Xue Yang kind of expected that the sight of Xiao Xingchen looking at him would be overwhelming, but the actual emotional rollercoaster it sends him into – together with the cultivator saying his name, which was something Xue Yang didn't even realize he desperately needed until it happened – still catches him by surprise.

He is happy, of course. Relieved, too, because even though he's not usually anxious, waiting outside the operation theatre while someone you care about is undergoing a surgery simply is anxiety-inducing, whichever way you look at it. He was told it would take several hours, that he could take a walk or even go back to his hotel, but it was not really an option.

You're leaving me alone?

He couldn't forget how lost Little Starfish seemed at the moment he said that. Not to mention that even though Xiao Xingchen's life wasn't at stake, the transplantation was still a demanding surgery requiring general anesthesia, which always entails some sort of risk. Any number of things could go wrong, really, and Xue Yang couldn't help but picture them all while he sat on the bench outside the operation theatre and stared into his phone, not actually perceiving anything displayed on the screen.

Fortunately, in the end everything turned out alright, so Xiao Xingchen is now looking at him with his new, light brown, soft and deer-like (gorgeous) eyes, with pupils blown wide from all the medication, and he's stroking Xue Yang's face in some kind of drug-induced daze while saying Xue Yang's name over and over.

Xue Yang is actually glad that Lan Xichen interrupts them at that moment, because he was just about to do something very, very stupid. Like kiss Xiao Xingchen on the lips, for example.

And while hugging might still be written off as a strictly platonic gesture, kissing on the lips is a different matter altogether. Xiao Xingchen looked like he wouldn't mind at the moment, true, but he was also drugged out of his mind, so no.

When Lan Xichen leaves, a nurse comes to give Xiao Xingchen's eyes a cold dressing, because his eyelids are a little swollen from the surgery, and tells him that he should keep his eyes closed for the next few hours.

"I wanted to look at him some more," Xiao Xingchen complains to the nurse with a pout that draws a chuckle out of Xue Yang.

Little Starfish is really adorable when high.

"Can't blame you there," the nurse, a short woman who Xue Yang would peg as in her late forties says with a wink, "you've got yourself a really pretty boyfriend."

"Uh-hum," Xiao Xingchen agrees readily while he leans his back against the bed, suddenly looking sleepy. "He can cook, too. His pancakes are just lovely," he adds with a dreamy smile, which makes the nurse coo at him.

Xue Yang is just starting to blush from all that praise when Xiao Xingchen's expression turns into a frown as he says, in a tone of clear disapproval, "But he also wiped out an entire clan, all for one finger."

Xue Yang darts a nervous glance in the direction of the nurse, but she doesn't look at all fazed. Then again, it's not like Xue Yang can really see what kind of face she makes at this because it's concealed by her mask.

She adjusts Xiao Xingchen's bed into a more horizontal position while he says, in a voice that is almost too faint to hear, "If you only knew the things he made me do… I just couldn't…"

He doesn't finish his sentence, his head falling limply on the pillow. Xue Yang still feels as though he's just been slapped.

"Don't worry about it," the nurse says soothingly when she notices whatever expression he's wearing.

Should've put the face mask back on the moment she came in, Xue Yang thinks woodenly, his mind still reeling from the sudden emotional whiplash as the nurse goes on, "This is nothing out of ordinary. Your boyfriend is on some heavy medication. He might be delirious, or experience hallucinations. He'll be in and out of it for the next few hours or so, so you shouldn't take the things he says to heart. People sometimes react to pain meds in the weirdest ways, like you wouldn't believe. For example, we once had a patient who was under a delusion he has turned into a wolf. We ended up having to sedate him so he wouldn't bite anyone."

Normally, such a statement would make Xue Yang all excited and prodding for details because duh? fucking lycanthropy! but the only is thing he can muster right now is to mutter, "Just what kind of fucking drugs do you use here," in quite a dark tone.

The nurse, however, doesn't take any offence at his words. "You look tired as well," she remarks instead, and then asks, "When was the last time you ate?" in a voice that strongly reminds him of his mom.

"Umm… seven in the morning?" Xue Yang says while sending a look at the clock on the wall, which shows that this was almost eleven hours ago, which actually might be a record for him. As on cue, his stomach gives out a loud rumble.

