hide here, to pretend. A time before the war, before all those brave and foolish boys died, before her Mother, before she lost her Pa long before they lost his body, before the baby, before Bonnie, before Melly and now before Mammy.
She saw it now for what it was. A place where she was loved and accepted. A place she felt safe. The soldiers hadn't been able to take that away, but losing Mammy…Scarlett was sure she would never find that peace and acceptance here again.
There was a short knock, but Scarlett did not bother looking away from the scene as it was nearly gone, she spoke, "Come in." It was sliding out of her fingers with every moment that passed since Mammy had left her. She was sure by the time the sun rose that it would be gone completely. All that would remain were memories.
"Scarlett," Rhett spoke in hushed tones as he closed the door, "if this is another one of your ploys-"
Her lips twitched up in a smile, she had made a right fool of herself chasing her husband in the year and a half since he left. Childish dreams of someone to love and protect her. Maybe she would have fallen out of love with him if he had returned even a glimmer of affection, but maybe not.
She saw Rhett as he saw her, he did not shimmer brightly, he was tarnished. He hadn't pursued her wholeheartedly as he claimed, he had been downright cruel at times. Of course, she would have missed it even if he had. Melly had been strong and good and Scarlett had been oblivious until the end. Melly loved her as her mammy had, as her mother had. Their love had been unending, much as Scarlett imagined her love for Rhett would be. "You promised to keep down the gossip, no one has seen you for four months-" nearly the entirety of spring had passed without word from him.
"I am no longer your husband in a true sense of the word, I do not need to explain my-"
Scarlett's hand lifted to stop her spouse, "I am not looking for answers, I will not hear the end of it if you sleep in another room."
"All of Atlanta knows we sleep in separate bedrooms," Rhett said as he began to remove his shoes.
"The old biddies of Atlanta have nothing on Sue-Ellen."
"Don't think I'll play the role of gentleman and offer to take the floor, I am too old for-"
"Rhett Butler, the last thing you are is old," Scarlett finally turned and with a true smile, "I saw you with the children earlier." Rhett only came to life when he was near the children and he had not disappointed today with Ella, Wade and Beau hanging off of him as they played in the yard, eager to see him after so long.
"Much older than your thirty-"
"Rhett Butler," she enjoyed this game, enjoyed this rapport, it felt as if she slipped into their old life, which when she thought about it wasn't exactly something she should miss, but she did. Perhaps she longed for it because at any given moment she could have changed where the story ended up, but she hadn't. "It is not polite to bring up a woman's age."
"Polite is not something I oft hear attributed to either of us."
"Speak for yourself," Scarlett smirked, "I am Ellen O'Hara's daughter, Mother would turn over in her grave."
"You give a good illusion of it often enough."
"The majority of this world is just an illusion," Scarlett turned back to the window as Rhett continued to change for bed. She had learned how poorly throwing herself at him had turned out. She would not awaken Sue-Ellen and the children with Rhett's reaction. She took a leap though because she missed him so, missed the friend that had been by her side for so much. She needed to steal some of his strength since he would no longer freely give it and the landscape was nearly black, soon its safety would be gone entirely. "It is odd to be alone in a world so full of people."
"You're hardly alone Scarlett, the house-"
"Mammy truly loved me, she kept me safe, hidden away. No matter how willful or ugly I was…Mammy loved me."
"That she did," Rhett softly agreed.
"And now I'm all alone-"
"Scarlett, I warned you about ploys, I will not-"
"You didn't love me like Mammy or Melly. Is it really love if it runs out?" She didn't turn back to look at him, perhaps she was scared to find out it hadn't been real, but maybe she was more scared to find out it was.
"You have two children asleep down that hall-" Rhett found himself growing annoyed with himself for wanting to rescue her, for engaging in the conversation with her, how dare she question if his love her had been real.
"Two children that have never really been mine, not in the way they should be for a mother. Two more burdens for me to carry. Maybe if they had been born later-" This time she did turn back with a smile, "I just remembered, I make everything a struggle, a fight. Would there have ever been a good time?"
