A/N: Back at it. So much of this is the original and I'm leery about it. Review, if you please. I need some encouragement right about now, big time.
Chapter 1: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (Amy Winehouse)
Santana's POV
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 60
Day 60
May 28, 2013
Hi Henry,
Halfway through this freaking program! :D
I am currently sitting in Doc's office, curled up on the big red comfy couch, preparing for another call with my kids. It's been 25 days since I've spoken to Britt and I don't expect that to change.
I'm at the point that managing my expectations just means, not hoping for things and I don't mean that in a sad, woe is me kind of way...I mean it in a realistic way. I just try not to expect anything at all.
When I chose rehab over going back to the status quo and encouraged B to explore, I meant it but I think now in hindsight, that was my guilt talking. The stuff with Q was fresh and I just wanted her to have an escape hatch but now, I see that was stupid of me. She needed the grounding of our marriage to stay on routine and in our kids lives but Sandra taking them gave her an out.
So now every week, as you know it's been someone new on the call holding my kids, making sure they hear my voice and see my face.
Sandra.
Mari.
Quinn.
Today, I have no idea who it could be and I think I'm finally okay with that. After my call, which gets to be an hour today, I'll get a new schedule and routine from Doc. I'm also hoping to get a new chore, my hands are rough and I need a mani/pedi badly. As much as scrubbing grimy floors has helped me get comfortable with solitude and silence, it's also been hard on my body. My boobs are like weights with the daily flow of milk making them heavier and hurting my back.
I've pointed this out to Doc and I'm hoping (now that she's expecting), she'll have mercy on me. Fingers crossed.
Talk to you soon,
S
When I got to Doc's office, I was surprised to see Britt's face already on the screen as she talked to my therapist while they waited for me. Since that call with Sandra, back on day 31, Doc has sat in on every call...just off to the side making sure that I don't lose my shit again and it hasn't really been needed but when it came to me and B, anything was possible.
One thing was for sure though, I was definitely not the same person I was when I got here or who I was 30 days before.
The medicine had helped me get a hold on my erratic emotions but there were still times that calls ended with me in tears. Knowing that this was only the second time that I was talking to my wife, she was definitely on high alert.
Seeing her talk to B, face to face, made my stomach churn but I didn't get in my head about it.
"Hey, doc." I said and she smiled at me.
"Hi Santana, look who it is."
"I see."
"I was just telling Brittany that starting today, you get a whole hour to call and she is very excited."
"Good." I stepped into frame and sat down, Britt's eyes lit up when she saw me and then she turned to the side. I could see that she was on the floor in the playroom at my sister's house. Which meant the kids were still there a whole month after going to stay with my sister.
And then I was thinking of the state of my house, now that Quinn was in Lima for the summer but then I let it go because there was absolutely nothing I could do. I still had 60 more days to go. This was only the halfway point, so much could happen between now and then.
"Iz...come." She called and it sounded weird...shortening Isaac to Izzy was one thing but to do it again to Iz...well that was just annoying but I let it go.
Pick your battles, Lopez.
My son toddled into frame and planted himself on Britt's lap with a red lollipop shoved in his mouth.
"Hi Papa." I said and his eyes snapped to me. He clapped his hands and laughed.
"Mami! Mami!" He said, "Home?" He said to me, his cheek bulging with the lollipop and I shook my head, not wanting to correct Britt on her parenting just because I had been sitting through these courses. I didn't want to be condescending. She had always hated that and would shut down on anyone who made her feel stupid, that wasn't even an expectation, it was a fact. I was picking my battles heavy, right now. I just needed to take things as they came.
"Not yet. Soon, Papa."
"Soon?" He asked and I nodded.
"Yay!" He clapped his hands again and then leaned back against B and stared at me, his eyes shining. All I wanted was to snuggle him and make him feel secure. Was anyone doing that enough?
"I hope you're happy to see me on the call, I rearranged my schedule to be here for it." B said, sounding just slightly formal. I tried to brush the feeling away and smiled at her.
"I missed you." I admitted.
She looked surprised but then grinned.
"I missed you too, Ana. You look good."
"So do you."
"So, updates for you. This little guy had a doctor's appointment this week. His lungs are improving and he is on a daily maintenance medicine to help with the asthma. He can count to ten. Show Mami how you count, buddy."
She took the lollipop from him and popped it into her mouth and helped him hold up his hands.
