Warnings: Canon-compliant coarse language. Jaime/Cersei scenes (that's for the entire episode, not just the Teaser). Ummm...humor? I hope…

Teaser

Previously on Jaime Lannister Investigations:

Jaime and Brienne watch Scarface then eat a leisurely meal during which Jaime finally convinces Brienne to take in the early movie at seven and out for a drink afterwards.

He teases her unmercifully and notes with interest every shade of pink and red she turns while always admiring the remarkable blue of her eyes. Conversation flows more easily than he had hoped and his conscience doesn't begin to raise its head until she's driving him to his apartment.

He has a sudden urge to invite her up for a nightcap but as he turns in the car and opens his mouth, his gold hand catches the light of the streetlamp and stops him in his tracks.

Brienne blinks, her forehead creased with a puzzled frown as she looks at him.

He quickly recovers and says, "Thank you, Brienne, for playing hooky with me." He reaches for her hand and lifts it to his lips. He brushes a light kiss against her knuckles and says, "Sleep well."

*/*/*/*/*

He doesn't go into his apartment building until she's driven away.

He curses himself as he rides the elevator to his floor. Brienne is a good person, he tells himself, and she deserves more than a casual affair, which is all he can offer her. Besides, he likes her and being The Jaime Lannister too much to do anything that would jeopardize their relationship.

Or, he ruefully admits as he opens the door to his apartment, his chance to hold down a legitimate job.

He drops his keys on the side-table by the door, toes off his shoes and pads his way to his bedroom, pulling his shirt out of his pants and unbuttoning it as he goes.

He flicks on the bedroom light and stops short.

"Hello, darling," Cersei purrs, sitting up in his bed and blinking against the light, the blankets held to her naked breasts in mock modesty. "Have you missed me?"

*/*/*/*/*

Jaime stares, his hand still on his shirt, and thanks every god he can think of that he didn't invite Brienne up for a nightcap.

"Cersei," he says, slowly and carefully. "This is a surprise."

She pouts. "It wouldn't have been if you bothered to return my calls."

He raises an eyebrow as he lowers his hand. "You're not usually so desperate to speak with me—or even to fuck me—that you break into my apartment and slip naked into my bed."

Cersei rolls her eyes. "You're not still angry that I didn't call you after that Jon Arryn thing, are you?"

"No," he says, and it's true. Oddly, he doesn't feel much of anything as he looks at her. He frowns at the thought. It's been three months since the last time he saw her and yet...

"What do you want, Cersei?" he says, suddenly tired.

"You."

He laughs, a harsh, barking sound that surprises even him with its bitterness. "You had me. You threw me away years ago."

"I didn't throw you away; you know I would never do that. Besides, it's only been a few months since we were together. I've missed you," she says and smiles, allowing the blanket to slip enough for him to catch a glimpse of her lush breast. His cock stirs at the sight but to his surprise, this time his suspicions win out over his lust.

He abruptly turns away.

"I know you're only seductive when you want something," he says, then turns back to face her. "Once you tell me what that is, you can get dressed and leave."

Cersei's eyes widen with surprised hurt and for a dizzying moment, he wavers. He drowns in her green gaze for a long moment before Brienne's bottomless blue eyes juxtaposes themselves in his memory and he blinks, startled. And as quickly as it arrived, his moment of weakness is gone.

"Better yet," he says, "you can get dressed while you tell me."

Cersei beautiful face hardens with rage before she throws back the covers and scrambles out of bed.

"I thought you would be dying for this as much as I was," she snarls as she hastily yanks on her clothes.

"Mayhaps I would have been if you'd contacted me immediately after Jon's death," Jaime says. "It's been months, and you only started calling me last week while I was in the middle of a case."

Cersei snorts. "A case! As if you're smart enough for anything other than fucking and stealing things." She glances at his gold hand and sneers. "Well, at least you can still fuck."

Jaime pinches the bridge of his nose and takes a deep breath.

"Let's not fight," he says tiredly. "Why are you here? I know it's not simply because you had the sudden desire to fuck me."

