Chapter 13

The sickness never really went away. Food had turned into my worst enemy, so much so that the slightest smell was enough to put me off. It was like my body was punishing me for crossing a line that I vowed not to cross, and I couldn't even blame it.

My mind was a circus of the worst kind, replaying all the embarrassing, regretful times on a loop. I deserved to feel like shit. But worst of all? Some part of me was still dazzled by that kiss. And now that I got a taste, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about his lips.

How could a single kiss evoke so many feelings? I guess I'd forgotten what it was like to be swept off my feet and to have my head in the clouds. I hadn't felt that way since I was eighteen, but back then everything felt magnified. The love that engulfed my entire soul, the pain that broke me at the end of it all. Wasn't that just the essence of being a teenager?

Stepping into adulthood, you always think that you have it all figured out. Your entire life is mapped out, you know exactly how to get from point A to point B, and you sure as hell don't need any advice from the adults in your life. You're convinced that they have been doing the adult thing completely wrong, and you swear to yourself that you're never going to turn out like them.

Well, that's what the young Elena was like. In some ways, I still was that stubborn and fierce girl who was ready to tackle the whole world. Except as of lately, I've been trying to be the adult that I once thought I was. The one that knew the difference between right and wrong, the one that always kept her word, the one that didn't hurt the people that she loved.

Did that version of me still exist? I wasn't so sure anymore.

The new Elena, the one that played with fire despite knowing the sting of the burn all too well, that version didn't seem to care about anyone else but herself. That selfish spark that awoke within me was nowhere near to fading out. I hated myself for it, but I also wanted more.

"Earth to Elena?" Bonnie waved her hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention.

"Sorry, I drifted away there for a second." I straightened up, clearing my throat. "What were you saying?"

"That you look tired, and that we're worried about you." Jeremy interjected from the back seat of the car.

We were on our way to Baltimore for the weekend to help my parents pack up the house. The drive was a couple of hours long, so I decided to share a ride with Bonnie and Jer instead of driving down alone.

As much as I tried to convince Enzo to come with me, he wouldn't budge, citing a work trip as the reason. Lame? Maybe, but I was somewhat used to the disappointment, so I just let it be.

"Why would you be worried about me? I'm fine."

"You've lost weight. You look sad all the time. I'm your brother, Elena, I know when something is bothering you."

I caught his gaze in the rear-view mirror, and he looked troubled, which made me feel guilty. Sure, I was going through some turmoil, but I was the one causing it.

"There's nothing to worry about, Jer." I blew out a sigh, focusing my attention on the view outside window. "I'm the older one, remember? I should be looking out for you, not the other way round."

"This is about Enzo, isn't it?" He ignored my rebuttal. "I don't care if he's your fiancé, I never liked the guy."

"Jeremy!" Bonnie chided with a gasp.

"What? Elena knows how I feel about him." Jeremy argued, his voice rising. "Why isn't he driving down with us? If he loves you so much then he should be here. Anyone that even remotely knows you, knows how hard this is on you."

The tires screeched, and Bonnie pulled the car over to the side of the road, sending the three of us into an awkward silence. She looked over her shoulder, checking to see if baby Oscar was still sleeping in his car seat. Luckily for the two of us, he was, so Bonnie had to keep her composure.

"Outside, now." She quietly barked the order, and almost slammed the door shut, stopping herself at the last minute.

Reluctantly, and feeling like I'd been called into the principal's office, I stepped out of the car with Jeremy closely following behind. Back in the day, we would have glared at each other along the way, but today Jeremy was on my side; he just didn't know that I was the one in the wrong.

It was a damp, rainy day, so I put my hoodie over my head in preparation for the long-winded discussion.

"What is wrong with you Jeremy? I thought that we agreed not to talk about it." Bonnie fired away angrily; arms folded over her chest.

"Wait, you two talked about this?"

They shared a knowing look, whilst I stood there all confused.

"Yes, we talked about how shitty it is that Enzo is never there for you." Jeremy fessed up, clearly not sorry about his meddling. "You're always dealing with shit alone, and that's not how it should be."

Bonnie sighed, as her eyes avoided mine. She seemed conflicted, and that told me all that I needed to know.

"I really don't get where all of this is coming from.." I shook my head and leaned against the hood of the car. "Since when do you not like Enzo?" I looked at Jeremy, searching for an explanation.

How could something like that get past me? How could I have missed the fact that the two most important men in my life didn't get along? It didn't make any sense.

"Since always." He huffed out, sitting down next to me. "He's arrogant, cocky. Seems to think he knows everything best. Have you ever seen us have a conversation that lasted more than one minute?"

Coming to think of it, I hadn't.

"But Enzo is none of those things." I couldn't help but get defensive.

"Obviously, not towards you. You sleep with him."

