WARNING: This chapter gets very dark and touches on topics that are more mature and may be triggering. Please be careful and heed the warnings I'm going to be placing here. If you decide it's not safe for you, I'll write a short summary in the end notes.

TRIGGER WARNINGS:

SELF-HARM/MUTILATION
ATTEMPTED SUICIDE
SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
MENTAL BREAKDOWN
DEPRESSION
DRUG ABUSE
MENTIONS OF TORTURE
SLIGHT/VAGUE GORE

Are you absolutely sure? I don't think this is a good idea.

Jasper frowned, kicking his heels against the back of the couch.

He'd spent the rest of the flight chatting about easy things with Gon and the rest of the group. Apparently too many heavy topics at once were a bad thing? Whatever. He enjoyed his time either way and he was determined to get some answers now that it had been a whole day of relaxing in their room aboard the airship, thinking.

Harry said that he remembered everything. And that he wouldn't say a word about it. Which he still thought was stupid and unfair but after having talked to Gon, and Blondie, and Drabreo (he laughed hysterically at Leorio's face for that one) about Killua… he was determined to know exactly what happened that day. It wasn't fair that everyone else knew Killua but for him this was like going to meet a stranger!

He wanted to see and to know! He wanted his interactions with Killua to be honest and backed by actual knowledge. And he had the strongest feeling that not knowing would cause more problems.

So, yes. He'd been sitting here practically begging and demanding Harry show him some memories of Killua. Especially, and most importantly, the one that had ended up with him needing to be healed.

It's going to affect how you see him. It's going to hurt you.

"I don't care," he snapped, thoroughly fed up with all the excuses that Harry kept throwing at him. He could see Menchi's head turn in his direction from his peripheral but he didn't turn to look at the couch. He hadn't told the others what he was planning to do and he wasn't going to. It was his decision and his decision alone. "Think of it like a test for the rest of it," he muttered sullenly a moment later.

Harry didn't exactly sigh but Jasper could practically hear his exasperation and trepidation zinging around his head and chest. Which was very strange. He was still getting used to there being someone else with him at all times. He had, in fact, forgotten about Harry's presence until he spoke up again and startled Jasper into slipping off the back of the couch as he'd been chasing Gon around the room. The loud crash had attracted Menchi from the bedroom and she just blinked down at him before shoving some fruit in his face.

That had been really embarrassing because Gon wouldn't shut up about it.

Jasper…

"Harry," he growled in response.

It was quiet for a few moments but before he could work himself up into- once again- pointing out all the logical reasons for needing to see this, Harry finally answered. Alright. He sounded tired but Jasper was full of energy now. He perked up, his lips peeling into a grin and he flopped back onto the chair, settling his head into the crack between the arm and the back while throwing his forearm across his eyes.

"Hey. You aren't going to sleep are you? You haven't eaten dinner yet, runt."

He huffed, peeking an eye out to look at her. "Nah. I'm not sleeping, just looking at something!"

"Uh-huh," her tone was drier than the desert. "How 'bout you eat first before doing whatever you're doing."

Yeah. He ended up eating because Menchi could be scary when she got that gleam in her eye.

And an hour later he regretted that when he woke up and violently vomited on the carpet.

"This way." Jasper followed Harry slowly, blinking and trying to right himself. It felt very off to be here when Harry was, like he was stuffed fuller than usual. Harry had said that he'd get used to the feeling, that it was only because he was consciously here instead of subconsciously (whatever that meant). Except the feeling didn't really fade so here he was stumbling after the taller boy unable to truly catch his balance.

"Here."

He stopped wobbling a bit until Harry's hand settled on his shoulder. Sort of. It was and wasn't like a physical sensation. There was the act of being stabilized by Harry's hand but it also felt more like Harry's whole… Self?... was there supporting him? It was very strange. Very very strange and he wasn't sure he'd ever be used to this mind space wackeyness.

