Trigger Warnings - flashbacks, self loathing, panic attacks

Chapter 30 Hope for Happiness

Waking up at six in the morning to clean out stalls and feed the horses was something Regina found she didn't mind doing. In fact she found a sense of calm and peace in waking up before the sun rose and spending time with such gentle creatures. It's been so long since she's been around them. She had riding lessons as a young child. She had met Daniel in her classes, and had grown up riding horses with him. Had fallen in love with him when she was 16 and he had kissed her for the first time out in the fields one summer. She had a lot of history when it came to the Storybrooke Stables. Even if this wasn't the same stable, a lot of memories still came rushing back to her. The morning before, when she had first stepped inside, she had become overwhelmed with his presence. She had felt him all around her and Mal had seen it immediately, had her take a moment to sit down and breathe. She acknowledged his death, something only Emma and Archie had done. Mal gave her a moment to breathe. So Regina had sat there, lost in her memories, her eyes burning from her tears once the older woman had taken Hunter and gave her a moment alone. She was shocked that Mal had trusted her to be on her own while so upset.

She allowed herself to cry, to grieve, to finally let herself feel the entirety of his loss. After the accident, her life had been dictated for her. She lost control and wasn't even given a moment to grieve her boyfriend's death, let alone even say goodbye. She hasn't even visited his grave. Over the years she had plenty of opportunity to sneak away and see him, but she could never bring herself to actually do it. Now, she was planning on visiting him for the first time when she goes back to Storybrooke.

Once the horses had either finished or ate most of their breakfast, she started leading them out to the pasture like Mal had taught her. All except Hunter. She was under strict instructions from Mal that she was not allowed to approach him. Mal would be taking care of him herself. He only trusted her, and Mal had stressed to Regina that he might hurt her if she went near him.

As she cleaned out the stalls, she can hear Hunter neighing. She glanced curiously in his direction a few times. Mal would be here any moment to feed him and take him out so she didn't dare approach him in case she'd get caught. She recognized an abused soul when he saw one, and could see the fear and distrust in his eyes. She was amazed at how much Hunter trusted Mal. She wondered if she could ever trust someone like that, besides Emma and Henry. The thought of trusting anyone to that extent terrified her. She barely trusted Mal as it was and the thought of completely opening up to her made her feel like the world might just end. Maybe it would. She had closed herself off for so long she had no idea how to even open up to the woman who was only trying to help her.

She stepped closer to the stall, seeing a big brown eye peeking at her through a slight crack in the wood. He was looking at her curiously and for some reason she felt connected to the gentle and hurt soul. It might sound crazy to anyone else, but she could have sworn they somehow made a connection.

"You're much stronger than I could ever be," she told him, before backing up and resuming her work. She was just about done when Mal finally arrived. She nodded at Regina as she approached where she was dumping fresh feed in the last stall.

"Good work, I'll lead Hunter out to his separate paddock and then clean his stall. Why don't you go inside and get cleaned up, maybe have some more coffee and relax before our technique workshop."

"You trust me to be alone?" she asked, surprised that Mal was letting her out of her sight.

"Of course I do," Mal leveled her with a trusting gaze. "Trusting you is the first step in getting you to trust me."

Regina nodded, a small smile threatening to form on her lips, and just as she was turning to leave, that cool voice stopped her.

"Regina?"

She stopped by the doorway and turned to look at her doctor.

"Don't make me regret it."

For some reason, this morning, it felt like her heart was lighter. She felt like today, her traumas weren't as suffocating as they usually are. Regina made it back into the quiet cabin. This was the first time in so long that she had been left alone. After her suicide attempts, Emma had always made sure Regina was never alone in the house, and for good reason too. She was terrified that Regina might do something to hurt herself.

For some reason this small piece of freedom Mal had given her made her happy.

She quickly showered and got dressed in slacks and a blouse, confident she wouldn't be doing any more stable work. She eyed the stack of jeans on the dresser Mal had given her. She was disgusted by them and hasn't put them away, but now… Now she doesn't mind them so much. In an instant, she swapped the slacks for a clean pair and finally understood why Emma wore them so much. They were way more comfortable than the tight pencil skirts and slacks she often wore. Besides, she was in the middle of nowhere. There was no need to wear professional clothing.

