Friends With Benefits

by SicklePickle

Unlucky in the love department, Sasuke and Naruto realize that sex without emotions involved was the perfect way to not deal with the stress of dating. So they are now both determined to accomplish this... with eachother. SasuNaru. AU. Humor. **Revamped**

1. First Go

AN : Hello hello hellooooo, yes I'm aware I suck immensely but I think I explained a fair bit in the most recent author's note about the girls and I falling in and out of love with Naruto. But! It's a pandemic, I'm sitting on my ass and I have a break from school so why not do as I promised a MONTH ago and revamp this bad boi?

Listen, this fic needs WORK, okay? Idk what we were all doing trying to throw in every synonym we found on Thesarus dot com but uh, it hurts my eyes to re-read and I'm here to clean it up.

I'm also gonna add a few bits and pieces to give non Sasu/Naru characters a little bit more dimension.

Disclaimer : Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, if I owned it, SasuSaku would've never been endgame lmao

Rating : M

Warnings: Contains strong language, awkward sex, humor, Sasuke being a prick, sex, dry humor, awkward budding romance, sex, more humor, and even more sex.

Friends With Benefits~*

Summary : Unlucky in the love department, Sasuke and Naruto both realized that sex without emotions involved was the perfect way to not deal with the stress of dating. So they are now both determined to accomplish this... with eachother. SasuNaru. AU. Humor.

Song Listening Inspiration For Sasuke and Naruto: "Lava" by Still Woozy

" My routine, you think I mean it?

I just wanna get a rise from you

And that's what I do, yeah

You know I love it when you do

You know I love it when you hit the air

Then run around yellin'

That's when I'm melting

When I'm melting

You never leave my mind

Why would you have to go?

You couldn't be the kind

I could ever outgrow…" NotBeta'd : Ignore the grammatical errors, please!

First Go: No Bullshit, Or Rather, Taking A Test

#$%&

"I-I'm, like, totally taking a left right now, dattebayo!" A young male shouts frantically into his mobile phone. He's already passed the speed limit, but he's played enough Midnight Club to know that cars are meant to be fast anyway. He hopes he doesn't get pulled over, this is Chouji's car and he'd be the worst friend in the world to get a ticket right now (again.)

Besides, what's a few maybe casualties of random old ladies when his balls are figuratively and literally at risk here?

Honestly, he should have just told Kiba no.

It wasn't his intention to be late this time, thin mints' honor, but then his aforementioned bro came over with a six pack and Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and everyone and their grandma knows that Naruto's kryptonite is a bottle of Asahi dry and CJ.

By the time he reaches Madd Dogg's mission, he blinks and it's been hours, Kiba comfortably snoozing in a folded lawn-chair position. Outside his window, the sun has set and he jumps up to check the time, his alarm that he set to lift him out of his Black Mirror-esque game coma betrayed him greatly as his dumb ass forgot to take his goddamn phone off of silent mode.

Fuck.

And now Naruto must be as swift as a coursing river because he cannot fuck this up again.

…

Running a tanned hand through an unruly nest of dandelion blonde locks, his teeth gnaws at his bottom lip, too anxious to even be bothered when the unsightly taste of blood begins to coat his tongue.

The destination comes into view, and he breathes a sigh of relief. "I-I t-totally see you now!" He replies to the voice, but the line goes dead shortly after a loud curse.

He grins big once he spots familiar long brown hair and short skirt. He parks near the figure and quickly hops out, before opening his umbrella, the rain outside is heavy and the air is thick and almost weighs him down.

He approaches the still girl, a blush dusting his whisker-tattooed cheeks. "Ayame-chan!" He gushes, wrapping a free arm around his soaked to the bone girlfriend, not noticing the deadly aura she spills out. Leaning down, he presses a kiss to her frozen cold lips. It is when she still doesn't move the blonde grows concerned. This time, he really looks at her. She looks a mess. Her hair is drenched and plastered against her face, the combination of her foundation and mascara leave streaks down her face. It's emphasized further as she glares daggers at him through furious, bared teeth.

Ah shit.

He tries to think of the best way to apologize to the potential homicidal girl.

He tells his mouth to say "sorry"

Instead, it says "Didn't know I was supposed to bring pina coladas…"

He shoots.

He misses.

His aunt Tsunade would be so disappointed.

There's not even a glimmer of amusement in her eyes and Naruto realizes he may literally die here.

"C-cuz you know, the song about getting caught in the rain…cause you're…caught in the rain…" He giggles awkwardly, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.

Nothing.

By now, Ayame looks like she's in need of an exorcism.

"Yosh!" He claps his hands together instead. "On to the movie, dattebayo-" He cheers, only to be cut off.

"The movie was over two hours ago!" She screeches, and the blonde flinches back in surprise from the sudden volume. "You were supposed to meet me here four hours ago, which is why I'm standing here, cold and wet and pissed off!" She continues to shout and the blue-eyed male stares, flabbergasted. Ayame never yells, he thinks, and there may be no sweet talking his way out of this.

"Fuck!" She began screeching. "I can't do this anymore! This, us, damn this! I'm breaking up with you, Naruto!"

Naruto's eyes widens as he gapes at her, all dead-fish like. "B-but, why? I didn't mean to be late but don't think it's worth hating me for?" He pleads, surprised and hurt.

Despite damn near hypothermic, Ayame allows her face to soften a bit. "It just won't work out anymore... It's not you, it's me, okay?"

Naruto blinks and continued to reason with his girlfriend. "But Ayame-chan!" He interjects, frowning. "I can, like...totally change, and shit, dattebayo!"

Ayame glares again, dark and sudden. "Naruto, when is our anniversary?"

As she expects, he freezes, a pathetic excuse for a laugh escaping him as he absentmindedly scratches the top of his head. "Uh...it's uhm...Ch...Christmas or some shit like that, right?" He offers, and Ayame sees red.

"Today! It's today! Just like my birthday was two days ago, and just like the anniversary of my mother's passing was last week! You don't remember anything important about me!" She hollers and the blonde flinches again. "A real man is supposed to at least remember things like that!" She stomps her foot in anger. "But I bet if I asked you my bra size, you'd know!"

Straightening up, Naruto graces his girlfriend with a dazzling smile. "Of course, I'd know! It's a 32-C! See, I can remember! So, can we like make up now, dattebayo?" He chirps cheerfully.

She stares up at him, her jaw dropping. It was almost astounding just how oblivious and juvenile he really was.

"Grow up, Naruto...everyone else has..." She whispers, shaking her head. And with that, she turns around and briskly walks away from him, not even caring as she is once again engulfed in the pressurized rain.

The blonde pathetically calls after her, sadly not aware that he was, in fact, making it much worse. "W-wait, Ayame-chan, if we break up, who's gonna make me ramen now? Can't we just stay together so that you can keep cooking for me? D-don't go, dattebayo!"

Deflating a little, he watches with a saddened face as his now ex-girlfriend walks away, not turning to look back even once.

He looks miserably up at the dark, gloomy sky, the rain gods laughing at him.

#$%&

"Sasuke."

Deep set obsidian eyes don't leave the screen in front of him, a close friend replies to his insult in the group chat with an even more sarcastic quip. His nose scrunches up at the vulgarity of the comment, but then his thin lips twitch upwards at the rebuttal. He sits, stretched out on his dorm room bed, clad in only royal blue, silk boxers, deeply engrossed in his phone's activities, and in his opinion, looking like how a twenty-two-year-old young adult should.

"Sasuke." Rings out again, but his eyes still don't leave the screen. The young male, with all intention to suck his own dick, is nothing short of a God thrown down accidentally onto earth and deserves to be treated as such.

But even so, the third time his given name is barked out so firmly that he has to rip his interested eyes away from his mass conversation with his group of obnoxious fools that managed to leech themselves into his life with no intention of leaving and label eachother his 'friends', and graces them boredly over the voice's semi-nude figure.

Sabakuno Temari, his girlfriend of two years, glares down at him sternly, one hand placed on wide hips, and gunmetal blue eyes bore deep into his own. The longer he stares, the long he starts to see the beginning signs of age on the twenty-eight-year-old blonde woman, like frown lines, because she never smiles, and crow's feet, because her eyes are always narrowed.

Shit, she's getting old.

Why he decided to date a woman six years older than him, and the sister of one of his closest friends, in the first place, he has no idea, he guesses it was one of those 'It had sounded like a good idea at the time' type of things.

She is cold and serious and surprisingly, shows less emotion than Sasuke himself. It had been attractive as hell in the beginning, dangerous even, but as the time went by, and days melted into months, he began to realize that when dealing with the unfeeling woman, it was like he was dating, kissing and fucking himself, and that was, in a nutshell, not that chill.

"What, Temari?" He deadpans, pretty damned skippy his conversation with his friends is a lot more entertaining than the pair of tits attached to the cold, monotone machine that is his girlfriend.

"What is my favorite color?" She asks, her face remaining expressionless.

Sasuke can't help but sneer a little. He is missing an entertaining conversation for this unnecessary shit? His eyes quickly glance back at the chatroom, frowning as he realizes his friends had began questioning why he wasn't replying back.

"You know I don't deal with that kind of bullshit, Temari." Is all he says, before reassuring his friends that he is very much still there and did not die from "sudden erectile explosion syndrome" courtesy of Kiba.

She shifts a little, still naked from their 'earlier activities' save for a small towel and runs a hand through her dirty blonde hair.

Sex is always the easy part with her, the feeling of being dissected by her eyes afterwards is the part that he can't fucking stand.

She sighs, before grabbing for her clothing. "What is my zodiac sign then?"

Keeping his face impassive, he looks up at her again. He doesn't like that she stands over him, almost loomingly, like she can't wait to silently remind him that she was above him or something. It unnerves him.

"Don't know, don't care." Sasuke replies, quickly shooting down his dog lover friend's good news with a subsequent 'Who cares, Mutt'

"Then what day was it when we first started dating?" She asks, shifting intimidatingly.

"Wow, is your hearing finally going?" He grunts out, growing increasingly annoyed. "I told you already, I don't concern myself with any of that."