Still, he was thankful for the support and allowed himself to lean more heavily into the taller boy. Then he glanced at what Harry was gesturing too.

And saw nothing.

Because Harry's shadows were blocking everything.

"What-"

Abruptly the shadows parted to the sides like rising curtains and he was now staring into a large stone room. One side had large windows letting in the sunlight and there were several people standing around watching an old man talk. But the scene itself looked frozen and it gave him space to look around. He stepped forward carefully but Harry did not follow and he glanced back at him in confusion. Green eyes stared right back, a grim light swirling in their depths.

"I can't go in with you."

"Why?"

"I have to monitor your reaction."

Jasper frowned looking into the room again before turning back to Harry. "I'll be fine."

The teen's expression didn't move but Jasper could once again taste the emotion pouring off of him. The sheer disbelief made his throat clog and he cleared it quietly. He tried again. "I will."

Nothing changed. Jasper sighed and turned back to observe everything going on. He wanted to keep watching as he was, a third party viewer, but as soon as he felt the shadows close behind him, he was sucked into one of the frozen figures and he blanched. Everything started moving around him and he moved too without actually moving and-

Everything stuttered to a stop as Jasper stumbled backwards clutching at his chest- his very self.

"What was that," he wheezed frantically looking around but all he could see was the room. No shadows except the natural ones caused by the fake sunlight. "Harry," he called out slightly desperately.

"Are you already done?"

He startled, staring at the teen in front of him that hadn't been there before. "W-what?"

"Tch. I knew this wasn't a good idea. You aren't even used to me and now you're trying to relive-"

"What? No-" He cut in, lurching forward to latch onto Harry. "I want to do this! I do! I have to see it! I just- just wasn't… expecting…"

The corner of Harry's eyes softened slightly and he let out a sigh. "I don't know how you talked me into this. This is so stupid. Jasper, we don't even know how we function together yet- we've always been separate."

"Please, Harry…"

"We could at least start with something less demanding!"

"You said it could take a while! I don't want my time doing this to be cut short!"

"I said it might take a while!"

"Harry…"

"Fine. Just- stop looking at me like that. I don't need your emotions blasted at me, thanks." He paused and stared at the smaller boy for a moment, running his eyes over Jasper's quivering form. "One more try. I don't want you hurting yourself for this."

Jasper pursed his lips, his fingers digging into Harry's arm- self- before nodding in agreement. One more time was all he was going to need because he was going to do this. The feeling had overwhelmed him the first time and he knew what to expect now. Sort of.

And so they tried again and this time Jasper didn't fight the feeling. He ended up acting the part of a puppet in a play, his spirit along for the ride. Everything he felt in that moment washed over him, drowned him in its intensity. His thoughts from then clanged around his head like someone slamming metal pots together, almost overwhelming enough to keep him from thinking, from processing, from trying to remember that he wasn't actually there.

And then came the terror just from being in Killua's older brother's presence. If he had thought the other emotions to be strong... At least with those his head had been bobbing in the water, with this he was yanked straight down into an icy depth.

For the second time he was ejected from the scene, this time coughing up a storm while trying to breathe at the same time. Harry did not appear even though Jasper desperately wanted his comfort. Perhaps because he believed in Jasper or perhaps because he was also blaring his determination to continue. Whatever the reason he took a moment to calm down, even his breathing and heartbeat- though he wasn't sure how that worked considering they were in his mind- before cautiously inserting himself back into the scene.

The abrupt dip back into the suffocating terror immediately shot him back out again and he spluttered in shock. Then he glared at his memory double. If he had lived through the terror then, he could certainly do so again now.

So, he did. It wasn't any easier no matter his determination but he made it.

He made it right up to the point that Killua's hand was stuck in his chest and all he felt was distant sorrow to see his friend look so horrified for what he had done.

Jasper was immediately blasted outwards, the hook in his navel yanking him up-

"Jas, breathe!"

