A Clash of NEETs is sponsored by Burger King. Just don't try to wake up with the King unless you want an Explosion. And not just the diarrhea.
Chapter 37: King Me
Though recent storms had dusted the ground with snow and the last harvests had already been gathered in, the day of the Coronation dawned bright and clear. The weather was unseasonably warm, and there were even a few flowers blooming in the godswood, despite the oncoming Winter. Unlike the wedding, however, the Crowning would take place within the Winterfell Sept, with only the highest lords and ladies in attendance, as the building was small. It was vital that Kazuma be crowned King of the Seven Kingdoms, which meant he needed to be crowned in the Light of the Seven by a septa.
Which, incidentally, had Cecily in a bit of a panic.
"But I'm just a regular Axis Septa! I can't crown the king!" she'd argued with Eddard, Catelyn, and Cersei. More than once, actually. Her latest near breakdown was just another symptom of Cecily's increasingly nervous disposition since leaving King's Landing.
"You are the favored of Aqua, are you not? Sent by her to guide the children of Destiny. It is appropriate that you crown the king. We cannot hope that High Septa Charity will withhold her own blessing from Stannis," Cersei had said, drawing herself up to glare down at the shorter septa.
"Cecily, we ask you to do this because you know the will of the Goddesses. Are they opposed to your actions?" Catelyn asked gently, resting a hand on Cecily's arm.
"Um, well, no, they're OK with it, but I mean...I...I'm not a hero or something! I'm just their teacher!" Cecily said, wringing her hands nervously.
"You are a hero, Cecily. Your healing arts saved many lives when we escaped King's Landing," Eddard had said, coming to stand beside his wife. "And you have a deep connection to the Faith through the New Goddesses. Surely your High Septa will understand our pressing need?"
"Can't you have someone else to do it? This isn't like the wedding, anyone can do one of those!" Cecily pleaded.
Cersei shook her head, her lips thinning. "No, to marry the King and Queen is an act that only the High Septa can perform. Yet you did that willingly enough. Why do you balk now?"
"Because...because I know Megumin! And Kazuma! It just felt right to marry them! But...I don't know. What about Iris?"
At the name of the Stormborn, Eddard looked grave, Catelyn looked concerned, and Cersei Lannister grabbed Cecily by her collar and leaned over her, her green eyes smoldering with rage as she leaned in to Cecily.
"You mark me, Septa. You WILL crown my son and his queen. Is it not enough for you that your own Goddess has manifested and declared him her 'best bud?' Kazuma WILL be king, and-"
Cersei cut off, blinking in surprise as Cecily was now pressing herself close to the Dowager Queen, breathing hard, face flushed, and a stupid grin on her face. Cecily managed to swallow and croak out a, "Yeah?"
"You will crown the king and queen. Understood?" Cersei growled, not backing away.
"I, um...yes," Cecily agreed, her voice rather husky.
"Good." Cersei pulled away, smoothing out her dress. "Serve my son well, and you will be rewarded, Cecily. He will rule the Seven Kingdoms. No matter what Stannis, dark gods, or mad witches say." With that, Cersei spun about and stalked out of the room, leaving a flustered Cecily alone with the Starks.
Cecily set about straightening her clothes, humming to herself and peering after Cersei.
"You will do it then?" Eddard demanded, trying to ignore Cecily's antics.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Man. What a woman."
"Cecily," Catelyn snapped. "Mind yourself. Cersei is in mourning for her husband yet. Do not try your tricks on her."
"Yeah, yeah. But she'd like it if I crowned Kazuma, right?" Cecily asked absently.
Eddard let out a groan, but Catelyn nodded. She knew how to play Cecily, and had been doing so for years. After all, Cecily was the only teacher who had ever managed to put up with Megumin. As a bonus, she was even fairly skilled as an educator. "Yes, Cecily. Very much so. And she did say you would be rewarded. Just think of how grateful Cersei would be."