"One, tew, tee, four, fie, si, se-in, eyg, nine, ten!" He squealed. We'd have to work on his annunciation but he did do it.
"Good job, Papa."
"I play?" He said to her and she kissed his face and helped him on his feet.
"Go play." She did not give him the lollipop back, thankfully. "I'm going to grab Dani, Sandra is in here with the boys, so we can come back in a little okay?"
"Okay, thanks, B."
Once I had seen both of the kids and said a brief hello to my sister, Britt took me out to the car with her.
"I need to head to the city now, you have a half hour left, can we still talk?" She asked.
Dr. Clover nodded.
"Yes." I replied.
"Good. So, remember when you said I should explore."
I sighed and nodded, already settling within myself and through talks with Dr. Clover, that I just had to accept this version of reality.
"Yes."
"I want to always be honest with you, Ana. I've been seeing someone. A guy."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes."
"Have you, you know?"
"Had sex? Not yet but we might. I wanted you to know first. What rules are there, you know? We are still married."
"Wow...um...I wasn't r-ready for this talk."
"Sorry." She said as she looked at the road, her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Keep it away from the k-kids and out of the h-house."
Her face went red and I knew, she'd already done both of those things.
"Okay, I won't do that again."
"I also would say th-that you end it b-before I get home."
She nodded.
"Okay, yeah, I told him that."
"Good."
"Do you want to know when we do have sex?"
"Not really. J-Just be safe. D-Don't bring anything home."
"Okay. How about you, any love connections in there?"
"Nope."
"Really?"
"Really. Not w-worried about that stuff. I j-just want to be clean."
"That's good to hear."
"When are you b-bringing the kids home, B?" I asked her, not really able to let that fact go anymore.
"I don't know. I wasn't going to, Izzy hasn't been sick since he's been at Sandra's, there's something about the house that isn't good for him. Plus, it's Sandra that picks up your milk and so it makes sense that she keep Dani instead of your milk going all over the world."
"They need us, B. I c-can't be there. Are you th-there enough?"
She got quiet and then let out a sigh.
"Probably not, I'll do better, okay?"
"Promise?"
"I promise."
After my call with B, Dr. Clover tried sitting me down and getting me to unravel what I was thinking about Britt's revelation but I was able to look her straight in the eyes and tell her that I didn't care.
Not as much as I cared about Isaac's teeth and the fact that our kids had barely seen either of us in a really long time.
It just didn't feel right and with their godmother far away, I was certain that the influence of my family was stronger than I would have liked. My sister was a saint for taking on two extra kids when she had three boys to take care of but I knew that she had nannies and hired help. That wasn't how I wanted our kids to grow up.
So that's what I talked about.
And when she asked if I wanted to go to the music room, I asked if I could go to chapel instead.
With my new chore being maintaining the chapel, I had become obsessed with making sure the candles were stocked, the floors, were swept and the incense was burning. I had been leaning heavier on my faith and had even gotten Father Carter in here a few times to give counsel.
Without needing to be told, I was already making plans for the after for me and for the kids. I wasn't counting Britt out but I also wasn't tethering myself in her anymore. My kids and my sobriety were my top focus.
Knowing Britt was out there exploring, gave me to freedom to explore to...my method just wasn't the same as hers.
I was exploring who I was outside of us...but for real this time.
In just few weeks, I'll be 20 and in my mind that comes with putting away childish things.
And for me that meant the games that I played with Brittany.
It was with this resolve that I had left the meeting and was diligently cleaning the chapel.
Until I couldn't anymore.
I sat there frozen, staring at the dais.
Who had been in here?
This was the only place with cameras and I knew that God was testing me.
On my watch monitor there was a panic button...for the first time, I was tempted to push it but I wasn't sure who that signaled.
God forbid it was Craig, he seemed to have formed a bitterness against me and was always ready to hand me demerits for something that I hadn't done.
He'd find a way to pin this on me.
I rubbed my palms together as I tried to think of my next move.
There were lines there...imperfect, created by someone in a rush.
I'd been sober for 61 days...if I touched those drugs, I'd go to jail for a year.
Which would mean more time away from my kids.
So even if it was Craig, I couldn't risk being in that room alone for much longer.
I pressed on the panic button and then moved to the front pew, pulling my rosary out and counting the beads.
Hoping to God that someone got here before I finished counting.
