James, October - November, 1977
September and most of October passed in a haze of Quidditch, Head duties, romance, and marauding for James. (With a little bit of duelling with Snape, but Sirius and James had agreed not to mention this to Lily. They knew it would upset her to know that Snape was still trying to bait James into fights, and that it was working.)
A particular upside to being Head Boy meant that no one apart from Snape seemed to want mess with James or his friends too much this year - not even Regulus was brave, (or more likely, stupid) enough. At first James had been flummoxed by it - he'd spent years getting into fights, and spent years hearing the most Blood Purist Slytherins talking about Lily. But now they were silent?
It had been Sirius who had pointed out that now Lily and James had a direct line to Dumbledore. "With the war ramping up, they're probably keeping a low-ish profile. Makes sense, doesn't it? Voldemort's all about secrecy. No one really knows who's fighting for him. If you two are telling Dumbledore every week who's showing Death Eater tendencies, he'd be able to stop them straight away they finish school. Easier to go under the radar with you two and just terrorise the younger students."
And he was right - James was seeing an increase in younger years coming to him, complaining about particular Slytherins in his year. But all he could do was report them to the staff - Dumbledore had ordered Lily and himself to do nothing more than take away House points or give detentions. Which seemed fair, he supposed. But he wanted to do more.
And he wasn't just worried for the students inside the castle. Every week James and his friends read about more attacks or disappearances in The Daily Prophet and/or, watched as their schoolmates were pulled out of classes to tell them that a family member was injured, missing, or worse. And every day James stared at Sirius while he checked the Missing Persons' list to see if Bess' name had moved from 'Presumed Missing' to anything more sinister.
He wished there was more he could do to help Sirius, but his friend just didn't want to talk about his situation too much - deciding to instead talk about the war as a whole, and their role in ending it. If it weren't for the fact that Sirius still refused to be in a room with anyone who mentioned or reminisced about Bess, James would have thought he was coping well.
But even with this, James knew that deep down, there was no way that Sirius was coping. Not just because Sirius was avoiding the topic of Bess, but also because James had Lily. Which meant that he could sit and imagine a scenario where she was ripped away from him. He could imagine an ounce of Sirius' pain.
He hadn't lied when he'd told Lily that he hoped he went first. If Voldemort murdered them... he would have to be selfish. Because he wouldn't be able to live in a world without Lily, not for one second. At least if he went first it might give her a head start... she might get out alive.
He'd only let himself think about that scenario once since they'd come back to Hogwarts. It had been on a rainy afternoon when he'd carved out an hour to do nothing - he'd been in the shower and had found himself thinking about nothing, and everything. And before he'd known what was happening, he was sobbing. Just the thought of losing her had drained him mentally, emotionally and physically. He had no idea how Sirius was still going.
But Sirius was. He was still getting up every day and going through the motions. And as they always did, the Marauders rallied around each other, taking it in turns to make sure Sirius was having an okay day. Not that he responded well to their, as he called it, "Misplaced mollycoddling."
And on the whole, that was right. James had noticed that Sirius' happiest days seemed to come in the aftermath of a full moon - the two or three days following the moon, when he would exhaust himself in dog form.
But on two specific days, Sirius broke. James decided to call the first terrible day, 'Black Sunday', since Sirius went missing for the entirety of the day and only resurfaced halfway through the next. Black Sunday, or "Mixed-Race Sunday", as Lily pointed out Bess would have preferred he call it, was the 23rd October (Bess' birthday).
And then... well, if Bess' birthday had been 'Mixed-Race Sunday', then Sirius' birthday was 'Black Thursday'.
James tried everything to try and cheer Sirius up and make his 18th birthday a happy one.
When Sirius woke up, James presented him with his gifts, and made him wear a small crown.
For breakfast, the Great Hall was decked out as usual, and students stopped by to wish Sirius a happy birthday. But Sirius barely paid any of them attention.
