Interlude – Uncertain Inebriation Record (2)
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"What is this?! What is this?!" Leene shouted half in panic, half in delight, but even so her face remained locked in that sallow-eyed listless expression she had cultivated through centuries. She weaved through patterns of balls and rectangular barriers. Flight was a fairy's lifeline, but no one had ever before made *the whole sky itself* a cage!
The patterns spread out in regular, mathematically precise waves. Leene tried to go up, but the spread of energy bullets arrived in staggered lines that forced her to fly in diagonal patterns. She flew nimbly, agile as fightercraft.
And yet she was left with the feeling that while she was completely surrounded by balls of caged plasma, it was fair. There was a way out. One just had to have the skill to seek it out. One just needed to have the nerve to counter-attack. Looking towards the center of the formation, she could see that the bullets never truly permanently blocked the view to Monika and Playa.
Fireball wouldn't work, and her homing rocks were being slapped away by the waves of energy bullets.
"Come, [Ice], wicked flying shards, [Ice Daggers!]" She held her palms out and shot forth rapid streams of ice shards towards the center of the formation, while dodging left and right to slip past incoming bullets. That was the difference between humans and fairies, the fairies didn't need to use wands and magic crystals to amplify their magic power to cast spells.
It was unfortunately pointless since Monika's body was just an illusion cast by a multiple Boom Tube pixel-scale array. Nonetheless, Monika began dodging from side to side, reducing the frequency of the wide-scale bullets and instead sending out a spread of semi-homing rectangular energy bullets.
Leene hissed as a notepad-shaped bullet scraped at her skirt, slashing through but leaving only a deep stinging sensation on her skin. The cut cloth drooped down, exposing her lithe pale thighs.
"Any more than this, and I will be naked," said Leene. "You only had to ask." She posed, showing her exposed flank.
Monika paused the revolution of the bullet hell mandala. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion, refusing to play that mind game.
"Are you imitating my [Program] right now?" Leene switched gears sharply, her eyes still droopy with a sort of subdued fascination.
/"No, I have always been able to do this,"/ answered Monika. /"I must understand fully a Null power first before I can [Decompile] and use it as my own. I have an ability called [Application]. It allows me to utilize completed spells – to store them, to duplicate them, to adjust their outputs, to utilize their outputs as inputs for other spells – but it is not a program. Each spell must first be loaded into memory instead of being a custom instruction set. This is still an incomplete form, basically just chaining spells together with a modification of ballistic output taken from [Earth] magic."/
"So, it's not Turing complete?" Playa asked.
/"Turing completeness is a terrible model for judging a programming language, Player. Technically all a Turing machine needs to be to be able to calculate any operation is a switchboard with infinite memory space. Above that is pushdown automation, above that is a finite-state machine, and then there's combinational logic used for comprehensible coding."/
For while Monika was called evil and murderous, and with godlike control over her virtual world, much of the horror of Doki Doki Literature Club was because she was actually *terrible* at coding. It was only recently that she could read the manuals and course guides from Playa's Doom Archive that she was able to truly study programming principles instead of haphazardly using Ren'Py visual novel script which was itself implemented on top of the complete programming language Python.
"It's just a model~" Playa mumbled aside.
/"snerk*"/, Monika repressed a giggle./"Hold on there, King Arthur. A lot of things are accidentally Turing complete. Dwarf Fortress, for example. So is Minecraft. And Cities Skylines."/
"Well compared to a computer running a Virtual Machine with a full operating system in it, it's much more impressive to create a computer inside a virtual world inside a computer using nothing but dwarves and pistons and magma."
"You two are having such fun over there, but what do dwarves have to do with any of this?" Leene groused and pouted.
"Ah!" Playa turned to look towards her. He was still in that silly belly down, elbows and knees in position, with Monika standing on his back. The bullet hell mandala began to spin again, but did not fire just yet.
"I have a question," said Playa. "Is [Program] capable of creating a memory space for handling variables?"