He was trying! He was trying!

It felt as though his breath had been stolen from his lungs as he doubled over heaving again. Only bile and tears greeted him as he'd long since expelled the food he'd eaten.

"C'mon Jasper. Listen to my voice and try to copy my count, okay? In. 1, 2, 3 ,4. Out. 1, 2, 3, 4."

He tried but his chest felt shattered, his lungs couldn't expand!

"Sorry, runt."

A heavy weight slammed into his back and he gagged at the shock before sucking in a sharp breath. Then he did it again and again and again.

Slowly the world around him came back into focus. Through blurry vision he caught sight of the recognizable green from Gon's outfit and the dark blue suit Leorio wore was a sharp color contrast from the red couch.

… Terrible idea. Never should have done it.

"What happened," he breathed, dazed.

"You suddenly started convulsing," Leorio responded, shifting a little farther back as Gon scooted forward, carefully avoiding the mess on the carpet. Two arms hooked under his armpits and slowly pulled him upwards until he was resting his sweaty face against Gon's shoulder. "It was so bad you fell off the couch onto your face. Kurapika left to talk to the pilot about an emergency medical landing."

"You scared the bejeezus out of us! What the hell were you and Harry doing," Menchi demanded from somewhere behind them.

"Watching a memory," he murmured tiredly.

Which isn't going to happen again. Your heart stopped, Jasper. I can't- Never again!

"Oh."

But why couldn't he feel anything from Harry?

"I'll go talk to Kurapika and the pilot but I am going to do a full check up afterwards," Leorio huffed quietly after staring at him for a moment. His departure was just as quiet, the door closing the only sound as it clicked shut across the room.

Gon's fingers gripped the back of his shirt tightly as the boy buried his face into Jas' shoulder and quietly commanded. "You can't do that, Jas. You can't. Don't do that again."

Jasper hummed thinking over the implications of everything that happened. He'd almost died… but he'd accomplished what he set out to do. He remembered everything about that day and it left him with even more questions. What was he going to do about Killua? He wasn't quite sure how he felt about that yet. He remembered the admiration, the desire to steal him away. He also remembered the feel of fingers settled gently around his heart, the agonizing shift of sharpened bone scraping against his flesh.

But, more importantly... could it be done again with less danger to himself? Could he and Harry practice more with lighter memories so he could lessen the impact to himself? Was the information worth the confusion and pain he was still suffering in the aftermath? Harry did say he'd already torn his mind apart the first time…. What if he tried to do so again?

He was sure he'd be able to convince Harry eventually but-

… Did he even want to try?

Crack.

Stingstingsting.

Crack.

Heatheatheat.

Crack.

Killua sighed unhappily, deshedding the brush he was using on his father's dogs. They were so large that the process usually took all day for one dog with several butlers and here he was forced to do it alone. His muscles ached and throbbed in protest and his thoughts were heavy and muggy. He'd once thought he already had an immunity to all the Zoldyck poisons but that was naive. Of course, they'd keep something in reserve for the unruly heir.

At least it wasn't nausea inducing…

Ugh.

He hated them.

They were all monsters.

He was a monster.

Warm and wet, pulsing between his fingers.

Illumi was right. He was unfit to be anything other than an assassin, a beast in human form taking out those they were contracted to kill. Except… Killua was worse, wasn't he? Jasper was… was his friend. He hadn't said, hadn't claimed it, until Illumi appeared but it didn't detract from the truth. Gon was a brilliant blazing inferno, one that attracted the eye and attention. Jasper was subtler; a hot coal set close enough that one might or might not ignore it but once you held it you realized how precious it was. Killua had held it.

He'd held that warmth-

Literally.

Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

"Big Brother, you're not allowed to stop working. Lunch isn't for another half hour."