He can practically feel the freezing chill of her glare but ignores it in favor of telling his red-haired friend to lighten up, and that what he said is 'Just a joke, feel free to unclench now'

"Who the hell are you texting for your attention to not be fully on me?"

Ah, yes... the jealousy, he muses, a smirk now tight on his face.

One of the main reasons why Sasuke stays with the blonde woman til now. He managed to get some rises out of her because of it, not that he's a cheater of course, but he loved to make her think he had the potential to be.

Shit, if he has to pretend to be a bigger douche than he already is, then it was well damn worth it for at least he had finally managed to get some emotion out of her.

He thinks briefly about telling the truth and say all of his friends, he really does, but decides that he wants to piss her off, so instead, he chooses to say someone guaranteed to make her entire being light up with blatant antipathy. "Ino."

And with that, teeth are bared and fists clench and unclench like a professional boxer ready to go eighty thousand rounds. What vendetta she has against his enlivening female friend, he has no idea, but it was always entertaining to see his girlfriend's once in a blue moon display of ire.

"And here you are, with the nerve to be texting that wench in front of your own damned girlfriend?" She seethes.

"Yup." He replies, shortly. He definitely isn't going to tell Temari that, in truth, Ino is in fact a lesbian, and has no interest in him whatsoever, because then what is the point if he can't aggravate her anymore by dangling his social status with the other girl in front of her?

She then sighs heavily, much to Sasuke's disappointment. "Do you care about me at all, Sasuke? Did I really just put in two years with you for nothing?"

He stares up at the apathetic, pretty face of the blonde woman, before thinning his lips, a deep pit of uneasiness growing in his gut. "Honestly, Temari, what the fuck do you want from me?" He asks, his voice still detached due to his main attention being his phone, or rather the inhabitants he is associating with.

"I want to know if I am wasting my time with you, Sasuke." She replies through narrowed eyes.

Those eyes demand answers.

He quirks up an eyebrow, quickly growing bored of this conversation and the now fully dressed woman in front of him.

"Well, are you?" Is all he says back.

He then watches, shamelessly fascinated as her jaw tensed up.

She stares, quiet for a moment, and Sasuke braces himself for Temari's screaming and his mental laughter before she speaks again. "I am going to walk out of this door, and count to ten, if you are not outside with me by ten, then you can consider yourself single..."

Before the raven could get the gears in his blasted brain turning and formulate a decent reply to his inamorata, the dramatic slam of a door is what he is met with.

"One..."

He eyes the door, an 'are you fucking kidding me?' expression conspicuously beautiful on his face.

"Two..."

She is not fucking serious...

"Three..."

This is the maturity level of a twenty-eight-year-old woman, really?

"Four..."

Is she really expecting him to get up?

"Five..."

He's wearing only boxers for fucks sake!

"Six..."

What the fuck will him going outside in the public dorm hallway in only boxers prove?

"Seven..."

Not a goddamn thing, that's what!

"Eight..."

Holy shit, is this happening?

"Nine..."

Wow, this is really happening!

Grunting in irritation, the now pissed off raven rises to walk across the room to the exit.

By the time he reaches the door and pulls it open, Temari is gone, and he is now standing in the hallway of Konoha Uni's residence hall, with probably hundreds of wanting eyes now on him. One girl even slammed face first into a random wall, and all Sasuke could do is snarl at the sheer stupidity of the students around him. "For fucks sake..." Is all that escaped his lips as he glares at the lustrous eyes and cameras that refused to leave his body even as he turns and slams his dorm room door shut.

#$%&

Luckily, every stranger in her path catches wind of the apoplectic aura that seeps out of Temari's pores and quickly step out of her way. With every hard step, her skinny heels scrape roughly against the concrete and she uses the clickclack of her bad bitch heels to try and force herself to blink away the hot tears bubbling up in the corners of her eyes.

The absolute fucking nerve of that selfish, egotistical, entitled fucking garbage bag to not even try and fight for their relationship.

She always knew the Uchiha didn't really care about much, that was his entire "thing" since she met him but God, she never knew it extended to her too.

Okay, sure, maybe she should have read more Cosmo and drank more wine and did more facemasks and had girlfriends over at her condo to lament her "boyfriend problems" to and maybe she wouldn't have let almost three years slither away without questioning exactly how strongly he felt about her in the first place.

Fuck her for thinking she was special, she guesses.

Unfortunately, grief-stricken and overcome with the need to cut a bitch, she missteps and snaps the left heel of her Saint Laurent pumps. She buckles slightly, a resounding "Fuck!" escaping her angry lips, she opens her mouth again, ready to spew some more hot fire because she is hurt, and she needs to hurt something back and the thought of hobbling on a broken heel back over to her ex's place and breaking his face seems way too tempting.

Her Prada tote pathetically crumples to the ground and she turns her eyes and presses a finger against her heel, surveying the damage. It is snapped more than halfway.

Fuck.

And now her eyes are welling up again. She hunches over slightly and takes deep breaths. She can't lose her temper like this in public; Her image is everything to her and the last thing she needs is some dweeb yelling "Worldstar" at her while she wreaks havoc on everything around her, a-la Lemonade style.

She shuts her eyes tight.

"That bag looks kind of expensive. Not smart to just leave it on the ground like that."

Temari's icy blue gaze zeroes in on her shiny new soon-to-be punching bag.

A tall, lanky hipster douche with a deep tan, empty eyes and a fucking man-bun on his head has her four hundred-thousand-yen bag in his veiny hand and Temari almost blacks out from rage.

She exhales harshly out of her nose, thinking of the ways her publicist can frame her murder charge as self-defense after she strangles this guy with his own entrails.

"How thoughtful." She sneers, straightening up and hobbling again, her brain temporarily glitching because she spots the familiar Konoha Uni insignia on his messenger bag.

Son of a fucking—

Like the wind, she lurches forward, snatching her bag out of his hand and glaring at this admittedly helpful stranger like he said he votes Republican.

"I have had…a very heinous morning and if it is alright with you, I would like to collect the rest of my dilapidated ego and hobble home where I will spend the rest of my day binge-watching Charles in Charge in my bathtub and contemplate dyeing my eyebrows." She snarls, and it would usually be a cold day in hell before she ever admitted out loud to being this piteous but holy fuck, she's tired of the robot role she's so accustomed to playing. So, fuck it.

And this guy. Fuck this guy too.

She attempts a step forward and instead of running away like most men in her life, he just steps in that same direction and hovers over her, expression now looking exasperated as if she were the one blocking his fucking way.

"I really wish you didn't say that." He sighs, folding both hands behind his head like even standing up is so much fucking work. "Cause now I can't let you leave."

By now, the Kill Bill sirens ring in Temari's head. "Excuse me?" She barks, pretty sure all she'd have to do is blow hard enough and topple this lanky prick right over.

He doesn't even try to look apologetic. "My ma would hang me from a ceiling fan if she knew I saw a woman in distress and did nothing about it." He backs up a little and Temari's brain short circuits again because he's suddenly kicking off his sneakers and handing them to her.

Whathwhatwhat. "I'm-" She tries.

"Shikamaru." He sighs again. "Pleased to make your acquaintance and all that. Come on, there's a restaurant near the bookstore I work at and they do pretty good Italian—"

"Have you lost your mind!?" She hisses, face burning. What the fuck kind of Hallmark bullshit was he on? Who just gives their shoes to an angry rich girl who spent the last 5 minutes hurling insults his way? "I'm not wearing those!"

It's kind of impressive how completely underwhelmed he is. "It's just a five-minute walk so I'll be fine, but something tells me you if try to stagger on those broken stilts of yours, those teenagers across the street will make an honest meme of you very quickly."

Ducking her head, cheeks ablaze with embarrassment slash fury slash…. something, Temari not so gracefully steps into the way too warm shoes before her.

He nods in the direction behind her. "It's that way."

"I don't even know you—" She begins, her hard voice faltering.

"I know your brother." Shikamaru replies, bored. "I'm the one he cheats off of in Organic Chem. I'm 24, my uncle's a professor there too so you would assume I got in based off of nepotism, but I've actually been consistently in the 99th percentile since I was in Kindergarten. Anything else?"

And now she's speechless, which is the biggest fucking load of irony considering she's a speech writer.

She swallows thickly, and she would rather light her tits on fire than admit she's now intrigued.

"Try anything and I'll taze you." She warns.

"That's fair." He answers back.

#$%&

An obnoxious, resounding knock breaks the silence of the room.

"Enter." Is the bored answer.

Naruto enters the room, and quickly spots his lean friend on his laptop, typing away on some assignment that probably isn't due until a month from now.

Nerd.

Tossing himself onto his best friend's bed, he flops onto his back and stares at the back of the raven's head with enormous, cheerless eyes. "Sasuke...what's wrong with me?" He asks.

Sasuke turns around in time to see the forlorn look. He can't help but raise an eyebrow at it. The blonde's cute face and pitiable expression is rendered useless on him. After all, he'd been friends with the younger male for fifteen years and counting, nothing the dobe did stirred a single emotion from him, excluding absolute indifference, of course.

"You mean... above all of the other reasons?" He asks back, smirking at his blonde friend's frustrated cry and moves just in time to avoid the pillow being thrown at his head.

"You're such an asshole, teme! I just got dumped by Ayame-chan, and I came here for comfort! This is the third girl to dump me in a year! A year, dattebayo! Something must be wrong with me! I might just be unlovable! Oh no, I'm going to die old and alone with thirty cats!" The blonde exclaims, dramatically falling back onto his stomach on the bed.

Sasuke feels no sympathy. "What do you expect, Naruto? The girls, no, women you date want roses for no reason and for you to remember bullshit like the first day you two kissed in full detail and blah blah blah. That is only what a man with no other life other than his relationship can give them, which you, thankfully Usuratonkachi, are not, let alone a man in general." He shrugs, not sugarcoating his words in the least. His disconsolate friend lifts his head in response.

"I'm a junior in college, goddamn it, and I'm only twenty-one... I should be able to have fun and not be tied down when I'm still young...why can't someone just accept me for me, and not try to shape me into who I'm not...?" Came the whines words.

