Chapter 9: The Twins' Revenge
Harry and his friends happily chatted over dinner on Saturday after the third week of term. Harry wanted to eat with his Gryffindor friends, so they thought it better to eat at the Gryffindor table, but Harry made a point of inviting the other third year Slytherins over to join them. Theo nearly did until he saw the twins. It wasn't that Theo disliked the twins in any way, he just didn't want to end up being the victim of one of their pranks. A sensible policy in Harry's mind.
"It's nice to just sit and chat over dinner again," said Harry as he tucked into a slice of treacle tart.
"Oh we're not chatting," said Fred, "We're plotting."
"If it's against Umbridge or Snape, don't," said Harry.
"We won't touch your precious head of house," teased George, "We just wanted to extend a warm welcome to Umbridge, especially given how she treated you over the summer."
"Please don't," begged Harry, "You have no idea..."
"Please. Do we ever get caught?" asked Fred indignantly.
"But you've seen how she is in classes. I take it she did the pure-blood split on your class too?" said Harry. "She's mental."
"But you forget, we are pure-bloods, so she'll leave us alone," said George confidently.
"I'm sorry, but I don't agree," responded Harry. "She's nuts and I don't want you to anything because of me. I'd feel awful if it went wrong."
"Then in that case we won't do anything because of you," grinned Fred.
Harry knew there was no point arguing with them, he just hoped it didn't all turn to custard.
"On a completely separate note," said George, not in any way sounding sincere, "Have any of you seen her office?"
"Dare I ask why or how you have?" asked Hermione.
"Well you know how it is... helpful students and all that, we offered to carry some books for her," said Fred.
"You mean you wanted to be nosey," said Ron.
"If you don't make the effort, you never find out anything," said George with deliberate triteness to sound like his mother.
"So what's it like?" asked Neville, heading off Ron's retort.
"Pink," said George.
"With cats on plates," shuddered Fred. "If ever there was a clear sign of being mentally unhinged, cat plates is it."
"There's nothing wrong with cats!" said Hermione defensively.
"Not per se, but there's definitely something wrong with that many cats on plates in one room outside of a retirement village," said George.
Nothing untoward happened in anyone's DADA lessons that week. Harry had got up hope that the twins had thought better of whatever they were planning. Right up until Friday afternoon.
The tale went through Gryffindor tower like wildfire thanks to Lee Jordan, and Harry heard about it from Ron at dinner. There was no sign of the twins.
"The twins are screwed," said Ron by way of a greeting.
"What happened?" asked Harry, his heart sinking into his stomach.
"They changed the plates of cats in Umbridge's office into dogs," said Ron, "I have no idea how, but she completely lost it at them. Lee says they denied all knowledge, like you would, but she wouldn't hear it. They did it somehow during their lesson this afternoon, and towards the end of the lesson she went into her office to fetch something. She came out screaming like a banshee at them and dragged them back into her office. The class could hear her through the door. They kept denying it and she kept saying she knew it was them and she didn't have to prove it. She dismissed the class early and no-one's seen the twins since." They all looked towards the head table, but Umbridge wasn't there either.
The staff there didn't miss the fact that there was a lot of whispering and glances their way. A silent set of queried eyebrows showed that the rest of the staff, including Dumbledore and McGonagall, didn't know what was going on. It didn't make Harry feel any better though.
After dinner Harry hurried up to his dorm and grabbed his cloak. He stuffed it under his clothes and left the common room without being overly noticed. He wasn't going anywhere he shouldn't, he just didn't want to be seen. When he got to a quieter bit of corridor he threw his cloak on and made his way to the third floor to the DADA classroom and Umbridge's office.
He had no intention of going inside, but he did plan on listening through the door to try to hear what was going on. It didn't make good hearing.
"Perhaps when this evening's over you'll think twice about pulling juvenile stunts!" Harry heard Umbrdige say. He then heard a noise he knew from experience was a ruler meeting backside and he heard one of the twin's yelp.
"Hem, hem, you've missed a bit. You won't be leaving until this floor is spotless. Perhaps an evening scrubbing on your knees will tire you out too much to think of doing stupid things that you think are amusing."
