Where's Clyde?
First, there was an empty stage, upon which stood a lone chair.
Then there were sounds of struggle behind the red curtain, and with a sound of violent shoving, a young man was pushed onto the stage.
"Ugh, fine, you prick, I'll do it," he growled to someone invisible to the audience. He then looked to the crowd, surveying the masses. "Yeah, this'll do nicely."
He put his foot on the chair, grabbed the microphone, and began his presentation.
"Hello, my name is Otto. You might remember me from the original Archetypal story, in that chapter with all the clubs and stuff. Yeah, I was living life pretty good there as a Self-Insert Archetype...until some people didn't like it, and now I've been banished here! To this shitty side story that gets updated even less than the original! How is that fair?! I deserve so much better than this!"
He coughed briskly into his fist, taking a few seconds to cool down.
"Well, since I'm here, I might as well answer a question that the jackasses that write this story have been asked about once or twice...where is Clyde? Why's he not in the story?"
Otto chuckled, shaking his head. "Oh, dear readers...that's the thing: Clyde actually has been in the story the whole time."
Sounds of disbelief rise from the audience.
"No, no, it's true. You just didn't notice him, but that's by design. You see, in our AU, characters from the Owl House or whatever this show is called represent certain Archetypes. Like Lori is a Superhero, Leni is a Magical Girl, Sid is an Assassin, and so on and so on schniff. But super-powered characters like this are actually a relative rarity in this universe. The vast majority of people are what are known as Bystanders, which means they have no powers or magical abilities or anything like that."
Otto took a moment to peek at his palm, where he had copied all this trivia down from the Archetypal Tvtropes page. Seeing that he had gotten it right so far, he continued:
"But what you may not know is that there is a certain subset of Bystander known as Spectators. And these guys are special; they are so normal, so utterly unremarkable, that they manage to end up invisible and intangible. They are still there, but they cannot be seen or heard or touched. And to bring this all back around, that is what Clyde's Archetype is. He is a Spectator, and so even though he is in the story, both the reader and the other characters are completely unaware of his presence."
Noises of disbelief were coming up from the audience. They were beginning to think these were just lazy excuses.
"Oh, you think I'm fibbing? That I'm pulling your legs, that I'm telling tall tales?" said Otto indignantly. "Fine, I'll show you. Here are some of the best moments of Archetypal but from Clyde's perspective. Siege, pull that shit up."
…
It was the first day of Clyde's first semester at Archetype Academy, and he was as excited as he could be. He had woken up much earlier than he usually would (and he did usually wake up early) to make sure he was properly prepared to make a good first impression on his new teachers and classmates.
He showered twice, combed his hair, picked out his best clothes, wore his sharpest glasses, ate a good breakfast, prepared everything he could possibly need in his backpack, and left nearly an hour before he had to.
"Well dads, I'm off," he said as he closed the door behind him.
Neither of his parents responded, for they didn't notice him.
In fact, they didn't even know they had a son.
…
When Clyde saw his best buddy in the world Lincoln Loud arrive, he threw up his hand and waved at him. "Lincoln, over here!" he said, worried that his friend might not see him through the heavy crowd.
It seems that's exactly what happened, because Lincoln just went to lean on a wall and pulled out his smartphone. No problem; Clyde just went over to him.
"Hey Lincoln, good to see you again!" No response, he must've been really invested in what he was seeing on his phone. Clyde took a peak and saw that it was his sisters. They looked like they were fighting Husks at a cafe or something. Clyde counted Lynn, Leni, and…
"...L-L-Lori?"
Even the sight of her through a phone made Clyde dizzy. His nose erupted with blood, accidentally dousing Lincoln with the stuff. He didn't react, but Clyde knew that was just because he was being polite.
"Oh Lincoln, I'm so sorry," he said worriedly. "I'll go get a towel to keep us up."
He turned to find the bathroom, only to slip on his own blood. He hit the ground with a sickening crack, and then passed out.
…
"SHUT UP!"
The loud shout woke Clyde up. He looked around, confused for a moment...where was everybody? And why was the sky orange, the sun had already come up?
His eyes widened in horror as he realized that the sun wasn't rising...it was setting.
"Oh no, I completely missed my first day!"
Before he could panic too much, his attention was directed towards some people nearby, loudly talking at each other. "I'm the one who's talking, not you, asshole," said the same voice that had just shouted a moment ago.
Clyde realized he recognized that voice. "Is that...is that Ronnie Anne?"
He stood up and went over to them, and saw that it indeed was Ronnie Anne, glaring angrily at Lincoln while his little sister Lisa watched on. Clyde didn't know what was going on, but he knew those two could get into some bad fights sometimes, and he had to stop them right now.
"Guys, guys, what's the problem? I'm sure we can sort this out civilly," he said.
He watched as Ronnie Anne poked Lincoln in the chest and angrily said, "I used to think you were a good guy, Lincoln. A nerd and a wuss, yeah, but still a good guy. But now I know better, you...you...you...YOU BIG PERVERT!"
Clyde gasped. "Ronnie Anne, have you discovered Lincoln's hentai stash? Uh, he was actually holding them for me, don't be mad at him, he still thinks you're hotter than any futanari rabbit-girl."
