Chapter 35- The pain of separation
Darcy had never felt like a coward in his life until then. He was disgusted with himself. He closed his eyes as the carriage rolled away from Pemberley, wishing for the last time that he could reverse his actions the previous day. He could not look at his wife's face after that incident and when he did, he saw the utter embarrassment on her. She stammered during her conversation with Georgiana and hardly looked at him. When she did, he noticed the agony in her eyes and was angry with himself.
Darcy could not bear to witness her torment. He had paced his room that night and almost knocked on the door to her room. But, how do I explain myself to her? As the one who pressed her for facts, what do I have to support myself in my actions? She will see me as the man who wants to make amends with her, to satisfy my needs. I took everything away from her. She does not deserve this.
He made up his mind. I need to get away from her. So that morning, he had met Georgiana and Elizabeth in the breakfast parlor and informed them of his departure to London. He tried to answer his sisters' questions patiently and was not surprised when his wife had none for him. She must be relieved that I am leaving her alone.
Georgiana on the other hand assumed that Elizabeth was already aware of his plans and was thus silent. So, he left them, planting a kiss on the sleeping Emma and dreading the lonely journey ahead of him.
Elizabeth had watched his carriage speed away. He chose to leave; I am sure he is angry at himself for the lapse in his resolution. I wish I had moved away; I should have. He must have thought of me eager and ready for his advances.
She ran upstairs and cried her heart out. She had not been able to look at him the previous night during supper. She was ashamed of herself, even though she knew she was not responsible for what happened. She was ashamed that she could not hate the man who questioned her character and the one who tried to kiss her, despite his insults during the night of their marriage. She could not hate him, because she loved him. She looked at the bookshelf in her room. It was the only piece of furniture that did not match the rest. When she had asked the housekeeper about it a month ago, Mrs Reynolds had given her the most thought-provoking explanation.
"Mrs Darcy, the master had sent orders to get your chambers ready before you arrived at Pemberley. He was particular that we added a bookshelf to your room, I think you have a great fondness for reading. He was very specific about this request."
How could a man so be so considerate of all my needs and think so ill of me? How could he? He wanted to kiss me. Could that have happened without any change in his about me? Maybe, his feelings changed, but he wanted to stay away from me because it could never blossom into a relationship of trust and love. He can never trust me. As he said, there are no facts to support me. She spent most of the time in her room and felt that she was neglecting Georgiana and Emma.
"Lizzy, you look sad. I do not know why Fitzwilliam had to leave. He doesn't like town at all. Maybe you should have gone along. Did you choose to stay because of Emma and me?"
Elizabeth did not know how to reply.
"I do not like the town too, Georgiana. That is why your brother wanted me to stay back. It is some unavoidable business."
Emma was playing along with them in Georgiana's room. The little girl suddenly got excited.
"Libby, I have found a treasure chest. There must be treasure inside it." She squealed.
Elizabeth saw her holding a beautiful wooden box. Georgiana was startled.
"Emma gives that box to me. Do not open it." Georgiana cried. Emma thought it was a game and ran around the room with the box. When Georgiana tried to grab the box from her hand, it fell open, scattering letters on the floor. Elizabeth was immediately beside them, helping Georgiana gather the letters. She was surprised when Georgiana rudely grabbed the ones Elizabeth had in her hand and hurriedly closed the box. Elizabeth saw the discomfort on Georgiana's face. She saw the letters addressed to her without the name of the sender on the envelope.
Georgiana was struggling to hold her tears. Oh! God! What will she think of me? She will hate me.
After aw minutes, Georgiana was surprised when Elizabeth walked out of the room, bidding her a gentle good night. Elizabeth loved Georgiana a lot, but she knew that pressing her for details or confronting her would only complicate things. She did not observe anything odd in her behavior since then and hoped it was nothing serious. Maybe it is something in her past. She thought.
