A/N: thank you for EVERYONE who has taken the time to review. We just got back from vacation, which must have been what I needed because this chapter just flowed out. Strong T-rating though on this one.
Chapter 52:
Jamie handed Eleanor, a mug of steaming tea and then sat next to her on the porch swing.
She stared out at the night sky, watching the stars, grateful the wee ones were finally asleep.
Jamie bumped her shoulder playfully, trying to lighten her mood. "Are ye thinkin on John, lass?"
"Yes, I suppose I am," she said, softly.
"Because of the bairn tonight," Jamie said, knowingly.
"It bothered me that Hugh called you Da." She turned her head, "I know it shouldn't have and I am grateful for you raising Hugh just like John helped me with ours, but..."
"Ye are protective over John' memory because ye ken that Hugh is the only un that John couldha truly claimed as his own. Not that he dinnae love the others as his own, but somethin about seein yerself in yer child, that ye ken that yer own blood courses through their veins... tis different than bein a child of yer heart. The thought of Brianna bein raised by Frank and never ken me as her father when she was but a wee bairn...I canna tell ye how it hurt, even though I was grateful fer the way she was raised."
Eleanor dropped her head on Jamie's shoulder and he reached out to put his hand on her knee. "I see it more in this time than my own...that pull of a man's blood. And yet, Fergus is just as much your son as William or Mac or Sam."
"Aye, he is. But Fergus dinnae ken his father...and ye wish that Hugh could ken his father."
She covered his hand with hers, "Yes, exactly. When John was alive and our little ones started calling him Papa, it was different because they still knew and loved and cherished you. But Hugh can never know John. And I see John in Hugh's smile, his eyes, his mannerisms even...and I'm just sad. John never though he would have children of his own, never really wanted them, until..."
"Until he found a woman capable of stealing his heart," Jamie squeezed her hand, kissing her hand, "Away from his wee perversions."
"Oh, Jamie," Eleanor chided, rolling her eyes. "Just because you don't understand..."
"Aye, I canna...but" Jamie paused, "I still count him as un of my greatest friends."
"I am pretty sure he went to his grave still loving you," Eleanor said, softly.
"Aye, I ken he did," Jamie scooted her into him and put his arm around her shoulders, tucking her into his side. "Ye are cold."
"I just needed some air." She let out a long breath, "Do you feel like it is different this time around?"
"Being marrit to ye?"
She nodded.
"Aye, ye are much more weel behaved."
She laughed and poked him. "That's not what I meant."
"Isna it?" Jamie laughed, "Verra weel, mo ghraidh. Aye, I ken there is a difference. We are more at peace with un another...more of un mind raisin our wee bairns. Yer will is softer towards me...and ye arena fighten fer yer independence so fiercely..."
"I feel more settled, Jamie...all in all. And that has alot to do with you. And I guess, I just wanted to say thank you."
He reached to grip her face, "Ye dinnae have to thank me fer bein the husband ye need...the husband I wasna able to be before because I was too fierce in my own want and pride."
"Or you are just too old to fight with me," Eleanor said, her eyes dancing in the moonlight.
"I can assure ye that is no the case," Jamie snorted, pulling away and reaching for her mug. He placed it down beside them and then reached for the lantern that was on the porch. "But in case ye are in doubt, come with me."
He gripped her hand, tugging her up, hard.
"Where are we going?" Eleanor asked.
"Away from the house."
"Why is that necessary?" she asked, but her stomach did butterflies, she amazed that so many years later, Jamie could still invoke such feelings in her...that feeling of nervous anticipation and want.
"I aim to take ye in a way that makes ye scream...and then, when ye are rested, I am going to take ye another way that makes ye scream more. And finally, when ye just feel like ye canna take any more...when ye are fraught from exhaustion and unable to move for the ache, I'm gonna take ye again. All in all, I dinnae think ye would appreciate wakin the wee uns with all the noise I am goin to invoke in ye. But I am a wee bit tired of ye goin on and on aboot my age. Ye issued a challenge, Mistress Fraser, un that I am more than happy to accept...to prove my virility at such my advanced age."
Eleanor's mouth dropped. "I was teasing you."
"Aye I ken," Jamie's look was absolutely wicked in the lantern light. "And I am goin to have loads of fun with ye tonight. What was that book ye told me aboot when we were first wed?"
Eleanor swallowed hard, "Fifty Shades of Grey."
"Aye...ye can tell me aboot it again, on the way to the cabin. We will build a fire and I will plan my strategy."
Eleanor bit her thumb.
"Are ye not up for the challenge, Mistress Fraser?" Jamie titled his head, "Maybe it isna me that is so auld?"
"No, I'm just..." Eleanor looked at him, in wonder, "Nervous."
"Gut way or bad?"
"Good," she whispered and he winked at her.
"It's how I like ye, mo ghraidh."
"What about the kids?"
Jamie held up his hand and popped his head in the door, "Jenny, can ye listen out fer the wee uns? Eleanor and I need some private time."
Jenny's laughter filled the air. "Aye, brother."
"Are you sure?" Eleanor popped her head in, "It may take a while."
"I should hope," Jamie poked at her and Jenny laughed harder.
"Stay the night. I will have the wee uns, tonight."
Jamie shut the door and grinned. "Weel?"
"Damn."