"Right! I, um, I'll get right on that. Oh man, I hope Charity understands...I'm going to make Rista tell her it's OK." And with that particular bit of pseudo blasphemy, Cecily left Catelyn and Eddard alone, thoughts of... you know what, you figure it out. I'm not printing that.
With the other two gone, Catelyn looked to her husband, sagging slightly and resting a hand on her prominent abdomen. The child was yet weeks away, but Bran would be a large child when he came. "Seven help me, Ned. Sometimes I think I should convert to your faith, until I remember that your gods walk among us as our children's pet wolves."
"I don't think they're pets, my heart," Eddard said, drawing Catelyn close. "But it is good that Cecily has agreed to the crowning. My own bannermen are not overly fond of the Southron religion by and large, but it will win us allies to have Megumin and Kazuma crowned by a priestess of the New Goddesses."
"I'm surprised the boy has insisted that Megumin be crowned alongside him. That is not when I would expect from most men," Catelyn admitted.
"No. But he has a mind for politics. It will win him the loyalty of the North, to have Megumin as his near equal. And, when she displays her talents in the open, it will give the move legitimacy. Though I fear it may cost him some of the more traditional lords in the Vale and Reach," Eddard sighed.
"Do you think we can win, Ned? I have heard your tales of our daughters' abilities, but... Edmure has not firmly committed to us. And Stannis seems to have all but the Westerlands and the Iron Islands firmly at his side, even with the Tyrell girl marrying Robb."
"Stannis's alliance is a fragile one. He will be accused of kinslaying, even if I do not think he killed Robert. That seems to have been a natural death. And while Stannis is a capable general, he is a man with few friends. Kazuma is unknown, true, but I am not. I have heard from the Royces in the Vale. They are uncertain of their commitment to Stannis through Lysa. She is his widow, but Jon died without a clear heir: Sylphina is sickly and a girl. Harrold Hardyng is seen as a preferable choice to inherit, perhaps by wedding the girl, young as she may be."
"And if the Targaryens press their claims?" Catelyn took her husband's hands, putting them over her womb as their son shifted.
"Are you worried about Jon?" Eddard asked, feeling a bit of dread in his stomach. His wife had never been fond of their nephew, mostly because she had long thought him Eddard's bastard. Knowing the truth had softened her attitude somewhat, but the history between them was bitter.
Catelyn was silent for a moment, then asked, "What if we were to reveal who he was? Do you think he would swear loyalty to Kazuma and Megumin? You say they know the truth."
"He would be seen as an oathbreaker. He is sworn to the Watch now, and he is not the heir of House Targaryen. Viserys is, or failing that, the Stormborn. I know only a little, but the Chosen of Athena is widely respected, even here in the North, for her prowess in battle. If she picks now to press her claim... then our worst fears will be realized. But Jon is not the answer."
Catelyn nodded, still looking pensive. "I would never have thought we must look to the Lannisters for allies. Yet here we are. You must move soon, Ned. I would accompany you South to speak with Edmure myself, but…"
"Lady and Chomusuke seem firm in their belief that for the health of our child and our bond with the Old Gods, you must remain here, my love. There is still much you can do. Strengthen our ties with Cersei and her children. We won the last war, but failed to win the peace. This time must be different."
With that, both of them had matters to attend to now that Cecily's nerves were soothed. Or at least her appetites engaged. The royal pair had to be dressed properly for the ceremony, which to Megumin's delight and Kazuma's irritation involved being girded for war.
"How come I can't wear full plate?! If I'm going to be queen, I should be a knight in armor, like Brienne or Darkness!" Megumin argued as she was dressed in leather and fur dyed in yellow and black to befit her new house.
"Because it would take too long to outfit you with plate, Megumin," Yunyun informed her as she and Lady helped dress the new queen, the servants having been mostly chased away when Megumin started waving about her sword in excitement earlier. "Plus, this is much prettier."
"I don't want to be pretty, I want to be a knight! And since I'm the queen, people have to do what I say!" Megumin argued.