He doesn't need another pointed look from the nurse to know the best thing he can do for everyone involved now is to have some dinner and go back to his hotel.

…

After three more days at the hospital, Xiao Xingchen is discharged and allowed to return to Cloud Recesses to recuperate. Xue Yang, naturally, follows.

Xiao Xingchen is told to do a lot of resting, both in general and specifically regarding his eyes. He still wears the sunglasses Xue Yang has given him wherever he leaves their room. He also has to apply eye drops several times a day. Or rather, Xue Yang does it for him, as Xiao Xingchen turns out to be surprisingly clumsy at this, almost poking himself in the eye with the dropper the first time he tries.

"Let's not spoil all of Doctor Lan's hard work here. Gimme that," Xue Yang commands as he takes the eye drops from Xiao Xingchen and applies them correctly despite never having done this in his life. Xiao Xingchen laughs a little before closing his eyes, letting the medicine take effect.

"You always were the more dexterous of the two of us," Xiao Xingchen says after a moment, and his features twist into a rueful smile. Xue Yang's heart plummets to the pit of his stomach.

"You – the past you," Xiao Xingchen corrects himself but it doesn't make Xue Yang feel any better, "fixed a lot of things in the coffin house; the roof, two of the windows, the hearth. Once he–"

"Do I look the same," Xue Yang blurts out before he can think better of it.

"Yes," Xiao Xingchen says simply. "But… that's not a bad thing," he adds a little awkwardly, in an obvious attempt to placate him. Which doesn't work at all. Because of course it's a bad thing, how can it not be?

During all the time they spent at the retreat before the surgery, the cultivator didn't mention their shared past even once. It was decidedly stupid of him, but Xue Yang got kind of lulled into the illusion that Xiao Xingchen was really nothing else but his boyfriend whom Xue Yang accompanied for his surgery as his moral support, and pushed all the time travel, magic and reincarnation bullshit to the furthest corner of his mind. It was still there, of course, but… in the background, sort of.

And he guesses that Xiao Xingchen labored under a similar delusion, until he saw Xue Yang's face. If Xue Yang looked any different, Xiao Xingchen wouldn't so readily join the two different versions of Xue Yang into one overlapping image.

There is no book version of you; there's just you, suddenly echoes through Xue Yang's mind, which is something Xiao Xingchen told him on the day he appeared in his apartment, and they were still sorting out what was what and who was who.

Whatever progress they've made since that moment now seems to be lost because of Xue Yang's fucking face, as they're back to Little Starfish thinking of him as a murderer and someone who tricked him into killing innocent people.

Wiped out an entire clan for one finger. The things he made me do…

Xue Yang thinks of Xiao Xingchen saying his name over and over when the latter was under the influence of pain medication. At that time, he thought it was cute, even though he was a bit worried by how bad Xiao Xingchen was tripping, but remembering it now makes his mouth taste like ash. The wonder he thought he saw on Xiao Xingchen's face must have been pure wishful thinking on his part. Because what else could it have been other than Xiao Xingchen reminding himself whom exactly he was getting cozy with?

A murderer. His enemy. The one who made him killed himself.

Xue Yang opens his laptop and tries to get some work done, but it's next to impossible, because no matter how furiously he blinks, his vision remains as blurry as if he applied the eye drops in his own eyes, and not Xiao Xingchen's.

…

During the next few days, Xiao Xingchen complies with his doctor's orders and does a lot of resting. He eventually also resumes his guqin lessons and bunny petting sessions, which leaves Xue Yang with way too much time on his hands. He doesn't quite know what to do with himself.

Now when his little finger has fully healed, he manages more offline work, and also devotes himself to whittling, but he still feels… restless. Unanchored. He didn't realize it, but getting Xiao Xingchen's eyesight restored served as a goal he was working toward, and now when that's been achieved, he's a little at loss.

He promised Xiao Xingchen he would find Song Lan, but he can't exactly do that without the Internet. Also, he's even more reluctant to imagine what would happen if they do find Xiao Xingchen's friend than before. Or rather, he's imagining it quite too well, despite his best efforts to the contrary.

