A/N: Thank you for everyone who had taken time to review. Another chapter for you...we are about finished moving (fingers crossed) and it's about summer time, so hopefully things will be calm soon and I will have more down time (as much as you can with kids underfoot.) Thanks for all your continued encouragement!
Chapter 51:
Eleanor leaned up against Jamie's chest. She twined her hand in his, studying her ring as she did.
"Do ye like it then, alainn ros?"
She nodded, "I do. I love it."
She said no more but kept studying it, contemplatively.
"I sense somethin is botherin ye, lass. Will ye no tell me what it is?"
Eleanor let out a breath, "I just suppose...I was thinking about the women who wore this ring. Your mama and Jenny..."
"Aye. What aboot them?"
"Your mama and Jenny both...they are just such unbelievably strong, formidable women...and I'm not sure..." she paused, "I am so honored, Jamie, but..."
"Ye dinnae think ye are worthy to wear it," Jamie raised her hand and kissed her ring, his touch gentle. "Is that it, mo ghraidh?"
"Yes, that's it."
"Jenny wanted ye to have the ring, mo ghraidh. I think she ken how much it would mean to ye...fer me to give this to you as a pledge of my love and commitment to ye. How much it would mean to me to give ye somethin special only reserved fer ye..." He paused, leaning to kiss the top of her head, "As fer my mother, I canna help but believe that she would have seen ye the way we all do...a women of grace and strength...and true beauty. Ye are just as strong and fierce as both Ellen Fraser and Jenny Murray. Ye just come aboot it in a different way."
She paused, contemplating his words, still looking at the ring. "Do you really think that?"
"Aye, I always thought," he brought her hand up to his lips, kissing her finger above the ring, "that there was a strength in ye...just needin a wee bit of proddin to come out. Ye have showed yer strength, Eleanor. I dinnae ken another woman who would have borne what ye did...with such grace and determination."
"I never thought of if that way..." Eleanor mused, "because in the day to day moments, I feel quite inadequate. But...I mean, these past few years...they have been so tough...and yet I found so much joy in them as well. It such a crazy paradox of feelings and emotions because as horrible as it was, if Claire hadn't come back and we been apart..."
"then ye wouldna have had Lord John?"
She winced. "Do you hate me for it?"
"Of course, I dinnae."
They fell quiet.
Finally, Ellie prodded, "What are you thinking about now, Jamie?"
Jamie kissed her hand and then gently untangled her, sitting up and making sure Eleanor was still covered before stepping over and putting another log in the fire. He stoked the fire for a few minutes. He was completely naked, and in spite of the chill of the room, he didn't move to cover himself.
"Jamie?" Eleanor crawled out of the bed, wrapping the quilt around her. She untangled a hand from the quilt to reach out and touch Jamie's face, turning his chin towards her. She looked at him, studying his expression...and his features.
"I want us to have a gut life...ye and our bairns, Eleanor."
"We will make a good life for our family. Don't worry about that," Eleanor said, wrapping the blanket around him as well as she wiggled into his embrace. "You are cold, Jamie. Come back to bed."
"I canna give ye the luxuries ye are accustomed to with Lord John," Jamie said, quietly.
She pulled back, abruptly. "Do you really truly think that matters to me?" she asked, aghast.
"Ye hate the Ridge."
She swallowed hard.
"We could go back to Scotland. Or start over somewhere else...as long as I have ye and our wee uns, it dinnae matter much where we are."
"You worked so hard to build a legacy for our children at the Ridge. It's important to you."
"But I canna abide ye bein miserable. And if it means givin it up, I will."
She reached to cup his face with the side of his hand, "It's not what I would have chosen, but," Eleanor gave him a sassy look, "I don't think I would have chosen this time period if I was going back in time."
Jamie snorted, appreciatively.
"It means so much for you to offer to give up what you worked so hard to build," she rubbed her fingers over his cheek, "I don't think it was ever about me hating the Ridge, Jamie."
"Is that so?" Jamie raised an eyebrow.
"Yes," she leaned to kiss him softly, "It was about me being an outsider in your life that I hated. We worked hard at Lallybroch. We didn't have alot, but we had our family. And James, those were some of the sweetest years of my life because I was with you."
He pulled her in and passionately kissed her, causing her to moan, her passion springing back to life.
"I love ye, mo ghraidh."
"I love you too," Eleanor said, "Now, I'm cold...so can we please..."
But he had silenced her with another kiss, picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder before depositing her in bed before she could say any more.
"I want ye mo ghraidh," Jamie said, his hands twining through both of hers, "And I dinnae wish to be accommodating aboot it."
"Oh good Lord," Eleanor wiggled underneath him.
"Will ye be weel with it?"
She pulled up their hands and she kissed his, which was covering hers. "Give it to me good, Fraser."
Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "I dinnae think ye ken what ye ask fer."