Harry heard the ruler again and another yelp. Harry couldn't help wondering how long this had been going on for. It was now after dinner and last lesson had finished hours ago. Harry was torn between staying to find out if it got any worse, or going to tell Snape. He couldn't guarantee Snape would interfere, but Harry felt Snape would have something to say about students missing dinner. Scrubbing the floor was a punishment that Snape frequently used, and Harry knew Snape wasn't against using a ruler occasionally. But this sounded bad. Harry chose to stay in case it got worse. He had no idea what he'd do, but he couldn't drag himself away.
Half an hour later, after a number of snide comments and he'd heard a fair number cracks of the ruler, Umbridge dismissed the twins. Harry hadn't been able to see into the room, he could only hear through the door, so he wasn't ready to see what he saw when the Weasley's emerged from the DADA classroom.
Neither managed more than a shuffle, both wincing at every step. The door slammed shut behind them and Harry was alone in the corridor with Fred and George. Keeping an eye on the classroom door he slid off his cloak.
"Merlin, what the hell happened to you?" asked Harry. He knew they'd scrubbed the floor and got the ruler, but that wouldn't leave them in this state.
Fred answered, "We should have listened to you. She is a complete bitch." He scrubbed his eyes with his sleeve, but it didn't make them any less red and puffy.
"I... I've been here for half an hour. I could hear through the door. I didn't realise she's quite so vicious with a ruler," admitted Harry apologetically.
"You saw?!" demanded George as they slowly made their way down the corridor towards Gryffindor.
"No, I heard through the door. I know what a ruler sounds like. Snape's uses one, remember?" replied Harry.
"If you were only there for half an hour, then you won't know that right after dismissing the class she put a petrificus totalus on us in her office, loosened it enough to bend us over her desk and then caned us," said George bitterly.
"For messing with her plates?" gasped Harry incredulously.
"I think it was more a personal affront and the fact that she couldn't change them back. What sort of incompetent witch is she? I mean bitch," said Fred.
"But surely she couldn't cane you for that? Dudley didn't even get the cane for poisoning me," said Harry.
"But she had you caned for blowing up your aunt," pointed out George. "Bit of a sadist, that one."
"Tell McGonagall," urged Harry, "The staff know something's up. The Gryffindor table was acting very weird over dinner."
"I don't think McGonagall's about to go up against Umbridge. There's rumour going round Gryffindor. We think there was some kind of spat between them when Umbitch first arrived, but I think McGonagall's staying out of her way. If you've noticed, they're never anywhere near each other at mealtimes."
"But you've got to tell someone," Harry pleaded.
"Can you imagine us going to Dumbledore?" said Fred, "Hey, headmaster, we finally got caught, and caned for our troubles. Can you do something about that? Yeah, right." Harry heard the attitude, and chose not to argue the point.
"Pomfrey then," Harry said.
"Umbitch explained. Charmed cane. No magical healing," said Fred. They'd reached the point where Harry would leave them for their trek to the tower.
"Look, we appreciate your support, but right now, the only thing I want to do is find some ice for my backside and heal the bruises on my knees from scrubbing. Good night, Harry," said Fred, and the twins shuffled away carefully.
Harry couldn't leave it alone. She'd been unfair. The twins were in pain. Not just a smarting backside. Even when Dumbledore had taken Harry to task for cursing Dudley, Harry could still walk back to his dorm if a little gingerly. Harry couldn't imagine what the twins felt. He made a decision. Instead of going into the common room he knocked on Snape's door.
"Harry, what can I do for you?" asked Snape when Harry entered. "And in exchange for whatever it is, you can satisfy my curiosity and tell me what was up with Gryffindor at dinner."
"Um. They're the same thing, sir," replied Harry.
"Explain," said Snape curtly.
"Well, the twins may have played a harmless prank. Or not. There was no proof anything was them."
"That's generally how they operate, yes." said Snape. "I tend to make a point of finding out it was them though."
"But you find proof, right?" said Harry.
"Bottom line this for me please," said Snape, in tones that didn't brook any arguing.
"Umbridge thinks that the twins changed the cats on her plates in her office to dogs and she blamed the twins without proof. She caned them, they missed dinner and have spent the last couple of hours scrubbing the floor of her classroom and she's been a bit handy with her ruler at the same time, if you know what I mean?" said Harry quickly all in one breath, hoping he'd just done the right thing.
