Hmm... I don't think we have any direct Eclipse quotes in here this time. All of Eddie's mad rambling is mine and mine alone. The Twilight Saga and its characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Warning: there are minor lemons in the chapter (do people still use that term, or have I been reading old fics?) anyway, it's not as much of a lemon, it's more like a sip of lemon water.

Graduation was quickly approaching.

Victoria was still at large, so despite Carlisle's promise to change her after graduation, Bella would not be able to turn quite yet. It might be the only helpful thing Victoria did in her entire miserable existence. Otherwise, Bella would have offered her neck and soul to Carlisle the second she walked off that stage.

Even with all the threats looming over us, I still made the arrangements for Bella's graduation present. As ill-timed as it was, her first—hopefully only—high school graduation should be celebrated. There were several beautiful diamonds I inherited from my mother that I wished I could offer her as a present, but Bella would never accept such a gift from me. Fortunately, though trial-and-error I had discovered she would also accept experiences as gifts with minimal complaints, so I organized a mini adventure for her. At first, it was going to be just the two of us, but with Jacob currently wooing her, I had no idea how she would feel for me after graduation. A trip alone might be too romantic for where our relationship was headed. So, I invited my parents and my siblings so it would be passed off as a 'Family Day'. Bella would still enjoy herself, and the gift would be appropriate no matter where our relationship stood.

With graduation came high school finals. Bella and I shared most of our classes together and usually completed our schoolwork together. It didn't surprise me that Bella elected to replace me with Angela as her study partner. I imagine it had something to do with the one or two passing remarks from Alice and me that we could simply tell her the answers to every question on her tests. Although she had every intention to join the eternally damned after graduation, Bella's high morals stood strong, and she refused to take part in cheating of any sort.

It was a good thing, I told myself, standing in Bella's backyard while she and Angela studied at her kitchen table. She needed more human relationships in this new future with Jacob, and I needed the afternoons to look for any news on the newborns. I should have already been halfway to Seattle, searching for the suspicious vampiric activity I told Bella and my brothers I was going to look for that afternoon. However, my feet didn't have the same idea; they stayed rooted in place, where I could still see Bella from her kitchen window. I told myself it was because my real job in the situation was to keep Bella safe, and that's what I was doing by staying here, and it was nothing to do with the pain that sliced through my chest whenever I moved too far away.

On schedule, Jacob Black showed up to be Bella's supernatural supervisor for the evening. He had requested afternoons alone with Bella so he could set the final steps of his master plan in motion, so I agreed to let him watch over her house for me instead of Emmett or Alice. He could smell my presence nearby, even though I was supposed to be miles away, but paid me no mind. His attention was fully on Bella, providing snacks and laughter and study breaks.

As I watched, I knew I was making the right choice by giving Jacob the chance to win Bella's affections. I didn't even have to do anything to prove that he was the best choice for her. He wasn't even just the best choice for Bella, but for every other person she cared about. Angela had taken a liking to Jacob right away, and how she not? He brought sunshine with him wherever he went. If I had walked into that kitchen, the atmosphere would have remained dull and dreary. If I brought anything, it would be an uncomfortable layer of fear for poor Angela to suffer through.

It didn't end with Angela. When Charlie came home, a big bag of Chinese food in hand, he was ecstatic to see Jacob Black at the kitchen table instead of me. My eventual friendship with Bella would have to remain outside of her house. Charlie was much happier when I wasn't near him. And Charlie's happiness was Bella's happiness.

There was no lying, no manipulation, no heartbreaking. Just sitting back and letting Jacob Black steal the heart of the core of my existence.

But it wasn't like that!

Anyone who looked at the situation with an impartial, critical eye, could see that he was the better match for Bella. Bella was insightful and intelligent; it was only a matter of time before she saw it, too.

I caught the claws that threatened to tear through my heart at the thought.

Because this was good for Bella. Good for her soul. And good for me. What more could I ask for?

Bella's unwavering love for all of eternity?

No, I couldn't ask for that.

I spent the remainder of my evening pacing back and forth in the woods, trying to get my treacherous heart on the same page as my brain. It was being ridiculous. This wasn't the same as September. I was staying in Bella's life. I was watching her live her life as a human, just as I always wanted. In the arms of another man. But a man who let me stay with Bella when she needed me.

My stupid heart yearend for her as if I was in that lonesome attic in Brazil rather than in her own backyard. My entire body prickled like it could shatter to pieces from a wayward breeze. I tried to take each and every one of Bella's giggles from inside and apply them to my aching heart like a balm, but it wasn't enough.

