Author's Note: So, since I was a youngster (I'm in my 20's now -_- haha), I've noticed that the vast majority of FanFiction content is one of 2 things: Mary-Sue stories (where the central OC is a perfect, idealized, and painfully obvious extension of the {usually lonely teenage} author's self, transported into the world where they immediately take over and cause everyone to fall in love with them/base the plot completely around themselves) and/or erotic (where our favorite fictional characters are placed into horrifically sexual situations, often for no reason at all). So I decided to write this story as a loving/only slightly mocking homage to both of those types of stories...my literary alter ego will enter this world full of Disney characters with a shamefully perverted mission and try to drastically affect their lives, using his knowledge of their films and tropes. Hopefully, it's entertaining to follow his story arc as he attempts to navigate his way through the various storylines and motivations of these iconic Disney characters. :p

Prologue

Long story short, I had just watched 'Enchanted' the night before for the first time in my life. It was a Friday, it had been raining all day, and I was drunk and alone (…again. So, a typical Friday for me.) The movie was playing on a random movie channel and, feeling too lazy and cold to go out and do anything productive or social, I drank a six-pack and some wine by my lonesome while laughing my drunk ass off like the sorry bastard I was.

I think the last thing I said before passing out was, "Haha, Walt Disney, fuck you and your stupid ass movies…" (I talk to myself sometimes when I'm drunk…go ahead and JUDGE ME.)

The next morning, I felt like shit and decided that maybe taking a walk might cure my hangover. So, I put on my jacket and grabbed my backpack, which had a journal, a hoodie, and some water bottles (only one of which was filled with more alcohol) and set out for the woodsy park near my house.

Maybe ten minutes into it, I stumbled over to a bush and threw up.

"God, I suck," I said to no one in particular.

"Yeah you do," said a raspy voice.

"Aaghh!" I shrieked in a voice that was significantly less manly than I like to think I sound. I turned and saw, no lie, a striped cartoon cat lounging on a low-hanging tree branch behind me.

"Oh God," I moaned, "I'm dreaming."

"No you're not," he said. "Go ahead, pinch yourself."

For some reason, I listened to the cartoon cat. "Ouch."

"Told you!" he said gleefully. "Is your mind blown right now?"

I squinted at him. "Hey, I know who you are. You're the Cheshire Cat from 'Alice in Wonderland.' What are you doing here?"

"You blasphemed against the great Walt Disney," answered the Cat. "So I was sent here to make you pay penance."

"They sent a fat, dopey cat to intimidate me?" I asked in disbelief. "Actually, that completely gels with everything I know about the man. Carry on."

"You really are a smug son of a bitch, aren't you? Is that vomit on your ear?"

"Okay, forgive me if I'm not shaking in my boots because a cartoon was sent to put the fear of God, or Walt, in me."

"You underestimate the power of Disney," said the Cat. "This is a grave mistake, my friend."

"Like you can actually do anything to me. You're not real."

"Aren't I?" he asked in a singsong voice, floating up in the air and turning upside down. I paused where I stood and really took in the fact that I was looking at a levitating cartoon cat who could speak English. This was troubling, on a number of levels.

"I'm on some serious drugs, aren't I?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Lewis Carroll was tripping balls when he wrote 'Alice in Wonderland.'"

"Ah, but I'm Disney's version of the Cheshire Cat. Disney people don't do drugs!" A malicious glint entered his eye. "Or do they?"

"I'm not sure what you're getting at," I said, crossing my arms.

"You sneer at what Disney has created through the years," said the Cat. "You think his iconic characters are 'lame' and 'predictable,' do you not?"

"Well, yeah," I said. "After watching 'Enchanted,' it just made me think about how stupid they all are. I would love to go to one of their worlds and own that shit, because they sure couldn't handle living in mine."

"Really!" he said, looking highly amused. "Interesting!"

I shrugged. "I'm just saying the truth. 'Enchanted' proved that, but it's pretty common sense. The characters in all those Disney movies are just exaggerated ideals and extremes, meant to be marketed towards children so they can sell lunchboxes and Halloween costumes."

"You think all of Disney's classic cartoon characters are shallow and two dimensional?" he asked me. "You think if they were all to exist in a world like yours, you'd be able to navigate your way with aplomb and find success wherever you sought it, because they'd be too foolish and predictable to counteract your knowledge of them? Do I have that right?"

"Wow, you're pretty long-winded for a thing that looks like it's made up of rejected crayon colors and failure."

"Answer the question."

"Seeing as they're all naïve, idealistic caricatures who are prone to breaking into song at random times," I said with a long-winded sigh of my own, "yeah, I don't think it'd be too hard to manipulate them."

The Cheshire Cat sneered. "So confident you are!"

"What are you, Yoda?"

"I don't know who that is."

"You better learn because your godless corporation owns Star Wars now."

"We're getting off-track," the Cat said. "Back to the point…you think you're so much more well-rounded and nuanced of an individual than any classic character Disney has ever animated."

"Well yeah," I said, "I'm real. So I'd say that's a given."

