A/N: Sorry this update is late...
In all honesty I'm feeling defeated. The last couple chapters have had very little reviews on them. And I'm not blaming anyone but myself. I see so many successful stories on this couple and I just feel like a failure. So I'm at the point where I feel like it's not even worth the time anymore. I love and appreciate all of you who have stuck with me through this. I'm just finding that there are SO many great writers on here, and in comparison to them I'm just a dud...
I leave you with an update. Not sure when I'll be back. I just need a moment to figure myself out. Writing has always been a passion of mine. But it also creates a lot of anxiety. With every review I get I worry what people think. And then when I don't get very many it makes me really self-conscious. It almost eats me alive. And it shouldn't. So for the sake of my mental well being I need a break.
I'm sorry... I hope you enjoy this update regardless.
The next week and a half were busy yet long. I had to go back to LA to do another job that I had previously booked before knowing about the pregnancy. It was fine because I needed to go back and start packing things anyway.
My realtor was sending me houses constantly while I was gone, seeing what I was interested in looking at when I got back. I was hoping the next time I came back to my place in LA I'd be packing the rest of the place up and driving back home.
"You knocked her up?" Ric choked on his drink, coughing repeatedly in disbelief. I had headed to the bar after an exhausting day filled with packing boxes.
I simply nodded as I sipped slowly on my bourbon.
"Damn, that sucks," he chuckled.
"Actually," I searched for the words I was feeling. "It's not how I'd thought I'd feel."
"What… Are you happy?" Ric looked at me in disbelief.
"I'm… ok with it," I shrugged. "I'm scared to death," I admitted. "I never thought I'd become a dad. And now that I am…" saying the word dad out loud was still weird. "It'll be good."
"Think you'll get Elena back?" He asked.
I swallowed hard. "I am not on her good side right now," I shook my head. "I'll be lucky if she'll consider me a friend, when this is all said and done."
"You're lucky you can say she's an ex," Ric shook his head in disbelief. "Seriously man… she is way out of your league."
"I know," I sighed.
"Don't mess it up man," Ric warned me. "Once she's not all cooped up being pregnant, every man in the surrounding area is going to"-
"Don't say it," I held up a finger. "I don't even want to imagine it."
I sighed, "Anyways," I changed the subject. "Looks like I'm getting out of this hell hole of a city, and I'll only be back to work once a month."
"Well, I'm sure going to miss this," Ric gestured to our drinks. "You're the only relatively normal person I've met here."
"I don't know that I'd call myself normal," I contemplated.
"You're right," he chuckled. "You're the first person I met that doesn't make me want to blow my brains out."
"Touche," I smirked before finishing off my drink. "Well, you can get out too man."
"I should," he sighed heavily.
"Do it," I encouraged him. "Life's too short to be miserable."
Time seemed to escape me. I was busy moving into a new home and working at the club. I had my monthly travel plans for photography all scheduled out for the next four months. I stopped over at Elena's every chance I had. I texted her every morning and called her every night to check on her.
She kept me at arm's length. More than that… She kept me at such a far distance I was unable to read her. I felt like I knew her so well before, and now I had no idea how she was feeling. She was kind to me, even though I didn't deserve it. But she gave me no more than that. Her texts were always short. When I talked to her on the phone, she was informative when it came to the baby, but she drew the line there. She didn't want to talk about anything else. She was very guarded. And when I saw her in person she was always distracted. Cleaning her house, or cooking dinner. She was always doing something.
Perhaps that's why I couldn't read her. I was used to looking in her eyes and knowing what she was thinking. I was used to reading her expression, whether it was that adorable blushing or the slight frown she did. But now she kept all contact to almost non-existent.
I didn't blame her. I hurt her, and she wanted nothing to do with me. Only now things were complicated. We shared a child together, and she wasn't even here yet. We had a responsibility to be the best parents we could be, while living separately.
I felt defeated knowing our daughter was already entering the world with parents that weren't together. A family that was already ripped apart. She didn't even get a chance at a normal family. And that destroyed me. It was my fault. If I would've stuck around long enough to find out Elena's pregnant, I would've never left in the first place.
But I couldn't change things. And perhaps that was the price I had to pay for being an ass. I just wish our daughter didn't have to pay for my mistakes too.
The elevator dinged as I reached the third floor. I was meeting Elena at the clinic for her 20-week appointment. Apparently, it was a pretty big appointment. We would get to see our baby in an ultrasound for an hour, and then it was followed up by a doctor appointment. I was feeling all kinds of different emotions, and I was struggling to pinpoint the one that made me feel jittery. I was excited, nervous, anxious…
I stepped out of the elevator and scanned the room. There was a front desk in front of me. Off to the right were hallways leading to doctor offices and the lab. When I looked to the left, I spotted the waiting area, and there Elena was sitting in a chair, zoned out as she absentmindedly chewed on the tip of her thumb nail.
I made my way over to her, glad I still got here with five minutes to spare. I still had a lot to prove to Elena and responsibility was one of them. I wanted her to see she could count on me for anything. And when I tell her I'll be somewhere I'll be there.
