Chapter 10
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A/n: Surprise, not dead.
Also, happy fourth of July.
"I see you're finally awake."
I blinked away the remnants of impossible dreams from my mind's eye. Part of me wanted to just fall back into that blissful embrace of the dreaming world. The sights I'd seen singing a sweet siren's song. Yet, the cold hard truth of reality refused to be denied.
The light from the windows stabbed at my eyes even as I rubbed the exhaustion from them. A pang of hunger rumbled around in my stomach. A faint headache rang in the back of my mind. A lingering soreness rang through my bones.
And then the memories of what had happened in the forest.
The taste of blood filling my mouth, the jagged echoes of pain, the burn of humiliation and failure, and an impossible shadow lurking beneath the surface of all of it. The memories were blurred, tangled into a knot of shame and agony, all of it screaming for attention. I tried to bury it deeper, to forget it all.
"Ugh," I groaned out a feeble answer, too drained to do much else. All I wanted to do was lose myself in the Void once more.
"Louise."
The cold and unnaturally hollow voice of Lord Felwinter pulled me from my dark reverie. I shook the memory from my mind and pulled myself into the present. Checking over myself, I still felt a dull ache all across my body, but the red hot spikes of pain were gone. I could move my arm without issue, my chest no longer burned and shuddered, and the blood was gone from my mouth. The echoes of it all remained in my mind, but someone had healed me while I was out.
Looking around, I found myself in the padded interior of one of the more upscale wagons I'd seen. Given the various goods I saw on the far end of the cabin, I figured I was in the wagon of a merchant or noble on the wealthier side of things. From the way it was shaking and rocking, we were probably on the move too.
Looking up, I saw the black visage of my master's helm gazing down at me. By his side, Siesta looked down with far more naked concern.
"You do not look well," he intoned in that cold and toneless voice.
"Are you okay?" Siesta said, far more openly. "Whatever you did back there in the forest...it looked like it was.." She bit her lip, unsure how to phrase it. "...a lot."
"I'm..." Then it all came rushing back to me. What I'd done, what she'd done to me. The cold comfort of failure reminds me of my place in the world.
"-fine." I managed through gritted teeth.
Siesta looked unconvinced by the obvious lie. Lord Felwinter looked unmoved.
"You're a menace," he replied flatly.
I blinked. "What?"
"Chaos incarnate. A walking testament to Murphy's Law." Felwinter continued to chide me as he slowly shook his head.
My face flushed with defensive fury, even as I felt a spike of dread plunge through my core. "W-what's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that I left you alone with a stick for a day, and you nearly burn down a forest." A static-filled sigh burst from his helm as he gave it one last shake.
I stopped, my rage disappeared, and my stomach dropped. My gut began to twist itself into knots, the heat of shame burned just under my skin. I tried to crawl my way out of the hole, but I could just feel my soul falling into that oh-so-familiar pit.
I've really ruined everything again, haven't I? I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to push past the stinging feeling in my eyes. No! I remind myself. I can't give up now! Not after all this! I...I can still fix this!
"I...I…" I stumbled, mind whirling as I frantically tried to come up with anything I could do to keep myself out of the bottomless pit. In a desperate bid, I got to my knees, all but groveling before the Lord. Mother would never approve, but neither could I live with the shame of total failure here. "I apologize for...for…"
Where even to begin? What can I do to convince him I'm still worth something?
"Relax." Lord Felwinter cut me off with a surprisingly gentle hand on my head.
I jerked and looked up at him with watery eyes. "Huh?"
"I've long since gotten used to the antics promising students will get up to. I certainly didn't pick you because I thought you'd be an obedient sheep," he explained. "But this is hardly the first ruined forest a student of mine has caused…"
I sniffled, hardly believing my ears. "Really?"
"I believe there should still be a large smoldering crater at the foot of my mountain that Osiris will deny any involvement in."
"Oh…" I let out a brief giggle of relief. "So...it's okay."
Quick as a whip, he thwacked me on my head. I flinched and yelped in pain, clenching my head and trying to ignore the stars flickering in my vision. I looked up at Lord Felwinter in bewilderment. "Wha-?"
"No," he growled out, "that was a feat of mind-boggling stupidity. I give you an axe capable of warping the very fabric of reality itself, and you use it to show off to your friend and come close bringing forth true chaos unto this realm."
I frowned, shame and hate burning in me once more, and muttered a half-hearted protest, "...she wasn't my friend."
How pathetic can you get? I told myself, sulking further. Where's your steel, Louise? What would mother think?