"You're 'real,' huh?" he asked thoughtfully. "Hmm. That's interesting you think that. What makes you real, exactly?"

"I talk, I think, I exist," I said.

"I'm talking right now," he said. "Thinking is overrated, but I find myself entertaining occasional thoughts now and then. And I'm in front of you right now too, so I clearly exist, don't I?"

"I don't know," I said. "I'm probably suffering from a terrible brain injury. I probably bumped my head or something. I probably have an aneurysm. God, I hope I don't die in five minutes."

"Say you didn't bump your head," said the Cat, "and say you're not on any drugs, or just dreaming, or anything."

"Okay…"

"You are looking at and interacting with me, are you not?"

"I guess…"

"So I exist."

"In a way."

"I'm real."

"Cartoons aren't real."

"Why not?"

"They're not flesh and blood."

"Neither is this tree. Or this rock. Or the sun overhead."

"Okay, but those things are tangible," I said. "They can be seen, heard, and felt."

The Cheshire Cat jetted over suddenly and slapped me across the face. He packed a wallop in that chubby little paw of his, and I nearly tumbled to the ground.

"Ow!" I cried, holding my face.

"You felt my slap, did you not?"

"What the hell, man?"

"Do I need to demonstrate my slapping abilities again?"

"No! God! I felt it the first time!"

"So what makes me not real then?"

"I don't know!" I exclaimed. "Maybe you are real, I don't know. Where did you even come from, you creep?"

"What if I were to tell you that there are dimensions other than the one in which you exist?" he asked me. "What if I were to tell you that there are alternate realities containing beings that may be thought of as mere fantasy in certain other dimensions, including…your own, perhaps?"

I thought about this. It was certainly remotely possible, from a scientific perspective, that our imaginations were really connected to some state of alternate consciousness. The idea that our dreams existed in a different plain of reality, that they were subconscious glimpses into fantastic worlds not privy to the same limiting laws of physics as our own. Maybe we didn't ever make anything up; maybe everything we thought up came from another world, one that only our minds could access when we thought creatively.

"Okay, it's possible," I admitted, "but it's a pretty sketchy concept."

"You've watched and read plenty of stories where people from the so-called 'real world' are placed into fantasy worlds, storybook worlds, and get caught up in some type of quest or are embroiled in the various dramatics of the realm they're transported to," the Cat said. "And you've seen our movie 'Enchanted' where a stereotypical naïve and innocent Disney princess is placed into the real world, with amusing results."

"Yeah, okay, go on."

"Well, I'm putting before you an option that is both similar to and very different from both of those experiences. What if there was another world that mostly resembles yours in terms of reality and appearance? No evil witches or fanciful fairies, no fearsome dragons or talking animals, no dashing princes or angelic princesses, and no magic, at least not in the ways that you know? And in this world exists many of the characters of your childhood that you once loved and now jeer at, but they are tailored to this reality, have grown up in it their whole lives and know nothing different? Instead of being princesses, princes, warriors, and villains, they are cheerleaders, bookworms, athletes, criminals, and altogether regular people? What if they all went to the same high school, but they were still true to the spirits of their original incarnations?"

"I don't know," I said, "If they were true to the versions I've seen, that'd be pretty hilarious seeing them in high school, I guess. I imagine it'd be a fairly ridiculous place."

"Perhaps," said the Cat, "Or maybe it would be infinitely closer to your own experiences than you would ever expect."

"Doubtful," I said. "Disney isn't exactly known for its realistic portrayals."

"I think you may find that you vastly overestimate your own originality and significance," said the Cat. "You know your own perception of existence and you think that it's all that is real, because it's all you know. You think you're so much better written or thought out than so-called 'fictional' characters, don't you?"

"Yeah, seeing as I'm not 'written' or 'thought out,'" I said. "Since I actually exist beyond the realms of a page or a computer, I'd say that's a safe bet."

"That's what you think!" crowed the Cat. "For all you know, someone is reading your story right now! For all you know, everybody has their story being read by somebody else."

"Far out," I said sarcastically. "You should really have used this shtick in the Sixties; they would have loved you."

"I'm going to give you the chance to prove yourself right," he said, "or wrong. I'm going to send you to a place where the mundane has replaced the fantastical, where the ordinary has taken over for the extraordinary. You feel so superior that it should be easy for you to remain aloft from the people you will find around you. You won't have to worry about making emotional attachments or getting caught up in the struggles they face. You'll be aloof, distant, sealed off from the rest of them, because you come from such a starkly different world…this one will seem silly by comparison. Let me ask you something, Shane. Do you believe in true love?"

I started to laugh. "How very 'Disney' of you. Are you gonna start singing 'When You Wish Upon a Star' to me now?"

"It's a valid question."

"Okay," I said, "The best I can say to that is I don't know. I've never personally been in love and I think the whole concept of 'true love' sounds a little like horseshit, but then again I'm a cynical twenty-something who hates a lot of things. Maybe it exists for all I know, but I've never come close to experiencing it."

"So you aren't worried about falling in love with any fictional characters then."

I burst out laughing again. "You're kidding, right?"

