"Anything-Goes Legal Maneuvering"
by RanChan2k3
Chapter 1
"Neutralizing Nodoka"
The Tendo girls were all looking at Nodoka Saotome as if she had grown a second head. This woman - ostensibly Ranma's mother - had just told them she had a signed contract stating that if her son was not a 'man among men' he and his father would be forced to commit seppuku. Not only that, she fully intended to enforce this contract. In fact, the only girl seated around the table who didn't look horrified...
...was Ranma herself.
"Mrs. Saotome?" came the voice of a thoughtfully frowning Ranma-chan. "Do ya happen to have a copy of this contract with ya that I could take a look at?"
Nodoka blinked, as did the rest. "Well, yes, I suppose that would be all right." And then Nodoka passed the contract to Ranma-chan, who took it and began to read.
A facet of Ranma not often talked about is his supremely flexible tactical mind. The topic of this seppuku contract had triggered the red-head's fight-or-flight response. In most realities, this would have led to Ranma hiding from his mother in female form under some contrived identity, and, naturally, hijinks would ensue. But not here. In this reality, she decided to go on the offensive. And this Ranma had been taking notes from the finest legal mind in Nerima: Nabiki Tendo.
"I have two notes to bring up," Ranma-chan began. "First, this is obviously the handprint of a child under the age of 5. No judge on the face of this planet is going to believe that your son fully understood what he was allegedly agreeing to when he applied his handprint to this piece of paper. Second, I have a question that you would've heard from an attorney if you'd bothered to draw this up properly instead of improvising something at the last minute: What is a 'man among men'? It can't just be whatever you decide it is. If you can't provide me with a concrete, legal definition that would hold up under scrutiny in a court of law, I would be bound by both honor and duty to destroy this contract so it can't be used against you as evidence to charge you with conspiring to murder your husband and son."
Kasumi and Nodoka both gasped.
Akane gaped at Ranma-chan as if she'd never seen the neo-girl before.
And Nabiki...
...Nabiki clapped in approval.
"Our little red-head has a point, I'm afraid," Nabiki elaborated with a smirk. "This contract in its current form, at least as far as your son is concerned, is completely unenforceable. Sure, you've got Uncle Genma over a barrel of sorts, but you still need a concrete legal definition of the term 'man among men'. Sorry, Auntie, it looks like you won't be anyone's second for seppuku today after all."
Nodoka looked like all the air had been let out of her. "But...but...the contract...Genma promised...I..."
Ranma-chan snorted. "He promised? That old man breaks promises all the time. Kasumi, can ya get me some hot water, please? I need to explain a few things to this woman about exactly what kind of man she married."
Kasumi obediently got up and headed to the kitchen.
One sex change and a long and detailed autobiography later...
Nodoka could only stare at her son in horror after hearing about all the things he had gone through at the hands of his father. "Ranma...my son...I'm so..." Her eyes drifted down to the seppuku contract laying forgotten on the table. Her face contorting in fury and determination, she snatched up the contract, then stood and marched to the kitchen, the others following curiously. Stopping in front of the stove, Nodoka turned on one of the gas burners, then dropped the contract into the flames, letting it burn to ashes. "I cannot and will not force my son to commit seppuku," she declared. "He is a true man no matter how you choose to define it simply by virtue of the fact that he remained an honorable and decent human being in spite of the hell he went through growing up. As for my husband..." Her tone on that word was filled with contempt and disgust. "...seppuku is far too good for an honorless abomination like him."
Akane tilted her head. "So what are you gonna do instead, Auntie?"
Nodoka smiled at Akane. "I'm going to contact my attorney and begin a very public divorce from him. One in which I'll be issuing subpoenas to all the families Henna defrauded with his little engagement scheme and - if he is willing - having my son testify against him, perhaps with a glass of cold water nearby."
Ranma smirked. "I'd be happy to, on a couple of conditions. One: Transfer me off Pop's family roster and onto yours. Two: Set it up so I'm not a legal non-entity if circumstances mean your son has to be your daughter for a while, like if the hot water heater goes on the fritz or I get stuck in girl form for one reason or another."
Nodoka considered, then nodded. "Deal."
"And while I'm still in the mood to settle things with law instead of just punching people until they stop moving," continued Ranma, "how 'bout you an' me take a little trip to a certain Chinese noodle place in the area?"
"It would be my absolute pleasure."
