My fingers run though my hair in almost every direction until I am satisfied with the appearance that stares back at me. I can't remember the last time I was this stressed out about going on a date, especially with my own wife. I stretch my arm up and give a good whiff of my underarms to make sure I'm not already sweating through my deodorant. One thing I thought I had left in the past five years was how sweaty I got when dating Sarah, her beauty and skill set is enough to make anyone sweat a little so I never had a chance. Her falling in love with me as I am was shocking to me, it felt impossible to do so and it almost feels that I could never get that lucky twice, yet here I am trying. I can't spend anymore time in here, I don't want to keep Sarah waiting any longer or she might start to feel sick again. Her morning sickness comes and goes and some days are better than others but we've been trying to go out and do date nights to not only continue to get to know each other better but also do things we won't be able to do when the baby is born. I swing open the door and step around the corner to see Sarah leaning against the couch looking down on her phone. She is just doing the most mundane task and yet she looks breathtaking, even without her in that long red dress that stops at the ankles and her hair curled she still would be taking my breath away at this very moment. "What do you think?" My voice makes her look up from her phone and she is already smiling as soon as she takes a look at me.
"Very handsome" She stands up and I can now easily see the small outline of a baby bump, Sarah is a thin girl and I swear most of her weight is her muscles so even the tiniest bit of weight she has gained so far in her pregnancy is more noticeable. We have our first doctors appointment later in the week so we can finally see the baby, I promised myself I would try and avoid the subject of the pregnancy and the baby tonight so it's like we are going on a real date and not the mess that our relationship currently is. We are still legally married so she's my wife, but where our relationship stands we are still going through our first few months of dating stage so she is more like my girlfriend, but of course we can't forget she is also my baby mama. So many different labels and technicalities for someone I just look at and just feel the deepest and purest love for, and to me that's all I need right now.
"I'm glad you are all smiley and still impressed with me dressed up in a suit, I'm a bit older this second time around of us dating so I'm sure I have to work a lot harder to impress you" Her smile turns into a laugh at my joke, even with her memory lost she still thinks I'm funny and it honestly warms my heart.
"I think what you really have to worry about is that you completely missed your opportunity to tell me what you think about me in this dress" She does a little twirl when she talks and now it's my turn to laugh at her joke, she completely called me out and I'm happy she still does. Sarah definitely is a lot warmer and more herself around me now, it is such a big change from how she was almost two months ago when she came back to me with her memories erased. I wouldn't have cared if she never remembered me at all, I'm just happy her personality wasn't erased and she is still the same Sarah deep down. I walk up to her and take her hand in mine and raise it above our heads as I twirl her once more.
"I could have sworn I said something, but it must have been in my head. You look spectacular baby" I can't help but slip my little pet name for her in there, just saying Sarah all the time seems so formal to me. I watch her go around in a circle once more and take her all in, she truly is so beautiful in each and every way.
"Where are we going to dinner? Have we been here before?" She says as I stop twirling her around and let go of her hand so she can put her shoes on, when she stands up she is a few inches taller this time but I still look down on her whenever she has heels on. Sarah is pretty tall and I am abnormally tall so the genes this kid is about to come out with will be insane. I love looking at her and thinking of all the combinations of us that they baby could inherit.
"We've been there before, not in a while because we were doing a lot of missions the last few months but you liked it" I fidget with my watch as I answer her, I always get a bit nervous talking about our spy life, it may have given me absolutely everything but it took away everything from her. Not to mention that she had to abruptly give up the only life he had ever known and quit being a spy cold turkey because she is pregnant now.
"Hopefully they have a lot of options, that time in Miami when I thought I was pregnant everything made me so nauseous" I look up from my watch and try and hide the shocked look on my face, before she just now brought up that Miami vacation, turned mission that we took with Casey and Verbanski the most recent thing she had remembered was our practice wedding. I still don't understand the brain and memories the way Ellie does but I know I'll have to let her know that Sarah has remembered some more recent memories here and there. "That was such a crazy ordeal" Sarah doesn't even skip a beat when she continues to reminisce about a memory I thought was long forgotten.