Frowning at the dismal the blonde displayed, Sasuke speaks. "You and me both, dobe..."

Blue eyes rise up to look at him. "What are you saying, teme? You and Temari are like the most perfect, bastard couple ever...you don't have relationship issues, only us working class folk do..." He comments, smiling weakly.

Sasuke sucks in an irritated breath in response. "Not anymore, dobe. Temari broke up with me. And we've been together way longer than you and ramen noodle girl, yet you don't see me crying myself to sleep about it. It's just a relationship, it's not written in stone that you're unlovable. Get over it."

Huffing, Naruto sits up on the bed. "You're always so blunt, you bastard..." He glares, before sighing heavily. "Why do girls want to settle down so fast?" He asks out loud to no one in particular. "Why do they want to throw away their youth and not get to really enjoy it?"

Sasuke stares in well disguised awe. "That is probably the smartest thing I've ever heard you say, dobe." He chuckles as the younger male scowled at him. "Gendered social conditioning, according to professor Anko..." He trails off, glaring at the floor, picturing a realistic future of he and Temari hating eachother throughout their entire marriage and dying together anyway.

"Relationships...are so...draining..." The words are slow and slurred, and the raven immediately knows the other is falling asleep.

A messy raven head glances over at the slumbering blonde, before he heaves out a deep, ragged sigh that almost renders his body boneless.

Damned Temari.

He rises, and dusts off his silk button up and ventures over to his temporary sleeping space. Said space was, before a certain fair-haired twit entered in his usual cacophony filled fashion, serial killer clean but now housed the limp body that rose and fell with every inhaled and exhaled breath.

Onyx eyes bore into the sleeping face, a piqued look in his eyes almost as if he half expects the intensity of it to rouse the shorter male awake. A sudden beep tore Sasuke away from his one-sided staring contest, and once again his attention is majorly on his cellular.

Which is under the blonde.

A dark eyebrow twitches.

Goddamn it.

Placing one knee onto the bed, long, ivory fingers dance over the lithe body for his main source of true enjoyment, besides his counterpart that he was currently molesting, of course. That and his girlfriend, or is it ex now? He doesn't know, they were always hip and hip, and without her constant, nail against chalkboard nagging, everything feels far too foreign to be reality.

His fingers find their way under the blonde's stomach and once they enclose around his little silver machinery of wonder, he feels like doing cartwheels if he weren't so convinced that someone would pop out and catch him in the act. His paranoiac ways are a blessing and a curse.

Suddenly, the orange clad lump of flesh shifts unconsciously and moves onto his back and takes all of Sasuke's damned arm with him, dragging him close, forcing both his knees onto the bed and causing him to hover over the utterly unaware blue-eyed menace.

Sasuke's nose brushes against his oblivious assailant's, and he can't help but let his mouth thin at the conflicted feeling he's experiencing from seeing the usually rambunctious younger male so mute, save for the cold puffs of air that ghosts against his cheeks from rose colored lips.

Color leaves his already milk pigmented skin, his endless dark eyes wide, and a moment goes by, before a sick thought runs by in his mind. So sick in fact, that a deep grimace finds its way onto his face. It had been quick, speedy, and fleeting, just there for the slightest moment, but the thought had still been there. And it had been as disturbing and he kinda doesn't know what to do with that.

Sitting calmly back on the bed, he palms the cellular, and alerts his friends rather rudely that the bumbling moron had been promptly dumped and to prepare for the water works about how he can't purchase his beloved "ramen" without the girl glaring or potentially poisoning him.

He sits back, looking at the dead weight blonde, frowning deeply when he realizes he had been carefully observing his crony's features. Another scoffed out sigh leaves his body as he looks away again.

"Gross..." He mutters.

#$%&

"Holy shit, I can't believe it, hahaha!" The cinnamon-skinned male tilts his shaggy brown head back to bark out a loud, boisterous laugh. His tattooed cheeks threaten to reach his ears from the grin that adorns his face. "I can't believe both of you guys got dumped on the same day! Especially you, Mr. Heartthrob! Guess you aren't as irresistible as you thought you were, huh?" He snickers, while his circle stared in growing horror and wondered if Kiba has a death wish.

"Hey, shut up, dog breath!" Naruto exclaims, a flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. "I really liked Ayame-chan!"

Kiba snorts, dryly. "Yeah, just like you really liked Shion, and Shiho, and Tenten and-"

"Alright, goddamn it!" He butts in. "I can't keep a relationship to save my damn life! I friggin' admit it, dattebayo!" He screams at the top of his lungs, before theatrically sliding back down, much to Kiba's sadistic enjoyment. Obsidian eyes narrow and decide to come to his companion's rescue in a subdued, asshole-ish fashion.

"I'd shut the fuck up if I were you, mutt." Sasuke hums distractedly, and decides he is more than prodigious enough to be engaged in a conversation his other group while sitting with his original circle. He quickly shoots down Karin's invitation for "coffee" in her dorm room, though. "Coffee" being the obvious ploy to finally bestow her ensharpened claws and drag the male down into God knows what void pit of nothingness.

Tearing his eyes away from his cellular, his eyes flick up to a flinching Kiba. "I'm single now and that means I have got options…options that can extend to that bookworm you've got a schoolgirl crush on." He trails off, an acrid smile on his face when he sees the brunette gulp in fear at the mental nightmare of the raven-haired male tainting and deflowering his sweet Hinata.

Naruto naturally doesn't realize Sasuke's intentions and points at his friend. "Why you gotta be such an asshole, teme? Are you sad 'coz your girlfriend dumped you?" The obnoxious blonde hollers, making the male in question cringe with belligerency glowing in his eyes.

"Whatever." Sasuke huffs at Naruto, a little less than enthusiastically. "We'll get back together in time, Temari just wants me to be more... thoughtful." He pauses, and he, Naruto and Kiba shudder at the atrocious thought of an emotionally in-tune Sasuke. "It's what women do."

"Um, I resent that, Sasuke-kun." Ino snaps, quickly. "I don't do that, and I'm a woman." She eyes him patiently, almost bating him to reply.

He stares at his almost "almost-was" with a horrifyingly blank look. He supposes all of this was her fault, anyway, considering he wouldn't have been dealing with this Sabakuno bullshit if the damned blonde-haired enchantress would've agreed to shack up with him all those years ago in the first place. But no, she just had to prefer the apex between her own legs, instead of his. However, instead of tastelessly bringing up the mutilated subject, he decides to be a prick instead.

"You're a lesbian. You don't count." He says, as a matter of factly, before placing his palm under his chin in a philologist expression. "But you can't quite count as a man either, considering you go for a-cups."

Even Gaara, Temari's semi-homicidal, cherubic faced younger brother had to widen his jade green eyes from the vehemence of the retort.

The aforementioned a-cupped young woman shifts next to her steady of four years, her choppy, pink locks tucked behind her exceedingly pierced ears, an industrial sized textbook full of cliffnotes and highlighted to hell in front of her. Because she's just so damned organized.

"Misogyny…" Sakura mutters, her thin arms moving to close the book, cucumber eyes rolling. "How original."

Sasuke glowers at the indifferent pinkette with an ill-disguised snarl.

In another world, Sasuke thinks he and Sakura would be pretty good friends. She's sharp, witty, and can probably win an arm-wrestling contest against their entire football team.

She's also brilliant.

Like disgustingly brilliant.

Like always out-testing Sasuke in every subject brilliant.

Once upon a time in middle school she and Ino made a pact that they would compete for Sasuke's affection.

Puberty came, Ino discovered Dior and Sakura discovered cats and thrift store overalls.

It was clear who Sasuke chose.

Apparently, along with Ino's Tom Ford perfume and Sakura's secondhand ballerina flats came lesbianism and the two realized later on that Sasuke was ultimately just the impediment of their true love.

Yay.

She turns on the bench, resting her elbow on the edge. "Some of us need to study, Sasuke-kun." She begins, the affectionate word sticky with malice. "Not all of us have a bought future. Some of us need to actually work hard."

"Someone's awfully confident that she won't end up just another nurse." Sasuke glares.

"Neurologist, actually." She retorts. "I know your scores aren't as great as mine, but you have got to learn the difference."

And that is fucking it.

They both erupt in a petty back and forth with Ino's bleached blonde ponytail whipping around in annoyance as she tries to mediate. It's no use. Sasuke and Sakura are far too competitive and too wound up in their ego to back down.

Meanwhile, Naruto watches the scene in front of him with saddened eyes. Little did all of his friends know, Sasuke is a lot more human than he led on.

And as Sasuke's bestest friend in the whole wide world, the blonde feels it is his duty to make his buddy feel better. Jumping up off Konoha Uni's park bench, he slaps the waspish older male on the back, and grins apologetically at his friends. "Sorry Gaara, Ino, Sakura-chan, Dog breath, me and Sasuke gotta go handle some business. Ja ne, dattebayo!" He calls over his shoulder, while tugging the still aggravated raven in his direction.

"Whatever." Is all Sasuke said, before roughly shoving his shit back in his bag, and lets himself be dragged away by his very considerate partner in crime.

#$%&

The duo reach a random tree, and Sasuke slumps against it before reaching the ground, ego bruised. "Handle some 'business?' Nice one, dobe..." He mutters, dryly, while hiding a genuine smile from the goofy younger male. He fails, and Naruto sees it anyways and plops right next to him. "I had to get you out of there, Sasuke-teme! You looked like you were ready to kill Sakura-chan...or cry..."

Sasuke raises his head, staring at the blonde, long and hard, before one of his mega-rare grins graced his face. Naruto has seen it a total of five times in the fifteen years of knowing the heavily guarded male, and every time, he stops breathing and just basks in the radiance of it, and feels like something died within him, when the baby pink lips went back to scowling right afterwards.

He smiles at the thought of being one of the four people that got to witness it, besides Sasuke's brother, mother and Ino.

"We should go for ramen. I'll buy, dattebayo!" He cheers in jubilance. Sasuke has to raise an eyebrow at that. "What's with the special occasion of you actually paying, Usurantonkachi? It's not my birthday, is it?" He asks, genuinely curious.

