Ressler, Listen to Me

Author's Note: Inspired by the song Believe by Mumford and Sons.

This was actually the first part I wrote after the one-shot when I was thinking of continuing this story and I wasn't sure if I could take it anywhere—this was my test chapter. And, as I re-read it, I thought about Liz's two declarations of love to Ressler in the latest Bino episode. On screen they were kind of like what I was thinking—she loves him but knows that her love can never be complete and with abandon, and her love for him carries the weight of danger. In allowing herself to love, she's risking the person she loves.

Please leave a review and check out my other WIPs Agnes and The Long Game.

Part 7

Don Ressler sat reading a book in the living room while Red and Dembe played chess across the room from him. He liked this book, it had enough twists and turns as a spy novel to keep him always guess.

Liz walked into the room and sat on the edge of his chair and looked down at his book.

"You've been reading for hours," she said quietly as Reddington discussed some chess champion's historic game play with Dembe.

"It's a good book," Don said, not looking up at her.

He felt her arm fall around his shoulders and her hand itched at his shirt sleeve.

Don wished she had just finished the discussion he had tried to start earlier.

He noted Reddington and Dembe exchange a look and Reddington's eyes flick toward them.

"How is your shoulder?" Liz asked him.

"The physio is helping," Don said, the edge in his voice indicating he was not interested in talking.

Liz sighed.

"Agnes doesn't like the sloped ceiling," Liz said. "She said it looks weird at night when she wakes up."

"You and Agnes can switch rooms with me if that's better for her," Don offered.

"We'll see how she does, maybe it's just this week's thing," Liz sighed.

Don nodded absently, he didn't like the open concept of this apartment in Graz that they were all sharing. He felt the only time he had space to himself was when he went for a jog everyday, and even then, Dembe was with him. He still didn't trust that he wouldn't run or try and contact Cooper or anyone else on the team.

He wasn't an idiot, he knew he couldn't go back. He knew that as a fact of his life that he needed to accept until Townsend was out of commission. He had been placed in an impossible situation by his heart and hers. But there was too much at risk, he would have done what they had if he was in their position. It didn't mean he had to like it.

He had even been helping them decipher the intel, because the sooner they ended this with Townsend, the sooner he was able to leave. And he was torn by that thought: leaving. He knew he should want to get back to the Bureau and end this, but he wasn't sure that was in the cards anymore either. He desired his freedom, could taste it, even. But he desired her still. How? He wasn't sure. She was a cold-blooded murderer. She was obsessive. She was unhinged at times. But Reddington balanced her, and she was more the old Liz since they came here with Reddington and Dembe than when she was when she was with Townsend. But she still wasn't his Liz, Don wasn't sure if she ever would be.

"I'm going to make some tea, do you want any?" Liz asked him.

"No, thanks," Don said, relieved as she rose off the arm of his chair and walked away. It wasn't that he didn't love her, that was apparent. He didn't love the situation and her avoiding a discussion about them every time he tried to bring it up. Like this afternoon.

Reddington turned and looked at Don. "Donald, do you know why the caged bird sings?"

"Like a canary in a coal mine?" Don asked, not lifting his eyes off the page.

Reddington chuckled.

"Maya Angelou observes that life is a constant process of becoming, of dying, and of being reborn," Reddington said.

Don's eyes flicked up from the page and met Reddington's.

"You were never meant to have an ordinary life Donald," Reddington said. "Now is a time for re-birth."

"I think I would have liked to be the one to make that decision," Don said, his gaze unflinching.

"Seldom are we given any choices," Reddington said. "We think we have them, but we really don't. No one chooses cancer, they deal with it. No one chooses to live in poverty, they try and overcome it. The choice of allowing you to die was not on the table. You live, you are re-born. Embrace the rebirth because even if you did return to the FBI and your apartment and your old ways, you are not the same Donald Ressler as you were before, it would never be the same, and you would spend the rest of your life wondering why it can't be."

"So, I'm just to accept it?" Don asked as he leaned forward the book held in one hand. "I don't see you accepting much of your fate."

Reddington got up from his chair and walked toward Don and looked down at him.

"And am I happy?" Reddington asked him.

Don swallowed.