"They are good children," Rhett pointed out.
"Because they didn't have me as a mother or because they did?" She had been absent for so much of it, she tried more now, but it was hard, all it did was constantly remind her of her failures.
"I suppose both," Rhett conceded. "You at least kept them alive."
"Two out of four, hardly a good return. I would not have taken those odds if someone had told me at seventeen."
"You had a run of good luck selecting grooms who didn't live longer than a year, terribly disappointed I broke your streak, Mrs. Butler." He was in fact, his beloved Bonnie would still be here if he had not been present in her life.
"Rhett don't," she was so terribly tired. "I have apologized-"
"Your youngest children would be alive if not for me."
"I wanted to make you hurt and instead I killed my baby. I didn't even think about him, I thought I loved him so much, but I didn't even think about him, I just needed to make you pay," her eyes closed and her hand found her stomach, still expecting to find him over two years later. Just as she expected to see Bonnie around every corner of the Peachtree house.
"Bonnie-" Rhett was unsure of how to begin or even why he was beginning.
"I was a child Rhett, you were right. I was jealous of my own child. Jealous of how you loved her, how she loved you. I just let you have her. I let her dictate her life. Why? Probably so I could be right, I could be the good parent, after all my children were well behaved, the children that I was an awful mother to…" Scarlett closed her eyes, "That child was all me, some children are just good like Wade and Ella, Carreen. I had my mother and mammy, my father could adore and spoil me…I should have stopped Bonnie a dozen times, but your voice was always there." Scarlett didn't look back at Rhett, but her eyes opened again to look out at the barely visible landscape. "I'm sorry that I…Maybe it was better that she didn't get to experience this world as a headstrong woman. Maybe it is better that she didn't get to have it all and have it taken away as she grew into a woman. Always have to fight. I don't think I would have liked her having to fight to be heard, to be mocked, ridiculed, always struggle to fit in."
"She would have been as strong as her mother."
Scarlett brushed away the tear that fell as she closed her eyes, "I was never strong, Melly and Mammy were strong. I just kept going because I had to."
"You still have two children that require you to keep going."
Her lips raised up in a soft smile, "Three," she corrected him, four, she thought to herself if she counted Ashley, which she did, but she couldn't tell Rhett that. She would have left Wade and Ella at Tara if she hadn't made that promise to Melly.
"Beau should be Ashley's responsibility."
"Ashley is weak," Scarlett shrugged her shoulders and turned to see Rhett in bed, oh how she longed to curl against his body and forget this day, let him shoulder it.
"How different our lives could have been if hadn't taken you over a decade to realize that."
"I was a child," Scarlett said without an excess of emotion as she removed her dressing gown to slide into bed with her husband. "I was only twenty eight years old, not terribly old. He was a dream of home, of how my life should have been. I wanted that life ever so much. I still ache knowing it will never be."
"You could still have Ashley, be that darling couple wanted at all the parties," Rhett felt the familiar twist of jealousy that refused to stay buried.
"Ashley isn't home, you aren't home, Tara isn't home. Home was lost the day the boys rode off, I was just too foolish to see it. Now that Mammy is gone, the final veil has been lifted as they say."
"And what exactly is it you see Scarlett?"
"That I am alone, the love and comfort that I expected to feel again, it's not going to come."
"You aren't going to ask me to hold you, are you?"
"No Rhett, I imagine that would make me feel even more alone and I don't think I could survive it."
-o-o-o-o-o-
Atlanta
-o-o-o-o-o-
"Uncle Rhett!" The children called out and leapt to their feet as they had been awaiting him in the grand foyer. He had taken to telegraphing Scarlett with his planned arrivals after he had spent a day retrieving them from Tara when they hadn't been in Atlanta. He could have sent word to them there that he was in Atlanta, but it had left more of an impact on the Old Guard that he had gone to seek them out. They had arrived home like a happy family and for a few moments maybe they had been one. Scarlett always had moments, the chink in her armor that had fooled him for years.