Eleanor gripped his face hard, "I remember, Jamie. And I need you badly."
His eyes turned heady with passion, "I need ye too. I willna stop...even if ye beg me too."
Her insides went to mush at Jamie's pronouncement.
"I don't think I am going to be able to move," Eleanor shifted gingerly on the bed. She smacked at him, "We are too old for such shenanigans."
"Ah, now ye are sayin that," Jamie said, nipping at her ear.
"Well," Eleanor rolled over and sat up on the bed, "Good thing, we've gotten this raw animalistic desire out of our system."
He laughed loudly, "Oh, I ken better than expect ye will let me take ye in such a way with the wee uns in the other room."
"You see," Eleanor shook her finger at him, "It's not just that...it's that your children are so damn inquisitive. So if I walk like I can't move, it will lead to lots of where is mama's ouchie? And I am not prepared to answer such questions."
He laughed harder, "I'm just imagin it now, lassie. Ah..." Jamie laughed for a while, bending over in pain, he was laughing so hard. "Oh, Christ, I can just imagine yer face now."
She giggled in response, "You are going to pull a muscle, if you are not careful," she threw a pillow at him.
"I'm not that old," Jamie threw it back. "And I'm not the un that can barely move."
She caught it and then hugged it to herself, "I need some whisky, Jamie."
Jamie snorted, "I suspect ye do."
He reached for the whisky, handing to her. She took a long swig, it burning down her chest as she swallowed it.
"Ah," Eleanor choked and Jamie reached for it taking a gulp himself.
"I'm hungry," Ellie flopped down on the bed.
"Aye, me too."
"Maybe we should abstain from burning so many calories when we have no food."
Jamie raised an eyebrow, "Ah, no. If I have to starve, I will die a happy man, lassie."
"I thought you said nobody was dying on your watch."
"Aye, and I stand by it...however, I am hopin that we can leave this cabin in the next day."
She smirked at him, "Am I not enough to entertain you, James Fraser?"
"Weel...tis only so much we can do."
Eleanor rolled out of bed, wrapping the sheet around her..."Let's see what Bree and Roger left in their trunk."
Jamie raised an eyebrow.
"It's either look for a deck of cards...or I create a game to play."
"Hopefully there is somethin in there," Jamie said, "I canna think of what yer canny mind can come up with to entertain us."
Eleanor flipped open the trunk and sorted through the art work and linens to pull out a chess set. "Did you know that they had this?"
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "John gave it to Brianna and Roger as a wedding gift."
Eleanor frowned, "How do I not remember this?"
Jamie shrugged, "Ye were a wee bit preoccupied at the time with the wee uns. I had forgotten aboot it as weel."
"Well, this is fortuitous," Eleanor laid on the bed with it, "Want to play?"
"Aye, I'll play with ye," Jamie said. His eyes suddenly became mischievous, "With a few modifications."
Eleanor grinned, "Of course, James. I have to warn though before you come up with such modifications, John and I played chess alot...and I've gotten quite good at it. So... you better think long and hard about it."
He leaned and kissed her neck, "Weel, mo ghraidh, tis a verra gut thing that I enjoy as much accommodating ye as the reverse. But we shall see. I am not willin to claim defeat before we begin."
She laughed, "Well, come on then." She took the set and then began to set it up on the table. Jamie sat down and then pulled her onto his lap, so they were viewing the board from the side.
"We can sit apart you know," Ellie teased.
"Aye, but I like sittin with ye this way..." Jamie said, "Ye can start."
Eleanor moved a piece.
"Ah, verra wise beginning, lass," Jamie moved his piece.
Eleanor followed and then he did.
But as they made moves, Jamie's free hand began to rest strategically.
As much as Eleanor tried to ignore him, she found that she could not help but respond.
"I feel like this is cheating," Eleanor groaned. She slapped his hand away from her breast, but it just moved down her back in such a smoothing, suggestive way as he nipped her neck again.
"Your move, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, his voice low.
Eleanor tried to concentrate, "You know if you can't win without distracting me, it's not really a win."
Jamie smacked on her behind as she leaned up to slide off of him.
"Ye said ye wanted some entertainment, lass. I find this incredibly entertaining, do ye no?"
Eleanor moved a piece, "Check."
"Ah, verra gut, my wee besom," Jamie grinned at her, "But alas, checkmate." He crooked his finger towards him, "Come pay up."
"Tis not fair, Jamie," Eleanor protested.
"But tis verra gut, is it no?" he chuckled, "Over here and pay yer penitence, lass of mine." His eyes were full of light, "But dinnae fash, Mistress Fraser, after ye are done, I will return the favor."
Eleanor's body flushed.
"I thought ye would like that," Jamie laughed, knowingly.
"I feel like a teenager again," Ellie said.
"I ken ye dinnae do such things when ye were a teenager."
"True," Eleanor said, "But..."