Lord Felwinter leaned back on the bench, letting his back hit the wall of the wagon. He crossed his arms and looked down at me with what I imagined was a steely gaze through his dark helm.
"Hmm...Nevertheless, what happened down there was extremely dangerous. Fortunately, no one seems to have suffered anything permanent," he explained. "However, without knowing more, I cannot say for sure that something worse might not occur later. Paracasality is a strange and dangerous force, and in such a volatile event it can be unpredictable."
"As such, Louise, I need to know. What exactly happened down there?"
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I was furious.
I knew better, I really did. There was no reason for me to be out here doing this. I had nothing to gain and everything to lose by doing this.
This had better be worth it, Kirche, I grumbled internally, cursing my own foolishness, but cursing the hag who'd convinced me more.
I knew I should just be walking away. I had something to look forward to now, there was no reason for me to try and prove myself. By tonight I'd be heading out with Lord Felwinter and that maid of his, leaving this academy in the dust.
Along with all my failures.
I shook the thought from my head, instead trying to focus on the positives.
Which...aren't much.
So why was I doing this? Why was I lugging Lord Felwinter's prized axe out into the middle of the forest just to show off to my own personal tormentor? It's not like I owed her anything, and they always said that the best revenge was to live well. I knew that Kirche was the type to feed off attention, and doing this was just playing into her hands. The best way to tweak her nose would be to leave without another word and conveniently forget about her. I'd certainly be happy to be rid of her as soon as possible.
...And yet…
(And yet you want this.)
And yet… here I am. Entertaining this farce. I almost snorted. I'm hating every minute of it, but I'm still here regardless. What does that say about me?
(You need this, Oh Bearer Mine.)
As I wandered around the forest looking for Kirche, my thoughts spiraled ever downward into increasingly more and more causative attacks against the Germanian for dragging me into this half-assed stunt, and me for being stupid enough to fall for it.
That cow better not be wasting my time with all this pointless walking. I grumbled. In fact, maybe I should just chuck a 'fireball' at her face for good measure? Or an explosion, or whatever these damn failed spells are.
Finally, after what felt like an hour of walking, I heard the tell-tale slow clap of the resident drama queen trying to make an entrance.
By Brimr's spiteful word, she better not have been doing this all on purpose.
"Well, well, well," said the bronze-skinned girl as she strutted out from behind a tree. "It seems my guest has finally arrived. Took your time, did you?"
Oh, who am I kidding? I almost snarled. Of course she is. Laughing her barbaric rear off her rocker because of how much she was wasting my Founder damned time!
"Zerbst…" I hissed, leveling a glare at her arrogant form. "You could have told me where in Brimr's name you wanted to do this. I spent forever just wandering through these trees trying to find you."
"Oh? Why, I thought I kept an eye out for you." She tapped her lip thoughtfully and eventually shrugged it off. "Oh well, I guess I missed you. It's so hard to spot little old you through all the bushes, after all."
Oh, and she's decided to throw in cheap jokes to top things off! Should have known better than to trust the damned vixen.
"I'm not in the mood for your little games and cheap insults, Zerbst." I growled, hefting Felwinter's axe up and planting the butt in the ground with a definitive thud.
"Well, they can't all be winners, I suppose." She brushed off the comment. "But you'd know a little about that, wouldn't you."
Is this why she brought me out here? To mock me with pathetic jokes?! I thought, my mind turning darker with every cheap shot she slung at me. But what else should I have expected from the likes of her cruel heart?
"I have things to do and places to be, Zerbst," I pointed out, crossing my hands over the top of the axe. "So hurry this up, or I'm leaving."
(Patience, your moment will come.)
"Oh? You'd really leave with our business unfinished?" The way she made the question sound so innocent only made my blood boil all the hotter.
Business? Is that what she calls this?!
"Our 'business', as you call it, is you constantly belittling me and wasting my time." I hissed through grit teeth. "The sooner I can leave you and this...personal slice of hell...behind, the happier I'll be."
There was a flash of something in her eyes, a twitch, a crease of the lip. Then, fast as it had come, it was gone.
(And is the taste of your enemies fear not the sweetest Nectar?)
Did I imagine that? I frowned. Does...does she not want me to leave? Is she trying to keep me here?!
The thought made my rage bubble up all the faster. Of course she wouldn't want her precious little toy to leave the academy, not after all the "fun" we'd had together.
What I'd give to wipe the smirk off her face.
(You'll get your chance, Oh Bearer Mine, you need only bide your time.)
"Why, Zero, I didn't know you felt that way." She smiled at me, though something wasn't quite right about it. "And here I'd been hoping to give us both a satisfying-"
"Enough of these petulant games, Zerbst!" I cut her off with an impatient shout. "Why are you keeping me here?"