"I'm sure we can find something that won't make you sick" I try not to stay stuck on that resurfaced memory, I hate consuming so much of our time talking about everything to do with the baby and her lost memories on our date night, I want just one night for us to just be Chuck and Sarah again, just an ordinary couple. Or as normal as we can be. Especially since I seem to hype fixate on everything regardless if we aren't talking about it.
"Are you ready to go?" I was still so shocked I hadn't realized Sarah was waiting patiently by the door, purse in hand and ready to go. At least she didn't notice what she said was unexpected, I would rather her continue to think her memories are normal because they are normal, her remembering her life with me is the most normal thing that could happen in our lives right now.
"Yeah, lets go" I give her a smile and let my hand trail across the small of her back as we walk out the door together. As soon as we walk out the apartment door I can't ignore the lights illuminating the apartment just across the way, Morgan and Alex.
"You miss him don't you" Sarah can't ignore my lingering look as we continue walking. I can detect hints of sadness in her voice that I can't ignore. I don't want her to blame herself for anything, especially not the relationship I have with Morgan.
"Of course, I just miss seeing him at work everyday. We've both been super busy lately but I'm sure we will organize a game night sometime soon" I don't want Sarah to feel guilty but I also don't want to remind myself of the own guilt I have been harboring inside. I am going to be a father and I haven't even told my best friend about it. It's been eating me up inside, I always imagined that when this day came that Morgan would be apart of my closest friends and family that get to find out all together at once. That plan went out the window when I told Ellie over the phone, I know she would never tell Morgan or talk about it without everyone having being told already, she would never want him to feel bad or like she was special because she got to be told first. Morgan is my brother, he has gone through it all with me and I know he would be ecstatic to find out he was going to be an uncle, I just want me telling him to be a happy moment instead of the defeated one I shared with Ellie. After the initial uncertainty of even continuing with the pregnancy I really have only followed up with Ellie to shoot her a quick text about the fact we were going to keep the baby. Sarah and I will know more once we have that ultrasound and can find out everything that has been a mystery so far. I've tried not to push her or ask too much since it was such an emotional decision for both of us, all we know so far is that she has four positive pregnancy tests and has morning sickness all day everyday it seems like. I can't remember if I read somewhere or saw it in some movie that morning sickness is a good sign so that is really what I am basing it on, and that will have to be good enough for now.
"Did I ever have fun at those game nights?" Sarah's voice brings me out of my own head and I realize we are already over at the car.
"Yeah, you really enjoyed them. A lot of them were trivia games about each other and it was mainly a back and forth between you and Morgan about who knew me better" I chuckle to myself as all those memories flood in as I buckle my seatbelt and start the car up as we start our way towards the restaurant.
"Did I ever win? I don't know Morgan very well but I know he grew up with you, you can't really seem to beat that"
"You actually had quite an edge on him in a lot of things, Morgan might be my brother but he didn't share a bed with me. Besides no one knows me more than my wife" I can't help but reflect on the irony of that sentence, the one person who does not know we very well currently happens to be my wife.
"Well once I brush up on some Chuck Bartowski knowledge I'm sure I'll be ready to take him on" I can hear the giddiness in her voice and I know she truly is looking forward to this. I turn my head slightly so I can take a look at her better at the stoplight, when I look at her I can't help but remember the look on her face when we sat on that beach and I told her our love story. The way she laughed and cried, I got to experience falling in love with her all over again. I never doubted her for a second about her intentions to make this work but hearing her so eager to learn things about me gives me that same feeling of falling in love with her again. I put my turn signal on and turn into the parking lot of the restaurant and park the car. I unbuckle and get out of the car to open Sarah's door for her.
"One thing you will have to remember about me is that I am always a gentleman, but especially on dates" I grab her hand and help her out of the car, I have seen Sarah not only run for her life but also towards a swarm of bad guys in heels taller than the ones that currently occupy her feet but I still get nervous about her tripping and falling.