Classes were a write off, and when Peter mentioned that there might be a party, Sirius locked himself in the dorm and refused to come out. When Remus got past all of the spells Sirius had put on the door, they'd found the window open, Marauder's Map gone, and Sirius' motorcycle missing.
When Sirius returned in the early hours of the morning with a giant bruise across his cheek, a cut lip, and limping, James said nothing. He simply handed his friend a pain potion, healed his bruising and lip, and sent him off to bed with one of Remus' bars of chocolate. The next day, Sirius went back to being himself, and no students or teachers (apart from the Marauders and Lily) were any the wiser.
Normally, James would have dobbed Sirius in to his mum, but James couldn't do that right now. Euphemia had been a bit ill over the summer and hasn't fully recovered by the time Bess had disappeared. The shock and worry that history would repeat itself and James would die, was too much for her. She'd been taken ill again, and still hadn't fully recovered.
"She's on the mend," Fleamont had told James in a letter, "but she's needs more rest. And you know your mum. A dragon wouldn't stop her. It's a big all, I know, but try not to get into any trouble for a few weeks? She's too worried an owl will bring bad news."
So James wasn't bothering his parents with his worries - every letter was happy and upbeat. He just didn't want to burden them further. But his mum was on the mend, that was the main thing.
So instead of dobbing Sirius in, he thought about it properly, and realised that he just had to get Sirius through the 8th of November, and they'd be on the home straight to Christmas, and he could stop worrying about him so much.
And Merlin knew James needed the headspace freed up - he had Lily's sister's wedding to attend over the Christmas break and he's already been given a list as long as his arm of things he wasn't allowed to mention.
xXx
Peter, November, 1977
Four days after Sirius' birthday, on the 7th November, Peter stood at his trunk, refolding his clothes. It was something he did to pass the time when he was bored, and for the past few months, whenever he found himself alone with Sirius, he found himself bored. His eyes flickered to Sirius, who was lounging on his bed with his hands behind his back, staring at the ceiling.
"What're you doing?" Peter asked, pairing two multicoloured socks and rolling them into a ball.
"Practicing," Sirius said in a monotone voice.
"For what?"
"Azkaban," Sirius replied.
Peter dropped his socks. "What?"
Then, Sirius looked at him. At first, his face remained calm and expressionless, and then the corners of his lips raised up, and he chuckled, then laughed. "Merlin, Wormy! I'm studying!"
"What?"
Sirius rolled his eyes and beckoned Peter over. Intrigued, the shorter boy ran over and ducked his head into Sirius' bed, staring up at the canopy. It was covered in notes, pages of books which he supposed Sirius had genimo'd, moving pictures, and hand-drawn pictures of the grounds of Hogwarts. He knew Sirius was secretly artistic - Sirius had said that his mother had insisted that, "All good Pureblood heirs should draw, have a musical talent, dance, and be seen, not heard," while James, Peter and Remus had watched him sketch out parts of the castle for the Marauder's Map - but he'd not seen his portraits like this.
His eye was caught by a particularly beautiful photo of Bess immediately above Sirius' pillow. In the photo, Bess turned to look over her uncovered shoulder - she was wearing an off the shoulder top - to smile out at the two boys. She winked, before she turned back to stare out of the window of Sirius' flat again, taking a sip of wine. Sirius waved his wand and the drawings and photos disappeared before the picture-Bess could repeat her circuit.
"Whoa," was all Peter could say as his eyes trailed over the information and recognised intricate, hard to achieve Transfiguration, Charms, and Defence spells. "How long've you been doing this?"
"Since the first day of term. Can't go to the library, it'd ruin my reputation, and the Common Room's too... stare-y," Sirius replied, sighing as he moved his hands to settle on his chest.
Peter knew what he meant - people stared at Sirius wherever he went. Girls (and some boys) stared out of lust, some stared out of pity, and others, who had lost their own loved ones, stared at him out of a sense of comradery in their sadness. Sirius seemed to hate the latter the most.