She grabbed her phone off the dresser and smiled at the good morning message from Henry. She spent a few minutes texting him, before heading into the kitchen. She started a fresh pot of coffee and made sure to make enough for Mal in case she wanted a cup too.

As she waited for it to brew, she opened the cabinet, her heart suddenly racing as she took a mug out and placed it on the counter. Her hand shook, her arm feeling heavy as she forced herself to steadily set it down on the counter. She thought about the past couple days, how Mal had her throwing mugs to overcome her fears of being punished for breaking a dish. She knew it was silly to be triggered by something that shouldn't matter, but in her world, a broken dish was enough for Graham to come over and make sure she didn't need to go to the hospital. She took several breaths, trying to calm her anxiety before it became overwhelming. She gripped the counter, closed her eyes and practiced the breathing techniques Mal had taught her.

She was tired of letting such a silly fear trigger her. She was tired of being afraid.

Flashes of shattering glass, Leopold pushing her down and kicking her rushed through her mind, and she tried desperately to push them back. She wouldn't let the bad memories send her into a spiral of fear and darkness.

She had fallen on her hands and knees, the glass painfully cut and dug into her knees and palms. She looked up at the man who had dared to call himself her husband. She looked up at him with wide fearful eyes as he yelled at her for being a clumsy fool. And just as he was about to kick her, the fear bubbled up within her. Not just for her, but for the tiny life she had just discovered was growing inside her.

"I'm pregnant!" she screamed, tears streaming down her cheeks. He stopped, his foot stopping in midair. She flinched back. "Don't kick me. I'm pregnant," she whispered through tears. She was shaking so hard from the fear.

She watched his face go from anger to shock and then something dark flickered in those cold eyes. His face contorted into rage once more. His anger drove him. He kicked her hard in the ribs and she fell onto the shattered glass from the mug she had dropped. She cried out as she felt the glass dig deeper into her skin. She felt her cheek stinging as her face made contact with the floor. She curled in on herself, protecting her stomach as he kicked her one more time. She cried into her arms, knowing he didn't care about their baby. She had seen the disgust behind the anger. He would never love their child like he loved Mary Margaret. In that moment she knew, she'd either lose the baby from miscarriage, or she might be forced to give it up in fear of Leopold abusing it like her.

A hand was suddenly on her shoulder, her eyes flew open, not even aware of the tears that had been streaming down her cheeks. She flinched back to see Mal looking at her with concern. She was shaking, her hands trembling as she took several panicked steps away from the older woman. The blood had drained from her face, making her look far too pale.

"Regina?" Mal's voice was apprehensive. "Talk to me."

Fear rushed through her, her mind still trapped in the memory. She couldn't even begin to talk about it. "I can't…" she whispered. Even if she was no longer married to Leopold, she could still feel his tight grip on her. He instilled so much pain and fear in her, that just talking about the trauma had her shaking from head to toe.

"Regina, breathe," Mal encouraged her, not daring to step closer and invade her personal space, not when she didn't trust her. "Did you have a flashback?" she asked. "It's just a yes or no question."

Yes or no. She could do that. She took several breaths, desperately trying to regulate her breathing. She was shaking so hard, and she strangely felt cold even if she had broken out in a cold sweat.

"Yes," she said softly, sinking to the ground and sitting against the counter. Her legs were feeling like jelly. Mal knelt to her level but kept her distance.

"Are you feeling safe?"

"No."

"Do you know where you are?"

"Yes."

"Do you know that Leopold no longer has control or power over you?"

What?! That question caught her off guard. Of course she knew that, but it didn't feel like it . He was still haunting her in her dreams, her nightmares, and even when she was awake in the middle of the day. He haunted her every single moment.

She didn't answer the question.

"Regina, he has no control over you, as long as you don't allow him to. Talking about the abuse does not bring him back. He can't hurt you anymore."

"I have no control," she cried, not realizing Mal had been taking a single step closer with each question.

"Yes, you do," Mal whispered, almost reaching out to touch her but pulled back as if she had thought better of it. She was now kneeling before her. "Nothing will happen if you tell me where your mind just went. I promise you, you are safe from him."