"Tis a joy that we still feel this way...that we canna get enough. Now enough delayin..." he reached for her, pulling her towards him.
"Mama, mama!" The children all ran at her at once and she gathered them to her.
Jamie and Eleanor had snuck in early the next morning.
"Oh, mama, I missed ye so!" Rosie said, tears in her eyes.
"We were so worrit!" Sam said. "I thought ye were goin to die fer sure!"
"Hush, Sam!" Mac elbowed him.
"Aye," Hope said, "And I was scarrit to sleep but Auntie Jenny took care of me."
Hugh grinned and reached his arms up for Eleanor, who picked him up. "My babies..."
Eleanor reached to rub each of her children's head, resting on Mac's, her first born...as she cuddled her youngest.
"Now, my wee uns," Jamie reached to swing up Hope in one arm and Rosie in the other, "I told ye I wasna goin to let anythin happen to yer mama."
"But the storm was so bad, Da," Rosie buried her face into Jamie's neck.
"Aye, I ken, but I made a vow to yer mama long ago that I wouldna let any harm come to her, while I still have breath...and I am goin to keep that vow..."
"It was so long and boring not being able to go out in the storm," Sam said, "What did ye do?"
"Oh, we found lots to entertain us," Jamie said.
"Is that so?" Jenny's eyes sparkled as she eyed the ring on Eleanor's hand.
Eleanor reached to hug Ian and then Jenny, "Thank you," she whispered in Jenny's ear.
"Aye, sister."
"Now," Jamie shifted the girls out of his arm, "Let us gather our snow things...tis a shame to waste such a good snow fall. If ye wee uns help each other while mama and I eat a bite then we will be ready to go outside."
"Go, go," Hugh clapped his hands together.
"It may be a little cold for you, lovie," Eleanor said, kissing him.
"Wrap him warm," Jamie said, "We canna leave our most wee bairn out of the fun."
"Alright then," Eleanor gave Hugh a kiss as he wiggled down out of her arms.
Eleanor showed the kids how to make snow angels as Hugh sat and ate piles of snow. Jamie and her then helped the boys and girls make a snowman.
Eleanor laughed, delighted, as she watched her babies play in the snow, jumping and rolling and just having a grand time...a splay of bright hats and mittens and little coats.
Jamie came up beside her and put an arm around her waist.
"What are ye thinkin on, mo ghraidh?"
"I wish I had my camera, Jamie," she said, "to capture these moments...of our children just being children...and being so carefree and full of joy."
"Capture them in your mind, mo ghraidh," Jamie pulled her closer. "Tis a joy to see, is it no?"
"It means alot...to have such a beautiful family...with you." Eleanor smiled at him as Sam ran up to them.
"Da, may we have a snowball fight? I wanna be on yer team!"
"I dinnae ken," Jamie looked at Eleanor, "We must be careful of the wee lassies and the bairn."
Mac ran up to them "Please, Da? I'll be on a team with Mama."
"I'll play!" Rosie struggled through the snow, "With Da."
"I got Mama!" Hope squealed.
"Oh, okay!" Eleanor acquiesced. She scooped up Hugh. "Listen to me. You will watch your brother...and do not hit in the face. That is an automatic time out, got it?"
The kids readily agreed and Eleanor gave her second oldest son a look... "Samuel John, yes?"
"Aye, mama. No faces," Sam responded.
"Let's go then," Eleanor reached for Hope and Mac and they began to make snowballs frantically, rolling the wet cold snow into balls and throwing them, meanwhile dodging the attack from Jamie and Sam as Rosie hang back, giggling.
Eleanor got Jamie square in the shoulder.
He eyed her, "Now ye have done it, Eleanor."
Mac began to throw more and then Eleanor turned just the right way, bending down to get more as Jamie's snowball aimed for her shoulder landed straight in her face.
"Oh Good Lord," Eleanor squealed from the sting of the snowball. She held her hand to her her cheek.
"Truce!" Jamie called and then ran over to her, "Are ye alright, mo ghraidh?"
Eleanor reached up and smashed the whole of the wad of snow, right in Jamie's face, rubbing it in.
Jamie growled at her and picked her up, carrying her and toppling her right into the snow, with him.
She laughed with him.
"Verra gut example fer our wee uns, my wee besom," Jamie scolded before rolling with her in the snow, Eleanor giggling more.
"I'm sorry."
"Aye, and ye and I will have a verra serious conversation about it later tonight," Jamie smirked at her and she laughed more as they both laid on their backs.
"It's cold lying like this in the snow," Eleanor commented.
"Aye, tis so."
"Why does it never bother the children?"
"they are wee Frasers, Eleanor."
"That must be it."
The children went to lay next to Jamie and Eleanor in the snow, Hugh being carried by Mac and tucked into Eleanor's arm. They laid in the snow all seven of them.
"Da?" Sam said, from Jamie's side.
"Aye, son?"
