As the slight breeze caught the spring foliage of the crab apple tree outside the tall kitchen window the resulting shadows and light danced across the worktop. The woman's gaze appeared to focus on the shifting negative and positive shapes and a casual observer might have supposed that she was enjoying a rare opportunity to take time out of a busy day to enjoy the sight of such brightness after a whole month of leaden skies and above-average rainfall, but she was oblivious to anything but the sadness in her heart and the anxiety in her head. No conscious attention was being given to the information supplied by her senses; the dried rain streaks on the glass, the softness of the toy rabbit, which was clasped almost absent-mindedly in her right hand, the smell of toast lingering from her reluctantly eaten lunch. It wasn't that these things didn't matter, although they didn't, but more that at that moment they didn't register.
She was dressed casually but immaculately; her blonde hair was clean and stylish. Three weeks previously she had quickly learned a salutary lesson; the best way to avoid unwanted comment or conversation was to give the impression that all was well. So, she didn't skimp on anything that would open the door to searching, painful questioning. Of course, those close at hand were not fooled by her bravado, but silently acknowledged a need to respect her coping mechanisms. The ruse managed to fool those afore-mentioned casual observers and so reduce some of the anguish that filled her days and rattled her nights.
As if being forcefully awakened, her demeanour changed abruptly. As she attempted to tuck a non-existent stray strand of hair behind her ear the rabbit's fur grazed her sunken cheek just as tears began to fall. Copiously, silently, unashamedly, relentlessly they streamed; colouring her face before darkening the blue of her shirt. She rubbed furiously at the growing stain over her breast, as if by doing so she would achieve destruction of the pain within. Her shoulders quivered as she sank unceremoniously onto the nearby sofa, startling the sleeping tabby who made a determined dash for safety. Her grief abated as quickly as it had arrived when her mobile rang. She breathed in deeply and pressed to accept the incoming video call.
'Hi, mum.' The cheery smile of her older son welcomed her. 'I hoped I would catch.. Oh, mum. Have I called at a bad time? Scrap that, silly question.'
'It's always a bad time, but that doesn't mean I'm not pleased you've rung. How's things with you?'
'Put it this way, I thought the jump between GCSEs and A levels would take some beating. Until we were given our most recent assignment, that is! Have you been shopping again?'
William's words were greeted by a bemused look.
'The rabbit, mum.'
Caroline looked at the furry inanimate object in her hands. She placed the rabbit on her lap to release her left hand to stroke the pale pink rabbit ears which her tears had turned into straggly clumps.
'Beverley dropped it off. She's been so lovely. She calls in most days, never stops or puts me under pressure, just brings messages from staff and food that she knows your brother will eat.'
William chuckled despite himself.
'Yes, I know; bringing food that Lawrence will eat is no hardship! It's true what they say about finding who your real friends are in times of crisis. I wouldn't have managed these last few weeks without Gillian and Beverley. They're both their usual selves, like you are, which I need as much as I need air.' She paused to take a deep breath. 'When are you coming home again? Sorry, I said I wouldn't keep asking, didn't I?'
'No, mum, it's fine. That's why I'm ringing. My personal tutor has a family emergency and so I've a free day tomorrow. I'm intending to do some research in the library this evening and catch the first train in the morning. I can stay until Sunday night, if that's ok.'
The grief-stricken woman reached out and momentarily stroked the screen of her smart phone causing a solitary tear to release itself from the shining pool beneath her left eye. She lowered her head to hide it from William, but in vain. The wise young man knew better than to comment and simply copied the way that his mother had touched the screen of her phone, conveying comfort from a distance.
Caroline breathed in deeply and smiled.
'That's wonderful, wonderful. I'll pick you up from the station if you let me know what time you'll be arriving. We could go straight to the hospital, if you want.'
'Yes, I'd like that, if you wouldn't mind sharing Kate with me for a little while.'
'Oh, William! She'd love to see … you to visit. Maybe you could read to her again?'
Soon afterwards the conversation wound to its usual conclusion with an exchange of expressions of affection, and entreaties to stay safe. Her younger son returned home minutes later, bringing further welcome distraction from the anxious, debilitating thoughts that had screamed inside her brain every second of every minute for hours, days, weeks. The tightness in her chest, the light-headedness and nausea continued but she knew that she benefitted from being forced to function, to cope with mundanity.
ooOoo
Car park spaces were more available at the end of the day and, with rain now set in for the evening, Caroline was fortunate to be able to park closer to the hospital than when she had visited a few hours previously. She placed the long-term parking permit on her dashboard, grateful that she had purchased it when it became clear that she would be visiting the hospital for the foreseeable future. Having barely set foot inside the building before Kate's accident she now knew it almost as well as the inside of Sulgrave. The locations of the toilets, the quickest route to the bank of lifts, the change needed for the coffee machines; all such information, and more, had been quickly absorbed. Ever the organiser she had found herself supporting less knowledgeable visitors on numerous occasions.
'Oh, that's easy, like everything, once you know. Take the lift to the fourth floor and turn left.'
'Best avoid the cafeteria between eleven and midday as that's when the staff take their breaks and the queues can be horrendous.'
'They lock that door at eight o'clock, so we'll need to leave through the main entrance.'
She did it all with her customary headteacher efficiency, showing no sign of her personal torment. However, her bluster failed the minute she entered the enhanced care unit where Kate was being cared for. It was there that she could let lose her inner child and allow the incredible efficiency and compassion of the ward staff to take over so that she could give in to her fears and pain. Each patient on that ward was allocated one-to-one nursing and Caroline was now on first name terms with them all. She had her favourite but never doubted the skill and empathy of every single member of the team; not just nurses but the doctors, health care assistants, physiotherapists, clerical staff. They all, in various ways, gave her the freedom to be vulnerable as they took on the role of caring for her as much as for her darling wife. She knew that the named nurse would be the same as the one who had been on that morning, although there would be a handover to the night staff well before she was encouraged to head home again.
