An old Valentine's Day drabble

Love it or Hate it

I looked up at Joe, then again at the gift in my hand. I was in shock; I was prepared for a lot, but not this, never this. I couldn't believe it.

It was Valentines day; a day that was equally hated and loved. Generally your view depended on your current marital or boyfriend status.

When I was single I spouted comments about the commercialism of our society and our consumer driven lives, and when I was with a man I murmured about the beauty of a day that celebrated love. Of course, that was pre-the-table-incident. Since then I've viewed both Valentines day and love with a narrowed-eyed scepticism. Which may explain why I've never been able to say the 'L' word to the man in front of me.

He was looking at me expectantly, waiting for my reaction.

We'd been on a our usual off again moment, and I suppose that it's around that time where my hormones speak up and my defences go down, and the stupid Stephanie thinks it's a good idea to give Joe another chance. Fortunately, today my hormones may be up, but my defences aren't down; and that may be due to the valentine's gift in my hand.

'A snow-globe?' I finally said, my voice flat in disbelief.

Joe ignored the warning signs and continued down the path of never-sleeping-with-Stephanie-again.

Joe turned the snow globe round so I could get the full effect, 'it says 'World's Greatest Lover'.' He flashed me a knowing smirk, and I resisted the urge to smash the fricking globe on the sidewalk.

As cliché as it was, a girl liked flowers, maybe a nice meal, or hey go really wild and get her a nice bit of jewellery. Or think outside the box and take her on a boat ride or serenade her with crappy songs with worse lyrics.

Joe handed me a card and I suppressed a grimace at the garish pink envelope. I handed Joe my snowy world whilst I opened my card, hoping against hope that this card would redeem the tasteless snow-globe.

The card was handcrafted, probably from one of the local stores, and was pretty in a simplistic way; it simply had a red heart in a pretty border. Ok, so far I wasn't screaming in horror. I reluctantly opened the card.

Dear Cupcake,

Orgasms are pink

You should have more

I'll make you cum

Like never before.

Joe x

I was having Mario Sub and Stadium flashbacks; the horror of having Joe Morelli write about me all over the Burg, and worse; he tried to rhyme. It was a clouds-parting-beam-of-light moment. Joe might be a good man, but in a lot of ways, he hadn't changed.

For one thing, he still couldn't write a respectable poem.

Joe was grinning at me, and I idly wondered if he would be smiling if he knew how much I wanted to kick him right now. I had wanted a nice Valentines, I'd even hoped Joe would pull through, but no. When had he ever?

'Joe?' I sighed, 'I've got to go.'

I shoved my wintery world and my fabulous card into my tote bag and climbed into my Ford Escape. I cranked the engine over and made tracks; leaving Joe standing by the Tasty Pastry, trying to work out what exactly he'd done wrong.

I silently cursed Joe again, I hadn't even managed to get my sugar fix, damn.

I arrived back at my Rangeman desk with a few minutes to spare before I had my obligatory shooting lesson with Ranger. I filled my minutes by clicking away at my computer, spilling out people's innermost secrets and putting them on file.

I knew Ranger was there before his hand settled on my neck, but I jumped at his touch anyway. Of course that had nothing to do with surprise and everything to do with that little spark of electricity between us.

'Babe.' He said, and his voice held something that made me think he'd felt it too. I smiled easily at him. 'Let me just grab my things.' I shoved my gun and my ID into my tote bag and off we went to the gun range a few floors below.

The session was frustrating; both my concentration and my aim were off.

Finally in a fit of pique I dug into my pocketbook and pulled out my miniature world of love. I stalked several hundred yards, dumped it on the target, marched back, took aim, and felt something in me relax as bits of plastic snow and gloopy slime went everywhere.

'Babe.' Ranger said. He walked to the other end and picked up the remains of my snow-globe.

He sauntered back and grinned as he read the base, ''World's Greatest Lover.' Can't dispute that Babe.'

'It's a fricking snow-globe!'

'True.' He agreed. 'No card?'

I gave into fate and pulled out the card.

'It's not too bad.' He observed, looking at the delicate heart.

'Read it.' I growled.

He opened it up and then barked a laugh. 'He doesn't know you've slept with me.'

I couldn't help it; I burst out laughing. It was true, Joe just didn't have doomsday-orgasm-giving-properties. Finally I calmed my laughter down to the occasional snicker and Ranger was looking pleased.

'Do you need more orgasms?' Ranger asked, 'Cos I could help out with that.'

I was having trouble breathing, 'um…I'm good - I have batteries.'

He smiled and kissed me lightly on my forehead, 'your choice.' He said softly. 'Come on Tiger, let's get back to the files.'

I resisted the urge to complain, it could be worse; Ranger could have said 'gym'.

Three hours later and my day was done. With no romantic dinner looming I decided to buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's Fossil Fuel and rent a comedy; sappy romantic chick flicks were liable to make you more depressed than happy.

I juggled my bags easily and opened my apartment door; and I froze. On my table was a beautiful arrangement of red tulips. I dropped the bags and went in carefully; as happy as I am to see flowers, I have a lot of psychos' and caution is sometimes warranted. I went room to room before finally coming back to my flowers. Feeling safer, I got up the courage to check the card.

Because you deserve better. R x

My heart was beating double time and my smile felt twice as wide as my face. It was only when I leaned forward to smell my flowers that I noticed an envelope propped up against the base of the vase.

I opened the silver envelope with trembling fingers. The card was striking and elegant; two swans swam on a lake and their necks were arched so that they formed a heart. Even if swans weren't my favourite bird it would have been beautiful. When I was growing up I often felt a certain affinity for the Ugly Duckling.

I opened up the card and smiled.

Babe,

Be my Valentine, for I
Each day have thought of you.
My whole life couldn't manage what
Your ready smile can do,
Vanquishing my loneliness
As though all light were new.
Let me be your Valentine
Even as you're mine,
Needing what I have to give
That each might each define
In friendship and in harmony,
Now you, now I the melody,
Each helping each to shine.

I didn't write it, but it's true.

R x

I put his card and his flowers on display on my coffee table, and I snuggled into my quilt in front of the TV, smiling when the flowers caught my eye. I laughed my way through my movie, not feeling the usual antagonism towards Valentines Day, after all, it's a day that celebrates love, how can you hate that?