"Tis the best day in a long time."
Eleanor's sigh of contentment was audible as Jamie's hand reached for hers.
"Aye, I agree with ye, Samuel. Tis a grand day."
"Are the wee uns asleep?"
"Jamie is reading Sam and Mac one more story. But the littlest ones are, thankfully." Eleanor reached for the tea kettle, pouring water into the tea pot. "I have a question for you."
Jenny sat at the table and Eleanor poured them both tea.
"What is on yer mind, sister?'
Eleanor pulled her shawl closer and took a sip, trying to gather her thoughts. "I know Jamie told you that he and I handfasted again."
"Aye, and I am so verra glad fer it," Jenny said, "Ye and he belong together fer the sake of yerselves and the wee uns that ye parent."
She smiled, "Thank you for giving Jamie your ring."
"Of course, I am verra glad fer ye to wear it. Mama would have wanted it too." She eyed Eleanor, "What is bothering ye, then?"
"It's just...this house...Jamie built it for Claire. And she's everywhere in it. I mean it was different when we were stuck in the snow, but now that we are back...he moved my things this afternoon to his bedroom and..."
"Ye arena comfortable with it?"
"I know it's silly."
Jenny titled her head from side to side, "But tis how ye feel, aye?"
Ellie nodded.
"Then, ye must tell my brother. I dinnae ken what can be done aboot it, but..."
"It's not that I'm not past everything, because I did forgive him and he forgave me of these past few years, but..." Eleanor shrugged.
"Claire is gone, sister. And yer husband as weel. Ye can move on and be a family with my brother. I ken it did his heart a world of good fer ye and him to spend time as a family with the wee uns today. This is how it was meant to be. Ye dinnae have to be so weary aboot Claire." She paused, "He would have built ye this house, Eleanor. He would have done anythin for ye. And dinnae forget, the house was built not just fer Claire but fer yer wee uns as weel. Why do ye think tis so grand and large? Because there are so many bairns to fill the rooms...and those are the barins ye had with him."
She nodded, contemplatively and took another sip, before putting her tea down, "To be honest, I never quite thought of it that way before."
"But ye should talk to my brother, not to just me."
"I will." Eleanor let out a breath, "I suppose I could just got check on Hope and conveniently fall asleep."
Jenny snorted and eyed her, "if ye try to hide from him, Jamie will just seek ye out. He isna goin to let ye retreat, Eleanor. Not again."
"I know you are right."
Jamie came in the room then, "Ach, this must not be gut if my sister is right." he said, with a raised eyebrow, but he moved to Eleanor's side, leaning down to kiss her head, tenderly.
Eleanor laughed, "James Fraser, you know very well your sister is often right, whether you wish to admit it or not."
Jenny looked smug, "I always liked her."
"Aye," Jamie eyed both women, looking between them with a mock sternness, "and I ken ye and her will continue to be thick as thieves now that ye are officially sisters again."
"Now, James," Jenny rose to give her brother a kiss on the cheek, "I always thought of Eleanor as my sister...since the moment ye berated me before I even had the chance to get to ken the poor lass. Ye were so protective of her from the first days of yer marriage. But ye dinnae have to be so heavy handed because I did find a dear friend in our Eleanor. That dinnae change when ye decided to be so blasted fool heided aboot things. I am verra glad things are finally sorted."
Jamie laughed, "Weel, ye will get no arguments on that on my account, Janet."
"Goodnight brother," Jenny said, her arms hugging her brother.
Jamie gave her a kiss, "Goodnight, sister."
He slid in the chair beside Eleanor as Jenny took her tea cup and headed upstairs.
"Are ye enjoyin yer tea?"
Eleanor nodded, "Would you like some?"
"No, thank ye, but perhaps I can have a wee nip of whisky." Jamie put the bottle of whisky down with a tumbler, he was holding in his hand.
"Want to dump some of that in my tea?"
"Tis sacrilege," Jamie looked horrified and then eyed her suspiciously, "Why do ye want some?"
Eleanor bit her lip, "To fortify me."
"Christ," Jamie studied her carefully, "What is wrong? Get it out."
"I feel weird sharing the same bed you and Claire shared." Eleanor blurted out and then cringed, "I'm sorry. I know it's stupid and immature, but...it just the way I feel at the moment and maybe I will get used to it but..."
"Ye do realize that the bed ye and I shared fer the past two nights was the same un that Claire and I shared when we first moved here."
"Yes, but that was a necessity and I didn't quite make that connection but the room in this house...I mean it's so you and Claire. Her brush is still in the drawer and her dresses and nightclothes...I don't want to feel like an imposter here."
"Ye are my wife."
"And she is too. And she isn't dead...she isn't exactly alive either, but...it's just I don't know...disconcerting, you know?"
"Aye, ye dinnae have to say more. I ken yer meaning weel," Jamie sighed. "I dinnae care where we sleep, mo ghraidh."