The doors swung open and in came rushed footsteps.
My eyes had been closed and then I felt a cool hand on my shoulder.
"Santana, what's wrong?" Doc.
"What's the emergency?" That voice was Officer Coleman's as she knelt in front of me.
I opened my eyes and realized I was crying.
My throat was tight and dry, so I just pointed to the dais.
Officer Coleman went over and then froze.
She looked back at me.
"Did you touch this?"
"No." I shook my head and then rubbed my palms. "I p-panicked."
"You did the right thing, Santana." Officer Coleman tried to assure me but I was feeling like shit. "Jenn, take her out of here. She'll need to follow protocol, take her to my office, you know where the cups are. Wait there for me."
I moved blindly through peeing in the cup and then sitting there trying to pay attention to Doc but my brain was taking me down.
"Santana, I know this is hard but I need you to get your act together before Craig or anyone else comes in here. You're presenting as if you slipped. I don't want to send you to triage. Please?" She sounded worried and her voice shook.
She pushed my journal into my hands and I looked down, there open to my most recent page was the pictures of my kids. I smiled and thought only of them. I thought of Isaac's counting and Daniela's dimples.
And I thought of those bright blue eyes that glittered every time she was excited...even in that moment, I thought of B.
I took deep breaths and was able to level myself out by the time that Officer Coleman arrived with CiCi and Craig behind her.
They all lingered while I used a pen from Officer Coleman's desk and scribbled down my thoughts.
Writing to Henry kept my mind from going all over the place.
And when he test came back negative, everyone seemed to relax even more.
"CiCi, take Santana to the cafeteria, I'll be sending everyone there shortly. We need to do room sweeps and center wide drug testing, patients and staff. The center is lockdown until further notice." Officer Coleman said and then I stood up, looking at Doc.
"Thank you." I said to her and she nodded her head. Her desperate plea had kept me from going over the edge.
And being clear headed as I walked with CiCi to the cafeteria, the announcement for everyone to report there immediately, ringing out, I felt like I had come out of a rigged battle, as the victor.
It felt like I had moved a mountain in my own mind.
Then the lyrics began to come to me.
I tucked into a booth along the far wall, with CiCi and began to write feverishly, shutting out the world as I let the words spill from me.
For my entire life I'd wanted to be a lawyer because it was practical and secure. Now though, with endless money at my disposal, I was thinking of songwriting more seriously.
And I had Dr. Clover and rehab to thank for it.
We all sat there, eating dinner early while they called 10 names at a time at random over the loudspeaker. Another cop that I hadn't seen before was guarding the exit so that only those ten people left.
The names called were a mix of staff and patients.
Ten would leave but ten wouldn't always come back.
Sometimes six, sometimes nine, and at one point only two.
People would crowd around those who had returned but they weren't talking.
When they called CiCi, I felt panicked because she had been sitting at my side since we got here and I was afraid that she wouldn't return. For a whole thirty minutes I sat staring at the doors, waiting.
I don't think I took a breath until she came back with tears in her eyes, moved through the cafeteria and sat with me.
She'd been very vocal about not being touched since the moment I had met her but when she sat down, she reached for my hand and didn't let it go.
"What is it?" I asked her but she just shook her head and stared forward, not letting me go for a second.
This went on for hours, until after the chapel bells chimed and the lights out buzzer signaled.
And then somewhere before midnight we were told we could return to our rooms.
When we walked in, everything was everywhere so we spent time cleaning up and then finally, as we got ready for bed, she spoke.
"It was Craig." She said and I froze, clutching my journal in my hand. I looked over at her and she was sitting on her bed, looking pissed off. "I'm not supposed to tell you. They tested our hands and clothes, they went through our lockers. He had residue on his hands. "
"Why?"
"He was trying to set you up, I was in the room when he broke down and admitted it. Something about a Mr. Evans, you needing to go down for your crimes. It was just a litany of bullshit and hate. Some of it was definitely racist and sexist. They arrested him."
"That asshole."
"Officer Coleman was in shock, she kept saying things like Santana is sweet as sugar, why would you want to hurt a sweet thing like that."
And then the words came back to me...Officer Coleman telling me that she was my person in here and Sugar telling me that I had someone on the inside watching out for me.
Was it Office Coleman?
I smiled to myself and shook my head.
"What's done in the dark." I muttered and CiCi nodded.
