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...
After Blair leaves and Lilly chooses Bart, the Humphrey men are practically exiled back to Brooklyn. No one says it, but the party invitations stop coming, the loft stops smelling of Chanel No. 5, and their flannel shirts and crumpled balls of paper containing discarded song lyrics and short stories replace the designer fashions that used to be draped over the furniture.
Dan goes to Italy with Georgina and they spend nights upon nights finding any and all dirt they can dig up on Blair and her indiscretions. Georgina is immeasurably valuable, but contrary to what everyone whispers when he walks down the street, she is nothing more than another angry heart, betrayed by the Upper East Side. He doesn't sleep with her; he's had more than enough of that drama.
But that doesn't mean he doesn't go searching for every brunette hiding in dark corners on lonely Italian nights. He wants to forget the hurt, but he doesn't want to forget the sex. If Blair were to wander back into his life right then, he wouldn't want her back, but he would want to fuck her.
When Blair Waldorf said she was perfect, she wasn't just talking about her fashion sense.
He returns home with a well-written novel about an evil queen who sleeps with the peasants in her kingdom, only to banish them as soon as she's gotten what she wants. Alessandra is thrilled; she never liked Dan in a relationship, he was too happy, and everyone knows only tortured souls make good writers. She shops it around, and immediately several publishing houses are clamoring for the rights. The one who finally gets them publishes the book almost immediately and Dan feels as if something may actually be going right in his life for the first time in months.
And then the book crashes and burns. The New York Times calls it "crass" and "childish" and says it's "disappointing gossip mongering from an up-and-coming writer we once thought showed some promise." Another review says, "If we wanted to read thinly veiled allusions to Daniel Humphrey's love life (or lack thereof), we'd just pick up the Post."
He spends what money the book does make on beer, sitting at the loft breaking guitar strings, while he watches Rufus grow a dark beard and drink out of repeatedly used coffee mugs. When a letter shows up at the loft, threatening to shut off their electricity, Dan thinks he'd better do something, even if it means having to swallow his pride.
So, he calls his old boss at the catering company and pleads for his job back. She readily assents, but reminds him that this is a job not an opportunity to get paid while hanging out with his friends.
He wants to tell her that she has nothing to worry about, as he doesn't really have friends anymore, but thinks it better just to keep his personal life as close to the vest as possible. She tells him his first party back is an event sponsored by Eleanor Waldorf, and he instantly regrets asking for the job back, but can't exactly decline now. So, he assents and tries his best not to think about the fact that she could very well be there.
He tries even harder not to think about where she would be if she weren't at the event.
...
He arrives before the party starts and soon gets lost in the flurry of setting up. Once the party starts, the time passes a lot more quickly than he would have guessed. No one seems to recognize him, and if they do, they clearly don't want to be associated with the boy from Brooklyn who attempted to expose their sham with his angry words. He simply focuses on doing his job, lowering the tray and offering the guests more champagne. He only sees Eleanor once and even then, their eyes never meet. He finds a rhythm to his work, and things don't bother him so much after that.
Then, he turns the corner to use the restroom before returning to fill his tray up again when he sees a girl crumpled on the floor. Her legs are outstretched, but her head is bent over, her wild brown hair disguising her face. At first, he thinks the girl might be hurt, so he rushes over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder.
And that's when she whips her head up, startled. They lock eyes and Dan can hardly believe it. This isn't at all how he would have imagined seeing her for the first time after everything. She starts to get up, but she's clearly struggling. Dan was sure if he ever saw her again, he would either curse her out or fuck her until she felt his pain, but instead, he goes into auto-pilot and grabs her arm, "Do you need…?"
"You?" She snaps her head again, this time to give him a cold stare. "No, Humphrey, I don't need you."
He sighs. He doesn't know why he expected her to be any different when she returned. Some stupid part of him was wishing that when she came back, she'd look at him like she did before she left.
Come to think of it, she does look a little like she did once. When they were trapped in an elevator, inhibitions gone and…
"Blair, are you drunk?"
She shrugs, readjusting her dress and wiping her eyes for stray makeup, "I may have had a few cocktails."
He looks closer and sees that her eyes are bloodshot. But before he has a chance to say anything else, he hears a voice behind him.
"Daniel, there you are! Why aren't you serving drinks? There's an entire party of thirsty guests!"
"I…" He's caught between the woman he would've once done anything for, and the job he can't afford to lose. His boss is staring at him expectantly, and he feels his fingers slip from Blair's arm.
"Uh, sorry, I was just on my way to the bathroom, and…"
"Well, no harm done. Just be sure to let someone know next time you're taking a break so they can cover your area."
He nods distractedly, "Right. Sorry." Dan goes to follow his boss back to the kitchen to restock, but allows himself one last look back before exiting the hallway. She is standing, but she's hunched over and he can see her chest heaving from her labored breathing.
