Chapter One - It's Not Easy Being Me

CROWFROST

Sometimes, it was hard being me.

Oh, who was I kidding? It was always hard being me!

Crowfrost. The handsome deputy of ShadowClan, who was practically perfect in every possible way.

… Alright, maybe perfect was a bit of a stretch. But I was so close that it was scary. And that wasn't my ego talking; it was my Clanmates!

"Oh Crowfrost, you're so dreamy!"

"Crowfrost, Rowanstar couldn't have chosen a better deputy!"

"Wow, Crowfrost, you're practically perfect in every possible way!"

Was it ridiculous that my Clanmates adored me even more than StarClan themselves? A little. But who was I to crush their admiration?

"I don't believe my eyes,'' said a voice behind me, and I didn't need to turn around to recognize Scorchfur. He sat down beside me, a gleam in his eyes. "Looks like yet another she-cat has set her heart on you."

I followed Scrochfur's gaze until I noticed the she-cat in question: Grassheart. Our eyes met, and she looked coyly down at her paws. I bit back a nasty retort.

"No thanks," I meowed, then headed towards the fresh-kill pile. Scorchfur wouldn't ask where my bitterness came from; he already knew. Grassheart was a Dark Forest trainee.

I busied myself with digging through the fresh-kill pile, waiting for Scorchfur to join me. "You know you can't resent them forever." Ah, there he was.

I picked up a spotted toad and settled down to eat it. "Want to share?"

"Crowfrost."

"I know spotted toads are your favorite."

Scorchfur sighed loudly, but finally gave up and laid down to share the toad. "Careful," I teased. "You're starting to sound like an elder."

Indignation flashed across his face. "I'm younger than you are!" He protested.

"Maybe, but I've still got she-cats chasing after me."

Scorchfur rolled his eyes. "First of all, I have a mate who is expecting my kits that I'm quite fond of, and I don't want another she-cat-"

"Good, because they all want me."

"Second of all, you sound like an arrogant fur-ball-"

"No, I sound like a handsome arrogant fur-ball."

"Third of all it is impossible to sound handsome, and lastly, why do you care about how many she-cats moon over you when you don't have any interest in taking a mate?"

"It's not that I'm not interested," I protested. " I just haven't found 'the one' yet."

Scorchfur gave me a knowing look. "So what was wrong with Ivytail, Olivenose, Pinenose, and Sedgewhisker?"

"Simple. Ivytail was too uptight; it was too awkward hooking up with my former apprentice; Pinenose needed too much attention; and I forget Sedgewhisker was in WindClan."

Scorchfur frowned. "And how did you forget that Sedgewhisker lived in WindClan?"

"I... got lost in her eyes?" I offered. Scorchfur shook his head.

"You're terrible."

"Fine, if you're such an expert, then how do I know when I find the right one? How did you know Snowbird was the one?"

Slowly, Scorchfur smiled and his eyes lit up. "Because I want to make her happy more than anything. I want to be by her side forever, make her every wish come true, absorb all the pain she's ever felt, and make sure she'll never feel it again."

"What a sap. At least I can confidently say that I've never felt that way towards anyone before." I groaned dramatically. "Oh Scorchfur, why couldn't you have been born a she-cat?! Then I wouldn't have any problem finding a mate!"

Scorchfur cuffed my ear. "Stop that right now," he ordered. "It's creepy."

I ducked his paw. "No, really, it would have solved everything. Your warrior name could have been Scorchsky, or maybe Scorchheart? No, wait, I got it: Scorchpetal!"

"You," Scorchfur growled, "are an incompetent lizard-brain who is going to burn this Clan to the ground."

"And you are my soulmate from another lifetime, Scorchpetal. Get over it."

Suddenly someone cleared their throat. I turned around and saw a very confused Starlingwing. "Um, am I interrupting something?" he asked. Scorchfur developed a rapid interest in our shared toad.

"Not a thing," I meowed. "What's up, Starlingwing?"

"Rowanstar wants to see you in his den," he explained. "Something about a Ceremony."