"If only that were true," Cersei said as she stepped into the room. Eddard and Jaime were seeing to Kazuma, and the king's dressing room was no place for a woman, especially not his mother.
Megumin flushed at the dowager queen's words, looking down. "Well, maybe if you had full plate they would have."
"Mayhaps. At least Robert might have been more interested in me," Cersei said, coming over to Megumin. She reached down, adjusting her thick boar's hide mantle. It looked a bit oversized on the younger woman, but it did help make her look larger which Megumin heartily approved of.
"Do you think... Kazuma will be a good husband, right?" Yunyun asked, rubbing her hands nervously.
"He'd better be, or he shall taste my blade," Megumin declared darkly.
"I like Kazuma!" Lady giggled, standing from adjusting the straps on Megumin's boots. "I think he'll be a good husband. And don't worry, Chomuskuke will bite him if he's not!"
"He usually does a good job," Chomusuke agreed, idly leaning against the wall and examining her claw like nails. "And if not, well, you do remember how to cast Explosion now, right?"
"Of course! Um, mostly. But for Kazuma, I would make it only a small one. He's not too bad most of the time," Megumin said, giving Cersei a smile.
The Dowager Queen returned the smile, bending down to kiss Megumin on the forehead. "I think you shall do quite well, daughter. My son has a good heart, but needs someone to motivate him. Just beware your small clothes. And make sure he ceases that habit."
"I've already warned him what will happen if he tries that again," Megumin said, her red eyes flashing dangerously.
Cersei sighed and shook her head. Privately, she wondered how her son had ended up so much like Robert. Perhaps the boy had tried too hard to emulate his "father." Still, it was for the best, and she managed to nod to Megumin.
"You will be a wonderful queen. When I was a girl, I was told that one day, another queen would come, younger and more beautiful than I and take my place. For many years, I feared that day, but now that it is here, I am glad. You will be a better queen than I, Megumin, and more beautiful as well."
"You think I'm beautiful?" Megumin blurted, going as red as her eyes. "N-not even Kazuma has told me that…" She glanced down at her own bosom, then at Cersei's much fuller figure.
"Breasts do not a beauty make," Cersei said with a smile. "And you are young yet. I did not fill out until I was fourteen. Until then, I was a stick of a girl. Ask Ser Jaime, he will confirm it for you. As for my son... he is young yet to think of beautiful women, despite his proclivities. But I shall remind him a woman likes to be complimented."
"What was your secret?! Did you drink lots of milk?! Is there some magic potion that gives you great big-"
The door opened, and Megumin cut herself off as her mother entered the room. However, the way she had been holding her hands and both her and Yunyun's expressions told Catelyn everything she needed to know about what her daughter had been asking about.
"You are not yet a woman grown, Megumin. Give it time. As for today, you look every inch a queen," Catelyn said as Cersei stood.
"She is a beauty already. In time, she shall make men weep," Cersei agreed.
"Probably because she kicked them in the balls," Chomusuke drawled, making Yunyun and Lady squawk and Cersei and Catelyn develop a sudden cough, while Megumin grinned wickedly.
"Yes! I shall be both a beauty, and a fearsome warrior! For I am MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GENIUS OF HOUSE STARK. Um, I mean, Baratheon."
"It took me some time to recall I was a wolf and not a trout," Cateyln managed, dabbing at her eye.
"Yes, well, mom, Cersei told me this INCREDIBLE dark prophecy!" Megumin declared as her mother began to usher her towards the sept. "She said I was going to be beautiful, like her, and you! And since you both have-"
"Megumin!" Yunyun gasped, hurrying forward. "T-that's not-Cersei said there's more to beauty than that!"
"Easy for you to say!" Megumin huffed. "You-"
"Lady, Chomusuke, will you take my daughters to the sept. Cersei and I will be along in a moment," Catelyn said. "Try not to let them get into a fight."