He smiles smugly. Serves her right if she ruins her own party.
...
His time in Italy corresponds nicely with Serena's cry-for-attention run away from home, so by the time he's back on the catering circuit, she's back on the Upper East Side where she belongs, still clinging to the arm of the city's most eligible bachelors. Except now, she's turned over a new leaf no one saw coming. She has publicly denounced her family, saying that they are to blame for how out of control her life has gotten. She cuts off all contact with Lily and ignores calls that show up as "Nate", "Chuck", and most devastatingly, "Blair."
Dan doesn't know how he manages to be so lucky, but he's the first one out of all of them to actually talk to her. One night, he's standing on the balcony of the apartment belonging her philanthropist billionaire boyfriend, waiting for the remaining guests to leave so he can begin cleaning up when she comes outside.
She looks refreshingly beautiful, but Dan looks at her and feels absolutely nothing. He knows better than almost anyone what the beauty on the outside is covering up.
"You should talk to her."
He just laughs darkly and shakes his head. Serena sighs impatiently, and Dan is sure she's mentally patting herself on the back for separating herself from her former friends.
"Dan, come on. Just because I've moved on from her, it doesn't mean I still don't care."
Dan hates that Blair still has this effect on him. He's getting angrier by the second because Serena is insulting a girl who doesn't deserve it, even though Dan has every right to believe that she does.
"That girl was your best friend, Serena, and the fact that you can ignore that by saying that you 'moved on' from her is disgusting. What makes you think you even deserve to say two words to me?"
She bristles, realizing this is not the Dan she slept with all those months ago, "I deserve a lot more than you, than all of you. I saw her picture in the paper and she looks…well, less than great. I'm just trying to be a good person here."
"Guess I must have missed where good people sleep with their best friends' boyfriends."
"What happened to you, Dan? I owned up to my mistakes, I said I was sorry."
"Not to me!" he shouts, frustrated, "You told the whole world how foolish you were, but you couldn't bother to call me and say you were sorry? To ask how I was doing after Blair and I…"
"Oh, please, you didn't think that was serious, did you?" She's practically laughing in his face. So, this is why she hadn't apologized: because she didn't think there had really been anything substantial to destroy. But her actions speak a lot louder than her words.
"Clearly not as serious as you thought it was. Did you really want me back or did you just not want her to have me? Because she had me, Serena, whether you want to admit it or not."
She still has me. She'll always have me.
Sometimes he really wishes his brain would just shut the hell up.
Luckily, his boss is inside, motioning him in, so he has an excuse to cut this conversation short. But before he goes, he makes sure she knows that this talk will be their last.
"She wants to see me, she knows where I am. She doesn't need any favors from you. You've done enough."
...
As Dan gets to the top of the steps that night, all he can think about is his nice, warm bed. He has had a long day, and his confrontation with Serena didn't help matters. But when he turns the corner toward the door, he notices it's already open, and Rufus is standing there, waiting for him.
"Dad? What's going on? Is everything okay?"
Rufus has his arms crossed and he looks tired as he speaks, low and stern, "You have a visitor, Dan. I wouldn't have let her in, but…she was pretty bad. I was afraid of what would happen to her if I turned her away."
Dan squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose. He does not want to deal with this tonight. In fact, if he's being honest, he doesn't want to deal with it ever. He takes a deep breath and walks toward his room. When he finally gets there, she's sitting on the edge of the bed, and she looks impatient and angry, like she's been waiting for him all night. He sees the same look in her eyes that he saw not too long ago.
"Why did you write that about me?"
He sighs. Did she really come all the way here to ask him about his book?
"Blair, come on. I'm tired and you're drunk. Again."
"Tell me why, Dan! You owe me that!"
Suddenly, he can feel himself getting angry, and, even though some buried feelings surfaced earlier when he was talking with Serena, he remembers the reason he wrote the book in the first place. He gets close enough so he can feel her breath on his cheek, and the stench of alcohol almost knocks him off his feet.
He takes a moment to compose himself and then hisses, "I don't owe you a goddamn thing."
"'The whole kingdom knows her skills, and they know them from experience. But they never say a word against her because they realize what she gives can oh-so-quickly be changed into what is taken away.'"
Dan is stunned. Not only did she actually read it, but now she's quoting it. Then again, his words have spread though their social circles like wildfire, so he shouldn't be too surprised. Still, he's got some words left for her, ones that no one else will hear. Ones that will hurt.
"Maybe that's why no one bought it. People don't want to read stories they already know."
She stands up to face him, only stumbling slightly and spits out, "You're an asshole."
He mutters low, looking straight into her eyes, "You broke my heart. You don't think I have a right to be?."
He sees her eyes soften although she's still visibly tense, "I didn't want to hurt you."
He sits down on the bed, keeping his gaze on her, "Yeah, well, I can't say the say the same. You wanted me to prove I wasn't as good as you thought I was. Be careful what you wish for."