His threw back his head and roared with laughter. And then, picked her up, plopped her over his shoulder and carried her all the way to Bree and Roger's old cabin.
Jamie held her tight in his arms, whispering soothing words to her, trying to restore the balance in their relationship, knowing how vulnerable she made herself to him tonight. Eleanor liked her control, just as much as he did, but she conceded it and allowed him free reign...and he had taken advantage of that submission...he had all but tortured her with his control over her. Granted, he ken she liked it, but Eleanor tended to reflect a bit too heavily on things.
He pushed her to her limits and truth be told, even Jamie was wondering if he pushed her a bit over them, but God, he loved her for getting out of her comfortable spot with him and meeting him with such tenacity, even if he knew at moments, she had to reach for it.
She gripped at his arms, "Jamie?"
"Aye, lass?"
"I love you very much. And I love this life we are creating together...finding this balance with each other. I do not think I would have done this with you all those years ago...well, not to this extent."
"Aye, ye have aged verra weel, lass of mine."
She leaned over, very carefully, to kiss him gently. Then, she leaned to whisper in his ear...giving him an earful about all the places that now hurt and ached, causing Jamie to snort and then apologize and then laugh...in only the way Eleanor could make him.
"I can't wait to grow older with ye, lass," Jamie said. "It willna be dull, that's fer certain, even when are wee uns are grown."
"When do ye think we will stop doing stuff like his?"
"Stuff like this?" Jamie's look was horrified as he poked her, playfully. "Not fer a verra long time, I think."
Eleanor giggled, "Knowing you, I do not doubt it. I can't wait to grow old with you either."
Days later, Eleanor let out a long breath as she approached Jamie.
"Hey, Jamie?"
Jamie pitched a pile of hay. "Hay is for horses, Eleanor," he said, dryly.
"Yes, I know," she laughed, "Are you busy?"
"Aye."
"Could you be less busy?"
He nodded, "What do ye need lass?"
"Marsali saw a patient today. I happened to be there and she wanted me to talk to her."
"Aboot?"
"Her husband is forcing her into intimacy. And I think...I mean, she had bruises. She denied it, but I think he is hurting her."
"I ken ye mean weel," Jamie put his pitchfork down, "but ye canna get involved."
"No, but...they are tenants on the Ridge...and...you are you, so..." her voice trailed off at his look.
"I willna interfere."
"But he is abusing her."
"Ye dinnae ken that."
"She has bruises."
"I have beat you before, lass. And when I did, ye had bruises. And I ken John did so as weel."
"You don't understand," Eleanor almost looked hurt.
"Then, help me to," Jamie's eyes were on her.
"It was consensual, James, well after that first time, it was. And if there were bruises, which I do not remember there being, they were on my bum, not any where else. And you have never forced me into sex to have our child. And it seems like, maybe, I mean...he was at Culloden and in Ardsmuir with you, and he is so much older than her, maybe there is some post traumatic stress there which is causing undue anger and frustration...like he is still at war. Do you get what I mean?"
"Aye, maybe, Claire explained it to me, but still..."
"She doesn't want to bring a child into this situation. And I do not fault her for not wanting to."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her what I knew so she most likely wouldn't get pregnant."
Jamie let out a long breath, "I wish ye hadn't."
"What would Claire have done?"
"Oh," Jamie picked up his pitchfork, flinging hay, "the verra same."
"And she actually wants me to speak to another friend of hers."
"Good Lord, lass." Jamie closed his eyes, "Ye canna interfere in people's marrit bed."
"But...Jamie, hear me out. These women are oppressed and alot of these marriages were out of necessity..."
"As was our first one, or did ye no remember?"
"I remember! And mine with John was as well...but the difference was you and Lord John both...there was respect, understanding, communication."
"These are verra gut men."
"But their wives are suffering...so I don't care if they are good men."
"Are ye certain it isna no a result of just the differences between yer time and ours?" Jamie asked, quietly.
"No! It's not!" Eleanor was aghast, "I have lived in this time for years!"
"Aye, but we were at Lallybroch and then you were with John. Your interactions were limited and this is a different type of life. More marriages are out of necessity than love."
"I just want to make sure..." Eleanor let out a long breath, "if these women come to me for help or advise, you will support the answers I give them."
Jamie paused. "Let's take a walk, then," he said, reaching for her hand.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Of course, I am no," Jamie said, squeezing her hand. "We just need to discuss this and the matter does need my full attention. And we need to be away from prying ears ad eyes."
She nodded. "Okay."
He led her down the path towards the river, "Ye are right, Claire woulda done the same thing, but she was a healer and perhaps a wee bit more qualified to give such advice."
"But I am a woman...and I do know things to help." Eleanor said, quietly. "And I have lived with a man I did not love like that, one who was much older than me...so I do have some perspective, which is more than Claire can even say. Abuse or not aside for a moment, I know the struggle, Jamie, and if I can help, then please allow me to without worrying if you will get pissed off at me for it."
"Watch your language, lass," Jamie admonished.
"I thought that was why we were away from the house, so I could speak freely."
"Good Lord," Jamie snorted, "I am going to put soap in your mouth. Our wee uns are goin to start copyin ye."
"Hope already said..." Eleanor blushed, "Never mind. I wasn't going to tell you."
Jamie looked at her, waiting expectedly.
"We are talking about something else."