"I know a paralysis spell," Chomusuke said, coming forward and grabbing Megumin. "Come on. You'd think you'd get over this eventually, but it's the same way every life. Just relax. Kazuma likes women with-"
Whatever Chomusuke had been about to say was censored by Catelyn pushing the door closed. She turned to Cersei, looking worried and a bit angry. "A prophecy? About my daughter? From who? A Fortuna?"
"It was about me, and...no," Cersei admitted. She looked slightly guilty, but then continued, "A witch. We called her Maggie the Frog. She was Esossi. Now that I am older and wiser, I think perhaps she was one of the Red God's priests, or had been. She fled one day when some of the Faith Militant came looking for her. But her fortellings were as good as a Fortuna's, most of the time."
"What was the Prophecy? If it concerns my daughter, I would hear all of it," Catelyn said, stepping close and lowering her voice.
Cersei licked her lips. "I would be queen. And another would come, younger and more beautiful, to cast me down and take all that I hold dear. Once I feared it, but... now I think perhaps it is coming true. Megumin shall take what I hold most dear from me: my son. But I give him willingly."
"I see." Catelyn let out a long slow breath. "The Lord of Light is fickle and wicked, as we all learned in the septs. His words are twisted and evil. He sought to turn you against us."
"Yes. It is fortunate I have seen through his lies. I hold Megumin no animosity," Cersei said smoothly. Catelyn nodded, then opened the door. Together, they walked towards the sept, talking of their hopes for the future.
Cersei very carefully did not mention the rest of Maggy the Witch's prophecy: That she would outlive her children. And that she would die by the hands of the little brother. She caught sight of Tyrion, walking with Kazuma's party towards the sept, and forced herself to smile. She would ensure that particular part of the prophecy did not come true. She'd killed before. Filiacide would be a first, but for Tyrion, she'd happily learn if it would save Kazuma.
As for Kazuma, he was striding along, sweating despite the cool air and trying to look kingly. He absently rubbed at his face, wondering when he'd grow a beard like Robert had. He tried puffing out his chest and strutting like Jaime did, then glanced at Eddard, who lacked the confident swagger of Kazuma's supposed uncle, but his calm, serious air gave him a presence that other men lacked. When Kazuma tried to look dour, he heard a laugh, and glanced over at Tyrion, who was grinning at him.
"Nephew, if you insist on strutting like a cat while looking as though you've been sucking on a lemon, you'll frighten poor Septa Cecily away before she ever places your crown upon your head."
"Sorry," Kazuma muttered, slouching slightly and running his hand through his blond hair again.
"Don't apologize! You're the king! You're supposed to scowl and tell me you're doing it on purpose," Tyrion said in a mock serious tone.
"Leave the poor lad alone, brother. He's got enough on his mind today," Jaime said, scowling down at the dwarf.
"It's OK," Kazuma said, managing to crack a grin. "He's just trying to cheer me up. I dunno, I thought after the wedding I'd be fine, but…"
"It is good you take your duty so seriously, your grace," Eddard said. "To be king is a weighty duty."
"Just be sure you don't end up as weighty as your father," Tyrion advised, which did get Kazuma to chuckle.
Then he paused, looking around at his three father figures. "You think...you think I'll really be a good king?"
"I know you will, Kazuma. It will be nice to serve a man I can be proud of for a change," Jaime said, giving him a smile. "Having to cover for Robert's indiscretions against my own sister was... difficult. As for Aerys, well, the best thing I can say about Robert is he never tried to sacrifice his own people to the Red God."
Kazuma nearly tripped over his cloak he stopped so quickly, while Eddard and Tyrion's heads snapped around.
"Aerys did WHAT?!" Kazuma demanded, whirling on Jaime.
"Ah. I suppose I should tell you, your Grace, as I did Robert when he became king. But, Aerys Targaryen planned to offer all of King's Landing as a sacrifice to the Lord of Light by using Wildfire to immolate the entire city. When I learned of it...That was when I killed him, and the Red Priest who served him. I know I broke my oaths to do so, but I also swore oaths to the Seven Goddesses. Sometimes… you must choose which promises to keep."