Her eyes are shimmering now, even though her mouth is still stuck in the same hard line, "I need to go."
Blair came here completely under the influence, ready to scream and yell until there wasn't a single part of Dan that wanted anything to do with her anymore. She isn't used to her plans completely and utterly failing. But when he reaches out to grab her wrist, she knows that's exactly what's happened.
"Please stay. You owe me that."
Dan invites her to stay, not because he wants anything from her, but because he knows no one would be fit to go anywhere by themselves in the state she's in, even if they would be riding in Manhattan's equivalent of a golden chariot.
He's a kind person, it has nothing to do with her. That's what he tells himself.
"I don't love you."
Her glare is cold as ice. One thing he can say about Blair Waldorf: she never gives up. But he's never let her play games with him, not when it comes to the two of them, and he's not about to start now.
"Did you ever?"
She looks sad, but doesn't answer the question. Just curls up into a ball on one side of the bed and stares at the wall. Of course she would claim the bed even after she's done nothing but push him away. He thinks the chivalrous thing to do would be to take a pillow and move to the couch, but he is still so angry that he simply flicks off the light and shuts the door, undressing quickly so he's left in only his boxers before lying down next to her, on his side, facing the opposite wall.
Two lovers who seemingly knew each other so well now transformed into strangers.
Dan thinks this is the book he should have written.
...
When he wakes up in the middle of the night, she isn't in bed, but the door to his bedroom is cracked slightly and her purse is still on his nightstand. He gets up and walks into the living room, where he still doesn't see her. He realizes there's only one place she could be.
After grabbing some sweatpants and a hoodie, he climbs to the roof where he finds her, changed out of her dress and wearing one of his t-shirts and her patterned black tights. It takes everything in him to fight the fact that this is the Blair Waldorf he fell in love with. He has to remind himself that this isn't who she really is, or at the very least, this isn't who she'll allow herself to be.
Her arms are wrapped tightly around herself and Dan can't help but think at how recently he would've walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her to shield her from the cool night breeze. When she speaks, Dan is puzzled because she's not on her phone, but she utters a word that sounds like the end of a conversation.
"Fine."
She turns to face him and the confusion is evident on his face. She scoffs like she can't believe that he can't possibly follow her private train of thought. So she explains.
"That's what he said to me. I texted him, 'Not coming home tonight, something I have to do' and he said, 'Fine.' He would never think I was here. You're such an insignificant part of my life to him."
He can't believe he's hearing this. Of course she would find a way to be absolve herself of hurting him.
"Just to him?"
Her eyes narrow into a glare, "Don't do that."
"Do what? Hold you accountable for skipping out on me?" he yells, far too loud for the early morning, but his frustration takes over, "Yes, he left, Blair. But that didn't mean you had to follow!"
"I'm sorry!" she screams, helpless and just as frustrated, "I didn't say goodbye to you because I was a coward and it's been eating away at me ever since. Is that what you want to hear? I sat at a bar two blocks away and when I had you reduced in my mind to the loser you were when I first met you, I made my way over here. I didn't factor your dad into the picture, and the look on his face when he saw me wasn't exactly one of acceptance, but I wasn't going to leave."
"Because of how pathetic you would've looked when I found out you came all the way out here because I was on your brain?" he responds smugly.
"If you think for one second that what Dan Humphrey thinks of me affects me in any way whatsoever…"
Suddenly, Dan steps closer, placing a hand tentatively on her arm. Blair looks slowly, first at his hand, than into his eyes, and finally over the ledge of the roof to the quiet road down below. He's still staring at her eyes when she whispers, "Sometimes I think I should jump because I know I belong more down there with the dirt and the rocks than I do up with the skyscrapers. And I'd rather jump than give anyone the satisfaction of knocking me down."
Dan pulls away from her as if a pain shoots up his arm, starting at where his hand is connected to her body. He realizes she's only here because to her, he's still just poor Dan Humphrey, riding the subway, living with a sister who, no matter how fashionable they may be, still makes her own clothes. And she's here because this is what she thinks of herself. She can stand tall in her Louboutins, but when she looks in the mirror, she's nothing. And Brooklyn is nothing. Her definition of nothing never changes, and she's not an exception to that rule.
"You left, and you got what you wanted. What else could you possibly want from me?"
She turns back to him with a twisted smile, and it makes Dan uncomfortable although he can't entirely explain why until she opens her mouth.
"I've got a scorched earth policy where the men in my life are concerned, Humphrey. Chuck's already dead inside, and sure, you're good, but you'll crack. They always do. Then, I'll move on."
Nate: the boy who left her for her best friend. Louis: the one who was always two steps ahead because he knew her past was doomed to repeat itself.
At least, that's how Blair sees it.
"Is that why you're here? To break me down?"
