Thanks to everyone - Fran for being such a supportive beta, Dani and Ariel for prereading and being amazing cheerleaders for this story, and YOU for reviewing and joining me on this journey. Love you all!

Edward

Bella.

It's one name, and it's everything.

I don't know what to make of it just yet. I don't know what it means to me or why it's important.

But I know it is.

The same way I was haunted by the girl in my dreams, the knowledge of her name makes my heart race and my mind wander as I shoot up in bed.

It was Victoria's voice that had ultimately brought me back to reality, flung me out of a dream that had felt so real, so warm, that I would give anything to go back.

Back to her. Bella.

I never was someone who would look to find meaning within my dreams. To me, dreams were just something to pass the time between sleep and awake and nothing more. Surely, I couldn't place any real thought on dreams that most often were filled with nonsense.

But this is different. I can feel it within every fiber of my being that these dreams are meant for me—meant to grab my attention.

To find answers.

I have more questions than answers these days, and the only place I find a respite to the chaos of my life is when I'm sleeping and with her.

Bella.

Her name is a new and welcome addition to my dreams. I've followed her for weeks now, months perhaps; I've let her lead me down dark hallways, never-ending mazes, and deep tunnels. She's lured me completely under her spell, and when she sinks into my arms, I've never felt so happy to be there.

But there's more. I know I'm happy to be there. I'm wrapped in a world of familiarity I can't deny whenever we're settled together - and the minutes in my dreams where I'm chasing after her, convinces me I'm lost without her.

I'm settling without her.

And until her name had been spoken in the dream, I would have been satisfied; I could have accepted a life where our time spent together is just through our dreams.

But her name has made her all the more real. Everything is more real now, and in the dream when our lips touched, I swear I felt it on my lips as I lay unconscious in the dark.

"Another bad dream?" Victoria asks, sitting up next to me in bed as I try to regulate my breathing back to normal. Her hand reaches out to touch my shoulder, and it's cool to the touch on my skin, making me shudder at the contact.

"Yeah." I turn my head to her and reach over to squeeze her hand on my shoulder. "Go back to sleep. I'll be all right."

There's still enough time left in the night for her to take advantage of. Sleep is out of the question for me at this point, so I make my way out of bed, so I don't bother her any more than I already have.

"Are you sure?" She asks, settling back down into the blankets and onto her pillow. Her eyes are closed before I've left the room.

"I'll be back."

I shuffle my way into the living room, rubbing my eyes with my fingers as I grab the throw blanket off the couch and drape it over my shoulders. It's quiet here in the dark, the natural creaks of the apartment the only thing keeping me company as I rearrange myself on the couch. I try not to do the thing everyone does and count how many hours I'll have if I fall asleep this very moment, but I do it anyway. Three solid hours if I were able to sleep, but it's pointless at this point.

No matter what I do or where I go, she's there. She's telling me I need to find her, wherever she is, as if she's real and waiting for me.

It doesn't go unnoticed to me that I have, in fact, spent the last several weeks feeling lost. Like something was missing, just waiting for me to find it.

Perhaps that's it. Perhaps I didn't know for sure what was missing, and if I didn't know what was missing, how was I supposed to search for it?

But I know now. Bella told me. I'm home. Waiting for you. Please find me.

Find her? I'm not even entirely convinced she's real, let alone someone I could find.

But I'd be lying to myself if I didn't close my eyes and try my fucking hardest to find her again in my dreams and look for a damn clue as to where in the world she could possibly be.

—-m—-

The next few days pass by in a whirl of confusion as I lose myself in analyzing my dreams with Bella. I search for anything that could lead me to where she is - and then I curse myself for even thinking for a minute there is any truth to whatever the hell rabbit hole I'm going down.

There's a possibility I'm certifiably insane.

It's within my realm of possibility these days.

I tell Kate as much right before she ends our session later that week. I can see how she teeters on the fence about me finding a purpose in my new life and also making sure I'm not chasing ghosts.

"I can see that it's kept you busy," she says once I've finished telling her about the messages Bella has left for me to figure out. "Do you find it to be better to feel this than it is to feel like you were last week?"

"I think so," I answer with a nod and sigh. "I feel like I have a purpose now."

Kate smiles. "Okay then." She closes the lid to her laptop as I'm gathering myself to leave. "Do you think there's any truth to this? That you'll find her?"

"I have no idea," I answer as I make my way to the door. "But I have to try."

She nods again. "Good."

I'm walking to my car when Victoria calls and asks if I want to go out for dinner instead of cooking whatever we have left at home. Suddenly hungry, I agree with a sigh and hang up once we've decided where to meet. Since she's coming straight from work, and I'm much closer to the restaurant, I have some time to kill. I call Rose once I'm seated in a corner at the restaurant waiting for Victoria to arrive.