Snape was silent. Harry couldn't read anything on his face.
"You are dismissed, Harry." Harry opened his mouth to say more, but one raised eyebrow made him decide that silence was golden, and he made to leave his head of house' office. "They're having trouble walking," he added as he closed the door behind him.
Severus considered a number of courses of action for a few minutes. He wasn't sure that the direct approach was best. He could go to Dumbledore, but then the headmaster would have to investigate and there would be a head to head with Umbridge very early in the year. He could speak with Minerva, but her defensiveness of her lions could only go so far in the face of Umbridge. All the staff had quietly spoken about the fact that Umbridge was on her way up in the Ministry, had the ear of Fudge, and did they really want her to ruin their careers out of spite in a few years time. She was a person with enough connections to make life miserable for anyone but the headmaster.
Actions in the shadows it was then.
Severus summoned a house-elf.
"Professor Snape, sir," said the house-elf as he popped into the office.
"I wish to speak to two Gryffindors, the Weasley twins. Please inform them I would like to speak to them here immediately. If they look like that's going to be a problem, please apparate them directly outside my office."
"Yes, Professor Snape, sir," replied the house-elf and apparated away.
A minute later Snape heard the telltale sound of a pop in the corridor and then the elf appeared in his office.
"Sir, they did not seem capable of getting here easily. I brought them as you ordered."
"Thank you," replied Snape and the elf popped away.
Snape flicked his wand towards the door to make it open and projected his voice to be heard outside.
"Come in." Snape was surprised the same way Harry was when he saw the twins. Snape had taken a ruler to more than one Slytherin, and he could guarantee a couple of those hadn't sat comfortably the next day, but the twins were trying to disguise a wince at every step. Snape closed the door behind them.
"Gentlemen, I see you've learnt not to irritate our newest professor," said Snape. "What did you do?"
"How do you know we did anything, sir?" asked Fred, making sure to remain polite, but not admitting to anything.
"You aren't in a position to have a smart mouth, Mr. Weasley. Answer the answer," said Snape.
"We sneaked into her office at lunchtime and charmed her plates to change during a lesson when we were in view all the time. That way we thought she couldn't blame us," said Fred resignedly.
"Fred!" said George aghast, "Plausible deniability!"
"Whatever he was going to do to us, given the state we're in, I don't think he is any more. Harry's always said he's reasonable," hissed Fred back.
"And he's not deaf and is standing right here," growled Snape.
"Sorry," murmured Fred. "Harry told you, didn't he?" Fred questioned. Snape inclined his head.
"Fink," said George.
"Fortunate for you that he is," said Snape, "And admitting to me what you did isn't going to change what I'm about to do one bit."
The twins looked very apprehensive at those words. Snape relented.
"Who knows you are here?" he asked mildly.
"Just the house-elf," said George. "When we got back to the tower we went straight to our dorms. Fortunately no-one saw us when we slipped into the common room. And the house-elf brought us straight from the dorm."
Snape nodded. "Good. Then I will make you an offer. I require total silence about this visit to my office. In exchange," Snape reached into his desk drawer and drew out a pot of healing balm, "I will heal you."
The expression on their faces was priceless. Snape could see them trying to work out the catch. Eventually George spoke up.
"But why?" he asked.
Snape had to gather all his composure not to laugh when Fred promptly kicked his brother in the shin, attempting to do it subtly.
"Erm. He meant thank you?" said Fred in a slightly questioning tone, although Snape could see the why on Fred's lips too.
"Because I think that Professor Umbridge has been too harsh," replied Snape, honestly, "Although that's a sentence I will deny if you ever say I said so. I have taken a number of Slytherin's to task myself. I'm sure you are aware of this from Mr. Potter. But I do not think that caning you is a just reward for sneaking into her office and playing with her plates."
"Er, sir?" asked Fred.
"Yes, Mr. Weasley?"
"Umbitch, um, er, I mean Professor Umbridge, said that the cane was charmed and if we attempted to use healing agents it'd feel like we were getting it again."
"The school canes are charmed, she is correct, but if she didn't alter the charm then their effects are healable by the headmaster or any head of house."
"Why?" asked George curiously.