"Waspstripe took his warrior assessment today," I remembered. "It sounds like he passed! Thanks, Starlingwing." I stood up and shook the dust out of my pelt as Starlingwing padded away.

Scorchfur stared after the ginger warrior. "Starlingwing trained in the Dark Forest too," he said. "Why don't you resent him?"

I shrugged. "He was young; barely even a warrior."

"Grassheart was literally an apprentice."

I shot Scorchfur a look. "Don't ask questions if you don't like the answers."

"Don't pick favorites if you want to be a good deputy," Scorchfur shot back.

"Enjoy the toad!" I called over my shoulder.

Dawn Frost

I could feel my Clanmates' eyes on me as I stood outside of Rowanstar's den. Most of them stared at me like I was a StarClan warrior, but some were jealous. I was tempted to shoot a glare their way but tossed the idea.

Not only was I their deputy, but I was young considering the position; I was an exceptional warrior; I was handsome. I had dozens of cats from every Clan throwing themselves at me. I didn't have to prove anything to anyone.

"But this is so unfair!" I turned back to Rowanstar's Den, startled. "You promised me-"

"Dawnpelt, I've already explained why I changed my mind!" I rolled my eyes. Of course he's arguing with Dawnpelt. Ugh. Just thinking her name gave me a headache.

Dawnpelt was spoiled rotten. She was always praised for everything she did, from taking her first steps outside the Nursery to catching a lizard on her first hunt and to landing a perfect strike in battle. Maybe she wouldn't be so spoiled if Rowanstar wasn't her father, if Tawnypelt wasn't her mother, but she was ShadowClan royalty and a royal thorn in my side.

And yet I seemed to be the only cat who despised her; maybe because she was absolutely gorgeous. It wasn't even worth denying it, no one could name a prettier ShadowClan warrior. As many cats mooned over me, there were cats who would chew off their own paw for the chance to entertain her.

But it was just as well that I loathed Dawnpelt, because she despised the ground that I walked upon.

(Case and point:)

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I wasn't prepared for her to burst out of Rowanstar's Den, and before I could move out of her way, we collided head-on. I was knocked off my paws and hit the ground heavy. And here comes that head-ache! "Watch where you're going, Dawnpelt!" I snapped, getting back on my paws.

"Watch where you're standing, Crowfrost!" Dawnpelt retorted, venomously. "Maybe you shouldn't be eavesdropping on my father!"

My jaw dropped. "Rowanstar requested my presence; I couldn't care less about whatever it is you were squawking about! And by the way, no, my skull doesn't feel broken, but thanks for asking."

Dawnpelt snorted. "Oh please, you're skull is as thick as they come. Nothing short of a monster could break it."

I smiled and said, "Don't underestimate yourself, Sweetheart; you're just as heavy as one."

"Lizard-face!"

"Fox-breath!"

"Mouse-heart!"

"Dung-face!"

"That's enough!" Rowanstar's voice boomed across the camp. "Great StarClan, were you trying to attract StarClan's attention? Because you sure got everyone else!"

I looked across the camp and saw that our Clanmates had stopped whatever they were doing, and were shamelessly watching us. I narrowed my eyes and some of the more respectful warriors had the sense to look elsewhere.

Rowanstar huffed when neither of us answered him, and he turned to look at Dawnpelt. "Really?" He asked. He sounded like they'd just had this exact conversation.

Dawnpelt's eyes widened. "Me?!" she cried. "Crowfrost is the one who started it!"

I scoffed. "Oh, please! I was waiting for my audience with Rowanstar when you-"

"Enough," Rowanstar snapped.

Dawnpelt turned away. "Whatever," she muttered. "You're just going to defend him again anyway." She shoved past me and stormed out of camp.

"Well," I started. "I see your daughter is just as pleasant as always."

Rowanstar shot me a look, but reluctantly agreed. "I can't say I'm surprised, although I hoped that she would take the news better." What news?

"Come on, you've waited long enough," he meowed, gesturing to his den. "It's about time for Wasppaw's Warrior Ceremony."