Jaime shifted nervously as the three other men gaped at him. The scene was interrupted when Megumin stormed up and grabbed Kazuma, spinning him around. "Do you think I'm beautiful!?"
"I…" Kazuma swallowed nervously, but did manage to see Eddard unfreeze. The older man was nodding and mouthing "yes," so Kazuma managed, "Yes, of course. You're the most beautiful queen in the entire land."
That was when Kazuma saw his mother coming down the hall. He went red as Megumin smirked, but he took a deep breath. "I, um, I mean that. S-sorry, mom. I mean, you're pretty and all, but...I think Megumin is way cuter than you are."
"That is only appropriate," Cersei agreed, looking rather amused. "Come. It is nearly time. We would not wish to be late to your own crowning."
Kazuma took the lead with Megumin at his side, but glanced back at Jaime. There had to be some way to use the knowledge that mad Aerys had been in cahoots with the Red Priests. Especially if Iris Targaryen was going to start pressing her own claim, but he didn't have time to think about that.
A carpet of flowers and grass had grown between the Winterfell Keep and the sept, helpfully provided by Lady and Yunyun. The display of magic had shocked a number of people, from servants to nobility, as the Old Goddess and her partner had chanted spells and caused the churned earth to bloom and grow in minutes. As it had been Yunyun who had done it, however, most of the residents of Winterfell had just decided that Yunyun had made friends with the very earth itself, which was now blooming in thanks. This actually wasn't that far off the mark, as Yunyun and Lady's particular brand of growth magic did involve communing with earth spirits, which of course meant Yunyun had made even more friends.
As Kazuma and Megumin walked towards the Sept, various soldiers, servants, and minor nobility knelt by the path. Ser Barristan and the remaining Kingsguard fell in behind Kazuma. Their ranks had been thinned with the deaths of Ser Mandon and Ser Greenfield during the flight from King's Landing, but two new recruits had joined them: Brienne and Lyra Mormont. Kazuma had thought it a brilliant stroke both for Gender Equality and to show his appreciation of the Northern houses to appoint Lyra, while Brienne was a natural choice after her victory in the Hand's Melee.
Once in the Sept, Kazuma came to a stop, looking down the aisle to where Cecily and several other septas and septons waited in their formal robes. He swallowed, feeling nervous and uncertain. This made becoming king seem all too real. Was this a good idea? Should he wait until he had the Iron Throne?
Then Kazuma felt a hand grab his, and he looked over at Megumin, who smiled at him. She looked a bit paler than usual, even her typical exuberance dampened for the moment. Together, the two of them knelt on the steps before Cecily, who began the ceremony.
"We are gathered here, in the Light of Goddesses Old and New, to Crown Kazuma Baratheon, the First of his Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, and with him his Queen, Megumin Baratheon, as Protectors of the Realm, granted this mandate by the will of the Seven Goddesses."
As Cecily spoke, there was a gasp, and Kazuma and Megumin were bathed in rainbow light, the very air shimmering slightly. For a moment, Kazuma thought he could see Mizu and Chris standing behind Cecily, only for them to vanish. He blinked, realizing that had to have been Aqua and Eris. He swallowed, and did his best to say his oaths, starting with, "I, Kazuma Baratheon, Swear to uphold the Laws of the Realm, to be the mortal ruler of the realms of men by the will of the Goddesses…"
The ceremony was long and complicated, even though it was held in the tiny Winterfell Sept instead of the traditional Great Sept of Balor. At the end of it all Cecily placed the crowns upon Kazuma and Megumin's heads, worked in gold and silver in the shape of stag antlers and swords. Everyone knelt to the new rulers of Westeros.
Which was when both of them popped up and pulled on their eye patches.