The children had grown more attached to him since Bonnie's passing, he wondered if he had inflicted as much damage upon them as Scarlett by how he had doted on Bonnie and had often left them to their mother's disinterest. He had been Ella's only father for most of her life and nearly half of Wade's. He should have tried harder with them, Scarlett be damned.
"Did you hear Uncle Rhett?" Ella said with arms clasped around his neck as he carried her, "Mother is going to take us to Europe."
"We're going to have a Grand Adventure!" Wade smiled up.
"Mother says you're too busy to go, but you're always away, can't you be away with us?" Ella chimed.
Rhett smiled at the girl, getting more outgoing as the years passed, learning to charm just as her mother had.
"Children," Scarlett said walking towards them, "please let your uncle get settled before you bombard him with questions. I believe you were working on your itineraries for Paris."
"I think London sounds much more exciting-" Wade interrupted.
"One task at a time. We will see Paris, London and Dublin. Paris first so Mother can wear the latest fashion," she smiled at them.
They smiled back, Rhett had noticed them doing that more, smiling at their mother with ease, no fear lingering behind their eyes.
"Off with you, let me greet Uncle Rhett."
"Yes, Mother," the children called out in unison and headed towards the nursey.
"Welcome home dear," Scarlett said offering her cheek to her husband.
"What new ploy is this?" Rhett whispered into her ear, grasping her wrist tightly, making it clear yet again, he would no longer fall for her manipulations.
"I believe the ploy would have been falling into trouble in Europe and needing you to come and rescue us," Scarlett responded softly, but harshly as she wrenched her wrist free. She should hate these interactions with Rhett, she really should, but they were all she had left.
"I do believe that I have thought of everything, but I was hoping you could overlook our plans and make sure I did not miss anything. Why muddle along when we have such a seasoned traveler to consult?" Her smile was dazzling, if he were anyone else he would have melted at her feet.
"Of course my dear," the play-acting had grown much better since they had separated before they had been on show for the public, but now it was for the household as well. Their lie, so fragile a breeze could shatter it.
He dismissed the help, closed the doors and poured a drink, "What is this new scheme that you are dragging your children into?"
"I do wish you would refer to them as our children or even your children," she threw a nod in his direction. "Without Melly or Mammy, I'm all those poor children have left."
"That is an awful fate," he poured Scarlett a drink as he finished his first. He had tried not to drink so much, but with Scarlett, he often failed.
"I almost left them at Tara last month."
"You chose to have children-"
"What choice does a woman really have?" Scarlett questioned as she took a sip.
"Considering you stole both of their fathers away from other women," Rhett led the conversation.
"But I did give them you, the scoundrel that cared about social standing to secure them a place in polite society."
"Now why did you almost give your children away?" Rhett took another sip.
"I wasn't going to give them away. Wade adores Will and Sue-Ellen despite everything is more nurturing than I am." Scarlett saw Rhett's mouth open, "Not a word Rhett Butler." Scarlett took another small sip, "Wade could learn how to run a plantation and Ella how to run a household."
Rhett debated speaking but decided to hold his tongue wondering what was going through Scarlett's head.
"I was just going to give them over, my children, to what…the Old Guard's demands. Wade is so much more than a farmer, he and Beau are so inquisitive and thoughtful, nothing like what the boys-" Scarlett paused thinking about all the poor lost boys, who had never become men. "And Ella, now that she isn't too afraid to speak to me is actually quite clever. Why should she be trapped in a house raising children without a second thought, I remembered how Frank forbid me from leaving the house after she was born. How everyone including my own family told me to leave the handling of the store and mill to others or you. How could I force that sentence onto my own child."
"For most, it isn't a sentence," Rhett dryly pointed out.
"And if Ella chooses that life then fine. I tried to keep my son in Georgia and forbid Harvard. I've made it so Wade thinks he needs to stay in Georgia and be a lawyer like Charles, Charles was a foolish little boy, I will not have my son grow up the same."
"And this Grand Tour factors in-" Rhett prompted the conversation back on track.
"My children, OUR children need to see the world. You have been their father for most of their lives. How can I just confine them to this small life without ever at least letting them see the world?"