She glares as she pulls her shirt on. "It could have been," she snarls as she buttons her blouse. "But since you've asked so nicely: Father wants you to call him."

He's not our father, Jaime thinks reflexively, and says, "Why?"

She rolls her eyes. "Mayhaps he misses the sound of your voice."

"Of course," Jaime says drily, "what else could it possibly be? What's the job?"

"He didn't say. He just said to tell you that you owe him."

She finishes zipping up her skirt and stomps out of the bedroom.

"I owe him?" Jaime says as he follows her out. "For what?"

She glares up at him as she shoves her feet into her high heels. "For closing the vaults of Casterly Rock. Really, Jaime, you should know better than to let an outsider know our secrets!"

"I didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter," Jaime says drily. "I was being framed at the time."

Cersei turns towards the door with a cold shrug. "Whatever. If you know what's good for you, you'll call him."

And then she's gone.

*/*/*/*/*

Brienne takes one look at Bronna's knowing smirk, blushes, and hurries to her office.

"Oh, as if running and hiding is going to stop me," Bronna says with almost evil glee as she chases after her.

"I had hopes..." Brienne mutters.

Bronna smirks and says, "Tell me everything! Did you finally fuck him until his cock fell off?"

"Bronna! For the gods' sakes!"

"Is that a yes?"

"He doesn't—I don't—we—"

Bronna waves away her stuttering attempts at language and says, "At least tell me how your date went."

"It wasn't a date, Bronna! We're just colleagues—gods! Not even that! We still know next to nothing about him!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. What did you do yesterday after he dragged you out of here, kicking and screaming?"

Brienne rolls her eyes and glares, but she knows when she's beaten. "We went to the matinee movie, then for something to eat, then to an early movie, drinks afterwards, and then I took him home. His home."

"Where you fucked him till—"

"No! Gods! We're just friends!"

Bronna's grin is knowing and smug and evil. "And yet you don't even know his real name. Still, sounds like a date to me."

The discreet chime of the front door opening is all that saves Brienne from tossing her best friend out the window.

*/*/*/*/*

Jaime looks up, the morning mail in his hand, as Brienne and Bronna walk around the corner and into the reception area.

"Morning," Bronna says cheerfully. Too cheerfully.

He peers suspiciously at her then takes in Brienne's furiously blushing face. His lips tighten as he hands the mail to Bronna and says, "I have to make a phone call."

He brushes past them and as he closes the door to his office he hears Bronna say, "Told you you should have fucked him."

*/*/*/*/*

Tyrion sounds as grumpy as Jaime feels.

"You're lucky I've finally picked up the phone," Tyrion growls.

"Where were you last night?"

"Are you my mother? I was out! And my hands and mouth were occupied with much better pursuits than talking to you!"

Jaime pauses, then says, "Did she want to marry you this morning?"

Tyrion sighs. "I need to stop taking them to penthouse suites, that's all I'm going to say about that. What's going on?"

"Cersei was in my apartment last night."

"Congratulations."

"I didn't sleep with her."

"Congratulations."

"Tyrion!"

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to pat you on the back and give you a cookie? I'm not your local chapter of Cersei Anonymous! You're forty-three years old; it's time you grew a pair of your own."

"I love you, too, Tyrion."

"What are brothers for except to tell you when you're being an idiot?"

Tyrion falls silent and Jaime can almost hear his brother's mind working.

"You honestly didn't fuck her last night?" Tyrion finally says.

"Honestly. And she was in my bed, naked, when I arrived."

"Hm. Maybe there's hope for you yet."

"Well, it helped that I knew she was only there because she wanted something."

"Cersei always wants something. What was it this time?"

"Tywin wants me to call him."

"Ah. That."

"He's already talked to you?"

"Of course. You know if he can't have the Golden Boy he'll settle for second best."

"That's not usually how this works."

"I told him you were retired. He laughed rather too hard at that."

"Tywin laughed?"

"It was as gruesome as it sounds."