"Definitely. A few people tested positive for drugs and they were immediately carted out of here. A few of them were roommates, monitors and patients. It's going to definitely be different around here tomorrow. Dr. Clover told me to stick to your side all day."
"I'd like that."
"Good, not like you have a choice but good to know you won't be crabby about it."
I stuck my tongue out at her and she actually came over and opened her arms.
"What is h-happening?"
"You know I'm not touchy feely but I think we could both use a hug."
We stood there for only a few moments, soaking in the comfort.
I sighed and pulled away. "Thanks, CiCi."
"Thank you, for being honest tonight and not taking the bait. You make me proud to be your future sponsor."
I gave her a wink and then curled up in bed, falling asleep faster than I had in an eternity.
Feeling like everything would be okay but the mind can be fucking trickster.
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 70
I'd been walking around in a daze for over a week, I was really just going through the motions. My facade in place. I did everything that I needed to do for people to not be worrying about me.
And I thought I was doing a good job.
I swear it but then I passed out in the middle of the chapel while sweeping.
The one thing that had taken a nosedive in the days since the Craig incident, was my ability to keep food down.
My bulimia was back with a vengeance and I couldn't make it stop, my gag reflex wasn't even a problem anymore. I'd eat, then go off to the bathroom and quietly vomit while flushing the toilet.
I didn't think it was noticeable until I woke up with CiCi looking at me nervously, as I laid on the floor.
"Oh praise God." She said, reminding me of Mercedes. It made me smile.
"What?" I asked her. "H-Help me up?" I asked her.
"I was told to leave you there until they come."
"Who?"
She was pale.
"Triage."
"No. CiCi...please?" I said holding a shaky hand up to her.
"You're spiraling, Santana, I'm sorry. This is for your own good."
I covered my face as I laid there, with people gawking at me.
They were wondering if I was high or losing my mind but I was just sick.
I always had been.
This time, triage was a little different, I wasn't in a padded room this time, just a hospital room.
"Am I going to have to strap you down or are you going to accept this banana bag?" The doctor asked.
I stuck out my arm and looked away from him.
"Please." I whispered. "C-Can I go after this?" I said, looking his way again.
"No, you'll have to stay until we get you back to a healthy rhythm."
"CiCi?" I whimpered, the tears wanting to come but not dropping even a little.
"You are probably the first person who has requested their monitor."
"I don't w-want to lose t-time again." I explained.
He looked unsure and then looked over my file.
I was over halfway through the program and the Craig incident was definitely in there. This set back wasn't my fault, I'd been trying.
"Unfortunately, I'm not in the place to make program decisions. The only person that can make changes to your program is Dr. Clover and she is out sick today, so you're going to have to at least spend the night in here. I will have her come see you when she returns."
"Th-Thank you."
"I can however, see if Cecilia is willing to spend the time with you here and help keep you on track."
I nodded as my exhaustion started to take me under.
Sleep had been something I'd been avoiding, which is part of the reason that I passed out. I'd been wired for days, too freaked out by my dreams of Craig hovering over me with Mr. Evans by his side. It felt so real and then the food all tasted like bacon...like going down on Mr. Evans, it made me too sick to eat.
And then it got easier to throw up, so I'd force it down knowing that I'd be rid of it soon.
Eating disorders weren't a light switch...it was more of a dial...you could turn it up and turn it down but you could never really turn it off...just like addiction.
My body had fallen out of sync, this electrolyte and nutrient infusion wasn't a new thing. I'd been getting them every once in a while since I was 11, it was just this unspoken thing in my family. Papi would bring home the bags and I would stick them in.
Thinking back on it now, I couldn't imagine doing that with my kids.
I'd been conditioned in so many screwed up ways and it was taking serious time to change them.
But I had to be willing and I was.
Dr. Clover was away for three days which meant that I was in triage until she came sweeping into the ward, her face slimmer and her eyes sharper. Gone was the giggly therapist I had come to know.
"Are you ok?" I asked her when she came in with her trusty tablet and CiCi on her heels.
"This isn't about me, Santana. I was gone for three days. What happened?"
I told her about my nightmares and then I told her about my history with Mr. Evans and how I unfortunately connected him to food. She looked a little squeamish after that but she checked my vitals.
Then she murmured something to CiCi, who left after.
She came closer after that.
"Tell me." I said to her.