"Truly?"
"Weel, truth be told, I dinnae relish being kicked out of my own bed, but...we can ask Jenny to move into our room and take the spare bedroom...jt might be more convenient so we can hear the wee uns if they need us. I never like us bein downstairs with the wee uns up, but Claire wished fer more privacy."
"If I am being silly..."
"Weel, ye are, but to tell ye the truth, I dinnae like to think aboot ye and John and the bed ye shared with him, so if ye are bein silly then ye are in verra gut company, are ye no?"
Eleanor sighed and then jumped up to lean down and wrap her arms around Jamie's neck. "Thank you for understanding me."
"Aye, of course. I am aiming to be gentler and more understanding or canna ye tell?" He reached down to pull her onto his lap as she laughed.
"I can tell. And I appreciate it. And it only makes me love you more."
Jamie nuzzled his head in her neck as she reached for her tea, taking a sip. And Jamie poured whisky for himself, holding her tightly against him.
"Today was a good day, was it no?"
Eleanor leaned her head into his neck, "The best as our son said."
"The first of many..."
"And for that I am ever grateful. I can't wait to grow old with you...although... in your case, perhaps I should say older."
"Ach," Jamie poked at her, "my witty lassie, ye arena a spring chicken any longer."
"You don't seem to mind..."
"Aye, ye are akin to a fine spirit...ye just get better with age."
She laughed at him, "So kind of you to say...and very diplomatic."
"Let me show ye how diplomatic I can be..." Jamie said.
Ellie laughed, "I'd welcome that."
Jamie grunted, letting out a low guttural groan, his passion being thwarted by the cries of a wee bairn in the other room.
They were still for a moment and the cry increased in fervor.
"I'll get him." He rolled out of bed and reached for his pants.
Eleanor struggled to catch her breath, "I'm sorry. We have a window for these things and we waited too long talking."
"Aye, I ken." He leaned to kiss her again, "Should we let him cry it out?"
"Not if you want all five of the children awake."
"Da! Hugh is crying!"
"Christ," Jamie swore, "Ye spoke too soon, mo ghraidh. That's Hope." He tossed her nightgown, "Make yerself presentable."
"For what it is worth, John did think investing in locks was a worthy endeavor."
Jamie winked at her and then carefully opened the door so it wouldn't creak and wake Mac and Sam whose room was closest to theirs.
Eleanor groaned in frustration at Hope's voice calling from down the hallway. "Just hurry up before she gets too loud."
"Christ," Jamie swore as they heard the pitter patter of feet coming down the hall. "I canna... even with the lock on the door. It's like a bucket of cold water on my nether regions."
Eleanor laughed despite Jamie's withering look.
"I'm sorry, I just adore your terminology," she said, sitting up and adjusting her shift over her legs and tying it back to make sure she was covered.
Jamie reached for his shirt. "This is the fourth night in a row."
"That's why I told you to make it quick and why I said don't bother to take off my shift."
Jamie shot her another scathing look and Eleanor shrugged, "I'm just being practical, James."
"Aye, but we have to get the bairns sleepin better. Ye are barely able to hold yer head up during the days."
"I don't know what is going on," Eleanor pulled the sheet up over her, just as Jamie unlocked the door to greet his youngest daughter, turning her around.
"I will rock ye for a bit and put ye back in yer own bed. Mama needs to sleep."
"But, I want to sleep with ye and mama! Hugh does when he cries," Hope cried. "It's dark in my room and I am so scarrit. Please, Da."
"Jamie," Eleanor interceded, "I don't think this is a battle for right this minute. And Hugh is cutting molars and Rosie is having nightmares again...so...I think we should sleep while we can anyway.""
"Aye, maybe ye are right," Jamie ran his hand through his curls before scooping up his wee daughter, "One more night, wee lassie."
Eleanor reached for Hope and cuddled her into her side, both of them falling asleep immediately.
Jamie sighed and then reached for a candle to go downstairs.
"I don't know what you want me to do about it!" Eleanor twisted her hands in her mittens. "It's not like our children will suddenly become good sleepers. They been like this for years..."
"Aye, but..." Jamie turned to look at her, "they never seemed this bad."
"You usually sleep through it...and John and I usually had to deal with them when at Fraser's Ridge," Eleanor said. "But Rosie used to crawl into bed with you and Claire."
"Aye, but..." Jamie groaned, "It wasna every night."
"Again...what do you want me to do about it? Hugh is still really little and..." she paused, "Please tell me this isn't about our sex being interrupted."
"No, not really aboot that," Jamie said, "Dinnae mistake me, I want ye badly, Ellie...but ye just seem...aloof."
"Honestly, I'm just so tired. It's hard for me to want it when I know at any moment we could be interrupted."
Jamie leaned against a tree, "Aye, I ken. But ye and John clearly found time fer each other."