Bonnie smacked Jeremy on the arm, glaring at him. "I swear I didn't put him up to this.."

"Well, do you agree with Jeremy?" I put her on the spot.

"No, not really." She mumbled nervously. "I mean not so much about not liking Enzo, but I guess we've all been thinking that he's been neglecting you a little bit."

"You've all been thinking that?" My eyes widened in shock. "So, discussing my relationship is some sort of a group activity?"

"No, of course not." Bonnie quickly corrected. "What I'm trying to say is that we love you, and we can't help but notice that you don't seem like your usual self. You can't blame us for being worried."

"Fine, I kissed Damon! There it is. That's what's wrong with me." I finally exploded. "I'm the sucky one, not Enzo. That's why I've been feeling like crap. Does that answer satisfy you both?"

Sooner or later, I knew that I'd regret spilling my secret, but in that moment it felt so liberating to just be honest. They both gaped at me with variable levels of shock painted across their faces, but Jeremy mainly seemed confused.

"Who's Damon?" He asked with an arched brow.

I didn't have enough fuel left in me for that conversation.

Turning on my heel, I went back inside of the car, having no other option but to continue the rest of the journey. It was going to be awkward as hell, but I was almost certain that my confession had rendered the two of them speechless for at least half of the drive.

I didn't mean to make a scene but having every single person on my back was getting tiring. On top of that, I hated that my relationship with Enzo was being scrutinized and discussed like some lame cover of a gossip magazine. I wasn't stupid, I knew that we were going through a rough patch, but I couldn't exactly sit there and pin the blame on him entirely, when I was the one fantasizing about another man.

My life was officially a mess.

We arrived at my parents' house around mid-afternoon, with minor delays on the way when Oscar was feeling a bit cranky, either in need of a diaper change or just some cuddling from Bonnie, as opposed to his dad. Those were the most soothing seconds of my day, watching Oscar smile and kick his feet up in excitement whenever Bonnie would come to pick him up.

I always wanted to be a mum, but it wasn't until my nephew was born that I realised how much I wanted to have a family of my own. Hearing his tiny giggle, having his chubby little hands grasp at my finger, that was the unconditional love that people spoke of. But wanting something didn't mean that you were ready for it, and I knew that I wasn't cut out for parenthood.

"These are all of my things?" I stood in the doorway of my old bedroom, staring at the dozens of boxes that currently occupied the floor.

"Yep, everything that you've ever owned." My mum peered from behind. "We didn't throw anything away, so that's your call. We can rent out a storage unit if there's anything that you want to have shipped to New York at some other time."

"I'll probably want to keep some of it." I nodded as my eyes scanned across the different labels.

Certificates, Awards, Toys, Photo Albums, Clothes.

These boxes practically held every memory that I ever made between being born and leaving for college when I was eighteen. The old furniture served as the only reminder of what my old room used to look like. There was the desk that I'd written all my essays on, sometimes staying up until one or two in the morning to get the work done. The mirror hanging above it used to have a bunch of photos tucked into its frame, evidencing every fun filled moment. School, parties, vacations, summer camp.

Growing up, I tried to capture every good thing that happened in my life. I guess some part of me always knew that happiness was a fleeting emotion.

"How about I grab us a cup of coffee and we can get started?"

My mum was being weirdly considerate today, like how an actual mother should be, but since it was such a rare occurrence, I decided to indulge in it.

"Sure." I sent her a small smile and started to inspect some of the contents.

Moving to Chicago for college, I only took what little I needed to get by. My parents fed my bank account with healthy amounts of money, so I was always able to afford whatever I wanted; new clothes, shoes, anything. So, the pieces of my old life remained in Baltimore, and no matter how many times I returned here since, I never bothered to go through any of it.

The first thing that caught my attention was my old journal, well, one of them. The only constant in my life was the artistic outlet, and that was either in the form of writing about my thoughts and feelings or drawing. I picked it up and flipped over to the last page, when a scrap of paper fell out. It had a date scribbled on the back of it, 28th July 2008.

It was a polaroid of Damon and I at a carnival that we went to with Bonnie and Kai. He held me close to his body, one arm securely wrapped around my waist, sporting that jaw dropping smile of his. I was also in my element, wearing a wide grin on my face and holding a gigantic pink cotton candy on a stick, looking up at Damon with lovey-dovey eyes.

I was a love-sick puppy when it came to that man, and it was so evident with just one glance at that photograph. Yeah, being so blindly in love with someone should be illegal.

"Mind if I come in?" I heard Jeremy ask.

"Yeah, sure." I nodded, sliding the polaroid into the back pocket of my jeans. "Listen, about earlier on.."

"It's fine, I don't care, Elena." Jeremy shook his head and sat down at the foot of my bed. He gestured for me to join him, so I did, feeling nervous the whole time.