Kalluto's voice cut through the remembrance harshly making Killua's lips twitch. His aching hands relaxed around the large brush, allowing blood to flow back turning the white skin a reddish pink. The jagged lines that came from sewing his hands back together flushed a vivid purple, a nasty reminder. He refused to look at his little brother, mockingly seated under a shaded tree while he suffered in the sun.

He wasn't allowed to stop. Wasn't allowed to think. Wasn't allowed to remember. Wasn't allowed to wallow.

His family had already learned their lesson when he collapsed after the torture. Normally punishments were nothing to him; routine. Taunt Milluki, take the pain, move on. But he hadn't wanted to move on. He'd wanted that pain, that punishment. Each harsh strike of the whip set his tongue wagging sharply until Milluki truly was tearing strips from his hide in rage.

Killua still hadn't been satisfied.

Mother and Father had been furious.

"Big Brother."

"Tch."

He resumed the mind numbing task of dragging the brush through the thick coarse fur of the giant dog. It watched him lazily, panting under the heat of the high sun.

Hours upon hours upon hours of mindless slogging work.

At the end of the day Killua collapsed in his bed after having eaten poisoned food.

He wished for an end.

He wished to end his whole family.

He wished he didn't relive that moment over and over and over in his dreams.

The fading light of his eyes-

It was a normal hit. Completed with ease. He looked coldly upon the faceless body before turning to his own horrified image and smirking.

The agonized curl of his face, the desperate clutch of his fingers against Killua's wrist-

He stared dispassionately at his stained hand. He wondered how his father did it so bloodlessly.

Killua shuddered awake, already dreading the day. The room was filled with flat grey and blue colors that used to look vibrant to his eyes and were now dulled and meaningless. The moonlight leaked through the curtains just enough for him to gaze upon the visible ceiling. There was nothing there, empty as always and yet his gaze was riveted. He couldn't turn to look anywhere else and didn't care to. Right now was going to be the only time he'd have a clear head for hours until right before lunch. His family had drugs and poisons down to an art. So, he laid there and he wallowed more because he wasn't allowed at any other time. With a family member on him at all times to make sure his task was done there wasn't any time to feel sorry for himself, sorry for the friend that he had murdered because he was a monster.

Even now someone sat in a half meditative sleep only feet away from his bed. He didn't know who it was. Didn't want to think about it.

At least this was better than being tied down and forced to listen to his mother rant and drone on family rules, ethics, contracts and whatever else she wanted to try and stuff into his head. Ignoring it only works when she wasn't so observant about him paying attention. Swats with a cane were nothing like the pain he wanted- deserved- but it was enough to bring him back from his mindless drifting. That- that day had been true torture. Two days of no sleep after trying to concuss himself in the medical wing (just to make the thoughts, the voices -his big brother- shut up) and then left with his mother for 24 hours straight would break anyone.

Even Killua.

He'd well and truly shattered at that point. Screaming and trying to hurt- himself, his mother, his family, the world.

He didn't remember much of it… but what he did… He'd hated himself. Wanted to tear himself to shreds, make himself useless to the family so they'd show their true colors just like he'd shown his.

Mother knew how to fight, sure, but she wasn't a combatant. He'd injured her- again- pretty easily, just enough to get away. Just enough to hide and tear his own hands to shreds with his teeth. His hands didn't deserve to hold that warmth- didn't deserve to hold anything again-

He was nothing more than a killer. He'd kill everything he'd ever loved and then himself.

Killua shuddered again, the soft feel of his blankets was grating against his skin. He wanted to throw them off, rend them to pieces-

But noise would attract the butlers and awaken whoever was on watch duty and being awake before his schedule granted him a small reprieve for his thoughts to blossom; it's flower red and sharp. He wanted the pain, he wanted the dark and ugly thoughts. How else was he to know himself, to remind himself of how he'd been raised as a tool? How he'd gone beyond Grandfather's teachings and killed someone outside of contract? Just because he could. Just because Jasper was his friend.

He shuddered again, scrunching his eyes closed and trying to ignore the ache that settled in the front of his head.