Naruto purses his lips before smiling brightly. "Nah, no occasion, just from pal to pal, and considering you just got dumped, and the fact that you're still kinda hopelessly in love with a lesbian, your life is pretty pitiful right now!"

Sasuke's face twists up in a nasty frown. "Gee, thanks..." He mutters, before looking over the smaller male's shoulder, an ironic smirk finding its merry way onto his face. "As a matter of fact, I think you're going to need some ramen yourself, Blondie..."

Blue eyes widen and the cute features on the blonde's face scrunch up in dismay. "Aaaahhh, noooo!" He exclaims in utter chagrin at the scene. His beautiful Ayame-chan, hanging off the arm of one of the guys from his philosophy class, Aoi.

Tears bubble up in his eyes. "I can't believe it!" He pouts, sniffing. "It's only been twenty hours, fifty four minutes and twenty eight seconds since we broke up! How could she move on so fast?"

He then throws himself into his friend's (un-awaiting) arms and buries his wet face into the shirt that probably cost more than his own soul. "Sasuke-teme!" He wails, pathetically. "Hold me, 'ttebayo!"

Rolling his eyes, he shoves the blonde off of him, before raising his hand and bringing it down across his annoying friend's face. "Get a hold of yourself, dobe. I thought only girls cried about this kind of shit."

"Oww..." Naruto whimpers, cradling his now red cheek. "But how? She was my everything, dattebayo!"

Sasuke massages his temples, feeling a headache form behind his eyes. Was this how Sasuke looked mentally after he was dumped by Temari?

Dear God, he hoped not...

"You dated her for three months, dobe. Three. It's not even that serious. Damn it..." He mumbles, the massaging doing nothing to quell the throbbing pain of his skull.

"What do you mean? I have a lot of feelings for her!" He defends.

"If she was your everything, then how come you don't know her last name?" He asks, his eyes narrowing on its own accord.

As expected, Naruto shuts his mouth. "I-I do!" He stammers, unconvincingly. "I-It's...uh... Teraki...right?" His blue eyes darting around, what for, Sasuke had no idea.

"It's Ichiraku, dumbass! Goddamn it, you go there every day, how can you not know that?" Damn it, Sasuke hates yelling, and he hatew just how much emotion Naruto brings out of him, but it seemw like it is a necessity when engaging in conversations with the bull headed, stubborn dobe.

"Well, I'm sorry!" The watery eyed male shouts back. "I'm sorry for being stupid! I guess I don't deserve Ayame-chan, or anyone for that matter! I guess I'm just gonna die alone then!"

Sasuke rolls his eyes, despite the headache. "You throw yourself into relationships with anyone that asks you out, you loser. You don't have to be in a relationship, you know..."

His face scrunches up again in confusion. "What?" Naruto asks, not quite getting it. "But if I'm not in a relationship...then how am I supposed to...y'know..." He trails off, looking away and gesturing to between his legs.

Honestly, Sasuke deserves an award for his ability to be patient, because right now he just wanted to scream and strangle his childhood friend. "You don't have to be in a relationship in order to have sex, stupid..." He mutters, running a tired hand through his hair, before resting his head back on the tree. "I know I'm not. Not anymore. Fuck Temari, and fuck relationships. Right now, I'm just going to fuck and live life comfortably... Like Gackt."

"Huh? You're giving up, 'ttebayo? All you have to do is apologize to her, and she'll come back to you with no hesitation!" Naruto clamors, and Sasuke grunts at him. But he doesn't notice and keeps babbling. "Besides, I think you really love Temari, even more than Ino!"

Inky black eyes open slowly and Naruto flinches back on instinct, the look on Sasuke's face screams 'Don't go there'.

Grumbling to himself, Naruto's eyes advert. And the dark eyed male sighs for the fiftieth time that day. "We, dobe, us...we don't need to be in relationships." He starts. "All it is... Is drama, and fucking women trying to turn us into someone we're not. The both of us need a relationship that is sort of like... Taking a test... You go in, you do your thing, and when it's over, you pat yourself on the back, and never look back until the next time..."

"Like taking a test..." His companion mutters, thoughtfully. A bright grin meet his face. "You're so wise, teme!" Naruto laughs, and playfully nudged his taller counterpart. Rising and dusting off his orange jeans, he held out a hand for Sasuke and smiled a little when he took it.

"C'mon, teme, let's go back to your dorm, ya'know, I've been dying to show you this new movie!"

#$%&

The movie is called 'My Tomorrow, Your Yesterday' and it is literal garbage. One hundred and eleven minutes of the dark-haired male's life, gone, and he can never get it back. And his polar opposite, of course, found it was more awe-inspiring than 'Moonshine'

"Awwh, see, teme? Why can't any of my relationships be like that? We fall in love and live happily ever after! It's just a shame we don't ever know what comes after the final scene, dattebayo..." Naruto trails off, thoughtfully.

Sasuke snorts in response. "Yes, we do, it's called 'hentai'. Then marriage, then the wife lets herself go, and then you're trapped with that for the rest of your life, unless you're smart enough to break free from it..."

Naruto stares, his mouth agape, before closing it and shoving a random pillow from the bed into Sasuke's face. "You're so cynical, dattebayo!" He snickers. "Don't you want to grow old with the person you love the most? I know I do!"

Narrowed eyes again. "And with that mentality, that every girl you meet is 'the one', you'll never be able to keep a relationship, let alone get married and grow old with her..."

"Fine!" Naruto huffs, before laying back on the bed. A tense silence flies by, and the blonde speaks up again. "So...uh... I've been thinking about what you said earlier today..." He utters, softly.

Sasuke automatically knows what the blonde is referring to but decides it's more fun to make him admit it out loud. "That you're a dobe...?" He asks, smirking.

Not expecting that, Naruto nods. "Yeah, that I'm a...wait! No, damn it!" He shrieks and Sasuke chuckles at his gullibility. "Then, what? I have no idea what you're talking about, Naruto-chan..."

Seething, the light-haired male sighs, before fidgeting. "Uh...that I don't need a relationship in order to...y'know..."

The smirk widens. "No, I don't know."

Too easy.

Crying out in frustration, Naruto tugs at his thick tresses. "Damn it, Sasuke, to have sex, okay? There, I said it! Are you happy now?"

"Elated." Sasuke grins again, huh, a smile and two grins in one day? Leave it to the dobe to get these kinds of reactions out of him. "So, what's your magical conclusion there?"

"That there's no way in hell that I can do it!"

Sasuke's lips then thin, he expects his best friend to grow some balls, follow in his footsteps, and learn to ride the anti-love wave like himself, not pussy out before he even tries it. Unbeknownst to the moron, it actually pained him to see the blonde annoyance's heart always getting broken. "Why do you say that?" He asks, his eyebrows twitching.

Sitting back up, Sasuke can't help but scowl at the tearing up blonde. "Because teme, if me and a girl start a relationship doing only...that... I'll end up getting attached, and then I'll fall in love with her, and then she'll leave me, and then I'll be depressed, and then-"

"Damn it, dobe, shut up!" Sasuke groans, massaging his temples again. "What will the girl have to be like in order to guarantee that you won't fall for her?"

"I don't even know!" Naruto cries. "Even if she isn't pretty, I might just fall for her because of her personality or something!"

Sasuke opens his mouth to speak but closes it again. He blows out a breath. "So, you're saying no matter what the girl looks or acts like, you'll fall for her?"

A frantic nodding of the head.

Sasuke growls, now irate. "Damn it, dobe, you're giving me a fucking headache again!"

The blonde sniffles, hurt. "Well, I'm sorry-"

Sasuke frantically cuts him off. "No!" He shouts, not wanting to deal with anymore of his friend's waterworks, before sighing yet again. "Just... Let me think... Because this applies to both of us... A relationship in which the two only use each other for sex, no emotional attachment whatsoever..." He says, lowly.

Naruto nods hurriedly, encouraging his intelligent friend to keep assessing the situation they are both placing themselves into.

"No drama, no anniversaries, no clinginess, no emotion at all..."

A nod.

"And you have to be completely unattracted to the person for this to work... With the guarantee that you will never fall for them...at all...ever."

Another nod.

"And you're saying that it is damned near impossible to do this with any woman, because you will inevitably fall for her. Am I correct?"

One more nod.

"For fuck's sake..." He laments, and grimaces again when that sick thought from earlier comes back full force. A deep shudder of unease runs down his spine. "Damn you, Naruto..." Sasuke mumbles, exhaling heavily. "I just came up with an idea. Despite how…nauseating it is, I think this will work well for the both of us..."

Naruto stares at the taller male, awestruck. "You can help me? How?" He asks, a grin threatening to split his face open.

Yes! There was hope for the blonde after all!

Sasuke rises off of his bed, eying the blonde warily. "Yes, but I'm pretty damned skippy that neither of us are going to be very happy about it."

The other male shakes his head, his grin never faltering. "It doesn't matter! The girl can't be that bad, right?"

Sasuke shifts all his weight on one leg and looks away.

A deep breath to ease the nerves and nausea combo, before looking down at the now standing blonde.

"I'll do it..."

Naruto tilts his head, confused. "Eh? Do what, Sasuke-teme?"

Clearing his throat, Sasuke is sure he was going to from vomit a moat soon. So, to distract himself from the bile rising up in his esophagus, he sends a polite text to Gaara. Polite being, 'I'm bored, bitch, entertain me'

"I'll...take the... test with you..."

Big, puzzled blue eyes unnerve him. "What test, teme?"

'Take deep breaths, Sasuke...

It's not his fault he was dropped on his head as a child...

Whatever you do, do not hit him...'

"Goddamn it!" Sasuke growls, losing his patience on the clueless blonde. "I mean that I'll do... it...with you, dobe."

It then it finally clicks, and Naruto's otherwise comely face contorts into a hideous expression of horror.

"Y...you mean, you'd be...m-my...?"

"Yeah..." Sasuke trails off, his eyes still not meeting the mortified blue. "B-but why? You're Sasuke!" The blonde sputters, like it explained everything.

