Chapter Twenty-Five
A/N: Happy Pride Month to all my LGBTQ+ readers! Still not over y'all co-opting the entire color spectrum but whatever live your dreams.
Anna loves roller coasters. She's been in love with them ever since she was a kid when her father snuck her onto one at a carnival while her mother wasn't looking. She loves the turns, the dips, the starts and stops, the steep inclines, and sharp drops. In fact, roller coasters are the only time when her fear of heights isn't a problem. Her favorite kinds are the coasters with the massive loops that hang you upside down for a moment before bringing you right-side-up again, and the ones that jerk you side to side and leave you with an aching neck for the rest of the day. She might like roller coasters almost as much as eating and sleeping.
Her love for roller coasters has never felt more appropriate than during this new season of her life. Because there's no other way to describe what these past few months have felt like. The fateful question at the diner was the sudden start, followed by a steep incline when Elsa came back. Her relationship with Hans was a tumultuous spiral down, being kicked out of her home was a series of loops that made her lose her sense of up and down, and the kiss...the kisses were the scariest drops of them all.
When this ride started, Anna wanted nothing more than to get off of it. Now she...well she still doesn't know how to feel about it. All she knows is that it's still not over.
She closed her eyes during the last drop, that kiss on the side of the road. And when she opens them again, she's in a familiar room lying on a familiar couch. Alone.
But she's not really here alone...right?
Anna grabs her phone from the metal coffee table and squints when the brightness assaults her vision, and the date assaults her sense of time.
December 13.
7:46 AM.
It's been two days since that awful talk with her parents, and since then her life's changed in more ways than one. Pastor Tom's left her two separate voicemails apologizing profusely for the way the talk went down, promising that there will be repercussions for her parents. She's not too concerned with what that means, though, wanting to put this all behind her rather than keep thinking about it.
Rapunzel and her family have extended their hospitality, allowing Anna to stay at their home even after graduation. It's great news considering her future plans after graduation are still up in the air. It's nice to know that she'll at least still have a roof over her head. St. Joseph's is off the table, but her grades are still stellar enough that she can easily get a scholarship for any in-state university. Maybe not a full-ride scholarship, and since she probably won't have her parents' financial backing…
It's not like she's desperate to go to St. Joseph's anyway, or any other religious institution. Not when she's been questioning her relationship as a whole with God. Maybe it's not that he's been silent to teach her a lesson, maybe he's been silent because he knows that the harsh path he put her on was a mistake, and he's too ashamed to admit it.
After all, God never apologizes. But then he doesn't make mistakes either, right?
It's maddening how much still doesn't make sense. Anna's left with more questions than answers, and she's losing hope in getting any substantial response since the one who needs to answer these questions is the one reason the questions even exist. Where is God right now, she wonders. Is he preparing some great divine intervention? Or has he moved on to a more capable believer? The more Anna thinks about this, the more she realizes...just how much she's losing the ability to care.
And then there's Elsa.
Her and Elsa.
Two days ago, they kissed and this time it wasn't an accident. This time, neither of them pulled away and ran off in a panic. And in her world where nothing makes sense, this is surprisingly the one thing that does. They haven't talked much about that day, preoccupied with surviving the tidal wave of change sweeping them up. But she knows for certain that she wants something with Elsa, as terrifying and crazy as that sounds. And it feels like maybe Elsa wants the same.
Anna sits up and runs her fingers through her hair, pulling the dozen or so loose strands away from her face. She winces as the pressure against her side is finally relieved. The harsh flatness of the couch is aggravating her more than she expected.
She knows Elsa has to be here because the last thing she remembers is falling asleep in her lap. She stands up and walks to Elsa's room, the most logical place she would be.
Change. It's not just Anna who's been affected by it.
Elsa came out to their parents the same day Anna walked out on them. Not waiting for their response, Elsa packed up as much as she could and decided to wait the rest of Christmas break out in her campus apartment. And Anna decided to come with her. RA's are a little more relaxed during the breaks and if they saw her, they'd probably think she was just visiting her sister. Or at least that's what Elsa keeps telling her to calm her nerves.