"I just told you that I cheated on Enzo, and you don't care?" I pointed out with furrowed brows.

"You're my sister, I'll always be on your side."

"Even when I'm being a selfish jerk?"

Jeremy gave me the side look. "You don't have a selfish bone in your body."

"I do. I'm a crappy person, and you need to stop putting me on a pedestal." I admitted with a subtle snicker, getting teary eyed.

"How far did you go?"

"What do you mean?"

"With that Damon guy." He clarified, keeping his voice down.

"Oh," My lips parted. "Uh, it was just a kiss."

"Okay, so, you fucked up a little." Jeremy accepted the fact like it was nothing. "Now you have a choice to make."

"What choice?"

"You need to decide which one of them you want to be with."

My muscles stiffened at the mention. "It's not like that with him.."

"He's not the relationship type?"

Things would be much easier if that was the extent of my problems.

"He's just not an option."

"And if he was?"

I stopped fumbling with the bed covers for a second, allowing the question to sink in. I had been avoiding going down that road the last couple of days, afraid of uncovering the truth.

"Jer, what does this have to do with anything?" I looked up at him with a vacant gaze.

I wasn't a masochist; it wouldn't do me any good to think about the what ifs.

"I just don't think that it matters where you stand with that guy, because for one reason or another, you still kissed, right? Maybe you have feelings for him, maybe you don't. But if you were in love with Enzo, then you wouldn't have done that." Jeremy explained in a calm, structured manner, so much so that it made sense.

Surprisingly, when the explanation came from another person, I didn't need to question the reasoning behind it.

"It's not always that simple." I muttered with dismissiveness.

"It is though." He argued. "I love Bonnie, she's the love of my life. Ever since we've been together, I've not looked at another girl twice. Kissing someone else? I can't even imagine doing that."

"So, what, I should just throw it all away because of one stupid mistake?"

"If you ever want that relationship to work, you need to fess up. And if you know that you have feelings for someone else, then maybe it's best to break up with Enzo now rather than wait until you get married."

I collapsed onto the bed, tiredly rubbing my eyes. Jeremy was right. I just didn't have the courage to do any of it.

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For not judging, I know that it must be hard."

He smiled and patted me on the knee before standing up. "Let's just say that you owe me one. Alright, I need to get back to my room before Bonnie decides to put my comics collection in the no pile."

"Too late, they're already in it." Bonnie called out from Jeremy's room.

"Could she hear us this whole time?" I asked, sitting up.

"Yep, but he would have told me everything anyway." She chuckled.

"True." Jeremy nodded along.

"I hate you both." I tossed a pillow at him, but failed miserably with my aim, so it hit the door instead.

After the heart-to-heart conversation with Jeremy, of all people, I didn't have much time to think. My parents helped me get through some of my stuff, whilst Bonnie and Jeremy worked on clearing out his never-ending pile of crap. Apparently, Jeremy was quite the collector of all things unnecessary. I knew coming into this what I wanted to keep, mainly the journals, but also the obvious souvenirs like the photo albums and the plush teddy bear that I couldn't fall asleep without when I was a kid. It needed a good wash, but other than that it was good to go.

We went out for dinner to a local restaurant, and we had a nice time. Nothing felt out of the ordinary. My parents seemed to be getting along better than ever, so clearly deciding to get divorced was the right decision. But we mainly spoke about everything else, like which nursery Oscar was going to or how the house hunting was going, since Bonnie and Jer were looking to get something bigger for the three of them. There was some light discussion of my upcoming wedding, which Jeremy heroically tried to divert from, but my mum was having none of it.

Out of the two of us, I was the first one to get engaged, so there was some excitement involved from her side, and it was understandable.

Once we got back home, I wanted to have some time alone. Wrapping a thin cardigan around my shoulders, I headed for the swing set in our backyard with a cup of tea, just in time to catch the sunset. When I was younger, I loved sitting out here, breathing in the fresh air, basking in the tranquillity. Leaving this part of my life behind would be harder than I had anticipated. Sure enough, I hadn't done this in years, but I always had the option to, if I wanted.

"Your phone has been buzzing like crazy." Bonnie commented with a light chuckle and handed me the device. "Can I sit with you for a bit?"

"You? Always." I moved over to make some space, placing the phone out of my sight. "I'm sorry for blowing up like that."

"Let bygones be bygones." She scooted over and rested her head on my shoulder. "Have you thought about what you're going to do?"

"I'm sick of all the thinking." I frowned tiredly. "I just want things to go back to the way they were."

"Before Damon?"

"Yeah, before Damon."

"Are you going to tell Enzo about what happened?" Bonnie asked, biting her lip.

"I can't do that." A heavy feeling settled in my stomach. "Not because I'm scared that he'll break up with me, I just don't want him to make a scene and tell Andie or something."

"In all fairness, she deserves to know."