"Verra weel, we will talk aboot Hope later."
"So..." Eleanor stopped walking and turned to face him, "I need to know you are okay with me being open about things."
Jamie mulled it over for a few moments before letting out a long breath, "Aye, if ye feel so strongly aboot it." He started walking again with her, then paused abruptly and turned, "Eleanor."
"What is it?" Eleanor asked, at Jamie's distressed look.
"Murtagh dinnae force ye into his bed, did he?" his frown was deep. "I ken to consummate the marriage, but then..." he paused. "Did he force ye after that?"
Eleanor stilled. "I...I'm not sure..." she paused, "I do not think it is wise to talk about it considering..."
"Ye must tell me," Jamie reached for her hand. "I thought I ken everything aboot ye...and if this has affected ye in such ways then...I'm yer husband, Eleanor."
"He was yer godfather."
"And I love him dearly, as I love ye and I ken ye loved him as weel so..."
"It's the past."
"Affecting the present. Go on, mo ghraidh. I wish to ken."
"Very well," she swallowed hard, "It was so complicated," her voice was soft, "I did love him, as a friend and I will always be grateful to him for alot of things, but while he did not physically force me, there were demands in that regard. I was not given a choice to say no...not until after the children were taken."
"I put demands on ye when we first wed."
"Yes, but..." Eleanor blushed, "there was attraction there, Jamie. As was there with Lord John. And Murtagh could have been my father, easily. You are older than me and Murtagh could have been your father, so...it was uncomfortable for me. I was still breast feeding Rosie, which made things a bit difficult...to be touched in places..."
"Did you tell him?"
"Of course, but he thought I was being I don't know...silly, I guess..." she shrugged. "And I guess I was, since he didn't mind me...spilling milk everywhere."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I wouldna think he would mind that, but I can see how ye would feel differently..."
"Because it wasn't you, Jamie. I couldn't turn off feeling married to you, how comfortable I was with you...how much I loved being with you even when it hurt after Rosie."
"Did it hurt then?" Jamie's voice was quiet.
Eleanor's lip trembled. "Yes."
"Often?"
"Every time. It hurt and he still wanted me to try even though I would cry afterwards. You would say it was his right and that is true, but...just because it is your right, doesn't always mean that it is right," she paused, "I loved him dearly, Jamie, we made our peace with the outcome of our marriage a long time ago, and he is gone now, I do not wish to rehash this. He was good to me but we were just from two different worlds and perspectives...and to him, he felt if we just plowed through it, eventually I would get used to it."
He paused and then turned towards her, pulling her into his arms, "I'm so verra sorrit fer it, Eleanor. Fer him and fer ye."
She buried her head in his shoulder, "Did you ever wonder why Murtagh didn't make such a fuss over Lord John and I?"
"I thought it was because yer marrit was legal with Lord John."
"Yes, but it was also because he saw that John made me happy and that I was attracted to him."
"Did Lord John ken what ye told me about yer marriage to Murtagh?"
Eleanor pulled away, "Yes, he got that information out of me the first night before he even attempted to consummate our marriage. He told me that while he wanted us to have a marriage that was more than just in name only, he would never force me into his bed. He gave me the right to choose what I felt comfortable with."
"And ye wanted a real marriage with him."
"I did," Eleanor said, softly. "I wanted to give him the chance to prove to himself that he was an honorable and worthy husband...and that what happened with Isobel wasn't solely resting on his shoulders. And I wanted him to have a child of his own." She smiled at him, "I mean, we were both nervous as anything about it, but I felt like I could be myself with him...and I knew that if things were bad or uncomfortable or awkward, he would know exactly what to say and do, because he always did. But I do think that night, he felt the weight of my past...and his as well."
"Aye."
"So, to reassure him, I told him about the first time we made love."
Jamie snorted and then leaned to kiss her, "I wouldna call that makin love, mo ghraidh."
"I told him not to tell you I told him, but yes, that was unfortunate, wasn't it?"
"Aye," Jamie cringed.
"You have more than made up for that night, James," Eleanor said, poking at him. "And he asked about my first time."
Jamie titled his head, "He wanted to get into yer wee heid so he could figure out how to bed ye best. Or he was just scarrit of ye and delayin time."
"Regardless, it was a very good strategy. It built emotional intimacy which made the transition to physical intimacy so much easier."
"Weel, I'm sure it was better than our weddin night."
She laughed, "The first one, for certain. It couldn't get much worse."
Jamie looked horrified, but then he nodded, "Aye, yer right."
"But that wasn't our only wedding night."
"Aye, verra true," he leaned to kiss her, passionately, "I am glad fer the do over."
"Do you see my point though...?"
He looked at her for a few moments, assessing her. "Aye, I suppose I do."
"I understand you not feeling like you can interfere unless it is overt and blatant, but perhaps, you could just keep an eye on it. I mean, surely, that's a reasonable ask. You are laird of the Ridge...and these are your men."
"I just dinnae want ye to be misreadin the situation and then I get involved in somethin that isna what it seems."
"But if I am not..."
"Aye, I see yer point," Jamie nodded. "Verra weel. And if ye feel like ye have the opportunity to advise the women of the Ridge, then I ask ye to be discreet and use discernment, mo ghraidh."