"If I give a student detention and later discover I'd been in error I would give them an apology and award them house points. If it was discovered that a student was caned in error it only seems fair to take away the pain, don't you agree?"
The twins nodded fervently.
"But how do you know she's not altered the charm?" asked George.
"I don't. You'd have to be willing to try," responded Snape. "And I cannot just give you the balm. I know the charm does not allow that. Too many loopholes. You'll have to drop your pants and let me apply it. So weigh up mild embarrassment against the inability to sit for the next few days," said Snape in a very business-like way. He didn't want to cause the twins any unnecessary embarrassment, but did want to give them their choices.
"If it's all the same with you, I'd rather drop my trousers, sir. Do you have any idea how much my backside hurts?" asked Fred.
"No, I never did anything quite so stupid as to warrant getting caned when I was at school, Mr. Weasley." said Snape drily. "Drop your pants, bend over the desk."
Fred did as he was told, and Snape couldn't help but wince. There were clearly six raised lines across the boy's backside that were red and starting to bruise. The bottom two across his sit spots looked especially nasty.
"Six?" Snape queried. "What were the plates, Royal Doulton?"
"No, sir, eight. She put the last ones over the bottom two."
Snape's expression darkened, but neither boy could see his face. He had an urge to go do some damage in Umbridge's office. No wonder the bottom two stripes looked so nasty.
"I'm going to apply the balm to the top stripe first," he said, "If it hurts more, and you'll know about it, just say. Are you sure you want to try?" Snape checked.
"Merlin, yes," said Fred fervently.
When Snape applied the balm as gently as he could, he still felt Fred flinch. That welt had to hurt, but fortunately the charm hadn't been altered. Snape applied balm to the other stripes, noting with anger that it took three applications to heal the stripes on the boy's sit spot. Snape deliberately left one stripe in the middle though, and when Fred pulled up his trousers he winced.
"Did you miss a spot?" the boy asked.
"Did you break into a professor's office and mess with their things?" asked Snape. "I will have you know if you'd done that to my office you'd be sporting a sore backside right now too, just not to the same extent as Professor Umbridge decreed."
Fred looked abashed. "Thank you, sir. Sorry."
Snape nodded and then indicated for George to drop his pants.
When he'd mostly healed both the twins he put the balm back in his desk drawer.
"You learnt a very harsh lesson today, but hopefully one you won't repeat. Do. Not. Prank. Umbridge. I will not save your backsides again. Understand?"
"Yes, sir, thank you sir," said Fred.
"Thank you, sir. You know, Harry's right. You're a good head of house," said George. Snape scowled.
"Kind," said Fred with a grin, unable to stop himself, "Warm, caring, friendly disposition. Never a bad word to say to the students..."
"Out!" barked Snape with no bite. "And remember to act suitably contrite. I will have the house-elves bring you dinner to your dorm seeing as you've not eaten yet. I suggest you do not make an appearance for breakfast tomorrow, although I'm sure you can find your way to the kitchens. Umbridge must never find out. Expect a very sore backside and the inability to sit for a good while if she ever does."
"Yes, Professor," said the twins in unison as they left Snape's office.
Snape contemplated what to do. He would have to wait a couple of days, but then he would speak to Dumbledore and the other head's of house. Perhaps he should try to instigate a rule whereby only the head and heads of house could physically punish a student. The problem was, that was hardly the wizarding world's way and Umbridge would be the first to object, and Snape had a feeling that for something small like that she'd get backing from the minister. Damn, he thought, this was going to get complicated.
Dudley looked across the Gryffindor common room and saw the Weasley twins plotting in the corner. He could tell they were plotting, they looked far too furtive to be doing homework. He'd seen the twins come into the common room yesterday evening when Lee had been the centre of attention telling everyone about Umbridge losing it. It seemed Dudley had been the only person to see the twins slink across the room quietly and disappear up to their dorm. But Dudley had recognised their gait. Umbridge hadn't been kind as both had a very definite limp and the stairs looked painful, he'd seen Fred wince when he put his foot on the bottom step.
And today they were plotting. To be honest Dudley was surprised to see them sitting down, he knew the day after he'd got it with the paddle and looked like they'd looked last night, sitting was not an option the next day. Perhaps they'd found a good cushioning charm from somewhere.
