Chapter Twenty-Four
A/N: Hi Remi, thanks for the shoutout. Everyone go read Joys of the Universe. And guilty devotion if you're old enough.
Anyway holy shit, y'all. I have been waiting to upload this chapter for weeks. I so hope it was worth the wait. Because if not, I'm deleting my AO3 account and going on a six-year hiatus only to pop up in a completely different fandom.
No I won't.
Despite the familiar sights and sounds, Anna doesn't actually know how long she's been walking. It could have been five minutes, twenty minutes, or maybe even a couple of hours- she tends to be a slow walker anyway. She just doesn't know, neither does she really care. Time isn't exactly on her mind right now. However, as she pulls her hands out of her hoodie and places them on her cheeks, she realizes there is one thing she does know.
It's. Really. Freaking. Cold.
The winter chill gets to be a little harsh in mid-December, this time of year she rarely goes outside unless it's for a hot chocolate trip or to run and pull the trash cans out. The cold is sobering her up quickly, and with nothing else to think of she can only face her present problem.
She...did she just disown her parents? It definitely feels like it. She came right out and said she wouldn't accept them for who they are, throwing their feelings towards her right back at them. Can she even disown them? She's eighteen, but they're also grown adults so it wouldn't make sense. Does she think she could have worded her grievances better? Yes, she believes that her words weren't a hundred percent what she wanted to say. Does she regret saying them, though?
No.
The frigid cold doesn't affect her resolve, not with this at least, and while her words may have been a little dramatic due to the heat of the moment, she still insists she did the right thing. She's tired of trying to prove that she's someone completely different. She is who she is, and there are no amount of tears, talks, or road trips that can change that.
The one thing she does regret, however, is not calling for Rapunzel to pick her up. She could still do that, obviously, but not just yet. The walk is...it feels good. The cold stings and her breath comes in short, foggy intervals, but she likes having this time for herself. All the moments of solitude she had in Rapunzel's house were really moments of isolation. This is the first time she's actually felt free in her loneliness.
She passes by Mrs. Orenthal's house, her plastic candy canes on her driveway tipping left and right but never straight up. Off in the distance, she hears the Myron family's Yorkshire terrier yapping up a storm. And up ahead is the side street that would take her to the Farron residence, a house she and Elsa went to a lot to babysit the little girls living there. She wonders what Serah and Claire are up to now.
It's hard not to get wrapped up in the memories of her neighborhood. After all, for the past eighteen years, this is all she's known. This is the side of Copper Springs she knew best. Two months ago, it felt like these memories were taken from her and now she's willingly about to leave them in the past. Would she ever come back here? It doesn't seem like it. Even if her parents begged her to come back home she probably wouldn't, which means after she graduates she'll need to find a more permanent living situation.
But what about Elsa?
...what about Elsa?
The cold has also sobered up and rid her of any thoughts of abandoning her sister. There's no way she can spend the rest of her life avoiding the only person in her family she loves romantically, platonically, and unconditionally.
But it's still best that they don't see each other, though. Or at least that's what Anna tells herself.
How else could she explain how much it hurt to get a glimpse of Elsa earlier? This is what's best, she repeats to herself. This is what's best. This is the most logical course of action, the next right thing. Once enough time has passed, and she's dived headfirst into sorting out her post-high-school life, this whole stupid crush will be a thing of the past. She'll look back on this period and cringe mercilessly sure, but at least Elsa will be nothing more than her sister. Which is all she should be.
She just needs time. She needs a little bit more time to stop thinking of Elsa in that way. To stop thinking of how warm and safe she feels in Elsa's arms, how much it soothes her to hear Elsa's laugh, how happy she felt to feel the softness of Elsa's lips, how...seen she feels looking into Elsa's eyes.
A loud car horn interrupts her increasingly depraved thoughts. She thinks maybe she might have accidentally veered into the street, but when she still sees the sidewalk under her feet, she turns around to see what the driver behind her wants.
She's never seen Elsa give her the look she's giving her now through the windshield.
For a second, Anna entertains the thought of running away before realizing how pathetic that's going to make her. Elsa opens her door but keeps the engine running; it must be so warm inside the car. Anna knows that if she doesn't speak first, she won't be able to take charge of this conversation, but her brain is currently as frozen as her feet right now and no words escape her chapped lips.
But Elsa can speak. And in contrast to her passive, concerned text messages, her first words to Anna in almost two weeks are: "What the hell are you doing?"
Unable to fully comprehend that this is even happening, Anna goes with whatever her brain gives her, "Uh...walking?"
Elsa doesn't even hesitate to place her warm hands on her shivering sister's arms, "Anna, it's freezing out here! You're gonna get sick." The jacket her older sister is wearing keeps Anna from disputing the coldness, but nothing is detering her from her stubbornness.