Blair saunters over to him, places her hand on his arm this time and flicks her eyes up so they're practically burning a hole right through him. But even though it's late, and she's had some sleep, he can still see the difference in her eyes. So, he reaches up slowly, and removes her hand.
"That's impossible. You're not the girl I fell in love with."
The statement is meant to wound her, but selfishly, it's to make sure she doesn't touch him again. He talks a big game, but she's still there in front of him, all flowing hair and full lips and flushed cheeks and Dan's mind can't help but wander to the only other time she really looks this beautiful. But she knows this, and so she flutters her eyelashes and makes her eyes big and wide, speaking softly.
"Can't you try?"
But he just closes his eyes and shakes his head sadly, "Not tonight."
When Dan goes back downstairs, he grabs a pillow from his bed and moves to the couch. He hears when Blair comes back down, but he doesn't open his eyes to acknowledge her, even when he swears he hears her crying.
...
When Blair wakes up, she quickly makes the bed and washes her face. She shuts the door to Dan's room, careful not to disturb him, and calls for a car. When she opens it again, she notices he's out cold on the couch, so she walks to the loft door, high heels in hand so her footsteps are practically silent. She leaves, but is so careful to watch her step that she almost doesn't notice the blonde woman making her way up the stairs that Blair is about to descend.
They lock eyes for a moment, a furtive glance that says This is just between us, before Blair hurries out of the building and the woman knocks softly on the door to the loft. She waits and after a few moments of unresponsiveness, she knocks again, harder. This time, the door swings open to reveal Dan clearly in the first few moments of alertness. She smiles neatly, but he lets out a short, hard laugh that instantly turns her frown into a grimace.
"Jesus, this day just keeps getting better and better."
"Daniel." Lily addresses him curtly, "Is your father around?"
"You know, I think he's actually out shopping for a new heart. Some evil bitch stomped all over his last one."
Dan's parents taught him manners. They taught him to respect his elders, and never speak out of turn, but he's had enough of being the good boy he was raised to be.
She crosses her arms, "Your father's not as innocent in all this as he would like you to believe."
He is so sick and tired of all the blameless bitches from across the bridge. Nothing is ever their fault because they don't believe they have any power. If Dan has to be the one to break this horrible, frustrating cycle, then so be it. Everyone already hates him anyway.
"Here's what I believe, Lily. You looked at Chuck as your son, even when you were clearly with my dad, and yet, you never, ever made a move to treat me like one of your own. You never accepted me, you never helped me, and you know what? I don't really care. Both he and his horrible father are back now, so why don't you just do me and my dad a favor and let us have our side of the river to ourselves? You never really wanted to be here anyway."
And as he shuts the door in her face, Dan can't help but recognize the rush of empowerment that comes from telling off an Upper East Side woman. He knows that many of his words should've been directed at Blair, but he's glad he at least had the courage to say them to someone.
...
Lily Bass stomps into her elevator, impatiently waiting for it to reach the top floor. She has clearly been rattled by Dan, and a part of her brain is itching with curiosity as to why Blair was in Brooklyn. She thinks getting the dirt on Blair might be exactly the type of distraction she needs to rid her mind of the Humphreys.
When the elevator dings, she walks furiously into the apartment, her heels clacking against the floor. When she gets to the dining room, she gets what she's getting a lot quicker than she anticipated. Blair is sitting at the table, idly flipping through an issue of Vogue, drinking out of a coffee mug.
Lily is tactful, careful to not let her intrigue show, "Blair, what a surprise."
Blair never looks away from the magazine, and hums in response, "We're just always in places we shouldn't be, aren't we?"
"What are you doing here?" Lily asks, sitting down across from Blair, then decides to go for the direct approach, whispering, "And what were you doing there?"
Blair flips a page, "Well, here, I came to have breakfast with Chuck, but he got a phone call he had to take, so I sat down to wait for him. As for there, well, it's really none of your business."
"Are you sleeping with Dan?"
"Ha!" Blair laughs in sheer disbelief, both at the idea that she's sneaking around behind Chuck's back and at the audacity of Lily's question, "If I were trading in a prince for a frog, I'm sure you'd recognize the gesture."
Lily goes to reply, but not before catching a quick look at Blair's coffee. Something looks odd about it, and that's when she realizes that, although it's dark, the liquid looks incredibly thin. So, she reaches for the cup, and Blair slams down the magazine, hissing, "What do you think you're doing?"
And that's when Lily knows. She knows before she can taste it because the smell overwhelms her as soon as it gets close to her face. She knows because she's smelled it on Serena more times than she cares to remember.
"Blair, are you drinking?"
She never comes unprepared. After all, her kindergarten yearbook quote was, "The best defense is a good offense." So, why not put the blame for her actions right back on her accuser?
"Is that a crime around here? If I remember correctly, mimosas used to flow like water around breakfast time in the van der Woodsen household."
