Chapter 13: The Sane Berserker...but not really.

I continued to cough as the smoke cleared, the figure in front of me becoming clearer.

Everything in my mind was running a million miles an hour, Kanshou and Bakuya ready to be projected in my hands. A servant summoning was a risky thing to do, and mine was completely accidental and without an available catalyst.

Well, Avalon might count, but knowing my luck the last thing I ended up with would be Saber.

The smoke cleared and I came face to face with the Servant.

Who was standing in the cauldron.

With a small frown on her face.

I blinked.

I had no idea who this was.

She was a short girl, with aquamarine coloured long hair, a teal coloured Kimono, long white tights a small fan in her hands and white horns atop her head.

"Ara?" She blinked for a few moments as she stared at me, then her gaze travelled to the cauldron she was standing in and then back to me. I honestly had no idea to respond to her.

"Hello." I stared, a rather dumb introduction but I was committed at this point "My name is Emiya Shirou." I pointed to Shouta behind me "This is Shouta, an acquaintance of mine." me hand gestured to Lucoa "And this is another acquaintance of mine Lucoa… she's not a Servant."

"Is this so, Master-sama?" The girl blinked as she shifted her gaze from myself to the pair behind me, who were likely still in a daze of confusion "I am the Servant, Berserker." she stared at the pot "I hope you did not intentionally summon me in such a position."

"No." I replied instantly, she was a Berserker, and despite her small stature I was confident that if she didn't like what I had to say she would kill me before I could try to deploy a command seal "You're summoning was completely by accident."

"Excuse me?" Lucoa stepped forwards, still shielding Shouta behind her "May I ask for your name? I can sense that you are a fellow dragon, but…" she frowned "I was unaware of any other dragons in this world."

"Ara?" Berserker blinked at her "Rather perceptive, aren't you?" her gaze travelled downwards towards Lucoa's chest, then went between the two of us "Master-sama...you said this woman was an acquaintance of yours?"

"Yes…" I nodded, rather hesitantly "Is...is there an issue?"

"Your relationship is purely that of acquaintance?"

"Yes." I answered truthfully, I didn't really know her long enough to consider her a friend. She was more Tohru's friend than mine.

She smiled at me as she stepped out of the cauldron towards me "An honest boy. That's good, I like that in a Master." she stopped in front of me, for a berserker she seems rather sane. Nothing like Heracles "I trust you will not lie to me, if you do I will force you to swallow a thousand needles."

"…" Nevermind, she's insane in her own right. But I appreciate the need for honesty, even if she probably takes it a little far "Of course." I smile and nod to her, she seems to narrow her eyes at me, I ignore it and turn to Lucoa and Shouta "Sorry about this...Myself and Berserker will see eachother out, I think we have a lot to discuss."

"Indeed, Master-sama."

I bow "Thank you for the hospitality." I turn my gaze to the cauldron and the spilled liquid, I grimace "Sorry about the mess by the way."

"It's fine, Shirou-san." Lucoa waves me off "I'll help Shouta clear it up." the boy is still staring at Berserker in shock, his gaze switching between the two of us.

"Come on, Berserker." I gesture for the girl to follow "We're heading home."

"Of course, Master-sama." She replies "Its only natural for a husband to show his wife home." she whispers that last part, I feel a shiver run down my spine.

I have a horrible feeling about this.

"Sorry again about your summoning, Berserker." I say as I lead her into the flat "It was a complete accident." I stare at the small stains on her Kimono "I'll try to find some way to make it up to you."

"It's fine, Master-sama." The girl smiles and flashes open a fan in front of her face, her eyes glint with barely concealed joy "Being honest with me, like you have done, is more than enough."

"Well…" I frown "If you're sure."

"Of course, we will need to discuss things." Berserker hums to herself "I feel...different. I cannot feel the grail."

"Ah…" I blink "Yes...there… there is not Grail…" I cringe as she turns and looks me in the eye "There isn't a Grail War on… You're summoning was…"

"...A complete accident." She nods to herself "I suppose it is no great loss. Master-sama."

"Please, call me Shirou." I ask her "I'm not a fan of the formality of the title."

"Of course, Shirou-sama."

"...I'm not going to get you to just call me Shirou, am I?"

"Not until after the honeymoon."

"The wha-?"

"Where is your kitchen, Shirou-sama?" She asks, rather suddenly. I blink, she said something rather outrageous there.

"It's…" I furrow my brows, I have a sense of dread about what will happen after I answer "It's through there." I point through the door, she turns to the exposed kitchen and smiles.

"Please, relax yourself Shirou-sama." She says to me as she makes her way to the kitchen "I shall cook you something."

"Oh." I blink, the move to cut her off "There's no need, Berserker. I'll make us something."

She freezes in front of me, blocked from entering my kingdom.

"I must insist, Shirou-sama." The first attack is launched as she narrows her eyes at me, I stare right back at her and prepare a counter attack.

"It's fine, Berserker." I strike right back "I enjoy cooking, besides. I'm the host. It would be improper for me to allow a guest to make their own food."

She remains undeterred as she continues her offensive "It is improper for a wife-" She said something outrageous again "-to allow herself to fall behind on cooking duties. I shall assume control of the domestic affairs." she's launched a massive attack not just against my kingdom, but against my entire world.

I think not.

"Berserker…" I'm going to have to give ground here "I don't mind if you want to help m-"

"Liar." I feel a burn on my hand, I stare at my left hand in shock.

She just burnt away one of my command seals.

"I did ask you not to lie to me. Shirou-sama." She takes a single step towards me, the attack against my kingdom is more aggressive than ever before.

"Berserker...How about taking turns?" I offer, this is my last hope.

She seems to pause, considering the idea "Does the kitchen mean so much to you, Shirou-sama?"