She recoiled as if I'd actually struck her. "Keeping you? Zero, I-"
That's it!
"Zero this, Zero that!" I threw up my hands in a rage, finally done with her. "I know you get off on ridiculing me, but some of us are trying to move on with our lives!"
"You're...trying to move on?"
"Yes!" I roared. "I'm sick of everything about this damned school! I-"
I cut myself off with a snarl, taking a moment to breathe and cool down from my tirade. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, trying to rein in my rage before it consumed me. I couldn't afford to lose control here.
Rule of Steel, Louise. Just remember what Mother would do. Yet, even in my own mind, the idea seemed hollow.
Surely, mother would have never been this pathetic.
(Your moment to shine is fast approaching.)
"I propose a duel."
My eyes snapped open. Kirche stood there, looking just as cocky and provocative as always, but there was something off about it. Something that set my teeth on edge.
I don't like this.
"What?" I spoke through grit teeth.
She can't be that stupid.
(She wants this to happen as much as you do, don't deny your desires.)
"A duel." She spread her hands out to me as though she'd just offered me the finest deal in the world. "Nothing fancy, just a friendly duel between rivals."
Apparently, she can.
"A friendly duel?" I looked her over for any signs that might explain the newfound well of insanity. "Have you perhaps forgotten that Noble duels are forbidden at the academy?"
"Oh, I should have expected something so innocent and naive from you, Zero." She grinned, wiggling her eyebrows at me in a fashion I did not appreciate. "Don't you know? What happens in the forest, stays in the forest."
I leveled a flat glare at her. Oh, I am done with her tripe little act.
(Give in, Oh Bearer Mine.)
"And I should have expected that your head would be just as empty as your saggy udders." I was too incensed to grin when she actually squawked. "Duels are forbidden for a reason, Zerbst. Something about not wanting the next generation of nobility maiming themselves left and right with barely understood spells."
I cocked a hand on my hip. "I'm sure you can understand that sentiment, Zerbst."
"Ah, well..." She let out a strained chuckle and seemed to force down an embarrassed blush. Unfortunately, she quickly regained her composure. "Don't worry Zero, I'll be gentle."
Has she gone completely insane?
I narrowed my eyes at her. "I don't think you understand. Void Magic isn't a toy-"
"Neither is fire magic, and you don't hear me complaining." She cut me off, jabbing her wand at me in accusation. "No use throwing around lame excuses, Zero."
She's not even listening to me! She's even seen Lord Felwinter use the void to disintegrate things! Why on earth would she want to fight that?!
"E-excuses?!" I sputtered. "Zerbest, this is no joke! If I hit you with the right spell, I could kill you!"
"Mhm, sure you could." She flashed a damnable grin. "And I'm sure that axe isn't compensating for anything either, little Louise."
She doesn't believe me! I realized. Of course she doesn't believe me! She's never listened to me, never even tried to understand me! All she wants to do is drag me down, and damn any good I do!
(She's listening to her Desires.)
What I wouldn't give to teach her the error of her ways.
"I'm trying to keep things from getting out of hand, Zerbst," I growled through grit teeth, barely keeping my composure.
(To immerse yourself in your greatest Desires is the sweetest ecstasy)
I can't even begin to count the number of ways a duel could go wrong. Especially with Void Magic thrown into things. After all, what would mother think?
(So why resist?)
"Hmm, I suppose I can see why you'd be scared to duel me." She shrugged. "I mean, given the vaunted pedigree of your family line, you're quite the disappointment."
I froze.
"Don't." I warned her.
"Don't what?" She cocked her head innocently. "I'm just pointing out the obvious, Louise. The Vallieres had been quite renowned for their magical prowess. The Duchess is even considered the pinnacle of martial nobility. It'd be quite a shame for you to ruin the family's exquisite record with your feeble attempts to fight me."
"I said, don't," I growled.
"Such a shame really." Kirche shook her head, even as the edges of my vision turned red. "Though I suppose it's no surprise. Clearly, they married you off and kicked you to the academy despite how unsuitable you were for a reason. They couldn't bear the sight of you, could they?"
"Do not bring them into this!"
"The Zero of the family. Hah!"
(More.)
"Shut up!"
(All you need do to make it reality, Oh Bearer Mine-)
"Why," The devil's smirk split her face, "if I was your mother, I'd probably be ashamed to have ever given birth to a daughter like you too."