/"Are you capable of assigning labels into program blocks, and refer to them later as functions? Does [Program] accept IF/THEN/ELSE GOTO statements?"/
Leene blinked. "Are you… talking about [Conditions]? If you are asking if I can permanently inscribe a [Program] into a physical object, then the answer is yes."
"Is it a form of read-only memory, that is – unchangeable once written, or is it random access memory, in which it can be wiped and re-written constantly?"
"... I don't understand what you are referring to, but I feel like it's something I've implemented. Hundreds of years I have spent figuring out the intricacies of what is possible with [Program]. And yet you… you actually know what that means, don't you? You actually understand what I am doing."
In her hundreds of years she had not found anyone she could really discuss the fine points of her power, since in the end all they could do was offer suggestions based on their prior knowledge. Her version of DRAM, for example, was based on scrolls whose contents could be patched over with fresh sheets. Leene's pupils suddenly narrowed into pinpricks. She stood there, frozen in midair like a marionette.
And she whispered huskily "CLEARLY, I MUST HAVE YOU."
"Aww cripes so that's where Charlotte gets that from."
Leene, sacrificing all higher order thought, lunged like a cobra.
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The music changed. The brilliant display had moved on, away from overhead the capital towards the forests. Pink dots rose from the horizon like a sheet of multiple rising suns. Linze winced. "Miss Monika is… angry."
"What's wrong?" Yumina asked. "This music seems much more cheery and friendly than before."
Linze shook her head. "No. This is the music she uses when she really wants to hurt someone."
It was the Doki Doki Literature Club theme.
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- This happy tune
- Carves a fresh wound
- Into my heart
- But in this world of infinite choices
- I won't give my place
- Just to some stupid skank
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"Ahahahaha~! I haven't been ravaged this hard in a long, long time!"
/"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUUT UPPP!"/
"Nyohohoho~!"
Whabooom.
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Monika breathed heavily. While her outside illusionary body lacked lungs, it was but a clone of her true self inside the virtual space of the smartphone. There, she could still get tired. She looked up with glowing green eyes, and spread open her arms. Behind her, lights flared into being, arranged like butterfly wings. And like the monarch butterfly, there were two large dark spots in the middle of each wing.
Down below, lying down flat inside a crater, Leene watched impassively.
The spots opened like great demon eyes. A pair of Boom Tubes in the upper atmosphere collected and cycled photons endless between two points.
"Monika. Stop."
And immediately, all lights winked out. Monika sagged.
She gasped for breath and held up shaking hands. /"What… what was I doing?"/
"You were asserting your dominance," Playa replied gently, patting her shoulder. "You were even T-posing."
/"I was going too far… mad with jealousy… I was really going to aim to kill that time…"/ She put her hands to her face, sobbed, and curled inwards while still hanging in mid-air.
"It's fine. I stopped you didn't I? You know I never really hated this part of you. As long as you don't go too far, I love seeing my wife slap faces. Slap them good." Playa tried to look like he was hugging her, and kissed the mist of her hair. "Crush petty plots and manipulations with pure power."
Monika looked up and smiled wanly. /"Ahaha… perhaps it would have been fun to be reborn as an unwanted young miss in an inner courtyard, but you would have accidentally broken that josei harem drama into full Dragonball."/
"I only have two of them, but make a wish."
Monika snickered. /"You are such a perv~"/
Playa looked like he was supporting Monika's weight, but really his hand was just on her butt. In fact his hand even drifted under her skirt, comfortingly stroking the curve of her glorious behind instead of some bony fairy ass. But sadly, all he was feeling was a faint sense of electrostatic pressure – any more and Monika's illusion would just pop. This was why, no matter how much she wanted to hug him in turn, it was impossible to really be together.
/"It's not enough… my wish… it's painful to always just be just out of reach,"/ Monika murmured into his arms. No matter their power, it was pointless.
"Kuh, kill me…" whispered Leene. She tried to raise her arms but lacked the strength, she flapped about a little in resentment. "Don't just throw dog food down at me, you pair of affectionate curs. This is torture. DAMNED COUPLES, KILL ME."