Dudley edged over to hear them.
"Blow her bloody office up, that's what we should do," he heard George say vindictively.
Dudley was a little surprised at what he perceived as their idiocy and just couldn't keep his mouth shut.
"Like it's not bloody obvious it's you two!" he said scathingly.
"Shove off, Dursley!" was the response he got.
"Sure, but I'll give you some free advice before I do. Do you want revenge or are you playing a prank? We all know you two do all the pranks. Pranks are fun. Revenge is not meant to be funny. If you want revenge, don't get bloody caught and make it count. Morons." Dudley started to walk away, but he only got a few steps.
"Hey, Dursley!" said Fred. Dudley turned around and saw a calculating look on both the twins' faces, "We're listening. Talk."
Dudley turned back to them with a nasty grin. Time to get revenge on Umbridge. It wouldn't do any harm to work with Harry's friends, and these two were much better than their little brother or the bookworm.
"It's like I said," said Dudley, sitting down on the spare chair next to them, "You want revenge. If you pull one of your usuals, everyone will know it's you. From what Lee said yesterday she accused you first and didn't care that she couldn't prove it. I saw you come into the common room last night. That looked very painful. Kudos for sitting today by the way. She will do exactly the same thing again. You cannot pull a prank. You have to get revenge by making it look like an accident. She can't know anyone has done anything. See? Revenge is not a pranking matter."
"That's a novel idea. We're a bit more joker than that," said George.
"Does your backside want to get caught again?" asked Dudley bluntly.
"What did you have in mind?" asked Fred, implicitly answering Dudley's question.
"I've not thought about it. What does she like? Apart from those bloody stupid cat plates. What's hers? what's personal to her?"
"What sort of scope are we talking here?" asked Fred.
"Anything. If it were other people I'd say Snape likes his Potions and his lab, Dumbledore likes those damn sweets, McGonagall's nuts about her quidditch. We need something that's hers or important to her."
"Why are you helping us?" asked George curious.
"You remember summer, right?" said Dudley.
"Ah, yes you've had a similar experience," said Fred. Dudley didn't answer as it wasn't exactly a question. He was only saved from getting caned by Snape. Umbridge believed it'd happened and then very happily told the whole school. It might as well amount to actually getting the cane from a humiliation point of view. Revenge was still a favourite with Dudley, even given the numerous sessions with Jones.
"She's not got many personal possessions in her office," said George.
"There's what passes as a wand and you know what they say about short wands..." said Fred gleefully.
"Er, no. What do they say about short wands?" asked Dudley curiously.
"It's a long held opinion that abnormally short wands usually select those in whose character something is lacking. In Umbridge's case I think eight inches is being generous!" said Fred.
"Interesting," said Dudley, "Let's break it," he said casually.
"But it's her wand!" said Fred, aghast.
"Yes, it is. And until recently I was a muggle with no appreciation for the personal nature of a person's wand. Snap it."
"How?" asked George, still slightly horrified, "Without getting caught, that is."
"In our class she has a tendency to use it to rap people over the knuckles. Does she do the same in yours?"
"Regularly," said George.
"But we don't want it to happen in our class, do we?" asked Fred.
"Precisely, you're learning. But you've seen what she does, yes? What if when she goes to snack a hand there's something invisible that cuts her wand? Or you can hex her wand to snap it. You could hide in the room somewhere," said Dudley.
"Not a bad idea. A diffindo variation?" said Fred, "I can do one wordlessly."
"Would that attract her attention? I don't know the spell. Would she be able to see the source?" asked Dudley.
"It'd be fine from that point of view, but where could we hide?" asked George.
"Will Harry lend you his invisibility cloak?" asked Dudley.
"That's a thought," said Fred.
"One of you will have to make it look like the person's knuckles got rapped. Stinging hex maybe? And you'd have to make sure the Diffindo doesn't cut the hand. Your aim had better be good."
"Please," said Fred, mock affronted, "We've been accurately targeting body parts of Ron for years."
"Sounds like a plan then," said Fred, "I'll get some practice in on some quills. And George, beg Harry's cloak off him. Does she do the same with you lot and have someone place their hand on the table?"