"Of course," Eleanor smiled at him. She searched his eyes, "You know I loved Murtagh and I thought he was a wonderful man...a little abrasive at times, but kind deep down."
"Aye, I ken."
"He meant well. He did what he thought was best."
"Aye, I ken. I shoulda..." Jamie sighed, "I dinnae want to think aboot it, so...I never thought to..."
"It wasn't any of your business."
"Aye, but ye were always goin to be my business, mo ghraidh. And now that we are wed again, if this is somethin in yer past that hurt ye, then I would want ye to tell me aboot it."
"John helped me put it behind me, Jamie. Don't worry. I guess I suppose talking to some of these women who are forced into these marriages, due to circumstances beyond their control, it just brought it back."
"They can learn to love their husbands as ye learned to love me."
"I suppose," Eleanor said, "if they are treated kindly and with respect...which seems to be a bit lacking."
Jamie titled his head back and forth, trying to contemplate her words, "Aye, I ken."
"Maybe you can discourage such unions to begin with." Eleanor suggested.
"Tis better than starvin, lass."
Eleanor reached for Jamie's hand, "I want better for Rose and Hope, Jamie."
"Aye, I ken. They will stay with us until they have a proper love match. I willna allow them to settle for less."
She leaned to kiss Jamie. "I don't suppose while you are feeling so amenable and reasonable, we can discuss building a school on the Ridge."
"Perhaps not today, lassie." he grunted, but then pulled her closer for another kiss, "We will discuss it tomorrow."
"Wonderful, I will start making up the plans then," her look was sassy.
"Aye, discuss...not agree."
"That's all I ask. To be heard. And allowed to persuade."
Jamie grunted and then swatted at her. "Chores arena goin to do themselves."
"Thanks for taking a break for me," Ellie kissed him again.
"Of course," Jamie smiled at her and then reached for her arm, pulling her back to him, "Wait a moment. Tell me aboot Hope."
"I'm so sure you are too busy. We have delayed chores way too long."
"She's my daughter, Eleanor." He raised an eyebrow, "How bad is it?"
"Well," Eleanor looked properly subdued, "Well...so..."
"Aye?" his eyes were on her.
Eleanor bit her lip, "Perhaps...maybe..."
"Spit it out."
"She taught Germain the f-word."
"Eleanor Rose Fraser!" Jamie growled. "The word doesna exist during our time, is downright vulgar and now our wee bairn...a wee lassie to boot, is repeatin it to her cousin?"
"Technically speaking, Germain is her nephew but..." her voice trailed off.
Jamie glared at her, crossing her arms.
"I only have let it slip once or twice...in really bad mama moments...and usually under my breath...but Hope is so damn...Hope and..." She winced, "at least, no one knows what it means!"
Jamie shook his head, "What am I to do with you?"
"Love me?" Eleanor suggested helpfully.
"Aye, I do that," Jamie reached for her. "Chores can wait."
"What are you doing to do?"
"The f-word," Jamie gave her a big grin. "with you, wife."
"But, it's muddy and..."
"Against a tree, it is then..." He kissed her neck. "Someplace hidden. Come I know the perfect spot," he reached for hand, leading her away. "The f-word, Christ, Ellie."
"I know, it's awful!" Eleanor cringed. "It was mortifying."
"Were you truly no goin to tell me?"
"Um..." Eleanor forced a smile, "No, I wasn't. Maybe on Hope's wedding day as a cute antidote."
Jamie swatted at her bottom, "Did you spank her?"
"Of course not, it was my fault. She doesn't know its so bad...or maybe she does, but I did talk to her about never saying such things again...especially in front of you because I could be in so much trouble with her Da."
"Hum," Jamie raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?"
"No," Eleanor wagged her finger, "You said never again."
"I said I wouldna beat ye," Jamie grinned at her, "I did no say that I wouldna give ye a few weel deserved swats as what do ye call it?"
"Foreplay."
"Aye, the other f-word," Jamie nodded, "Come along then."
She couldn't help but laugh.
Eleanor juggled a wailing Hugh in her arms, "It's okay, baby. Jenny, he's really gushing." Eleanor tried to staunch the bleeding with her fingers.
"Aye," Jenny said, reaching for the cloth to hand to her, "he rammed his wee heid into the corner of the table. He willna be worse for the wear though I ken it pains him now."
"I should have watched him more carefully."
"Ye canna watch him all the time. Dinna fash, sister. Tis a verra common child ailment to have gashes and cuts and bruises."
"They never been bad enough for stitches."
"Weel, there is always a first fer everything even seven wee bairns into parenting, Eleanor," Jamie came in the surgery. "Marsali can stitch him." He nodded to his daughter in law.
"Aye, dinnae fash," Marsali said.
"Here, give me the wee bairn. Come to Da, Hugh." Jamie gently pried Hugh out of Eleanor's arms. Hugh's little hands clung to Jamie as he began to soothe him in Gaelic.
"Ye are goin to have to hold him down, Jamie," Jenny said.
"Aye, of course," Jamie patted Hugh's back, soothingly. "Tis only a stitch or two, my wee un."
Eleanor's lip began to tremble and Jamie looked at her, "Tis only a stitch or two, my wee un," he repeated, a twinkle in his eyes.
Tears flooded her eyes. "He is going to have a scar."
"Like a solider," Ian said from the doorway. "He will be in verra gut, company, Auntie."