"I'm fine, I can barely feel the cold," she says unconvincingly. "...you should just go back home, Elsa. I'll call Rapunzel to come pick me up."
"I'm not leaving you," she replies with shades of their dad's sternness. Is it...is it still their dad?
And why is Elsa making it so hard on herself to forget about her little sister? That's what's best for her, doesn't she see that? If she just...goes home, then Anna can keep walking. The snow will start falling again soon, and she can fade away under the cover of white. "I'm gonna...I'll walk to the gas station and call Rapunzel to pick me up from there."
"Or you can just get in my car and I'll drive you back to Rapunzel's place," Elsa says, which is obviously a much more reasonable idea.
But Anna won't budge. "I'm walking," she says, her confidence undercut by her shivering from an errant icy wind. With her eyes, she tries to communicate to her older sister that this is what's best for both of them. Or maybe just for one of them.
After a moment, Elsa lowers her hands, traveling down to Anna's wrists before letting go of her entirely with a sigh. "Fine," she says. When she walks back to her car, Anna thinks that's the end of it, and one look was all it took to finally put the last nail in the coffin of her and Elsa's relationship. But when Elsa gets in the driver's seat, all she does is take the key out of the ignition and grab a familiar quilt before stepping out of the car again. "Can't believe they just let you walk out of the house," she mutters under foggy breath.
"What are you doing?" Anna asks.
"I'm walking with you," Elsa says defiantly, draping the quilt over Anna's shoulders. It's the gift she got her from Ghana.
This is going so horribly out of plan, or at least it would be if Anna had a plausible plan in the first place. She sighs, resigning herself to speak the words she knows will let Elsa decide that she's better off without her. "Elsa-"
"Why are you avoiding me, Anna?" Her sister interrupts, still holding the corners of the quilt right above her chest.
"I'm not…" Anna's about to argue, but the unexpected glare from Elsa stops her from finishing her thought. She sighs and says softly, pathetically, "You know why."
Elsa sighs, "All this because we kissed?"
"We didn't kiss, Elsa. I kissed you. I did something I shouldn't have ever done in a million years, I gave into this...this awful, messed up urge, and I hurt you." As much as she's appreciating the warmth of this quilt, it's also keeping her from going anywhere. She's captive in the fabric held up by Elsa's hands, and she knows if she takes the corners out of her sister's hands she runs the risk of making contact with Elsa's fingers.
And the second she touches Elsa, she knows it's all over.
However, It doesn't seem like Elsa understands that and instead of pulling away, she stays where she is. And instead of agreeing with Anna, she asks, "How do you know you hurt me?"
Anna can feel the back of her neck heating up, and she doubts it's because of the quilt. She wants to keep all these thoughts inside her head, but she also knows that it's pointless to lie to Elsa when she gets like this. Elsa getting upset is as rare as hell freezing over, but it still happens and one look is all it takes to immobilize her hapless victim.
This is the first time that look's ever been directed at her.
"I've made you upset," Anna says redundantly.
"I'm not upset at you, I'm upset at how you're acting," Elsa corrects. "If you think you did something wrong, if you think you hurt me, then why are you trying to avoid me instead of making things right?"
"Avoiding you is how I'm making things right!"
"Don't you realize how ridiculous that sounds?!"
"Yes!"
"And what makes you think I'm upset in the first place?"
"Because, I...I- uh, what?"
Though her upper body is finally warming up, her mind freezes in the blink of an eye. And blinking is all Anna can physically do as she tries and fails to understand what her sister just asked her.
Elsa's upset glare softens into an annoyed pout. She lets go of the corners of the quilt, letting it fully rest on Anna's shoulders, and folds her arms across her chest. "What part of me sending you texts saying I still love you and standing outside with you in the freezing cold makes you think that I'm upset, Anna?"
Anna's brain starts to thaw and she realizes she can't handle looking into Elsa's eyes any longer, so she looks down at the vibrant patterns of the quilt instead. Pathetically, she mutters, "You're my sister...you had to say that."
"I didn't have to say anything," Elsa objects. "All these assumptions and you never thought to figure out that what I actually wanted was to talk to you again."
Completing the perfect picture of pity, a tear rolls down Anna's cool cheeks and she shivers even though she finally feels warm. "I keep messing up," she says harshly, "I'm so sorry, Elsa."
This isn't the first time that either of them have cried in front of each other. Every time it happens, the calmer sister lets the crying one rest in their lap. They allow them to cry for as long as they need to, and once the tears have subsided, they come in with kind, reassuring words. For so long, it's been Elsa comforting Anna; it hasn't been the other way around for a very long time. That, of course, makes Anna feel guiltier as the tears continue to fall.