The two continued to mutter sweet nothings to each other, ignoring all the world.
"I deeply despise this situation," Leene groaned. "Paula, help."
The teddy bear, all the way back in third floor of the palace, looked out the window. It shrugged in a 'Meh' gesture, as if asking 'Just what the hell do you expect me to do?'
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Thunder crashed in a dark cloudless sky. Lightning flashed, but no light could be seen.
In a dark and cold cellar, lit only by a single lamp, a certain fairy was hanging upside down on an X-shaped crossbar. Her skirt was tied up around her knees, ensuring there were no salacious sights. Her arms hung free, but just that little bit away from her fingers touching the ground.
The room itself wasn't perfectly level but slightly tilted to one side. Leene dangled at a slight angle with the floor.
A harsh bright light from the lamp on a table was directed onto her face, hiding her interrogators in the shadows behind the glare. The lamp itself was merely a mirrored half bowl, directing simple light magic with meager warmth.
This was formerly the Balza Mansion, which Playa and Monika had looted and was not stuck halfway in a remote mountain somewhere in Ortlinde territory. They were well outside of Mismede and down in its unused sex dungeon.
"I enjoy this sort of thing, you know." Leene said with a dull stare. "It is a novice that only knows how to give, never to receive."
"Why even are you like this?" Playa groaned and palmed his face. "What makes you think acting like this is in any way attractive to us?"
"If you were a delicious young boy I would certainly act like a cool, approachable older sister type that you can rely upon. Once you are comfortable I would gently lead you to new experiences, new worlds!" Leen replied evenly. "But since I know you are disreputable people like myself, is it not better if we acted with honesty and full appreciation like consenting adults?"
/"We- we are nothing like you!"/ Monika retorted hotly.
"We *are* terrible people though."
/"We aren't terrible in the way that leads to the FBI knocking with their partyvan though."/
"Would you prefer if I acted like this?" Leene leered. Then she began to pout and get teary-eyed and whined in a small voice "Why are you so mean to meeee?"
"Nope." /"Don't you dare."/
"Mister, Mister, listen to me! They carried me away and touched me in bad places! Wuwuwuwuwuwu~…!" Leene began to cry.
Monika began to crack her knuckles. Sure, her holographic body couldn't exactly touch anything, but she had Boom Tubes she could open at the end of her fists, and somewhere there were a set of stone and metal pillars, with varying degrees of padding put on top.
"Stop." Playa's hand briefly showed in the light. "Monika, as much as I'm more than halfway tempted to let you have all your fun, we do have reasons for this interrogation."
Leene scoffed. "Youngsters, do you expect me to talk that easily? I know this whole 'good knight and bad knight routine'."
Playa brought an orange teddy bear out into the light. Paula perked up on seeing its creator and wiggled out to try and reach her. But of course, being held up in the air, it couldn't do so. It looked back into the shadows, then at the hands around its belly, and seemed to look conflicted if it could try to fight its way out.
It experimentally tried to bop the fingers with its soft fingerless paws. Then it shrugged at Leene and relaxed in his grip.
"Do you expect to force my compliance with Paula?" Leene asked archly. Then her tone changed into a frantic pitch. "Then you have guessed correctly! Paula is my pride and joy and my greatest work, do not hurt her!"
Playa put the bear down on the table. "Stay."
Paula stood with arms out to either side, seemingly conflicted if it should make a break for it.
"Do you want to rescue your master?"
Paula nodded again.
"Her well being depends on your cooperation. Don't make any trouble and this can be over soon with no one getting hurt."
Paula nodded again and saluted, Roman style. It sat down obediently.
"Bear even passes the Turing Test. Dammit."
/"The bear can't make vocal responses however. How should that factor?"/
"R2-D2 can't make vocal responses either but we know he could pass the Test. This bear beats Cortana, Siri and Alexa easily."
"What is this Turing you constantly speak of anyway? And those other names you mentioned?" asked Leene.