"Will you take them to the North?" Rhett questioned.
"Don't be foolish Rhett Butler, I will take the children to see the civilized world." She shook her head at her wayward spouse, "Now will you help me plan this trip or will you subject the children that you promised to help raise, to a life like their mother's, obsessed with everything that didn't matter and missing everything of importance until it's over."
"Scarlett if this is another act-"
Scarlett let out a loud sigh and without warning, she hit Rhett firmly in his chest, "You skunk. Do you have any idea how awful this is to have to think about such things and to have to ask YOU of all people for help. The last thing I want to do is muddle this up and leave the children afraid of a world outside of Georgia."
"A please would have sufficed."
"Oh you skunk," she hit him again.
Rhett couldn't help, but smile.
-o-o-o-o-
Rhett tipped the whiskey bottle in the direction of Scarlett's empty glass.
"No thank you."
He paused after filling his glass, his fourth, her first. "Really Scarlett that's not like you."
"It isn't even two Rhett."
"When has that ever stopped you?" He swirled the glass as he took her in. She was exquisite as always, not a hair out of place, the trim waist she was so was so boastful of, the décolleté thankfully covered because it was a day dress, a muted blue dress, not the ornate styles she had once worn. It was hard to be boastful, even for Scarlett, when your child was dead and your husband was gone.
"As a woman of advancing years, one has to make certain sacrifices," Scarlett looked at him without amusement, it was entirely unfair, the life of a woman, he was nearly twenty years he senior and he still looked as dashing as he had the day they met."
"The twenty inch waistline," he recalled the reason he had been expelled from her bed.
"Twenty one, it seems rather unfair I did not get the baby, but got the waistline of a mother of four," Scarlett wished she had agreed to a second drink.
"Apologies," Rhett tilted his glass at her.
Scarlett waved it off, it hadn't bothered her quite so much at the time. She had liked their child making his presence so firmly known. It had been a comfort, a reminder of all the future had to offer.
"I find it perplexing that this is the first time I am hearing about it after the previous inch."
"I can only imagine what cruel remarks you would have made," Scarlett truly regretted not having that second drink. "My children do matter more than my waistline. I was a silly girl," she threw his words back at him, "I got to obsess over silly things."
Rhett poured more of the amber liquid into her glass despite her previous refusal.
"I didn't care with him, not truly. He was the first one I wanted. Makes sense he was the only one I didn't get," she took a sip and avoided her husband's gaze. "That being said I refuse to be one of those plump old biddies," Scarlett put the glass down.
"Even in Paris?"
"Absolutely not," her green eyes looked up at him and sparkled, "I have been taking the children on walks and the staff is not allowed to even mention dessert in my presence."
Rhett chuckled.
-o-o-o-o-o-
"There is a steamer leaving Charleston on the-"
"I was thinking we would leave from Savannah," Scarlett said as Rhett explained the plans to the children the next afternoon as they took a walk to be seen by all the gossip mongers. She certainly didn't want to spend days socializing with all those she had avoided for so many years. Although Rhett was often in Charleston, it would likely help keep the gossip down even more if he were there to see them off.
The thought of having to spend time in Charleston made Scarlett rethink this entire trip and certainly regret consulting Rhett.
"I can hardly leave for four months with what I brought with me," Rhett informed them in casual conversation.
"Uncle Rhett you're going?" Ella said turning in delight, pulling on his hand.
"Mother said you were too busy," Wade said looking skeptically at his stepfather.
"It will be easier to keep you out of trouble there then to get you out of trouble from across an ocean."
"I am certainly capable of taking care of my chil-" green eyes began to glower at him at the suggestion of not being able to handle herself and her children on a small little trip.
"Our children Scarlett, someone needs to make sure they truly take in their visit instead of dashing from one site to the next, with the itinerary you planned, the children will be run ragged by the third day."
"Are we really going to spend four months with you?" Ella again swung his hand and Rhett spied Scarlett out of the corner of his eye, obviously biting back a remark to the young girl about her decorum.