"I'll try and remember, but I fear between my memory loss and the pregnancy brain that will creep up you might have to continue doing nice things so I won't be able to forget" She is teasing me and it's nice to joke around with her like this. Her memory loss has been such a touchy subject but I can see part of the way she is dealing with it is humor, definitely a better coping mechanism than my bubble of angst I simmered in for a few weeks.
"Well if you are remembering things in this relationship you will have to remember I am the funny one" Laughter erupts from inside her as we continue our back and forth banter right up to the front door. I open the door for her and she is still laughing as we walk up to the hostess.
"Hi, how can I help you two this evening?" Her perky voice greets us and breaks us out of our own little bubbles.
"Hi, we have reservations for Chuck Bartowski" She pauses as she looks down to check her screen, she doesn't have to scroll very far to find the B's.
"Yes, we have you here for 7:30" She grabs two menus and motions for us to follow her "Right this way Mr, and Mrs Bartowski" We follow her through the sea of tables, as we pass each table my nose is greeted by the smell of their meal and I hope nothing is going to bother Sarah's sensitive nose. We are show to our table and I try and study Sarah's face to make sure she isn't already nauseated before the meal has even began. I make my way to Sarah's side to pull her chair out for her.
"Are you feeling okay?" I touch her hip and lean is close to whisper in her ear.
"Yeah, I'm doing good" She whispers back and I can't help myself and plant a small kiss behind her ear. As my lips leave her skin I can see its turned red with a blush. I then make my way back over to my chair on my side of the table with a smile on my face.
"You two enjoy" The hostess says as she lays the menus down in front of us.
"Thank you" I tell her with a smile and then she disappears back into the sea of other diners.
"Why didn't I ever change my last name to Bartowski?" Sarah's voice is low when she speaks this time, I worry it has something to do with that kiss I snuck.
"I'm not sure, we never really talked about it but I assumed it had something to do with the fact that Walker was just an alias last name anyway so you probably just had to keep it the same when we were spies. We did have this joke that I would be Mr Walker" I chuckle but she doesn't seem to be very responsive. "Sarah I'm sorry about the unexpected kiss, I acted impulsively but I didn't mean to upset you at all and ruin our date night"
"You didn't ruin anything, I just don't know why I never changed my last name" She sounds a bit distressed now, that's the only way I can describe her tone of voice. I watch as the gears are turning in her head, I never thought much about the last name thing because it never bothered me and it never seemed to bother her either. Maybe it always did and she just never said anything to me about it.
"It really wasn't a big deal, okay?" I reach across the table to grab her hand and take it into mine. I keep my voice calm and soothing to help bring her back down, I can see her begin to spiral.
"Was I a bad wife?" This time she just purely sounds defeated and my heart breaks over and over again as each word left her mouth.
"Sarah, why would you ask that? You are an amazing wife" I squeeze her hand and hold it tight, I know I am holding on more for me than her. I don't know what happened in the last few minutes that made her think she ever was a bad wife to me.
"Why wouldn't I even change my last name, did we even discuss the last name the baby would have? I just don't understand why we wouldn't all have the same last name" After she speaks it hits me why she is so distraught about this now, the Sarah I knew was never pregnant and didn't have a little tiny person controlling her emotions and apparently also making her rethink every decision she has ever made. She also has a pretty tumultuous relationship with her dad growing up that she doesn't know the right way to have a family, I didn't even think about that weighing on her. I'm sure the last name thing wasn't a happy reminder about all those feelings she has been keeping inside. Yet again I look into the eyes of my Sarah Walker and see my fearless hero afraid, I hate to make her feel like this but I hate even more that she is making herself feel bad.