"My mother passed, we weren't close but I was her only child. I needed to handle her arrangements."
"That's tough." I said.
"You're not going to say sorry?" I looked at her and rolled her eyes.
"Manage your expect-tations." I said, "I lost my dad, the sorrys do nothing. I know b-better."
"Touche."
The doctor came in with his tablet and a smile.
"Hi, Jenn. It's good to see you."
"Thanks, Mark. Can you do a final vital check on Mrs. Lopez, I'll be taking her back to gen pop."
"No problem."
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
DAY 84
Day 84
June 21, 2013
Hi Henry,
Today I'm 20, it feels good to bring it in sober. Mami has promised that we can celebrate my birthday big time when I get home but really, all I want is to be with my kids again.
My focus is narrowing. I'm preparing myself for a different reality than the one that I left.
In six more days, I start the last thirty days of rehab. Doc warns that it might be harder than the first thirty but I just can't imagine how. After this next phase I will get to go home.
That's my only expectation and I won't do anything to jeopardize that.
-S
It was just after dawn when I finished my journal entry. My head was clear and my body was clean, for the first time in my recent memory all I wanted to do was run.
Instead, I left CiCi a note and changed into a clean uniform. I grabbed Ian's rosary and my journal before making my way down the semi-lit hallway.
Deidre at the reception desk smiled at me and waved me over.
"Good morning, sunshine, you're up early."
"I know, w-wanted to get some Jesus time alone."
"Well don't let me stop you, just wanted to give you this." She handed me a sticker that said Birthday Girl on it. "Happy Birthday.
I teared up.
"Thanks."
I kept moving down the hall and stuck the sticker onto my top. Today I was 20 and I was going to soak it up for what it was.
A fresh start.
The smell of stale incense and paper enveloped my senses as I stepped into the chapel.
A chill went through me and I felt the tears in my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. I dipped my fingers in the holy water and then crossed myself.
Taking a moment to thank God for another turn around the sun. Not everyone was so lucky.
Ian.
Abuela.
Court.
Nico.
Marco.
Brenda.
Ethan Jr.
Brendan.
I felt so grateful to be there at that moment because life was so temporary and it could be gone in a moment's notice.
At any age. I could have died so many times at that point but God saw fit to keep me here for some greater purpose that I hadn't quite figured out.
But I was grateful to be sober and in my right mind.
Once I got to my favorite pew up in the front, I dropped to my knees and pulled out Ian's rosary. I began reciting the Holy Wounds prayer and then a few Hail Mary's. I rounded them out with an Our Father and then once I got all that Catholic rigidity out of me, I went rogue.
"Father, Mother, God, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't say it enough. Thank you." I sighed out as the tears leaked down my face.
There was a presence next to me and just from that familiar smell, I knew I was dreaming...there was just no way.
I had six days for visitors and it was barely morning, but when I turned my face there was Britt, smiling at me softly. Her hair short like mine and her eyes red rimmed.
"Hi baby."
"How are you here?"
"I got special permission from the judge. After everything that's been going on here with Craig and then you getting sick, Dr. Clover and your mom helped me convince the judge that you could use some time with me."
"But...we...that guy." I said, feeling stuck on stupid.
"Today is about you. No matter what is going on with whoever, you are my wife and I am here to be with you. To spend the day with you, to connect."
She pulled me into her arms and I wept against her shoulder. Britt kept kissing my hair and my face, not saying anything more.
It was nearly the best gift I could ask for...the best being my kids.
"The kids?" I asked.
"Couldn't come. She only approved me, something about overwhelming you."
I nodded as I pulled away.
"Thanks, B."
Britt was allowed to visit but she was supposed to help me with my chores, so instead she sat there watching me as I relit the incense and swept the chapel. Then she smiled when I began to lovingly wipe the piano keys.
"Have you been playing?" She asked from just behind me. I startled and hit a key loudly.
"Yes."
"Good."
She kissed my shoulder and then looked at her watch.
"Time is it?"
"8. Your stutter is nearly gone."
"I have speech therapy f-four times a week."
"That's amazing. So what's next?"
"You're really doing my day w-with me?"
"Yup...part of the sell is that I get to have therapy with you."
"Oh boy." I muttered.
"What?"
"She's going to make me talk about our a-arrangement."
"Arrangement?"
We were holding hands now as I led her from the chapel towards the cafeteria.