Dudley nodded.
"So she takes a swipe, breaks her wand and then what? We hide in the room until the end of class?" asked George.
"Either that or sneak back out," said Dudley, "A broken wand sounds like cause for chaos."
"Monday's lesson, when is it?" asked Fred.
"After morning break. Are you free or will you have to skip class?"
"Binns, but he won't notice."
Monday came round fast enough. Dudley nearly jumped through the ceiling when a voice sounded by his ear on the quiet corridor outside.
"This is a great cloak. We should borrow it more often," said Fred.
"Are you both under there?"
"Oh, yes, but we've got to duck a bit and keep close," said George.
"I'll go in last and hold the door open a bit longer than usual. Stick close. After that you're on your own. Dean sits back left of the room."
"In the naughty corner?" joked Fred.
"Something like that," replied Dudley.
The lesson went as it usually did. The front two rows were treated well, even earning a few house points, the back rows ignored for answers but picked on for lack thereof. Once again Dean managed to lose ten points in the first twenty minutes. Umbridge had asked him about Polyjuice, something that wasn't studied until sixth year, but instead of accepting the loss of points Dean argued that it wasn't in his textbook. To be fair to Dean he'd done a lot of reading for DADA to try to stay out of trouble, but it wasn't having any effect.
"Do not answer back, boy! Do you think I'm as lax as your other teachers?" Umbridge growled, advancing on the back of the room.
No-one made any attempt to back Dean up. Gryffindor or not, they weren't suicidal.
"Hand!"
"Professor, I'm sorry," said Dean, trying to rectify the situation.
"You'll eventually learn to think before you speak. Actions have consequences. Hand!"
Dean put his hand on the table and Umbridge was only a few desks away. There were a couple of marks on his knuckles from last week still there. Dean had winced even before she'd got to him.
Umbridge looked down at his hand, "I'd have thought you'd be learning faster than that, boy. It seems last weeks' lesson didn't sink in."
She raised her wand to bring it sharply down on the back of his hand. Dean shut his eyes. Dean yelped, then the only sound in the room was a sharp intake of breath from Umbridge. Dean opened his eyes.
"Nooo!" Umbridge was staring at shock at her wand, jerking it back towards her and stepping back in surprise. "My wand!"
Dudley didn't see or hear anything out of the ordinary, sitting at the back at the other side. He had no idea where the twins were and he hoped they were nowhere near her. The classroom had plenty of space given the number of empty desks.
Cradling her wand, Umbridge ran into her office. Her head appeared back round her door to the classroom moments later, "Get out! All of you!"
The class didn't need telling twice, although Dudley made sure he was last out of the room. He heard a soft footstep behind him just as he was leaving, but none of the three of them said anything. The class made its way back to the Gryffindor common room.
At the end of the lesson the twins came up to the common room with the rest of their class and they went over to where Dudley was sitting. No-one was in earshot.
"We slipped back into Binn's lesson. I don't think he even noticed we weren't there, never mind that we were late. He was droning on about goblins again. That was satisfying," said Fred.
Dudley breathed a sigh of relief. The only thing that would have been suspicious is if the twins' absence from their own class had been noticed.
DADA lessons were cancelled for the rest of the day and Umbridge had been seen leaving the school. By dinner time the news had gone round the whole school, and a number of students had congratulated Dean on having a hard hand. It seemed he'd not noticed that the wand hadn't made contact and instead had received a stinging hex.
Students at the ends of the tables nearest the head table looked over towards the teachers when they heard Professor McGonagall ask Umbridge about her new wand. Umbridge clearly didn't want to talk about it. There was a lot of elbowing among the students to attract everyone's attention to the front. The hall was suddenly a lot quieter than usual and Umbridge drew out her wand after much gleeful badgering from McGonagall.
"Seven inches, Delores?" said McGonagall, unnecessarily loudly so her voice carried, "I don't believe I've ever seen one that short before."
Delores scowled at her, then realised that the school was watching. Offended, she got up from the table and stalked out of the room. The tittering started at the back of the room, away from censure, but it eventually made its way all the way around.
"I do not believe the length of a professor's wand is a laughing matter," said Dumbledore, addressing the room. His voice was stern, but the twinkle in his eye said otherwise.