Regina remained silent, unsure how to share that moments ago, she had been on her hands and knees surrounded by glass and getting kicked in the ribs. The thought of it alone left her shaking to the core, how could she even begin to describe it in words? She felt disgusted with herself. Her self loathing began to rear its ugly head. She hated the weak pathetic girl she had become.

"Regina…" Mal's gentle voice coaxed her out of her self hatred. She looked at the woman before her, and for the first time realized how close she had become. For some odd reason, it didn't scare her as much as she thought it would.

"I… was on the floor…" Her heart started beating loudly in her chest. She could hear it through her ears, her chest felt tight. Mal must have noticed her increasing panic because she immediately reached out and grabbed her hands, ignoring the way Regina had flinched at the sudden touch.

"Regina, stay with me," she demanded, not unkindly but in an urgent tone. Regina looked into her warm blue eyes. Those fiery eyes that reminded her of a dragon. She felt safe in those warm eyes suddenly and her chest became lighter with each breath she took. Even if she felt safe suddenly, she wasn't ready to admit it, so she found herself curling in on herself, leaning further back into the wall and avoiding Mal's gaze once more. Her tears had stopped and her breaths regulated. She had no idea how Mal managed to pull her back from the brink of a panic attack.

"I know you can't talk about it without feeling an overwhelming sense of panic. I know you're not ready to open up about what just went through your head. How about you go lie down in my office for thirty minutes and do your breathing techniques. Once you're in a state of calm we can discuss it if you're able to."

"I don't wish to discuss it!" Regina suddenly snapped, her panic and fear suddenly morphing into anger. She felt weak, pathetic, disgusting. She loathed herself and she couldn't help but snap at the woman who was just trying to help her. She wanted to be left alone. "This isn't working! These breathing techniques won't make anything better! At the end of the day I'm still the same pathetic broken woman!"

Mal didn't even flinch at her angry outburst. Regina frowned in confusion at the lack of reaction.

"Is that how you feel about yourself?" Mal asked with a curious tilt of her head. Regina rolled her eyes at the question.

"Don't try to psychoanalyze me right now!"

Mal looked at her, her eyes intently studying her and Regina felt her skin crawling. She averted her eyes, suddenly feeling shame creeping up on her. She hadn't meant to lash out. In fact she had no idea where this burst of anger came from. Mal stood, backing away and giving her space.

"Come with me," she said, turning and expecting Regina to follow her. Regina just looked at her in shock for a moment before getting up and following her into the bathroom. Mal stood before the mirror, looking into her reflection. "Come stand beside me and tell me what you see."

Regina hesitated, unsure if she should comply, but the intensity of those blue eyes staring at her from the mirror made her move until she was standing beside the older woman. Her gaze wouldn't meet her reflection.

"What do you see?"

She remained silent. She didn't know how to answer that when all she saw was a broken woman she hardly knew.

"Take a look," Mal whispered, encouraging her to look at her reflection. "What do you see?"

Regina slowly raised her gaze until she was staring into broken brown eyes. She saw nothing but pain. She felt nothing but disgust and shame. She despised her reflection and she looked away, her gaze falling to the sink.

"I hate her…" she mumbled shamefully. If she had been looking up, she would have seen the heartbreak in Mal's face.

"Is that part of why your temper flares so quickly?"

Regina shrugged.

"Since you don't want to talk about your panic attack, let's address the self loathing instead. Try listing all the negative thoughts that just went through your mind."

Regina took a moment to think even if she knew exactly what to say. She just needed a moment to gather her thoughts. As much as the negative torrent of emotions rushed through her every single day, it wasn't easy admitting them to someone outloud. Mal waited patiently.

"Shame," she whispered the words her abusers drilled in her head time and time again until she believed nothing else. "Disgusting, broken, pathetic, weak… a victim." The helplessness she felt with Cora and then Leopold washed over her. She couldn't bear to look at herself and instead kept her focus on the sink.

"Do you want to know what I see?" Mal asked. "I see the complete opposite of all those things you had listed. I see a strong, beautiful, resilient survivor." Regina couldn't help but think how much she sounded like Emma.