Darcy reached London that day, and the house seemed so different to him. He knew Elizabeth had spent only two weeks there with him, but it seemed empty without her. Darcy could sense the disappointment among the staff when they saw that he had come alone. He locked himself in the study, unable to comprehend how long he intended to spend away from her. Even without any emotional or physical connection between them, she had become an integral part of his everyday life. He felt lost without her.
Elizabeth retired for the night, emotionally drained. She looked at the door connecting to his chamber. She had half hoped, and half feared that he would come to her the previous night and talk to her about what happened.
What if he said he wanted to consummate the marriage? She was sure that he would not be able to, with the heavy accusations against her. She contemplated about their wedding night. If he had acted as if he had forgotten everything that happened and wanted to have a happy life with me, how would that have felt? She released as much as she had despised him for his words that night, she could have never respected him if he had forced her into the marriage bed. Maybe that is why I am unable to hate him, he is just like me in principles and values, but he cannot see it because of his prejudice.
She heaved a sigh and tried to sleep. She had no idea when Darcy would be back. She was sure that there would be no correspondence between them.
Mr Bingley was surprised by the note from Darcy the next day.
"Jane, Darcy is in town."
"Is it? Lizzy never told me they planned to visit so soon." Mr Bingley frowned.
"I think he came alone. He says he has some important business to take care of."
Jane looked troubled. Mr Bingley met Darcy that day, and they conversed about usual topics. By the end of the meeting, he was sure that something was troubling him.
Miss Bingley was not aware of Darcy's presence in town. She had sold some of her jewellery and paid Wickham a small amount of money. She was still unsure how to execute her plans. Wickham doubted her motives. Let me see how far this goes. I cannot trust her. Whatever her plan is, I will not go by it blindly.
He had a tough time convincing Dorothy to stay indoors.
"My darling, it is not safe for you outside. As I said, Miss Bingley threatened to harm you. I want you to be safe, and that is why you cannot visit your mother."
"But, George, why didn't you tell her that I will not reveal her secret. You told me we could go to Derbyshire and get married. Why would she harm me, if I am not a threat to her?"
"She does not believe me, my dear. She thinks we will betray her. I need to meet up with her later this week. I hope I can convince her to leave us alone. You are safe here with my cousin. We can travel to Derbyshire once I am sure about your safety."
Dorothy was doubtful. He poured her some more wine, and she fell asleep soon.
"Wickham, is this all going to work? I am scared this chit will leave the house when I am gone for work." Mrs Younge questioned him.
"It will. Do not worry."
"What is your plan?"
"I will reveal it at the right time. Wait for a few more weeks."
Wickham was tired of convincing Dorothy and Mrs Younge daily. He could not risk Dorothy getting into out. In just a few more weeks, I will have the money and my revenge on Darcy as well.
Darcy spent a couple of days in agony. He could not concentrate on anything. Colonel Fitzwilliam came to stay with him.
"Darcy, I cannot help you if you cannot trust me. What happened in Pemberley? Is there anything wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Then why are you here with this nightmarish look on your face?"
"Richard, there is nothing you can do to help me. I need some time alone, if there is anything wrong, it is just with me and not anyone else."
"When are you leaving? I know you hate town."
"I have not planned on a date. Maybe three weeks."
Colonel Fitzwilliam wanted to write to Georgiana about her brother's mood, but he did not want to complicate things. His parents were out of town, and he thought it was better.
In Pemberley, Georgiana was not herself. She feared that Elizabeth would confront her any minute about the letters. But it did not happen. She could not take it any longer.
Elizabeth was surprised to see Georgiana in her room that morning.
"Georgiana, what happened?" She asked worriedly.
"When are you going to ask me? I cannot bear this any longer."
Elizabeth was perplexed.
"I know you saw the letters and how I tried to conceal them from you. I am so ashamed of myself."
"Georgiana, I did not want to force you to share something which you were not ready to discuss."
Georgiana began to weep.
Elizabeth put her arm around her.
"It is alright. Please do not be upset.
"I am scared, Lizzy. I cannot afford to lose your love and affection."
"You will not. I have younger sisters your age, I can understand whatever that is bothering you.'