"That's different."
"Why? Because you can dress your problem up in a bright sunny package? It's still a cocktail, Lily. Don't make me feel bad for being something you helped create." Suddenly, Blair grabs her bag and coat and begins to head for the door, "When Chuck comes out of his meeting, tell him to call me, please."
Lily hears the elevators doors close, looks down at the mug one last time, and knows what she needs to do.
She has to go back.
...
When he hears the knock at the door later that day, Dan truly thinks about ignoring it, acting like he's not home.
But he can't exactly do that now. Everyone knows he's only working these days, and the only people who come knocking are those who know the New York social circuit like the back of their hands. So, he opens the door and instantly wonders if she's been standing there since he shut the door on her this morning.
"I know you made your opinion on me quite clear earlier, but I'm not here for me. May I come in?"
Dan's polite side takes over for a moment and he opens the door wider to allow space for her to enter. She looks around, contemplating sitting down, but eventually decides to remain standing. Dan closes the door and crosses his arms.
"Look, Lily, I'm not gonna apologize for what I said earlier."
"That's neither here nor there, Daniel. Right now, I need your help."
Dan lets out an incredulous laugh eerily similar to Blair's from earlier, and Lily can't help but wonder how these children, their sweet, perfect angels, became these cynical, angry adults. She supposes people are right when they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
"Look, I already told you, I don't know where my dad is, and even if I did…"
She interrupts him suddenly, "It's Blair. I think she's really in trouble."
Dan can't believe what he's hearing, or more importantly, who he's hearing it from.
"Let me get this straight: you're the mother of her lifelong best friend and her…" the word threatens to choke him on the way out, "boyfriend's stepmother, and I'm the one who can help you?"
Lily sighs, "We all know Serena hasn't been the same since she came back. She's turned her back on practically all of us because she views us as some toxic part of her life that made her this horrible person."
Dan scoffs at the idea of Serena being just another girl finding a way to blame her problems on everyone else, but he also can't help but see her point. She may be attempting to assuage her guilt by placing it on others, but Dan is jealous of the fact that she at least attempts to be escaping.
"And Charles, well…" Lily looks down, not wanting to meet Dan's eyes, like she's ashamed of what she's about to say, "I don't think he's helping matters much."
Dan is fully armed with his "I told you so" smile, and he doesn't care how hurt Lily looks as she fumbles to amend her statement. He's sick of their apologies that are only meant to make themselves feel better.
"He's a very ambitious young man, and he's just being pulled in far too many directions. If he concentrates on the business, his relationship with Blair falters, and if he focuses on her…" When Lily looks back up, her eyes are almost angry. She's about to find a new target for her blame.
"She just requires far too much attention, and if she can't get it from him…"
"Okay, that's enough." Dan interrupts her before she can make him any more furious. He feels his fists clenching and he tries to remain calm, but he can't help how his defenses for Blair always come up, even after all she's done. It's because he knows, as much as she's hurt him, he'll eventually be able to forgive her. He's not sure he'll ever get over the rage he feels over Chuck.
"I don't know how Chuck does this every single time. He makes everyone feel like they owe it to him to protect him, to let him be the way he is, but it's bullshit. I'm not talking to Blair, I'm not talking to him, and I'm not talking to you. They made this bed, they can lie in it."
Lily is taken aback. She knew Dan was angry, but he is being downright nasty. She moves toward the door and opens it, but before she leaves, she says back to Dan, "The worst thing someone can do is leave another person behind."
She thinks she's had the last word, a cheap shot challenging Dan's dignity, but he grabs the door as she's closing it and looks hard into her eyes, making sure she hears every word.
"It's not as bad as telling someone they're not good enough."
Before she can respond, he shuts the door in her face for the second time that day and feels the same rush he felt earlier. But the rush quickly goes away as he realizes there's another closed door in the loft that still needs to be reopened.
He walks across the living room to his closed bedroom door and takes a deep breath before reopening it. She's waiting on the edge of the bed, and when he walks in, she looks up from where her head was resting in her hands.
"That's what they think of me. That's what they all think of me. But what am I telling you for? That's what you think of me too. After all, you wrote the book on it."
In this moment, he is so sorry. Every sentence, every phrase, every word condemning her, he wishes he could take them all back. Because she knows who she is, what she's done. She didn't need him to put the words in every bookstore.
"So I need attention! Doesn't everyone?!"
She's hysterical, shrieking through her tears, and Dan finds himself wanting to hold her, but he's frozen, kneeled down in front of her, just staring at how beautifully tragic she looks. Her eyes are shining and he doesn't know how it's possible for someone so hurt to look so gorgeous. She goes from upset to angry and snaps at him.
"Why are you staring at me like that, Dan?"
He finds his courage, reaching for her hands and attempts to explain himself.