She shook her head in disbelief, and wiped away a few tears that had escaped. That was impossible when she had been told her whole life that she was unworthy and never enough for the people who were supposed to love her.

"Come on, it's time to start our session," Mal said, her own voice a bit shaky but she kept a stoic face. Regina followed her out of the bathroom and into her office where she plopped down on the couch. She felt exhausted and not in the mood to discuss anything. The good mood she had been in this morning was now gone and she found herself slipping right back into the dark cloud she often found herself in. She could feel her mind shutting down. Mal seemed to sense that. She was looking at her curiously from where she had taken her seat on her usual recliner.

"I know you're exhausted, but we need to reflect on what just happened. Let's start with your panic attack."

Her eyes flashed as frustration washed over her once more. She didn't want to discuss this. She couldn't bring herself to open up to this stranger. She didn't want to talk about Leopold beating her. She didn't want to talk about Cora belittling her to the point where she learned to hate herself. She didn't want to talk about her trauma or her self loathing. She scoffed and shook her head in disbelief. Feeling vulnerable, she folded her arms against her chest.

"I understand you're feeling frustrated, but you need to fight through it. How about you start with what triggered the flashback?"

"The mug," she whispered with a growl, feeling too exhausted at this point to keep fighting the therapist's insistence on sharing. "I was making coffee and I pulled out the mug and I remembered something. All this work on my trigger with breaking dishes seemed to have made me remember something and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since."

"The memory is manifesting, causing you to relive the emotions associated with it. You need to talk about it. You can't keep holding it inside."

"It's one of many incidents."

"And why do you think it's this particular memory you keep going back to?"

Rosalie, my baby, Regina thought. Her sweet beautiful little girl that never got to be born. She had only ever felt her presence in her belly. She never got to meet her. She never got to hold her. She shut down once more, unable to go further. She averted her gaze, unable to look at the woman before her. She was afraid of the pain and grief she'll see in her eyes.

"Regina?"

She didn't answer. She felt her mind going numb. She could feel herself starting to drift. Mal called her name once more but she barely registered it. It wasn't until the other woman was guiding her up off the couch that they were standing face to face. The movement made her snap out of it.

She looked at Mal with vulnerable eyes.

"You spaced out for a moment there. I can see you're mentally exhausted. Let's end our session early and pick up tonight during our reflection. Go lie down."

Regina didn't even protest. She just wanted to sleep the day away. Exhaustion weighed heavily on her shoulders. She got up and left the room without even a complaint. She could feel a sudden dark cloud of depression hanging over her. She could feel her self-loathing dragging her down into the dark recesses of her damaged mind. She felt like crying. She felt like curling up in the darkness where no one could find her. Her chin wobbled a bit and her eyes stung as she went into her room and closed the door. She curled up in the bed and couldn't help but cry herself to sleep.

Mal watched her go. She could feel the tension rolling off of her. She knew Regina had emotionally shut down and there was no pulling her out of her dark mood. She contemplated whether or not it was a good idea to let her go or push her to keep talking. In the end though, she decided to let the poor woman take a break and then come back with a fresh mind. She followed the younger woman moments later and opened the door to see her sleeping with dried tear tracks on her cheeks. She didn't want to risk letting her have the door open when she was this distraught. She grabbed her things and decided to work in her own room with the door open so that she could keep an ear out while she slept. She settled in the bed with her laptop and files spread out. She was currently reading up on each student. They were all new, and she wanted to be prepared when it came to their mental and emotional needs.

There was one child in particular that caught her interest. A young girl at the age of 13. She was a runaway and had already used drugs and alcohol. She was abused by her father and abandoned by her mother. She went through the foster system. She was adopted 6 months ago, but gave her new parents a hard time so they placed her in Mal's therapy program for youth. She looked at the picture that was in her file and recognized the broken look in her brown eyes that she saw in herself so many years ago. The same look she saw in Regina.

Maybe this was the child she could pair with Regina. They could probably connect and learn something from each other.