Even though it felt like it would go on forever, the night eventually died out. Angela and Jacob returned home, and Charlie retired to the living room. After Bella showered and readied for bed, I climbed up her window. She welcomed me into her bed with opened arms. Immediately healed by her touch, I almost groaned in satisfaction. I reminded myself I would need to ween off her hugs, as they inevitably became fewer and shorter.

"It's awful out there, you must be freezing," she whispered, sitting up to pull her quilt up from the end of her bed and drape it over me, like it would have any effect on me at all.

"It's nothing I can't handle." I removed it from around my shoulders and wrapped it around her instead, where it could do its job properly. "How was your evening?"

"Fine," she sighed, "I missed you."

She must have been saying that purely for my benefit—from what I could tell through Jacob's mind she was all smiles all night. "You're sweet," I kissed her hair, "I'm sure you had a nice time with Angela without me."

"I did," she agreed. "I think I prefer studying with you more. I feel like sitting beside you makes me smarter."

I laughed at that. "Now you're past sweet and moving towards silly."

"It's true!" she propped herself up on her elbow, so she was looking down at me. "And I missed the way you twirl your fingers through my hair when you're thinking," she wound her own fingers into my hair as an example. "It helps me think now, and I couldn't concentrate properly without it. I didn't think Ben would have been too happy if I asked Angela to twirl my hair."

"Mmm," I practically purred at her touch. "I don't think he'd mind too much. I, however, would be incredibly jealous of those fingers of hers."

She dug her fingers into my hair even further and giggled.

"Jake came over too," she continued.

"That must have been nice."

She blinked twice at my casual acceptance of Jacob Black but decided to move on rather than bring any attention to it.

"It was at first, but Jake wasn't built for long-term studying. He couldn't sit still for longer than six seconds. If he wasn't pestering me and Angela to take a break, he was cracking little jokes about the material. Like, um, when I was studying history and got to the question what made Stalin a dictator, he said it's because he's a cross between a dick…"

"…and a potato." I finished with her, and we laughed. I heard the very same joke in my brother's mind every time he encountered the word.

"Emmett?" she laughed.

"Emmett," I echoed in agreement.

"I feel like Jake and Emmett would get along well," she thought aloud.

If Emmett had any interest in befriending a werewolf, they probably would.

"Video games, stupid jokes, making fun of you…" she listed, "they have a lot in common."

"Well, then, we have no choice but to force their friendship. We can keep them locked in the basement with a few video games, and it's bound to happen. You could even release them if you actually need a study break."

"Hmm… would you be with me in this scenario?" she asked.

"Someone needs to protect you from Emmett."

"Then I wouldn't need either of them," she declared, then flashed me an evil, little grin, "You offer the only study kind of study breaks I want."

She met my eyes, and I tried to instill them with a warning. Hers were warm and comforting. She slowly closed the gap between us for the lightest of kisses.

But it suddenly wasn't enough for me.

I deepened the kiss immediately, desperate and pleading.

Surprised, she responded only on instinct, minimal reaction and permission until her mind caught up. Then, she was right there with me, her hands in my hair and her mouth so open to me. I was speaking too quietly for her to hear, my desire for her now a dangerous thing. "You have no idea what you mean to me. No Idea."

I moved my lips to her neck, allowing her to breathe. She took the opportunity to remove her hands from my hair and lowered them down to my chest. Her hands were sure but careful as they continued down my body. I steeled myself for my reaction, and she acclimated me to her touch in stages, moving first to my hips and then my thighs. They closed in slowly until my need is so great that I feel certain it will shatter me.

Even through my clothes, the first slow brush against my length floored me.

"God, Bella." My hands dug into the pillow and my hips pushed forward, wanting more. She gasped, and I refocused immediately, knowing full well how one wrong move could cripple her. But there was no pain on her expression—only fascination as for the very first time she explored the shape of me.

Suddenly, it felt unbearably dirty to be with her like that, allowing her to touch that part of me. It seemed too low for her. I didn't want to debase her any further. In one, quick movement, I had her laying on with her back on the bed and her hands crossed over her chest. "I think you should get some sleep, now."

Cheeks now flushed in more embarrassment than desire, she nodded.

I laid back beside her, staring up at the ceiling, eyes wide, wondering what the hell just happened. I had no idea why I had allowed Bella to get that far. Perhaps I knew these were my final touches. A few last memories to savior when my body was the one for her hands to explore.

"Edward?" Bella whispered.

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

I swallowed. It was getting harder and harder to keep my answers honest; I often had to choose my words carefully. "Sometimes I just love you too much, is all," was the best I could come up with.

"I know," she hummed, turning towards me and folding herself into my side. I wrapped my arm around her so she could snuggle up even closer.