Eleanor let out a breath and looked to Jamie.
"Go on and check on Hope and Rosie," Jamie said, quietly, "I am fine with Hugh."
"You have chores."
"The others can do it," he responded, "I'm where I am needed...with our bairn. Ye arena goin to have the heart to hold the wee un while he screams."
"Come, Aunt Eleanor," Ian put his arm around his aunt. "It will be over before ye ken." He looked to Jamie, "I will stay with her."
"Aye, thank ye, Ian." Jamie smiled at his nephew as he guided his Aunt out the door.
"Eleanor has such a tender heart, brother," Jenny said, taking Hugh's finger. "Tis just a stitch."
"Aye, but she feels guilty that it is Hugh. She has put a burden upon herself when it comes to the child."
"Because of Hugh's father?"
"Aye, she fears disappointing John." Jamie said, kissing Hugh's head as he calmed down. "She wants to raise him perfectly to honor John and I dinnae think that included things like weaning him early or stitches."
"She canna put that upon herself."
"Aye, I ken."
"She'll end up drivin herself mad," Jenny said. "And the bairn will grow spoiled."
"Aye, I ken." Jamie nodded, "I'll talk with her aboot it."
Jenny nodded, "Did ye ken she wants to build a school?"
"Aye," Jamie nodded. "She hasna convinced me of it yet, but there are plenty of wee uns runnin around that would benefit from it."
"If no, then did ye think of what to do with Mac and Sam? They are growin older...they do need some learnin and while Eleanor does weel teachin them, she canna run the Ridge and teach the lads."
"I do think she would rather teach, then keep the Ridge," Jamie said, honestly.
"Perhaps tis time to have a housekeeper," Jenny said. "Susanna does weel, but she could help Lizzy with Hugh and the wee lassies, while Eleanor teaches the bairns."
"She is goin to want Rosie and Hope and the other wee lasses to join."
"Aye, I suspect she would," Jenny raised an eyebrow, "but Rosie and Hope need to be educated in other ways."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, quietly. "Tis not a conversation I relish having with Eleanor."
"When ye are marrit, those are often the most necessary ones to have, are they no?" Jenny asked, quietly.
"Aye, they are," Jamie said, quietly.
Eleanor rocked Hugh, him sleeping against her.
"Do ye want me to put the bairn in his crib?" Jamie asked, quietly, leaning to give the bairn a kiss on the head before kissing her on the lips.
"Not yet, I think." She frowned, "Maybe he should sleep with us tonight from the start so I can keep an eye on him. I think his cut hurts him. And we don't have any pain reliever for the little ones in this century."
"Eleanor," Jamie put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it before pulling up a chair to sit beside her. "Do ye feel like the bairn needs it or ye need it? Ye havena put the bairn down since he got hurt. And he has been fine. Wants a wee bit more coddlin but there were plenty of us willin to provide that to him as weel as his siblings. But ye wouldna let him out of your arms."
She swallowed hard, "Sometimes when something happens to Hugh..." she paused and then look at Jamie...
"Ye feel like ye are failin Lord John."
She nodded.
"Lord John wouldna wish ye to put that burden on yerself. He ken that accidents happen and that ye will do yer best by his child, Eleanor. He loved ye and he ken ye as a mother as weel. And ye loved both the wife in ye and the mother in ye."
"I just want to give Hugh the best life possible...for Lord John."
"Ye will end up spoilin the wee bairn. He isna old enough that his will has taken over, but that is comin soon. And he will make mistakes and he will need to be corrected and punished. I will be Hugh's stepfather, but he will be raised as a Fraser is raised...with plenty of love and a wee bit of discipline when warranted. Considerin the grief ye gave me over our wee uns that we have finally come to peace with, I willna have it start again because of Hugh."
"Can we just talk about it when it happens?"
"No," Jamie shook his head. "Best to talk aboot it now before it happens. The others will see the difference and think ye favor Hugh."
"That's ridiculous."
"No, lass, it's not because it would be true."
"Jamie," Eleanor sighed. "I have a headache."
"Do ye?" Jamie frowned.
"It's beginning to throb. I think I am stressed over Hugh and hormonal."
"Aye, but..." Jamie titled his head, challenging, "the timing of yer headache is awfully suspect, mo ghraidh."
She let out a long breath, "I'll think about what you said."
"Verra gut," Jamie rose and then leaned down and managed to pry Hugh out of her arms, "In the meantime, I'll tuck this wee un into his crib."
She nodded and sat for a few minutes before changing for bed. She went to sit at her vanity, beginning to brush out her hair before flinging her brush against the vanity in frustration it bouncing off of it and flinging across the room.
She heard heavy footsteps cross the room. He stooped down to pick up her brush placing it back on the vanity.
"Ye dinnae have to get so upset aboot it," Jamie gently moved her hair so he could get his hand underneath it to squeeze the back of her neck, then massage it with his fingers.
"You think I have a favorite child...what mother has a favorite child?"
"If ye did, it isna such a crime, Eleanor." he gently rubbed her neck and then moved to her shoulders. "Ye canna keep thrashing yerself fer yer motherin. Ye are doin a fine job with all the wee uns."
"So..." Eleanor wiggled as Jamie moved to begin massaging her back, "I...I know you are still thinking about the school..."