"When we were together, I used to look at you, and sometimes, it hurt so badly because we were so perfect it was like living in a dream. And now I look at you, and it still hurts, but now it's because of what you did. And the worst part is that sometimes I can't tell the difference between the hurt, and I have to remind myself that the reason why I feel this way now isn't because I love you."
More tears are threatening to fall as she turns his words back around on him, "Did you ever?"
The unselfish part of him has to make sure she knows that she can be loved, even if it's not by him, even if it's not now. The selfish part of him is begging to take what he's wanted since all those anonymous Italian brunettes. He decides it's time for both parts of him to have their needs met.
Dan pushes himself up on his knees so that they are at the same height, her on the bed and him on the floor, still holding her hands, and her eyes flash with a mix of fear and anticipation before he kisses her, long and soft and slow. Blair separates their hands and reaches with one of hers to tug on Dan's collar, pulling him up toward the bed. He moves to sit next to her and they shift, but never lose their contact. He reaches to put both of his hands around her waist in an attempt to move her on to his lap when her foot accidentally kicks her discarded purse on the ground. It falls over and out rolls a small bottle of vodka.
He thought they were worlds apart, the two great loves of his life, Blair and Serena. He knows Serena would've done this, sleeping with someone to fill the void, only realizing when it was too late that the actions just made the void wider. He knows Serena would run off and hide the pain with pills, with booze, with whatever took her just close enough to death that she could feel it, but would still allow her to change her mind at the last second.
But he never expected this of Blair: the princess he put up on a pedestal. What a fool he's been.
Her eyes are wide and scared, her hands still on either side of his neck in an attempt to hold him in place, "I can explain."
He laughs, like he can't believe this is happening to him again, "Yeah, I bet you can."
"Dan, please."
He shifts so she's forced off of his lap, "Get out."
She's stunned. She can find a lot of similarities between her relationships with Chuck and Dan, but one major difference is that Dan has never turned her away. Until now. She's back on the bed, staring up at him and he's standing in front of her, avoiding her gaze and holding his hands up in the air, trying to make sense of everything. She tries to bring him back to her.
"I'm sorry, I…"
"Blair, stop. Just stop." He's finally looking at her again, but now she wishes he wasn't. "I have to suffer watching you with him. I can't watch you suffer with this."
Then something dawns on him, "Is that why Lily was here? Were you drinking already this morning?"
She stiffens and reaches to pick up her things from the floor, "Lily's not my mom. She had no right…"
"To care about you?" Dan shouts. "I admit, I'm not her biggest fan, but she knows something's wrong. Why can't you see it?"
"I can! And I know you think Chuck is making me lose control of my life, but you're wrong! I've never felt more in control than I do now! It's my decision to take a drink, and when he thinks I'm just sitting there being the trophy girlfriend he wants, all docile and sweet, I have a secret. I'm never as boring as he thinks. Blair Waldorf is second fiddle to no one, not even the great Chuck Bass."
"This doesn't make you exciting, Blair, it makes you stupid. You don't have to do anything to make yourself the center of attention. You…you're…"
Perfect. That's why I wrote the book about you because…how do you move on from perfection?
That's what he wants to say, but he can't. He's so frustrated that she can't see how she's hurting herself. She picks up her purse and breezes past him, and this time, he's certain he can hear her crying.
But just like last time, he doesn't follow. He never follows because he never thinks she wants him to.
He's never more wrong than in those moments.
...
Weeks later, he's lying on the couch, tossing a ball absentmindedly up in the air. Rufus had left the city to get away and invited Dan to come with him and Jenny on a driving tour of New York. Dan had declined, claiming that he had to work, but selfishly not wanting to see how well Jenny's life was going in comparison to his. His father had looked worried, but told him to have a good weekend and left him 50 dollars for food.
Dan narrowly misses the ball and watches as it falls, smacks the corner of the coffee table, and skids away toward the bathroom when his phone rings. He figures it's just his dad reminding him of something so he doesn't have to time to think twice when he realizes he answered the phone too fast. At least it's not someone he completely hates.
"Hey, man. Listen, I'm sorry I haven't called before this, but I need your help."
He thinks it's ironic that everyone needs his help nowadays, but when they don't, no one actually wants him around. Still, the man on the phone has been a good friend to Dan, so he doesn't hang up just yet.
"I just got a call from Blair and she's way messed up. She was crying and saying something about Chuck and I tried to get her to stay on the line, but she hung up on me and said she was gonna have another shot. She's not at home, and Serena's ignoring my calls as usual, so I was just wondering if you'd seen her."
Nate has always been so loyal to all of his friends, particularly to Blair, and it's obvious why. He's about to answer honestly, instead of in the snarky voice he's adapted for dealing with them the past few months when he hears his phone beep, signaling that he has another call. He doesn't recognize the number, but the area code matches his own, so he tells Nate to hold on and answers.