"I'm fine," she says after a few minutes of catching up. She chuckles, "We're fine, I should say."

"Good. I just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of food, and it looked so good I thought I could be pregnant because of how much I wanted it."

"You're so much like your brother, it's crazy," Rose laughs wistfully. "But I'm currently battling an alarming amount of heartburn, so most food is the enemy these days, unfortunately."

Luckily, it's a battle I don't understand, and I'm looking forward to stuffing my face with pretty much anything at this point. My appetite has started to come back recently, and I plan on taking advantage of it.

"You meeting Victoria?"

"She just walked in now," I answer, spotting her as she steps into the restaurant. I wave in her direction until she sees me and starts heading over.

"Enjoy yourself, Edward," Rose says seriously. "At least try to."

I do try.

It's not like Victoria isn't attractive; she turns the heads of both the men and women alike in here as she makes her way to our table. Her skin is still somehow pale beneath the Florida sun, a stark contrast to the deep red of her hair resting against the bare skin of her shoulders. Her legs, long with plenty of stories to tell, remind me of times long ago when she would wrap them around my shoulders with a beg for me not to stop.

It feels like a lifetime ago.

And I feel like an absolute piece of shit when I realize I've spent the last week hunting down another girl that could very much be just a figment of my imagination.

I don't deserve her.

I could have said that before my accident, though.

And it makes me realize how stupid I am to be chasing a dream. Because that's exactly what I'm doing - pursuing something that is completely intangible.

It's ridiculous how sure I am about finding Bella to how resolute I am in forgetting her completely.

And I need to forget about it immediately before I let it consume me.

I have an idea of where I should start, and she's staring right back at me from the other side of the table.

She knows it, too, especially later when she's screaming my name and holding my head in place between her legs. My tongue swipes up and then down again as she claws at me to keep going.

I have no intention of stopping.

But I do when Bella's face pops into my mind as I rest my head against Victoria's shoulder.

The darkness of her long brown hair clouds my vision; I slide my hand along the mattress before I move my hand to move it out of the way. Instead, they settle. They wrap themselves around the thick curls, weaving between my fingers like I've held them so many times before. With the curls out of my way, I open my eyes to an endless expanse of skin. Her shoulders, her collarbone, her neck.

I need it all.

My fingers still tangled in her hair, I pull on the strands until her head tilts back, my mouth landing on her jaw before they slide their way across her skin down towards her breasts. I push harder into her as my fingers and tongue bring the softest pink to full peaks, my name escaping from her lips in a torrent of pleasure.

"Edward," she murmurs over and over, the beginning of my name falling from her mouth before she reaches the end. Her voice drips in a passion I recognize, a passion I could never forget no matter how deep it may be buried. I grow harder inside her as she clings to me, her legs around my waist and her hands circling up and down my back before tangling in my hair.

Her hips urge me forward, and I bury myself deeper inside her as I bring us closer to a release we're both desperate to find.

My mouth finds hers, and I swallow her cries as our lips meet as one. We're panting, breathless as we lose one another in this bed, only to find each other again in the next breath.

It ends explosively; I lose my grip on the earth as I struggle to put myself back together.

I hold her to me, knowing she's too weak to be let go of, and when I move to tell Bella how much I love her and how much I've missed her, I freeze.

It's not Bella.

It's Victoria.

And I'm not sure I can feel even shittier than I already do when her eyes flutter open to see my horrified face staring back at her.

And I am horrified - but not at her. God, no, never at her.

At myself.

—-m—-

When morning comes, it's safe to say I watched every minute of the clock pass me by before I had to get out of bed and admit defeat. Sleep would not come to me tonight, and maybe it's something I deserve.

I could probably think of worse things I deserve for thinking of another woman while fucking Victoria - my girlfriend who has put up with me for longer than she should have.

Through my addictions and abuse, my accident and coma, my recovery, and resurrection, Victoria has been the one to see me through it all.

And how do I repay her?

By imagining myself with another woman. When she's in my arms, beneath me, thinking sex will bridge the distance between us. That somehow, we would find our way back to one another again in that bed, the same bed I couldn't get out of fast enough.

In the months I've been home, reacclimating myself with my old life and bringing along new parts of myself I didn't quite understand, I don't think I've loathed myself any more than I do right now.

It's not fair to her.

She shouldn't waste her time with someone like me, someone who values her and respects her as a person - but places his true feelings into some unknown person, the same person he's determined to find.

Even if I never find this Bella or never search for her at all, I can't force myself to feel things for Victoria I no longer feel. Victoria had fallen in love with Masen, and Masen had needed someone like her to clean up his messes.

Who I am now is someone else entirely, and I'm starting to feel more and more like myself with each passing day. It's evident, crystal clear and staring me right in the face, that Victoria doesn't know the person I am now.