(-is make a Wish)
BOOM
Unfortunately, Kirche rolled out of the way of the explosion that ripped its way into existence where her head once stood. I could faintly hear Kirche laughing and no doubt spouting some inane joke at my expense about how I was a Zero in some way or another. It was hard to understand anything she was saying at this point of the roar of incandescent rage burning in my soul.
"SHUT! UP!" I roared, slinging another explosion at her.
My heart thundered in my ears, face hot with fury, Void howling at my fingertips. I could scarcely think straight. My mind was so consumed with finally shutting her infernal mouth up once and for all that I could barely comprehend anything beyond it.
The axe was likely my saving grace. It made it so easy to pluck from the Void and throw it at Kirche, I didn't even need to try and craft a failed spell. I couldn't even feel the creeping power of the damned curse flooding me with the Void.
Perhaps I would thank the axe later when I wasn't immolated with the fires of Hate.
"Is that all you have? I'd have thought you'd be a better shot than that after all your experience blowing things up." The devil herself grinned after jumping out of the way of another explosion. "Though I do have to admit, this is the most fun I've had with you in a long time, Zero."
"JUST! SHUT! UP!" I bellowed, dipping deeper into the well in an effort to silence her. Drawn on habit, I pulled together a failure of a spell I'd become quite familiar with.
(This is what you always wanted, Oh Bearer Mine.)
"FIREBALL!"
BOOM
An old gnarled tree exploded beside Kirche, and a giant cloud of dust, dirt, and splinters engulfed the forest. For a moment, there was silence. For a moment I thought she might've died. For a moment, I felt a cold sliver of dread and guilt worm its way around my heart.
And then I heard her laugh.
"Ha! You call that a fireball?" She danced out of the dust, pieces of wood in her hair, smudges of dirt on her clothes, and a wild grin on her face. She drew her wand, a brilliant spark of light appearing at it's tip.
"This is a Fireball."
A flick of the wrist and the spark shot off towards me, rapidly expanding into a massive white-hot ball of fire spiraling right towards me.
I should have dodged, I knew that. It was the smart thing to do, getting out of the way of a giant fireball spiraling right towards me.
And yet...
(Use Me.)
"Don't you dare mock me!" Blinded by rage, I could think of nothing else other than complete destruction. I finally drank from the Void.
(Drink deeply, Oh Bearer Mine, my heart will bear the burden.)
I drank from the nothingness between stars, between the gaps in reality. The power of the Void flowed into the axe, and through it into my veins. Lines of sickly purple light burned across my skin, but still the axe channeled it away, and still I remained in control. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of triggering the curse, of falling into the depths of failure and damning us all for my arrogance. Yet, at the same time, I honestly couldn't say I'd ever felt more alive.
And then I took aim at the fireball.
"...VORTEX!"
(My heart guides your hand and makes your will reality.)
It was a bastardized attempt at a spell, little more than me trying to slap together a pale imitation of Lord Felwinter's spell he'd shown me on that night, a spell I'd seen all of one time. It wasn't refined or pretty, hardly anything you could call efficient, and probably five different kinds of heresy.
But…
(Just like you'd always Desired, Oh Bearer Mine.)
Whoosh
A swirl of purple light erupted from the fireball. Tendrils of the ethereal color wrapped around the fire, consuming it utterly. As fast as it had come, it disappeared with a howl of wind, air rushing to fill the momentary rupture in the fabric of reality I'd created and taking the fireball with it.
Kirche stopped and stared at the empty space, stunned by what she'd seen.
"That was…" Her jaw flapped uselessly for a moment. I'd finally rendered Kirche speechless for once in my life.
(Just like you Both had always Desired)
Then she turned on me with a brilliant smile and glowing eyes, "That was magic! Actual magic, Louise! This is incred-"
BOOM
(But you want More don't you, Oh Bearer Mine?)
She was cut off when I set off another explosion at her feet, sending her careening across the grass. She rolled to a stop, unfortunately able to gather herself and dodge before I could plant another explosion on her face.
"Wa-, wait, Loui-!" Kirche frantically called out, evading as I wove a barrage of detonations around her.
I let out a wordless cry of rage, silencing her poisonous words with another high power blast. The trunk of a tree behind her burst open, showering her back with slivers of shredded wood, the force knocking her to the ground. Before I could strike again, a large plume of fire erupted in front of her, obscuring her from view.
"Dammit!" I hissed, eyes already scanning for where she would pop out next. "Why can't I hit her?!"
(You know why.)
I could scare her, knock her around, even dust her up a bit, but I never seemed to land a solid hit.
She just won't stop moving like a damn rat!
(You want more from the world.)
