Conrad Verner, out of retirement!

Illium. A dirty planet shrouded in dark, darky darkness. Darkness that hid endless doors of possibility. But opening those doors usually involved proper identification. But the dumpsters of possibility were open to all...anyone with a will to save this miserable slum of a galaxy we call home. And he was just the dumpster diver for the job! Like a...

Like a…

Uh…

Oh bunnies! Internal monologues are harder than he thought.

Conrad Verner sat at the head of the bar looking like a cool lone ranger. Or rather he didn't, but he thought he did, and it's the thought that counts. He called to the asari working the bar, "Bartender, another warm milk!"

Matriarch Aethyta rolled her eyes, "Who comes to a bar for warm milk?"

"My wife won't let me have anything alcoholic. She says it's the first step to every mistake."

"Does she now."

"Yup! She told me this story, there was this one girl who got really drunk one night and woke up married to this idiot...then she looked at me and started crying. The story was very touching."

It was official, he was the dumbest customer she'd ever served, "What're you still doing here? I thought you'd leave once that Commander helped you with your, ah, 'mission'. Someone have it out for me again? What'd they tell you this time? That I was a front for sentient trafficking? That's legal too, by the way."

Conrad shook his head solemnly, "No...I've left that life behind me. It's just...what I've done, the things I've seen...I'm not sure I can go back to being boring ol' Conrad."

"Kid, I don't think you were ever boring."

"Thanks," Conrad smiled.

"That wasn't a compliment." she finished and turned to the volus next to him. She slid him glass of water and some aspirin. "Here, take this. It'll help you come down."

The volus took it gratefully, "Thank you, kind soul." He took the meds and put them in the water. As they dissolved he took a straw and stuck it in his induction port. He sipped the misty water gratefully.

"Rough day, pal?" Conrad asked.

"The worst," he sighed and took a long sip, draining half the glass.

"Me too, I've finished what may be the most important chapter in my life. I don't know how I'll ever move on," Conrad lamented, "What about you?"

"Oh, it is a tale," he began. "I was in a trance. I believed myself to have ascended, becoming a biotic god, capable of capturing the galaxy in my mighty grip! Of course, it wall all because of the drugs..."

But Conrad had stopped listening after the words 'biotic god'. Surely this meeting could be no mere chance! It was a sign from the universe, saying that his work was not yet done!

But no...no, he promised the Commander that his heroic journey was over. He couldn't let his best buddy worry about him while they was off saving the galaxy. It would tear Shepard apart...he had to do let it go. For the Commander…

Then he heard a pair speaking behind him, "You said the Synthetic insights rep would buy me!"

"Easy, it's just a minor setback. We'll get you sold before you know it."

What was this? Slavery?! Two signs in thirty seconds...the universe must be working overtime to make the message clear! But his promise to the Commander…

But the universe…

But the Commander…

Truly a conundrum even the greatest minds could never solve!

"First that asari rep, then that turian military guy and that human jackass...you've been nothing but a headache for me," the asari complained.

"Hey, none of that was my fault!"

The Commander's words, and concern...how could he ever do that to his loving mentor?

But…

But…

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh! This was just too perfect to resist!

Conrad stood up and grabbed his fellow bar patron, "Biotic God, I need your assistance!"

The volus was still blabbering about his story when he was interrupted, "Huh, wha? My name is Niftu Cal-"

"No time for that, there's an innocent to save!"

Conrad grabbed his unwilling companion and dragged him to the center of the bar. "Oh biscuits, not again..."

Conrad walked up to the asari and her quarian for sale and struck a dramatic pose, "You there, unhand this poor woman this instant!"

The asari turned, "Who the hell are you?"

"The name's Shepard. Commander Shepard!" he paused, "Wait, daydreaming again. Gimme a do-over."

"Are you seri-"

"The name's Verner! Conrad Verner! And you'll be answering to me for your crimes!"

"Oh great. Another one. Look, this is a mutually agreed upon, legal contract of inden-."

"No excuses, slaver! Me and my buddy here won't stand for it!"

Niftu Cal looked like he could hardly stand at all "How do I keep getting myself into these situations?" he asked woozily.

Conrad nudged his new friend in the shoulder, "Because the universe has brought us together!"

His nudge sent Niftu tumbling over a nearby table, which was covered in red sand. His head landed right in the pile and sent the stuff right into his olfactory filters.

