Disclaimer: *Final Jeopardy theme plays* What is I don't own R & I ?
A/N: Miss me? *cricket chirps in the distance* Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyways, I felt a sequel coming on so here we are. Let's kick this pig in gear Jane POV style. [Reminder Maura is a judge/doctor and Jane is a U.S. Marshall or just read 'Living Like Hell' first so you're up to speed with the rest of the class.]
~~~~~~~Soul On Fire~~~~~~~
"Vomit!" I say more petulantly than I really needed to. "I can't believe I let you talk me into this."
My mother still has the ability like no other to bring out the cranky toddler in me. Some people say that my 'inner child' is more of a swallow dweller than something that I have to dig for because its buried deep inside.
"Why do you have to be so snippy?" Angela retorts loudly, from the chair outside the dressing room. "I would've thought shopping with Maura over the years would have made you more amendable."
"For starters Ma, really, amendable?" I state, making sure my very sarcastic voice carries through the dressing room door. "And Maura doesn't try to dress me up like I'm five years old and can't get my first tights on."
"I'm not trying to dress you up. But you can't just run around in jeans all the time, that is when you're not running around in those power suits of yours." Angela replies, sitting back in the chair and crossing her legs. "I'm just trying to help out and I almost forgot that spending time with your mother is the highest form of torture to you. And what's wrong with the word amendable?"
Sometimes I believe that my mother has a special gift. And by gift I mean the ability to talk for long stretches without having to take a breath.
I snort, "Nothing's wrong with the word amendable, it just sounds wrong coming out of your mouth." I say while bursting out of the dressing room in a completely ridiculous dress. "You've clearly been spending entirely too much time with Maura lately."
"Well, she is like my daughter now too and your vocabulary has expanded too." Angela replies while standing up with a hopeful smile on her face. "But never mind that cause, oh Janie that dress looks lovely on you; burgundy works for you."
"I feel like I should be serving drinks at Hooters." I deadpan, facing the floor length mirror and slumping my shoulders.
My mother's own raspy laugh fills the room for a spell. "Yeah, it's a little revealing and you've put on a little weight upstairs." Angela states as she gestures towards my chest.
Oh my God!
"Ma!" I shout while covering my chest with both of my hands.
Angela smiles on and shrugs. "Well it's true Jane but I'm certain Maura loves it."
Someone kill me now!
"Whatever Ma, I'll buy the damn dress." I retort, while stalking back to the dressing room. "But if someone other than Maura ogles my cleavage I'm decking them."
Angela scoffs, "After you're done in there Janie let's walk down the street a bit; there's another store I want to check out."
And of course we should keep going. I mean why in the hell would she want to stop now?
"Okay, but I've reached my trying on clothes quota for the day." I reply before stepping out of my classy dark red Hooter's wannabe dress.
Later That Same Day...
As if dress shopping with my Mother wasn't embarrassing enough this takes the whole damn bakery-literally.
"I respectfully request permission to treat you as a crazy person." I say, a little too loudly. But Boston's busy sidewalks have heard all kinds of outbursts, and will continue to. After all, the world is full of crazy mothers and their daughters whom are slowly being driven insane.
"It's just a store, Jane." Angela states, dropping her arms in a sympathetic gesture. "I read about it on-line and I'm curious. I promise I won't embarrass you."
"It's too late to make good on that promise." I retort while gesturing to the shop's sign. "And I am not going into a shop called 'Sweet-N-Nasty' with my mother!"
"You're a grown woman and even though I'm your mother so am I." Angela replies, in an innocent tone. "Let's just browse; it's just a erotic themed bakery."
"Are you and Maura conspiring together? I ask defensively. "You both just love getting me to do things I don't want to do."
"What? No." Angela replies shrugging. "We just feel sometimes you act like a prude."
Her voice just crept up an octave. Wonderful, Maura is trading notes with my mother that's just great.
"Ma!" I start while closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. "Fine, I will go in the damn store with you for fifteen minutes, then I'm leaving with or without you." I finish, just as my mother breezes past me to open the shop's 'lovely' door. I roll my eyes at her back.
I don't really know what I was expecting, but the place is actually quite bright, clean and modern looking. But it's inconspicuous nature stops once you get near the display cases. Those cupcakes look like mini hard dicks! Must get my mother away from...too late.