Eleanor closed her eyes, trying to control her tendency to get defensive.. When she opened her eyes, she took a deep breath, "Lord John made sure we had uninterrupted time together, Jamie and in doing so, I was able to balance being a mother and a wife to him. He knew it was important for me, especially in the moments the children were being completely time consuming, that we had time to work on our marriage...and frankly...our intimacy... without me feeling the pressure of one of the kids needing me at any given moment."
"But how did ye do that with the wee uns afoot?"
"John and I had a lot of help at Josiah's Mount with the children. If there was a time, we didn't want to be interrupted, we made sure that people knew...and they cared for the children in those moments. But while Susanna is here, she has other duties and I do not think it fair for us to rely on her for everything with the children."
"I guess I dinnae realize how ye and John made all of this work."
Eleanor bit her lip, "You have been a very hands on father, Jamie. But we weren't doing it together...not truly. And now we have to find a path of how to balance the children with us. And I want to find that with you...but you have to help me. Because I do love you desperately. And want to be a good wife."
Jamie reached for her, "Ye are a verra gut wife, mo ghraidh. Tis not aboot that. Tis aboot holdin on to the joy we have when we are one."
She swallowed hard, "Jamie, I am really struggling with feeling like I can't meet your passion in the day to day of our lives."
"I ken. And now I ken why. We have almost twice the amount of wee uns as we had when we were marrit before. And Lallybroch, we always had someone around if ye and I needed to sneak away, tis easier when there is only two or three, is it no?"
"That's very true," She put her arms around his neck and he pulled her close. "So what are we going to do about it?"
"What do ye think we should do about it, mo ghraidh?"
"Hum," Eleanor leaned her head on his chest, enjoying the feel of his arms around her, "Since we don't have the luxury of extra help, we can work on it with the little ones about making them more independent about falling back asleep."
"Except the wee bairn," Jamie said, "he is too wee. But not Hope or the others."
"And I will try to relax a little bit...I think sometimes, I put expectations on myself which isn't fair to either of us."
He reached to tip up her chin to look into her eyes, "I truly thought, me wee besom, this was goin to be a blow up between ye and I."
"Maybe we have learned how to finally be married to each other, James." She murmured, "I'm just sorry if I made you feel like I don't value this between us because I do."
"And I am sorrit if I made ye feel that tis all aboot our passion. I told ye that if ye lacked it from time to time, I would be patient. And I will," He vowed, kissing her cold cheek. "Ye are chilled, lassie. Let us get back to the warm house." He held out his hand, offering it to her. She took it, their hands clad through their gloves.
"But," Hope's bottom lip trembled, "Tis not fair."
"Hope, sweetheart," Eleanor put her arm around Hope's shoulders, "You aren't a baby any longer. This is part of being a big girl."
"But what if I am scared? Papa always made sure I was taken care of."
Eleanor looked to Jamie because Hope did have a point- John always made that in lieu of him or Eleanor, that the children had someone to comfort them if they needed it.
"Weel," Jamie bounced Hugh on his knee, "Mama and I are sayin to try some things before ye come to us."
"Aye," Sam nodded, sliding beside his little sister, "Like I try to count sheep or imagine things in my brain. Like goin to war as a brave solider."
Eleanor titled her head and frowned, "Do you imagine shooting things as you try to get back to sleep, Samuel?"
Jamie cleared his throat, "Not abnormal for a wee laddie at this time, mo ghraidh. Of course, Hope, ye would want to imagine other things..."
"Like being a princess like Papa said I was," Hope bounced excitedly on the couch. "In London."
"Exactly," Eleanor leaned to kiss her hair, "Now if you really have a bad dream like Rosie is having, you can come to us, sweetheart. But if the door is closed, you got to wait a second and knock. No screaming, okay?"
She nodded, "And if I am a good girl, can I have that dollie I showed Papa?"
Eleanor exchanged a look with Jamie, who raised an eyebrow, "I think ye will be a verra gut wee lassie because tis the right thing to do, dinnae ye think?"
"But Papa said he would get us dollies from London."
"Papa isna here," Sam groaned, "How many times must we tell ye, Hope? Good Lord, ye are stupid."
"Samuel!" Jamie snapped, "Enough out of ye or ye and I will have a wee chat outside, aye?"
"I dinnae ken why I am here anyway...I dinnae wake ye and Mama up. And why are ye and Mama sleepin in the same room anyway?"
Eleanor reached to pick up and put Hope on her lap, kissing her curls before reaching to put an arm around Sam, "Well, because your Da and I decided that we loved each other so much that we wanted to be married again."
Rosie looked between her parents and then at Mac, "Do ye love Mama, then Da? Like Papa did?"
"Of course, I do, Rose," Jamie said, "I loved yer Mama for a verra long time."
Mac sat quietly, looking between his parents.
"Mac?" Eleanor asked, her voice low, "Do you have questions or concerns?"