Edward.

It breaks my heart to admit she's not the person I'm supposed to be with. And it's not right of me to stay here and wait to feel those feelings for her because there's a chance that day will never come—especially when Bella is haunting my dreams at night and plaguing my mind during the day.

Hanging my head low, I feel a nagging sense of dread as I come to grips with what I need to do. It's something I should have done months ago. It's just taken me this long to understand and accept what happened to me. Between losing Emmett, the accident, and the coma, I had lost myself.

And slowly but surely, I'm beginning to recognize the person I am, maybe the person I've always been. It's hard to accept the fact that the changes I've been through have shaped me into the man I am right now.

And while Victoria has played a huge role in my life, it's not right for her to do so anymore.

The rumbling from the coffee pot stirs to life and jars me from my troubles. The ceramic tiled floors in my kitchen are cold against my feet, and I stand on the floor mat in front of the sink while I wait for the coffee to brew. After being awake as many hours as I have, my day is going to depend on this cup of coffee. Or twelve.

I pull two mugs from the cabinet out of habit and pour the steaming liquid into them, making each cup to our liking. Hers and mine. Simple enough. The small gesture reminds me it's possible to still know a person, despite feeling like virtual strangers.

I'm not sure if it was the smell of the coffee or the sound of me stirring in the kitchen that wakes Victoria from her sleep, but she's sleepily making her way into the kitchen with a smile that tells me she's still half asleep. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't want to send her back to bed so I could have a little more time to myself; all the time in the world wouldn't be enough for how long it would take me to sort through all these reflections.

"Thanks," Victoria says through a yawn as she reaches for the mug I've left her on the counter. She blows some steam away from the top. "Smells great."

"Welcome." I nod and grab my own, moving to stare out the window. The only sound in the apartment is the sound of our tentative sips, hers slowly waking her up and mine heightening the guilt I feel for what I'm about to do.

"Rough night again?" She asks with the steaming mug against her lips.

I nod into my own. "Kind of."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really," I sigh, my head dropping down to my chest again. "I just want to forget about it."

"Okay," Victoria says in understanding before taking a breath and continuing. "But shouldn't you want to share it with me? Or share anything with me?"

I've done a horrible job of keeping my opposing feelings at bay. It's difficult to keep up with my mood swings - one minute, I'm determined to do right by her and try to find the love that was once there. But the next minute, I'm pushing her away, realizing what I'm pushing for is no longer what I feel.

Feeling the need to defend myself, I turn to look at her, where she stands on the other side of the kitchen, leaning on the island with her elbows. I don't share everything with her; I can't share everything with her. "I share things with you."

"Yeah." She replies, not with sarcasm but with a defeated admission of what we both know but don't say.

I share some but not all.

"Look, I'm sorry." I swallow. "I know you want me to tell you things, but I'm just not there yet. I'm not ready."

I hope she knows there will always be parts of me she won't know about - and even now, as I prepare to shatter whatever relationship we have left, I'm even more convinced she deserves all of someone and not just the parts he's willing to share.

"I respect that, Edward. I do," she says, still tired from sleep or this conversation, I'm not sure. "It's just been months now, and I want to be someone you can tell these things to. Someone you can trust."

"I do trust you. That's never a doubt in my mind," I correct her, hoping she'll focus on the amazing person she is and not the way she thinks she's failed me.

"Then what is it?" She asks, a frustrated look washing over her features. "I'm not stupid. Your silence tells me a lot more than your words do these days."

"I'm sorry," I say hoarsely. "I really am."

"What are you apologizing for? I shouldn't have brought it up." She shakes her head and walks over to the sink, dumping the remaining coffee down the drain.

"You deserve more than this," I admit before she turns to leave the kitchen. "More than me."

"You're exactly what I need," Victoria counters.

I shake my head and shoot her an honest look. "Am I, though? This is what you want? Someone who can only give you little pieces of himself on a good day and absolutely nothing of himself on a bad day?"

Victoria shakes her head, ready to make excuses for me again. "You've been through a lot, and I know you're going through -"

"This is who I am!" I interrupt, and the look on her face tells me I've finally gotten through to her. "I've gone through something. I'm healing through something, yes. But this is me, now."

"I accept that, Edward. I accept you any way I can." She swallows, and I can see the emotion pooling in her eyes.

"But it shouldn't be like that! You should be with someone you love. Not someone you have to accept."

"That's not what I meant," she corrects herself, but I reach out to hold both of her hands in my own.

"But it is what I meant. Being with me isn't fair to you, Victoria."

Her eyes close slowly, tears spilling beneath her eyelashes and falling down her alabaster cheeks.

"When has it?" She sniffles, wiping away the tears on her face. "Has it ever?"