Entering the unit she did not expect Kate to have any other visitors, Ginika having been advised not to visit as she had succumbed to a virus that could prove extremely dangerous for Kate and other patients if she was to take it into the hospital. Also anxious not to infect Caroline, Ginika had isolated herself in Celia's granny flat, insisting that she could manage to look after herself for as long as it took to recover. So, it was with pleasure that Caroline saw the unmistakable sight of Gillian's parka draped over one of the chairs in Kate's cubicle. There was no sign of the owner of the coat but, no matter, she was there – somewhere – and Caroline was grateful that she would have her stepsister's company for some of the evening.
She smiled a greeting at Debbie, the nurse, before casually throwing her own denim jacket across the same visitor's chair. She raised her eyebrows and inclined her head.
'Dr Bashir's just gone for a coffee.' Debbie's simple statement told Caroline all she needed to know, and they shared a laugh, despite the seriousness of their surroundings. Gillian had struck up an interest in the young registrar, who seemed to have no idea why she always seemed to appear in the café at the exact same time that he took his break, even though the rest of the staff had long since worked it out.
Caroline leaned across the bed rail to brush a gentle kiss against her wife's forehead. She was now accustomed to the various tubes and wires linking Kate to the high-tech monitors. Determined not to be constantly questioning staff, she had made a point of learning about the equipment. The readings on the screens told her that all was well; or, at least, as well as could be expected for someone who had suffered a catastrophic head injury and consequently undergone several hours of brain surgery. Since then Kate had made definite progress, giving Caroline encouragement to leave her side for a few hours during the daytime and go home each night. The ventilator was no longer required, and the supply of oxygen was now on its lowest level. Since opening her eyes briefly a few days previously, it was clear that Kate was beginning to respond to stimuli. There was so much to be thankful for, but the outcome remained unclear. Nobody, yet, was prepared to say if Kate would regain full consciousness and, if she did, whether she would retain her previous level of functioning.
'Hello, sweetheart. Guess what? Surprise, surprise; it's raining. I managed to get in the main car park this evening, so I don't look like a drowned rat. Did you know that Gillian's here? Well, not here, exactly. It seems she's thirsty at the same time as Dr Bashir. Again!'
Caroline stroked Kate's hands as she spoke, turning the ring that she had so recently placed on her finger. Ever determined that she would not give in to her emotions, Caroline searched her brain for further positive topics of conversation.
'I've fed Lawrence and left him doing his science homework. He's been pretty trustworthy since.. well, recently. You never know, perhaps he'll get used to it. Oh, Beverley sends her love and dropped off yet more cakes and pastries. The freezer's heaving. When you come home we'll have enough to live on for weeks, at this rate. I think she's got everyone of her friends involved.'
The mention of Kate leaving hospital caused Caroline's throat to tighten and she sat back in the chair. Debbie noticed the alteration in the atmosphere and joined in.
'Well, I'll just leave it out in the open for your consideration that most of the staff on this ward have a fondness for anything containing unhealthy levels of sugar. Just saying!'
The nurse's intervention was enough encouragement for Caroline to regain her composure and she picked up the book on the locker and began to read, with one hand holding Kate's and an occasional glance at her wife's face to check for a response. Gillian practically bounced into the room a short while later.
'My two favourite ladies will, no doubt, be pleased to hear that I have just been treated to a coffee by a rather charming doctor who came to my aid in the café when I realised that I'd left my money in my coat! There are times when I'm astounded by my own ingenuity. Ingenuity. You'll like that word, Kate; sounds like it has French origins.'
'Which is more than can be said for trollop!' Caroline responded in kind before standing to pull Gillian into a hug and whisper 'I'm so pleased to have you here,' into her ear.
'What book is she boring you with this evening?' Gillian asked as she plonked herself onto a chair. 'No, don't tell me. I'm bound not to have heard of it and it will only start an argument with my dear stepsister about its supposed merits. Rather, if Nurse Debbie promises not to eavesdrop, I'll tell you more about that cup of coffee.'
Caroline sat in wonder as Gillian, ever the same, talked non-stop for the next half an hour about her fifteen minutes with the doctor. How she wished that she could prattle like that on her visits but, of course, her emotions about the situation, as well as her personality meant that she was more constrained. While Gillian chatted, Caroline observed, and she was sure that Kate seemed to be listening. Her eyes flickered underneath their lids and an occasional frown knitted her brow. Just as Gillian came to the end of her tale Kate's eyes opened and sound came from her dry lips. Despite the hoarseness of her voice, the uttered word was perfectly clear.
'Baby.'
Caroline could constrain her emotions no longer and fell sobbing onto Gillian's shoulder.
Kate's level of consciousness reduced again within seconds and no further signs of awareness were evident, however much time and hopefulness Caroline put into the evaluation of her wife. Gillian stayed beyond her usual leave time, determined to support her stepsister. All facetiousness had now dissipated, and the hardworking farmer had to dig deep to access qualities of wisdom and subtlety.
ooOoo
The surgery to remove the blood clot from Kate's brain had been followed immediately by a caesarean to bring her much wanted child into the world. Unfortunately, the accident had also caused a pelvic fracture and internal bleeding, so the birth had not been without complications and for several days both of their lives hung in the balance. Caroline had dictated from day one that no visitor or member of the hospital staff was to mention Flora in front of Kate. She knew that hearing was considered to prevail when other senses failed, and she was determined to save the woman she loved from any unnecessary distress.