Mac shrugged, "May I be excused? As Sam said, I dinnae think this really applies to me."
There was an uncharacteristic defiance to his tone. Expected of Samuel, yes, but never Mac.
"Ye will be excused when I tell ye are. And I or yer mama decide what applies to ye and yer brother."
Mac shrugged, "Fine."
"James Mackenzie," Jamie stared hard at him, "Adjust yer attitude, now." He stopped bouncing Hugh to study his son.
"Why?" Mac stood up, "I dinnae see why we have to be happy that ye and mama are somehow marrit again."
"Why wouldn't you be?" Eleanor frowned from over Hope's curls.
"Because tis only a matter of time before Claire comes back and Da decides that he dinnae want to be marrit to ye anymore."
Eleanor's mouth dropped. "Mac. Is that really what you think?"
"Aye. Because its true."
Rosie's mouth quivered, "Is it true? We arena goin to be a family forever?"
"No, tis not true," Jamie said, standing. He handed the baby to Sam. "Sam, go take the bairn to Susanna. Rosie and Hope, go upstairs to your room and play with your dollies."
Hope slid from Eleanor's lap and took Rosie's hand. Sam adjusted Hugh on his hip and they all left the room, closing the door behind him.
"Now," Jamie stood and pointed to a chair, "Sit, James."
Mac knowing Jamie's tone, didn't dare not.
Eleanor put her head in her hands, sighing, trying to gather her patience, her composure...and quell the fear in her heart that...the phrase out of the mouths of babes was completely accurate.
"Eleanor."
Jamie's voice compelled her head up and for her to meet his eyes. He nodded at her and then turned to Mac.
"Why would ye say such things?" Jamie demanded, his forehead creased.
"I ken that Claire isna dead. She is with Brianna, Roger and Jemmy and the baby in their time. She dinnae stay there once. She came back and ye decided that ye dinnae want to be marrit to our mama any longer. That ye loved Claire more than Mama and us."
"Is that what you thought happened this entire time?" Eleanor asked, her voice cracking. "But you were so young."
"I remember ye crying, Mama. All the time. Because of Da. And when Da came fer us, he was still with Claire. And then ye and Da just fought until Lord John made ye happier. What happens when Claire comes back and Papa isna here to make things better fer ye?"
"Claire isna coming back, Mac," Jamie said, "And I dinnae think ye understand all of what happened because as yer mama said, ye were so verra wee."
Mac was quiet and very still.
"Mac," Eleanor rose and then knelt beside his chair, "Sweetheart," she turned his head, "Your father is a honorable man. A very good man. And we have a chance to be a family again...full time. I know what you are saying about the past and I'm sure this is all difficult to understand especially since you know the truth...but your father and I have always loved each other. And I trust your Da's word...that he will honor the vows he made to me."
"I just dinnae think it will be forever, mama," Mac said, quietly, "I'm sorry."
"Then," Jamie knelt in front of his son. "I will have to prove ye wrong. I will do right by your mama, James Mackenzie and by ye and by all yer brothers and sisters."
Mac nodded and Jamie leaned to plant a kiss on his forehead. "Blood of my blood. Ye will be a fine leader of our clan one day. Now go on upstairs with ye. I wish to speak to yer mama privately."
Eleanor reached to give Mac a hug before sitting back down on the couch.
Jamie sat down next to her and put a hand on her knee, "I want ye to ken now once and fer all so ye can put it away from yer mind. Mac is wrong. If Claire was fer any reason to return to me, ye are the one I would choose...and not because of the vow I made to ye but because ye are a part of my heart and I canna be parted from ye."
She swallowed hard, tears springing to her eyes, "But I am so imperfect."
"But ye are perfectly mine, Eleanor Rose. And I do love ye so verra much."
She turned her head and kissed him, passionately before resting her forehead on his, twining her hands through his, "Thank you for not getting offended by Mac."
"He loves ye, Eleanor. I ken he loves me too, but I dinnae realize in his quietness, what he was harboring in his soul. And now, I ken...I can work to restore trust. I canna abide by havin my son doubt my honor as a man...but tis my burden to bear, not his."
Eleanor leaned to kiss him again, "You are a very good man. And good father. We all have done wrong by each other. Mac will learn that this world is not so black and white as his little boy brain likes to think."
"Although, I ken ye are right, I wanna protect that innocence as long as we can, mo ghraidh."
"We will strive to do so...together."
Eleanor wrapped her shawl around her shoulders and headed to check on Jamie in the barn, who was working on building some furniture. The wee uns were tucked in for the night and Eleanor had asked Susanna and Jenny to keep their ear out from them.
"Come to inspect my progress, my wee besom?" Jamie asked. She had very roughly sketched her vision for the pieces (a dresser for the wee lasses and a new larger table) and Jamie was bringing them to life. "What is it?" he frowned at her look.
