AN: Home from vacation and Bella is back to her reality with new eyes

My thanks to you, MeteorOnAMoonlessNight who betas at the drop of a hat when I forget to send her the chapter, to Midnight Cougar who makes sense of my word usage and order, and finally to ghostreader24 who fills in holes and reminds me to use words that are understood on the other side of the pond. Lol

To the reviewer who said I needed a beta, I deleted your review as an insult to three very wonderful girls who do their utmost to make sure my grammar and punctuation is accurate. Any mistakes are all mine because I have been known to fiddle before I post

Thanks to everyone who reviews, follows and favorites for which I am so grateful and appreciative

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters; I just like to play with them

Deceit and Destiny Chapter 12

With the short delay in the middle of our journey, we pulled up outside Jess's house at six, a little later than we'd planned. Jess hopped out and we swapped seats, then she pulled her suitcase and carry-on out of the trunk. Mike trotted down the path to grab her cases for her, taking them into the house and leaving us to say our goodbyes.

She leaned down as I shut the driver's door and lowered the window, repeating what she'd said earlier on.

"Have you thought about calling Edward back, or at least texting him?"

"Yes, I've wanted to speak to him, and you're right, I know. I thought I might text him later once Connor's in bed." I knew it was cowardly, but I reasoned that another hour or so's wait wouldn't change the outcome.

"Well, you know where I am if you need me, Bella. You can call me any time you need to talk, day or night, so there's no need to bottle everything up inside. Promise me you'll talk to me."

"I promise, Jess, and thanks. I'll be okay once things get back to normal. I'll see you on Friday?"

"You will. Take care, and hug Connor from me." She leaned in the window to hug me and then withdrew, waving as I drove away toward home.

Ten minutes later, as I pulled up into my driveway, Mom and Connor stepped out of the front door. She grabbed at him, holding him back with her arm in case he stepped in front of the car before I brought it to a stop.

"Mom, Mom, Mom." She let him go, and he jumped off the steps and bounced down the path. I barely managed to get free of my seat belt before he threw himself into my arms, squeezing me as hard as he could. "I missed you, Momma. Can I come with you next time?"

I hugged him back just as fiercely, realizing how much I missed him, too. He was the best part of my life. I swung my legs out of the car, not letting him go as I stepped out onto the path, lifting him into my arms.

"I missed you, too, baby." I smothered his face in kisses, and for once, he didn't pull away, as boys usually did.

Mom followed him and grabbed my suitcases from the trunk, then deposited them on the ground beside us. "Hi, sweetheart. You look like you had a great time, and you've even got a tan." She stroked my arm, then pulled me in for a hug, Connor between us.

I laughed. "Anyone would, Mom. The sun never stopped shining. I really enjoyed it, although I'm really happy to be home."

Connor wriggled out from between the two of us and grabbed my smaller suitcase, dragging it up the path. I watched him struggle to drag it up onto the porch one step at a time before he turned around with a huge smile at his accomplishment. I gave him a thumbs up to let him know he'd done well as he proceeded to drag it inside the house.

"Don't let Connor fool you, Bella. He was fine with me and your dad." Mom lowered her voice to make sure Connor couldn't hear her, then scowled. "As usual, Jake didn't drop by once; not that I expected him to. Connor only asked me to call him when Jake was late the day we went to the fair."

I sighed. "I didn't think Jake would go, though I asked him to. Honestly, I have no idea what his problem is, Mom, or why he wouldn't be interested in what Connor's up to. It's not as if we haven't spoken about it. Any conversation we have just goes in one ear and out the other, and nothing ever changes, no matter how many times he says it will."

"I don't know either, sweetheart, but one day he'll regret it." She shook her head and smiled. "Anyway, let's get you inside. I've made a start on dinner for you, so there isn't much for you to do this evening."

"Thanks, Mom; it was a fabulous vacation, but I missed home, too."

Edward's face flashed across my mind, and quickly, I stamped thoughts of him back down. Time enough to let them out later. Grabbing my other suitcase, I followed Mom into the house to find Connor wrestling with the smaller one, trying to undo the zip.

"Hold on a second, Connor, it's locked."

"I was looking for my present, Mom."