There was a flash in the corner of my eye. I spun around, incantation on my lips, and only barely managed to evade the spear of fire that grazed my shoulder. Fierce pain blossomed on my left arm, the searing heat cutting through my dress and burning my skin.
Dammit! I cursed, but I forced myself to focus on my surroundings, I couldn't get distracted.
"Oho!" Kirche's voice taunted from the treeline. "That looks nasty! Why don't we call it a day and get you back to the infirmary?"
"Stop. Mocking. Me!" I growled through my teeth, my gums feeling the strain of all the grinding I was doing.
Another flash of light, but this time I was ready.
I whirled around, howling out, "Vortex!"
The lance of fire crashed into a swirling maelstrom of purple light hanging in the air. All the furious might of the flames, the sweltering heat, and blinding light, all of it poured into the infinite nothingness of the Void. Yet, for all the vortex I'd summoned consumed the flame, so too did it take its toll on me.
(Something more than a trail of blood in your wake.)
I could feel my willpower draining, my focus slipping, my white knuckle grip on my wand straining. This was only my second time casting a proper spell of the Void, and the first time I'd ever tried to control such a spell for so long. It almost felt like the longer the vortex spun, the more flames it devoured, the more the Void demanded more to sate its limitless hunger.
Just hang on! I told myself. Rule of Steel, Louise!
(You Both do.)
"Inferno!"
What the hell?! My eyes widened, Dammit, Kirche! Are trying to kill m-?!
Suddenly, the fire lurched. A new torrent of flames splashed across the swirling bulwark of Void I'd summoned. Tongues of fire flicked around the vortex, licking the ground and scorching the grass around me. The sweltering heat turned the air into a sweltering furnace, the roaring fire and howling void mixing to create a deafening storm of chaos as the two violently clashed, with me barely holding on at the eye.
Dammit! Dammit! DAMMIT! Just hold on!
I was clinging onto the handle of the axe like a lifeline. The window to the Void I'd made the only thing standing between me and immolation. My will was holding on by a thread, my body was screaming from the strain, my lungs burning on the hot, thin air I sucked down.
(I will bring your Desires into reality.)
Suddenly, the flames cut off.
I stood there, stunned silent for a moment.
(And you will feed me your Heart.)
And then I felt my connection to the Void tremble. I looked up and saw the Vortex I'd summoned, swollen and shaking with unstable power as the rest of the world violently tried to restore the disruption in reality.
"Oh Brimr," I muttered.
(So show me more, Oh Bearer Mine.)
I raised my wand, flailing my magic in a desperate attempt to do something, anything!
Come on, come on, come on!
The air shook, the vortex shrunk, and the void sang.
Disappear, disappear, disappe-!
There was a lurch in my stomach. Suddenly, a wave of vertigo took me as the bottom of the world shifted. Gravity itself upended, and with a roaring whoosh, the world went silent.
And then it all went purple.
A wall of force slammed into me, a deafening silence drowning out everything. As I tumbled through the air, the only thing I could feel was my white knuckle grip on Felwinter's axe.
I crashed into the ground. Something in my body snapped. There was a spike of pain. I tried to shout, but I could only wheeze painfully. The world still spun around me, a riot of blinding violet raging across the forest.
Then it was over.
I lay on the ground, curled around Felwinter's axe, wand nowhere to be found, barely able to move. I tried to breathe, but it felt like something had carved out my lungs from my chest. I panicked, desperately trying to gasp down a breath, but only convulsing from the pain in my chest. Fear spread its dreaded tendrils through my heart. I was in agony, fighting for my life, and I couldn't even breathe.
W-where is she?
(Feed me everything.)
Finally, with a wet cough, I finally managed to breathe again. Ignoring the blood on the ground, I tried to get to my feet and look around. My body screamed in protest, muscles burning and bones creaking, but by using the axe as a makeshift cane I managed to get to my feet.
And around me, all I saw was devastation.
Dust and debris drifted to the ground, illuminated by motes of violet light hanging in the air. Around me, scattered branches and shattered trees littered the once tranquil forest. Before me, a sphere had been carved out of the earth where I'd once stood.
H-how did I survive that? I wondered.
(I would not lose you so easily, Oh Bearer Mine.)
I heard a whistle from behind me.
"Whew! That sure was impressive. Might not even call you Zero anymore," Kirche said. She walked through the dust with that same seductive swagger she always carried herself with, but her brow rose to the top of her head as she took in the scenery. "Guess you weren't kidding about the whole 'blowing up a forest thing' after all…"
Then her eyes fell on me and went wide.