Dark eyes roll. "Believe me, I know that, every single time I look in the mirror..."

Naruto glares. "Not funny, teme. I didn't even know you liked guys..."

This time Sasuke does look at the scowling blonde, but only to stare at him like he had just been told that he was the key to saving the world. "Dobe, you don't just fuck the kind of women I've fucked, and then like guys...it's impossible." He speaks slowly, stretching every syllable as though his crony were just a mere child.

"Yeah, but..." Naruto starts, still doubtful.

Sasuke runs a hand over his face in exasperation. "Are you attracted to me, Usurantonkachi?"

Naruto's head snaps up to meet Sasuke's gaze. "W-what? No way!" He replies, shaking his head repeatedly. "You're a guy, there's no way in hell!"

Sasuke stares back, not offended in the least. "Would you ever fall for me?"

Another head shake, with no hesitation.

An exhale. "Good, then it's settled. We will never be attracted to each other... This is why it will work so well. Besides, you trust me with this more than any woman, don't you?" He speaks, lifting up his pinky. "This, honestly, is fucked up, like really fucked up, but I'm doing it because you are my friend, and I daresay, may or may not enjoy your company sometimes. So, deal? Just until one of us are ready to be in a relationship again..."

This, surprisingly, has been the most contemplative Naruto had ever been, or well, not since he had to choose from shrimp or miso ramen all those years ago.

And as crazy and weird and strange as it was, Naruto isn't surprised with himself when he linked his smallest finger with the long, boney one. The idea is insane, and logically flawed, but it works. Two very straight individuals release each other's tensions, without having to worry about any emotions involved, and since Naruto is admittedly borderline obsessed with the female population and falls in love with someone new every month, he doesn't have to worry about heartache when they grew tired of his forgetful ways.

"Deal..." He finds himself muttering, wary, and once again the room is heavy with the aura of unanswered questions, and it makes the blonde antsy to start babbling. He settles for one question for now.

"So, uh...when do we...um..."

Sasuke ignores the uncomfortable blonde and resumes his conversation with Gaara from his cellular, perking up when said redhead sent him an 'I've got some bad news for you' that came with an attached picture. Anxiety bubbles within his guts and sent them churning. The image that meets his eyes make his entire being freeze up.

It is hurriedly captured, and is anything but high quality, but it had been enough to send Sasuke' throat burning.

Temari sat across from an unknown man, from what he could see the man had an atrocious posture, at a restaurant that he recognized as the one in walking distance of his campus. The bright, genuine smile on her face proved that it was anything but a charade.

His jaw begins to ache from the abuse of weighted pressure he places on his teeth, and no matter how many daggers that he mentally incised through his cellular, it doesn't make the truth any less fucked up.

Temari isn't waiting for him.

Temari is done with him.

Temari has moved on.

His left leg bounces up and down repeatedly from the now negative, pent up energy threatening to force his body to release it in the most vicious, spiteful way... Like burying his fist into the man who was dumb enough to shack up with the woman everyone knew belonged to Uchiha fucking Sasuke. His family damn near owned all of Japan, and he is beginning to think that man purposely wants Sasuke to hunt him down.

His nails dig heavily into the borrowed linen, and if anyone was to see him, they will just think he was in a contemplative mood, but Naruto, who damn near knows the Uchiha more than he knows himself, automatically knows something is up with him.

Sasuke's murderous fantasies are cut off when his cellular was promptly snatched from his grasp. Gaping uncharacteristically, he eyes the blonde, a sudden shame burning within him at the stern expression his blonde crony wears.

"Uh uh uh, Sasuke-teme, you'll get your cellphone back when you calm down, and look less like you're plotting on somebody." Naruto scolds, placing a tanned hand on his hip, successfully imitating the countless times he received this treatment from his mother.

But, Sasuke isn't having that. "Give me back my cellular, Uzumaki..." He hisses, low and dangerously. He just wants to mourn his now tattered relationship in privacy, maybe even drink away his sorrows. As bitchy and batshit crazy Temari is, it still hurts. Real fucking bad actually. But, no, his damn ray of fucking sunshine best friend just has to try and turn his negative energy into something productive.

Naruto grins. "You called me by my surname. You must be really mad, huh?" He teases, loving the way Sasuke is probably mentally torturing him now.

"Dobe..." Sasuke warns, his eyes alight with utter misplaced anger.

"You want it? Come get it, 'SaSa-chan!" He cooes. Internally, he's rather proud of himself. He's the only one who could calm down the choleric raven when he got like this, and the only one strong enough to take his God-awful lethal punches.

Expecting more words of asperity, the blonde is more than flabbergasted when he is suddenly flat on his back, dazed and confused.

Sasuke looms over him, a dry smirk on his face. He wags his retrieved cellular in petulant victory. "It was inevitable, dobe. In all honesty, you really have no clue what you're fucking with, do you?"

So patronizing...

Damn him.

With a sudden surge of strength, the bellicose blonde reaches out his leg to trap it under the Uchiha's ankle, dragging him down, before straddling him. Naruto cackles at the other's dumbfounded expression.

"Take that, you prick! Not so high and mighty now, are you-"

And goddamn it, Sasuke has him on his back again, successfully preventing the blonde's movements by pinning his arms above his head.

Naruto fights tooth and nail, but it proves blatantly futile because Sasuke does kickboxing and Naruto does Call of Duty.

"I wonder...were you always this stupid or is this a special occasion?" The raven taunts, before growing serious. "Look, dobe, I just want to sulk in peace, maybe even contemplate that asshole's demise a little. Just leave it."

But Naruto isn't having that. "Well, fuck you too, then! And you're not gonna just sit alone like a loser! I'm going to make you feel better no matter what you say, 'ttebayo!"

Sasuke eyes roll in response, before pushing himself off the blonde, already growing aggravated of Naruto's tiresome palaver.

But once more, he is at Sasuke's side again, his babbling deafening to the Uchiha's weeping eardrums.

"You're my best friend, you bastard! So, no matter what you say, I'll gladly do whatever it takes to make you feel better!"

I don't need this, Sasuke groans to himself, and in actuality, he doesn't. The cacophony is highly unwarranted, especially when he knows all his crony's doing is just baiting him for an argument.

After more deadly assaults to his hearing, he turns in breakneck speed, facing the blonde. His stomach bubbles with more antipathy than a little bit. He likes his best friend, he really does, cared about him in ways the stupid bastard could never imagine, but he's had enough of him, and his help. His fucking 'help' is nothing more than just heedlessly stomping on the knife already deeply embedded in the Uchiha's bleeding heart.

He saunters up to the blubbering blonde, each and every step as hollow and dangerous as Sasuke's eyes were.

"Do you know what I do when I'm stressed like this, dobe?"

And thank God, he becomes silent.

Sasuke answers to the silence. "I have sex... So, do you know what that means...?" He voices, clipped and toneless.

They are nose to nose now, the pumping of adrenalin pulsing in his ears. "N...no...?" Naruto squeaks out, a bad feeling now in the pit of his stomach.

Obsidian eyes narrow. "Now..."

Cerulean widen in realization of the implied meaning behind the command. "...N...now...? Y..you mean...?" He whispers, voice cracking.

"Yes. You and me...now, dobe..." Sasuke growls, his headache from earlier hitting him full force.

Naruto stares back, his expression nothing less than mortified. "Wh-what? B-but we're so not even prepared and shit, dattebayo!" He stammers, throwing away the fact that he'd very much willingly agreed to the physical binding into a dark corner of his disconcerted mind.

Sasuke walks over to his sleeping area, not even bothering to respond. He grabs his bag and pulls out the offending object, before facing his companion.

"I accidentally stole this from Ino when I packed up before, but don't worry, she has tons. She won't miss it..." Sasuke starts, wrinkling his nose at the content.

Naruto blinks slowly before approaching his dark counterpart. Sasuke's holding what seemed to be a creatively illustrated shounen manga, grabbing it, he flicked through the pages, puzzled. "What does this have to do with us, teme?"

Something then catches his attention. "Hey..." he mumbles. "What's that guy doing to that other guy...?"

A tense silence.

"Holy shit!" The blonde shrieks, flinging the graphic thing away. "Why does Ino even have that? I thought she was a lesbian! The hell, 'ttebayo? I'm gonna have to bleach my eyeballs now!"

Sasuke leans over, picking up once again, the newest issue of 'Junjou Romantica', he flicks through the pages also, though his repulsion is notably much more subtle compared to the blonde. "I agree with you one hundred percent, dobe... However, we need this to make... matters...more comfortable for you..." He states, then grimaces at the explicit nature of it, there was nothing "romantic" about this shit at all... It is just pure porn.

Naruto's face then contorts into an expression of horror again. "M...more comfortable for me? W...wait! No way, dattebayo! Why do I have to be the one to...y'know? Why not you?" He screeches, offended.

Cringing at the volume, Sasuke's eyes twitch. Maybe this is a bad idea after all, maybe he should just go use another girl and leave the blonde to die alone and miserable.

"Because, dobe." Sasuke replies, sighing out a ragged breath. "I'm four inches taller than you, thirty pounds heavier than you, and not to mention my cock's eight a half in-"

"Shut up!" Naruto screeches again, high, and shrill, and it is like nails and chalkboards. "Dammit, fine!"

It is then that the high energy dissipates, and everything is back to being awkward and awful. Naruto is then left standing there, stiffly, his eyes glued to the carpeted floor. Sasuke suddenly becomes intimidatingly taller, and it leaves the blonde suddenly fidgeting.

"S...so..." Naruto tries, his face alight with embarrassment. Sasuke promptly ignores him, his eyes gracing over every sexually fueled illustrated scene. If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do this right, he scowls to himself. In life, he is a perfectionist, and yes, this extends to the bedroom and it will be no different, just because he was about to...bed...the dobe.

"Alright." He then suddenly voices. "We're going to start." It's not a question.

Big, cerulean orbs stare up unblinkingly. "So, what do we-" His inquiry, however, is cut short because something prevents him from furthering it.

And that something is Sasuke's mouth on his own.