"You exploring while I'm here."
"Oh." She said and then she changed the subject and I let her. "That's a cool sticker."
"Thanks."
Our avoidance of the topic, brought me back to old school Brittana, we used to dance around the issue of us so much that it became a habit even after we got together. I understood it in that moment though, it was early morning and it was my birthday.
She wasn't going to stoke my flames.
Smart of her.
"Did you eat already?" I asked her and she nodded.
"Bagel and coffee."
"From the cart?" I asked.
"Yup and your old friend must have found a new corner, he's gone."
"Good." I said leading her to my usual booth where CiCi was already sitting, drinking coffee and reading through her notes. "Sit here with CiCi, I'll be r-right back."
"Hi." CiCi said, "Nice to meet you in person." She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "Stay on plan, Santana."
"I know." I rolled my eyes.
"And Happy Birthday."
"Thanks."
I headed to the cafeteria line and swiped my bracelet. Now that I had gone through triage with a relapse, my meal plan was already picked for me. I had lost the right to choose. Which was fine, one less thing to worry about.
My eyes were on the strips of bacon on my plate, it had to be a mistake. I was feeling close to a panic attack when I got back to the booth. I sat next to B and she saw my face.
"Did they mean to give her bacon?" She asked CiCi. "She hasn't eaten that in years."
Cici looked up at me and then my plate.
"That's specifically NOT in your plan, I'll be right back." She picked up my tray and stormed back to the counter, it was the first time I had seen CiCi get worked up. She was actually having words with the person back there.
"Is she always so ready to fight for you?" B asked.
"No. This is new. She's sh-showing off."
"Maybe she just wants you have to a perfect day...or close to one."
"Maybe."
Britt took my hand in hers and brought it to her lips. "I missed you."
"I missed you too." I leaned my head on her shoulder while CiCi brought the tray back with turkey sausage and a scone that hadn't been there before.
"There you go, he's new back there...got you a free scone."
"Thanks, Ci."
"No biggie, tone down the PDA, wouldn't want to spark any jealousy around here."
I sat up but did not let Britt's hand go and I wouldn't. I needed this bit of grounding and CiCi was just going to have to deal.
We finished up group and then had lunch back in my room.
CiCi was letting us have alone time and the moment we were alone, Britt gripped my cheeks and kissed me hard.
She ground her knee against me and I moaned into her mouth.
Having a roommate kept me from rubbing it out on the daily, my showers were even monitored so this was the first time I was getting any action since I left home.
"I love you." She said, her forehead resting against mine. "I'm so happy I could be here."
"Me too."
She pulled me towards the couch and we ate together, our pinkies liked. After we ate, we just stared into each others eyes as we held hands.
"You look amazing, Ana. I don't think I have ever seen you look so healthy."
"Fat." I joked.
"Don't do that...no deflecting. You look beautiful." Britt scolded.
"Okay, okay."
"Can I tell you something?" She suddenly looked nervous.
"Yes. Anything, B."
"I'm kinda glad that I had to leave the kids at home...I'm happy to get you all to myself for the day. I missed us. Things are so different without you."
"Just a little longer." I said and then I leaned closer and kissed her.
She took over the kiss and laid me back on the couch, her body hovering over mine as she pressed her knee more firmly between my thighs.
"I want you so bad."
"Me too...but we can't." I said giving her a soft smile.
"Why not, we're alone?"
I shook my bracelet at her.
"If my heart r-rate gets too high, they'll know...also...that." I pointed behind her towards the ceiling above my bed. She turned around and saw the camera.
She looked back at me and raised her eyebrows.
"It's not like we haven't had a sex on tape before?" She teased.
"No thanks." I said and then kissed her lips again. "This has to be en-enough for now."
She kissed me hard and then pulled us back into a sitting position.
"How about I play you some videos then?"
"It's not porn is it?"
She faked being shocked.
"No."
She let me curl up against her and then she played videos of the kids.
We sat like that for a long time until a buzzer went off on my wrist.
"What's that?"
"Dr. Clover. T-Time for my one-on-one."
"Oh wow. That's the first time it buzzed though."
"Because she's paging me. Probably th-thinks we're doing it."
Britt blushed and I winked.
"So I guess this is it, I have to leave soon...this day went way too fast." She pouted.
"I know."
"Time does fly by when you're having fun, I guess."
"Come on, B. Let's go get in-interrogated."