"No," I pull her to me, her arms wrapping around my waist. "It hasn't. I'm so sorry."

"Do you know how long I've wanted this? Dreamed of this?" She shakes her head in disbelief. "The day when you look at me through sobriety and apologize for everything you've taken from me?"

There are times at the AA meetings where family and spouses are invited to partake in the healing process, and Victoria's words today echo their sentiments. Even though the end is imminent today, she's cried her goodbyes to me years ago when I was too lost in my demons to hear it.

"I wish I had been able to give it to you sooner," I tell her honestly, pulling away so I can wipe the tears from her eyes. "I'll always regret that."

She stares at me for a moment before crumpling into my arms. We stay there for a while, our goodbyes buried in our embrace in the kitchen. We know more needs to be said, and I'm sure those words will come after we've both cleared our heads in search of some clarity, but for now, this is enough.

Saying goodbye after the journey we've been on isn't easy.

But nothing between us ever has.

And the tears I cry when she leaves the apartment for the last time is what I need to remind myself what I am now.

Real.

—-m—-

Breaking up with Victoria proved to be the catalyst for whatever my subconscious was holding back from me. It seemed as if the second Victoria was out of my bed, Bella took her rightful place where she belonged.

Or so I think.

I spend the next several months searching for more clues from Bella, as she visits me most nights in my dreams. We talk in circles, snippets of information passed between slick skin and warm sheets, lost words leaving our lips among kisses that start before the last one ends.

But I wake up in the morning still without any solid answers to what Bella's arrival means. Or what she's trying to say.

While I've gained an understanding of the man I am now, I'm still lost when it comes to finding the missing piece to make me whole again.

In mid-September, I head down to the beach to talk to Emmett, hoping his spiritual guidance can point me in the right direction.

Like every morning, I find myself staring at the waves long before the rest of the world opens its eyes. Sitting on the sand, I let the early wind attempt to bring me to life - though I wonder if it's useless at this point.

Whatever life I have left here seems…colorless. Mundane.

Haven't I thrived on my own complacency for most of my adult life?

And now, the thought of staying here, living this life, makes me want to forget everything and just run.

To her.

To Bella.

I already know I can't. The logistical side of my brain tells me it's just not possible - how can I chase a ghost if I don't know where she is? More importantly, why am I even entertaining these thoughts in the first place?

It's the other side of my brain, the side that listens more to the musings of my heart than any rational thought, that reminds me why I keep going back to the girl in my dreams.

She's real, the voice in my head says, and keeps repeating until I'm so close to believing it. It makes any talk of logic seem unwanted and simply unbelievable.

Sighing, I rest my chin against my chest and close my eyes, hoping the lull of the waves and the wind off the ocean will answer some questions that run incessantly over and over in my mind.

But it doesn't.

Nothing stops the thoughts of her and us together from coming. If anything, the waves collapsing on the shore convinces me she's really here - that she's sitting here with me on the sand, and the soft trickle of her laugh casts a peace over me so real I can't imagine it ever being a figment of my imagination.

A seagull announces its presence above me, and when I open my eyes to see where the squawk is coming from, the image of Bella disappears completely.

And just like that, it's just me again. Me, on this beach without any answers, even though I know I'm on the cusp of finding a reason … a purpose, to all of this.

It hits me then how truly alone I am.

Emmett's gone and won't be coming back.

Victoria is gone as well, and I don't see that ever changing.

The only constant I have in my life, the one person who keeps coming back even when I don't deserve anything is Bella.

And I can't even find her.

"Where are you!" I scream to the open air; disturbing whatever innocence is left of the early morning quiet of the beach. I'm mad at myself - for both allowing myself to believe in something so strong and for not following my instincts to search to the ends of the earth for a girl I love with such intensity I don't have the words to give it the justice it deserves. My hands grip a handful of sand; my frustration channeled into the cool grains between my fingers. The wind blows through my hair just as I'm whispering to her, wherever she is. "Tell me where you are."

The gust of wind on the beach stings my eyes, and I shield the blowing sand with my arm until it stops. When I move my arm, everything is silent.

The wind, the waves, the seagulls. Even my relentless thoughts.

Through the silence, something a few steps away from me on the beach catches my eye. It glistens in the sand, and I'm drawn to it just like I'm drawn to Bella - with an undeniable force.

When I reach the object, I don't hesitate to pick it up and hold it delicately within my fingertips.

And when I do, I see it all.

I remember it all.

And she's found.

I'm fighting through memories, real memories, at a speed so fast I'm surprised I can keep up.

The only thing that slows me down is Rose calling my phone to tell me to hurry to the hospital.

I'm about to be an uncle.

WHAT DID EDWARD FIND IN THE SAND?! Let me know what you think :)