My ears perked up. "So Wasppaw passed?"

Rowanstar's eyes gleamed. "Tigerheart said that he performed flawlessly. He'll be a valuable addition to our ranks." Wasppaw was Tigerheart's first apprentice. Rowanstar must've pleased that his son was capable of training such an impressive warrior.

Even though I wasn't much more fond of Tigerheart, I was proud of Wasppaw. Wasppaw was the last kit born to Shrewfoot and Toadfoot, the latter who died in the Dark Forest Battle. I'd shared a den with Toadfoot for many moons, and it felt like a kick to the gut every time I walked by the empty space where his nest used to be.

"When are we holding the ceremony?" I asked, chasing the thought away.

"Tomorrow afternoon. Right before the evening patrols go out."

I nodded, making a mental note to delay the evening patrols as I stood to my paws. "Sounds like a plan. If that's all, I'll be on my-"

"I wasn't done, Crowfrost."

I stifled a groan. Great, I knew where this was going. "Yes, Rowanstar?" I asked purely out of formalities.

Rowanstar moved to the front of his den and beckoned me to follow. Side by side we observed the camp, watching as warriors returned from patrol, ate fresh-kill, and shared tongues. "You know it can't be avoided," Rowanstar finally meowed.

"Not avoided. Just put off."

"They're six moons old, Crowfrost."

"How do we know they can be trusted?"

"They're kits." Rowanstar turned me. "I know you're angry with Ratscar and Pinenose; I certainly understand where you're coming from. But their kits are innocent. And as deputy it's your job to put aside any personal grudges you have against your Clanmates."

No, as deputy it's my job to assign patrols and be present as ceremonies, I thought bitterly. Of course I couldn't voice that thought; only Dawnpelt could get any with such a comment. I would get my ears shredded.

I hid my frown by ducking my head, and meowed, "It's just… challenging. But you're right, they're of age. So I assume you want to go over the mentors for Hailkit, Honeykit, and Cloverkit?"

Rowanstar nodded. "I already have Hailkit's picked out. You."

"Pardon?"

"You haven't had an apprentice since Olivenose, and she's turned out to be a credit to ShadowClan. I'm sure that you're capable of training another exceptional warrior." Rowanstar didn't even bother to word his order like a suggestion. I was going to train Hailpaw, and that was final.

But my initial shock gave way. It truly was an honor to receive an apprentice, and Hailkit was a strong young cat. It wouldn't be hard to mold him into an impressive warrior, and that would just be another credit towards me.

"I'll do my best," I said.

"I expect nothing less. Now that leaves just Honeykit and Cloverkit."

My eyes fell on the two she-kits tussling outside the nursery. Cloverkit was a little bigger than her sister, and soon had Honeykit pinned down. I couldn't help but be entertained by their game. I remember when that was me and Smokefoot. I made a mental note to visit him in the Elders' Den when I finished with Rowanstar.

Actually… "What do you think about Owlclaw to mentor Cloverkit?" I suggested. "He's level-headed and a great hunter, and would balance her out well."

Rowanstar thought about it for a minute, then agreed. "Owlclaw would be a good match for her." He glanced at me. "Smokefoot trained him well."

Maybe I was displaying some favoritism towards my brother's apprentice, but in this situation it didn't hurt anyone. Smokefoot and I had trained Olivenose and Owlclaw together, and recently I had a better relationship with him than my own apprentice.

It helped that Owlclaw never stepped paw into the Dark Forest. If Hailkit wanted to train with his sisters, then I wanted the other mentors to be cats I liked.

"That just leaves Honeykit," Rowanstar meowed.

"I don't suppose she wants to train as a medicine cat? She spends a lot of time with Littlecloud." But Rowanstar shook his head.

"I wish, but none of them have mentioned it to me. I think Honeykit is just curious." A thoughtful expression dawned on Rowanstar's face. "While I'm glad that Honeykit is curious, I don't want that curiosity to land her in trouble. She needs someone who will keep a stern eye on her."