Rhett tried to recall the last time he had spent so much time in the presence of his stepchildren, the period after Bonnie's funeral was a haze, it was unlikely they had achieved much quality time with him. It had to have been when Bonnie was newly born before things had turned so caustic between him and Scarlett, when he was too besotted with his young child to leave her. Granted the time away after that had generally only been a few days here and there, but still the young girl's words held merit. He had not been the fixture he should have been in their lives. "Would you like that my pet?"
"You used to call Mother that," Ella smiled, "you don't anymore."
Oh he did, in biting moments with Scarlett. "Time for the name to pass on," Rhett smiled at his stepdaughter.
"I like it," Ella smiled and held his hand tighter.
-o-o-o-o-o-
"What cruel trick are you playing agreeing to accompany the children and I? Do you really have so little faith in me-" Scarlett said storming into his room later that night.
Rhett was taken aback by the red dressing gown, it was several years old at this point. He could recall numerous heated fights having taken place as she wore the gown.
"Scarlett, you are more than capable of handling yourself in any situation."
"Then why-"
"How would it look if I let you take the children off to Europe on your own?"
"You disappeared with Bonnie for months!"
"Scarlett, I can hardly be an influence on the children's lives if I am not a part of it."
"You're doing this to punish me," the raven waves punctuated her words with their bounce.
The familiar old Scarlett and the new Scarlett, the broken Scarlett were at odds before him. The familiar old Scarlett he wanted to pull into his arms, the draw was still there. The fire within her, could never stay dormant.
The broken older woman, who lived in a world bereft of dreams. Worse, lived in a world were all of her dreams were proven false. He wanted to shake her free from that young woman, seeing her was worse than seeing himself sometimes.
Oh he didn't hate the new Scarlett as much as he hoped he would. The quiet familiarity that often accompanied their talks. She was softer, more thoughtful. There had been nice moments in the years that had passed, moments that had made it all so much worse. The Scarlett that he had fought for, that he knew existed inside of that vapid and headstrong girl. A Scarlett, who could be still and enjoy what they had and not what she didn't. Sometimes he had almost been tempted to stay, to pull her in close once more.
"My dear, you no longer dictate my every action," Rhett found himself pouring a drink.
"You drink too much," Scarlett gave a look of disgust at the glass.
"Only around you," he pointed his glass at the door.
"Ugh!" She flounced, she picked up the skirt of the gown and flung it to the floor, sending the skirt, her sleeves, her collar and hair into a bounce. It reminded him of her old dresses with the large hoops. "You rewrite history Rhett Butler. You've made yourself a martyr, when really how long did those kind words ever last? You tell me I was a silly girl, but you were a grown man, an OLD man."
Rhett found his lips twitching up in a smile, he really should have sent her on her way the moment she entered his room.
"I can take care of my children, I have always taken care of my children and everyone else!"
"You have quite successfully handled every challenge, but I certainly wouldn't want to try to unravel bigamy charges should you find yourself married to a lord if the need arose."
"You skunk, you think I haven't learned getting married solves nothing and only creates more problems. Why do you think I am trying to show Ella that there is a life for her outside of marriage and babies?!"
He was waiting for the thwap of her hands on his chest, perhaps an attempt at a slap on his cheek. His body came alive waiting for her response.
"I will not let you ruin this Rhett," she turned and left.
Rhett found himself being strangely letdown as the door was left open and Scarlett disappeared from his room. Then a smile, seconds later as Scarlett's door slammed.
-o-o-o-o-o-
Charleston
-o-o-o-o-o-
"You don't have to come Rhett," Scarlett spoke softly as they were a day away from departing and three long days into their visit. He had encased them at his mother's house, he kept a set of rooms in a fashionable part of town, but hardly the place one would bring their family.
Scarlett had done her best at keeping her temper and manners in control with his family and hers, but instead of snapping as he had expected and there had been some seemingly minor incidences…They had broken her down further. His family had been charmed by her. Hers relieved that she was starting to be the dutiful wife and had turned over control of the store and mill to others to spend time with her family.
