Interview with the Author.
Highly Meta. All characters are aware they are characters and that this work of fiction is being produced by an internet author that does not own any aspect of any of this.
Intro theme music. Rousing chorus of hedwig's theme turning into horns and trumpets.
Screen rises from black with solid gold letters. "A few minutes with Lavender..."
"Brought to you by the Whizzo Candies Company."
Screen fades to black once more
Screen rises once more on the interior of a studio. A comfortable chair is occupied by a professionally dressed female figure. Her golden blonde hair cascading down her shoulders framing a smart oval face with bright blue eyes. She turns to the camera "Good day and welcome to a few minutes with lavender. I'm Lavender Brown and my guest today is Rahmota. A new fanfiction author that has joined our community with some very interesting stories."
Camera turns and points at a middle aged human male with brown hair, average looks and tired hazel eyes. He is dressed in a nice non-descript outfit.
"Hello Lavender and thanks for having me."
"Well you're the one writing this so its literally in my script."
"True there is that. But we are in the realm of pretend so lets get started."
Lavender cleared her throat and began the interview. "Ok. First off thanks for the complimentary description and making me a professional. Too many authors seem to want to turn me into a Bimbo, gossip or just a easy plot device. Either that or a guilty angst beast after the fenrir attack."
"Yeah I know. You're not a bad character and highly misused in my opinion. In my stories everyone has the opportunity to shine, for the most part."
"Except Ron. You really seem to hate on Ron a lot."
From off screen a male voice calls out, "OI yeah whats wrong with me mate? Don't enough authors get to kick me around. Why you gotta jump on the wagon?"
The author laughs maniacally as a large vault drops on Ronald Weasley. Fortunately its made by Acme so the door springs open and a dazed and slightly accordion bodied Ron stumbles out and falls over. A house elf comes along and sweeps him up.
"Well I don't exactly like Ron because I've known people like him in reality. They turned out to be rather not nice people so I figure the character is going to be the same. Plus every story needs a butt monkey and Ron fits the bill exactly. Hes a jealous, self-centered and self pitiful person. And that's the one written in canon much less from the various fictions. I suppose there are a few story ideas I have that he isn't a terrible horrible sick twisted evil jerk. But I still hold by my vision that he will never have Hermione. She is Harry's. A much better fit."
Harry's voice from off screen. "YES! I agree!"
Lavender tried to bring things back around to her script. "Yes well lets go on with getting some background here. You're an American yet you're writing stories based on a Scottish magical school written by a British Author why?"
"Well I read the books to my kids when they where little and we fell in love with the world. They loved it when I would tell the tales and in between the books I would sometimes elaborate on the story. With various other adventures and stuff that happened off screen. So when the recent real world unpleasant events gave me a lot more free time I decided to fill it with doing the same thing only on a more adult level. I mean the tales I told the kids had the usual Grimm fairy tales of princes kissing princesses and slaying dragons and such but still where within the safer zones I guess. Maybe. The internet is weird in that people are rather sensitive to some of the strangest things."
"So that's why you have been marking all of your stories as Mature?"
"Yeah better safe than sorry. I know it sorta limits the audience but oh well. If you write it they will find it eventually. My ego is stroked by positive reviews and compliments but I don't need them to live."
"On a related note you don't give very many warnings of violence, sex or other things in your stories."
"No I don't. Life doesn't come with warning labels and I figure if you're reading a story marked mature then you should be walking in expecting things to be well mature. That means sexual situations, death, violence, rape etc.. I mean I'm not going to go into blow by blow descriptions of anything. Its not going to be a full on Hays Code either though. I'll dance the line somewhere in between and sex will be more fade to black happens off screen and alluded to. Violence will be more Spielberg and less Tarantino. Allusions, references and sideways will work just fine."
"So will characters die?"
"Yeah anyone not named Ron Weasley would be fine." Ron's voice came from off screen.
"Sometimes. If the plot is appropriate. If the idea requires it. About the only ones that have some very strong plot armor are Hermione, Luna and of Course harry. But then he cheats as he gets a get out of dead free card with that thing in his head."
"Yeah thanks Tom." Harry's voice said again.
"No problem. Too bad we couldn't be friends and rule the world together! Mwehahah"
The author turned and hissed at the dark lord "Hey Brain chill that Vader crap. I don't do crossovers. Go get Pinky to get you some tea and sit down."
The dark lord of the wizarding world sat down mumbling something about life sucking...
Lavender giggled slightly at the interplay the only break in her professional facade, "Ok about that. No crossovers? At all?"
"Well I won't promise no crossovers ever. Just no good crossover ideas have come to me."
"So how do you get your ideas?"
"Insomnia, boredom or dreams. I don't really plan anything out and they just kinda show up uninvited and unannounced so I write them down in a notebook and then either flesh them out or ignore them until they either go away or tap on my subconscious enough to get me to write them up."
"Anything help inspire these ideas to come?"
"Oh a pint of mead helps sometimes...But then that is a rather good panacea for a lot of problems."
Sirius barked out a "Hell Yeah! Lets get some Mead! Woot!"
Everyone paused and looked at the man who was busy trying to find a keg...
"Ok on that note how do you see the various characters."
"Well I know all of the characters are broken. Not a single one of them could be considered normal or healthy psychologically. At least out of the major ones. We know so very little about the background characters like you that means anything major to determine that. One reason I like giving the normally second tier characters a bigger piece of the screen time. That being said I don't want to go the dark angsty thing if I can avoid it. I do prefer to be more upbeat and positive."
"So how about the character appearances?"
