A/n There are A LOT of flashbacks in this one, but this is a one off. It will become apparent as to why.

I found this chapter particularly difficult to write because of the structure but I hope it is okay to follow!

/

Therapy – The CBI Family

There was a time when he thought he would never have any sort of family again. With his wife and daughter dead he couldn't return to the carny life, not only did he think he wouldn't be welcome, but he also simply didn't want to. They had worked so hard to escape it in the first place, going back to it would feel like some kind of betrayal to his late wife. So instead, he spiralled, alone, until he was locked away into some psychiatric facility and Doctor Sophie Miller had to save him from himself. He liked her. They definitely formed a bond but that's because he had no-one else. Not until he joined the CBI anyway.

He never thought that he would become a helping hand for the police, it went against his roots, but he was so desperate to bring justice for his family that he didn't care. Despite his best efforts to keep his colleagues at an arm's length and to remain focussed on his own cause, as time passed it became apparent to him that they were now his family. Although it took a few years for him to reach that particular conclusion. "How long did you work for the CBI for?" Jane's therapist asks as he nurses a cup of tea. He definitely seems more relaxed today with her, in a better mood, but that could be down to the fact he found out yesterday that he and Lisbon are having a baby boy. They're going to have a son.

"About a decade… it took longer than expected to find Red John and to bring him down."

"And when you say bring him down…?"

He pauses for a few seconds and just blinks back at the redhead who has halted in her notebook scribbling, eagerly waiting for his response. She knows the answer of course, but he needs to say it. She wants to see if he is at all remorseful for his actions or if he accepts what he did to be right. "Yes, I-I killed him." He doesn't seem sorry but the slight stutter in his voice shows her that it doesn't define him, he is not a cold-hearted killer like Red John was.

"And was he the first person you killed?" He stares at the liquid in his mug with a sigh.

No, Patrick Jane has taken four lives in his time and despite them all being awful people who committed terrible atrocities doesn't mean it sits easy with him. If he thinks about it too much though he will fall into a pit of despair and that wouldn't be good for him, and it certainly would not be good for Lisbon. "No, I've killed four people." Doctor Bailey cannot hide her clear surprise. "Dumar Tanner, Timothy Carter, Oscar Cordero and Thomas McAllister." She is very rarely lost for words but her only previous clients with blood on their hands were soldiers suffering with PTSD. Her current patient is certainly not a solider.

"Patrick… if I may ask-" He nods and leans back in the leather armchair, deciding that perhaps it isn't as uncomfortable as he previously thought. "If you killed four men, how are you not in jail?"

It is a good and fair question, considering she has just found out that her client has murdered four people she seems relatively calm. "Tanner was going to shoot my now wife, so it was self-defence, and I was found not guilty for Carter's murder – a long story – Cordero and McAllister, I made a deal with the FBI hence why I am a free man."

Jane goes to open his mouth to say something else but then closes it again, as it really dawns on him that he's taken four lives away. He's spent so much of his own life chasing after bad guys and helping law enforcement put them behind bars. He could have so easily been one of them, and if that was his fate then he would likely not be with Lisbon, and they certainly would not be married with a baby on the way. "Let's talk about this, Patrick." Dr Bailey requests. "Tell me about Tanner."

Dumar Tanner a.k.a. Sheriff Ted Hardy now lies, handcuffed to a stretcher, being overseen by cops whilst a medic treats his minor facial injuries from the scuffle that happened only minutes before. Lisbon is upset, upset and angry at her consultant because despite the fact they've just saved a life, he is mad and dejected. "Can't you see there's people who care about you, who need you? You're being selfish and childish, and I want you to stop it." She is almost pleading him, her voice overwrought with emotion as she is close to begging.

"I wish that I could, but you know some things you just can't fix. Needn't be angry, it's just the way of the world." Sometimes she thinks that she understands him and that they're good friends, but when his mind becomes clouded with his need to seek vengeance, he suddenly becomes a stranger.

"We still have Hardy. He's going to talk. He's gonna give us Red John."

"Right. We have Hardy. Yes."

"We saved a life."