It is so abrupt, so expeditious, that Naruto firmly believes that squawking like a little girl, and backing away, his hand clapped over his mouth is more than justified. "Wh-what the hell was that, 'ttebayo?" He blabbers, frantically.

A perfectly sculpted eyebrow rises. "It's what people do when they're about to f-"

"That's not what I mean, and you know it, teme!" He interjects, pointing viciously at the indifferent raven. "I thought you said no emotions involved at all! And from what I can recall, kissing is a sign of emotions being involved!"

"Are you done?" Sasuke asks, monotonous. "And to answer your stupid ass question, hell no. Now when I'm closing my eyes, underneath me is Nana Kitade, not Uzumaki Dobe, so don't ruin my fantasies by opening your annoying mouth, got it?"

Naruto gapes at him, his mouth shutting closed at his words. "Fine, be an asshole!" He growls, but his other threats and whining died up in his throat when his back met the firm softness of Sasuke's bed, with said boy bent over him, almost loomingly.

Silence reins between the pair, and Naruto aims to break it. "Teme-!" He tries once more, and yet again, Sasuke's lips found his.

All protests are choked down as his counterpart's mouth worked against his with disturbing ease.

Well, that and tanned, thin wrists had been wearing the Uchiha's long, strengthy fingers very much like handcuffs from the ferocity of its grip. But the familiarity of it left cerulean eyes glaring something serious at the older male. He recognizes the feeling immediately. The anxiety, and that damned helplessness again that appeared every time he went tip for tap with him.

Naruto is being made Sasuke's bitch.

His body went boneless as the humiliating bomb that was emasculation soared through his being like a rabbit on an acid trip. A sudden slow suckle upon his growingly swollen lips leaves him shuddering.

Since Sasuke proves to be quite into his J-pop singer apparition, Naruto decides to voice out his own.

An image pops into his mind, and it sends his on body on overdrive. From his otherwise effete state, he returns the skilled liplock just as fervently.

"Mmnn..." Naruto groans against Sasuke's surprisingly soft lips. "You are such a good kisser... Mrs. Uchiha..."

If this were a movie, Sasuke is sure he'd hear the distant sound of a record scratching off of the music that was supposed to fit for this specific scene. The Barry White tunes he envisioned are boorishly ripped away, and damn it if Sasuke doesn't love that man's music when having sex.

He rips his mouth off the dobe's, and stares. Just stares. The consternation on his face imminent, jaw slack, and eyebrows furrowed.

"A...are you fucking serious?" Sasuke stammers, genuinely horrified. It has been a decade and then some the last time Sasuke showed this much emotion; he was turning seven and his older brother, Itachi, decided to be a prick and get his group of equally prick bastard friends to practice their new dodgeballs on him.

It had been a bad time.

Naruto looks away, blatantly ashamed. "Well, I'm sorry! I can't help it; your mom is hot!"

Sasuke hid his face in his hands, the explanations only worsening in this circumstance. "Of all the women in the world...Oh my fucking God..." He mutters, chagrined, before looking down. "Oh, and what do you know? The image of you wanting to fuck my mother killed my hard on. Thanks, dobe. Fucking. Thanks."

Flinching, the little blonde gulped. "You're not mad at me, are you, teme?" He asks, in a small voice.

And now Sasuke feels like shit.

"Whatever..." He sighs. "Let's just... Continue." Shifting and bending over the blonde, their bodies pressed together, and lips meet again.

Since Naruto's arms are once again pinned at both sides of his head, the lack of manliness he feels in this position come back with a vengeance. His nerves are shot to hell though, once Sasuke's tongue swipes delicately at his bottom lip.

Naruto glares.

Stupid Sasuke and his perfectly correct movie kissing.

Alas, the making out as if they were two insecure teenagers cease once Sasuke's mouth begin to find refuge on other places.

Thick lashes brush against a tan cheek with every tight blink, and the raven's mouth finds his throat. Thoughts of blatant anatomical differences dances amongst his cluttered mind, filled mostly of Temari, his experiences with her were unforgettable, considering she only showed her true feelings during sex.

But goddamn it, this isn't Temari. This is not soft, mouthwatering curves, but lithe, firm, barely there muscle. So, he has to go with instinct when dealing with the body below him, he doesn't know what the blonde likes in bed, but judging by the quickened breathing, the dobe seems to be enjoying his ministrations. Or rather, 'his mother's'.

Input Sasuke shudder.

Butterfly kisses litter the top of the tanned throat and trail down towards the collarbone, not knowing what to make of the other male's body suddenly jolting, arching upwards, and groaning softly.

Sasuke's nose brushes against the fabric blend of cotton and polyester that adorns the blonde's torso. The offending orange... thing has to go.

His fingers grip both of the tanned wrists and pin it above the blonde's head with one hand, while the other removes the younger male's top in the most considerate way Sasuke knows how.

And considerate being, he savagely shreds the article of apparel off the lithe body in the most austere way possible.

With an affronted cry, his jaw hits the floor. "Th...that was my favorite fucking shirt, you asshole!" He hisses, furious.

Ignoring the apoplectic aura of the blonde, Sasuke rolls his eyes and tosses the lacerated thing over his shoulder, heedlessly.

"It's disgusting and it got in my way." He shrugs simplistically at his scowling counterpart. He leans over the edge of the bed, flicking through the manga, unflinching at the feel of blue eyes glowering at his back.

Why is the blonde so angry anyways? It's not like the raven put a gun to his head and forced him into this physical only agreement, though the Uchiha is starting to believe otherwise from the antipathical aura of his stare.

Okay, so maybe Sasuke isn't the gentlest lover like the man in the book, who was all romantic and sensual with his sultry smiles and spine-tingling whispers, but as disenchanting as it is to admit; Naruto is a man, so why the hell is Sasuke supposed to be tender? What is it about this moment that was supposed to have turned him into a gentleman?

Unsheathing out his mental sword, he harshly slashes it through expendable thoughts. These disturbing 'be gentle' cogitations are unwarranted to the highest degree.

The dobe is a man, for fuck's sake! If there is any pain, he can take it.

...Absolutely…

...Positively...

...Not really.

Naruto is a... special case, the Uchiha begrudgingly admits. He is impeccably more in tune with his emotions than Temari ever was. Then again, a brick showed more emotion than Temari.

Scowling, the raven's mouth descends downward, until he reaches what were supposed to be large, fleshy mounds.

But aren't.

Frowning, Sasuke's eyes bore into the flat panels, almost as if it were something alien that he founded, rather than it being something he also anatomically shared.

"Well, it's nothing like I'm used to..." The Uchiha starts. "But I suppose it will have to do..."

Before Naruto can hiss out a nasty rebuttal, his breath is stolen out of his body as Sasuke's tongue flicked over a spot that Naruto is pretty sure was only supposed to feel good for girls.

Eyes fluttering shut, rose petal lips parted to emit another groan from them, this one much higher in pitch and louder in want.

"Aahh."

If there is ever a fathomable reason as to why Naruto ever wanted to hurl himself into an open freeway, it would be now! He sounds like a desperate virgin in front of his best friend and it's embarrassing as hell

But damn it, Sasuke's mouth on his chest is heavenly, and the raven just has to be the sole reason for his ample pants and mewls ringing out in the quiescent room like gunshots.

A candy pink tongue dances over the blonde's midsection with memory trained ease, and Sasuke's not promiscuous in any way…probably, but he knows his way around the bedroom, he has memorized his ex-swain's body, with an almost precision.

Naruto cringes at himself after a rather bawdy mewl escapes his lips. His teeth lightly graze the sunkissed skin and sends the entire body below him shuddering.

Fuck, he hisses mentally, only girls are supposed feel this good when they have sinfully delicious mouths on their chests.

Or at least that's what it says in the hentai manga thing.

Nevertheless, the cold puffs of breath and warm moisture of his best friend's...mouth organ...sends him trembling and arching and gasping, very much like the boy from Ino's freaky porn book.

Naruto's face lights up with heat, another gasp forcing its way out of his body. He supposes this was how Ayame or all his other ex-girlfriends had felt whenever they...did it.

A sudden tingling and fluttering in his lower body leaves Naruto's jaw dropping in horrid, horrid realization. Shaky cerulean eyes slowly follow the spiked head as it lowers from his chest, to his stomach, then to...

Cerulean eyes are now the size of dinner plates.

And dear God, Naruto has a boner.

And Sasuke's mouth is the cause of it.

The blonde, no matter how much hard he tries, cannot form words, but rather heavy panting and gasps.

Unbeknownst to a certain blonde tyrant, Sasuke is just as much of a mental mess, if not more. He just has a better way of obscuring it. He feels his body go on autopilot, kiss here, lick there, and it hasn't quite registered to the raven that he has, from memory, pushed slim, orange clad legs apart until his he felt the tip of his nose meet the very prominent protrusion that is the blonde's...tent.

At that moment, the room became icy with silence, and cerulean and obsidian finally met. The flush on Naruto's cheeks makes Sasuke briefly wonder if his own expression of disgruntlement matched his.

The blonde is the first to break the silence, because of course he is. "S...Sasuke...?" He begins, voice small. "A...are you...g-gonna...?" It physically hurts to continue, so he thankfully doesn't.

A shaky breath escapes the usually apathetic raven. "Y...yeah..." He states, and it does not contain the usual insouciance.

"O-oh..." Naruto stutters out, not sure he found this position favorable, but does nothing to remove his amigo's head from between his legs.

I am about two seconds away from abating this entire thing, kicking him out and taking a nap, Sasuke thinks, suddenly irritated, as he leans up to undo the blonde's zipper, before dipping his head back down.

The jeans slips off with ease.

Fuck.

Taking a not so subtle swallow, he tugs down the eyesore that was the blonde's frog boxers. It's damn near pained him to bring them down, but he did, and they slipped down with ease as well.

Sasuke refuses to open illuminant eyes, before bracing himself, more not so great thoughts floating amongst his mind. One in particular, does the carpet match the drapes?

Abating unwarranted thoughts, he opens them, only to find a scowl make its merrily way into his face.