He sees Xiao Xingchen thanking him – because he would of course feel indebted to Xue Yang – and then telling him, in a gentle yet firm tone, that it's time for them to go their separate ways. In the best case scenario, he might add that they can stay in touch. No, scratch that – he's too nice a person to taunt someone with false hopes.

Xue Yang hisses as the whittling knife slips over the piece of wood in his hand and nicks his palm.

…

At the end of the week, Xiao Xingchen discovers that Cloud Recesses have a library, and begins to fill their room with various books he borrows there. Xue Yang in turn discovers that when it comes to reading, Xiao Xingchen has no self-restraint; when he's immersed in a book, the other man completely loses the track of time and Xue Yang has to check up on him regularly, to make sure he's not straining his eyes too much. On several occasions, the cultivator's eyes would get red-rimmed and teary, but he'd just absent-mindedly dab at them with a handkerchief and keep following the written words, lost to the world.

And every time Xue Yang tells him to stop, Xiao Xingchen would beg him to let him finish the chapter and pout, which is just unfair, because Xue Yang is helpless against such underhanded means; Little Starfish pouting on top of unexpectedly turning into a bookworm is just too adorable for words.

Right now, he's looking at Xiao Xingchen who is sitting cross-legged on the floor, bathed in sunlight seeping inside through the round window and engrossed in something that seems like some really old novel. The sight makes him feel like coming closer and ruffling the cultivator's hair. Except you can't really ruffle long hair; it'd be more like patting his head. And that'd be–

"Is something the matter?" Xiao Xingchen, who must have felt Xue Yang staring, asks with an inquisitive look. Even though he now has other means of expressing himself at his disposal, his head still does that little puzzled tilt, which Xue Yang noticed on the day they met. And which he now finds super cute. Like just about everything else about Xiao Xingchen, for all the good it might do to him.

Xue Yang stretches his lips in what he hopes is a super-friendly just-bros no-homo grin, and says, "Nothing. Just glad you can see."

Xiao Xingchen answers with a smile of his own.

"Me too," he says before returning to his book.

"You know what?" Xue Yang asks on a whim. "How about you read Re–" he starts, but then abruptly swallows down the rest of his sentence.

What Xue Yang originally wanted to suggest for Xiao Xingchen to read was Refined Tales of Jade Sword Masters from Dragon Mountains. He took the book with them when they packed back in Yi, with a vague intention of re-reading it at some point, because he knew it had to be important somehow.

Then he forgot about it, or rather pushed it out of his mind, just like everything else regarding Xiao Xingchen's origin and especially their shared past.

But now when Xiao Xingchen reminded him of all that, he finds himself thinking about the slim volume of stories about beautiful magical warriors. When Xue Yang read it as a teenager, he started to get those dreams that turned out to be memories of what his past self has done, to Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan as well as many others.

When he read it several weeks ago, Xiao Xingchen appeared in his apartment.

So who knows what would happen if he read it again now, or if Xiao Xingchen did it? The very idea of it actually struck Xue Yang with a vivid fear of Xiao Xingchen disappearing out of the blue. So no, that book should better stay where it is, which is at the bottom of Xue Yang's backpack.

"Some after Revolution stuff," he corrects himself presently when Xiao Xingchen gives him another quizzical look, "the way we write has changed quite a bit over the years. For example, a lot of characters now have simplified forms."

"Really? Simplified how?" Xiao Xingchen asks with interest. Xue Yang walks over and sits on the floor next to him.

"Like… this character for 'listening'," he says, pointing at the corresponding symbol in the open book, "it's now written like this." He takes up Xiao Xingchen's wrist and writes the character on the tender skin inside without a second thought.

Xiao Xingchen looks up to him through long eyelashes. Xue Yang's breath hitches in his throat.

"You know you can write it on paper for me now," Xiao Xingchen says softly.

Xue Yang retracts his hand as hastily as if he just got burned, feeling absolutely mortified.

"Sorry. I… forgot," he mumbles and stands up. "I'll go – find something more modern so you can learn these new characters, alright?" he throws over his shoulder before he flees the room, not waiting for Xiao Xingchen's response.

He is afraid of Xiao Xingchen's disappearance, but being together while the cultivator grows increasingly distant again is almost just as unbearable.