They both snicker, then Tyrion says, "Seriously, it's taken care of."

"Am I going to owe you?"

"You already owe me; I'll just add it to the tab. Besides, it won't be too bad and it'll get me out of King's Landing for a while. Which may be a good thing right about now."

"You really do need to stop buying them diamonds on the first date."

"Well, it's also the last date and they usually deserve a souvenir."

*/*/*/*/*

Jaime is in a decidedly better mood as he hangs up the phone. Just in time, he thinks, as there's a knock on the door and Brienne pokes her head into his office.

"Are you over your snit?" she asks.

He leans back in his chair, raises an eyebrow and smirks. Now that the imminent threat of Tywin is no longer hanging over his head, he has the luxury of being amused and intrigued by what Bronna said as he was closing the door.

"For now," he says agreeably.

Before he can say anything more, Brienne nods and says, "Good. Pia Peckledon called. She wants us to meet her at the museum as soon as we can."

His eyebrow rises even higher. "I thought we were barred from that place after the last time?"

"There's been another theft."

*/*/*/*/*

Dr. Pia Peckledon is as pretty as ever, even with worry pinching the corners of her mouth. Brienne sees her melt for a moment as she gazes up at Jaime but to her credit, she is almost immediately once again coolly professional.

"Thank you for getting here so quickly," she says, shaking their hands.

"I'm surprised you called us," Jaime says. "I thought the Museum's Board made it clear we were not to be used again for any security design."

Pia gives them a rueful grimace. "True, but this isn't about security design."

Brienne says, "You mentioned there was another theft?"

Pia nods and motions for them to follow her. They walk past the museum's standing exhibits, then through the still-open special exhibit of the artifacts recovered from the tombs of the first Lannister King and his Queen, and finally into the storage areas that are closed to the public.

She takes them to one of the storage rooms she had shown them during the opening night gala where Brienne first met Jaime. They stop in front of a vaguely familiar storage unit where Pia pulls open a drawer that is, as expected, empty.

Jaime and Brienne exchange a glance then turn enquiring faces towards Pia, who's now wringing her hands and biting her lip.

"I don't understand," Jaime says gently.

"Remember that pouch I showed you, filled with quartz sand?"

Brienne nods. "Supposedly the remains of a glass candle from the Age of Magic."

Jaime says, "If I remember what you told us correctly, the leather pouch dates back to the time of the first Lannister King and his Queen. This is the only pile of sand in Westeros that is claimed to be the remains of a glass candle and has a related artifact—the pouch—from the correct time period. Although that doesn't mean someone didn't just fill the pouch with sand and spun a story to make a sale."

Pia's eyes are huge in her face as she gazes up at Jaime. "Yes," she breathes and for a moment, Brienne wonders if the younger woman's self-control is about to snap because she looks like she's ready to launch herself at Jaime at any second.

Brienne quickly and subtly steps in front of Jaime.

Mayhaps not so subtly if Jaime's suddenly suppressed grin is anything to go by. She spares him a glare and says, "This is all very interesting, but what does this have to do with us?"

Pia blinks and refocuses on Brienne. "Jaime's right that the quartz sand could be fake—but the pouch is not. Even if the sand doesn't belong to a glass candle, it's still a priceless artifact, and it's been stolen."

Brienne scowls. "Do you have any idea when the theft occurred?"

Pia shakes her head. "The security guards didn't see anything and there's nothing unusual on the security system that we can find. I, myself, haven't looked at the pouch since the night of the gala, so mayhaps it was stolen at the same time as the sword hilt and the dragon bone."

"Or mayhaps it was stolen later," Jaime murmurs.

Pia shrugs helplessly. "I'm Acting Museum Director since Dr. Mopatis' disappearance. The Museum Board doesn't want me to hire you again, especially since the security system you put into place seems to be so easily breached. Not to mention you still haven't recovered the stolen artifacts or found Dr. Mopatis. Still...I heard about your work on the Elia Targaryen case and who knows? Maybe this time you'll be able to find something."

*/*/*/*/*