He didn't know how long he was there, ignoring, relishing, hating, craving the pain that throbbed inside his skull but eventually a butler opened the door and he knew it was just another day to slog through some assigned chore. Another day to 'train' the dexterity back into his ruined hands. Another day to be constantly surrounded…

He really wished he could just fall asleep and never wake up.

Zeno observed his grandson with a frown. Killua had been progressing nicely before. Perhaps he was a little rebellious but every heir tended to be; even Silva had been a handful when he was younger. That freedom was nurtured to a certain point as it allowed the Zoldyck heir to grow, to learn lessons beyond what could be taught in such a secluded place. Killua, of course, was a little more mutinous than expected but it was nothing that couldn't be handled with a light touch. One Zeno had discussed himself with Silva time and time again and his son had come far in learning how to deal with his child. Killua needed freedom in certain areas and a firmer hand in others. It was a delicate balancing act made even harder by his daughter-in-law. Her vicious loyalty to the family was expected, encouraged even, but sometimes her madness was a little too sharp and she ended up cutting her children with it. It had happened with all of them, Illumi being the most harshly affected so far, and this time it had caused a problem they were finding difficult to fix.

Zeno Zoldyck was old, he was tired, and he was very angry and disappointed in his eldest grandson. Illumi's childish act in pushing Killua to kill someone he'd claimed as a friend had pushed the boy over an invisible precarious edge. Were Zoldyck's meant to have connections outside of the family? Not technically, but that was a rule that was very loosely upheld. Of course, if your contact was influential it was looked upon with much more leeway, but in general the rule was rather lax. Even Illumi had that strange clown boy that he was close with (though the boy would never call it that).

But, Zoldyck's were trained to hold loyalty to the family above all and there was a careful regimen that was followed, tailored to each individual, to cultivate that loyalty. Sometimes outside influences played a part in that. If they had kept to the regimen, Killua would have been encouraged to cultivate those friendships while maintaining contact with his family about his whereabouts every now and then. Allowing those freedoms would have created a closer bond through gratefulness whether Killua would have realized or not and then they could work on slowly reeling him back into the family. It was something that his father, Zigg, had done with himself. Zeno had had time to enjoy the world before making the ultimate decision to come back to the family. He'd been planning to do the same with Killua.

And now this mess.

When Killua had first come home he'd looked like nothing more than one of Illumi's empty puppets. His mother had greeted him with a flurry of tears, his father with a quiet welcome home, his brothers with taunting jeers. There had been no reaction.

That was the first red flag.

Silva had to assign punishment, of course, for attacking the family and it had been rather light. Four days in the dungeon testing pain tolerance through Milluki. His second eldest grandson was rather weak in body so they hadn't expected Killua's to force Milluki into a rage. With no reaction the first few days, no repentance at all, Silva had had to extend the punishment. Milluki had been delighted, taking pleasure in 'teaching his bratty brother a lesson'.

Zeno sighed softly as he watched the assigned butler strip his grandson and change out the bandages wrapped around his thin torso. With little more than taunts and irreverent attitude, Killua had pushed his older brother into flaying him, drawing upon a strength his fat grandson didn't normally seem willing to display. When the whipping started cutting into important muscles, he'd stepped in personally as he sent his youngest grandson to retrieve Silva. His son hadn't been any better off after seeing the state of the Zoldyck heir.

That was the second red flag.

Milluki was still smarting over the loss over all his game consoles and Zeno couldn't fathom where they'd gone wrong with that one. If it wasn't for his mechanical genius he'd be useless.

The butler moved on to the bandages on the boy's hands, rubbing a soothing cream into them, making sure to massage the barely healed purple scars. That event had been the third red flag. Kikyo had been so certain that it was the perfect time for Killua to be reminded of the family creeds and business. Zeno hadn't been for it but Silva was willing to let his wife try. After trying to smash his head into the floor one too many times in an epic tantrum of rebellion, it had been decided that Killua would need restraints. So, they'd carefully tied him to a chair, making sure it was done in a way that he couldn't cause damage to himself.

