"Fuck, marry, kill: Diggory, Riddle, and Malfoy."

Harry's eyes flew open as orange juice was spewed everywhere. Ginny glared at him, juice dripping from her sleeves. She took a napkin and wiped her arms, even as Harry was doing the same to his face and plate. She handed him a new plate and another napkin, seeing as he needed it.

"Hold on, back up–what did you just say?" Harry spluttered, his eyes wide as saucers.

"I said, fuck, marry, ki–," Ginny began, rolling her eyes, before being cut off by a frantic wave of Harry's hand.

"No, I know that you said.. Said that, but–but what did you say before?" Harry stuttered, his face turning red. Ginny smirked.

"Ever the listener, Harry. If you'd been listening to a word I said, you'd know I'd been talking about the conversation the girls in my dorm were having last night. They had a question for you–wanted your opinion, really–on the subject. Now, answer the question! Fuck, marry, kill: Diggory, Riddle, and Malfoy."

"U-Um, well," Harry said, stuttering. He pushed his eggs idly around his plate, giving himself a moment to compose himself. Why did he have to be such a blushing virgin? "Well, I, uh, I s'pose I'll start with the first option? I think.. I think they'd all be rather good, but I think Cedric might be a little too.. Gentle? Draco'd be nice, I think he'd be a switcher, but I don't know if he'd be quite as... passionate, as the other two. Tom, on the other hand, would be the best, I think–I feel like he'd be a good, rough fuck. Probably a kinky bastard, too. So, uh, yeah. Fuck Tom. Literally."

Unnoticed by Harry, a shadow had fallen over him. Three had, actually. Too busy in his talking, he didn't notice how Ginny's eyes trailed upwards, looking over him, to someone else. A small smile playing on her lips, she looked back to Harry, urging him to continue.

Harry swallowed, his blush creeping down to his neck, before continuing at Ginny's behest. "As for marry, that one seems obvious. Cedric seems to be big on sweet things and grand gestures and all that romantic stuff, so I think he'd be the best for that role. Breakfast in bed and all that. I mean, Draco'd probably be nice and all, but Cedric seems to have a real... knack, for that. So yeah, marry Cedric. And I guess that means, well, kill Draco. Uh, whoops, I guess?"

Harry turned his embarrassed gaze from the table to Ginny, only to be met with a mischievous grin that truly rivaled Fred's and George's. "Been thinking about this a lot, have you?"

"Uh, well, I don't know about that, but–I mean, I think everyone's thought about one of those three at, uh, some point in time," Harry said. He shoved another forkful of eggs into his mouth, but regretted it almost as soon as Ginny began talking.

"Like when you've got your hand down your pants?" Ginny inserted slyly. Harry nearly choked at the sudden question. He almost spewed food everywhere, again, too, but managed to contain himself and his food. It was a near thing, though.

"NO! Why'd you say that?" Harry shrieked, coughing violently. He seemed to get even redder, as if that were even possible.

"I don't know, they're attractive, charming, assholes... Exactly your type!" Ginny smiled, before turning her eyes to the figures behind Harry. "Right, boys?"

This time, Harry did choke, needing a good, hard thump on his back from Draco. It was somewhat aggressive, probably due to the fact that Harry essentially chose to kill him, but Harry failed to notice it due to his complete and utter embarrassment. "I'm going to kill you," Harry croaked, glaring at a smug Ginny. She gave him two thumbs up, before motioning for him to turn around.

He did so, reluctantly, before staring up into the faces of three very handsome young men. Tom Riddle stood, front and center, looking at Harry with a sultry leer and a shark-like smile. Harry gulped, before turning to the left to look at the blushing face of Cedric Diggory, and again turning to look at the disgruntled face of one Draco Malfoy.

"Uh.. Can I help you?" Harry said, his eyes staring resolutely forward, trying his best to stand (sit) tall and not like he'd just had the humiliation of a lifetime.

Riddle leaned in, all pale skin and dark hair and dangerous, sexy smile. "I don't know, Harry. It almost sounded as if you'd like me to help you," he purred, tipping Harry's head back with a finger under his chin.

Harry ignored the flush creeping up his face, instead willing himself to continue glaring Tom Riddle into the ground. He was saved, luckily, by a pissed off Cedric Diggory. "Down, Riddle," he grumbled, before guiding Riddle, with no small amount of effort, away from Harry. "Merlin, let the boy breathe, will you?"

Cedric tipped his sweet, angelic face down to look at Harry, a shy smile blossoming. Harry couldn't help but smile back, the openness and brightness of Cedric's smile nearly blinding. Harry turned his head at the clearing of Riddle's throat, scowling. Draco pointedly rolled his eyes at the exchange. "Way to leave me for dead, Potter. Do I not mean enough to you? Or should I up my seduction skills?"

Harry snorted, looking to Draco with an amused smile. "As if you could even try, Malfoy. Sorry about that, though. I'm sure you're perfectly fine in the, ah... Performance division."

Draco huffed a laugh at that, too, before pausing, thoughtfully. "I mean, if you'd like me to prove it to you, it wouldn't be any trouble."

Harry blinked, uncomprehending, before the meaning of Draco's words hit him. His mouth formed a small 'o' shape and his eyes grew wide, but before he could reply, or even jumpstart his brain into action, Riddle cut him off. "It doesn't really matter what you do, though, does it? After all, I'm sure I could find a great deal many more ways to.. satisfy.. his needs. You said it yourself, didn't you, Harry?"

Harry refused to shrink back into the table under that intense gaze, even if all he wanted to do was sink through the floor. "I, uh–,"

"Well, I'd like to see you try!" Draco spat, glaring at the elder boy.

"Now, guys, I don't think this is the time or place–," Cedric began, moving in between them.

Riddle interrupted him, his voice congenial but his eyes a promise of violence. "How about a friendly wager? If you can change his mind, I'll give up my position as the Head Slytherin. If you lose, though, you have to agree to stay away from Harry's affairs. His courting affairs, especially."

Draco paused, looking up at Riddle with a clearly shocked expression on his face. Riddle smirked, a shark tasting blood, before goading further. "What? Can't live up to your words? I figured of all people, a Malfoy might be able to pull this off, but I guess not. A shame, really. I was so looking forward to showing you your place."

"Fine!" Draco said, his voice rising with irritation. "But I want you put under the same conditions as me if you lose."

"I agree," Cedric chimed in. "I'll join, too. I'm sure it'd be difficult for Harry dealing with two Slytherins at once. Count me in."

Riddle smiled. "That settles it, then. May the best man win."

With that, Riddle turned to address Harry, but was met with the sight of an empty seat. He was gone.

"Well, let the chase begin," Cedric said, smiling, before running out of the Great Hall, the few people staying over winter break watching his moving form. Tom cursed under his breath, before strolling elegantly (and somewhat quickly) out as well. Draco paused, shoved his hands into his pockets, and followed after them.

Ginny kicked Harry out from where he was hiding under the table. "They're gone now. Good luck with that bunch; I expect you'll have quite the handful. On the bright side, at least now you can get laid."

She laughed at his miserable groan.