A/N: I know technically Bastian speaks in iambic pentameter, but guys, I am so lazy that that is not going to happen. Anyway, have more silly fic!
Chapter One:
The scene was thus: Princess Elincia with her hands clasped to her chest, wearing white armor and standing next to a pegasus; Lord Ike shrugging at her asking to join the fray; and Bastian, Lucia and Geoffrey standing behind their liege, ready to defend her to the death.
Ike was neutral about the whole thing, because that's the kind of guy he is. "It's not something I can allow or disallow," he admitted. "She's my employer. If this is what the princess wants, all I can do is comply. Be careful, will you?"
Elincia's eyes brightened. "Oh, thank you so much!"
Bastian struck his arms out. "Let us go forth like sunlight to the dawn. Elincia fights, and Crimea wins the day!"
The moment was ruined by Ike's staff officer smoothly sliding in between his boss and Elincia. "We may not be allowed to tell you no, but I can certainly tell you why we should," said Soren, every inch the professional. "The rest of us have literally spent the last year fighting for our lives while you twiddled your thumbs in the background, so you are woefully behind in terms of experience or talent. Right now, you are a subpar Mist."
Elincia for her part was not in the slightest bit embarrassed or put off; in fact, she was smiling. "I can't argue with you," she said, voice fond. Behind her, however, Lucia had to stop Geoffrey from pulling out his spear.
Bastian's jaw dropped. "How dare you, sir! Her presence on the battlefield shall inspire the great knights that protect her! The princess herself shall ride into the fray to directly lead her troops! She risks her life! We shall be victori-"
"Okay that's enough," Soren interrupted. "If royalty on the battlefield guaranteed victory, we will lose when the time comes because Ashnard is there. You know, the king who killed the majority of your greatest warriors? Having Mist Two on the battlefield is a waste of space and healing staves."
"Aaand now you've crossed the line from 'pragmatic tactician' to 'jerk'," Ike chimed in.
Soren cleared his throat awkwardly. "Sorry, Commander."
"No one deserves to be called Mist Two," Ike finished, clearly a little amused, mostly because it was obvious Elincia wasn't offended. He, however, did not see that now all three of her retainers had weapons drawn.
Elincia giggled. "I know Soren only says these things because he doesn't want people to get hurt unnecessarily. He's such a sweetheart, deep down."
Soren's mouth opened and shut, and he clearly failed to think of a comeback before he hastily bid a retreat.
"Awww," the princess cooed.
Ike let out a sigh of relief. "It's good you finally get him. Soren thinks his job is being cruel to be kind. It's adorable once you ignore the, you know, meanness of it. Anyway, if you're set on joining the battle, let's get going."
"Yes, sir!" Elincia said cheerfully, saluting. The friends smiled at each other and started walking to the rest of the army.
The trio being left behind was certainly not in the same merry spirits.
"The shorty needs to die," Lucia said, her hand clenched on the hilt of her sword.
"Agreed," said her brother, who was usually the voice of reason in these types of scenarios. All bets were off when his precious Princess was insulted.
Bastian regarded the twins thoughtfully, measuring their helpfulness in any plot. Evidently deciding they were worthy of working with him in this, he said, "Alas, although we cannot outright kill him, we can certainly avenge our fair monarch's honor." More seriously, he said, "I have ideas, but I am open to suggestions."
The battle hadn't gone too terribly, all things considered. There was a Rider of Daein acting as the leader of an army, and Elincia had been the albatross on their necks, but no one died on Team Crimea. Huzzah.
Soren sighed as he walked back to his tent, fighting off a migraine. He could give the after-battle report later, technically speaking, considering the only qualifier was that it had to be given after the battle. Ike was always nagging him to sleep more, so a nap wouldn't-
While his internal monologue had been going on, he'd gone into his tent, had been about to lay down, and then noticed that his bedroll was covered in bugs.
"Ew," he said, since he was alone and no one would judge him. He held his hands to his chest and shifted on his feet, unsure what to do. He'd had a bad relationship with the more creepy-crawly things in the world, starting from the time he was starving in the streets and everything looked tasty, and ending when the priests who taught him to talk started by shaving him bald to remove the infestation in his hair. It wasn't that he couldn't deal with bugs, but that he didn't want to.
Ike came into the tent. "Hey, are you okay – huh, how'd you get an earthworm – oh, is that a centipede? Oh wow you have a whole collection of bugs here don't you."
Soren was too squicked out to correct him. "Ike, I'm going to need you to pick this entire blanket up and toss it into the nearest fire," Soren said carefully.
Ike was snickering a little, but he did as bade. "I pulled this on Mist once or twice when I was younger. I think you just got pranked."
Soren decided the rest of the blankets needed to be set on fire too, just to be safe. "Not funny."
"To you." Picking up on Soren's distaste, Ike shrugged and dragged the rest of the bedroll to the fire too. "Not to me either, right now, but it was hilarious to watch Mist scream. Question is, who'd put bugs in your bedroll?"
"Someone who wants me to kill them," Soren suggested helpfully.
"No."
"Darn." Soren racked his brain. "Who did I offend most today?"
"Elincia, but that seems out of character for her."
Soren nodded to himself slowly, and formulated his vengeance.
Geoffrey was the first to drop out, and he did so the very next day. "If the Princess is unoffended by the boy's insults, then I can't very well be either," he admitted.
"In other words, Geoffrey told Elincia about the bugs and she yelled at him," Lucia translated.
Bastian was undaunted. "Very well, may your conscience be absolved of all things going forward, Sir Geoffrey. I shall continue on, as it took me a solid hour to break out of my tent thanks to the way he sewed the flaps shut overnight." One great tent, wasted by needing to slice it open with a knife. What a shame. "What about you, Lady Lucia? Will you continue on, knowing the Princess' distaste for our mission?"
Lucia shook her head. "I know my strengths, and this is not one of them. But, that being said, if you need anything from me, let me know."
Bastian nodded, dramatically placing his hand on his heart. "Very well then. The way we shall go forward then is the simplest: sage against sage!"
"Eh," said Geoffrey.
"Tactician against tactician!" the older man corrected.
"That's slightly more equal," said Lucia. "I'm not exactly your biggest fan, but I know a one-sided fight when I see one and they're kind of sad to watch."
Bastian pouted at her. "Thank you for nothing."
"Don't mention it."