It was Zoro's habit not to wake up all at once. He liked to get bearings on his surroundings first before he opened his eyes, in that delicate haze before full wakefulness where everything was so distant, yet so crystal clear. There was something like a mental checklist, a way to evaluate his surroundings and decide whether to yawn and go back to sleep, or to duck, roll, and come up swinging. The first item on that list was always to check for the reassuring weight of his katana.

It wasn't there.

He jerked upright, instantly prepared to tackle, maim, and/or shred, with his bare hands, whoever was responsible for this grievously wrong state of affairs. Dimly he was aware of the other minor details he would usually take note of—massive headache, the familiar rocking motion of the Going Merry, the cry of seagulls as they tried to escape his captain's stretchable mouth, someone screaming in his ear…

Ignoring all of these as unimportant, Zoro's vision tunneled in on three familiar shapes suspended in the air before him like a vision, some floating symbolic representation of his greatest dream. When he realized that they were attached to the source of the screaming, he decided that he'd at least hear it out before he murdered the thief. Zoro made an attempt to focus.

"I'm sorry… don't kill me… so sorry…" he could barely make out. The voice sounded a little off, but the breathless panic he definitely recognized.

"Usopp," he identified in a growl. "Why are you touching my katana?"

Usopp stopped momentarily, as if to adjust track, but resumed with barely a pause. "Sorry… please I… accident…"

With an impatient sigh, Zoro grabbed for the katana. The smarter part of his brain, the one that spoke with a voice like Kuina's, began to snigger.

With a meticulousness he seldom showed elsewhere, he unsheathed each sword in turn and carefully checked for tampering or any sign of general wear. Though they looked fine from hilt to shining blade, they somehow felt different in his hands, meeting his palm in the wrong places, rougher and heavier than he was used to. Or was that—

"Why are my arms so—?" Zoro began. He looked at Usopp, really looked, for the first time. Usopp's nervous mantra picked up in pace and pitch, and the snigger developed into an all-out guffaw.

"You have got to be kidding me." Zoro climbed out of the hammock, stumbling slightly on unfamiliar legs, and looked down at himself. He inspected the tip of his nose, and found that he didn't even need to cross his eyes to do so. When he looked up, it was like looking into a mirror—except he knew that he couldn't have been making that stricken expression, because he was too busy scowling. "You have two minutes," he told himself. "Explain."

"Well… that is…" Usopp began. Zoro watched his own mouth open and close with fascination that was quickly dawning into horror: he was pretty sure it had never moved that quickly. Ever. And did his earrings really sway so much when he talked? "The Great Captain Usopp-sama has magnanimously gifted you with the opportunity to spend time in his body—uh, as his body. That is, uh, as him… as me. Yes, I understand that you will be overwhelmed with gratitude, but I do not require any thanks for it is in my nature to Ihavetogonowveryimportantbye!"

Zoro caught Usopp by the arm, undeterred by how much harder it now was to wrap his hand around it entirely. "I can barely walk in this body. I'm not going to kill you just yet. Now, try again. What happened."

"You really don't remember?" Usopp looked honestly surprised.

"Remember what?"

"The… the pineapple lady."

"You're the world's second greatest swordsman?" Zoro sneered. "How can you be proud of a title like that? Sorry, but I have no interest in second best. Besides, why do you have spikes coming out of your head?"

"They're not spikes!" She drew away locks of bleached hair from the messy nest piled on top of her head; the spikes were actually leaves growing out of a rather ripe pineapple. Presumably she felt this made more sense than mere spikes. "I usually only show this to my victims after they're sprawled on the ground, helpless and defeated before my blade. But in your case, think of it as advance—Wait! Where are you going?"

Zoro groaned and rubbed his eyes, accidentally brushing against his new, longer nose, which gave a twang. "Pineapple, yeah. Got it. So what happened? I thought we left?"

"Er… no. You… fought." Usopp considered. "You were doing very well, as per my instructions! And then there was the…"

"The stupid dart!" Zoro recalled suddenly.

"The apple guy, yeah," said Usopp, with less enthusiasm.

"Let's go, Usopp, this is a waste of time. If we don't get everything back to the ship, the harpy'll charge us."

"Don't you think you're underestimating the world's second best?" came the voice from behind him.

