Bella's point of view
When I came home from school on Friday, the phone started ringing just as I was turning the key. I had to sprint to get the call because dad wasn't home yet.
"Hey" I said a little breathlessly.
It was Jacob.
"Hey Bella. I have something important to tell you that is better told in person than over the phone. Even without that, I would love to see you sometime this week. Any chance to make it work with your shifts at Newtons?" he asked me. "I know that you have to make up some of the missed shifts due to the dancing lessons."
I smiled, comforted by hearing his voice over the phone. "Sure, I missed your presence these last two days. How about Sunday? I'm already meeting with Ange and some others tomorrow."
"I should be home around three thirty, so you're welcome any time after. Or even before if you want to hang out with my dad" he told me. I could hear the smile in his voice.
"I'll be there at about four if that's okay. By the way, I heard Rachel was coming to visit you next weekend?"
"Yeah, I almost forgot to tell you about that, sorry. She is apparently bringing some guy she just met with her. Rachel thinks he is finally the right one, but we'll see. They've only known each other for about a month." He seemed thoughtful and I could imagine his eyebrows drawing together in contemplation.
"If you want my opinion on him you've got to invite me over. But I think I'll gatecrash anyways, it's been way too long since I have heard of your sister" I announced. And it had really been ages since I had talked to any of the girls.
"You were always pretty close... How come you're not in contact anymore?" Jake wanted to know.
"I think it is part of the whole emotional distance thing I was trying to accomplish when I stopped visiting. It was too painful to come back here and see before my eyes what our family used to be like. Charlie tried to hide it, but he was sad and lonely. He was tiptoeing around me a lot." I tried to explain.
"I think he still is sometimes." And didn't that hit the nail on the head? "It helps him a lot to have you here now. I'm not the only one whose day you made when you moved back."
I nodded slowly but then remembered that he couldn't see me through the phone. "You're right. I know better now than to just leave a part of me behind, but at the time it seemed like the easiest solution to cut all ties. It wasn't even a conscious decision. I can try and rationalize it now, but back then I simply wasn't thinking."
"I'm not mad at you or at myself anymore, so it is water under the bridge. I might've done the same thing had the situations been reversed" Jake reassured me. He was such a good guy.
"Were you mad when I left?" I dared to ask, my heart beating in my chest as though it was trying to run away. I had been dreading this conversation ever since I came back, although I knew that it was a very necessary one. We had touched the topic on Saturday, but our kiss had overshadowed any more somber memories coming up.
"Not really, I mean it wasn't your fault or responsibility at all. As a kid you don't get to chose where you live. I was pretty angry with the way of the world. Why did your parents have to argue and why did your mom have to take away my best friend? We were both so young at the time, but it was pretty hard on me, my parents said. I still got to see you in the summers sometimes, but it wasn't really the same anymore."
"That's what I thought, too. I felt so connected to the forest, the beach and your family when I lived here, but after the move I felt like a visitor. Almost like a tourist, looking at the things and imagining what it would be like to be a part of them." I had really felt a huge disconnect and each visit to Forks had made me feel sad for what I had lost. I loved me mom, don't get me wrong, but no matter how loving and exuberant she was, she couldn't replace a whole support system of friends and family.
Jacob waited for me to continue and filled the silence after a minute where I didn't know what else to say as tears gathered in my eyes. I wanted to cry for all the lost chances, but shouldn't I be comforting Jacob? It was my parents' divorce which did the damage and I didn't even realize the extent of it until now.
"I was pretty mad when you weren't coming to visit any longer. The thing I resented the most was that you were too chicken to tell me, but made Charlie do the dirty work. He was pretty devastated that you didn't want to see your own father and didn't want to talk to your former friends. He felt like he failed you as a father" Jake finally said, his voice just above a whisper.
"I- " I choked on my words, not knowing what to say. I slowly felt the tears starting to fall.
"Look." Jacob's voice was gentle now. "I don't mean to upset you, but it just came up and someone had to tell you the truth. I know that Charlie wouldn't tell you in fear of hurting you. He's not really good with expressing his feelings either, but you might have noticed that already." He chuckled and I had to smile despite the situation I was in right now.
Jake continued talking. "We can talk about this again on Sunday, if you want to. Just know that I'm not angry any more. I love you and I'm so glad to have you back as my best friend. I've accepted that you had your way of dealing with the pain of separation and no one really holds a grudge against you because of it. I just want you to know about what the situation made your dad and I feel so that you can move forward without any regrets."
I didn't quite know what to say, "Thanks for telling me, Jake. It is honestly making me feel like crap, but sometimes a little pain and embarrassment is necessary."
"Growing pains, so to speak" Jake quipped and I had to laugh despite myself.
"Exactly. I need to give some more thought to what this means for my relationship with my mom and dad" I told him. "I'll see you in two days, okay? I can't wait."
"Sure, Bells, enjoy your sleepover and don't overthink the past, okay? I don't want my girlfriend to worry her head off." With those words, he hung up the phone, leaving me breathless at his casual affirmation of our new relationship status.
I had to laugh a little and spoke into the empty air in front of me "Can't wait to see you!"
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„There you are!" Angela hugged me and dragged me inside her house on Saturday. She was already in pajamas, as were the other two girls. One of them was Jessica and the other Angela's younger cousin Carol.
When I reemerged from the bathroom in my pajamas- I had purposely chosen older ones because they were so ridiculously pink and girly- the other three girls had already made popcorn and gathered blankets around the TV.
"What are we going to watch?" I asked them but maybe I shouldn't have because they started talking simultaneously.