"When I accept my fate, those days can be glorious," Reddington said as he turned to nod toward Dembe. "But the days that I feel as you do, right now, those days are painful. I wish you fewer painful days Donald, you are a good man and don't deserve them."

Dembe rose from his chair and followed Raymond to the large room at the end of the long hallway past the kitchen with two king beds in it.

Don dropped his book on the table and got up to walk onto the small patio balcony they had. It was outside his room, which was next to the living room, and he was grateful that he was not disturbing anyone with his presence out here many late nights. He came out here a lot after Liz left. When he felt, guilty for allowing her into his bed.

Don leaned on the railing and dropped his head.

He heard the door open behind him and knew it was Liz joining him out here.

"I came back, and everyone was gone," Liz said. "Then I heard Red and Dembe debating some cricket rule from their room and…"

"Do you love me?" Don asked her, turning to look at her over his shoulder.

"Starting off small, are we?" Liz asked with a chuckle as she walked toward the table and placed down her tea. "Ressler…"

"Simple question," Don said as he turned and faced her with his hips leaning against the railing behind him.

He watched her swallow.

"I love you as much as I can," Liz said as she met his eyes.

"What the hell does that even mean?" Don asked, his voice slightly raised.

"Shhh," Liz said.

"Red and Dembe are on the other side of the apartment, and Agnes sleeps like a log," Don said as he met her eyes, challenging her. He was not allowing her to get out of this discussion again.

Liz swallowed.

"It means that I've been burned by a man who wasn't who he said he was and…"

"We've all been burned, Liz," Don said, annoyed, crossing his arms over his chest. "In one way or another."

"I can't love you completely," Liz said as her eyes watered, and she stepped toward him. "I would be dishonest if I said I could. I don't know if it's in me anymore."

"To love someone? Or to love me?" Don asked.

"That complete careless love that happens," Liz said wistfully. "I can't be careless ever again."

"Then why am I here?!" Don asked her, his voice raised again. "So, you have someone to sleep with?"

The surprise on her face told him he had hit below the belt.

"I…I would…never," Liz stammered.

"That's what it feels like when you sneak in and out of my room every night," Don said, honestly. He had not had the willpower to stop it, but he needed to confront this. To find out where he stood, what they were to each other, through this, and going forward.

"Don, I never want you to feel…" Liz said as she walked toward him and placed her hands on his chest. "I…I didn't want to assume…and Agnes….I feel like I don't know where I stand anymore with you. You steer clear of me all day, and then at night…"

Don swallowed hard. There was some truth to her words. In the reality of daylight he was less pliable, but in the darkness of night he was passionate and possessive.

"You're here because Townsend will kill you," Liz said as she met his eyes. "He will kill you because he knows that would kill me."

"Why?" Don asked, his voice low.

"Because I do love you," Liz said quietly. "Maybe not how you want, maybe not how I could have years ago, but I love you. And in the schmarmiest of ways, you make me feel my heart is still there. Only you and Agnes do that for me."

Don swallowed.

"And I know this wouldn't bother you unless you loved me also, in the way you can," Liz said as she looked at him carefully. "You would be happy sharing a bed, going on this little fugitive adventure, and then getting back to the Bureau the first chance you could if you didn't love me. But you do, which is why that's not enough and why you are struggling so much."

Don held his breath.

"But what's bothering you is," Liz said as he leaned against his frame, her body pressed against his and her ear over his heart as she wrapped her arms around his torso. "You're not even sure if that's the option you want, the leaving me. and that scares the shit out of you."

"Liz, after everything that has happened, can I…" Don started.

"Can you what?" Liz asked as she turned her head to look at the underside of his jaw.

"Can I even believe what you are telling me?" Don asked. "Am I seeing a relationship where there isn't one? I need to know. I need to know what this is…this…between us. I can't guess, I won't infer, I will not jump to conclusions that may or may not be accurate…because this…between us…it's not going to work if I'm always second guessing everything."

Liz nodded and kissed the underside of his jaw.

"I feel guilty," Liz said quietly.

Don furrowed his brow.

"I dragged you into this," Liz said softly. "My love for you fucked up your life. I can't take that back, I can't change it, and I can't change my heart. But I can still feel bad about it."