"I thought you were just having alone time..." Peter said quietly, still staring upwards.
Sirius chuckled. "Makes sense. You've been folding the same pile of washing for three days straight. Did they leave you in charge of making sure I don't disappear again?"
Peter's eyes widened slightly and he stepped back, staring down at Sirius. "No..." he said, entirely unconvincingly. "It's just... well... today's..." He didn't need to finish - they both knew that today should have been Sirius and Bess' one year anniversary. "Uh- well, Remus had prefect duties after class, and then James is-"
"Basically running the whole school?" Sirius asked with a proud smile. "Don't worry, Worm, I don't care. Babysit me if you want. Send information back to James. I don't care. Just sorry you're having to stay in the dorm."
"Not much to do after class anyway. Not with Moon and Prongs doing rounds," Peter replied awkwardly. He bit his lip and hovered for a moment. "Uh- while we're chatting... I was wondering- no, nothing."
"What?" Sirius asked, his tone changing to betray his slight annoyance at Peter's hovering.
"I'm- well,... I- I- nothing."
"Worm, spit it out would you? You're ruining my flow," Sirius sighed, swinging his legs round and resting his elbows on his thighs.
"You miss her... And... well, I get it, but you... I dunno, if- look, it doesn't matter. I know you said you don't want to talk about it," Peter said. He ducked his head and walked back over to his bed.
"For Merlin's- Wormy, it's fine. Please continue," Sirius replied with a sigh.
Peter was surprised. Sirius was opening up to him. He was trusting him, and maybe... just maybe if Peter could get some more information out of Sirius, he would get into James' good books again - he'd managed to annoy James just that morning by revealing that he'd told someone what perfume Lily wore. He'd forgotten how annoyed Sirius had been when he'd told someone about Bess' perfume...
"I- er- well, you've been different for the past few months... And I was just wondering... Well, you only knew her for a year. And if seems like a load of fucked up stuff happened and now you're moping around and she's off being... well, she's missing, and it's just... I dunno. You only knew her for a year. Did she really change your life that much? Like... I- I don't really get it."
"What? I- what don't you understand about it?" Sirius asked quietly. "A year is a long time. I just..." Sirius looked confused. "What don't you get?"
"I- I dunno. I guess it's different... I can't get my head around it all I guess? Like... a year's a short amount of time really... Would you be like this if one of your ex's went missing? Should... Should I be like this if Jennifer went missing?"
Peter grimaced at the look on Sirius' face, and closed his eyes. He didn't know how else to explain it, but he just wanted to understand.
There was silence for over a minute, and then Sirius spoke, his voice sounded unnaturally even, as though he was forcing himself to be calm. "There are only four- wait," he stopped to think, and then shook his head, his black hair flying around before falling back into his eyes. "Five. There are only five people who I've ever given a damn about in my life. You, Moony, Prongs, I'm adding Lily to that list, and then there's Bess... look, I would die for all of you. I would," Sirius repeated, nodding. "Only, now there's only four of you around. To me, Bess was... she was mine. And I was hers. And now she's gone..." Sirius looked up and Peter grimaced - he still didn't completely understand. "Okay... I'll try and put it into context for you, mate. Who do you love?"
Peter frowned. He wondered if he'd ever truly been in love like Sirius seemed to be. No, he decided. Not even with Jennifer, who he'd taken to the last Hogsmeade trip and spent most of the half term break kissing. No, he wasn't in love with her, he decided. Would he ever love her like that? No. He didn't think so.
"And who would you die for?" Sirius asked, after he'd given Peter a minute to think.
Peter stared up at Sirius, his eyes wide, mouth dropped open, as he contemplated his words.