"Alan Turing was a great mathematician, code breaker, and pioneer of computing. He posited that a machine could be considered intelligent if a human interrogator could not tell its responses apart in conversation from a human being. He even suggested that rather than build a machine that could simulate an adult mind, it was better to produce a simpler one that could simulate a child's mind and give it education. He is known as the father of Artificial intelligence. This is the Turing Test.
"The other names are either fictional examples or attempts at human responsive intelligence. So far none have passed the Turing Test."
"Fascinating. I would like to meet such a man."
"Unfortunately he was harassed to suicide, a genius dead simply because of a thing like homosexuality, in a shameful time in our civilization's history."
"I see. How regrettable. Your lives are short enough. It always saddens me to see it being wasted in making others feel terrible about themselves."
Then her smile widened. "You know… male or female, it doesn't really matter to me."
/"We are much more interested in your bear than you."/
"That is fine too."
Playa exhaled deeply and turned to ask "Paula, what is two plus two?"
The bear quirked its head to the side, and went down to it knees. It tapped the surface four times.
"Paula what is six thousand three hundred thirty five multiplied by six thousand three hundred thirty five?"
The bear looked up sharply, then back to the surface of the table. Then it began to waggle its right paw out angrily, as if to say 'Give me a writing instrument so I can calculate 6335 x 6335, dammit'.
Leene said "Not many people can do long multiplication in their head, you know. Even Paula has to go through the motions to write that out."
"Isn't Paula able to keep things in volatile memory?" Playa asked.
"But then how would we check if the answer is correct?"
/"Very good. I suppose utilizing output as a form of memory storage is a valid way of carrying out a mathematical function. It would be slower than computation, but it's much more life-like, isn't it?"/
"That's half the reason, I admit. I could have changed that once the [Program] was complete, but it felt better this way."
"You know… now that we know that [Program] can be laid onto objects, I'm wondering… why not keep a set of defensive and offensive programs running all the time?"
Monika smiled impishly. /"Have you ever heard of the term… Dynamic Link Libraries?"/
Leene blinked. "A what?"
And then Monika began to explain. Dynamic link libraries, or DLLs, were a collection of small programs and functions that can be loaded by other programs and applications as needed. DLL files are dynamically linked to these programs instead of compiled into one executable. The benefit of using DLLs is that only a small section needs to be loaded into memory as required – for example, a word processing program needs only to load the printer dll when it needs to print.
DLLs can also be updated without affecting other programs. Hence, most device drivers used to control hardware are in the form of .dlls. DLLs help operating systems and programs run faster, use more memory efficiently, and take up less disk space.
/"It would be best to have these libraries close by, in something that has plenty of internal volume for inscription."/
"Something that looks harmless and unimportant. Something that no enemy combatant would deliberately target. Something… that you treat as nothing but a mere toy, instead of a weapon that others might think good to steal."
/"After all, there is no rule that says programs have to be inscribed on hard media, isn't that right? In fact, floppy fabrics and tape would be easier to replace and stitch together changes."/
The bear began to look visibly nervous.
"I would just like you to know that of course Paula has anti-copying measures. Taking her away and opening her up would be like killing the goose that lays the golden eggs. Whether she has a self-destruct system, I will not say," Leene muttered dryly.
The bear raised its paws in despair, as if asking 'Why have you betrayed me, oh pitiless heavens?'
Playa and Monika only laughed.
"No wonder you call Paula your masterwork. You may be annoying, but we respect your accomplishment. Not many people understand programming, so they don't realize just how massive is your achievement. But we do."
/"Not as Leene of the fairies, not as Leene using magic power, but as Leene – founder of [Scripting]."/
Playa and Monika stepped out into the light and gave the upside-down tied-up fairy deep respectful bows. They put their palms over fist like in the old kungfu movies.
"Does this mean you accept becoming my students?"
/"No to the no no to the noth power. No."/
"She figured out programming language from first principles. From nothing. She's seriously impressive."
"Yes, praise me more. Praise meee."
Playa sighed and nursed his forehead. "It's like if Ada Lovelace, world's first computer programmer, was just super annoying."