Tomorrow was the first day with the children and Mal felt like she still had so much work to do with Regina. They haven't gotten very far in terms of Regina opening up. She was still holding a lot of trauma and emotions in. Although she had planned to get Regina to open up just a bit by now, she knew these things never worked out the way she planned. She knew despite Regina not being at the emotional level she expected, she would have to make it work tomorrow. She also hoped working with the children would help her new charge create a connection other than the familial one she had with Emma and Henry. Learning to trust people outside her circle was very important in her recovery as well as the childrens recovery. It was hitting two targets with one stone in a way.

She spent most of the afternoon immersed in work. She was so focused she jumped at the sound of her cell ringing and immediately silenced it before it could wake Regina. She didn't even check the caller ID.

"Hello," she answered, her voice shaking from being startled. There was no answer. She moved the screen from her ear to look at the caller ID and paled when it read unknown. It took a few seconds before a car warranty message blasted in her ear, shaking her from her fear. She hung up immediately. Unlike Regina's abuser who was locked up, her own abuser was dead. In the past Cruella would call and not say anything. It was her way of checking up on her throughout the day and god forbid if Mal didn't answer. She felt herself trembling at the memory of the cruel woman that had controlled and abused her for several years until she had finally stood up for herself. She closed her laptop, got up from the bed and went into the kitchen for some water. She felt sick, and tried to calm her breathing just like she encouraged her patients to when they were reminded of past trauma. A silent phone call was still a trigger she couldn't quite move on from, even if her abuser was no longer the one on the end of the call.

She grabbed a glass, filled it with water and generously drank it. She sat the glass on the counter and took a deep breath, her hands tightly gripping the counter. Her back was to the door as she tried to ground herself.

"Are you ok?" A sleepy yet concerned voice sounded behind her and Mal was instantly aware of the role reversal. Regina shouldn't be checking in on her. It's supposed to be the other way around. She controlled her trembling, and pushed back her fear. Something that she encouraged Regina to never do, yet here she was. She turned with a small smile towards the brunette who stood there looking at her with concern.

"Yes, just a little drained from paperwork. How was your nap?"

"Fine," she said, looking at her as if she knew it was much more than being tired from work. "I heard the phone ring. Is that why you're upset?"

"I assure you, it's nothing to worry about. I'm about to start dinner. Why don't you go enjoy your free time."

Regina nodded, and even though she made it clear that the subject was dropped, she can see the curiosity in the other woman's eyes. She nodded, not questioning her further and then went into the living room where she had left her drawing pad and pencils. She sat down like she had done last night and started silently drawing.

Mal took a relieved breath, internally scolding herself for letting Regina see her in a moment's uncertainty. She got started on the pasta salad, her eyes drifting every once in a while to her patient. She seemed to be in a better mood than what they left off with, and she hoped tonight's reflection session would go smoothly.

When the pasta salad was done, she set the table and then went over to Regina, curious as to what she was drawing. She sat beside her on the couch, but kept a respectable distance.

"What are you drawing?" she asked. Regina looked at her, some sort of emotion flickering in her eyes and Mal could have sworn it was embarrassment. Was she afraid of sharing her hobby in fear of being ridiculed?

"I'm just curious," she assured. "You don't have to share with me. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"I… I'm not," she stammered, passing the drawing pad into her lap and Mal's mouth fell open in amazement. It wasn't finished, but she had sketched an outline of Hunter. It already looked so beautiful even if it wasn't done.

"It's beautiful," she praised. "Thank you for sharing."

"It's silly," she said, taking back the pad.

"Who said it was silly?"

"My mother…"

"There's nothing silly about talent," Mal gave her a reassuring smile. Regina didn't look at her, nor respond. In fact she resumed her sketch, her eyes focused on her task.

"Why does he trust you?" she suddenly asked and Mal frowned at the sudden change in topic. In fact she seemed to change the topic or become unresponsive every time her mother was brought up.

"I respect his boundaries. I taught him that not every human hand will hurt him."

"And how did you learn that?" Regina asked and Mal looked at her in shock. Was she referring to her own dark past? She never mentioned it to her. In fact she was very private with her past when it came to her patients. Regina finally looked at her. "I can see the same pain in your eyes just as I can see it in my own reflection and in Hunters."

Mal stayed silent, unsure how to respond to that. She could feel herself trembling at the memory of Cruella. The abusive girlfriend that she had been trapped with… That she had… She shook her head. She wasn't going there. It was self defense after all.