The Cheshire Cat started to laugh too, which was a little unnerving. "No, no, I'm serious. I'm just checking to make sure I know exactly who I'm doing this to."

"If I magically transport to some world with these Disney characters," I said, "I might do my best to bone every single princess I can, but I'm not gonna fall in love with characters that don't exist!"

"Right, right," he said, "because you exist and they don't. I remember. Very good, very good."

I rolled my eyes. "Anyway."

"So what do you say?"

"Can I go pack some clothes and withdraw some money first?" I asked, only half mockingly.

"No."

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because fuck you, that's why!" he proclaimed joyously.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I'm not exactly sure I want to do this anymore."

"Well it's too late for that!" he said with a grin. "You're already in over your head."

"Ha!" I scoffed. "I'll do what I want, you fat stupid cat. You can't stop me."

His laughter began to increase in both intensity and volume. Simultaneously, storm clouds began to gather above us as thunder rumbled. Truth be told, it was all a little off-putting. I glanced around my surroundings nervously, wondering if some other hiker would unwittingly stumble upon this scene and see a maniacal illustrated cat laughing his furry ass off.

But nobody came.

"You're about to become an eighteen year old senior again," said the Cat, "attending the idyllic Disney High School, which has a sterling educational reputation, by the way."

"Eighteen?" I questioned. "I don't want to go through that again!"

"Don't worry," said the Cat, "you'll look virtually the same as you do now. And you'll have all your thoughts and memories and that depraved sense of humor you do now. But you won't be here in the now anymore at all."

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, looking up at the storm clouds. They were really getting crazy now. Part of me told me I should start running for shelter, but another part said that I wouldn't get very far if I tried.

"You'll love it!" exclaimed the Cheshire Cat. "It's perfect for you and your vile nature."

"So what is it?"

"You'll have a checklist of Disney princesses and heroines," he continued. "All you have to do is cause them to fall for you. Simple enough."

"All of them?" I asked. "That could take forever. Do they all know each other? Bitches be getting jealous and all."

"Because I like to give people a sporting chance when I place ironic curses upon them," said the Cat, "I'll cut you a break. You don't have to seduce all of them, but there is a minimum number you must attain, a number which you will not be told."

"What does this even entail?" I asked. "Make them 'fall for me,' what does that even mean?"

"If you can cause a princess to emotionally or physically give herself up to you, you will meet the requirement for that princess."

"So…" I said slowly, hardly believing my ears, "…hypothetically speaking, if I boink them, I can check their name off the list."

"Sure!" he exclaimed. "That'd work! If you think you can, of course. Get in their pants, I mean. Or should I say their beautiful dresses? Of course, carnal knowledge is only one form of intimacy, but then again, you don't believe in true love, do you?"

"This is a pretty diabolical task you're setting before me."

"Isn't it, though?" He could hardly contain his grin. "I think you might enjoy it, no?"

I shrugged, a guilty grin of my own manifesting itself on my face. "You're asking me to almost literally rape my childhood...or to at least consensually fuck it. Hmm. Well…it doesn't sound like it'll improve my emotional health, but what the hell? I'm a horrible person already. I'm in."

"Wonderful!" hissed the Cat.

I began to feel all tingly inside. That was new. I held my limbs out and looked at them. Was that fairy dust falling from them?

"Oh and one more thing!" he added. "There's a catch!"

I looked up at him questioningly.

"You can't become emotionally attached to any of them."

"I can't even make friends?" I asked. "Well that sucks. I want to at least have fun on this acid trip from Disney Hell."

"Oh, you can make all the friends you want," he said, "but the second you start to develop real feelings for any of them, the moment you begin to get embroiled in their lives to a degree that you don't feel like you can walk away at the drop of a hat, or of a glass slipper, then that will be when you risk becoming trapped there forever. The whole point of this endeavor is for you to prove that you are superior to them, more human than them, and that you don't all belong in the same kind of world. You have to do better than these miserable creatures. If you begin to grow emotionally attached to any of them, that separation evaporates. You become interchangeable, and you cannot return to this world of yours that you claim is so much deeper and true."

I frowned and processed this, starting to feel tinges of doubt for the first time. But then again, how could there be any risk here? All I had to do was remind myself that none of them were real, and that I was. I mean, right?

"Is there a time limit?" I asked.

"No time limit," he said. "You have all the time you need. However long it takes to get through the required number. And if you succeed, you will return to this very spot without any time having passed in your world. Now, are you ready?"

I gulped. "Not really, but…I guess."

The Cat grinned and for a moment, he almost looked positively demonic.

"Make sure to keep all arms and legs inside the inter-dimensional portal and, please, no flash photography."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes as thunder rumbled. Then, suddenly, the clouds parted and a bolt of white hot lightning shot down, right down on top of me.

I only heard the Cheshire Cat say one last thing before the bright electrical energy overtook me.

"And remember! Don't fall in love!"

And then everything went black.

So there's the Prologue, containing my pretentious justification for the ridiculous plot of this story :p...All reviews are welcome and appreciated, including flames (the more creative the better haha) The next few Chapters will be uploaded soon!