"Hey. Hey, listen!" said the fairy. "From what I have been hearing, you have assimilated my [Program] already, haven't you? Do you not think I deserve a little compensation?"
"I guess… maybe."
/"Player, I object to this."/
"Matriarch Leene, we can't become your students. I am a leader of my own faction, and there's risk of war with Regulus. I can't just stay around to study – my teacher will have to be the battlefield."
"Then take me with you! You are the most interesting thing I have seen in this past century."
Playa winced.
/"And so what? We are the most interesting thing wherever we go. Why must we take responsibility for relieving your immortal ennui? You speak as if that's anything we haven't seen before. You are leader of your own faction, go do your job!"/
Leene's expression firmed. She spoke in a much more mature tone of voice "I am Matriarch of the Fairy Tribe, yes. But I have also spent hundreds of years in delegating most of the work of this position. I can leave at any time. Is this knowledge not of value?"
"Shite, she's right." Skivving off knowledge was seriously tempting.
/"Player, I would much more happily accept Charlotte, even if your virtue is severely at risk each time you meet, rather than this degenerate old woman."/
Unfortunately Belfast's court magician was actually serious at her job. She was a serious and respectable person… if viewed from afar, at least. Belfast could not afford for her to go gallivanting about on adventures.
"Why is it always Charlotte? Those are just useless bags of meeeeat!" Leene wailed. "Useless meeeat! I'll have you know I'm pretty… tight. Yes. Tight. That's what the young kids say these days, right? I'm totally hip."
/"Shut it, you!"/
"You have already taken so much from me and then you abuse me. This isn't fair. Wuwuwuwu~"
/"What did we leave it so you can't use [Program] anymore? This isn't stealing. It's piracy! Piracy!"/
"You have plundered my booty, will you just leave me raw and shivering? Oh, I am so unfortunate…! Wuwuwuwu~"
/"Player. Please. Just one punch to the face. One punch to the teeth. That's all I ask. I deeply sympathize with Elze now. She has a lot of patience. Looks like she actually does like you a whole lot."/
"Elze is mah bestie."
/"I would feel upset as your wifey can also be your bestie, but then again sometimes you also do severely need a punch to the teeth and I can't quite give that to you."/
"Mah dental magic is best in the world!"
/"Mmm. I wish to inspect that… more closely." She ran her tongue over her own teeth.
"Ugh. Stop. This affection is sickening. My voyeurism has its bottom line too...!" Leene groused.
Monika paused and rubbed her chin in contemplation. Was this just reverse psychology or was it actually an effective means of torture?
/"Player, this decision I leave entirely to you."/
"Would you believe me if I say, war is boring?" Leene said in a serious tone again. "I have seen so many. Even the war against Regulus twenty years ago was nothing more than another turn on an endless wheel. You mortals spend your lives too easily. It keeps repeating, staining the soil red again and again for petty and transient reasons. Your nobles make war to gain glory for themselves, never considering how most of it must be paid by their commoners. Do you also seek to gain your fortune in war?"
Playa shook his head. "We would rather not have war, thank you very much. That's why we're here to potentially create an alliance with Mismede, to deter war with a united front – and if it does happen, that it can be over with quickly."
"I can only do so much as Matriarch. My voice is compelling within Mismede, my power is essential to the war effort. But if you wish to avoid war, then I can do much more outside of the constraints of my position."
/"Yes, that is also the reason why Player has been refusing to accept titles of nobility and fealty."/
"I don't just have ONE Null ability," Leene said suddenly. Sharply. Even upside down, her bearing became noble and proud. This was her bottom line, after this she would no longer negotiate from a position of humility. "I am a being with five elemental affinities and three Null abilities. My second ability is [Protection]. Which protects inanimate objects from physical degradation and extends its lifespan. Paula herself is two hundred years old because of this."
The bear on the table looked up and tried to look young and innocent, falling flat on its back and waving its limbs about like a baby.
Monika winced.
Playa breathed "Shite, that IS useful. That and her [Program]… are super useful."
Monika looked pained. /"Player… again, I leave this decision entirely up to you."/
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