"Yeah, this is Dan? Listen, I got this girl here, and she's really screwed up. You were the first name I could manage to get out of her, but she ain't gonna make it much longer, and she doesn't seem like the type who could handle being arrested."
"All right, I'll come get her. Where are you guys located?"
The bartender tells Dan where to find her, and then he realizes. It's the bar they visited after the first time they were together, where he decided he loved her so much, he couldn't even wait to get her home.
Now, he can't wait to get her home, but this time feels so much more urgent than before. He thanks the guy and flips back over to Nate.
"I found her. Meet me there? I have a feeling we're going to encounter some resistance."
"Be there in ten, and dude?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. I'm sorry things went down the way they did."
"Me too, Nate. But it's not over yet."
...
They arrive at the bar with almost perfect timing and Dan can hear her from the second they walk inside. She's sitting at the bar and when she notices them, she squeals, "Ah, the cavalry has arrived! I sense a betrayal of my trust here, John." She playfully scolds the bartender, wagging her finger at him.
The bartender hands her phone to Nate, who quickly pays Blair's tab and sighs, "Just get some rest, sweetheart."
The second she tries to get off the barstool, she stumbles, and Dan and Nate both grab one of her arms, almost immediately realizing that her legs aren't going to do any of them any good. They manage to somewhat drag her out the door and stand outside for a moment in an attempt to allow her to get some fresh air. She slides the arm she had resting around Nate's shoulder to wrap her arms around Dan's neck. Dan immediately tries to create some distance between them, not wanting Nate to think that he and Blair still have something going on. But Nate just shakes his head, seemingly reading Dan's thoughts.
"Man, I'm just glad she's okay, I could care less about Chuck right now. I called him and it went straight to voicemail."
Suddenly, Blair erupts into hysterical laughter like Nate has just told the funniest joke she's ever heard.
"You called Chuck?! He left me! Said I was an embarrassment to the company, and an embarrassment to him!" She does her best Chuck Bass impression, "'Your image is not conducive to the corporate structure.' 'It's not me, it's you' Chuck Bass style, ladies and gentlemen." She gives an exaggerated bow to some passersby, like she expects them to give her a standing ovation, but instead they just give Dan and Nate some concerned glances and hurry away.
Blair has only spiraled since Dan saw her last. Her drunken antics have been splashed across Gossip Girl for weeks, while Chuck is barely a blip on the rumormonger's radar anymore.
Nate sighs, "I'll call a cab, take her home."
Dan knows that he should just let Nate do it. She'll be out of his hair and in very capable hands. Still, he feels partially responsible, like maybe he started this whole downward spiral with his scathing ramblings. He feels like he owes her one, even though she's the one who broke his heart to start with.
"Don't worry about it, I can take her back with me. My dad's gone, and besides, her mom shouldn't see her like this."
Nate nods and smiles sadly at Blair, "Behave yourself, Waldorf."
She whistles and salutes Nate as a cab pulls up. He opens the door and allows Dan and Blair to enter. Dan and Nate share a glance as they drive away that feels like an apology and a fresh start all at once. And even though the girl curling into his side is clearly doing so because she's inebriated and not out of any genuine feelings toward him, Dan can't help but feel like this is the first time in months he hasn't felt completely alone.
...
By the time they arrive, Blair is sleeping like a rock, and nothing Dan can do will wake her. He pays the driver and slowly maneuvers her body so that he can pick her up. She mumbles something incoherent and uses her arms to grip Dan's neck, her head resting on his shoulder. Dan almost drops his keys from her proximity, and from the feeling of her hot breath on his neck. He opens the front door with shaky hands and ascends slowly to the loft.
Through some miracle, they manage to make it in and Dan lays her down gently on the couch. He flexes his arms, attempting to get some feeling back into them, and goes into the kitchen to grab a glass of water for her when she wakes up. When he returns, he's caught off-guard. She's awake.
She is staring blankly, although her eyes are downcast. She speaks in a voice that unnerves him, mainly because it is small and quiet. The Blair Waldorf he loves (loved) is bossy and demanding and, as he once said himself, fiercely strong. He doesn't recognize this girl at all.
"You're embarrassed by me too. You can't even look at me."
For the first time in so long, he's not angry.
"I'm not embarrassed by you, Blair. I just don't know what you want me to do."
She offers a hopeless suggestion, "Put everything back the way it was?"
"When?"
He's sitting across from her on the couch, hanging on her every word. He's waiting for her to say when Serena was her best friend or when Nate kept her safe or when she and Chuck first fell. He doesn't expect her to say:
"When you loved me."
He releases a long sigh and shuts his eyes for a moment. When he opens them, she's staring expectantly, but he has to know why she feels this way now, when just a little while ago, it seemed she felt the complete opposite.
"Then, why did you leave?"