"Aye, and?" Jamie focused on a knot in her back, "What of it?"
"What about our girls?"
"I was wonderin when ye would mention that. Ye have so many kinks in yer poor back, Ellie."
"It aches."
"Does it? Ye never said. Is it because yer spine is wee bit crooked?"
"Yeah, maybe, a little bit. Or some people are just prone to a touchy back." Eleanor responded, "But about our girls."
"Aye, aboot our wee lassies...even if I say aye to the school, it willna be fer the wee lassies of the Ridge."
Eleanor's eyes shut close and Jamie massaged a knot harder, causing Eleanor to grunt in pain.
"I am just as smart as you are, James Fraser."
"Aye, I concede to that, mo ghraidh. I would even venture to say, ye might be a wee bit smarter than I am. I felt the same way aboot Claire. And Bree, of course, is verra canny. As fer Hope and Rosie, I ken the lassies are just as canny as their brothers, but tis not the time, they can learn with the men. And ye ken I am right. We canna change this. Not now."
"Then," Eleanor turned to Jamie and he let go of her, "We must find a school teacher for the Ridge school and I will teach Rosie and Hope at home. We will do the running of the household, but they will learn just as much about literature, math, science, history, languages as the boys."
"That might be difficult."
"You are very good at working out things like this, James. You ran a whole smuggling ring. Surely, you can convince some poor bloke to come out here and teach our wild boys."
"Maybe."
"Otherwise, we have to have one school full of all the children." She shrugged, "So what, if it hasn't happened yet? We live in the backwoods. We can make our own rules and no one would know any better for it. In the meantime, I will just continue teaching our children and whoever wishes to join in at the Big House."
"How can ye do that and run the household?"
She shrugged, "Claire had her surgery. You built that for her. Y'all worked it out, so we can work this out, right?"
"Good Lord," Jamie snorted, "Yer courses must be starting soon."
She picked up her hairbrush and threw it a him, him dodging it so it didn't hit him in the head, which is where she aimed, "Yes. I told you. I am hormonal. Plus, you would always know when my courses were starting before I would...or do you not care since we don't have a chance of getting preggers?"
"Now, I ken they are," Jamie muttered, "Ye dinnae normally use such language from yer own time this freely unless yer courses are aboot to start."
She shot him a scathing look, "If I cannot use such language with my husband, then who can I use it with?"
"Lord John would say ye shouldna use it at all."
"Yes, Lord John would say that. But I suppose my poor habits are coming back now I am married again to you."
"Apparently so," he eyed her.
"You didn't answer my question."
"Oh, I dinnae truly suppose ye wanted an answer," Jamie retorted, his eyes on her, "Weel, lass of mine. I ken yer courses weel, but sometimes ye have been a wee bit unpredictable."
"They happen every 25 to 28 days, what is unpredictable about that?"
"And ye are only like this, the day or two before," Jamie said, bluntly. "Thank the Lord."
Eleanor glared at him. "You adore me."
"Completely," Jamie smiled at her, "Even when ye are a wee besom. Weel, maybe, especially when ye are a wee besom. Now, come to bed, my wee besom. I ken a sure way to pound yer poor mood out of ye."
"Do you really think I am going to let you touch me now?"
"Aye, I do. And I think ye are goin to enjoy it," Jamie said, evenly, "Because ye ken that it works every time to settle ye."
She stared at him as he got undressed for bed and laid out on the bed, patting it beside him.
There was no denying a naked Jamie was always quite enticing.
"I could tell ye what I wish to do to ye, if that would help convince ye to enter our bed," Jamie offered, wickedly. He began to describe in great detail, causing Eleanor to squirm and her mood to channel into something less angry, more passionate. She felt her mood abating.
"Damn you, James Fraser," Eleanor sat on the bed with him. "I thought John was the best at handling me, but you do just fine in your own rights."
He threw back his head and laughed and then reached out and swiftly pulled her over towards him, causing her to yelp in surprise with the sudden movement.
"Settle down, my wee besom," Jamie whispered in her ear as his hand began to unbutton her nightgown. "I ken just how to handle ye."
The months flew by, spring yielding to summer. The Ridge was filled with laughter and merriment as Jamie and Eleanor settled into life as a family. They took joy in each other and the day to day toil of running a farm and their family. The children were happy and content and Eleanor was thinking life could not be any sweeter. Jamie and her had hit their stride...communicating so well, taking comfort and rest in each other and just delighting in the family that they had created together. Jamie was a gentle yet commanding father. There were hiccups along the way- Hope began saying shite instead of the f-word much to Eleanor's amusement because that was all Jamie. But after a bit of soaping and talking from her Da, that phase thankfully abated. Hugh started becoming a force as his strong will for his own way took over. Jamie was very gentle of his expectations of both Hugh and Eleanor, but Hugh did make it to the other side of Jamie's hand for a few well deserved swats as he was apt to disobey and then scream about it...much like his older siblings. Jamie thought that would prove once and for all, that their wee uns' vices came from Eleanor, not him, but Eleanor poked at him and said that Hugh was tame compared to Sam and Hope so she didn't really think it was her, completely. But she conceded it was not certainly Lord John, who was the most even tempered man to ever walk this earth besides the Good Lord himself...