Zoro was calm. He felt his body loosen in preparation for the fight; tension would only be a barrier to action, an impediment to the flow of his movements. Instead, he relaxed completely, trusting in his senses and his reflexes. His blood fairly hummed with the prospect of battle, and he counted off charged seconds by the beat of his heart. Three… two… one…

He parried the blow with the laziest of swings, eyes still closed. "It's shameful for a swordsman to attack an opponent's back," he commented as she retreated.

Then he saw her sword for the first time, caught a glance and was forced to turn around for the all-out stare. All arrogance vanished from his face, as he was momentarily struck dumb. "D-did you do that yourself?" he said, stammering involuntarily.

"What?"

"The… pineapples. On your…" he couldn't finish. He also couldn't laugh in the middle of a fight; that would have been too insulting. Instead he charged, intending to get this over with as soon as possible, no longer even excited now that he'd dismissed her as any potential challenge. His katana described a wide, obvious arc that he fully expected her to block.

Instead, she did the unexpected: she screamed for help.

Zoro froze, blade inches from her head. "Are you seriously—" he began. There was a sudden sharp pain in his leg, and then numbness.

"Good job!" the pineapple lady cheered, flashing a thumbs-up to someone behind Zoro, who was suddenly aware that their fighting arena was ringed with spectators. Or not spectators, he realized, when they all as one lifted up their hair, to reveal the various fruits affixed to their heads.

"Is this some sort of cult?" Zoro gasped, as he sank to the ground. "And why is this thing so huge?"

"It's a tranquilizer normally used to subdue Sea Kings," the pineapple lady informed proudly, putting her sword to his neck. "And now that I have bested Roronoa Zoro, the once-famed pirate hunter of East Blue—Hey, are you snoring?"

"That cheating vegetable!" Zoro snarled.

"Actually, pineapples are fruits," Usopp supplied helpfully.

"Luffy better have beaten her up for that stupid trick. Well, he must have, since I'm alive and all."

"Actually, I—" Usopp hesitated, which was very unlike him.

"You what?"

"Well, Luffy wasn't there, remember? It was just—"

"You. It was just you. Right. So how did we get out of that mess?"

"Need you even ask?" Usopp drew himself up, and Zoro could only think how bizarre it was to see that expression of forced smugness on his own face. "The Great Captain Usopp knew it was up to him and him alone to avenge his fallen comrade. Together with his 8000 followers, he boldly stood down the fearsome pineapple lady who had slain Roronoa Zoro, the once-famed pirate hunter of East Blue."

"Not slain," Zoro corrected, to no effect. "And stop using her phrasing."

"Our assault on the forces of evil was not without peril, but we fought through hail and lightning, all for the sake of nakama! Upon recognizing the superiority of our skills, the fruit lady and her countless followers quickly turned and fled."

Zoro extracted the more reasonable portions of Usopp's story and tried to piece them together with what few fragments of memory remained to him. "So… it started raining, and the cult ran away?"

Zoro watched himself deflate. "They did say something about not wanting to get their coiffures wet."

"Right."

"But my Tabasco Star was responsible for getting pineapple lady's sword away from your throat! Without Captain Usopp's bravery, you would have been dead for sure!"

Zoro grunted. He considered trying to speed up Captain Usopp's narrative with a bit of metallic suggestion, but he wasn't even sure he could even move without falling over.

"You know, Zoro, I really would have saved you if that rain hadn't come," Usopp said, voice suddenly quiet and earnest, as though it were really important that he say this. Then he broke the moment by adding, "You may not know this, but the Great Captain Usopp once defeated fifty fruit-bearing swordsmen in ten minutes! No, five! And afterwards I ate the fruit, too!"

"Just get on with it," Zoro sighed.

"Get on with it?"

"Why do I look like you now?"

"Oh. That." Usopp laughed nervously, which just sounded weird in Zoro's voice. "Well, it was raining, and then there was this uh. Witch."

"A witch."

"She was really nice though!"

Captain Usopp picked Zoro up with ease. That was nothing! When Usopp was only three years old, he saved a town from a volcanic eruption by holding a 500-ton umbrella over the city until the lava stopped flowing. I can see you are too impressed for words. Very well then, I won't tell you about the time I helped hatch the egg of a giant griffin eight times the size of the Going Merry!

Of course, I say, "helped," but actually I was responsible for ugh. Right. So, easily carrying Zoro's weight, Captain Usopp marched proudly through the city streets. The rain pounded down fiercely, but Usopp refused to yield so long as his nakama was in need. Just then, Zoro gave a terrible, wracking cough. Captain Usopp, in all his wisdom, realized that he needed to get his injured friend out of the cold, at any cost!

