Agnes

Part 10

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Don was tired. The summer was in full swing and he had been on vacation with Agnes for 10 days and he was feeling like an exhausted camp counselor. She didn't stop from morning until bedtime and normally his vacation was relaxing. Aram had suggested Disney World, but that made Don want to gauge his eyes out. The idea of walking around with dressed up characters in the heat was not his idea of a vacation, usually his vacation involved going to a cabin and spending time fishing or hunting or hiking.

Don sat with a beer in his hand blindly watching another Disney movie, this one about Scottish girl who seemed to have some little shits as brothers. It was late but Agnes was still tuned up at bedtime and Don didn't want to go to battle with her about going to bed. It just seemed easier to let her watch the movie until she was knocked out.

They hadn't heard from Liz in three weeks. He had posted videos about Agnes, sent messages to Liz, and received nothing back. He was seriously worried about her, seriously worried she was hurt, or captured, or lying dead in a ditch somewhere. He'd reached out to Reddington about a week in, and he had put his ear to the ground to see if there was any news. None. Two weeks in, Reddington had sent out more feelers, asking for more intel from his underground network of criminals. Nothing yet. Now, three weeks in, Don had sent out, without Cooper's consent, an Interpol request for anonymous hospital and morgue admissions in Europe fitting Liz's description. Three dozen responses had come in, but after his stomach dropping and looking at the images shared, he was relived none of them were Liz. He had come up with nothing.

Don knew his level of tired was partially because of Agnes' busy days of playing, parks, swimming at the local outdoor pool, baseball, and splash pads. But his level of tired was also due to the sleepless nights he'd been having. He spent a few hours each night scouring news feeds for anything Liz may be involved in. He had contacted a ridiculous amount of European police units about car accidents, a train derailment, and plane crash to determine that she was not involved in any of those. Don was also having nightmares about her being tortured, killed, raped, or dying a slow painful death alone. It was hard, at times like this, to respect her ability to take care of herself, her independence, her power. He, selfishly, wanted to bubble wrap her and save her. He knew she could and would save herself, but during his sleepless nights, he wanted to be a chauvinistic man and just take charge and tell her to get her ass home.

He looked at Agnes falling asleep at the other end of the sofa in her pjs and trying desperately to keep her eyes open.

Don smiled at her, any time now she would be asleep and he'd wait another ten minutes and then carry her to her bed.

"Merida's mummy is gone too," Agnes said softly.

Don didn't know the movie and wasn't sure what happened with her the mother in the film; he hadn't really been paying attention.

"Her mum will come back, just like yours," Don said, hoping he was right.

Agnes yawned and nodded tiredly.

"What if she doesn't?" Agnes asked tiredly.

Don swallowed hard.

"She will," Don said as he patted her foot. "She will, sweetie."

Agnes shifted and looked at him.

"I'll stay with you?" Agnes asked, her eyes heavy and her voice slow.

"Of course, sweetie," Don smiled at her. "Mummy will come back, but if she can't, you're staying with me."

Agnes smiled at him and nodded slowly before she pushed herself up and hugged him, her little arms coming around his neck and her head tucking in under his chin. Don pulled her close, after three weeks without word from Liz they both needed a hug. He felt his eyes get watery and his stomach start to churn. They both needed Liz to come home.

Don felt Agnes' body relax and drop off to sleep and he picked her up and carried her to her bed and tucked her in with her stuffie. He grabbed his pjs and closed over the door and left her to sleep. That night was fitful. He had a dream that he was older and walking Agnes down the aisle on her wedding day and Liz was standing at the front near Agnes' groom. But the closer and closer he and Agnes got to Liz the more he realized that something was wrong with her. When he got to the front, and lifted Agnes' veil and gave her hand to her soon-to-be husband, he turned to Liz and she was dead. There was a bright red slice across her neck with tissue hanging out, her skin was grey and decayed and falling off her frame, her hair was falling out, and her eyes were glazed. Don screamed and woke with a jolt.

He had broken into a cold sweat, his heart was hammering and his hands were shaking. Don got off the pull-out bed and walked to the kitchen on unsteady legs and got himself a drink of water. He stood drinking back the water and trying to calm his mind as his hand slowly stopped shaking. When his breath finally slowed, and his heart no longer felt like it would jump out of his chest, he walked back to his make-shift bed and sat down heavily on it. He reached for his phone and turned it on selfie mode and hit record.

"Liz, we need to hear from you. I need to know you're okay, I can't…I can't sleep. I need to know you are alive and well. You don't have to call or video or…anything. But get a message to us that you are alive because I'm going crazy here with worry. We love you, and…"

Don paused. He wanted to tell her to just come home, but that was not what she wanted to hear.

"...and we just want you to be safe and let us know that you are."

He stopped the recording and sent it through the app with a quick text that read: Jake Tapper Love as the clue.

He wasn't sure if she was even accessing this, if there was any chance she was getting this. He didn't know anything, and what he didn't know scared the shit out of him. Don looked at the clock; it was 4am. There was no way he was falling back to sleep at this hour.

Don closed his eyes and thought about what he needed in this moment, what would calm him and make him feel rested. He knew what he needed, besides Liz home, was fresh air, space, time, and time alone. He loved Agnes, but he needed a moment to himself. It had been over two months that he had been caring for her on his own and he couldn't return to work more exhausted then when he started his vacation.

Don texted Aram asking him if Agnes could stay with him for the weekend. At 6am he got an 'of course' response and Don felt his spirits lighten for a moment before he felt guilty passing Agnes off to someone else after their conversation last night. Don took a deep breath and thought of what he heard one mom say on a playdate "you need to put on your own oxygen mask first."

Don needed some oxygen so he could be a better parent for Agnes. He may be a single parent for many more months, longer than he expected, and he needed to not lose his shit for her sake as well as his own.

When Agnes woke up, Don helped her pack a bag for Aram's and explained she was going there for a stay because he needed to go away for a couple of days. Agnes had heard Liz use this excuse for leaving her many times, so it was not something that was out of the ordinary for them and she didn't panic about Don needing to leave. He threw together a bag for himself and by lunch he was dropping her off at the Post office with Aram and with instructions. On the road to his cabin he felt a weight lifting off his shoulders, the weight of responsibility for another person, the weight of Liz missing, the weight of worrying, the weight of what his future may be.

By the next day, he had slept decently for the first time in weeks, fished, sat and read an old book he'd read twice before, walked the woods, and cooked over an open fire. Don felt like himself again, for the first time in a long time, he felt like he was centred. On Sunday morning, Don decided he needed to stay one more night and drove into town to get a cell signal to text Aram and, as soon as he hit a signal, his phone started to vibrate like a personal massager.

Don pulled over to the side of the road and reached for his phone. There was a message from Aram with a picture of him and Agnes eating cupcakes, three missed calls from Reddington, a missed text from his mom, and when he opened the app he shared with Liz there was one message sitting there.

Don quickly clicked on it and saw one line that simultaneously made him feel both better and worse.

I'm sorry, soon I will be able to reach out.

She didn't say she was well, she didn't say she was safe, she didn't say she missed them, and she didn't say that she loved them. But she had reached out to them. Or did she? There wasn't a clue.

To be continued….