"It's not in that one; it's in here."

I kneeled, unlocking and unzipping the one I'd carried in, pulling out the bag containing the gift I'd bought at the pier yesterday. Connor grabbed it excitedly and headed for the living room, soon lost in his imaginary games with his new truck.

Re-zipping the suitcase, I pushed them both into the laundry room to be dealt with after Connor had gone to bed. Mom made iced tea, and we spent a couple of hours sitting at the kitchen table, talking about the trip, then finished preparing the evening meal while Connor played in the other room with his trucks.

I sent a text to Jake to tell him I was home and dinner would be on the table in approximately an hour, but he didn't text back. Part of me was glad; I didn't want to deal with him tonight.

"I'd better get going, Bella. Your dad will be home from work shortly and we have plans for pizza and a movie, and an evening alone." She wiggled her eyebrows, and I groaned, wrinkling my nose.

"I don't want to know what you and Dad do in your alone time, Mom."

She giggled like a teenager and we walked toward the front door. She turned before making her way down the porch steps. "You know, there's something different about you, Bella."

Mom was very astute and had always been able to read my face. I looked down, suddenly fearful of what she might see. Our relationship was more than simply mother and daughter; we were also friends, and she was someone I had relied on a lot, especially since Connor was born. I knew she would always have my back.

"Don't look so worried, Bella. Whatever it is, we can talk about it when you're ready." She tucked a wayward strand of hair behind my ear and drew me in for a hug. "Spend some quality time with that wonderful son of yours, and I'll see you in a day or two. Okay?"

I nodded, my throat thick with emotions I was determined to keep tucked away. After a last hug and a wave, she was gone. Heading back indoors, I called Connor to the table, checking my phone in case Jake had miraculously sent me a reply, not surprised when there was nothing.

Connor and I sat and ate the pasta bake Mom had put together for us, though he pushed the salad I'd prepared around his plate. Since it was my first night home, I decided it wasn't important enough to make him eat it as I would normally have done. After we'd finished eating, together we cleared the table and loaded the dishes into the dishwasher before we climbed the stairs to run him a bath.

"Mo-om, I had one at Nana's yesterday. I'm not dirty, so I don't need to have one today, do I?" Connor protested indignantly.

I laughed and shook my head. "Nice one, Connor, but a quick wash in some warm water won't do you any harm, even if you are clean."

He didn't make any more fuss and allowed me to fill the bath with warm water, insisting on bubbles. I left him to play with his toys, keeping an ear out to make sure he was all right, while I laid out clean pajamas on his bed. By the time he was ready for bed, Jake still hadn't texted me back or called me, so I went ahead with storytime. Three books later, Connor was out cold. I stayed seated next to him, watching him sleep for a while, thinking about what my life would look like if Jake and I hadn't gotten married.

Eventually, I decided it was time to do a load of laundry and stood. I brushed his hair back off his forehead and kissed him lightly, wishing him goodnight. I trudged down to the laundry room and unpacked both suitcases, sorting what was in the hamper at the same time, and loaded the machine. Tucked into the smaller suitcase's pocket was the pillowcase from the hotel bed; the one Edward's head had rested on.

I closed my eyes and inhaled, his scent now faint. I forced the memories away, refusing to give in to yet another round of crying. There wasn't any point in going back down that road; it was too raw right now. Before I knew it, the washer had finished and I dumped the load into the dryer, deciding the other load could wait until morning.

A cup of hot chocolate in one hand, I made my way to the bedroom, the pillowcase tucked under my arm. It felt a bit stupid to hang onto it, but I was reluctant to throw it in with the washing. Instead, I slipped it into my lingerie drawer, knowing that Jake would never look in there. It had been a long time since he'd been interested in me in that way.

A quick shower later, and copious amounts of body lotion to try to preserve the tan I'd picked up, I dressed in my usual shorts and cami and slid into bed. Despite my earlier decisions to put everything to the back of my mind, I couldn't help torturing myself and reading through Edward's texts.

Jess was right—I should answer him, but there wasn't any point in giving him any hope for a future that couldn't exist. Whatever Edward and I had, it was over and done with now, but didn't he deserve my explanation? I wanted to call him, but I didn't think I was brave enough to hear his voice without dissolving into tears.