With his hawk-like eyes, Usopp spotted the lighted windows of a small house shining through the storm. He carried Zoro effortlessly to the front door and knocked.

"Excuse me, fair lady," he said to the woman who answered, for he was a noble man of great chivalry, and could overlook a few moles and wrinkles. "I was wondering if you could provide my friend and myself with shelter through this storm."

Taken in as she was by Usopp's confident yet polite demeanor, she opened the door wider to allow the two travelers entrance. She helped them to dry themselves by the fire, and fetched them herbal tea so potent it seemed to drive away every trace of the cold. Perceiving that she was no ordinary woman, Usopp decided to call upon her extraordinary powers to help them in their dilemma.

He explained that a woman with a pineapple on her head would probably be coming for Zoro as soon as the weather let up, and that his friend was far too simple—that is, honorable—to combat her deceitful ways. He feared that Zoro would lose his life in his next encounter with the pineapple woman, as he would have done in the recent battle but for the intervention of Captain Usopp.

"Alas, the Great Captain cannot always be there to protect him. If we do not quickly vanquish this foe…" he trailed off, leaving the dreadful possibilities unsaid as he looked on his unconscious companion with great pity.

"Is that all?" the witch laughed. "The solution is simple, Captain Usopp, and because I have seen your loyalty and strength, I will help you find what you seek."

"And then?" Zoro prompted, having given up protesting Usopp's embellishments.

"Er… then nothing," said Usopp. "Then all of a sudden I was in your body. And you were in mine."

Zoro looked around. "So how did we get back here? And it's not raining anymore."

"Well, I carried you. It got a lot easier when I was you and you were me. Even though it was still pretty easy before. Did I ever tell you about the mountain lion—"

"The boat is moving."

"Yes, boats do tend to move—"

"Why would they set sail when we obviously need to go back to that witch and have her fix all this?"

"Er." Usopp fiddled nervously with the hem of Zoro's shirt. "Iforgottotellthem."

"You what?"

"I didn't tell them what happened. Any of it."

Zoro sat down. He looked up at the ceiling, then down at the ground. He inspected his hands carefully, poking at calluses and the softness where calluses weren't. With some difficulty, he removed the goggles and bandana from his head; dark black curls sprang out in all directions,suddenly freed from their confines. He plucked at one, pulling it out and testing its spring. It sprang.

"That's why I always wear the bandana," said Usopp. "Maybe you should put it back on…"

"Maybe I'll have it cut," Zoro mused. He tied the unfamiliar tan bandana around his bicep, and handed Usopp the goggles. He poked at his long nose, bending it this way and that.

"You can't cut it!" Usopp protested, though he took the goggles.

"Look, I'm not happy about this either," Zoro said, leveling a glare at his former body. "A swordsman knows his body perfectly. Now I'm stuck with this one that's the wrong shape, the wrong weight. I don't know my limitations, I can't rely on my own reflexes, and I definitely don't have the right muscles to hold a sword. I'm going to have to start at the beginning again to become the best." He unsheathed his white sword and stuck the hilt into his mouth. He held it there reflectively for a few moments, then took it back out with a grimace.

"Well, I'm sorry that you have to be in my weak, unmuscular body," Usopp muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's not like I got that great a deal either. I may be stupidly strong now, I may be able to bleed oceans and still get up again after a nap, but I… I'm scarred! I took good care of that body, and now you're just going to get it scarred up like your last one! Sorry if you think it's weak, but that body meant something to me and, and…"

"I'm not saying you're weak," Zoro sighed. "So stop making such pathetic expressions with my face. What used to be my face." He shook his head roughly, and was startled by the feel of hair bouncing on his cheeks. "Never mind. There's not much we can do about it, so we'd better adjust quickly, before we're needed in a fight. I'm not saying this is a weak body or anything. You're actually pretty strong, Usopp. It's just that I have to relearn everything. I'm going training."

For a moment, Usopp was caught up in relief and pride. You're actually pretty strong. The words played again and again in his head. "Yeah, I am pretty strong, aren't I? Strong, brave Captain Usopp, that's me—Hey! Hold on, you can't go training! You'll kill me! Zoro, wait!"

Usopp ran after Zoro, stumbling awkwardly on the stairs. Everything seemed disproportioned, and he nearly ran into Sanji as he emerged on the deck.