"Founder, Louise…" she whispered, jaw slack.
"Kirche," I hissed through grit teeth. My body was exhausted, yet the blaze of hate still burned fiercely in my heart.
I tried to heft up Felwinter's axe up to my shoulder, but my arm screamed in protest from its weight.
I can't stop yet...
Kirche took a breath to gather herself, a suppressed twitch running through her body. "Alright, Louise, are you okay?"
I ignored her, instead turning my attention to the axe. I pulled harder, straining my weary muscles to heft it up.
I can't give up...
"W-what are you doing, Louise?"
(Here.)
I pulled and pulled, reaching deeper and deeper. I couldn't stop, I couldn't give up, I…
I refuse to fail again!
(Take this.)
And then I felt the Void reach out from the axe once more. It crawled up my arms, veins of purple light worming through my body. The cool touch of nothingness poured into me, empowering me, supporting me, giving me the strength to keep going.
(And show me what you truly Desire, Oh Bearer Mine.)
As it reached my head, as I felt my soul dip into that chasm between stars, I tightened my grip on Felwinter's axe and moved.
"Louise, you need to stop and see a-AH!"
The axe cleaved through the air she'd just been standing in, biting into the ground with the full weight of my swing.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Kirche cried out, her facade of confidence long gone. "What in Brimr's na-!"
She dodged again, twisting out of the way of my every swing, and feeding the fire burning in my heart with each step.
"Just. Stop. RUNNING!" I roared, blood and spittle flying from my lips.
My form was sloppy, I knew that. I'd never used a sword, let alone an axe like this. Even with the force of the Void in my veins, I could barely lift the thing. Any expert would likely kill themselves laughing as I threw around it's heft from place to place.
But I didn't care.
(Show us what secrets lie locked within the steel cage of your heart.)
"Running? Louise, I-" Kirche paused to evade another sloppy swing. "I'm serious! We need to get you to the healers!"
"Shut up!" I cried, heaving the axe up again. "Stop lying to me!"
"Lying? Louise, you're covered in your own blood!"
"You never cared before! Why should you now!"
"I always cared!"
"LIAR!" I howled, slamming the axe down with as much force as I could. The edge glowed with the purple sheen of the Void, slicing through the air and cleaving deep into the ground in the blink of an eye. All around it, the earth disappeared, consumed by the Void and falling into nothing.
Yet, I still missed her.
...Why can't I do it?
(You know why, Oh Bearer Mine.)
"I'm not!" She exclaimed, a hurt look flashing across her face.
It's a trick, a lie, a game, it has to be!
"Then what is all this, then, huh?!" I gestured to the devastated forest around us. The scorched grass, warped earth, and burnt trees. "What have these years of torment been?!"
"I was just...just trying to make you stronger," she admitted.
"...stronger…" I whispered, struck dumb by the claim. "You were trying to make me...stronger?"
(She wanted only to know the depths of your soul in all its glory.)
"Yes!" She nodded earnestly, and an eager look in her eye. "I've been pushing you to realize your full potential! I knew you had it in you, even after you failed your spell, I knew you could become incredible if someone just helped you."
Kirche stepped back with a wide smile, without malice, without mockery, just pure joy, and gestured to the ruined forest around us. "And look at what you've accomplished! I was right!"
Her undisguised pride shone in her eyes, happiness radiating off her form.
"You've finally found your magic, Louise!"
She…
I didn't know what to say.
I can't…
I didn't know how to react.
All this time…
I didn't even know how to feel.
Why…?
(What a delightful feast of deepest Desire.)
I looked up at Kirche, saw her bronze face bursting with so much pure hope and pride. All the rage drained out of me, the rage and hate leaving my body. I didn't know what to think anymore.
"Leave…" I huffed, breathless.
With all that fury gone, I finally felt the weight of everything crushing me. The aching cry of my body, the tang of blood in my mouth, the creaking pain in my chest every time I took a breath.
"...huh?" Kirche blinked, like she couldn't understand what I was saying. "I...don't understand?"
"I said…" I took in a deep, shuddering breath. "Leave."
"Louise...you still need to see a healer." She gave me a strange look. "I'm not leaving you alone like this." She let out a short laugh. "I mean, come on, I'm not going to leave my rival like this after you finally reach a breakthrough."
A rival. My heart hurt at the thought. A deep, longing, ache ran through me, like an old scar burning fresh again.
She thinks we're rivals.
"Rivals…" I muttered. "You wanted to be rivals…"
(Yet still, the hunger only grows.)