His two friends still went back and forth, until Ronnie Anne dashed off, shouting, "I'm going to stop you from getting a harem, Lincoln, if it's the last thing I ever do!"
Once she was gone, Clyde put a comforting hand on Lincoln's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Lincoln. If you ever need anything...your best friend in the world is here for you. I'll never abandon you like she just did."
Lincoln's expression did not change.
…
"Oh boy, I sure love spending time at the mall...oh hey, is that Whitney? What is she...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
…
"Oh no, we're going to diiiiie!" shouted Clyde.
They were surrounded by Husks—him, Lincoln, Luna, and Sam. The Husks lurched towards them, evil intent glowing in their dull eyes. They were backed into a corner, with nowhere to run as the creatures came closer and closer.
"This is it, Linc!" said Clyde, trying his best to hold back the tears. "Before we go, let's think of our best moments together. Remember that time, on your birthday, when you had that bouncy house? Remember when I fell out and broke my leg? You, heh, didn't come help me up...come to think of it, you didn't even invite me to your party..."
It didn't seem like Lincoln was listening. Instead, he rubbed his hands together, his face nervous yet determined. "Right then," he muttered. "Let's try this again."
"And remember that time we went bowling together, and you forget to register my name on our alley? Yeah, it was a little annoying, not getting to play, but at least you and Chandler and Sid had fu—"
"Genre Shift!" shouted Lincoln.
Clyde wasn't sure what exactly was happening, but suddenly Lincoln had a guitar in his hands that he used to smash the head of his closest foe.
KABONG!
…
In a fiery field of corpses, where ashes fell from the dark skies like rain, stood a red-eyed Lincoln Loud, clad in black armor and crimson cape the color of blood. In front of him was a panting Girl Jordan, her clothes shredded, weakly holding out her sword in her trembling hands. Clyde was also there, watching them in horror.
"Lincoln, stop this!" he shouted. "You're better than this!"
"Lincoln, stop this!" shouted Girl Jordan. "You're better than this!"
"I mean, yeah, I just said that, but whatev—"
"Silence!" roared Lincoln in a voice that shook the heavens. "I tried to be better, Girl Jordan. But they wouldn't let me. They wouldn't let me be good. They wanted me to be a monster, a villain...I've only given them what they wanted."
A tear fell down her ashy face. "No...you're just making excuses..."
"It doesn't matter whether I am or not," he said coldly. "My armies are already marching the world. In every city, from Washington to Beijing, the flags of the old world are being torn down, and in their place, my glorious banner unites mankind. All the people of the earth shall be my harem."
"And what of those who refuse? What about people...like Stella…?"
Lincoln regarded her with antipathy. "I'll deal with them like I dealt with her."
Clyde gasped. "Lincoln, you can't. Buddy, it's not too late, we can still call this off and just go draw dicks on bathroom walls, huh? Just like the old days."
Girl Jordan grit her teeth, and her hold on her sword became steady. "I can't let you do this," she growled. "I'm the Hero, I will stop you."
"Is that so?" said Lincoln with a cruel smirk. "And what's to stop me from using my new unlocked powers to force you into my harem right now?"
"Uh, Lincoln, I'm pretty sure that's illegal. Remember what they taught us in health class, you need conse—"
"You won't be able to charm me," snarled Girl Jordan, "if I can't see you!"
She pointed her sword at herself, and dug its blade into her eye. She screamed as she slashed both of her eyes, Clyde screamed as he watched the blood spurt from her face…
…
"Wait, wait, Siege, stop, we haven't gotten to this part yet," said Otto suddenly, interrupting the presentation. The slideshow abruptly cut, the lights in the room turned back on, and Otto nervously rubbed the back of his neck.
"Heh...sorry about that folks. But uh, yeah, as you can clearly see, Clyde was present the whole time. And now that any doubts have been cleared up, feel free to move on to the next story. Until next time!"
Would You Like Fries With That?
"Hehehehe...Girl Jordan, your time has come!" shouted Stella before she broke into cackling maniacal laughter.
She had finally done it; she had come up with a most sinister and ingenious plan. It frightened her to even think about how truly evil she had to be to envision such mischief, let alone go through with it.
"But I did, and now I will," she said with a wicked giggle.
Her great enemy Girl Jordan lived in an apartment complex, and by a strange stroke of luck, the neighbors that lived in front of her had just moved out (they were complaining about seeing a demon girl slithering around, it was probably unrelated to anything). With gold stolen from the tomb of Moses' drowned pharaoh, Stella was able to purchase this room. It was difficult moving in all her stuff without Girl Jordan noticing, but it was worth it for this.
She stared at the door to Jordan's room through her peephole with a phone ready in hand. She dialed a number and bit back her laughter as she waited for the call's receiver to pick up.
"Hello, this is Burpin' Burger, may I take your order?"
"Yes, hi, I'd like to make an order for fifty Double Belchers," said Stella, her Cheshire cat grin widening by the second.
"Oof, having a big party, huh? Would you like fries with that?"