Although St. Joseph's is no longer a destination for her, she still finds comfort in the slight familiarity of it. The last time Anna was here was, well, the night she realized she was in love with Elsa. It's much less lively this time around, which is a given since ninety percent of the students are back at their homes.
Home...where is their home now?
Anna shakes that question away as she slowly opens Elsa's door. Only to find that it's just as quiet and empty as the rest of campus. A slight panic washes over her, but then the front door opens, and that panic doubles. Are they in trouble? Did an RA find out she was staying over? The dean? The police?
No, it's Elsa. And Anna can count on one hand the number of times she's been this relieved to see her sister.
Elsa sets down the plastic bag she's holding on the coffee table and smiles at her sister. If she's feeling tired at all, it's not showing. "You're up early," she says with a smile that's very welcome to see this morning.
Anna wipes her tired eyes with her palm, "My hip started hurting. And you weren't here…" Can she still be that vulnerable and honest with Elsa? It'd make sense if she still was, right? That shouldn't change.
Elsa frowns, "I keep telling you that you don't have to sleep on the couch."
"I know. But it's your bed, and you didn't expect me to tag along."
"Anna, you know we can…"
"Share the bed?"
There's a sudden silence, save for the loud roar of the heater kicking on. Anna plays the words back in her mind, the words that Elsa told her after their kiss: We'll figure this out. It's okay, we'll figure this out. After two days to themselves which proved to be both stressful and comforting, they've yet to discuss, well, them. It's clear that needs to change.
Elsa sighs, the same thoughts going through her own mind, "We should finally talk about this, huh?"
Anna nods, "We should."
Already, she can see Elsa form every word she wants to say through the look in her eyes. It's a conversation she's having with herself, and before it can conclude, she blinks, and the smile returns. "Okay. But first..." She peers inside the plastic bag and pulls out a small carton of eggs. "I'm going to make us some breakfast."
Little things. It's always the little things that remind Anna of how much her sister cares for her. From grabbing her a pillow and blanket when she wants to take a nap, to texting her gifs of otters when she's feeling down, to using her limited apartment supplies to make her a delicious breakfast of french toast and scrambled eggs.
And Anna...gosh, she wants those little things to mean more. So much more. But doubt still has a hold in her head and heart, telling her that this doesn't mean anything more, that Elsa still sees her as her sister and nothing else.
She's been thinking about it ever since they kissed, thinking and deciding on what she really wants. It felt so much different from their first kiss, which was self-indulging, risky, and awkward. Elsa knows how to kiss. And because of that, the second one felt...better. Just better. It's hard to describe, and still hard to understand. What Anna does understand, though, is that one kiss isn't what she's looking for.
When they parted, she didn't feel panicked or disgusted, she felt relieved. And a renewed sense of longing. She didn't just want Elsa's affection or her lips, she wants all of her. She wants to be with Elsa.
That should terrify her, and it does, but it also gives her a sense of vindication. It vindicates her to know that the awful thought of this being some sick, twisted perversion isn't true. She is genuinely, hopelessly, irreversibly in love with Elsa. And it doesn't make sense, and it still terrifies her, but at least she knows that her feelings are true.
Elsa though...what does she want? And has she always eaten this slowly?
Anna picks at her relatively empty plate and lets out a quiet breath, "So-"
"Mm-mmm," Elsa mumbles while holding up a finger, mouth still full of breakfast food. Her plate's a little more than half-empty, but not close enough to empty in Anna's eyes.
"Seriously? It's not even Sunday!" Anna protests. "And we're not even at the diner."
Elsa swallows her food and smirks, "I'm kidding. Kinda. You know I can't talk and eat at the same time."
"Yeah I know." It's hard not to feel a little disappointed, even though Anna knows she shouldn't. It's not like Elsa said they aren't going to talk about this. But it's like Christmas, which the winter chill right outside the large living room window reminds her of. When you know that you get to open your presents right after breakfast, you want time to go as fast as possible.
Of course, there's always the chance that those presents end up being nothing but big bags of coal and shame. Thoughts of every way this pending conversation can go wrong spiral around in her mind, threatening to overtake her once more.
But then she feels Elsa's fingers gently curling against her own, thumb softly caressing the back of her hand. Anna looks up, feels this tender spark between them like a lighter's flickering flame, and sees Elsa's soft smile focused on nothing else but her. And that's all it takes to keep her patiently waiting until her sister's done eating.