"Ivytail?"

"Ivytail."

I grinned and returned my attention to the kits. "Well, I can speak from personal experience that nothing gets past Ivytail. She has the eyesight of a hawk."

Rowanstar humed. "Who would have thought that all of your flings would be useful to pairing mentors to kits?" I rolled my eyes.

"Ha ha. Well, if we're finished here, I want to visit Smokefoot-"

"Crowfrost, I have a favor to ask you." Oh, great. I already didn't like the sound of this.

I shifted on my haunches, smiled charmingly at Rowanstar and hoped he would be merciful. "What's that?"

"When you begin training Hailkit, will you ask Dawnpelt for her help?"

My smile froze. "Pardon?"

Rowanstar didn't even look away from the tusseling kits. "After Tigerheart was given Wasppaw to mentor, Dawnpelt became convinced that she would mentor one of Ratscar's kits. She started spending so much time with the kits to the point where I think she would be too soft on them, but if she were simply to help..."

"I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but your precious daughter and I don't get along."

Rowanstar narrowed his eyes in a warning. "I'm fully aware of your relationship with Dawnpelt, which is another reason why I'm asking you to work with her. Crowfrost, you and Dawnpelt have more in common than you realize."

I snorted. "Forgive me if I disagree."

"I don't need you to agree with me. Just think about it." He laid his tail across my back and added, "It's not an order. I'm asking my former apprentice for a favor." My whole body stiffened.

Oh. No. He. Didn't.

He did not just use the whole "former apprentice" excuse on me! Why that sly, no-good, sorry excuse for a Clan leader/friend/former mentor! He knows I won't say 'no' when he puts it like that! Because for all my faults, I was pathetically loyal. Oh, he is good!

"I'll… I'll think about it," I finally meowed.

"I knew you wouldn't let me down, Crowfrost." Rowanstar tapped me with his tail, as if I'd already agreed. He stood to his paws and padded out of his den, leaving me alone and weary.

Dawn Frost

I regretted my decision to tell Smokefoot about my problem almost immediately.

Smokefoot was laughing at me, very rudely so. I glared silently at him, even used my special glare on him (the one I reserved for Dawnpelt), but he hardly noticed. He finally stopped laughing when his lungs could no longer handle it and he started coughing harshly.

"Careful," I mocked. That low-down, dirty, sorry excuse for a brother deserved it!

But as Smokefoot continued to hack, my bitterness melted into concern. "Okay, seriously, are you okay? Should I go get Littlecloud?"

But Smokefoot shook his head. He managed to catch his breath and said, "I-I should have mo-monitored myself.".

He should have monitored how much he laughed? I thought sadly. This is the cat who could run to the lake and back without feeling winded. And now he has to watch how much he laughs? Suddenly I was overcome with the desire to take on the entire Dark Forest myself.

Smokefoot had taken a patrol to ThunderClan during the Dark Forest Battle, where they were ambushed. Most of the patrol returned unscathed but Smokefoot had been slammed hard against a tree, permanently damaging his lungs. At Littlecloud's urging, he retired early to the Elders' Den.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I pressed. "Littlecloud's sorting his herbs right now, but your health is more important than a bunch of dumb flowers and stems."

"Crowfrost," Smokefoot said sharply, "I'm fine. If you go get Littlecloud, I'll shred your ears."

I drew back with a huff. "Alright, sheesh. I was just trying to help."

"I don't need your help, lizard-brain. I just laughed too hard, that's all."

I glared at the den walls, relieved that the other elders were too busy sunning themselves outside to notice their deputy pouting. Stupid Smokefoot, always too stubborn for his own good.

I snapped out of my thoughts when Smokefoot laid his tail across my back. I looked up and saw his eyes were filled with amusement. "Fox-heart."

"You know you're not really mad at me."

"But I can still pretend."

Smokefoot rolled his eyes. "Getting back to our conversation," he started, "why did Rowanstar ask you of all cats to partner up with Dawnpelt? You can barely say two words before an argument starts."

