Pre-Shippuden

Sasuke: how's your boyfriend?

Nakano: I don't have a boyfriend ?

Sasuke: I know, just reminding you

Nakano: ...how's your clan? ?

Chouji, Kiba & Naruto: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nakano: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?
Ino: How am I supposed to know?
Shikamaru: You say, as if we don't use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.
Ino: *sighs*
Ino: You wouldn't be trapped.

Asuma, about Nakano: Apparently we're getting someone new in the group.
Ino: Are we stealing them?
Chouji: New or used?
Shikamaru: Wonderful responses, both of you. *sarcastic*

Shikaku: Are we really going to let Gaara keep Nakano?
Shikamaru: We kept Temari.

Naruto cast in the HP universe

Nakano: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
Sasuke: This katana is actually a magic wand.
Sakura: Meet me in the DADA class lot for a wizard duel. *cracking knuckles*
Ino: *cocks gun* Magic missile.
Ron: What the bloody hell is wrong with you people.

Narutoverse

Naruto: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!
Kiba: Tubular AF!
Kankuro: Mood to the max!
Gaara, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.
Sasuke, just as annoyed: If she breathes, she's a square.

Narutoverse

Naruto: I'm an idiot.
Nakano:
Sakura:
Sasuke:
Ino:
Naruto:
Sasuke: If you're waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Modern au

Kabuto: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Sakura: :O language
Naruto: Yeah watch your fucking language
Kakashi: OKAY WHO TAUGHT NARUTO THE FUCK WORD?
Nakano: 'The fuck word'.
Sasuke: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Naruto: Oh my gosh, he censored it
Nakano: Say fuck, Sasuke.
Naruto: Do it, Sasuke. Say fuck.

HP-verse

Temari: Dumbest scar stories, go!
Hermione: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Ino: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.
Sakura: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the academy.
Ginny: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Nakano:
Nakano: I have emotional scars.

Modern au

*The squad is over at Nakano's house*
Sakura: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
Nakano: ... N-No...
Nakano, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have?
Sakura, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!
Ino: I see a-
Nakano A, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Sakura: Oh, well I-
Nakano: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Nakano, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Temari: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Tenten: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Nakano: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
Nakano: I am someone who owns four ovens...
Nakano, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Nakano: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Temari, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
Nakano:
Sakura: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Nakano:
Nakano, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

Girl party HP-universe, the Naruto girls teach the HP girls

Tenten: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Lavender: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Ino: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Lavender, learn to listen.
Ginny: What if it bites itself and I die?
Temari: That's voodoo.
Hermione: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Sakura: That's correlation, not causation.
Pansy: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Nakano: That's kinky.
Tenten: Oh my God.

Team 7 arguing with Kakashi

Naruto: Rules are made to be broken.
Kakashi: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Sakura: Uh, piñatas.
Sasuke: Glow sticks.
Nakano: Karate boards.
Sakura: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Naruto: Rules.
Kakashi:

Crossover Modern au, Sleepover at Nakano mansion

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Naka (Nakano's mom): So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Hermione: ...I did. I broke it.
Naka: No. No you didn't. Pansy?
Pansy: Don't look at me. Look at Blaise.
Blaise: What?! I didn't break it.
Pansy: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Blaise: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Draco: Suspicious.
Blaise: No, it's not!
Sasuke: If it matters, probably not, but Naruto was the last one to use it.
Naruto: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Sasuke: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Naruto: I use the wooden stirrers to make my ramen! Everyone knows that, Sasuke!
Hermione: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Mrs. Nakamura.
Naka: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Pansy: Mrs. Nakamura...Shikamaru's been awfully quiet.
Shikamaru: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Sakura, being interviewed with Nakano: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Nakano: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Nakano & Sakura: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Team 7 describing Nakano to literally anyone cause they think she needs to be protected, modern au

Naruto: Nakano... How do I begin to explain Nakano?
Kakashi: Nakano is flawless.
Sakura: I hear her hair's insured for 500, 000, 000¥.
Sasuke: I hear they do car commercials... in America.
Sai: One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome.

No au

Pansy: Hewwo.
Draco: Hihiiiiii!
Sasuke: Greetings, Humans.
Sakura: Three kinds of people.
Naruto: I want ramen.
Sakura: Four kinds of people.
Nakano: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
Sakura: Five kinds of people.

school au

GROUP CHAT

Fangs Fangs (Kiba): Can I copy the homework?
Shy Precious Bean (Hinata): I can help you with it!
BUGS ARE LIFE (Shino): Yeah, sure.
FOOD IS LIFE (Chouji): Bold of you to assume I did the homework.
Gorgeous Hair (Nakano): lol nope.
Ramen Fanatic (Naruto): Wait, we had homework?!
Emo Duck (Sasuke): *Read 5:55pm*

Draco guessing what Team 7 does.

Draco: Well, aren't you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you're out to save the world!
Sakura: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
Kakashi: More or less, I guess...
Naruto: That sounds awesome! Let's do that!
Sasuke: I'm new here, but I am open to the concept.
Nakano: I thought that's what we were doing, guys, come on!

Nakano with Team 10

Shikamaru: Time for plan G.
Ino: Don't you mean plan B?
Shikamaru: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Asuma: What about plan D?
Shikamaru: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Chouji: What about plan E?
Shikamaru: I'm hoping not to use it. Person E dies in plan E.
Nakano: I like plan E.

Modern au, Crossover

Nakano: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*
Harry: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents
Nakano: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you
Hermione: Actually I did the math, Harry would have $225, not $0.15.
Harry: Fam I'm right here...
Ron: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Nakano: while you're there could you buy me an apple juice please?
Ron: Sorry I only have a dollar
Nakano: :(
Sakura: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Harry would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent
Naruto: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apple juice
Sasuke: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Draco: Yeah and he wants a soda and apple juice
Pansy: Apple juice for what?
Blaise: For drinking Pansy! What else would it be?
Nakano: Great chat everyone

Nakano talking to Moldy Voldy and putting him in his place

Voldemort: HAHA, I could KILL YOU!

Nakano: So?

Voldemort: Wait what?

Nakano: I mean...so could anyone else, a horse, a cow a really ambitious DUCK *looks at Sasuke*, actually a duck DID try and kill me...HELL! I could even kill MYSELF!

Voldemort: What's wrong with you?!

Nakano: Look, the point is...you're not special~

Voldemort: *about to cry*