"Yes, we did. We did. Hooray for us." His sarcasm infuriates her, and she realises that nothing she can say in this moment will make him understand. He's been blinded by his own cause. Instead, she leaves him be, in search for their victim so she can do her best to comfort her.

Jane takes a few minutes to collect his thoughts. He knows that he has hurt her, his behaviour has caused her anguish and that's the last thing he wanted to do. She is right, they do have Tanner and he will know something that will lead them to Red John. After brushing himself down, he joins his colleagues outside and although he won't apologise to the brunette – his pride getting in the way – he will make sure she knows that he is regretful.

But then he sees Tanner. His eyes open and he is discretely trying to source a handcuff key from his uniform pocket, and the mentalist is finding a shotgun.

When their felon shoots a guard and aims his firearm at Lisbon, the consultant doesn't even hesitate. The noise of the gun is harsh against his ears, and he watches the man almost go flying.

"It was the first time I acknowledged to myself that I cared about the team, and I would prioritise them over my cause." He admits to his therapist who nods in understanding as she thinks she starts to comprehend her latest patient. The man sat before her may have killed four people, but he isn't a monster. Some would say perhaps the deaths at his hands came out of love. His love for his family and for his friends.

The last thing he wants is for the people he cares about to be in danger. Especially Teresa.

"I don't... I don't know where I went. I can't remember." Lisbon panics, still under a hypnotic spell with the curly-haired man sat in front of her, trying to work out how or why she can't remember what she did the night William McTeer was murdered. "I don't know where I went."

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." He attempts to calm her, as he puts his hand on her forehead to bring her out of the trance.

"I can't remember."

"It's a little weird." He murmurs with a sigh, and she stands up, obviously agitated whilst feeling embarrassed that she let him inside her head.

…

"Lisbon, you need my help?" He teases with a smile, lounging on his couch with his phone lazily pressed against his ear.

"I need your help finding a bomb." She clarifies, and his eyes open quickly, and he swears his heart skips a beat. Immediately he is on edge and has this overwhelming need to save her, but he's miles away and there is no time. "There's still time. You're good at this kind of thing. If we find the bomb intact, maybe we can still get rid of it."

"What, are you nuts? What do you want to do that for? It's a bomb. Just get out of there." He nearly begs, and he will if he must, no longer caring about his pride. Only about her.

…

"Lisbon, I'm sorry. This is my fault. I will not let you burn alive, as God is my witness."

…

Time is running out. Donny Culpepper is in a holding cell downstairs and shortly he will reveal all, dobbing Jane in it, saying that it was he who hired him to break into Laroche's house. The mentalist has finally – after spending the weekend hiding his actions and trying to find a way out of the predicament that he has made for himself – explained the situation to his partner who is appalled but also is slowly understanding the more he talks. "Why didn't you tell me about this earlier?" She asks him, feeling a little hurt that he hadn't trusted her with this information before now.

"I don't want to put you in danger." He states earnestly, letting his walls down for a brief moment to the brunette who is already working out what she can do to help.

"You're an idiot. I will fix this, but we are gonna have a serious talk after."

…

"It's kind of an iffy area. You have, uh, plenty of harpoons?"

"I've got a few 9-mm ones. If it looks hinky, I'll call for backup."

She didn't call for backup, but he went anyway and when he arrives at Windsor High School, seeing her car out front, a sense of dread overtakes him. It turns out his gut is right and when she finds her, knocked out in a locker-room with a bomb strapped to her, the same technology that killed a man barely days before, he is almost sick. His feelings for her are unaddressed but in this moment he knows how much she means to him and the thought of leaving her is… non-existent.

Suddenly it is like his cause, his crusade, doesn't matter. Only she does.

…

Jane got it wrong, Bertram isn't Red John's man, it is the man Grace Van Pelt is due to marry in only a few weeks. "Jane, I can't hear you. What?"

"O'Laughlin. Red John's man is O'Laughlin." But it is too late. He hears the gunshot and things start to move in slow motion. Is she? No. She can't be dead.

Hearing her gasp for breath after what seems like an eternity of him repeatedly saying her name is more than a relief, it is a miracle. "O'Laughlin's dead. I'm wounded, but I'm okay." His breaths are heavy, almost as heavy as her pained ones, and his mind scrambles for what to do next.