"There's this new movie with a really hot guy in it..."
"- really good, Lauren already saw it in the cinema- "
"What about a comedy?"
"Wow, wow. Wow! Hold on a second, I'm not that good at multi-tasking!" I held my hands up in surrender.
"How about we go with the theme of the evening and relive childhood memories? I mean, since we're actually having a pajama party like fifth-graders?" I giggled at my own suggestion.
Cheering met my words and so it was decided. Angela rummaged through her DVDs for a while until she found what she had been looking for and popped in "Bambi".
"Really?" Jessica raised an eyebrow at her selection.
"If we're going to do this, we have got to do it all the way." Angela smiled sweetly at her, not allowing any protests.
"This movie always makes me cry, and you know it" Carol accused her cousin.
"I know, but it is so adorable" Angela quipped back.
"The movie or my crying face?" was all Carol had to say to that, but Angela didn't answer her. She only smirked and hit the play button on the remote.
About five minutes into the movie, Jessica couldn't stand the curiosity any longer and burst out "Are you and Jacob an item now?"
"Umm... " I blushed furiously, feeling very shy. Before I could answer, she interrupted me.
"You two simply have to end up together! You were so cute at the ball!"
I blushed even more at this, but even Carol joined the conversation. "She's right, you two look good together. And you can't deny that you like him, now can you?" Carol winked at me. "I'm a sophomore, so I was only there because Thomas invited me and I didn't know too many people, but I still saw you two."
"I don't exactly only think of him as my best friend" I mumbled. "And luckily he sees me the same way. We kissed goodnight after the ball and he called me his girlfriend yesterday" I admitted to her. Jessica squealed in response, excited for us.
"Then it's set. We are going to knock the man of your dreams off his socks. Don't even protest!" Darn, she had seen me opening my mouth to stop her before she got carried away. "When we are done with you, Jacob Black will wish he had kissed you sooner!" Jessica declared this almost as if declaring war on the whole male gender. I remembered that she was still quite mad at Mike for something.
"Are you still mad at Mike for being mike-ish at the ball?" I inquired.
"Nu-uh! I'm so over him now, I wouldn't even spare him a second thought as anything other than a friend if he came begging!" Her eyes were flashing dangerously, so I knew better than to argue with her or ask any further questions.
"If you say so." Angela gave her a reassuring smile to go with her skeptical words to calm her down.
"We're getting off-track, anyways. This was supposed to be about Bella." Jessica reminded us, for once glad to be out of the limelight.
"You need to remember that we're not going to change you, just make you feel more self-confident. There's no need to hide your feelings for Jacob from your friends, is there?" she gestured to the girls sitting on either side of her. "Yet you are always shy to share details about yourself and blushing all over the place. I'm sure that underneath your surface there is a whole lot of confidence, it's just buried in self-doubt. I've seen glimpses of it, but I know that you're not letting your personality out to play full time. What's stopping you?" she inquired as the movie kept playing, unwatched.
For Carol's benefit, I started my story at the beginning. "I actually grew up here in Forks with my parents. But when they divorced, my mom took me with her, away from my tight-knit circle of friends. I was left without my support system and it hurt so much that I retreated within myself. And in the process, I distanced myself from my old friends and was unable to make lasting connections at the new school, as well." I paused to gather my thoughts. I had only recently started thinking about the impact the divorce and the move had had on my life, mental health and personality.
"I guess it has been a long time since I let myself be vulnerable with others. So please don't take it personally if I am being distant with you sometimes. You are allowed to call me out on it, it would probably help" I told them, forcing myself to be honest with them and to myself. It was something I had avoided facing in the past. "In fact, with all the time I have spent by myself or babysitting my mom in the last few years, I guess I have let myself become a little plain and boring. I used to be fearless, exploring the woods with Jake and other friends by my side, but now I feel so worried and afraid all the time."
"You're as good as you think you are. That's what my mom used to tell me when I was being self-conscious" Angela said. "You have no reason to be afraid of other people's reactions. So just be yourself" she encouraged me
"And once you are confident, the world won't know what hit it" Carol agreed. "You have to imagine a switch inside of you. Whenever you want to be more confident, you activate it by smiling. It makes you shine from within, filling you up with confidence and happiness."
"Just try it!" Jessica encouraged me. "We are all sure that you can do it!"
"Just allow yourself to be you, and to be happy being you."
And really, as the three girl kept talking to me persistently, I could feel the confidence inside of me like a blossoming flower.
"Take a really good look in the mirror and try to see the good things about you. No one will look at your flaws when you own them and outshine them with your personality."
Carol helped me up and pushed me towards the floor-length mirror in the hall of the Webbers' house. At first I thought her words were strange, but then I understood. As I looked at myself I noticed how you didn't really see the pimple on my chin if my eyes were shining and a smile played around my lips.
"That's how you get away with that hideous cardigan of yours, isn't it? Just smile it away?" I playfully asked Jessica. She really was a wonderful person as long as Lauren wasn't around to poison her confidence.
"You're absolutely right! But if I weren't in such a good mood right now, I would get you back for that comment, since you have such an atrocious taste in hairclips!"
I gasped theatrically and threw a decorative pillow from a nearby rocking chair at her. "You did not just insult my hairclip." Of course I missed her by a lot- I had been aiming from the hallway, after all- and hit Carol instead.
"You really shouldn't have dragged me into this!" she yelled with an evil smile and chucked the pillow right back at me.
The pillow fight was on!
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"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." (Author unknown)