"BEHOLD! WE ARE KAZUMA AND MEGUMIN BARATHEON, RULERS OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS AND CHAMPIONS OF JUSTICE!"
By this point, everyone somewhat expected this display, though Yunyun and Komekko cheered loudly and enthusiastically. Even better, Jon Umber was heard to rumble, "You know, I quite like this Southron King. Really understands Northern Culture, he does."
Thus was it that the reign of Kazuma and Megumin began, and the deadly Chuuni Disease took deep root in the North.
After the crowning there was, of course, a parade through Wintertown for all the troops to hail their new king. This time there were plenty of cheers for both Kazuma and Megumin, as well as shouts of "DOWN WITH STANNIS!"
After that, there was time for one last great feast before the host departed South. This time the feast was held outdoors, thanks to the unseasonably warm weather (which had Chomuske and Lady looking somewhat smug). Kazuma did his best to schmooze with the various Northern nobles, even as torches had to be lit thanks to the rapidly shortening days. Some of the Northern lords seemed to imbibe just a bit too much in their celebration of the new king, including Lord Cerwyn.
"All I'm saying is, the Starks seem to be looking to the South for their sons and daughters of late," Medger said just a bit too loudly to lord Karstark. "I hope that the Starks haven't forgotten they are of the North. Can't let our blood run too thin."
"Are you disparaging my bride, Medger?" Robb growled, whirling as his eyes glowed yellow in the dim light.
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it," Lord Cerwyn sneered. "She's far too delicate of a lady."
"What?" Darkness said, blinking and coming to stand beside Robb, who she was still a few fingers taller than. "Delicate? Me?"
"You're pretty enough, Lady Stark, but you lack the fire of a real northern woman, like my Jonelle," Medger said with a shrug. "I don't begrudge a man a pretty wife, but you're no match for a true Northman."
"She saved my life, you oaf! I should-" Robb snarled, but Darkness put his hand on his shoulder.
"My Lord husband, I request your leave to challenge this fool to a duel to defend the honor of House Stark!" Darkness growled, sounding nearly as feral as Robb had.
"You seek to have me beat your wife for you, Stark? Perhaps you deserve this Southron fool," Medger laughed.
Robb growled, his teeth lengthening, and Medger jerked back, but Eddard stepped forward, resting a hand on both Darkness and Robb's shoulders. Robb slumped while Darkness wilted, both looking guilty. "Yes, father, I know, I should-"
"Lord Cerwyn, are you too frightened to answer this knight's challenge? Or had you not heard that Robert knighted my daughter in law?" Eddard said in a loud voice.
"I place no value in these Southron knights. We killed enough of them the last time we went south," Cerwyn laughed. "Ned, you would really-"
"Answer me, Medgar. Do you refuse this knight's challenge?" Eddard repeated. Robb looked a bit baffled, but Darkness was looking positively eager.
"Fine! But don't blame me if I leave the fool girl bloodied!" Lord Cerwyn declared, and everyone began to step back.
"Try not to kill him," Eddard said quietly to Darkness. "It will be good to show my lords that you are no blushing girl, but having one of my lords dead on the eve of our march south would be an ill omen."
"And don't get off on it," Chris hissed, appearing next to Darkness and making both her and Eddard jump in surprise, though Robb seemed to have known she was there. "You've got to impress these idiots, not make them think you're a pervert!"
"Chris, please. That's what Robb is for. He is able to satisfy my every need. Though I will not deny I shall enjoy this," Darkness said, and ripped her gown with a swift motion, kicking off her shoes, and catching the sword that Brienne tossed her. "And I shall try not to kill him. Even if he is very rude."
Darkness and Medgar squared off, only for Kazuma to interrupt the duel. "My lords! This duel seems mightily unfair to me! It displeases my queen and I."
Lord Cerwyn sneered, until Megumin piped up, "Yes! It's hardly fair to have just one man fight Darkness. He's not even in armor. Cley! Pick up your sword and help your father. He should not stand alone."