…

This distance grows only wider when Xiao Xingchen starts to stay at the library with his books, because just like Xue Yang suggested (and which he now regrets) he's learning the simplified characters, as well as some more modern turns of phrase, and he's making notes for that while using the library's ancient style kneeling writing desk.

Spending more and more time apart is the opposite of what Xue Yang wants, but he's too afraid of his inconvenient and surely unwelcome feelings being revealed to actively do something about it. Because even though Xiao Xingchen might have learned to tolerate or even kind of like his present self, he still clearly didn't forget the things the Xue Yang from his past has done.

They, however, still take walks together almost every day – enjoying the warm June days, with Xiao Xingchen finally looking his fill at the surrounding forests, streams and meadows.

Taking strolls together is still alright, because Xue Yang is able not to stare at Xiao Xingchen at all times because that would mean tripping over his feet. He, however, misses Xiao Xingchen's hand on his forearm. He didn't realize how used he had grown to that touch until it was gone.

Today, Xue Yang takes Xiao Xingchen up the hill above the barn buildings, to show him the waterfall. While Xiao Xingchen admires the breathtaking sight of a glistening pillar of water, which is today adorned by a rainbow halo, Xue Yang listens to the sound that has caught his attention earlier. And sure enough, when he strains his ears there it is again – something like whirring, almost hidden by the hum of falling water.

Just when he's about to ask Xiao Xingchen whether his hearing stayed as sharp as it was before, the cultivator speaks up himself.

"There is something unnatural about the sound of this waterfall."

"So you noticed it, too? What does it sound like to you?"

"It sounds like something… mechanical. Whirring, perhaps? And there's also a quiet… beeping?" Xiao Xingchen says uncertainly.

"Huh," Xue Yang mutters, deep in thought. No matter how hard he tries, he's unable to pick up the beeping, but he believes Xiao Xingchen in this respect. Whirring and beeping… whirring and beeping… that sounds almost like… "A server room," he says aloud, "why would there be a server room around here?" he mutters to himself.

"A what?" Xiao Xingchen inquires, but Xue Yang doesn't really hear him, lost in his own musings.

When they came to Cloud Recesses for the first time, Wei Wuxian said they should've found out the information that the retreat was closed at its website. If the place had a website, it had to be managed from somewhere. Xue Yang highly doubts that the facility outsources its administration, especially because Wei Wuxian also said that he used to work in IT. This means he probably takes care of it himself, and there actually is a place with Internet connection hidden somewhere on site.

But he wouldn't need an entire server room for a trifle like website management, would he? Unless… he's actually doing a lot more than website management.

A tidbit of information that Xue Yang originally considered completely irrelevant suddenly slots in place.

"Huaisang said that suibian likes rabbits," he muses aloud.

"Suibian? Who is Suibian?" Xiao Xingchen asks with such an interest that this time Xue Yang registers his question.

"A famous hacker. He's rumored to be able to break into anything. The People's Police, even the Politburo. And rumor has it that he's also behind the Great Banking Hack of 2018. You wouldn't know about that, of course, but someone managed to take several billions dollars from the world's ten richest people and divide them among the poor. Like Song Jiang, I guess you could say," Xue Yang explains, wincing a little when he realizes that the Chinese version of Robin Hood shares the surname with Xiao Xingchen's missing friend.

"Wait a moment," Xiao Xingchen says slowly, "back in my time, I heard that Wei Wuxian used to wield a sword called Suibian. It was a very unorthodox name for a sword, everyone agreed."

Xue Yang stares at him for a few seconds.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes; Wei Wuxian's sword was definitely called Suibian."

"Which means…"

"That if the modern Wei Wuxian has the abilities you mentioned, he might be the person able to help us find Song Lan," Xiao Xingchen says, his new eyes alight with hope.

"Right," Xue Yang mumbles and pretends to inspect the waterfall again just to avoid looking at the other man. Of course Xiao Xingchen wouldn't let that go. Why would he? Song Lan was his beloved friend, while Xue Yang was his sworn enemy.

He really regrets he ever made this absolutely stupid, self-sabotaging offer, but he can't go back on it. He did promise he'd find Song Lan for Little Starfish, so he'd better deliver.

He turns back to Xiao Xingchen, taking great pains to keep his expression neutral.

"I don't think we need any more proof. Let's go find Wei Wuxian and ask him about this."