"I want you," Eleanor blurted out, "Like so much my heart feels like it might burst."
"Do ye now?" Jamie asked, putting down his hammer.
"It has been like a month. I made sure that Susanna and Jenny are watching the children and I can't take this celibacy any longer. It's crazy that we can't manage to make this work."
"Aye, but why all the sudden?"
"Are we going to stand here and analyze it or are you going to take me in this barn?" Eleanor demanded.
Jamie crossed the divide in record time, his mouth on hers. "I dinnae ken what has come over ye, but I will take ye...wherever ye want, mo ghraidh." He grabbed her hard and lifted her onto his hips, shoving her against the wall.
Later, Jamie twisted a tendril of her hair in his finger as she leaned against him, sitting on a blanket on the floor of the barn, Jamie's back against the wall. "Ye are a surprise at times, Eleanor. I have never seen ye so demanding in our marriage bed."
"I guess I was just thinking as I was getting ready for bed about how you and John...and Will...you three bring out different parts of me. And how lucky I am to be loved by three very different men...and it made me want to make sure I was honoring that...it just made me want your arms around me, not matter where...no matter how. I just needed you so badly."
"What part of ye do I bring out, my wee besom?"
Eleanor turned around to give him a long, slow kiss. "The untamed part."
Jamie laughed, "Aye."
"And perhaps..." She gave him another kiss, "The naughty parts of me.."
"I see," Jamie smirked at her, "Ye can be naughty with me all ye want, lassie. But I'd rather ye be naughty in other ways than ye just allowing yer dreadful temper to match mine."
"I'm sure..." she reached to rub his stubble, "And maybe...the part of me that wants to dance in the rain...run through wildflowers..." She kissed him again.
"I'm the fire."
"Yes, you are." She paused, "I never thought we would have this again. And I am just so grateful for it all."
"Aye, me as weel, mo ghraidh. We are a family. A clan."
"Til death do we part."
"Til death do we part."
"You can't go and confront Tryon," Hal said, his hand on his brother's arm. "What are you going to do, John? Request a duel?"
John shrugged off his brother's touch, "I do believe I will have some time to think about it on the way back to the colonies and plot my next steps."
"What about William?"
"He will come with me. We will have the estate managed for now. He needs to be with our family. I will settle those matter in the next few days and hopefully leave in a fortnight."
"I can't go with you."
"Of course, I would not expect that."
"But I have concerns of you doing this on your own, especially with a man like Tryon."
John reached for more shirts to lay in his suitcase. "I would not worry about Tryon."
"We have servants for that you know."
"I prefer to do it on my own...Tom is the only one I trust with the task and he is with William," John said and then paused, "Oh, drat. I promised Hope a doll. And young Rose."
"Minnie can go out this afternoon."
"No, I will do so myself. I know the kind she likes. She can be particular. And perhaps a toy for Hugh. He must be so big now...not a baby any longer. I missed so much. And I need to think about Sam and Mac."
Hugh stilled, "You enjoy being a father, do you not?"
"I do. Very much so. The children are very lively, not unlike your own...but are also such a brilliant blend of Eleanor and Fraser. Each different in their own way...but very dear to me."
"Then will you fight also for Eleanor?"
"As I said, I have time to plan my next steps." John looked at his brother, "But the truth of the matter is, that I cannot go on allowing Eleanor to think I have perished. In fairness to our vows and then son she borne me, she must know the truth. Wherever that might lead us."
"And young Hugh needs his father. He is a Grey."
"Indeed, he is."
"If it comes to it, will you allow Fraser to raise your son?"
John paused and then folded his clothes with more force, "If I was truly gone, I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. But I am not. And I lost our father at such a young age. I do not wish to be a father in name only. Granted what all this means, I do not know. All I know is that I cannot live with Eleanor not knowing the truth...of what happened and why. And Tryon must be called to pay accounts for it."
"As you say."
"Do you disagree?"
"Tryon could not force your wife into Fraser's arms."
"It is more complicated than all that," John said.
"It doesn't seem so."
"Well, believe me, it is," John said, closing his case. "Thank you for going to the club with me and your superior interrogation skills. You are quite persuasive, your grace."
"Of course," Hal nodded, "You will take care, won't you?"
"I will take care. Do not worry. I will write."
"See that you do."
"Goodbye, Hal."
"Goodbye brother."
And with that, John left for Hellswater to retrieve William...the sooner he got back to the colonies, the better. He was just fortifying himself for what he might find when he returned.
A/N: Ahh, so now we come to it. I have been writing this story organically...and now I feel like I wrote myself in a corner because I want her so badly with both of them! ha ha! I think John is her soulmate and instinctively gets her...and is most likely the better man...but Jamie...he brings out something in her that she longs for and they are in a very sweet place...and have four kids together, so...this is hard! Who has thoughts? Suggestions? Would love to hear what you think! Drop a review. :)