"Of course!" She beamed. "And now that you have your magic, we can set things straight with the Headmaster! You don't need to be expelled, and the two of us can keep pushing ourselves to greater and greater heights, just like fate inten-"
"I'm not going back."
Kirche paused. "...you're...what?"
"I'm not going back there," I repeated. I leaned over on the axe, pressing it into the dirt to keep myself standing. "I'm never going back there."
"I...Louise, don't be ridiculous." She shook her head. "Now that you have your magic, we can make things go back to normal. You know, the way things are supposed to be."
"The way things are supposed to be…" I nodded for a moment. "You mean where you would torment every inch of my life for your amusement?"
"Louise, come on," she sighed. "I was just pushing you to be better, like a good rival is supposed to! You can't deny that it gave you the drive to get you here, to let you unlock this Void Magic of-"
(Let us dive deeper into your desires that you've been oh so deprived of)
"I hate you." I cut her off with a voice as cold and blunt as I felt.
She stopped, recoiling like I'd just stabbed her.
For a moment, there was silence. No sound but the whisper of the wind through the trees and the crackle of distant flames.
"...L-Louise?" Kirche finally stuttered, her face distraught.
(Until we reach the core...)
The world got blurry, and something in my throat went tight.
"I hate you." I choked.
"I…" She chuckled nervously. "That's fine, I mean, we're rivals, right? So we have to start with hating each other, then, uh...eventually we'll become, like, friends, right?"
"...you did all this because you wanted to be friends?" My voice felt hollow to my own ears.
"Well...eventually?" She sent me a shy smile. "But, I mean, that's not really how it works. First, we have to be enemies, then rivals, and then eventually we become friends."
"Is...is this all a joke to you?" I asked.
"A joke?" Kirche blinked rapidly. "No! No, this is the most important stuff in the world, Louise!"
(Where we will find what your caged heart truly yearns for,)
"Then why on earth would you do this to me!" I cried, my voice raw and throat hoarse. Something wet landed on my cheek, and something deep in my heart clenched. "What kind of person reminds their friend of every failure they've ever made at every chance!?"
"I-"
"What kind of person hounds their friend constantly?! Inspiring everyone to mock them?! Calling them a Zero every second of every day, and never passing up a chance to remind them how much of a worthless failure they really are?!"
"L-louise, I was just...That was just to help you get stronger," she tried to explain, her own voice hiccuping, her signature swagger long gone. "The more hardships you endure...the stronger you'll be, right?"
(And there will be the finest feast.)
"Because of you!" I shouted. "Because of all of you! The only thing I hate more than you is myself!"
Kirche stopped, her blurry form frozen stiff. I couldn't even see anything anymore, not through the tears streaming down my face.
"I hate this! All of this!" I screamed, "I hate how every inch of my life is defined not just by failure, but by all the taunts of what I should be!"
(So plunge into the dark...)
I howled.
"Every moment of every day I am reminded of how I should be Great!"
I cried.
(Oh Bearer Mine...)
"And yet, as you are so keen to remind me, I am nothing!"
(And whisper from the root of your soul...)
"I just...I thought it was destiny…" Her voice sounded lost and empty, like a child's. "I thought...we were supposed to be rivals. Just like all the stories..."
(What...)
"I never wanted destiny! I never wanted a rival! I never wanted any of this damned magic!"
I poured out everything I had.
(Is...)
"I just…"
(Your...)
For the first time, I finally spoke the deepest desire from the bottom of my heart. Beyond all the bluster and pain. I said what I'd been truly seeking ever since I came to the academy.
(Wish?)
"I just wish I had a friend."
The jewel of the axe blinked, the world was consumed by darkness, and we all fell into an endless abyss.
(As you Desire, Oh Bearer Mine.)
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"And then what happened?" Lord Felwinter pressed, his eyeless gaze boring into me.
"I…" I wracked my brain, trying to parse through the darkness that occluded my memories, but all I could recall were swirling shadows. "There...was something…"
I pushed hard, digging yet deeper into those hazy memories. The shadows swirled around something, a great figure looming in the mist distorting reality around it, like a leviathan sending waves through the ocean.
"There was something...in the darkness...but…" I tried to recall what it was, why I'd seen it, but the more I tightened my grip on those memories, the faster they slipped through my grasp. "I...can't remember what."
For a long moment, Lord Felwinter held my gaze. I could feel the weight of it pressing down on me, his presence like an icy chill that cut straight to the bone. He took me apart, piece by piece, analyzing me down to my very soul.
Then, after what felt like an eternity under his scrutiny, he sat back.
"...I see," he eventually said.