Eleanor look at her makeshift calendar as she woke up that morning, braiding her hair and twisting it up into a bun when Jamie came in with Hugh, who was slapping against Jamie and crying.
"What does he want?" Eleanor asked, wearily.
"He dinnae like the food that Susanna prepared. He made quite the mess. I came in from feeding the stock and got pelted."
Eleanor frowned, "I suppose he got some swats and now he is mad."
"Aye, that would be it."
"Do you want to hand him over?"
"Nah. I put Ian and Fergus onto leading the men today. I have a few minutes to spare. If I hand him over for you for comfort, he will always take it from ye, not from me. I willna have what happened with Hope happen with Hugh, where he is afraid of me." Jamie patted his back, "Settle down, wee un. Tis not the end of the world."
"Eat." Hugh cried.
"Aye, in a few minutes, Mama will feed ye. Once ye settle down."
She smiled at Jamie, who was talking to Hugh, softly...in Gaelic. He settled down and then his arms began to cling to Jamie's neck.
"That is a verra gut wee laddie. I love ye so."
Eleanor's heart melted.
She went to sit down next to Jamie on the bed. "It's the 4th of July."
Jamie titled his head, "Why does that seem so familiar?"
"Well, in a few years today, it will be the beginning of when the colonies start to shake free from the British. Just think, Jamie, for the first time in your life, you won't be under their thumb."
"It will be a hard won fight, though, aye?"
She nodded, "But worth it...for what America becomes and that is why every year we celebrate in my time...with parades and families getting together. Even though not everyone will be free for a long time."
"Aye," Jamie smiled at her, "I ken it bothers ye...the plight of the indians and slaves."
"And of women...I hate that Hope and Rosie won't have the opportunity that they would have had if born in a different time."
"Aye, tis troublesome fer ye...which is why, ye should teach them just as much as ye teach the laddies."
She leaned her head against him, "Things would have gotten really complicated between John and I in a few years."
"Aye."
"I would never want to be a loyalist."
"I ken."
"It's in my blood...to be an American...you know what I mean."
"Aye, like I am a Scot."
"Yes."
"And John was English." He leaned his head against her, "Ye and him woulda come to an understanding."
"Do you think?"
"I do," Jamie said, quietly. "Because he loved ye and ye loved him. And in the end, tis more important...the family ye were building with him."
She smiled at him, "Do you want to come for a walk with me later this afternoon when it is so hot?"
"Aye, but we have been havin summer storms."
"I don't mind getting caught in the rain with you."
"Oh, ye wish fer that kind of walk." Jamie grinned, "Verra weel, lassie."
Eleanor reached for Hugh, "Come, sweetheart. Mama will find you some food, which you will not throw."
"No throw, mama."
"Gut laddie," Jamie kissed his head as Eleanor stood with him and carried him away.
"It's okay," Eleanor said, leaning her head against Jamie.
"I dinnae ken what happened, lassie," he said, perturbed. "I thought I had more time."
"It's okay," she leaned to kiss him. "It will be fine. We will be fine."
"But are ye...?" His voice trailed off.
"Yes, I may be ovulating, but..." Eleanor bit her lip, "Mistakes happen, especially when we are so...amorous with each other. It was only a matter of time. Honestly, John and I tried for years to get pregnant and what are the odds we will get pregnant from one oopsie?" She forced a smile. "Seriously, I'm fine. I mean, it was great sex, so if I am going to die because of it..."
Jamie poked her, "Dinnae even say such things. Even if ye do, Claire said she wouldna risk it, it dinnae mean ye would die."
"Yes, that's true," Eleanor nodded. "I'm sure it is fine. Don't beat yourself up over it."
"I thought ye would be more upset," Jamie said.
Eleanor reached for his hand, "I have you by my side to face whatever may come. You are my warrior and I am so very content, James. How can I be upset? Just...don't do it again."
"Aye," Jamie grunted. "Maybe it is my age."
"God no!" Eleanor laughed, "I tease you about growing older, Jamie, but you are just as...energetic as when we were first wed. You have only gotten better with your age."
He look up at the sky which was darkening. "We are about to get rained upon."
She sighed as he rose and tugged her to her feet.
They began the trek home as the skies did open up.
"Should we begin to run?" Ellie asked, giggling. "We are going to get soaked."
"Aye, we can make a run fer home. Or we can just enjoy a romp in the rain."
She smiled at him, "It is cooling."
"Aye."
"And I did just get kind of sweaty."
"Aye, that's the spirit," Jamie put his arm around her as she wrapped her shawl over her head to offer some protection. They were chatting and laughing when Eleanor stopped suddenly.
Her heart began to race through her chest. She could feel it thumping and her breathing shortened. And she froze, Jamie's arm dropping to let her go.
"Do you see?" She was breathless. It was hard to make out the figure in the rain...but the stance.
The way he carried himself...it was him.
"Aye."
Eleanor stood frozen, the rain dripping off of her.
Jamie stood at her side, as still as a statue, the rain cascading off his large form in drivels.
She moved forward, one foot in front of another, her shawl dropping to the ground, until she reached him.
"John," she breathed his name. As if in a trance, she stared at him, raising a tentative hand to touch him, dropping it, before gathering her courage and lifting it again.
Her hand reached up to his face, cupping it.
"Are you real?" her voice caught, her hand rubbing his face, rough against the small growth of stubble. "Is it you?"