She kissed me again before we left the room, pinkies linked.
Is it weird that this was my favorite birthday?
Just us, existing...no pressure or tension.
Everything felt just right.
The center had been really trying to make the Craig incident up to me or maybe it was doc. Whoever it was, in the last few weeks a couch and recliner had shown up in the music room.
Our sessions were now just in that room, without question.
When I showed up there with Britt's finger entwined in mine, Dr. Clover was already there with her tablet and a cupcake.
"Happy Birthday, Santana. I had mine already, I'm pregnant and you took too long."
"Thank you." I took it and wiped at my tears.
"You have gotten sappy, my girl." She said to me.
"I know."
"Brittany, it's good to see you in person."
"Same."
"So, the way this works is that I give Santana music homework and she writes a song...then she plays at the beginning of our session and we talk about it. This week, her topic is finding her happy in the midst of a storm."
"Nice." B said as she sat on the couch. I took a big bite of my cupcake and groaned, it was red velvet, my favorite. I handed the other half to B.
"Finish that for me."
I expected one of them to comment on my inability to eat a whole cupcake by myself but B just happily bit into the cupcake while doc gestured towards the piano.
"Get to it. Brittany turns back into a pumpkin after this session."
Britt grinned, getting the reference, of course.
I dropped a kiss on Britt's lips and wiped away the crumbs from the cupcake before heading to the piano.
My journal sat on the stand as I shook out my nerves. I could count on one hand, the amount of times I had ever played for Britt and it made me nervous. What if she was like Mami and hated the song.
Manage your expectations, Lopez. I reminded myself before turning back to the song that I had finally finished.
I played the melody and Dr. Clover clapped.
"I was hoping you'd play this one."
"Shh." Britt said to her and doc zipped her lips and tossed the imaginary key over her shoulder.
And it hit me then, why I loved my therapist...she was so much like all the best parts of B.
I took a deep breath and just let my fingers fly and my voice lift.
Britt obviously was in awe of the song that I had written for her because when I stopped playing, she was crying really hard.
I left my journal behind and went back towards the couch.
Dr. Clover sat idly by while I knelt in front of B and pulled her hands away.
"You okay?" I asked.
"Yeah. I'm good."
When I looked in her eyes, I could see the guilt.
"B?"
"I...just...you love me so much." She said, taking a deep breath.
"Of course I do." I wiped her tears away and kissed her lips.
The return kiss was quick and even that felt off.
"I just don't deserve you." She whispered.
"This again?"
"Just forget it...don't let me ruin your session." She said, taking a deep breath. "Sit with me."
I was so confused as I sat with B, this was not the reaction that I was hoping for.
"Brittany you're leaving in a half hour and as much as you want to move on, we both know that Santana isn't going to rest until she knows what's going on." Dr. Clover said.
Britt bit her lip and they shared a look. I looked between them and had the sudden inkling that I was the only one in the room that was clueless about her mini breakdown.
"Was the song bad?" I asked.
"No, baby. It was beautiful...perfect. You're doing so well. I'm so proud of you."
She was definitely guilty.
Was this about the guy?
That was just a fling...but had it become more?
My head was quickly filling up with scenarios but I tamped down on them and just tried to breathe.
"Thanks."
"I'm serious, the kids are going to get the real you all the time, it's amazing."
"It's been hard, but I'm really making pr-progress and I really can see beyond my addiction and my issues."
"That's great."
"I can't wait to come home and show you...Ho-Hopefully, I still have you to come back to." I said, the words coming out without my meaning them to.
We'd agreed that whatever it was would end when I got home but now I was hinting at something else because I could still read B...even when I didn't want to.
Britt looked at me in shock and went pale.
"Did someone tell you something? Did you talk to Q?" she said as she chewed her fingernail.
"No one t-told me anything. Did it b-become more?" I reached for her hand but she shook her head and looked away.
She took a breath and then gripped her thighs.
"I was using this time...decide if I really wanted our marriage."
"You slept with him?" I had pushed her to do this but it didn't stop my heart from feeling like it was shattering. I stared at the side of her face and tried to appear calmer than I felt but she just kept looking away which didn't help one bit. She shrugged her shoulders but then looked back at me.
"Yes but...he's just...a companion. A phase, I'm still yours, Ana...I'm still your wife."
"Are you falling for him?" I asked when I could finally swallow the tears that were threatening to come.