"I got scared. I'm so used to the pull and the chase that when we were together, and there wasn't any chaos, love didn't feel like it always did. I didn't chase Chuck to Monaco with the idea that you'd be waiting for me if things didn't work out. I chased Chuck because he said I never took a gamble, never bet on him. But he was wrong, I doubled down on him at every turn and I always lost. What I never bet on was you, someone who was nice to me, who forgave me even when I couldn't forgive myself. You were the safe bet, but you were also the right one. I'm so sorry, Dan."
He's incredibly struck by her honesty, and the fact that she is owning up to her mistakes. He's been waiting for this moment for months now, and it feels just as good as he thought it would. Maybe even better. Now, he's the only one left with something to confess.
He may not hate her as much as he's been trying to convince himself.
"I may have written deplorable things about you, but they were passionate, Blair. You make me come alive in ways I never thought possible. That's why it kills me to see you lose your light. I want to help you find it again. I'm sorry I turned you away, I'll never do that again."
Her eyes widen with hope, but he tries to finish before she can get too excited, "But this can't be the way it works anymore, me just there to catch you when you fall. I don't just want to be next to you at your weakest, I want to be there with you at your strongest."
She looks apprehensive, but she needs this answer more than she's ever needed anything before, "So what do we do?"
He leans over and kisses her cheek, squeezing her hand tightly, and holding on to it as he stands up, "Well, I think first, you're gonna grab your water and we're gonna go get some sleep. Then, in the morning, we'll start over."
He lets go of her hand and turns to head toward the bedroom, but she quickly grabs it back and forces him to look at her again. She smiles, and Dan can see that it's a tired smile, but it's also optimistic. His words are so simple, but maybe that's what she needs now more than ever.
"You're my fairy tale, Humphrey."
This night, they both lie in Dan's bed again. Only this time, she sleeps on her side, leaning her head on his shoulder and he wraps an arm around her.
Two strangers falling in love all over again, finding peace and forgiveness along the way.
Dan thinks this is the book he'll write next.
...
When Dan wakes in the morning, he realizes that he slept for an incredibly long time. The night had been a big one for the both of them, so he isn't surprised that they're still in bed.
Except they're not. He's the only one in bed.
His heart sinks.
"Blair?" he calls, hoping she'll poke her head out of the bathroom or come sauntering back into the bedroom wearing only his t-shirt.
But instead, he's greeted only with the silence of an empty loft.
So, he gets out of bed, attempting to brace himself for the worst. He doesn't know what he's going to do if she's gone again without a trace. Instantly, a picture of her and Chuck laughing together about her playing him for a sap flashes through his head, and he swears he can feel his heart in his stomach.
He's about to call her, not caring how frantic and desperate he might look, when he sees a note lying on the kitchen counter. After reading the words, he's not sure where she's gone, but unlike the last time, he knows for certain that she's coming back.
"Dan: Went out for a little bit. Make sure you get some decent coffee by the time I come back, and maybe a nice scone or a raspberry muffin.
Please don't worry. I'll be back. Always. xx-Blair"
...
When she walks into the auditorium of the small Brooklyn grade school, she instantly feels apprehensive. Meetings like this are normally reserved for evenings, but an early morning Google search had led her to this one meant for people who needed help, but had full time jobs to contend with.
Blair doesn't have a full time job. But like it or not, she does have a problem. One that needs to be fixed immediately if she and Dan ever can have another shot. It doesn't scare her as much as it used to that that has become the thing she wants most.
She gingerly sits down in one of the metal folding chairs arranged in a circle. There are only about eight other people there with her, and some of them are chatting quietly amongst themselves while others are reading or simply waiting for the meeting to start.
Blair wants to run, but then she remembers the aftermath of the last time she ran from something she feared, but needed, and knows it would be the worst mistake of her life to leave.
A kind looking man who appears to be in his early 30s joins the group and smiles at everyone. He speaks in a commanding yet soothing voice, "Hello everyone. Good to see you all back here again, and it appears that we have a new face joining us today."
Blair is obviously used to attention, but not this kind. Not from genuine people who don't know a thing about her except the one thing that threatens to destroy them all. These faces are all the products of schemes and lies and fear, just like her.
The man speaks again, "If you don't mind, I'd like to start with you. Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself and tell the group why you're here?"
She's here for her. To pick up the pieces of a love that never should have been, a love that took so much from her and never gave any back.
She's here for Serena, the best friend she desperately wants back, but only after they've both changed for the better.
She's here for Nate, who never asks anything from her, but would do anything for her, who wears his heart on his sleeve for her as a girl he will always care about and want the highest happiness for.
She's here for Dan, the person who believes in the glimpses of who she is through the cracks of who she pretends to be. The person whose heart was smashed in two, but is still beating, only for her.
But she's seen enough movies and TV shows and after school specials to know how this goes. So, she sits up a little taller, and begins, "Hello, my name is Blair…"