"Indeed. I realize this must be a shock for you," John murmured. His hand reached up to cover hers. "I'm here, my darling Eleanor."
"I..." She looked into his eyes and he caught the emotion that she couldn't put into words- gratitude, love, wonder, shame, guilt. "Oh, John, I...I thought, we all thought..."
"I know," He reached for her other hand and then looked down as he felt the ring on her finger, Jamie's ring glistening in the rain.
He paused only for a moment, before lifting her hand tenderly, bringing it to his lips.
He kissed her hand, "There is much to catch up on, I see." His eyes were gentle. "Do not despair. We will figure out a way."
"I never thought I would see you again," Eleanor began to cry. She leaned against him, his arms coming up and drawing her in for an embrace. "Oh John."
"I know."
Her tears turned into sobs, "I still have nightmares of you at the bottom of the ocean somewhere. I do love you, I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know."
"How could you have known, my darling?" he held her tight.
"I should have known in my heart that you were still alive. I should have fought for the truth. The guilt will always rest upon me. I'm so ashamed."
"No, darling," he kissed her hand again, "The fault does not lie with you."
Out of the corner of his eye, John caught Jamie turning away and stepping back away from them, giving them space...but he did not move entirely away. His back was turned, but he was still there...keeping watch over Eleanor...unable to leave her so distraught. He knew he should have left...given them their privacy, but when it came down to it, he could not.
Eleanor pulled away, but she still gripped John's arms, unwilling to let him go, needing to make sure he was real and in the flesh. She turned her head, her eyes followed John's, to where he was looking at Jamie's back, his eyes held so many emotions, a mixture of sorrow...and love.
Jamie.
Oh, Jamie.
Her intake of breath was sharp and she turned back to John, her eyes meeting his again, communicating again without words.
She was afraid...afraid of the choices they would all be forced to make. Despairing of the heartbreak that would surely follow.
"Shh" John murmured, consoling her anxious heart. "You do not have to fear my censure, Eleanor."
The words flooded her heart, but at the next moment, her mind was taken back years ago to when Claire returned and how she had judged Jamie for his action and now confronted, standing between two men...indeed, her two husbands, two men that she loved with a powerful ferocity and she knew precisely what Jamie had felt. And it killed her that she wasn't more understanding at the time...that she was so judgmental when he needed some time to work through it.
Because God, this was crazy. She still could feel the remnants of her and Jamie's liaison on her and as she was clinging to John. And...
"I..." She struggled to catch her breath, pulling away from John. "I need a moment. I'm so sorry. I just need..." She squeezed his hand before letting go. "I just need..."
Jamie turned then at the sound of Ellie's distress. "Mo ghraidh."
She couldn't look at him and couldn't stand his eyes on her...the guilt pressing down hard on her heart. Because the truth was, she wanted both of them...so badly. Just as Jamie had wanted both her and Claire.
"No, I'm fine." Eleanor held up her hand to stop him as she saw him take a large stride in her direction. She took another deep breath. "Just...I just need a damn second. Nobody say anything for a damn second. For Christ's sake, nobody look at me."
"Eleanor," John's voice was low. "You don't have to figure this out on your own."
"Please. I need to..." she struggled, her hand raising to cover her face.
John's instinct was to go to Eleanor and crouch down in the rain and mud beside her...to put an arm around her, drawing her in and making sure she felt secure, safe and loved. To soothe her heart and settle her spirit... But then he looked to Jamie, whose hand raised up slightly, signaling him to give Eleanor her space.
And so, he did...yielding to Jamie's wisdom.
She crouched down between them, the rain still falling, sinking herself into the mud that was forming. She closed her eyes, squeezing them shut, trying to focus on breathing and quelling the nausea that was rising up. And yet, she couldn't.
Abruptly, she stood up.
She looked between her two men...husbands and lovers, each equally compelling, each which had captured and held her heart, her body, her soul. One her soulmate, one the fire that kept her alive and going. Each the father of her children. And...both very much alive. Living, breathing.
She finally rested on Jamie. "Help me" she mouthed to him.
Jamie cleared his throat and when he spoke, his voice was firm and commanding. "Go to Bree and Roger's cabin, Eleanor. Take the time you need to face this. But you must, lassie. Ye canna run from this. But, we also can help ye through it. As Lord John said, dinnae despair. Neither of us will allow ye to thrash yerself for what has happened...or what will happen."
She turned to John, "I'm so sorry." she whispered.
"Don't be," his eyes were compassionate, "I don't doubt your love for me, Eleanor nor do I doubt the fact that you are anything but happy that I am not dead."
He always knew exactly what her heart needed and yet, she had the strongest desire to reach for Jamie. She turned to go, passing by Jamie, her hand reaching out to grip his hard. She clung to his hand for a moment, her facing the opposite direction of him, so she could not see his reaction. She squeezed harder and harder, trying to take her panic and pain away, but even as she applied more and more pressure, stalwart Jamie did not flinch. She was holding on by a thread, and at the moment, Jamie's hand was her lifeline.
And then, she felt him gently tug his hand out of hers.
"Go on, mo ghraidh."
And so she left the two men she loved...without a look back.
John cleared his throat as the sky began to clear. "I think we should talk."
"Aye, I think we must."
A/N: who has thoughts? Would LOVE to hear them!