"I know." I admitted regrettably. "But not from me, and definitely not from Enzo. And if they're happy and in love, then what good will it do her to know? It was a drunken mistake."

"If it was me, I'd wanna know." Bonnie offered with a shrug. "Besides, are they really? Damon doesn't seem like a man in love, at least not with his wife."

"That's none of my business." I wrapped my fingers around the mug, warming up my hands. "What? Don't give me that look. I'm not in love with him, and he's not in love with me. We barely even know each other."

"Okay, fair enough." She backed away, nodding. "Just answer me this one question. What did you feel when you kissed?"

A whole range of emotions, but it was almost impossible to describe.

"Like I was finally home." I finally whispered against my better judgement. "And like I never wanted it to stop."

"And what's it like with Enzo?"

That did the trick, just like a cold shower would.

I couldn't come up with a single emotion, apart from the fact that it felt normal. Kissing Enzo was the most normal, natural thing in the world. But there was nothing else attached to that; no butterflies, no hunger for more.

"Maybe that's something for you to think about." Bonnie said softly, taking my silence as an answer. "It's time for Oscy's bath, don't sit out for too long or you'll catch a cold." She reprimanded me with a wink.

"Okay, mum." I half-smiled and waited for Bonnie to leave before I picked up my phone.

Now I knew why it was buzzing like crazy, there were two missed calls from Enzo.

Some part of me wished that it were Damon trying to get through, that maybe he'd text me to see how I was doing. I was weak and susceptible to that damned charm of his, so I couldn't, no, I shouldn't be allowing myself to go there. I guess you could say that it was a guilty pleasure of mine to think of the things that did me no good.

Following the recent enlightenment, I decided to face my fears, and I called Enzo back. We had a lot to discuss.

"Hey." I sounded more enthusiastic than I had intended.

"Hey. How's the packing going?"

"Uh fine, I'll take what I can with me, and I'll get the rest shipped out. Are you returning from the work trip tomorrow?"

"Yep." He replied, popping the 'p'. "Why?"

"We need to talk when I come home." I blurted out nervously.

"Is everything okay?" Enzo sounded worried.

"We'll talk about it then. Can you just make sure not to plan anything for the rest of the day? It's important."

"Elena, you're freaking me out. Did something happen?"

"No, I just need to tell you something." I took a deep breath. "I gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait, just give me a second." He rushed to cut me off. "I love you, you know that, right?"

"Why are you telling me this now?"

I must have caught him off guard because he didn't reply right away.

"I don't know, maybe because I haven't been saying it as often as I should have."

"Good night, Enzo." I sighed and hung up, not giving him a chance to say anything else.

This was the first unreciprocated 'I love you' during the course of our relationship, and I felt this sudden sense of urgency to call him back and tell him that I loved him too.

But something told me that I no longer did.

Later that night, I climbed into bed, and switched on the bedside lamp. I wanted to read the last entry from my diary, having realized that it was from when I returned from Italy. That meant that Damon and I were still together, as the breakup didn't happen until I went off to college. For some reason I never thought to throw it away, like I had done with all the other reminders of Damon; our photos, the first rose that he gave me. I had to rid myself of anything and everything that even remotely reminded me of him.

Except for this.

I'll be going off to college in five days, but it's hard to be excited. Damon will still be thousands of miles away, and I'll still be missing him, only from a different state and surrounded by new four walls. He called this morning, I sensed that something was wrong, but he wouldn't tell me. I asked about college, but like always, he had a way of changing the subject. I hate that he's being so secretive, it's like I can't get through to him now that I'm not there physically.

I was halfway down the page when my phone went off again. Checking the caller ID, I was surprised to see Caroline's name pop on the screen. It was late at night, so this couldn't be good.

"Care, what's going on?" My mind instantly jumped to the worst conclusions.

"Hey, I hope I didn't wake you." She sounded stressed. "Did Andie call you?"

"No, what for?" I asked quizzically.

"She can't do the shoot on Monday, so as of right now we don't have a photographer."

I sighed with relief. That I could deal with, but for a second there I thought that maybe Andie found something out.

"Oh okay, well, we'll just try to find someone to replace her for that day. Did she say why?"

"Yeah.." Caroline trailed off. "So, don't freak out or anything, I know that you guys have some history, so I thought that you should probably know.."

"That I should know what, Caroline?" My voice was shaky, and my lips trembled.

"Damon is in the hospital."

A/N: Hello! Back with another update, slightly delayed, albeit still here :) I've been loving reading your thoughts on this story, it makes me so happy to see so many people invested... and I've got a lot of things in store for Delena, and all of my readers, so I'm excited to take you along this journey with me!

I know, evil cliff-hanger.. what are your thoughts on this one? I hope that you enjoyed it. Thank you for your support! Please leave a review. Have a great week! Love, Kaya xx