Leave it to the dobe to be the only man he knows that actually manscapes. Sasuke feels his masculinity cry in despair at the sight.

Not a single strand of hair on the blonde's package. What the fuck?

"Are you sure you're a man, usurantonkachi?" He grunts out, like his face isn't in between the blonde's legs.

"Sh...shut up, t-teme!" Naruto counters, his manliness still secure, although a bit wobbly due to his friend's judgement. "Ayame-chan always wanted me to shave! Not everyone is all about flossing their teeth with pubes and stuff, you know it's called being a good boyfriend and like, compromising and shit..." He trails off, his face far too alight with heat to continue the ramble.

Despite just how foreign and aberrant this situation truly is, the more venom that is spit from those kiss bitten lips, it just urges him on to shut his thoughts away.

By now, Sasuke isn't abashed with himself when, before he even realized what he was doing, his hand lifts a tanned thigh over his shoulder.

His mind shrieks, demanding to know what the fuck he thinks he is doing, but it is all shoved to hell once his head dips back down and his lips dot Naruto's inner thigh with feathery light kisses.

With a sudden arch, a startled blend of a moan, mewl and a cry sent the blue-eyed boy writhing.

What are you thinking? Sasuke's subconscious repeats, bellowing within the confines of his head. Sasuke can't answer back even if he could, because in truth, he isn't thinking.

At all.

Especially since he parts his lips to nip, mouth and scrape his bottom teeth at the tender, trembling part of that area, earning more moans and soft cries of pleasuring stimulation from his childhood...

Friend?

Brother?

Everything, Sasuke thinks fleetingly as his teasing tongue inched higher to his everything's erection, people like Naruto don't just get an interrelation category. No, his dumb ass blonde is more than that.

"Holy fuck." The blonde gasps, eloquently, but stabs himself on the inside for sounding like some chick in one of Kiba's hentai flicks. Sasuke tries not to focus on the spine tingling, jean tightening sounds the younger boy makes that ring out in room and echoes rather nicely off the walls. He instead thinks of Temari, and her new squeeze, he thinks of how the special edition Anita O'Day vinyl he ordered a week ago hadn't gotten here yet, and he thinks of how his blissful routine has now been shattered because Temari dumped him and he was about to suck his best friend off.

Naruto, however, does not have the luxury of being able to form words like the onyx eyed boy between his legs. He can't think, he can't breathe, God, he just...

Fuck...

Simply put, he's never been more aroused in his life, and Sasuke hasn't even gotten to the actual... part yet either.

To say Naruto is ready to slaughter Sasuke in an act of justifiable blue-ball related homicide when he pulls his mouth away to reach for the manga again is a bold, dramatic understatement.

"What the hell, teme? Come finish what you started!" He demands, obnoxiously, his voice like nails to a chalkboard in Sasuke's mind.

Sasuke scrunches his nose up in abhorrence and ignores the blonde's palaver and looks the manga over. If the romantic, dominant man in the comic had been a woman, the blowjob scene would have been much more appealing, but Sasuke was far too giving in bed (which is ironic because any other time, he didn't give a fuck about anything) to skip out on oral, even if his partner right now was someone he'd never actually be attracted to, ever.

Gazing over each illustration, his eidetic memory takes in everything, every single tongue trick and hand grappling the man used on the young male until it burns itself into his dark irises.

Dropping the now useless comic, he turns to the very nude dobe, and scowls.

Fucking Naruto.

He takes his sweet time walking back to the bed, and even longer to return to his earlier position, once again pushing the blonde's legs apart before lowering his head once again, his cold breath puffing over the dobe's not-so-small soldier, that stood proud and desperate for attention.

Snorting to himself, he takes a firm hold of it, unabashedly, imitating not only the 'Usagi' man from the book, but also his past girlfriends, and darts his candy pink tongue out to give an experimental swipe, slowly dragging up, from base to tip.

There's a lot worse he could be doing, so the act isn't entire damnable, per say. Well, it still sort of is considering Sasuke just doesn't swing that kind of way.

But sex is a business and honestly, Sasuke is a businessman in the making. It is about give and receive, produce, and consume. That's about it. If he doesn't think about it as much more than just a simple exchange between two consenting adults, then it'd be easy to keep himself detached without having to have an entire identity crisis about it.

So, he's sucking his best friend off, whatever.

There are children dying.

Each stroke of the tongue elicits deep groans from Naruto and he bites at his swollen lips in a poor attempt to save himself some dignity and handling (what's obviously) his first real blowjob without any more of his ego being mercilessly stomped out.

Once Sasuke begins to use his entire mouth to engulf Naruto in entirety, the blonde arches again and moans and pants to the high heavens like a bitch in heat.

"Aahh." Is all the blonde could pathetically groan out. It's weird at first, he knows. It is kind of an open secret that Sasuke was known to…down girls whenever he "did the do", he was never shy about that. But he had never once dared to think about that now that they agreed to...relieve eachother, that he'd be doing it now.

Not that he's complaining though, although he mutters to his subconscious that is literally a mini version of him blaring an airhorn continuously to cool it.

That wondrous mouth of the older male, the one that sneers and deadpans, and kisses his beautiful girlfriend, and goes down on her, and tells her he loves her, (probably in a sarcastic manner, but the feelings are still there) and calls Naruto stupid, and trades verbal jabs with Sakura, is now on his whorish, attention loving erection, slurping and sucking and licking and he writhes (even though the raven's hands keeps him pinned there) and moans to his heart's content, but there's just one disconcerting word on his mind and lodged up in his throat and fights to come up, like bile when he drinks too much or mucus when a girl breaks his heart once again and cries himself to sleep in pure anger and sadness, asking himself why isn't he enough.

But he doesn't say it.

"That's...ohh, fuck..." He gasps out, his hands above his head and tangle themselves in the sheets. It's barely above a whisper and the other man works and laps at his arousal in oblivion like it's his job, and his naturally sharp nails dig into his thighs, and a long, drawn out cry of exhausted euphoria threatens to rip from his throat, because he felt his climax approaching but he also never wants Sasuke to stop.

Naruto's sure his nails tore streaks down the sheets from clawing so hard at it, and his throat is going a little sore from the moaning and it's honestly, it's only a blowjob, but he can't give it anymore thought, because he sees white and he's crying out from the sheer ecstasy of it, but Naruto can almost swear he feels Sasuke chuckle around him

The blonde does not know what exactly happens next, but the raven lifts his head and quirks an eyebrow when cerulean eyes are wide with disenchanting horror.

"D...did you...?" Naruto stammers, before mentally punching himself in the face. When did he become the king of sentence cliffhangers?

Sasuke stares back, unflinchingly. "Spitters are quitters." He asserts, like it is supposed to explain everything.

"Oh..." Naruto mutterers not truly, comprehensively getting it. "Um..." He begins, heedlessly abandoning the awed thoughts of what exactly his best friend did with his...fluids. "So, is it your t-"

"Blowjobs don't get me off. Many have tried but you'd be down there for hours and still nothing." Sasuke replies shortly, before he reaches under his pillow beneath the blonde's head, he looms over the younger male and pulled out one of his handy, dandy condoms.

Biting off the top, he unwraps it with sexually professional ease (Much to Naruto's chagrin) and looks back down at his nude, fair haired counterpart.

"It appears we don't need the book anymore; I can put two and two together as to what's supposed to happen now..."

Naruto's lips did not even spur a chance of parting, before Sasuke claims them again. Cerulean eyes flutter closed, and he kisses back as fervently, and he simply blames it on the fact that he's still heartbroken over Ayame and clinging to Sasuke as a new source of affection.

Yes, that's the exact reason.

But that's a little more than obvious, considering he will never be into guys, like ever.

His hands find Sasuke's shoulders, and the blonde's own breathless pants against those thin, expressionless lips are the only sounds he hears, besides the shuffling of Sasuke's slacks and boxers being pulled down slightly to probably put on the...

Already large eyes widen tenfold.

Oh shit, this is really happening.

His sharp nails dig into the way too expensive fabric as he feels his legs being parted open again. He distantly wonders why so many guys did anal in the first place. Like, was butt sex a guarantee for the jackpot or something? Surely it isn't all that.

In one fell swoop, Sasuke's very sizable...mini Sasuke is in there, and holy fuck, does it hurt.

Most grit their teeth and wait for it to adjust.

But then again, Naruto isn't like most.

"Holy shit!" He screeches and Sasuke flinches in response. He ignores the raven's questioning gaze and began to thrash around.

"Aughh! Oh my God, the paiiiiin, dattebayo!"

Grunting in response, a look of discontinuance dances upon the onyx eyed male's beatific features.

"I told you it was eight inches, dobe. Now stop tensing and you'll get used to it-"

Promptly ignoring the male above him, Naruto continues his theatrics. "Holy balls! I'm dying, aren't I!?"

Sasuke rolls his eyes. Really, Temari never acted like this. She took everything she got in bed like a power ranger. But then again, this is an entirely different hole he's dealing with, a hole that for many just remains an exit, not an entrance.

"I can't believe this! I'm, like, really gonna die!"

Sasuke scowls again. "Naruto-"

"I can't believe I'm gonna die just becoz I've got my best friend's dick inside me!"

By now, Sasuke doesn't know whether to laugh or hit him. Sighing because the blonde's cacophony still hasn't ceased, he pushes tanned legs wider and pulls out slightly before pushing back in as deeply as he could manage.

Before Sasuke can repeat the action, his prayers are answered, it shuts the blue eyed male up, and sent him gasping and arching off the bed in sudden surprise.

It's pretty obvious that he's doing something right, so he does it again, driving hard into the body below him, his nails digging into the underside of tanned kneecaps.

However, to Sasuke's utter, pure, white horror, he has nothing to distract himself with, so when Naruto voices his opinion of the sensations that now flowed throughout his body in the form of lewd, x-rated cries and desirous groans, Sasuke's face is alight with a disturbed flush.

This is uncomfortable.

Eyes filled to the brim with perplexity, Sasuke cannot not grasp that the ecstasy fueled vibrato that dances around his eardrums was from the same short, skinny, blonde annoyance who laughed and cried all the time and had that annoying speech impediment that buzzed around his ears annoyingly since he was six.