It was the first night Bella begged for me to stay while asleep in my arms.

oOo

"I'll be up north, forty minutes away. An hour, tops, depending on what I can find," I explained.

I felt Bella's head nod from where it was tucked under my chin.

I was about to go on a hunt—something I had put on the backburner despite my family's protests. Over the past two weeks, being apart had been getting increasingly difficult for Bella. It was becoming harder for me, as well, but that wasn't relevant. Since I often needed to leave her under Jacob's protection—whether to scout out an area near Seattle with my brothers or to just give Jacob time alone with her—she would panic. There were never any full-blown panic attacks, but she would tell me that her chest would ache, and she would find it difficult to breathe. Since she was willingly telling me about her discomfort, I knew it must have troubled her greatly. With the help of Carlisle, we came up with a few tricks to help her stay calm when we were apart.

She didn't understand where these feelings were coming from, but I did. Obviously, she was realizing how good Jacob was for her, and she was struggling with that realization. Her heart must be holding on to me while her brain was directing her on to the smarter path. Soon enough, she would be able to make her decision and her suffering would diminish. But until then, I needed to do everything I could to make this process easier on her. I would ignore my own pain and focus on healing hers.

"Cell service will be sparse. Wait for me to call you, don't try to call me," I continued. We both knew what happened the last time I didn't answer her calls.

"Okay," she agreed in a small voice.

"I'm setting an alarm in my phone for twelve-thirty," I showed her the phone and we both watched as I programmed in the alarm. "I'll call you then and tell you how long I'll be at that point."

"What if you're in the middle of hunting?"

"I'll stop."

"What If the noise of the alarm scares away your prey?"

"I'll find something else."

"It's stupid that we have to do this," she grumbled. One of Carlisle's suggestions was to give Bella a set time on when I would return, to give Bella something concrete to hold on to. If I couldn't give her one, I needed to give her a definite time when she could expect a phone call. Even with all of these precautions, and my promises, and Jacob's steady presence, she would still whimper and cry for me to stay with her in her sleep.

"Will it help you sleep?" I asked.

She leaned her head against my chest instead of answering the question.

I kissed her hair. "If it helps you even the teeniest bit, it's not stupid."

There was a light knock on the door, indicating Alice's arrival. She requested to babysit Bella that evening, complaining that the two of them haven't had enough girl time lately. Poking her head in first, Alice let herself in. Her thoughts were jumbled by lyrics to three separate Prince songs playing at once.

I frowned. Alice hiding her thoughts was usually a bad omen. "What will you two be doing tonight?" I asked, suspiciously.

Alice clasped her hands behind her back and gave them a few dainty swings, "Oh nothing. Just a little surprise for Bella to keep her distracted while you're away."

Those words usually meant Bella was going to be transformed into Guinea Pig Barbie over the next few hours. She tensed beside me.

Bella's reaction had Alice giggling. "Don't worry, Bella. It won't be like that. You will stay dressed in that flannel and your hair will stay in that bun all night long."

"Really?" Bella chirped.

"Really," Alice promised with a wink.

I turned to Bella for my relucent goodbye. I traced my thumb down the side of her face, "Be safe." As my thumb arrived at her chin, I tilted it up towards me, "Get some sleep." I placed a light kiss on her full lips, "I love you."

"I love you, too," she mumbled, too many emotions melted into those chocolate eyes.

Alice quickly checked my future and confirmed that my current destination would offer the best results. I thanked her under my breath, and we said our goodbyes as well.

Like it often did these days, running away from Bella was getting... difficult. It felt like I was running through wet cement. Each step became more and more labored as I went, threatening to dry and lock me here at any time.

I didn't understand why the fear of being trapped out here away from Bella felt so real.

I was going back.

Not only that, but I was getting everything I wanted. I got to stay beside Bella without taking anything away from her.

Frustrated, I began to move deeper into the woods. I sensed a male buck not far away, but I ignored it. I needed something that will be a worthy adversary in my current state of mind. Perhaps one of those grizzlies Emmett had such a penchant for. They were not normally my meal of choice, and no creature aside from a vampire had the strength to challenge my own, but at least its pure size and ferocity will sate the animal instinct in me that a meager buck could not control.

After twenty more minutes of prowling, I caught the scent of something enticing and took off after it. Before I caught up to the scent, a familiar shape from darker times stepped out of the trees. I skidded to a stop as it addressed me.

"Edward?"

I stared at the beautiful figment of my imagination. I hadn't seen my hallucinations of Bella since February when the only world I could stand to live in was the one I imagined.

"Are you leaving me?" she asked.

"No, my love," I frantically shook my head, "I'm making your life better for you. I promise."