"Baby, lets take a deep breath" I move my hands from her and use my long arms to cup her cheeks and have her focus on my eyes. I can see the tears welling in the corner of her eyes and I want more than anything to prevent them from spilling down her beautiful cheeks. She closes her eyes and I watch her chest rise and fall as she collects herself. "Listen to me, we didn't talk about the baby having one last name or another but it is going to be whatever you want and whatever feels right. I'll love him or her if its Bartowski or Walker and neither last name will make us any more or less a family. We are a family because I love you and I want to hold your hair back when you throw up, I want to rub your back when you are so pregnant it hurts just walking around. I want to cut that umbilical cord and barley get any sleep for a whole year if that means you can sleep even the tiniest bit more than me, I'll even change every single diaper if you don't want to change a single one. To me that is what makes us a family, okay?" She begins to cry through a smile that has formed on her face.
"If you were trying to prevent me from crying I don't think you should have given that whole big speech to me" She took the words right out of my mouth. Sarah is laughing and soon that laughter turns into hiccups through her tears, she looks like a crying mess in the middle of this restaurant. She is my crying mess and I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Is this a bad time?" A man has walked over and stopped at our table with two wine glasses in hand, I hadn't even noticed he was standing there and I hope it wasn't long.
"Oh I'm so sorry, I'm just hormonal and pregnant" Sarah chokes out through tears, snot begins to bubble from her nose and I pass her my napkin.
"I'm guessing you two won't need these then?" He motions to the empty wine glasses in hand.
"I'll just need another napkin" I let him know as I look over at Sarah still wiping her nose, she seems calmed down a bit more.
"I'll be right over with that sir, and congratulations to you both" He hurries away in search of a new napkin for me and my eyes are still locked on my once sobbing wife.
"Do you feel better now?" Sarah sets her drenched napkin down and I take mine and lean over and touch up the side of her eyes.
"Yeah, I think so. You are very sweet" She touches her hand up to where mine is and rubs small circles across my hand with her thumb.
"I tried to warn you, I truly am a gentleman on a date" I feel the warmth from her palms spread across my whole body, I never want to see her cry but I enjoy anytime we have physical contact and I love making her feel better through that.
"And apparently declarations of love are the way you do it" She lets a laugh slip out and I let go of her cheek, breaking the contact between us makes me lose that feeling of warmth but her smiling at me makes me feel it begin to spread through my heart again.
"I'll just try not to make you cry anymore on this date, but as long as you don't make any other waiters uncomfortable for the evening" At least it was a good cry I think to myself, I never want to make her cry because I've made her sad.
"You got yourself a deal" She reaches her hand out across the table so we can shake on it and make it official. Even though its Sarah that lost all her memories and has to relearn everything about me and our relationship but through her pregnancy hormones I am starting to get to know a whole other Sarah as well.
Our dinner continued for the rest of the night without anymore tears and we were able to keep the conversation away from any topics that might cause the tears to resurface. I know we will eventually have to revisit that conversation but I'm grateful it doesn't have to be today. I park the car and walk over to her side of the car to get her door for her, I open the door and we start our walk back towards our apartment. Sarah grabs my hand and our fingers intertwine as we pass by Morgan and Alex' apartment once more. "Do you want to go see him?" Sarah asks me and we stop to look together at the lights that are still on.
"I wouldn't really know what to say" That is the truth but I didn't realize it until I said it out loud. Morgan is my best friend in the whole world but this huge momentous thing is happening to me and he has absolutely no idea, it hurts my heart but I know that it is bigger than me.
"Why don't you tell him the truth, I mean some random waiter knows I am pregnant so I think your best friend should deserve to know too" She does have a point I think to myself when I hear her talk.
"But we haven't even gotten checked out by a doctor, didn't you want to make sure everything was okay before we told anyone?" I obsessively researched on the internet everything there is to know about pregnancy after Sarah told me she wanted to keep the baby and it turns out that miscarriage is pretty common, especially in the early stages like Sarah is now.
"I'm sure I'll be okay, I mean I fell out of a plane without a parachute most of the way down and we've gotten this far now. You've told me countless times that he is like your brother and is apart of your family so I want you to be able to share this with him" I agree with everything Sarah is telling me but I do feel some shock from that first thing she just said to me.