"S-so do you know what happened?" I tentatively asked, afraid of being the target of his ire again but needing to know just what I'd done.
"Hmm…" his voice rumbled through the air, head unfocused as he considered the question. The carriage rocked on the roughly paved roads. Birds chirped and sang in the forest around us. Siesta nervously fidgeted opposite Lord Felwinter.
Finally, he spoke again.
"...I can't be sure. Once again, paracuasality is an unpredictable field," he began, "but I have a few theories. Based on the fact we're not all dead, it's likely not the worst of them, but that still leaves much to be desired."
He reached down and pulled up his axe from the floor, gesturing towards the strange jewel in the center. "This axe, the core in particular, was made from a particularly powerful type of dragon, one with unusual abilities even by my standards. It's remains still hold parts of it's soul, leaving them all still somewhat alive through yet unexplained means. This grants the remains power, inexplicable and dangerous power, yet power nonetheless."
"Most importantly, these things feed on desire." He leaned forward again, voice turning most grave. "I believe, Louise, that the soul of the dragon in this axe fed on your desire, on the desires you unleashed in your duel, and used that for its own purposes. What those are...I do not yet know."
"An axe made from a powerful dragon?" I muttered, mind reeling from the implications.
If even Lord Felwinter considered it strange and powerful, then what kind of dragon could it have been? The closest I can think of would be a rhyme dragon but, well, not much is known about them and nothing I've read has much to do with feeding on desire. I pondered what this could mean, then shivered as the rest fell into place. And one that cannot truly die...one that still feeds on the desires of its users...what have I done?
"How much danger are we in?" I said, my own countenance turning grim.
"Unknown," he gave a curt response. "The Ahamkara are impossibly cryptic even before undeath. Whatever its plans are, it likely manipulated you, and possibly even your...rival...into accomplishing them. While I knew the dangers of leaving you alone with the axe, I never could have anticipated that it would act so fast. Normally they weave their schemes over the course of months or years, not mere hours."
He sighed, shoulders sagging, head heavy as it bowed to me. "For that oversight, Louise, you have my apologies."
"N-no!" I jerked up. "It was my fault! I shouldn't have...have…"
Been so weak I thought.
"...have been so foolish as to fall into Kirche's game," I said instead. "I was reckless, childish, and I failed you, Lord Felwinter. Just-" I paused, swallowing a thick lump in my throat. This was my last last chance to prove myself, I couldn't just give up after a couple of hurdles. "Just...I've learned my lesson, so...so please give me another chance."
"Hmph, I would be a fool not to." He scoffed, head shaking in irritation. "Instructors who expect nothing but perfection are frauds looking only to pad their ego. How are you supposed to learn if you are not allowed to make mistakes? I'm sure we will have many more fruitful days ahead of us, so long as you do truly learn."
I couldn't nod my head fast enough. "Of course Lord Felwinter! I'll never forget my failures!"
And isn't that the truth? A bitter part of me thought.
"Hmm." Lord Felwinter didn't necessarily seem pleased, not that he ever did, but the way he leaned back and rested his axe back on the floor made me think he was at least satisfied. "In that case, rest up. We shall stop in the next town to gather more supplies."
"Tomorrow morning, we head out for Siesta's village."
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End of Arc I
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A/n:
Alright, a little over a year later and I'm finally back. Hope this 7.5 behemoth makes up for the hiatus.
Also, fuck this chapter. This is like, the third version of this chapter. I was originally gonna try and put up the second version on Easter, but then the servers crashed so I had more time to work on it. Then my beta looked at it and noted that it was kinda trash. Well, their exact words wore more diplomatically pointing out how ooc I was making people and such.
Anyways, here we are. I've looked over and rewritten this chapter so many times that I legitimately can't do it anymore, so there's probably some minor errors I missed somewhere I'm gonna be cringing about later. My eyes just glaze over most of the chapter at this point. Some names and words have lost all meaning to me. I think I actually went a bit insane at some point while writing the climax. Big shoutout to Trix for their help in doing quality control for this chapter. Really helped rein in some of my worst impluses, so you can thank them for this chapter finally being ready where it is today.
In any case, I'm glad I've finally managed to cross this fucking hurdle in the story. It was a fucking pain, but it's over. I'm still a bit worried about how well I characterized everyone, not 100% sure everyone's on point. Kirche might be a bit antagonistic, Louise a bit...I dunno...un-Tsundere? So on and so forth. Let me know if any of this is SoD breaking, but given this is the 3rd rewrite and how done I am with it I doubt I'll be making any major changes to it anytime soon.
Still, in the end I'm happy with what I've got. Hopefully you are too.