The two turians stood up, "Hey, watch it ammonia-head! That stuff's expensive!"

The asari sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "No matter what you think about our business, this practice is perfectly legal. I have permission from the owner to operate here!"

"She's right, I agreed to this. Please don't get involved, this is hard enough without anyone else trying to save me!" the quarian said.

"Keep this up and I'll report you to the authorities," the saleswoman threatened.

Conrad refused to back down. "You think your threats scare me? I've taken down red sand dealers in this very bar, I even got shot in the foot, but I got the job done! I'll do whatever it takes to stop you!"

"Indeed!" the three turned to see Niftu Cal rise from the pile of red sand. He glowed with biotic wisps. "I rise again, renewed with holy purpose. My great wind shall devour all who stand against me! For I am the Biotic God, and you shall fear me!"

He released a small burst of biotic energy. It missed the asari and hit a glass on the table behind her. The glass leaned on its side, hovering for a moment before toppling over and spilling liquor all over the table.

"I'm not cleaning that up!" the bartender yelled.

"Excellent work, my biotic friend!" Conrad said, "That was a warning shot, the next one will surely blast you through the wall unless you surrender!"

The quarian looked from the volus to the spill. "A great wind, huh? I've seen sneezes more powerful than that."

Conrad struck a dramatic pose, pointing at the vile woman! "Do not fear, innocent! You'll be safe soon enough. That was merely a taste of what my friend and I have in store! Because I'm Conrad Verner, and I've," he paused dramatically, "got some asses to kick!"

"You're all going to get your asses kicked if you don't stop fighting in my bar!" Martiarch Aethyta stormed up to the group, "I'm feeling a powerful urge to headbutt someone, and I don't discriminate. You'll all leave here equally brain damaged."

The asari saleswoman blanked for several moments, finally throwing her arms up in surrender, "You know what? Fine! This quarian has been nothing but trouble since she arrived! YOU can take her!"

"WHAT?!" the quarian screamed.

"Really? And she'll be free?" Conrad lit up.

"Free? No, she wooooooh yes, of course! I just need you to sign a few forms and, uh, promise me to take care of her! Yeah, that'll work."

"Sure! I don't mind having her tag along as a free quarian."

"That's not how this works!" she screamed desperately.

She handed him some paperwork, her contract. The quarian gripped the saleswoman, "This can't be legal! You can't send me off with this...this...this idiot!"

"Hush, I'm finally going to be free of this headache! Once he signs, you do exactly what he says, or I'll literally bury you under your debt paperwork!"

"Keelah, this can't be happening!" she whined and clutched her harder.

Conrad happily signed the forms and handed them back, "I'm finished!"

"At last! The headache's all yours!" The slaver said with stars in her eyes.

"She must be talking to me," the indentured servant said as the asari ran out of the bar before he could change his mind. Never had the bouncer seen a person so joyous.

Conrad had made someone very happy today.

Conrad held his head high in victory. Another mission accomplished. Without a doubt, this was his calling! "This is a sign, the galaxy needs heroes like us!"

The Biotic God nodded, then tilted and nearly fell over, "I agree...I once aimed to bend the galaxy to my whim. Becoming a hero, using these heavenly gifts for good, I...I shall try. My great wind shall join you to sweep away the injustices of this universe!"

"Your 'wind' couldn't sweep away a dust bunny." the quarian deadpanned.

Conrad didn't hear the insult. He was high as the Biotic God on hopes and dreams! "And you, are you ready for adventure?"

She wanted to say no, she wanted to say go breathe in the viruses of a thousand worlds and may your sinuses be congested until the homeworld is retaken. But out of the corner of her eye she saw her slaver peek around the corner and stare warningly at her, pointing at her contract.

"Charge," she said as enthusiastically as an elcor.

Conrad Verner stared at his comrades and saw greatness. He looked at his stumbling biotic friend, and he saw greatness! He looked at his quarian servant slouched over in despair and he saw greatness! And he would be the one to lead them to realize their greatness in this dark, darky world!

"Alright team, let's go save the galaxy!"

"Just get the hell outta my bar!"

And so their journey begins! What adventures awaits our heroes? What powerful enemies shall they face, and how the hell are they supposed to survive? Are we really doing this?!

Find out next time in:

Conrad Verner, poetry slam!