"Watch it, marimo," the cook growled around his cigarette.

"Zoro, wait!" Usopp called again, earning himself Sanji's bewilderment as he headed for Zoro's usual training spot. He rushed towards the steps, and couldn't help but freeze a moment when he caught sight of the back of his own head, hair flying everywhere.

"Yes?" Zoro turned.

"You can't," Usopp hurried up to him. "I'll die trying to lift one of those weights of yours!"

"It's none of your business," Zoro said calmly, and continued walking. "This isn't your body anymore."

"But I still want to make sure it's in good hands! You wouldn't just give your puppy over to some shady restaurant or to a woman wearing dog furs! You'd want to make sure it went to a good home, where it'll be loved and pampered and not broken by ridiculous training weights a hundred times the size of its little doggy head!"

"I'm not going to use the weights just yet. I'll just do some push-ups to start."

"Oh. Okay then." Usopp nodded in relief. "I guess push-ups are okay to start with. I can only do about thirty." He glanced at Zoro's determined expression. "Maybe forty-five is okay."

"I was thinking more like three hundred."

"Three hundred?! There's no way I can do three hundred push-ups!"

Zoro glanced at him, and it was hard to tell if Zoro was amused or annoyed. "Why don't you give it a try? See how many push-ups you can do now."

"Just what is going on here?" Nami broke into the conversation, marching up with a glass of something pink and frothy in one hand. "Sanji-kun said you were acting strangely."

Usopp took one look at her and did what came naturally, which was to begin talking very very quickly. Unfortunately, as he had learned earlier, Zoro's mouth was not used to handling such speeds. Somewhere between the master storyteller and the clumsy tongue, the words got jumbled up and confused, coming out in a bizarre sort of mumble, "Well there was this mishap with a witch and we sort of traded only we're trying to fix it as long as he doesn't kill my body so there's still something left to fix—"

"We're trading names," Zoro cut in, jerking a thumb at Usopp. "From now on I'm Zoro. He's Usopp. That's all."

Nami looked less concerned now, more annoyed. "Usopp," she began.

"Zoro," Zoro corrected, going down in another push-up. Usopp realized that Zoro was using only one arm, and rushed over to steady himself before his heart gave out. Zoro swatted him away in annoyance. "I can handle this, Usopp. Your hair is really annoying though."

"That's why I told you to keep the bandana on!" Usopp snapped. "If you don't like it, I'll put yours on. Hold still." He fumbled one-handedly with the fabric knotted around his own arm, managing to free it after a few tries. He wrapped this around Zoro's head, smoothing the locks out of Zoro's face, tucking the problem strands behind Zoro's ears. It was weird tying his hair back while looking down at it, but he knew from experience just how to keep it out of his way.

"Mm. Thanks," Zoro grunted, barely waiting for Usopp to finish before going down again.

"And take it easy on my body, will you?" Usopp looked around furtively, but fortunately Nami had left, annoyed at being ignored. "If there's a way to switch back, I don't want to find it after you tear all my muscles."

"There's no way back," said Zoro flatly. "If I keep thinking I might get my old body back at any moment, I won't be able to focus on improving this one. Now, go take a nap. You're tired."

Usopp automatically followed Zoro's gesture, then stopped. "Huh? I'm not tired."

"You're tired. I may be here now, but," Zoro gave a rueful grin, "I'll always know that body perfectly. Just sit there, out of the sun, and close your eyes. You'll be asleep in seconds."

Usopp didn't believe that. He didn't take naps. There was so much to do and see and create that there just wasn't the time for sleep. He hadn't taken a nap since he was tiny and his forehead fit perfectly in that space under his mother's chin. He opened his mouth to say this, but all that came out was a yawn. "Don't be ridiculous," he muttered, as his eyelids drifted shut and his body settled itself contentedly onto the cool floorboards. "You're the only one lazy enough to take naps all day."

"I'll wake you when the sun shifts," Zoro said, continuing his push-ups on the other hand. "You have to keep following the shade or you won't sleep right." Fuzzily, Usopp watched someone who looked very much like himself swing up and down, up and down, droplets of sweat gathering into trails until they ran down like water.

You should get out of the sun too, Usopp said, or thought he said, as he fought to keep his eyes from shutting completely. You're sweating too much. Come take a break here, where it's cool. I'll tell you the story about how I avoided sunstroke in the great deserts of the North. There was this camel…