Which is a lot less time than she's expecting, although it helps that Elsa hums Christmas songs while she's eating as if this is just a regular day in December for them. It also helps that Elsa never lets go of her hand, showing off her impressive skill of eating with just one of them.
In no time at all, Elsa's finished and she takes her and Anna's plate to the sink to rinse them off. Anna brings her hands back together close to the edge of the table, already missing her sister's touch.
When Elsa comes back to the table, she does something unexpected and slides her chair over next to Anna. Surprised and confused, Anna scooches over to give her sister some more room at this small table. Elsa takes her seat gladly, and then rests her head on her younger sister's shoulder, letting out a content sigh.
"Hi," she says softly.
"Hi," Anna says back. She feels fingers once again grasping at her hand, and without hesitation, she takes Elsa's hand in hers. A silence falls that's both comfortable and tense, foreboding yet content. And though she truly enjoys being in this moment with Elsa, Anna's also impatient- anxious, but impatient. "You kissed me," she adds, more as a statement than an accusation.
Elsa giggles, "And you kissed me."
Anna peels off another band-aid, revealing ten more that still need to be uncovered. "Did you...I mean what did you mean by that?"
This isn't a question you're supposed to be asking your sister, but then she's never asked anything like this with anyone. Elsa squeezes her hand, and without any hesitation she replies, "I meant exactly what I said. I fell for you."
Anna's not sure how she's supposed to feel after that, but what she does feel is a dangerous mix of excitement and concern. It causes her to squeeze Elsa's hand in return. "Fell for me?" she asks innocently, wanting to be completely certain that this is real.
"I fell in love with you," Elsa replies, once again without hesitation. "As more than just my sister."
And there it is.
Anna lets out a breathy, nervous laugh, her spine tingling from this foreign sensation. "How can you say that so easily?"
Even Elsa's laugh is instantaneous and much more confident, "I've had three years to learn how to accept my feelings, Anna. When I said I knew what you were going through...well, actually I didn't realize how true that statement would turn out to be."
"And now that you know?"
"Now that I know what?"
She opens her mouth, and it feels like the words are stuck in her throat. The kind of stuck that only a cough could dislodge. Politely, Anna raises her arm to cover her mouth.
And she burps.
Elsa starts shaking from the force of her barely contained giggles, while Anna's cheeks redden from making light of such a serious moment. "That wasn't supposed to happen," she says.
The giggles turn into silent heaves as Elsa doubles over and smacks her sister's knee. For a second, Anna's afraid she's going to faint. But finally Elsa sits back up, takes a breath, and begins to audibly laugh like she just watched a penguin slip on ice. "You burped!" she exclaims while leaning against her still mortified little sister.
"I burp all the time," Anna says, frowning.
"I know! But-" Elsa can't complete her thought, succumbing to more laughter. And though she can't fathom it at first, Anna suddenly realizes the absurdity of this situation they're faced with. And she begins laughing too.
It takes them a couple more minutes and a massive aftershock of giggles till they finally calm down enough to speak.
Between giggling fits, they moved to Elsa's couch/Anna's bed. Anna keeps her feet off the floor and her blanket wrapped loosely around her shoulders. Her back is against the stiff armrest, and she's looking at Elsa who has her legs loosely crossed and is sitting just a couple of inches away from her.
"So…" Anna says, needing no reminder that she still needs to answer the earlier question.
"So…" Elsa repeats with a content smile.
"I…have those same feelings for you too." It feels like a massive weight has suddenly disappeared from Anna's shoulders, and she sits up a little straighter than before. "I like you more than a little sister should."
She swears that Elsa's eyes widen just the slightest bit and she exhales for a little longer than a standard breath. Almost as if she was worried that Anna didn't actually feel anything for her. With this solid confession, there are no more secrets, no hiding how they feel about each other, no running away even though that's not something Anna wants to do. And she thinks, hopes, that's something Elsa doesn't want to do either. So…
"Now what?" Anna asks.
Elsa bites her lip and tucks her hair behind her ear, mimicking a move that Anna usually does. It's cuter when she does it, but then Anna's also majorly biased.