Suddenly, Jacob Black stepped out of the woods behind her. His normally sunny disposition was twisted into a sneer. "Her life is better without you," he snarled, and whisked my Bella into the trees, exploding into his wolf form as he did.

"No!" I screamed, taking off after her.

As I chased him, the rest of the pack closed in around me. The next howl that broke the night, broke me as well. Not him, not him, I thought over and over. This wasn't a part of the plan. I was supposed to stay with her! I imagined chasing the wolves down, forcing their fur throats to my teeth, tasting their bitter blood on my tongue. Their strangled whimpers and screams brought a burst of foreign laughter out of me. No, they couldn't take my Bella.

The last one to die was Jacob. His scream was the most satisfying of all.

The sensations were so real that my stomach warmed, filled with imaginary blood. It was with a start that I opened my eyes.

The clearing around me was littered with small, grey wolves.

I could only stare in shock. My imagined attack hadn't been fictional—it wasn't the werewolves I'd killed, but their cousins. I'd also imagined killing him, Jacob, in his human form, and terror consumed me.

I sank to my knees, my hands in my hair.

What was happening to me?

I had never, ever once dreamed of taking a human life while feeding. It was true, I could only perceive Jacob Black as a threat. His scent alone riled me up as my natural enemy and the man about to replace myself in Bella's heart.

But I didn't want to kill him. He was the one who would ensure that I could stay with Bella as she lived her normal, human life. I wanted him to capture her heart. It was the best thing for Bella.

It must had been the hunger. I went without feeding for too long again, and it was causing the hallucinations that I had in the winter to come back.

Right?

Utterly and completely confused, I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands. When I reopened them, I sighed.

I'd been less than neat in my frenzy of need, which meant more time spent in clean-up than I would have liked. Dropping the final carcass into the shallow grave I'd dug out to hide the evidence of a thirst left too long unsatisfied, I wasted no time covering my tracks.

As if in cue, a trill sounded. The second I shut off the alarm, I clicked the speed dial button for Alice's phone that had been lent to Bella for the evening.

"Mmm?" she hummed into the phone. It sounded like she had been able to fall asleep.

"I'm sorry for waking you, my love," I crooned into the phone, "I'm finished. I'll be by your side in fifty-two minutes."

"Edward," she mumbled sleepily, and I wondered if she would even remember this conversation happened when she fully awoke in the morning.

I shook my head to get my thoughts back in place and ran back to Forks. The feelings of strength once again saturating my being was welcome, and it gave me more speed to make it home faster to Bella. Much to my dismay, when I climbed through Bella's window, she was whimpering in her sleep, despite Alice's cold embrace.

She was fine all evening. As proof, Alice showed me a little highlight reel of Bella all evening, happy and smiling. This started when she fell asleep.

That was comforting. Perhaps Bella was getting a little better.

She's happier when she's with one of us, Edward, Alice continued. Maybe you should stop leaving her with Angela and the wolf. If you have to leave, let me study with her. Let Emmett keep her company.

"Carlisle and Esme want Bella to have a life outside of the Cullen family," I reminded Alice, thankful for the excuse. "Bella needs to know that she has more in her life than just becoming a vampire."

But she doesn't want more, Edward. And I was bombarded with other memories and memories of visions of Bella asking to be turned, and the transformation itself. Alice's visions with Bella as a vampire were locked in place, for Bella had not made her decision to leave me yet.

Yet. The simple adverb pierced through my chest like a lance.

A loud sob from Bella's chest had Alice flinching away and me ducking closer. Alice carefully climbed out of Bella's bed so I could take her place.

Whatever you're worried about, stop it. You need to get a grip. It's having a negative effect on Bella, she warned.

"I'll work on it," I murmured. But Alice was gone before I finished the sentence.

"I'm here. I'm here," I chanted, pulling my shaking Bella into my arms.

The second she was conscious, her arms wrapped around my neck, "Oh, Edward."

"I'm right here."

"It was just a dream." It sounded like she wasn't too sure that this was real life. Her pale skin was almost ashen. The only color left was the curtain of mahogany hair that fell over her cheek.

"What was it about, my love?"

"Nothing," she whispered, letting that curtain of hair hide her face. I wanted to brush it away, the move was heartbreakingly reminiscent of our early days when my aura of violence in a biology classroom had caused her to hide from me.

"Please, love?" I begged, "Tell me. Tell me so I could make it better."

She blinked away a few tears, "I was having a normal day, running errands—the grocery store, Target, the bank. And you were right there beside me like you always are. We chatted and you would hold my things and open the door, just like normal. But every time I would reach for your hand or try to kiss you, I couldn't. You wouldn't move away or anything. It was like there this thin, glass barrier keeping us apart. But you didn't notice. You kept insisting everything was fine. But it wasn't. It was awful."