"Yes." I answer immediately "Please, don't take it from me."

She stares at me for a few moments before she sighs "I suppose...but…" she blushes and turns away from me "...but only if you call me Kiyohime."

Kiyohime?

Oh.

OH…

The dragon from legend. Who burnt her husband after he lied to her…

No wonder she hates lies.

"I suppose we should set up a rotor…" I sigh out "Kiyohime-san."

"Kiyohime."

"...Kiyohime."

She smiles, rather brightly at me "Of course, Shirou-sama!" the wanders off "I'll get started right away!" right past me and into the kitchen.

I can't complain.

She has won this battle.

However...I at least haven't lost my kitchen.

Oh...Right, I'm going to have to introduce her to Kobayashi.

There's a knock at the door. I blink.

"I'll get it, Shirou-sama." Kiyohime moves out of the kitchen immediately. I walk in to see what rotor she has set up.

She's written it up on the fridge.

Monday – Kiyohime

Tuesday – Kiyohime

Wednesday – Kiyohime

Thursday – Kiyohime

Friday – Kiyohime

Saturday – Kiyohime

Sunday – Shirou-sama

I gape at this.

This is beyond unreasonable! I wipe off her name on several day and make my own additions to it.

Monday – Shirou

Tuesday – Kiyohime

Wednesday – Shirou

Thursday – Kiyohime

Friday – Shirou

Saturday – Kiyohime

Sunday – Shirou/Kiyohime

Better. She shouldn't find too much wrong with that.

Hopefully.

"EH!?" I hear Tohru's voice from the door, she sounds startled about something. Most likely Kiyohime. I turn around and walk out of the kitchen and towards the front door.

I notice Tohru send a surprised glance my way before turning back to Kiyohime.

"Good afternoon, Tohru." I greet the girl as I approach "How can I help you?"

"Emiya-san? Why didn't you say you married a dragon!" She exclaims at me, her eyes wide and… slightly envious?

Wait… I did what now?

I slowly shift my gaze to Kiyohime, the Berserker remains impassive as she stands in the door way, she glances me way "I was simply asking this… snake… why she felt the need to visit my husband."

"H-husband?"

"Snake!?"

"Of course." Kiyohime continues "Now that you have me, Shirou-sama, you need no longer trouble yourself with these belly dragging lizards." she narrowed her eyes at Tohru and exuded quite a nasty killing intent "Leave. Wench. I will no tolerate your advances on Shirou-sama."

"I'm in love with Kobayashi-san!" Tohru exclaims in righteous indignation "I came to check up on Emiya-san because I felt the presence of another dragon!"

"Ara?" The killing intent vanishes in a moment "So you have no romantic interest in Shirou-sama?"

"No!"

"Good." She nods to herself, then turns to me "I had to be sure that they weren't going to seduce you, Shirou-sama. However, if she already has a lover then that is fine." she smiles at me as if she has said nothing wrong.

"I see." Tohru nods "Yes. I would also make sure to check in case anyone tried to seduce Kobayashi-san." Please, don't agree with her "No, wait…" she fixes me with a puzzled expression "You're married, Emiya-san?"

"Well actually-"

"Of course!" Berserker cuts me off as she latches onto my arm "Shirou-sama is my beloved husband." she then whispers to herself "My Anchin-sama."

Huh?

This must be a hell of a madness enchancement.

"We're not actually-" I'm cut off when she grips me arm slightly tighter than before, I sigh "We're roommates at the moment...I suppose like yourself and Kobayashi-san."

"Ah!" Tohru clasps her hands together "So you offered to have her live with you? That was very generous Emiya-san."

"Indeed." Kiyohime replied "Fufufufu, Shirou-sama is an honest boy."

"Yep." Tohru nods "He taught me how to cook so I could be a better wif- I mean maid to Kobayashi-san!"

"Ara?" Suddenly Kiyohime looks very interested as she unlatches herself from me, I wince as I roll my shoulder "You seek to learn the duties of a housewife?"

"Yes." Tohru nods enthusiastically "I want to serve Kobayashi-san as best I can… and eventually I will serve her with my body!"

Hey, that's a little-

"Fufufu." Kiyohime chuckles "Rather bold, of you. I suppose I shall encourage the love between my neighbours."

"Really?" Tohru looks ecstatic at the news, I feel a sense of dread.

"Of course." Kiyohime nods "Your love for your beloved has touched my heart! I shall help you woo your lover to your side and make you a perfect wife!"

"Thanks!" She turns to me "Your wife is great, Emiya-san!"

"She's not my wife." I sigh and shake my head "Aren't you still banned from the kitchen?"

"Erk!" Tohru grimaces, Kiyohime flashes me a shocked look.

"Shirou-sama! You would bar a wife from her kitchen!?"

"Yeah!" Tohru chimes in, the pair narrow their eyes at me in shock and mild anger. Why am I the bad guy here? She was the one who started a fight in a play park!

"Follow me." Kiyohime leads Tohru inside the house "We shall rectify this injustice!"

"H-hey!" She brushes past me, Tohru sends me a smug smile as she struts past.

"I would like the name of my fellow housewife." Kiyohime asks as the pair settle into the kitchen.

"Ah! I'm Tohru!"

"My name is Kiyohime. Now...let us work on wooing your lover."

Kobayashi-san…

I'm sorry.

I'm so very sorry.

AN: Yep. Poll votes were in.

Yandere dragon wife.

Yep, it's great!

Anyway. I figured that it will be a great opportunity for Tohru and Kiyohime to bond, seeing as how they are both somewhat fanatical when it comes to loving their… Well, beloveds.

Thus I have dubbed them.

'The Wife Squad'!

...Yeah, it needs work.