"I had a mentor," Mal finally spoke. Her voice shook a little and she desperately reigned in her emotions. She took a deep breath. "She helped guide me back. She taught me that something can come from nothing. That brokenness can be resilient. She helped me to trust again, to take back my life and to never let anyone control me again."

She stood, unable to continue talking about her own dark past. They were here for Regina.

"Dinner is ready, dear."

The conversation was dropped.

They sat in uncomfortable silence. Mal was still still reeling from the conversation they just had. She couldn't believe Regina was able to figure out that she had been abused as well. Of course she didn't know the gruesome details, just the fact that she herself was once a victim. After spending so much time with the younger woman, she wasn't surprised. Regina was very intuitive. As detached as the brunette was from her emotions and self, she was able to recognize an abused soul like herself.

When they were done Mal directed her to her office for their evening reflection. As Regina complied, Mal cleaned up the kitchen and then prepared Regina's medication like she did the night before.

She came into her office, set the medication and water on her desk and then took her usual seat on her recliner. Regina was sitting on the couch, but instead of writing in her notebook like she was supposed to, her eyes were fixed on the flames of the fireplace.

"I see you haven't written anything. Lets pick up where we left off last night. I had asked, what would happen if you showed your emotions? Do you think you can answer this time?"

"Why is this so important?" Regina asked, tearing her eyes from the flames and meeting hers. The notebook was held so tightly in her grip that the edges were getting bent. She was becoming defensive.

"You dissociated instead of answering, and I think your fear paired with your mistrust is keeping you from opening up to me. This session is meant to reflect on your emotions from the day and help you express them in a healthy way." Mal could see a flicker of panic in those brown eyes before they became defensive once more. Interesting… Last night she was fearful when confronted with the question. Now she was putting up her walls and becoming agitated. In fact she had been agitated since her panic attack this morning. Mal had a feeling this was going to be another unsuccessful session.

"I don't want to talk!" Regina suddenly snapped, her famous temper finally breaking like a dam. "You talk about respecting a horse's boundaries, but you can't respect mine!" She stood and threw the journal into the fireplace. Mal remained calm in her seat, letting Regina have it out.

"Are you quite done?" she asked when the brunette had stopped yelling and plopped back down looking defeated.

"If I show emotion or express how I feel, I get punished. Anger is all I have. What would I be without it?"

"What do you think you could be?" Mal asked, her heart breaking because she knew exactly how it felt to fall into a dark pit of anger.

"Weak," she whispered, looking away in shame.

Mal had an idea, so she let Regina reflect on that and stood. She went to her desk, grabbed a new composition book and wrote something on the first page. She grabbed the pills and water, signaling the end to their very short session, because she knew pushing Regina until she opened up would only cause the brunette to hide further behind her walls.

She went over to the brunette and handed her the meds and glass first. She was surprised when she wordlessly took them. Perhaps she had grown tired of fighting against taking her medication. When she had swallowed and set the glass on the coffee table, Mal handed her the composition book.

"I have plenty, so burning one means nothing. Open it and read what I wrote." Regina leveled her with a distrustful glare and then opened the new composition book. She silently read the words and then shook her head in disbelief.

"Anger is weakness," the brunette read, her voice raspy with emotion. It sounded like she was holding back her anger or her tears. Mal couldn't tell which. Her hands were shaking and she could see the anxiety rising within her. Her eyes were red with threatening tears. "The emotion underneath is strength. Strength can bring happiness… Do you really believe this?" she asked, looking up at her with speculation. Mal nodded.

"Let's end our session here," the doctor said. "Think about those words tonight."

It was late, but Regina couldn't sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about the words Mal had written. How could happiness come from strength when she's had to be strong her whole life and was miserable. How could she let her anger go and just simply move on and be happy? After a lot of tossing and turning, she sat up and turned the bedside lamp on and picked up the new composition book. She opened it and silently read the words that Mal had written on the first page. She scoffed and tossed it aside and then picked up her phone. There was a text from Henry asking to call him and her eyes had widened to see it was recent. It was nearly 10 pm, not too late but way past his bedtime. She decided to call him. Besides, she missed him dearly and was kind of worried about the sudden text at this hour.