I was lucky she couldn't see my face in the dark. My Bella often had insightful dreams—she told me about her dreams when we had first met that alluded to my vampirism before she knew the truth. But the dream she had just described was practically prophetic.

"Edward? Everything is okay between us, right?"

"Of course."

"You seem a bit… off lately."

I sighed. My Bella. Always able to see right through my pretenses. But I couldn't quite blame her for that, could I? It was one of the many things that first drew her to me. "You know what having you at risk does to me. Victoria, the newborns, the intruder. It's difficult to bear."

"I know. It worries me, sometimes. How often you think I need a savior when it's just Edward that I need."

I hugged her closer to me. She truly had no idea how much there was out there in the world she needed saving from. Including myself.

"Edward?" she said again after a few moments of silence.

"Would you like me to sing you back to sleep?"

"Maybe in a bit..." she murmured.

"I'll be here when you're ready."

"Will you tell me something nice instead?" she asked.

"What would you like to hear?"

"What will it be like?" Bella whispered into the darkness, "The night you turn me?"

It wasn't like I hadn't thought about it before. During the time apart from her, I imagined hundreds of futures for the two of us as I wallowed in muck or sea or sand. Fantasies of what our life could have been if things were different if she hadn't been hunted by James or almost killed by my own hand or my brother's. Perfect, little worlds where I had no qualm turning her, and there was no chance she would ever resent me in her cheated afterlife.

It didn't matter which one I told her now, none of them would ever come to pass. With Jacob's plan fully in motion, Bella would choose a better life for herself. These fantasies of mine would stay safely in my head where they wouldn't be able to destroy her.

I decided to tell her my favorite.

"Well," I started, "We would start by telling our friends and families that we cannot stand another minute untied to each other, and that we were leaving to elope. It would give you an excuse for loving goodbyes with both your parents, as you were leaving a Swan and coming back as a Cullen."

"So, they would know I chose a life with you," she stated, almost reverently.

"I would take you far into the Northern wilderness, to a place more wondrous than you could even imagine. In the snow, you would tease me about not liking cold, white things, and I wouldn't mention that my choice in location was one, final test to make sure that you really wanted me."

She laughed, unsurprised by my need to ensure that she still wanted me at our wedding.

"You would be bundled up in white furs and coats, and nothing would be more beautiful. And by the subtle light of the auroras, we would whisper our vows to one another and we would be wed." I kissed her gently on the lips, just as I would at our wedding.

"Our ceremony would be quick because I would need to get you out of the cold. I would whisk you away to our mountain lodge. After practicing several times with Esme beforehand, I would prepare your favorite meal: spaghetti and meatballs. You would eat it in front of a roaring fire while I rubbed your feet," Bella was curled up into a ball in my chest, so I could easily reach down and give one of her feet a tickle. She giggled and kicked to shoo my hand away.

"When you were finished, I could carry you up to the master bedroom, and lay you on the bed," I propped myself up on my elbow and gently turned her, so she was laying on her back. "You would look up at the stars through the skylight above you and mention how beautiful they were. And I would lay beside you, and say something along the lines of, 'not as beautiful as you are, my love,'"

She snorted at that, and I was pleased to know I got that detail correct.

"I would look down at your face as you gazed up at the sky, lost in your perfection. Then, you would reach up, use your fingers to push my lips into a smile, and tell me you were ready." With the same, playful grin I imagined, she did just as I described with her thumb and pinky finger.

"I would kiss you here," I kissed her deeply on the lips. "Here," I kissed the hollow of her throat. "Here," I kissed her collarbone. "And then, with your verbal consent, I would bite you here," I kissed right above her heart. "And you would begin the process of joining me into this life."

I heard her breath hitch and felt her face nuzzle into my chest.

"Down here, the heartbreaking news would be delivered to your father: there was an accident on the slick roads of the northern mountains and you will not be returning home." I heard the small gasp escape from Bella's parted lips. "Because I refuse to live without you, even in a lie, I would die as well. My parents would morn alongside of yours and help them in whatever means possible."

"But they would know I died happy and loved," she whispered.

"And you will," I promised. Only not in the way she thought, but happy and loved in her old age after living a full life as a human.

Which, I reminded myself, was best for her.

I know Edward is being a little annoying right now. This level of stupidity is annoying to write, let alone read. However, it's really important to me for Edward to learn a few things before he and Bella continue in their relationship. And as we all know, Edward only learns things the hard way. So here we are.