"A-aah...ohh, f...fa...ster..." Escaped the now aphrodisiac blonde's lips. Those sharp nails once again above his head to claw at the sheets, not caring to know that if he continued to shred the sheets, his nails would become brittle and weak.

His jaw dropping uncharacteristically, Sasuke grits his teeth in panic. He has to find a way to quiet the younger male's porn noises quickly before the Uchiha died of red-faced discomfort.

Reaching up a hand, he slaps it over the blonde's moaning lips.

Hard.

With a yelp of sudden shock and pain, Naruto's cloudy haze of utmost pleasure dispels, and his hands flew over to cradle his now even redder lips.

"What the fuck, 'ttebayo!?" He shrieks, glaring daggers into the now disgruntled Uchiha.

Sasuke frowns, desperate to defend himself. "Stop with those stupid fucking noises, it's weird!" He spits out, weakly.

And something else, Sasuke thinks to himself, but doesn't think too much about what exactly those sounds do to him.

"Well, I'm sorry!" The blonde hisses. "It just felt really good, how the fuck else am I supposed to sound? Am I not supposed to make a noise?" He barks, voice confused and slightly hysterical.

Speechless for once, Sasuke sighs, parting those damned tanned thighs again. He chooses to quicken the normally slow pace a little, now determined for this to end, hearing his best friend's provocative vocalization, it made him stiffen up and go all red in the face.

The anger dissipates and Naruto voices his pleasure once again, one hand tangled in Sasuke's comforter and the other digging in the raven's shoulder, all the while Sasuke hid his cherry red, burning cheeks into the crook of the blonde's neck, successfully bringing the boy below him to climax all over again, the lithe body shuddering and breathless groan escaping those damned lips of his. Sasuke follows after with a barely audible gasp, far too freaked out with this entire experience to make a sound.

Lifting his head, endless eyes meet cerulean, and it was then, that Sasuke really takes in the blonde's disheveled appearance. From the sweaty, wild cornsilk hair, half lidded, darkened eyes, panting, swollen lips and glazed over expression, he looks a little...

Before Sasuke can register what exactly he was doing, he lowered his head, so their noses touch. It seems his subconscious is determined to claim those lips again. Almost a centimeter away, rose lips seemed to part in anticipation.

Or at least, until the blonde speaks.

"So...is there a chance that I'm gonna, like...get pregnant now or something?"

And just like that, the illusion is shattered, and he quickly remembers that Naruto is a dumbass not worth getting soft over. Sasuke scowls and ripped himself off the stupid man and throws away his now used condom. Looking down at his now ruined shirt, he growls to himself before ripping the door open and stomping away to the bathroom.

#$%&

It's now two in the afternoon and Sasuke feels like murdering someone in cold blood. He's a business major, so naturally his classes are a lot more susceptible to group and partner assignments. Leave it to his fate to not only have one of his fangirls as his assigned partner, but that lazy motherfucker, Nara Shikamaru who, plot fucking twist, was the one who had been on that date with Temari. His devil in human's skin older brother had randomly called him and told him he'd be popping up at his university soon. And to put the cherry on the top of his fantastic fucking Monday, he'd hasn't seen Naruto since Friday and he's supposed to be on his way to visit him and his circle right now.

Fuck.

The only thing that calms Sasuke's unstable nerves are the sweet, poetical lyrics of one of his favorite American jazz singers.

"Skylark...
Have you anything to say to me?
Won't you tell me where my love can be?
Is there a meadow in the mist,
Where someone's waiting to be kissed?
Skylark..."

Pulling out one of his handy cigarettes, he places it between his lips, and fishes around in his pocket for his lighter. Lighting the cig, he inhales with a long drag, before slowly blowing the smoke back out. He sits at a nearby bench, the university's recreational garden area looking much bigger now that he was tired and out of zen.

Looking down, he watches in indifferent fascination as the pumpkin orange high tops stopped right in front of him.

Dead obsidian eyes look up at the fidgeting blonde. Sasuke fights off a scowl. "Hey, dobe..." He greets, tone bored, nodding his head to him.

"Hey, teme..." Naruto responds, back, the king of making sure to keep things awkward. "Uhh, how was your weekend, 'ttebayo? Kyuubi popped up outta nowhere and we spent the weekend camping. We even saw a bear, isn't that funny? Hehehehehe..." He trails off with a weird, broken off giggle of nervousness.

"Hilarious..." Sasuke deadpans, not caring to beat around the bush. He sighs for the eightieth time today. "Look, dobe. We're going to have to talk about Friday, eventually...might as well stop dodging it."

Naruto shifts his weight on one leg and looks away. "Right, well…. we still have that agreement, right, dattebayo?" It's low, and had Sasuke not have been so close, it would have fallen on deaf ears.

His head snaps upwards to look at the abashed blonde. He honestly thinks that of all things, the dobe would try to cease everything and try to banish the encounter to a corner of his mind.

"Yeah..." Sasuke maunders, weirdly.

"Okay…" Is the blonde's equally weird response. Suddenly, he straightens a little. "Teme? Uhh, s...so, when are we-"

"What's up, bitches?!"

Jolting and yelping like a kicked dog, Naruto is never a man known to keep a secret, let alone remain quiet about what's been on his mind the last few days.

"Don't judge me!"

"...Huh?"

Turning painstakingly slow, Naruto's wide eyes take in all of his friend's matched facial expressions of confusion.

Scratching at the back of his neck, he sheepishly giggles in response and avoids the chill of Sasuke's cold glare. "Ehehehe, what's up, guys?"

Ino flips her white blonde ponytail over her shoulder and decides to forgo the bench this time, choosing instead to swing both thick legs over Sakura's waist, straddling her girlfriend and making her into a makeshift chair.

Sasuke looks away.

Gaara and Kiba take their seats next to Naruto, who in turn, sits next to Sasuke. The close proximity sends Naruto on edge, making him skittish and jittery.

An oblivious Kiba grins wide. "So, Whiskers, how was your weekend-"

"I did not have sex this weekend!"

Had Sasuke not have been one of the most expressionless people on the face of the planet, he would have choked on his spit, but settles for tensing up his jaw and narrowing his cold, dark eyes instead.

But in true Naruto fashion, he keeps rambling, obviously not used to going days without announcing his life story to everyone. "A-and it totally wasn't the best sex I've ever had, and I totally didn't get a blowjob this weekend either!"

Sasuke wants to smack him! What the fuck is the idiot doing running his mouth like that?

"A-and it so wasn't by someone with a really, really awesome mouth either-"

Onyx eyes widen.

"And you t-totally don't know the person either, not at all-"

Oh, hell no.

Drawing his fist back, he uses all of his power to dig it into the idiotic blue-eyed male's abdomen.

With an "oof" of surprise and utter pain, the blonde falls off the bench, onto the ground, curled up and cradling his fresh new abdominal wound.

Jade eyes look up at Sasuke. "What's wrong with him?" Gaara asks, poking at the wheezing blonde with his foot.

"What's right with him?" Is Sasuke's grunted rebuttal. He glares daggers into the injured man and runs an exasperated hand through his hair.

"Fucking dobe..." He whispers, horrified with himself when he felt a smile tug at his lips.

Something tells the raven that this "agreement" between them will not end very well.

Fuck...

AN: Well, well, wells. It's been like more than half a decade since I did one of these and man, I kinda missed it lmao. I'm in quarantine, my classes are online, and I'm sitting on my ass and collecting checks because I can't leave the house to work anymore!

So! With this revamp, as mentioned before, I cleaned it all up to the best of my ability, gave the characters a bit more depth, especially Temari, since originally, we never really understood background characters, so it was easier to hate them since they weren't given any real exploration.

A few notes and disclaimers:

1) Sasuke suddenly being A-okay with having same-gender sex while being "super straight" didn't make a lick of sense. That being said, SexuallyAmbivalent!Sasuke is necessary! I myself throughout my teen years had this "Whatever, it's just sex. Doesn't mean I'm attracted to x. It's no big deal" kind of detached "logical" thinking about sexual identity and little did I know that ambivalence was really just bisexuality lmao. Not to say it isn't valid, cause it is. Not everyone is eager to have lablels, but no "super straight" man would enter a FWB relationship with a same sex person unless they were at least anti-conventional sexual orientation, if that makes sense.

2) Fair warning, because I got my fair share of hate way back when, I believe in complex characters! They will not be 100% likable and make all the best choices in this fic! I'm sorry but that's so unrealistic and predictable. There will be fuck ups, like a lot of them! Sometimes you'll be annoyed, sometimes you'll be frustrated. But these characters are meant to represent a realistic idea of a person, and a person does not go about life just being super likable and great all the time.

3) There is so much problematic shit in the original fic I kinda wanna puke lmao. I have no idea what the fuck we were thinking when being anti-pc was "cool" but with fresher eyes, there is just so much offensive content that added absolutely nothing to the fic. (Like the lack of dimension for the female characters.) I corrected it to my best ability and started watching old episodes. So yes, realistically, Sakura (and Shikamaru) would definitely out-test Sasuke especially considering, Sasuke didn't even really give a shit about being the best until his family was killed. He was a sweetheart before he was orphaned. So once again, kinda OOC cause there is no dead family members to avenge! Everyone's a realistic millennial, ok! Sorry!

4) I also received some heat about the comparisons to this and "Assuming We". Now while I can tell by the summary, that they seem similar, but I promise you they are not related at all, and it'll take like two sentences of my fic to easily debunk that. My fic was inspired by the actual FWB movie that Melissa and I saw in the theater, and the drama aspect being inspired from Melissa's favorite TV show, Shameless. I really like Assuming We though! Go and read it if you can!

The song Sasuke listened to on the bench: "Skylark" by Carmen McRae. I kept jazz enthusiast Sasuke as part of the plot. Idk I feel like real life millennial Sasuke wouldn't really be listening to modern music.

Okay, time to get to work on the next chapter. Wish me luck on cleaning up this dumpster fire!

-SP