"We have gone over this Scarlett," Rhett wondered why he had placed them in a room together. He had thought it a punishment to her, but now he wondered if he wasn't continuing to punish himself for falling for the brazen girl so many years ago.
"I will give you your divorce when we return," the final piece of her broke off. The final dream she clung to, gone.
"When we return, I will more than happily accept it my dear."
"Rhett, I can't do this anymore with you. I thought-" her head shook, "I'm tired Rhett."
"The children are looking forward to the trip." He was looking forward to the trip.
"You will still care for them after won't you?" She questioned, sitting before him at the vanity a broken woman.
Her youth still plagued him. She wasn't a broken old woman in that moment, but a lost girl he felt the need to rescue, yet another downfall he had with her.
"They are all we have left," he informed her.
She gave a nod and began to brush her hair.
-o-o-o-o-o-
Paris
-o-o-o-o-o-
It was a dance they had to stop. It was a thought he had while they were actually dancing and stayed with him during the carriage ride back to the hotel they had made their home. The days had been a whirlwind once they had arrived in Paris. The trip over long, but with quiet companionship. The trip hadn't been hard, the company enjoyable. Scarlett was very seldomly even bothered by the children and seemed to actually enjoy their company.
Scarlett had gotten just as swept up in the excitement as the children. He had waited for this with her, to be caught up in her thrill over the fashion and the food and the nightlife and just as it had felt on their honeymoon, he was sure she had wanted to be sharing it with him.
"I know this will end," she spoke with a hand on his cheek, he could smell the champagne on her as her lips were so close to his. The children were in an adjoining suite with the nanny they had hired for the trip abroad, who would leave them when they were departed London.
"Our time is coming to an end," he informed her, although he had been sure of that two years ago when he had walked away from their house in Atlanta.
"Let's end it happily Rhett, just for a little while," she was obviously several glasses too many into the night.
"We are divorcing when we return to the States," he reminded her.
"I won't fight it, I don't want to fight anymore. I know I'm a broken old woman, I just want a tiny bit of happiness again even if it isn't real. It's dreadfully sad to never get to love the person you love."
He knew that firsthand, to have perfect moments to only realize afterward she had wished he was another.
"We had good times, just not enough, never long enough. Let's just have this with each other, with the children. I promise I will let you go."
"If I marry again?" Rhett questioned.
"I will claw her eyes out, but you will be a free man to marry her."
The barking laugh that escaped him, startled her, but not as much as his lips upon hers.
-o-o-o-o-o-
The Atlantic Ocean
-o-o-o-o-o-
"I could be your mistress," Scarlett spoke softly in bed, they were midway through their return voyage and Rhett had to admit the thought held a certain amount of appeal. He had thought they were done. He thought he was thoroughly broken and she had exhausted it all within him, but just as she always had, she had found a way back in under his skin.
"Scarlett, you agreed," Rhett found himself conflicted. He knew how this would end, how it always ended, but still that hope that this time it could be different…
"I will sign the papers Rhett. You will never have to live with me again."
"You chose to leave our marriage bed, but you would come to it as my mistress?" He lit a cigar as he watched the beautiful creature that would soon no longer be his.
"It was one angry moment, you loved Bonnie more than you would ever love me and I was fat. You knew I had no interest in being a broodmare. It didn't seem to bother you too much, you were at that Wat- things place in no time. You never even thought to come back."
"Watkins, you know her name and why would I return to a place I was so clearly not wanted."
"You didn't even try, not until you wanted to punish me. Was I someone who didn't want to be there that night?"
That explosive night, it had started with anger, but it had immediately turned to passion. She had not rejected his touch, not in the slightest.
"Scarlett, we agreed to not revisit the past," he drawled.
"You brought it up, I was talking about the future."
"There is no future for us that," he smiled at her and waved his cigar in the air, "ship has sailed."
The fire in her eyes sparked even brighter for a moment and then out of nowhere it extinguished. She hadn't been that broken woman with lost dreams during their trip. She had been a lively wife and mother, a companion that charmed nearly every male they encountered. For a moment he had almost thought he and the children were her dream.
Thoughts?