He'd never thought about that before. Who would he die for? His mother's face came to mind. He loved her, definitely. But would he die for her? Maybe... yeah. He frowned. Anyone else? Would he die for anyone else? Peter's thoughts redirected, and James, Sirius and Remus' faces popped into his head. Would he die for them? His first thought was yes, he would. But then the little voice at the back of his head asked, really? And then the chill of panic began to rise up his spine.
What would his friends say if his answer was no? His eyes snapped to Sirius', and he took in a deep breath. He would have to lie. "It's just my mum and you guys, I think," Peter said.
Sirius didn't see through his lie. Not many people could...
"Right," Sirius continued. "Now imagine that one of those people was being tortured by someone to get information. Or was on the edge of dying. Or was dead. And you were sitting in a cushy bed in a castle, learning all of the spells that could have protected them. Imagine that your heart hurts when you wake up, and that the only thing that makes you feel alive is going outside the castle and trying to find some information to try and help the Order bring an end to the war."
Nothing... Peter felt... well, he didn't feel nothing, he just knew he didn't feel the emotions he was meant to in this moment. It wasn't that he didn't care, he just... he just... there were worse things out there than the feeling he'd have if he lost someone he loved. The red eyes of You-Know-Who - of death - popped into his head, and he grimaced, shutting his eyes tightly to try and get those eyes out of his mind. But it was too late. You-Know-Who scared the bejesus out of him.
It's why he'd been so surprised when Bess had said that she was more scared of rats than You-Know-Who. He didn't think anyone could be. She must have been lying.
Peter gulped and waited exactly five seconds before he let out a long breath and sat down on his bed, making sure to bounce a couple of times and contort his face into one of thoughtfulness as he stared at Sirius' shoes.
"Yeah," Sirius asked, tilting his head. "That's how I feel all the time. D'you understand now?"
Peter slowly raised his eyes to Sirius', and nodded once, twice, three times. "Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah, I get it now."
Only... he didn't. He didn't get it at all. But he wanted Sirius to believe that he did. Because if Sirius thought like that, then he was sure that James and Remus did as well. And Peter didn't want them to find out.
Sirius smiled and shook his head, letting his hair fly out at all angles. When he stopped, it fell elegantly across his eyes and down to meet his collarbone. "You know what's ridiculous? Bess always says that talking helps. Let's you get out of your own head for a little bit. She's right. I feel a bit better... So uh... thanks, mate."
Peter blushed. Sirius didn't normally thank him for things. He normal chastised him for doing something wrong. Flustered, he said the first thing that came to mind. "Your hair's too long."
Sirius barked out a laugh and stood up. "Merlin, Pete, say it how it is why don't you?"
"Sorry."
"No, it's refreshing, everyone else is tiptoeing around me," Sirius replied. "And you're right. Bess would hate it this long..." he said, pulling on his hair and frowning. "Fancy a trip to Hogsmeade? Get this barnet fixed? I'll buy you all the sugar mice you can eat."
Peter felt relief flood his senses and he nodded eagerly. He really didn't want to talk about Bess right now, and this was Sirius changing the subject. "Yeah. Sounds great," he replied with a grin.
It wasn't that Peter hadn't liked Bess. She was pleasant enough, beautiful... and they got along fine enough... he even considered her a friend... but she took Sirius away from the Marauders too often... always seemed to have her own agenda... and worst of all, she was the only person who seemed to be able to tell when he was lying or twisting the truth. Too many times he'd said something and she'd sent a look his way. He could only describe it as a look of knowing.
And Peter hated that.
"Right, James still has the map, so shall we go the Whomping Willow route? Doubt many people'll be out in this weather," Sirius said, nodding to the window which was covered in lashes of sideways rain. He began rifling through his trunk, and emerged seconds later with a t-shirt and jumper.
Peter grabbed his jacket and practically ran to the door. He'd not been on a solo adventure with Sirius since... well, since Bess had arrived at Hogwarts. But just as he reached it, it opened.