…

Tommy Volker. A millionaire business mogul who appears to have many dodgy dealings and a trail of corpses following him around. Lisbon has made it her mission to take him down, it has become personal, she needs to nail him. Her consultant who has been little to no help on this particular case thanks to his own obsessions is starting to be concerned for his partner. It has definitely begun to affect her. "I'm just a little worried that he's inside your head. And believe me, that's not a good road to go down. Bad neighbourhood."

"I think you can understand, I don't really have a choice."

"Well, yeah, I can certainly understand that. I just..." He trails off, trying to find the words he needs but struggling. "I-I want you to be careful." He needs for her to be careful. Jane may have been a bit absent as of late, but he cares for her dearly.

"He may be powerful, but he is not invincible. And he's not in my head."

"I hope not. If you need my help, let me know."

"I've seen Teresa's safety get compromised all too often and now it's all I think about when she is at work." His confession is probably the most open and honest he has been with the psychiatrist as of far, and as soon as it comes out of his mouth, he is feeling awkward and averts his eyes. "It's the main reason why she wants me to talk to you I suppose."

It isn't fair, he knows that, to carry all this baggage and put it on her. She has had her own issues to deal with in her own life and she tried so hard to get past them, to progress in her life and she did that through her career… and now his moods and attitudes are hindering that. It isn't right. Agent Teresa Lisbon is too good at her job for him to make her stop it, even if he does just have her safety in mind.

Dr Bailey observes his mental battle, it is the flicker of his blue eyes and the tensing of his hands that give his internal struggle away. She comprehends that he is coming to a few realisations on his own and although it is her job to help him in the process, sometimes it is good and beneficial to be able to do it by yourself. So instead, she moves the conversation along. "Tell me about your other CBI colleagues."

Jane didn't know what to make of the stoic Agent Kimball Cho at first. There was no doubt that he was good at his job, and he was sure that he had some immoral history that he was trying to escape from, but he was so difficult to read. However, his seriousness didn't mean that he lacks a sense of humour. He is really funny at times and entertained the whole unit especially when throwing jibes at Rigsby. The mentalist was glad to be able to work with him again, he's a great friend and did let him run riot at times, so that was even better.

Wayne Rigsby followed the rules to the letter when the consultant first joined the unit. His sole passion was his job, doing well in it and eating all sorts of questionable food from trucks on the way. That was until a certain junior agent joined the team and then a lot of his time was spent fawning over their newest recruit. It was painful to watch on occasion but also very amusing, and he was all too frequently teased about his failed flirtations by both Jane and Cho. Eventually he and Van Pelt found their happiness after a pretty rocky start.

Grace Van Pelt was naïve when she started working at the CBI, but she was always hardworking, and they got to witness her blossom into one of the best agents in the state. Her technology skills are quite something and she would make it all look effortless, when he knew that it was definitely not. She managed to survive the trauma of her fiancé being Red John's man and came back stronger, having a new understanding of his revenge mission.

They were, are, all very loyal.

They put everything they had on the line for him, to get Red John, more than once and he is thankful for that and also relieved that now they all seem to be doing well and thriving. All three of them deserve happiness for their selflessness that lasted years and years. They're good people and are like family to him. He finds himself smiling at the thought, almost forgetting his company, until she starts to converse once more. "Going back to our earlier topic of conversation, you've talked about the death of-" She glances down at her notebook for reference. "Tanner and I am sure we will talk in depth about what went down between yourself and Thomas McAllister, but do you want to talk about the other two?"

"I don't know that you really are Red John." He hopes he is, so this can all end now, the years of obsession can be put behind him and the consequences don't matter. Not to him anyway.

"Fair enough." Is his reply. "Your wife was very clean. She smelled like coal-tar soap and lavender. Your daughter smelled like sweat... and strawberries and cream. I expect it was some kind of kids' shampoo." Timothy Carter is Red John.

Or that's what he thought. "Must have been unsettling, discovering that you had the wrong guy." She comments and he has to hold his tongue because to say that she is devaluing the inner torment he experienced during that moment of realisation would be a big understatement.