"Liz," Don said as he placed his hands on her hips and pushed her away from him slightly so he could see her. "I don't want you with me out of guilt."

"I'm not," she said with a shake of her head. "But I do feel guilty for the circumstances."

Don nodded.

"I'm not sure I can do this alone," she said softly. "I'm really not. But I don't want you staying out of obligation or…"

"Or?" Don asked.

"I don't want you to hate me for the rest of your life because you feel you didn't have a choice," Liz said as he met his eyes. "I want you to know, clearly, that you have a choice Ressler. After Townsend is eliminated as a threat, you have a choice."

His jaw tightened and he nodded.

"I hope you choose me," Liz smiled at him. "But I've given you plenty of reasons not to."

Don swallowed hard.

Liz kissed his lips.

"Goodnight, I love you," she said before she walked back inside and went into the room she shared with Agnes and shut the door.

Don closed his eyes and tried to replay the pieces of the conversation in his head again. She loved him, but not careless or complete, she wanted him to stay but wanted him to know he could go, she felt guilty but was not with him out of guilt, and it wasn't just the physical he was in her heart. He sighed and dropped his head to his chest. She knew he loved her, it was plain as day, and he was careless with his love for her, complete with his love for her, and that was how he ended up in this situation.

Don pushed himself off the railing and found himself standing in front of the door to her and Agnes' room his hand suspended ready to knock but not able to. He wanted to tell her something, something that he thought may clarify this entire situation, but he knew once he did that, things would change, and he was scared of that change. Scared of the re-birth that Reddington had spoken to him about.

Don turned after a few minutes and walked toward his room where he got into bed and tossed and turned for a half hour before sleep overtook him. When he woke in the morning, she was on the other side of the bed from him sound asleep. He wasn't sure when she came in, or why she didn't wake him, or why she wasn't already back in her room, because, with the sun already up, Agnes was for sure awake and wondering where her mom was.

"Liz?" Don said as he moved toward her and shook her shoulder. "Liz, you need to get up before Agnes…"

"She's already up," Liz said as she rolled onto her back and looked at him. "I told her I was going back to bed to sleep some more."

"Here?" Don asked, confused.

"I told her she was a big girl and had an entire room to herself now," Liz said as she caressed the side of his face. "Don, I want this. I am happy to just sleep here to convince you that I mean what I said. To answer any questions you have, talk more about what this is between us…figure it out. Because I believe you are worth it. You'll always be worth it for me."

"What do you mean?" Don asked, still confused.

Liz rose up on one elbow. "I love you. I know it's not going to be the love you may expect, but it's the love I can give, and I'm handing it to you, willingly, for you to take or leave."

Don looked at her surprised.

"Even if killing Townsend means you leave me and break what's left of my heart," Liz said as she reached over and took his hand in hers. "I'm willing to risk it."

Don raised an eyebrow.

"That sounds pretty careless," he said with a slight smile.

"As careless as I can be," Liz smiled back at him.

Don sat up and looked down at her.

"I came to your room last night to tell you something," Don said as he looked down at her. "But I didn't knock and, instead, just came to bed."

Liz nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"Liz, I want to stay," Don said. "I don't know what that means for…"

He couldn't finish the sentence because she had tackled him and was kissing his face and grinning.

"Stay…like stay stay?" Liz asked as she laid on top of him, her face inches from his.

Don nodded and smiled at her exuberance.

"It's not going to be easy for me, and I can't promise, well, anything, but…" Don said.

"But?" Liz asked.

"I'm willing to try, if you are," Don said as he looked at her honestly.

Liz said as she looked at him seriously. "I want you to stay, always. Always."

Don smiled at her. It was the sweetest thing she'd ever said to him.

"And I know this is…not normal. That's putting it lightly. But I know all of you, and I think it can be more you then anyone else realizes. You know that and so do I. And I think we can do good, that it's not all darkness where I live."

Don nodded at her assessment of the situation.

"I love you," Liz said honestly as she looked down at him.

"And I love you, Liz," Don said. "God help me, I love you."

She covered his mouth with hers and sealed their commitment with a kiss.

To be continued…