Setting the tone for their relationship from here on out, Elsa responds, "I'm not going to assume what you want, Anna, but at least for me...I want something here. With us. I know it's crazy, but I've been going over it for years now and what I know for sure is that you make me happy, and my life is better when I'm around you. That's one of the big reasons I fell in love with you."
The more her sister speaks, the more Anna loses her mind. Because she loves knowing someone's in love with her and that she loves them back, but it's her sister. The words make sense, but in a way that they shouldn't and it makes for an experience that's...good? But also difficult to understand. Like she's just created a new flavor of candy.
"You want to be with me?" Anna asks, and pitifully adds, "Like romantically?"
Elsa nods, "I think I might want that more than anything."
And finally, the doubt she hoped would have disappeared starts creeping in again. The doubt that comes from the reality of their situation. "But…" Anna stops herself from finishing that sentence, stops from reminding Elsa that they're sisters. That didn't matter when they kissed, and it didn't matter when they confessed their feelings. "...you really want to do this? You want to be together?"
"Only if you want to. I don't want to do anything you don't want to do." Elsa shifts her posture so that her back is resting against the cushions and her legs are fully crossed. "What...I mean what do you want, Anna?"
Thoughts circle around her head-
"I want the same thing."
-and she fights through all of them.
Elsa's smile grows, "Really? You mean that?"
Anna nods, even though a dangling thread of doubt remains. "Elsa, I seriously can't think of anyone that means more to me than you. I meant it when I said that you're the best big sister anyone could ever ask for, and I also meant it when I said that I have feelings for you. It's confusing, I'm still trying to piece things together, and I'm so jealous that you had three years to figure this out…"
Elsa lets out a laugh, and she leans over to rest her head against Anna's knee.
"But what I do know is that I'm seriously, stupidly, really in love with you. And you and I together is something I don't want to stop thinking about. It isn't something I want to throw away."
Elsa lets out a content sigh that tickles the hairs on Anna's legs. "I really love you. So much."
"I love you too," Anna replies, in every sense of the phrase. After a beat of silence, she decides to rip off one more band-aid. "But...you know this won't be easy."
"I know," Elsa says, not trying to mask the newly added seriousness of her tone.
"Our parents will never take us back if they ever find out."
"They never need to, and besides it's not like we care what they think anymore."
Anna winces at the brutal honesty, though she's also glad to hear it. "And the church...any church, I guess. They won't accept this either."
"They don't need to know either."
"And our friends?"
"If you have someone you can deeply trust with this, then you're free to tell them. And I'll do the same. But if you want this to be something only you and I know about, I'm perfectly fine with that too."
"What about God?"
That, finally, doesn't elicit an immediate response from Elsa. For many good reasons, this can't be an answer she can take lightly. Anna, though, already knows her answer to this: God wasn't there to help her through her feelings, so he doesn't get a say in her pursuit of Elsa. Where they go from here is up to them alone. At least, that's how Anna wants it to be.
A few seconds later, after a sharp intake of breath, Elsa answers. "If I'm being honest? I've stopped asking him for answers when it comes to us. And I take the fact that nothing has torn us apart as an answer. Do you remember what Mark 10:9 says?"
It's been a while since anyone's talked to her about the Bible without it feeling like a punch to the gut. Once again, Elsa proves to be an exemption. "Something like...what God brought together, let nothing tear apart?"
"Mmhmm," Elsa remarks proudly.
"Do you really think God brought us together? You know, like this?"
"Maybe. Maybe not, but we're together regardless. And right now, don't you think that's enough?"
Anna looks back once again on the rollercoaster of a life they've both lived these past few months, and something inside her feels as if the ride is coming to an end soon. And that they're about to get on another one. Which should terrify her, or at least make her worried over what comes next. But it doesn't. Instead, all she feels is a gentle silence, a breath of fresh air, a strong, foreign feeling of content.
Here, in the confines of a tiny, gray apartment with a loud heater, sitting on a lumpy couch with her sister and the woman she loves, Anna finally allows herself to feel content.
She scooches over to Elsa and leans on her shoulder this time. "Yeah. That's enough."
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Mark 10:9)