"Double loaded fries, with each burger."
Then she gave them Girl Jordan's address, and allowed herself another cruel bout of laughter.
It took them about forty-five minutes to make it up the elevator. When she finally saw the delivery boy appear in the hall lugging more bags of food than he could easily handle, she couldn't help but clap her hands in glee.
"Ha ha ha, ho ho ho, today you meet destiny, Girl Jordan!"
She quieted down as the delivery boy finally rang the doorbell. Moments later, the door opened, and out emerged Girl Jordan. Stella had to cover her mouth to keep from bursting out in loud laughter.
"Ma'am, your 50 Double Belcher meals are here."
For a moment, a look of confusion passed over Girl Jordan's face. Stella eagerly pressed her eye to her peeping hole, ready to watch as her great enemy threw herself on the ground and cried to the heavens over her plight.
But then…
"Okay, sure, just bring them in here," said Girl Jordan coolly. She helped the young man bring the warm bags into her apartment, and when they were done, Girl Jordan held up a credit card. "You do take credit card, right?"
"Yes ma'am."
"What...what?!" gasped Stella from her apartment. "Why is she not crying right now, that's so much money! Why is she not even questioning this order?!"
When the delivery boy departed and Girl Jordan closed her door, it was Stella who was left upset. She gnashed her teeth and felt them grinding against each other.
She had been made a fool of. Her plan to prank that hated Girl Jordan had failed.
"No...I haven't failed yet."
She opened the phone again and dialed another number.
"Is this Aloha Comrade? Yes, get me 100 Khrushchev's Corn-on-the-Tiki-Totem and as many bottles of pineapple juice as you have."
When the delivery boy arrived this time, Stella was sure that Girl Jordan would realize that she had been made a mockery of.
"Yummy yummy, corn, my favorite. Here's my credit card."
"No!" shouted Stella, before she remembered she was supposed to stay undetected. Cursing her horrible enemy, she pulled up a list of Royal Woods restaurants and scrolled through, her eyes narrowing as she did.
She would not be defeated.
…
"Jean Juan's, here's your 70 spaghetti tacos."
"Well, the FDA does say we need to eat a lot of grain."
"Banger's and Mosh, ere's your bangers and mash."
"Those should be pretty good if you guys named yourselves after them."
"Spunk E.'s Pizza, here's your pizza."
"Hopefully the taste's better than the name."
And every single time, without confusion or worry or anguish or disgust:
"Here's my credit card."
…
When she heard a knock at the door again, Girl Jordan half-expected it to be another delivery boy. Instead, what she found at the door was a very unhappy Stella.
"Why?" she instantly asked. The poor Dark Lord looked like she was on the verge of tears. "Why did you accept all that food? Why didn't you just break into tears when you realized that you had been pranked, renounce every thing good and holy that you've ever upheld, and bring fire and devastation to a world that allowed so much of your money to be taken from you?"
"Because Stella," said Girl Jordan with a light smile, "I was expecting you."
"Wh-what?"
Girl Jordan stepped out of the doorway, and gestured to the inside of her apartment. "Why don't you come inside?"
Stella reluctantly did.
The first thing she noticed about the Hero's apartment was how...tranquil it was. The energy here was different than in her room. It didn't feel overbearing or fiery, it felt like a nice place where someone could catch their breath at the end of a hard day. Stella herself inhaled and exhaled deeply, sighing as she noted in the air the faint traces of lavender, mint, and...meat?
"Come with me," said Girl Jordan, grabbing Stella by her hands. Stella tried to object, but realized how nice Girl Jordan's hands felt.
Not too soft, not too hard, and really nice and warm.
Girl Jordan brought Stella into the dining room, where Stella's eyes widened as she gazed at the marvel before her. A long, mahogany table, with many fine dishes sitting on the top. And on each dish was food from one of the restaurants Stella had ordered from.
"Um...Jordan?"
"How about we make a game out of this?" said Girl Jordan.
"A game?"
The Hero nodded. "If you can't eat everything on the table, then you have to pay me for all the food you ordered."
"Ahaha, so you knew it was me...wait, no, I don't want to pay for this, there's no way I could ever—"
"But if you do manage to eat it all," continued Girl Jordan, undeterred, "then not only will you not have to pay for a single fry, but I will aid you in your quest to take over the world."
"Wait...you're kidding, right? You would team up with me?"
Girl Jordan nodded. "If you eat it all, I'll become your loyal servant and help you march on the universe if you so desired."
Hearing this, Stella's face broke into a wide, shining smile. Her eyes brimmed with tears. Her hands clasped together at her breast, and she could feel her heart racing with the force of a thousand chariots.
"J-Jordan...I...I..."
She brushed the tears from her eyes and returned to her normal confident smirk. "Very well, foolish Girl Jordan. I will conquer this dinner table, then I will conquer you, and then I will conquer the world! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Oh, you'll conquer me?" said Girl Jordan with a light smile.
"Sh-shut up, you know what I meant. Now, watch me feast!"
…
Two days later, Stella awoke from a coma to find two hefty bills waiting for her. One for the orders, and one for the hospital.
She never ordered take-out again.