"Hello, welcome to Sweet-N-Nasty. How may I help you?" Asks the young woman behind the counter. Who has a heavy layer of eyeliner around her startling grey-blue eyes and she also has several piercings in both of her ears.
"They're so polite here, Jane." My mother says while grabbing my arm and pulling me closer to the display cases.
"Is it okay if we just browse for a while?" Angela asks the woman behind the counter.
I roll my eyes at my mother for probably the four hundredth time today. One of these days my eye muscles are going to pop from the workout that my Ma causes me to give them. And oops! The sales girl saw my little rolling rebellion. Wait, is she smiling at me?
"Sure thing ma'am." The young woman replies with a smile before she returns to the back. "Just let me know if you need any assistance."
I turn towards my mother to find her frowning at me?
"What?"
"That woman was making eyes at you young lady." Angela states, as she moves her purse to rest in her crook of her arm.
"Ma, I'm almost twice her age." I say flatly.
"True, but you are also an extremely attractive woman still." Angela retorts.
Shit the bed! Does my mother actually believe I would pick up a woman in front of her?
"It's nothing, Ma. You now have thirteen minutes before I walk out of that door." I say while gesturing behind me at the lovely front door.
That earns me a suspicious frown before she decides to wander the length of the display cases. I unfortunately also get an eyeful of porn pastries and other baked goods. You gotta be fucking kidding me chocolate flavored penis pops! Oh look, a cake shaped like a dick with shaved and frosted balls.
"You know your father and I had trouble in the bedroom department from time to time." My mother just blurts out, effectively drawing my attention away from their cakes that are shaped like vaginas and breasts. "But that wasn't the main reason for the divorce mind you; it didn't help matters though."
"Oh my God...I can't believe you just went there." I say, mostly under my breath. Glancing around, I see the other patrons aren't aware of what was just spoken a little too loudly. "Cause I really didn't wanna go there with you and certainly not here."
"I just don't want to see you and Maura end up that way." She continues, moving ahead of me prattling away. I rush up behind her so hopefully she won't raise her voice any louder. "I know you're still fairly newlyweds, and I know it's not even been two years yet."
"Ma, I don't want or need to discuss this subject with you." I say, through clenched teeth.
"You know I never thought I would see you in another wedding dress." My mother just keeps going on as if I never said anything. "I kinda thought since you were marrying a woman this time, you would do a women's tuxedo or something." I roll my eyes at my mother again. Her biggest beef with me is my lack of big love towards wearing dresses. "I still can't believe it sometimes that you took her name. Although U.S. Marshall Jane Isles does have a nice ring to it, it certainly sounds better than Jane Jones. That reminds me of that awful Jim Jones business. Hey, did Casey make you drink the Kool-Aide?" My mother's rant finally ends with her laughing at her own cleverness.
I am not amused but irritated...hell yes!
"I know you didn't divorce Casey because of performance issues, even I could see that the man just flat out made you miserable. How did you ever manage to have sex with him?" Again, my mother just can't seem to stop spewing out a whole bunch of word vomit.
"Does the filter from your brain to your mouth even work anymore?" I ask, very sarcastically and somewhat snarky.
"Don't be condescending." My mother warns before turning back to the display case. "You know the other day I was reading this article on-line about lesbian bed death." Angela states, off handedly while looking at something called a Tall Crème Filled Texan.
Before she can get in another word I decide to turn my filter off too. I grasp my mother's shoulders in both of my hands gently, "Ma, God knows I love you and even that doesn't belong in the same breath as what I'm about to say but, the only bed-death Maura and I are capable of is dying from too many orgasms. And time's up, I'm outta here." I say before letting go of my mother and walking out of the store leaving her properly slack-jawed.
'Prude my ass!' I laugh to myself.
Soundtrack:"Brass Monkey" by Beastie Boys, "Insane In The Membrane" by Cypress Hill & "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" by Bloodhound Gang
Updated A/N 2: Yes, I said 'why not?' and decided to spruce this one up too. All italics for inner thoughts are gone, but once again I'll leave some of my silliness, disclaimers and general whatnot's untouched.