"Uh... where're you two off to?" Remus asked suspiciously, walking into the room followed by a tired looking James.
"Hogsmeade for haircut and a drink. You coming?" Sirius asked, finishing the laces on his boots.
James looked shocked for a split second, and then grinned. "Definitely!"
xXx
Three hours later, Peter was sat in the corner of a booth in The Three Broomsticks, tucking in to a large slice of steak and kidney pie.
"Ugh, I really did find a foreign object in my pie once, Pete..." Sirius said in disgust.
"Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Doesn't stop this being de-li-cious though..." Peter replied with a grin, stabbing a large piece of steak with his fork.
"You really will eat anything..." James added.
"Side effect of being a rat I'd say," Sirius replied in a disgusted tone.
"Like you can talk," James laughed. "You were so hungry after the last moon you said you'd eat a rat if you had to."
Peter gasped. "How dare you!"
Sirius' reply was to bark out a laugh as he began shifting out of the booth. "Yeah, I'm not staying for this. Refill?" he asked, and nodded to the boys as he took their orders.
When Sirius walked over to the bar, Peter sighed deeply and placed his cutlery down. He picked up a chip and began tearing it to pieces.
"Are we gonna talk about the fact that Pads could've cut his hair in the dorm?" Remus asked quietly, his eyes on the back of Sirius' freshly trimmed hair.
"Nah. He needs to be here tonight," James replied.
"Why?" Peter asked, realising he was missing something big.
"Second time he saw her was here. We're all in the same seats we were then. Probably thinks if he stares at the door long enough she'll walk through," Remus sighed, tucking his thumb into his place in his book. "I fucking wish she would."
"Oi. Werewolves not swearwolves, yeah?" James said with a laugh, causing Remus to break out in a gigantic smile.
They lapsed into silence for a moment, the smiles falling from their faces, and Peter went back to tearing up his chips one by one.
"You okay there, Worm?" Remus asked, placing his book down on the table.
"Yeah, just thinking," Peter replied.
"About what?" James asked, looking around the bar for signs of teachers or other rule-breaking students. Remus went back to watching Sirius, who was in the process of paying.
"Well... I guess... I guess the war... I was talking to Sirius earlier and... and it takes a lot of guts to go up against You-Know-Who... and sometimes you have to turn your back on your family and stuff, don't it? Or against... against people you think are your family, right?" Peter asked, frowning at his tumbler of juice now.
"Merlin. That's dark," James replied. "But yeah... I think it takes a lot of courage to decide to forge your own path no matter what, you know? Leaving your friends and family behind and deciding to take a different route in life... can't blame anyone for wanting to survive this war."
"Yeah, I thought so too," Peter replied, sitting back in his chair.
Courage.
It took courage - and not cowardice - to be strong, and forge your own path. To survive whatever the cost.
And if Peter did want to survive the war, he would need to continue to do what he'd done since first year - adapt. Know more secrets than the next person, and prove himself to be useful to the right people. Because the idea of not surviving the war terrified him. Maybe that was why his animagus was a rat... Because he would do anything to survive.
He just hoped that James, Sirius and Remus were the ones who he could continue to be with, continue to fight alongside, and that Dumbledore had a hope of winning the war. Because Peter didn't want to be on the losing side. Not anymore.
He didn't for one second think that James had been talking about Sirius, and that the courage to say no to your family who were spewing hatred... the courage to try to be good... that courage and self-preservation was admirable.
xXx
A/N: it's a little late and not as long as I wanted, but here it is! Next chapter will be Remus' POV, and then... Bess!
Sorry for any spelling errors, I'm writing on my phone again!
Thanks so much to Momochan, BlueHairedRaven, peggy77, CharlotteGryffindor, Belle Charzar, Ghost Claw 001, AvalonRivers, KEZZ1 for your lovely reviews!
I'll get on replying to the ones which I can and I'll have them all answered by Sunday Eve. I really appreciate your patience!