"That's what I said. But noo, Rowanstar thinks this will be good for us, like we'll bond through Hailkit and form some unbreakable friendship or mutual respect or something. He needs to just accept the fact that his daughter is a spoiled brat and we'll never get along; everyone else has!"

"He really used the 'former apprentice' excuse on you?"

"Yes! How low is that?!"

Smokefoot shrugged. "Well, in Rowanstar's defense-"

"Wha- Rowanstar doesn't get a defense! Don't you dare defend him!"

"You used to brag all the time about how the deputy was your mentor," Smokefoot continued, as if I hadn't even spoken. "And may I remind you that he became deputy after you became a warrior?"

Fox-heart. Lizard-brain. Fox-hearted-lizard-brain!

"Whose side are you on?" I challenged.

"I'm not on anyone's side, Crowfrost. I'm just being reasonable."

I glared at him. "You've been spending time with Scorchfur recently, haven't you?"

"… he might have stopped by this morning." Smokefoot looked at me curiously. "Do you honestly believe that if Scorchfur was a she-cat, all your problems would be solved?"

I groaned and buried my face in my paws. "Of course I don't! I just like messing with that little snitch!" I paused, then asked, "Did he really come here to tattle on me?"

Smokefoot chuckled. "Not necessarily tattling on you, more like complaining."

I looked up from my paws. "You know, Snowbird only has a couple moons until the kits are due. Then Scorchfur is going to be a father, and we're going to be uncles!" I sighed. "Who would've thought that Scorchfur would have a family before either of us?"

"Maybe because he's been padding after Snowbird ever since he could walk," Smokefoot retorted. "Meanwhile we've been jumping from she-cat to she-cat like frogs on a lily pad." He paused. "Actually, when you think about it, it's a miracle that we aren't fathers yet!"

"Scorchfur was hounding me about when I'm finally going to settle down, again. You'd think he would be tired of that conversation by now." I cocked my head to the side, curious. "Are you going to take a mate, now that you're living the slow life? Or are you going to continue your player ways even from the Elders' Den?"

Smokefoot grinned like he was keeping a secret. "Haven't decided yet."

I opened my mouth to press him about it when a new voice cut in. "Smokefoot, Littlecloud asked me to… am I interrupting something?"

I turned around and didn't bother hiding my scowl when I saw Applefur; another traitor to ShadowClan. The she-cat refused to look at me, staring pointedly at Smokefoot.

"No, it's fine," I said stiffly, as I stood to my paws. "I was just leaving."

I noticed she had a honeycomb with her. She must be delivering it for Littlecloud. I frowned. Is the order of herbs really so important that Littlecloud sent a traitor to deliver Smokefoot's medicine? The next time Littlecloud left to meet with the other medicine cats, I was going to sneak into his den and rearrange all his precious herbs on purpose.

"I'll talk to you later, Crowfrost," Smokefoot meowed. I nodded but didn't say another word as I left the den, reluctantly leaving the two cats alone.

Maybe Rowanstar has a point, I thought. As the deputy I shouldn't play favorites with my Clanmates. But then again, how can I not? I used to think that I could trust every cat in ShadowClan; the next thing I know I'm being ambushed by cats I sleep beside.

It's their own fault I can't trust them. They only have themselves to blame.

My gaze was drawn to the Nursery. Dawnpelt had returned to camp apparently, as she was sunning herself outside, entertaining the kits with a story. Ratscar and Pinenose watched them proudly only a few fox-lengths away. I zeroed in on Hailkit and sighed when I realized that he had his father's blue eyes.

Disregarding the fact that mentoring an apprentice is an honor, I just don't understand how Rowanstar expects me to mentor the son of two traitors. And with Dawnpelt's help, no less!

But he didn't leave me with much of a choice. Today was my last day of normality; tomorrow the torture would begin.

Sometimes, it was hard being me.

Welcome to Dawn Frost! It's my only completed longfic and even though it's kinda cringe, it holds a special place in my heart. I hope it will in yours too, someday.

REVISED: 1/25/21