"I don't think so...I'm confused, because it's like I love you and I'm yours. We are really married this time, it's just that he's been there for me while you can't be and I told him...he knows that the moment you get out of here that he has to step back."
"Why are you so upset then, B? Be h-honest, you're falling for h-him. Like Frankie."
She dropped her head and nodded. "I am." She whispered. "It's your birthday and I didn't want to think about him...not today. Then you played that song and the guilt was so heavy. I could have not told you-"
And I cut her off.
"I wish you hadn't. I wish you had lied at l-least today." I said as wrapped my arms around myself.
"Do you want me to end it? You told me to explore and that's what I'm doing. I'm with him because of you." I looked at her in disbelief...was she really saying that to me?
"Wow."
I looked over at Dr. Clover and could see that she knew about this.
Fuck them both.
I stood up and marched over the piano, snatching up my journal. I ripped the song out of my book and brought it back and handed it to B.
She looked down at my words and then back at me.
"What do you want me to do?" She asked me.
"You do wh-what you need to do, B. I'm glad I know where I stand in all of this."
"He knows that it's temporary. I love you. That's why I'm here."
I laughed in disbelief.
She was really trying to make this about her?
I felt like the world had turned on it's axis and things were backwards.
"I was st-stupid to tell you to explore. I c-can't go th-through this again, B. I was ho-hoping that we finally getting back to us."
"In order to do that...we would have to go back to the start."
"Again?"
Dr. Clover was taking notes and I both wanted her to intervene and stay out of it.
She finally spoke.
"Brittany, you and Santana are different people than those girls who fell in love. Life has changed for you both. Do you really think you could go back to the start again?"
"Well, no not now...not while she is in here and I'm out there."
"With him." I muttered.
"Well...yea."
"Santana, breathe." Dr. Clover said as I began to pace, wiping angrily at my tears.
I stopped and stared Brittany down.
"I can't accept that. Let's just call this what it is." I said.
"Are you...breaking up with me? Like for real after you pushed me to do this? Don't...do this. We are married...this can't be it...like for good, please?" She looked at me wide eyed and in shock.
"Wh-When I leave here...my court stuff is behind me. I'm taking the kids and I'm moving back to Lima." I said with an air of finality...as if it had been my plan all along.
"You can't do that." she said looking hurt and defeated.
"I can and I will. Let's face it...you and I are tied to each other but we need this. You need to go off and live your life. You need to be free. I just need to focus on me and my kids for once. Go ahead and be with him. I give you my blessing."
"I don't want your blessing...I want you." Britt said with a little force behind her voice.
"Wh-When was the last time that you took your meds, B?" I asked as I looked in her eyes. I could see the fire there, the anger that filled her.
"Apparently, that's not your business anymore." she sniffed and rubbed at her eyes.
"As long as you are around the kids...I need to know."
"Fine...I stopped taking them in April. When I started seeing Grady."
"That's his name...Grady?"
"Yea. He dances...he's our leading man. I've been very quiet about it. I really didn't want anyone to know."
"B-Because you didn't want it to get back to me?"
"No but because I wanted to be respectful of our marriage and it's just temporary."
"Yea? I don't th-think so."
Dr. Clover tried getting me to talk but I asked if I could just play.
So that's what I did, I ignored them both and played through my tears. I didn't want her to stay another second but she insisted on staying until the top of the hour.
Even though, I had just lost my wife, she tried her hardest to still fill the role as my best friend because even though we were done, it was still my birthday.
When time was up, Britt hugged me tight.
"It's temporary and I'll never stop fighting for you."
"We sh-shouldn't have to fight." I whispered.
"Nothing worth fighting for is easy." She said.
"You sound like Ari."
"She's wise and I know you're mad and hurt but I need you to know I love you."
"I love you too."
"He won't be around...it's temporary."
"Who are you tr-trying to convince, B?"
"What?"
"Look...tell yourself what you w-want...you just need to t-take your meds."
"I'll think about it."
"Please, B?"
The alarm chimed.
"I gotta go. I love you." She said and kissed my lips and I just stood there, with Dr. Clover at my back while she left the room.
"Happy fucking b-birthday to me." I muttered.
"Keep playing, Santana. Put the pain into words."
I nodded and went back to playing, happy that Dr. Clover wasn't going to analyze this.
At least not today.