"My Queen!" Cley protested. "Two on one is hardly fair."
"I agree it's not sporting at all," Tyrion called. "Lord Harrion, would you be willing to take arms to aid your fellow Northmen?"
Harrion Karstark looked surprised, glancing to Eddard and his father for confirmation.
"I think it would even the odds somewhat," Eddard agreed. "Harrion, Cley, stand with Lord Cerwyn."
The two younger men dubiously drew their swords and moved to stand by an incredulous Medgar. There were mutters of shock and disapproval from the crowd, until Dacey Mormont burst out laughing.
"I'd offer to help you, Lady Stark, but I doubt you'll need anything but assistance finding these fools teeth when you're done. Try not to ruin Harrion's face: I'm somewhat fond of it."
That was when Medgar looked at Darkness, and realized her face wasn't flushed out of fear: She looked positively delighted. He dimly recalled hearing something about her fighting in a tourney, and winning, as well as saving Robb from someone called "The Mountain." He had just enough time to realize that he had, perhaps, made a slight error in judgement, when Darkness charged.
She didn't bother with using any of her rather unique abilities, or even her borrowed sword. She just ran straight at the three men, a delighted grin plastered on her face. In shock, Harrion brought his sword up in a move that should have run Darkness through, only for there to be a loud snapping sound as the blade shattered on her sternum. Darkness's blade, however, did not snap as she slapped the flat of it into Harrion's side, sending him flying into a table with a loud crash.
Shocked, Medgar slashed at Darkness's side, but his sword simply cut her dress, then bounced off her skin. His last conscious thought for the evening before Darkness headbutted him was that there was no way she could have on plate with such a thin garment on. Then Darkness broke his nose, and Medgar collapsed.
At seeing his friend and father dispatched nearly in an instant, Cley decided to take things seriously. He tried to dance away from Darkness, his blade flicking out to take her in the shoulder. At seeing this, Darkness eagerly threw her shoulder into the path of the sword, breaking it and putting another hole in her dress. Cley held up his shattered weapon, a dumbfounded expression on his face, which remained when Darkness's fist shot out and caught him in the stomach. With a dry retching sound, Cley fell to the dirt atop his father, unable to breath.
"I, um, I don't think I killed them?" Darkness said into the stunned silence.
"Oh Seven Hells, I leave you all alone for five minutes and you're already knocking people about!" Cecily cried, darting out of a dark alcove and adjusting her robes as someone giggled in the darkness behind her. She hurried to the defeated lords, muttering a few spells. A moment later she stood, shaking her head and dusting her hands. "Well, they'll live, but they need rest. Be more gentle, Darkness. You're lucky you found a husband as durable as you are. Otherwise you could get in serious trouble."
With that, Cecily hurried back to her dark corner, leaving Darkness panting and looking slightly disappointed. Eddard Stark, a neutral expression on his face, turned to the flabbergasted lords.
"Does anyone else doubt my wisdom in choosing a bride for my son?"
No one moved, until Robb grabbed Darkness and pulled her into a kiss. "You were amazing."
"I...I did try not to kill them," Darkness panted. "I do enjoy, um…" She looked to Eddard Stark, then mimed a yawn. "I'm tired. What about you?"
"Tired of this feast," Robb agreed, and the two love sick nigh-invulnerable idiots hurried off, hardly able to keep their hands off one another.
"Well, Stannis is fucked," the Greatjon laughed. "A queen who can blow up a ship, and a lady who can't be harmed! I almost feel sorry for the bastard!"
At that, the party resumed with wild abandon. What could possibly stop them now? They had a good feeling about this.
Cast of Characters:
Kazuma and Megumin as: The Royal Chuuni Brigade (just imagine the children…)
Cersei as: Only slightly evil.
Eddard and Catelyn Stark as: Not the parents you deserve but the parents you need.
Robb and Darkness as: Lifetime sentence to horny jail.
And the cast of A Song of Ice and Fire as having a disease, and the only cure is more moe.