"Well the actors they got for the movie are awesome. They have all grown up into very lovely people and they are in my mind the definition of the characters appearance."
"So do you have a problem with someone going duskier skinned for Hermione or other changes?"
The author shrugged. "If they're happy with that then fine. Their story they can make her purple skinned and horned from mars for all I care. My story Hermione looks like Emma Watson, unless I alter something in story. If they write a good story its all good."
"So pairings. You've already declared you're a Harmony fan-boy. And you've done a Harem story with the Nargles. Any ideas for other side pairings."
Neville's voice from off screen, "Hey I'm Happy with the Susan and Hannah thing. Don't go changing that."
Rahmota laughed as he turned to Neville, "Hey what about Ginny. She gets paired with you a few times in some ideas I have."
Neville considered, "Okay yeah Ginny is cool. I can go for that."
Lavender sighed, "I suppose I get stuck with Ron. Date a guy one time to make someone jealous and you get paired for life."
"Well yeah a couple stories you get paired with Ron. But I have some other ideas too. One in the notebook you're part of a Harry's Harem. Another you get paired with Luna. Draco and Ron in one in the notebook. Neville and you in another one. Aside from Harmony and Lunar Harmony I'll play around with the various pairings."
A rather disgusted voice came from off screen, "Gah. Excuse me. Pairing me with the Red headed blood traitor. Please. I know hes a pure blood but even if I did swing that way I'd go for someone with a bit better standings you know. Besides he hates Slytherins."
"Oi really dude. I know you're the author but couldn't we at least you know not go there. Besides everyone does the Draco's gay thing. Don't you think that horse has been beaten enough already?"
"Have you checked the stats on the website guys? There are over 800k stories on alone, that's not counting wordpadd, wattpad, adult fanfiction (Which I absolutely DO NOT go there. There are some things that are just WRONG! Seriously what is wrong with you people.) and Reddit. Pretty much anything I can think of someone has already probably done. As the immortal bard said there is nothing new under the sun."
Hermione's voice, "He is right you know. Even a brief Google search for the various concepts come back with multiple hits. From catgirl hermione, Evil characters going good, good characters going evil plus rule 34 there is barely any room for original ideas. And he is right there are some really, really messed up things. Tentacle porn. Who the hell put that in the Potterverse? Really." She huffed.
Lavender shivered at the tentacle porn idea. Meanwhile Ron and Draco whipped out smartphones with a new search entry. Crabbe and Goyle had to stop chewing on their phones to even ask how to spell google...
"You make a lot of pop culture references and obscure and not so obscure movie references. How do you explain that in universe?"
"I don't. I take the Mary Poppins attitude of I don't explain anything. Works in the real world as well as this world."
"So the idea of Dumbledore manipulating things is so evil to you?"
"Yep. Dumbledore is an evil manipulative lying ***** (Expletives deleted) ***** and that's all I gotta say about him. And that's even the one written in canon before my story enhancements. I suppose if I where to be charitable I could give him the attitude that he was a casual bigoted know it all who was wrong to do all the evil he did, but that would be if I was feeling absolutely charitable."
Harry applauded greatly until Hermione held his hands. The sulfur coated spirit of Dumbledore that had risen from the depths of Hades realms where he belonged looked sad and tried to twinkle his eyes but failed. A pale ghostly hand reached up from the pits and dragged him screaming back down. Lucius and Bellatrix chained to the walls greeted him warmly.
"I hate people who try to manipulate others for whatever reason. There is no greater good. We need to just accept that and move on."
Lavender nodded in agreement, "Okay well it looks like by the clock on the wall that we're coming to the close of another episode. So I'll just say thank you to the author for joining us. Wish him well on his story ideas and hope you've enjoyed the brief glimpse behind the curtain. Remember no money is ever earned from any of these stories, just the enjoyment of sharing a brief moment in the dream that Rowling created. A dream where magic is real and people can do wonders with just a swish and a flick."
Bonus quickie idea. The only crossover I've thought of.
Lord Voldemort had won. Harry was dead and the darkness walked the land. Hermione and the few straggling survivors of the seige of Hogwarts had run. They had travelled the land hoping to build a resistance movement but the darkness was too strong. So Hermione found a way to use a set of standing stones to open a gateway to another world. A world of warriors that might be able to help them. To bring the light back to their world. If they failed at least she would be with her beloved harry in death. Either way she didn't care anymore.
The night of the ritual they charged the stones. An attack came and some of the survivors sacrificed themselves so that the two remaining members of the golden trio where able to leap into the open gateway.
Deep under Cheyenne Mountain in the American Rocky Mountains. In a chamber marked with so many secret signs that it didn't exist even to the people who didn't exist. A giant ring began glowing and spinning. Alarms activated and screamed. Men and women in green uniforms grabbed weapons a voice called out, "Unscheduled off-world Gate activation. All personnel to Condition one!"
A short chubby bald man came striding into the room. "Close the Iris. We don't know if this is a Gould attack. Any GDO signals?"
"No signals sir. Two in transit in the wormhole."
The Iris had slid shut with a ssurussing sound. Closing the wormhole off at the subatomic level from the rest of the world. A brief moment after it did there where two loud clangs as the energy packets that had escaped the darkness never had a chance to reintegrate.
"Wormhole closing. No further incoming."
"Open the Iris remain at condition one for a few more minutes to make sure it stays quiet."
"I wonder what that was all about?"
"Who knows. Who cares. Probably just some Gould throwing rocks through the wormhole to be annoying. I'm going back to bed."
"Good idea Jack. I was in the middle of a good dream involving Shakira"
"Indeed."
Thus ended the hopes of the wizarding world.