Ranma and Nodoka had not, in all honesty, proceeded straight to the Cat Cafe. First, Ranma used some cold water to become female ("Amazons, Mom, they'll respond better if I'm there as a female warrior like them."), and then they'd gone to put Ranma-chan into a properly fitted kimono, even putting her hair up in a style similar to her mother's in order to accentuate the family resemblance between them. It was this very formal looking pair that entered the restaurant, immediately drawing attention from everyone present. Curious, Cologne pogoed over on her cane. "Welcome to the Cat Cafe. Am I safe in assuming you are not here to partake of our wares this afternoon?"
Nodoka peered down at the elderly woman. "Correct, we are not. You are the Elder Cologne, are you not?"
"I am. And you are...?"
"I am Nodoka Saotome, Ranma's mother. Is there somewhere private we could talk?"
Cologne peered up thoughtfully for a long moment, first at Ranma, then at Nodoka, beginning to get the bizarre feeling that she'd woken up in some strange alternate universe this morning. "...Of course. This way. Mousse! Shampoo! Mind the restaurant while I chat upstairs with our...guests." They then proceeded upstairs to the apartment over the restaurant. Taking seats around the living room table, Cologne was the first to speak. "Now, then. What is it you wish to discuss?"
Nodoka nodded. "Straight to the point, then? Very well. You are to cease your pursuit of my child - in either form - immediately."
Cologne narrowed her eyes. "And if I refuse?"
Ranma spoke up. "You are Chinese nationals attempting to either abduct or inflict grievous bodily harm upon a noble-born Japanese citizen on Japanese soil. Should your efforts ever be successful, the Japanese government would consider it an act of war between our two nations. Naturally, this would draw in Japan's allies as well, including the United States. Given a choice between open war with the most powerful military on Earth or labeling your tribe an enemy of the state and acting accordingly, which do you think your Communist leaders would choose?"
Cologne's eyes widened in shock. There it was, the ultimate nightmare for her people, spelled out in no uncertain terms. "I..." She felt like the floor had just vanished from underneath her.
Ranma-chan smiled, a slow, satisfied smile that held no humor in it whatsoever. "It's dawning on you now, isn't it? It's dawning on you just how badly you've screwed up. All ya had to do was stay in the village an' don't give Shampoo any support. She woulda been seen as a rogue element, a single lone lawbreaker out of a country of more than a billion. She woulda failed, she woulda been arrested, she woulda been deported back to her village in China, an' you guys coulda dealt with her however ya saw fit. But no, the minute you showed up an' hit me with that Cat Tongue pressure point, her lone criminal activity became a sanctioned Amazon mission. Now your whole village is boned. We both know that with modern technology like nukes an' bomber planes, the only way your village survives is by not bein' a massive liability. Now, the only way your village gets to see another sunrise is if you make the smart decision you shoulda made back when Shampoo first returned without me. Ball's in your court, Old Ghoul. Your move."
Cologne swallowed heavily. Her pride as an Amazon demanded immediate redress for the affront given by this uppity outsider male, but her reason ruthlessly suppressed that impulse. He had her by the short and curlies, and he knew it. She really only had two options: capitulate and preserve the village, or press on and condemn the Amazons to extinction. She sighed and bowed her head. "...Very well. You win...Ranma. In my official capacity as an Elder of the Amazons, I absolve you of any and all obligations towards the Amazon tribe. No Kiss of Death, no Kiss of Marriage, no anything. We will pack up the restaurant and return home by the end of the week."
Ranma grinned and looked over at her mother. "See? I told you this one could be reasonable." The Saotome duo stood to leave, but Ranma turned one last time to look at Cologne. "Ya know, if ya hadn't rolled up in here an' immediately started treatin' me like dirt, I might've left with you guys. I've been catchin' abuse my whole life from old jerks who decided my opinion didn't matter. Ya been a great teacher an' all, but I was never gonna leave one abusive environment for another one. Sorry. Maybe ya oughta rethink those outsider laws of yours so this kinda thing doesn't happen again. See ya." And then they left, leaving a sad and thoughtful Amazon Elder behind.
(Author's Note: And that's a wrap for the first chapter! Yep, starting a new story here, featuring a smarter, more analytical Ranma who's been taking notes from all those losses to Nabiki. This probably won't be a Ranma-chan story even though he spent most of this first chapter in female form; I'm not completely ruling it out, but I'm about 85% decided on that. Anyway! Questions? Comments? Complaints? Read and review, and I will see you guys in the next one. Bye! ^_^)