Disclaimer: All recognizable Rizzoli & Isles characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners including, but not limited to Tess Gerritsen. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fan fiction story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No financial gain is associated with the publishing of this story. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: The idea for this story began with Season 1, Episode 8 and resurfaced recently with the Colbie Caillat song "I Never Told You." I like how this story fills the void of what happened between Jane's date with Dean and the 'whatever you want, I can get it' comment when Maura was missing (from episode 9). As you've probably noticed, I enjoy rewriting or adding to established canon.

What I Should Have Said

Maura interrogated Hoyt so I wouldn't have to. Granted, I was taken off the case, but I know it was Maura's way of protecting me. She didn't have to face him, yet she did. For me.

That's why what she said about being like him was heartbreaking.

"You okay? Come on, Maura, talk to me. He's a freak. He gets to everybody," I said as I looked across the desk at my best friend.

"I didn't - I did a lot of research into his background; his childhood. Maybe he's not wrong," she said with a seriousness that concerned me.

"What are you talking about?"

"Maybe I am a little bit like him."

" You are nothing like him," I insisted.

"I don't - I don't know, Jane. I was a weird kid."

"Were you killing small animals?" I asked and Maura chuckled.

"No, but I dissected a lot of frogs."

"That's different," I said, wishing Maura could see herself the way I see her.

"I just started to think about things that I never really thought about before," she said as she stood and began to pace in front of me.

"Here it comes. There are bodies buried in your basement," my joking did nothing to curb the return of Maura's seriousness.

"I spent a lot of time alone. I was adopted, my father was a professor and my mother she - she came from a wealthy family and was an only child," Maura sat back down, a look of distress on her face. "I just realized something when I was reading about Hoyt. It just never occurred to be before. There was a lot of benign neglect," she paused.

My heart was breaking for Maura. Shattering as I watched her before me. This ridiculously smart, strong woman was torn up inside because of what Charles Hoyt said to her.

"It's not that they didn't love me. It's just that I didn't ask for much. I don't think I really knew how, and the less that I would ask for the less time that they would have for me," there were tears in Maura's eyes now. "They were just very, very involved in their own lives and in each other. They sent me to boarding school when I was ten. I actually think that I sent away for the brochure myself," it was the first time she'd smiled since she'd returned to being completely serious. I smiled with her, letting out a burst of breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding."They were delighted," Maura smiled briefly. "I was really lost."

"Come here," I said.

I leaned forward and took Maura's hands in mine. It took a moment before I could look into Maura's eyes. I knew if I didn't compose myself I would fall apart before I said to her what she needed to hear.

"No matter what happened to you, you are nothing like that monster, okay? You're a little anti-social maybe, goofy," we both smiled, "that's, that's not the same thing."

I was still holding Maura's hands. We were looking into each other's eyes and we both smiled slightly.

"Man we're a pair," I said and we both chuckled.

"Thank you," she said sincerely, thanking me with a subtle smile.

When I replay that conversation in my head, as I have often in the days since as I've thought about my relationship with Maura, there's so much I wish I had said. There's so much I should have said.

I should have told her about the hundreds of ways that Hoyt has gotten to me over the years. She knows about my nightmares, but knows nothing about my insecurities, my fears, my belief that I am damaged because of Hoyt. When I told her that Hoyt gets to everyone, I didn't tell her how. How he gets into your mind and leaves you doubting every part of who you are. How he instills fear in a person without being anywhere near them.

I should have told Maura that her goofiness, her somewhat anti-social behavior is endearing. I love Maura's quirks. I should have told her that.

I should have told her that they may share a background in medicine, similar skill sets even, but the way they approach other human beings couldn't be more different. Empathy is foreign to Hoyt. I should have told Maura how much I admire the empathy she offers each of the victims that arrive in her morgue. She seeks justice for them. She fights to tell their story. However anti-social Maura may seem at times, she is another person with her inner circle. She's fiercely loyal, compassionate and sociable. I should have pointed that out to her.

When Maura mentioned the benign neglect of her childhood, my heart was breaking and I didn't say what she most needed to hear. What I should have said was how deserving Maura is of every bit of attention that can be lavished on her. She, more than anyone I know, deserves everything good in this world. She deserves someone to love her completely, care for her in ways she's never experienced, and remind her of how precious she is every single day.

As I was holding Maura's hands in mine, I couldn't help but think about our relationship. She is first and foremost my friend. I wish for her happiness above my own. I would give anything to be the one to make her happy. I've never told her that and when we sat looking into each other's eyes talking about Hoyt, I knew it wasn't the time.

The night I shared dinner with Agent Dean I realized where my heart was. Gabriel Dean is a good man, a caring man, but as I sat there talking to him about Hoyt and how I wasn't ready for someone to worry about me, I realized that someone already does worry about me. Maura. And I kissed him. I kissed him and as I was doing so I knew that I wasn't kissing him because I wanted him, I was kissing him because I wanted release. I wanted an outlet for everything I'd been feeling since the moment in the station with Maura. When he walked away, I felt a strange sense of relief. And my thoughts immediately went back to Maura.

I sat in my car for nearly an hour thinking about the moment earlier that day when I should have said so many things to my best friend. I thought about Agent Dean and how wrong kissing him was. Then I let the thought of kissing Maura into my mind. I was suddenly warm, wondering if what I was feeling was disrespectful to my best friend. Regardless, I put the car into gear and drove. How many chances would I get to say the things that should have been said as we sat in the precinct that day?

…

"Jane?" Maura asked as I stood on her doorstep, face still noticeably flushed from my thinking about the possibility of kissing her.

"I need to…can I come in?" I asked. My mind was swimming with everything I wanted to say.

"Of course," she said as she moved out of the way to let me in.

I stepped just enough inside for the door to have clearance to close. While Maura had her back to me to close the door, I summoned my courage and reminded myself of all the things I'd told myself I should have said to her at the precinct.

"I thought you were going out with Agent Dean tonight. Jane is everything okay?" she asked as she turned around and noticed my eyes on her.

"Maura, when you were telling me about the research you did on Hoyt and the, umm, similarities you thought you'd seen between the two of you…"

"Thank you for reassuring me, Jane," Maura cut me off.

"Please, Maur, let me get this all out," I said as I reached for her forearm.

"Okay?" I could tell she was becoming concerned. I had never dropped my hand from her forearm and Maura had noticed.

"What I should have said is that you are an incredibly brilliant, compassionate, and caring woman. You are a better friend than I could have ever dreamed of having. I have never met a person more deserving of everything good in this world. You amaze me every single day Maura Isles. Your quirks are endearing, your loyalty fierce," the tears were welling up in Maura's eyes, my grip increasing on her forearm. "And you are…you're…beautiful," with that statement tears began to fall down Maura's cheeks.

As her tears began to fall, I remembered that moment in the precinct when I wanted to hold her in my arms and kiss away her tears. I'd sat across from her at that desk and simply held her hands in mine. I'd hoped there would come a moment when I could do more to comfort her. Now was my time.

"Maur…" I whispered as I moved closer to her, leaving mere inches between us. My hands cupped her face, thumbs wiping away the tears that had fallen. "I'm blessed to have you in my life."

Maura hadn't said a word; the tears had continued to fall down her cheeks. I couldn't resist the urge I had to lean in and kiss her forehead. One, light kiss and the warmth I'd felt in the car while thinking about the possibility of kissing this woman returned.

To Be Continued…