Scrolling to his last text, I typed and erased words a dozen times, not sure what I wanted to say.

I could feel the panic spread through me at the thought of sending the words I'd typed on the small screen. I tried to console myself with reasons: we'd spent little more than twenty-four hours together; we hadn't known each other long enough for feelings to be hurt; he'd meet someone else more suitable.

My heart clenched at the thought of him finding someone else, and with shaking hands, I deleted the words, then tossed the phone on the nightstand. Sliding down into the bed, I let the tears fall yet again.

No matter how hopeless or stupid it was, I wanted to keep the illusion of possibilities alive.

I closed my eyes, attempting to fall asleep, but despite being exhausted, my mind wouldn't let me rest, Edward's face and name on my mind. Jess had told me I deserved to be happy, and I'd admitted to her I wasn't. Of course, I loved Connor; he was a huge part of my life, but it was becoming increasingly clear the relationship between me and Jake wasn't repairable.

I knew both Mom and Dad would support me if I decided Jake and I were done, but if we did go our separate ways, where did that leave Connor? There was no doubt Jake wasn't the father Connor needed him to be, but did I have the right to pull them apart?

Then there was the issue of the house. It was Connor's home and he'd benefit from the constancy of staying, but what if Jake wanted to sell? It was my home, too, I decided, and I wouldn't be giving it up easily.

I should never have gone out with Edward during my trip, and I definitely shouldn't have slept with him. I'd broken my marriage vows and I'd have to live with that, but the time we'd spent together had shown me I could have something more than what I had with Jake.

And there was the other dilemma. Should I tell Jake about what had happened with Edward? What would that achieve? I wasn't sure if Jake would even care; it wasn't as if he wanted me. We hadn't had sex in almost six months, and it had been only a handful of times in the six months before that.

Some part of me felt guilty that I didn't feel guilty at all.

Visions of Edward over me, under me, and wrapped around me appeared in front of my closed eyes, and finally, I drifted into sleep with tears wetting the pillow.

~ oOo ~

The following morning, only the rumpled sheets on the other side of the bed told me that Jake had been home at all. The empty dish from the meal I left in the refrigerator for him the previous evening wasn't rinsed or placed in the dishwasher. I guessed he'd already gone to work.

I usually prepared him a packed lunch every evening, but I'd been too tired last night. From the empty shelves in the refrigerator, it was clear he hadn't shopped, and I sighed at yet another job I would have to tackle today, along with vacuuming, dusting, and the rest of the washing.

My mind had come to a decision overnight, which solidified when I opened my eyes. The only way to deal with what had happened with Edward was to push the emotional side of it away; to treat it as a vacation fling. I knew it would be hard to do, but I was married to Jake for better or worse—at least for now, and it was high time he and I had a serious conversation about the future.

I didn't have to be back at work until Friday, so I planned to spend today with Connor instead of sending him to summer camp. The suggested trip to the pier after breakfast was greeted with excitement, though the grocery shopping didn't get as enthusiastic a response, but he didn't make too much fuss.

As if to back up my decision regarding Edward, to put my feelings for him into the recesses of my mind, the sun appeared mid-morning, cheering me up. Connor and I headed for the pier then the grocery store, enjoying the unusual sunshine. We returned home, tired but happy only to find Jake's truck parked in the driveway, across both spots, making it difficult and time-consuming for me to unload the groceries.

My temper flared for a second and I closed my eyes to rein it in before Connor noticed. Parking at the curbside, I slid out of my seat and opened the rear door to unbuckle his seat. Helping him out, I took his hand and headed into the house.

"Jake," I called. "Where are you? Can you come and move your truck please? I have a trunk load of groceries and I don't want to be trekking it from the curb to the house."

I waited in the hall for a few minutes. "Jacob Black, will you come down here and move your truck?" I raised my voice, giving him enough time to notice that I was pretty pissed off.

His work boots were dumped haphazardly on the floor at the bottom of the stairs. With no answer from inside the house, I was pretty sure he wasn't in, but made my way upstairs to check if he was in the shower and maybe couldn't hear me over the sound of the water. Our room and the bathroom were empty, though the latter was still faintly damp.