She told me about this appointment two weeks ago and she never mentioned a word about it again. I don't know if she was hoping I'd forget, or if it was a test.
She looked up, when I sat down next her. Her eyes widened in surprise, as she looked at me.
"You excited?" I asked her. Trying to ignore the stabbing in my stomach because she was surprised to see that I showed up.
"Uh," I could tell she was trying to process everything. "Yeah," she shook her head. "A little nervous."
"Me too," I took a second to look around. There were a lot of women in the waiting room, with various sizes of baby bumps. Some were alone, and some had a friend or husband with them.
"I wasn't sure if you'd remember," she spoke softly.
"I've been looking forward to this," I looked at her. "of course, I remembered."
She quickly looked away from me, not willing to hold eye contact for more than 2 seconds.
A short woman with glasses called Elena's name, and we both followed her down a short hallway into a dark room. The room had a patient bed, that adjusted like a recliner. A machine that I could only guess was the ultrasound machine. A TV monitor and another chair, next to the bed.
"I'm Annie," She smiled at Elena. "I'll be doing your ultrasound today. You can have a seat on the bed," she gestured for Elena to get comfortable. "And you can have a seat next to her," she looked at me.
Elena laid down on the bed, which was reclined about halfway so she was slightly upright. "I'll just have you roll up your shirt and roll down your pants so I can have full access to your belly," she smiled kindly at Elena as she typed some information into the computer.
Elena glanced at me for a brief second with uncertainty as she carefully pulled her t-shirt up and tucked it under the bottom of her bra.
I rolled my eyes as she acted all embarrassed. I'd seen her naked for heaven's sake. I'd seen more of her than probably anyone, and she was nervous to expose her stomach to me?
I watched as she rolled the band of her leggings down, her hands slightly shaky.
"Relax," I whispered so only she could hear. "I have pictures on my phone that reveal more of you, than this."
She snapped her head towards me, and that fire burned behind her eyes. It was similar to the time she slapped me, and I couldn't help but crack a smile. I loved getting that reaction out of her. "Watch it," she warned. "Or I'll kick you out of here."
My smile faded just a little. I didn't want to miss out on this, but she was so fun to tease. So, I decided to be good, and just kept my mouth shut.
The ultrasound lady stood up and tucked a towel into Elena's pants, as she explained what she would be doing. She squirted a ton of jelly on her stomach and then put the device on her skin and started moving it around.
The TV screen caught my attention, as black and white images morphed into shapes on the screen. After several seconds the image settled and even, I was able to tell what I was looking at. It was a side profile of our daughter. I could clearly see her head, her nose her lips. I was able to see her little legs and feet into the air. "Wow," I said out loud.
The ultrasound tech, smiled at Elena and I, "That's your baby."
Her words sunk in, as I realized I was looking at my child. Our child. I looked over at Elena, who was in awe staring at the screen in front of her. She had tears in her eyes, and a smile on her face as she memorized every detail of the image in front of her.
My heart tugged as I thought of what Elena was doing for us. She was growing a human being inside of her. She dealt with the nausea, and the fatigue. And soon she would feel the pains of it taking up more space inside of her. She would go through labor, and from what I hear that is not easy. She would have to recover from her body growing and expanding. She was going to have many more aches and pains that I would never understand. And knowing that… made me love her on a completely different level.
Elena must have felt me staring because she looked at me. Her lips frowned slightly as she studied my face. And then she reached out, and I was so surprised by the gesture that I almost flinched away. But then her hand settled on my cheek, "are you crying?"
And then I realized why she was looking at me like that. I felt the moisture spill over the lid of my left eye, and I leaned my head into her hand, so that she didn't see it. "Damon," I felt her hand brush away the fallen tear.
"Don't," I chuckled, trying to mask the sudden emotion that was overwhelming me. "Don't make this weirder than it already is."
I grabbed her hand that was on my cheek and pulled it away so that I could take her hand between my two larger ones. "Thank you," I kissed her hand.
"For what?" She sniffled.
"For all of it," I shrugged. "Going through all of this."
She smiled briefly before taking her hand back. She shifted slightly as she turned back to the monitor. She went back to being distant. I could almost physically feel her pushing me away. And every time it was like a stab to the gut… but I get it.
I was thankful she was allowing me to be here. I needed this.
The ultrasound tech walked us through all of it. She showed us every organ, measured every limb, and counted every finger and toe. The rest of the ultrasound was hard for me to know what I was looking at, so I was glad someone knew what they were doing because I was lost.
It was fun every time she'd zoom out and we'd get to see her yawn or suck her thumb. I was surprised that at 20 weeks, she was able to do things already. I mean, Elena was only halfway through the pregnancy yet, the baby looked so developed already. But when the ultrasound tech told us she was only over a pound I understood why she needed more time to grow.
After we left the appointment, I never felt more excited for something in my life. I also never felt more terrified. I had the task of raising a little girl to be happy, healthy, and loved. That was big. It was immense. But I knew one thing, and one thing that would never change. I loved her already. And I was sure I'd figure out the rest later.