That whole thing had been a mistake.

It had led to an actual meltdown. One with severe consequences.

Killua's hands had almost been beyond saving entirely. Their medics were some of the best in the world- they'd have to be to be working in the Zoldyck Estate- but even they could only do so much when he'd torn flesh from his hands in chunks and bitten through several of the bones before they finally found him on the roof.

So he was forced into another two days of recovery. By this point Killua was a simmering ball of hatred. Zeno could feel that rage constantly changing focus from inward to outward and he was rather worried the boy would do something stupid. Again.

So, he called a family meeting, excluding Illumi who he'd banned (with Silva's support) from talking to the family at all besides Silva. The young man wasn't even allowed to come home until they had Killua stabilized and Zeno had forbidden anyone from informing Illumi of what was happening as well. He didn't need Illumi getting one of his obsessively protective ideas and ruining any progress they might make.

The meeting had consisted of what he had gathered about his grandson's mental state so far (not that much of it wasn't obvious but it was best if every family member had the full picture) and he informed them he was going to test Killua by starting him on chores. The first of which was the most crucial: polishing in the armory. He also made sure to draw up a rotating schedule for each Zoldyck- with the exception of Milluki and Illumi- to be with Killua. He'd been hesitant to add Kikyo but in the end decided it would be counterproductive to her mental state to exclude her. He just made sure Gotoh was also always around so he could intercede as needed between the two.

The next day Zeno took Killua to his first assigned chore, making sure to carefully watch him. It was a test, one which Killua failed badly.

The beginning had been fine, Killua was bleary eyed- exhausted and drugged- and just started doing as he was told. So Zeno pushed a little harder, he stepped out of the room shortly to 'speak' with a butler. Perhaps, had he been a little more sound of mind Killua would have seen the ruse for what it was, but he wasn't. And therefore, the boy ended up injuring himself again. It could have been worse if he hadn't flitted back inside so quickly and ripped a dagger away from the boy's neck. Which meant that Zeno had been right and they had a suicidal heir and that-

It was just-

Zeno felt every bit his age as he sat there and watched Killua be dressed and pulled from the bed to start the day.

AN: Man... I am Mean to my characters. Don't worry guys! Killua will get better, I swear. He's at rock bottom right now but Gon and Jasper will be there to drag him to his feet.

For those who chose to skip this chapter:
It starts with Jasper convincing Harry too look at the memory of the final phase in the Hunter Exam. Jasper struggles to get through the whole thing, overwhelmed by the motions and thoughts from the memory. Eventually he makes it to the end where he wakes back up and becomes violently sick. His friends are surrounding him and they tell him he had started convulsing (Harry informs him his heart stopped and that they will never be doing that again) and Leorio runs to speak to the pilot about an emergency landing.

Killua's POV explores the past few weeks he's been home. Suffice it to say it was not great. He ended up being sent to the recovery after a whipping gone too far. In the medical wing he tried to hurt himself and was restrained with his mother. After his time with her he snaps, attacking her and destroying his hands because he thinks they shouldn't be able to hold anything again. After this, Killua is drugged into compliance by the family and he spends his time doing chores while he's on suicide watch.

Zeno's POV gives some insight into the old man's mind and how they were going to groom Killua by giving him some freedom. Zeno is very upset and has basically banished Illumi while they try to fix this situation. It goes through his point of view during Killua's breakdown and how the family decided to handle the situation. (Through 'medicine'.)

Shoutout:

Tetractys- So happy you're still taking time to leave me a review! I really really appreciate it!

Drakality- I do already have Jasper's nen planned! I hope you enjoy it in the future~ As for Jasper's learning speed... really fast lol. Thank you so much for sticking around.

You guys really do keep me up and writing!