Surprisingly, Elsa breaks from their usual routine and doesn't let Anna cry silently for too long. "Anna, look at me," she says with a voice that's somehow cold and warm at the same time. Like she's tired of the tears but doesn't want to invalidate Anna's emotions.
When Anna doesn't immediately look up, Elsa takes matters into her own hands. With a gasp, Anna feels cold hands run along the back of her neck and tilt her head so that she's face-to-face with Elsa once more.
And then Elsa smiles.
Elsa smiles and says, "I will never be upset at you kissing me."
Anna lets out an embarrassingly loud snort and sniffle combination. "Wh...guh. Wh-why not?"
"Be honest, and know that there's nothing you can say that will make me hate you or think any less of you." Elsa takes a breath and asks, "Why did you kiss me?"
Anna's first instinct is to lie, to say that it was a moment of weakness or that she was possessed by the devil. Maybe she can say something stupidly awful like she's actually in love with Rapunzel and in the light of the room, Elsa looked just like her. But this is her chance. Once more today, she gets the opportunity to freely speak her mind, but this time she's not afraid.
She's terrified.
"I don't think you want to know," Anna mumbles.
"I do, Anna," Elsa replies, running a thumb along her cheek. "Please...tell me."
Anna doesn't understand how, but she knows by looking into her sister's eyes that she'll accept nothing more than the whole, honest truth. The one that she's been running away from for so long. The one that threatened to crumble their entire relationship. And even with Elsa's assurance that she won't hate her for whatever she says, Anna is still left with a strong uncertainty over letting the truth all come out.
But maybe it was always going to end up like this. Maybe, in some twisted way, this was never a test from God but merely a path that he was silently guiding her through. Why he would possibly offer up incest as a prize at the end is completely out of Anna's comprehension, but right now she'll take any bit of optimism left to find.
One more breath and a bite of her lip, and Anna finally speaks the words that she's kept inside for so long.
"I kissed you because I love you, Elsa. Not just as- I mean more than as my sister, I...I mean I'm in love with you. And I've been in love with you for so long now and it scares me because I know I shouldn't, but it's like every time I try to fight these feelings something happens and it's like...I don't know it's like I can't stop falling in love with you. Over and over again, any time I think about love it's just you. It's always you. Your face, your smile, your everything, and I'm so sorry because these aren't things I should be thinking of about my own damn sister. But it's there, it's all I think about! You're all I think about, Elsa. And that's why...part of me always wants to run away. But a part of me has always wanted to kiss you like I did, and I don't know which side to listen to anymore. All I know is that I love you. And I'm sorry."
It feels like she's been talking for forever with how long it takes to finally make her point. And the subsequent silence afterward feels even longer. Elsa said she wouldn't hate her for her answer, but that didn't mean she'll accept it. And the creeping thought that she might let go of her, get back in her car, and drive off makes Anna even more terrified than before.
Before she can dwell on that thought for too long, she hears a noise from Elsa. A quick breath. A huff. A giggle. And that's when Anna notices that her eyes are closed and she's...still smiling?
"E-Elsa?"
Elsa opens her eyes. "Damn it," she says like she's lost a staring contest.
"What? Did I say something wrong?" Anna asks stupidly because she knows that everything she said was wrong.
Elsa shakes her head and follows with, "Do you remember that girl I told you about? The one that made me realize I was gay?"
Anna nods, only remembering her because of the needless pang of jealousy she felt over the mystery woman.
Elsa bites her lip, unable to meet Anna's eyes for more than half a second. "The truth is I, uh...I never actually got over her."
Jealousy hits Anna once more, and even though it feels like Elsa's ready to monologue herself, she can't help but interject, "Then why haven't you talked to her about your feelings? I'm sure she'd understand."
"I don't know if she would, I don't think she even understands her own feelings just yet. But I've wanted to tell her about my feelings for the longest time."
Anna looks down, deep sadness and regret threatening to sink in. "And I've made it really difficult for you to tell her, right?"
"No actually, you've made it a lot easier to tell her."
"Because I...inspired you?"
"No dummy, it's because that girl is you."
Anna's mind goes blank. And as it immediately begins to restart, Elsa takes control of the silence to finish her thought. "It's always been you."
There's no other monologue. No long confession. No twenty chapters detailing Elsa's perspective from these last few months. There's nothing after those four words except a sincere and earthshaking connection as Elsa finishes the kiss that Anna started a week ago. And when Anna's senses finally come back to her, and she's finally able to register what in the hell is happening, she kisses her sister back.
Her lips taste like peppermint.