"We are going to have to circle back to that first part at some point, I'm really going to need details on that part" I hope she can see the look of shock still on my face because it really is something important that I would have liked to know before. I also have no idea how I am supposed to convey that to a doctor without sounding crazy, or really if there is any tests you can run to make sure the baby wasn't harmed in skydiving without parachute type situations. This was once again a reminder that I am unfortunately not an average guy, but if I was then I would never have met Sarah and fell in love and our baby wouldn't have even been possible. As I get lost in my own thoughts Sarah has let go of my hand and walked up to Morgan's apartment door and is knocking, my mind is still catching up but I make my body move to go stand next to her. Morgan opens up the door and looks surprised to see us but I can tell he is happy that I am here.
"Chuck, Sarah, long time no see guys" He reaches out and pulls Sarah into a hug and with her back to me Morgan is mouthing the words 'oh my god' to me, I think he must mean it in a positive way and hopefully not that he is scared of Sarah, I know she was a bit haywire the last time he saw her.
"Sorry, that has been my fault. I've been so sick lately and Chuck has been so sweet taking care of me" Sarah tells my best friend as she pulls away from his embrace.
"Oh that okay, I can see you are feeling better now. Look at you two all dressed up, romantic dinner?" Moran has so much excitement and energy to his voice that is only amplified now that I'm here in front of him again.
"Yeah, we just got back from our date and Sarah wanted to stop by" I know Morgan would probably do better if he hears this news while he is sitting down, I worry he might faint from excitement.
"I actually came over to tell you that I'm pregnant. Chuck and I are going to have a baby" In perfect Sarah Walker fashion she has just gone right for the kill without an ounce of hesitation. I find my eyes darting back and forth between her face and Morgan's reaction to make sure he does not in fact faint.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I'm going to be an uncle!" His voice gets higher and higher after each 'oh my god' and he is practically yelling for the whole complex to hear by that end part. "I'm going to need to many details" He pulls us both into a tight hug and I can feel my ears ringing as his volume does not lower even though we are smushed together.
"Okay buddy, lets calm down" I tell him, in reference to both his volume and his possibly but probably inappropriate comment about needing details.
"I meant that in a completely none sexual way" Morgan says to us still holding us in a tight hug. Alex walks over from inside the apartment and we use that distraction to break away from his grip.
"What is going on? Who is yelling and what are you talking about in a non sexual way?" Alex fires question after question and seems more confused the more she asks.
"Babe, you are going to be an aunt" Morgan blurts out and I can tell Alex is still just as confused.
"I'm pregnant" Sarah interjects and the confusion on Alex's face is replaced with a big smile and she soon is pulling Sarah into a hug. It's easy to forget she's a Casey with how much she loves to hug, it's only when the temper comes out that you remember she posses the same DNA inside of her to kick everyone's ass if she wanted to.
"Oh my god that's so amazing" Alex squeals, she still manages to keep her voice in lower octaves than Morgan did when he heard the news.
"You guys need to come in to to celebrate" Morgan motions for us to follow as he races inside and Alex soon follows, leaving Sarah and I standing in the doorway.
"Thank you" I tell her as I close my eyes and lean my forehead against hers. When I open my eyes back up I see her bright blue eyes filled with so much joy. I can't remember the last time I've been her this happy since she lost her memories. We may not be a normal couple living a normal life, or anything close to normal circumstances, but we have each other and that is all that I need. I pull away from Sarah's orbit and take her hand again in mine and I lead her through the door and into my best friends apartment. I don't think Sarah realizes what she just got us into with letting Morgan know but I do know she did it to make me happy and it means the world to me. Morgan pours three cups of some sort of beer, the only type of alcohol he has in their apartment and hands Sarah a cup of juice, the four of us toast to the baby that is still so little but has all the love in the world already. I look around at the love of my life, my best friend and the love of his life and know that not everything is exactly the same as it once was, but with all that I have right now its turning out to somehow be even better.