Pushing down the anger building inside me, I sighed and headed downstairs into the kitchen, finding his truck keys thrown on the table. I assumed one of Jake's friends had picked him up. The sound of SpongeBob SquarePants echoed from the living room, and I poked my head through the doorway to find Connor lying flat on his stomach, his eyes glued to the screen.

I left Connor watching his television program and moved Jake's truck, parking it at the curb. Getting back in my car, I pulled it into the now empty driveway. It felt a little petty but satisfying to leave his vehicle on the road, and I knew it would piss him off.

"Now you'll know what it feels like," I said to myself as I dumped his keys in their proper place—in the bowl on the hall table. After unloading the groceries, I checked back in the living room; Connor hadn't moved.

"Hey, sweetheart, how does pizza sound for dinner?" I called out.

There was always a chance that he'd been so engrossed in the antics of SpongeBob that he hadn't heard me, but the action was so like Jake that my voice was sharper than the one I would have usually used with Connor.

"Connor, did you hear me? Do you want pizza for dinner?"

He rolled over, sitting up, and looked at me, making me feel guilty for snapping at him. There was no need to take my frustration at Jake out on him. "Sorry, Mom, I didn't hear you. Yes, please. Can I have pepperoni, please?"

His sweet answer mollified me, and I ordered his favorite for him. By the time the order was delivered, Jake still hadn't returned home, nor had he answered my call or texts, and I was getting increasingly annoyed. Connor and I ate in the living room, him at the coffee table, watching his Cars movie. After a bowl of ice cream and a bath, Connor was in bed and asleep by eight-thirty, with still no sign of Jake.

I contemplated throwing the rest of the pizza in the trash and leaving him with nothing to eat, but my conscience got the better of me and I put the box in the refrigerator. Even though it was only nine o'clock, I was emotionally exhausted and decided a relaxing bubble bath was a good idea. I hoped it would settle my mind and body enough to sleep. Filling the bath and adding a good amount of bubble bath, I slid under the hot water and laid back with my eyes closed.

It seemed that every time my mind was unoccupied by day-to-day details, memories of Edward assaulted me. This time was no different. Pictures of our time together ran through my mind in a kaleidoscope of images. Dancing, talking, laughing, getting to know him, and finally the night I spent with him.

At first, it was just sex, mind-blowing sex, but even then, we had a connection. The change to something more intimate was what had made me come undone. Guilt flooded me, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to regret allowing myself just one night with Edward.

For the second time today, I wished I were single. Following right on the heels of that wish was guilt; guilt at the thought that if it weren't for Connor, I would have followed Edward to San Francisco.

He might not have felt the same. No, I know he did; I'd felt it as surely as if he'd spoken the words.

Sitting up, I leaned forward, bringing my knees up and resting my forehead on them. There was no way I could keep putting myself through this; I'd go mad. Either I had to make more of an effort to make a go of things with Jake, or I could call our marriage over now and forge a new life with Connor.

"Edward isn't an option," I said out loud. "Come on, Bella, you need to stop wallowing. It's not as if you really know Edward. You're behaving as if he was the love of your life."

Eventually, when the water was almost cold, I stepped out and wrapped myself in my bathrobe, before drying my hair. What I really wanted to do was to bury myself in bed and not think at all, but I knew my hair would be a frizzed-up mess tomorrow morning if I didn't at least partially dry it and put it up. Once I considered it dry enough, I slathered my skin with body lotion, slipped on my usual nightwear, and then between the sheets.

Sleep came easily but was littered with dreams. Delicious kisses I could get drunk on, his head between my legs as his tongue brought me to ecstasy. Long limbs, strong thighs, and heated skin surrounding me, driving into me and filling me over and over again. It was still dark when I awoke with my hand in my shorts stroking my clit.

I cried out Edward's name when I came, freaking out for a moment until I noticed the empty sheets beside me. Slowly, my breathing calmed, but falling back to sleep seemed to be an impossible task as I tossed and turned. Finally, I got out of bed and rummaged in the back of my underwear drawer for the hotel pillowcase. Back under the comforter, I tucked it under my head and eventually drifted off to Edward's comforting, but fading, scent.

~ oOo ~