He answered on the first ring.

"Mom! I'm glad you're awake."

"You should be asleep young man," she said, meaning to sound stern but failing completely. She was more worried than anything. She leaned back against the headboard and brought her knees up to her chest.

"I know, I just couldn't sleep. I can hear Emma crying in her bed."

Regina perked up at that, her heart breaking as she imagined the brokenhearted woman crying in her pillow. It felt like something broke inside her. She wished she could be home, comforting her love, but unfortunately she was miles away.

"Take the phone to her," she whispered, her own voice shaking. She barely even noticed the stray tear streaming down her cheek. She could hear Henry getting out of bed and going down the hall to their bedroom. He knocked and then opened the door, informing Emma of who was on the phone. Emma sounded just as surprised as Regina was at the fact that Henry was still awake.

"Mom is on the phone. She wants to talk to you."

"What?" She sounded shocked and Regina held in a sob at how strained Emma's voice sounded from crying.

"I called her. I heard you crying."

Henry must have been covering the receiver because she can hear muffled voices, some rustling and then the sound of the door closing. It was silent for a moment and Regina thought maybe Emma wouldn't want to talk to her. They haven't really talked since her arrival at the cabin. Everytime she called or facetimed, Henry served as a buffer between them. To her relief, Emma's voice finally sounded in her ear.

"I didn't mean for Henry to hear me. I thought he was asleep."

"Did you send him to bed?" she asked, wanting to make sure her son was taken care of before anything.

"Yes, I didn't mean to worry him."

"I'm worried," Regina admitted shakily.

"Funny, I'm worried for you too," Emma half chuckled and half sobbed. "I miss you so much."

"I do too, I wish I was home right now, holding you, comforting you." She took a ragged breath, knowing she was the cause of Emma's pain. Sooner or later everyone who ever loved her ended up getting hurt. Eva, Daniel, her father, the countless nannies that Cora had fired whenever they got too emotionally close and stood up for the mistreatment of her daughter. She hurt Henry and now, Emma was crying herself to sleep because she probably felt she wasn't enough to help her.

"I'm sorry," Emma whispered and Regina could imagine her whispering it alone in the dark room in their big empty bed. "I'm sorry I couldn't be enough to help you. I'm sorry I broke your heart and sent you away."

These were the demons that were keeping the blonde sheriff up at night. Regina understood why Emma did what she had to do. She wanted to give her her best chance. She wanted her to get better and learn to love herself first. Even if her heart was broken, she understood the love behind it.

Regina sunk back down into the bed and curled up, missing the bigger spoon that often held her at night. She could hear Emma's ragged breathing in the phone as she begged for forgiveness. Her hands shook as her anxiety started to rise. Emma was hurting. Emma was crying. Emma felt like she wasn't enough just like she probably did throughout her childhood in the foster system.

"Listen to me Emma, forget about the break up for a moment. I understand why you did it and I love you for it no matter how much it broke my heart." A sob sounded in her ear at those words. "But I will not let you believe that you are not enough. You have done more for me than anyone has ever done in my whole life. You love me for who I am and never expected anything in return. I was enough for you and you're enough for me. Perhaps when I come home, we can figure out our relationship then, just like you said."

"You'll really give me another chance?" She sounded so small and it was that moment that she realized how much Emma had given up when she decided to let her go for the sake of her mental health and recovery. She hadn't wanted to break up with her and it was a sacrifice she had made for the sake of Regina's happiness. Her anxiety started to lesson, her hands started to still as she took deep breaths to ground herself.

"Of course I will, my darling," she whispered, her voice full of so much love. She never loved anyone so deeply besides Henry… not even Daniel. He was her first love, and his death had traumatized her deeply. For the first time, she realized that perhaps she will be ok. She can finally move on from his loss, because she could be happy again. Emma gave her that hope. Her chest felt like a weight of grief had been lifted and for the first time felt just a tiny bit hopeful for her future. Hope for happiness with Emma and Henry and with herself.

Happiness…

Mal's words echoed in her head and she thought maybe there just might be some truth in those words. Somehow, she just needed to find the strength within her to let her anger go and give love a chance.

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