The fleeting instance of relief, relief that he had rid the world of a monster, the man who took away his life and, more importantly, the people he held most dear, was gone almost as quickly as it came. "For a short time, my mind was free. I had time to breathe but then when I realised… things became frantic in my head again."

Doctor Mary Bailey ponders for a few seconds, cocking her head deep in thought as she gages her client's reaction to being so open with her, but nothing comes. He only busies himself by staring at his hands as if they're the most interesting thing in the world. He hears her take a deep breath before expressing, "Patrick, being able to admit that is a big step." He knows that he should be pleased about this, but the phrase big step sounds patronising to him. Like she is talking to a pre-school child. The redhead notes his evident annoyance as his lips stretch into a thin line and decides to move on once more. "And what about… Cordero?"

Oscar Cordero. A SacPD detective, member of the Blake Association and the man who killed corrupt CBI director, Gale Bertram. "I've not really thought much about him." He discloses. "He was working for Red John, he was going to shoot me, so I shot him." The way he says it, makes it seem so casual, something that appears to worry her by the new scribbles in her notebook.

Of all the topics that have been discussed during this session however, this one won't be playing on his mind.

Jane spends the rest of his afternoon trying to keep busy by continuing with the remodel of the new house until Lisbon returns from work. The plastering of the walls and painting the new window frames doesn't keep his mind from thinking about everything he unpacked during his therapy session, and her being back to her condo later than he was expecting certainly doesn't help matters. He feels his anxiety bubble to the surface and his mind is reminding him of all the instances that she's been in danger during the time he's known her – and it is a lot.

He is about to ring her out of worry when he finally hears the key in the front door, and he breathes a sigh of relief. "Sorry I'm home late." She is immediately apologising, looking guilty. A hand is resting on her pregnant belly whilst the other is clutching the handles of paper shopping bag. "I would have rung but my phone died."

After switching off the television that he was just blankly staring at, he is immediately getting up off the couch to greet her with not only a soft kiss but also a tender hug. Quickly she deduces that whatever happened during his session today he found hard. "It's okay." He says with a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, and she rests a comforting hand on his arm to try and relax him a little. The small contact does help slightly. "I-I haven't made dinner, because I didn't know when you would be home."

"We can order in." Lisbon decides. "But first, look what I bought." Her face lights up as she rifles through the bag and pulls out a teddy bear wearing blue pyjamas that she passes to him. He holds it so carefully but now he's smiling for real, grinning even, remembering the news they got yesterday. "There's a new baby store where that thrift shop used to be. I had to go in!" She's practically giggling.

"Very cute." He compliments before passing it back to her. "What food would you fancy?"

Even though her excitement about her purchase has lifted his mood, he is quiet over dinner. They order pasta from a local Italian restaurant and whilst she hungrily wolfs hers down, he mainly pushes his around the plate. "Patrick…" She trails with a sigh, and he sheepishly glances up to meet her concerned gaze. "Please talk to me. Tell me what's on your mind."

He has done a lot of honest talking today, and truthfully, he'd rather just shut away his thoughts and emotions for the night. However it wouldn't be fair on her, and he's trying to be as good as possible for her and for their future. "Does it… unnerve you that I've killed four people?"

"I've killed people too." Is her reply and it is so blasé that it almost shocks him.

"Yes, for work, out of self-defence." Jane retorts and nervously runs his fingers through his blonde curls.

"Tanner and Cordero was self-defence."

"What about Carter and McAllister?"

"One pretended to be Red John and one was Red John." Lisbon takes a deep breath and then reaches across the table to take his hand in hers reassuringly, which does relieve some of the tension from his body. "The past is the past, alright? I'm hoping therapy helps you deal with that so we can focus on our future. With our son."

"With our son." He repeats with a small smile, and she can tell that he's feeling better already.

A/n Episodes flashbacked:

S01E23 – Red John's Footsteps

S02E03 – Red Badge

S02E20 – Red All Over

S03E08 – Ball Of Fire

S03E20 – Redacted

S03E23 – Strawberries & Cream (Pt. 1)

S03E24 – Strawberries & Cream (Pt. 2)

S05E11 – Days of Wine & Roses