"Nobody knows about this except Fitzwilliam and Richard. I almost eloped with someone in Ramsgate."
Elizabeth could not believe it.
"I was in love with him, Lizzy. Those are his letters. He was kind to me and convinced me that Fitzwilliam would never agree to our union. So, he wanted to go to Gretna green. By God's grace, Fitzwilliam arrived a day before the planned elopement. I could not hide our plans from him. He was against our union. I thought George was right. Fitzwilliam was against us because George was poor. I said some horrible things to him. I hurt him so badly by stating that he did not care for my feelings and was selfish to think only about his status in society. But the next day, when George arrived at the house, he tried to negotiate money instead of marrying me. When I asked him, he admitted that he was never in love with me. I was heartbroken. I could not believe it. And because of my stupid feelings, I hurt Fitzwilliam so very much."
Elizabeth listened patiently.
"Fitzwilliam forgave me. But I could not forgive myself. I betrayed my beloved brother."
"No. You did not. You did not go through with the elopement. You had the courage to tell the truth. It was brave of you."
Georgiana looked up at her and saw the warmth in her face.
"Are you not ashamed of me?"
"Of course not. You fell in love with someone who did not deserve your affection. You must be happy that your brother was there to protect you."
"He was heartbroken at my state. I was devastated to have caused him pain, and George was so close to my father. Fitzwilliam could not believe he tried to hurt me for money."
Elizabeth froze.
"What is his full name?"
"Wickham, George Wickham. His father was the steward of Pemberley for many years."
Elizabeth was silent.
"Lizzy, what is it?"
"Is he still writing to you?"
"No. Why do you ask?"
" George Wickham's character is worse than you can ever imagine."
She quickly related how he had bad-mouthed the Darcy family to her and how he had spread lies about her character to the officers. Georgiana stared at her, shocked.
"Oh! Lizzy! How horrid. How could he assassinate your character this way? I cannot imagine how you felt. Does Fitzwilliam know about this? "
Elizabeth did not want to reveal anything about the compromise.
"This happened before we got engaged. My uncle met with captain Foster and demanded that Wickham should be expelled from the militia. But he had already fled Hertfordshire due to debts. He has also gained the wrath of several young women from the village of Meryton. Georgiana, are you still in love with him?"
" No! I am not. You might think so because I have kept his letters safe. But I am not, I assure you. After learning about his deeds to you, all I have is anger against him. I am going to destroy his letter and every memory I have of him. Oh, Lizzy! For such a man, I hurt Fitzwilliam so much. He was so sad for so many months he thought he had failed me. But it was always the other way round."
"When did this happen?"
"Right before he came to Hertfordshire to assist Mr Bingley with his estate."
No wonder he was in such a foul mood, and what a time to be tangled in a compromise.
" I am so glad that he met you. You make him so happy."
"Is that so?" Elizabeth asked with a smile.
"Of course. I have seen Fitzwilliam's face light up around you."
Elizabeth did not know how to reply to Georgiana's observation.
"I learned from Richard that Wickham has been jealous of Fitzwilliam since childhood. Fitzwilliam saw through his character and had tried to make his father aware of it. But my father seems to have had blind trust in his character. Fitzwilliam has been so generous towards me, Lizzy. He has been everything to me. All I ever want is for him to be happy, and I know he is now. You have made him happy. All of us, happy. I must thank you."
Elizabeth was extremely uncomfortable around the topic of her relationship with her husband. The information about Georgiana and Wickham made her understand Darcy more than before.
The betrayal of his dear sister must have devastated him. And a man who was so close to the family. No wonder he could not see any truth in me. Had the same thing happened to me, I would have doubted the world the same way.
The trust she had built with Georgiana warmed her heart. She smiled at the irony of her situation. Everyone in the Darcy household has given me their goodwill except her husband.
She felt lonely when she thought about the empty room next to her.
What is to happen next? She wondered at night, and her thoughts were no different to that of her husband sitting in the library, far away, unable to sleep.