I've had this idea for over half a year now, and finally got the inspiration to complete the first chapter, and so there are a couple things I should just make clear from the beginning so as not to cause any confusion: This is pre-manga/Brotherhood, and I write "Ishbal" rather than "Ishval" because I was introduced to the manga long before the animes.

This disclaimer counts for the entire story: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

And so I hope you people will enjoy this story!

Chapter one

Roy walked inside the Führer's office. He had been surprised about the sudden summon to Central, but of course he wouldn't question Führer Bradley's orders. The man had made it very clear that Roy was to come alone, and that his team was to be left behind at Eastern Command. Apparently it was a very sensitive issue that they would discuss once he had arrived in Central.

And so here he was, noticing that there were two visitor's chairs in front of the desk. And the man behind it seemed unusually displeased by Roy's arrival.

Roy saluted him immediately, feeling a bit uneasy. "Führer Bradley, sir!"

The man nodded towards the chair to the right. "Please have a seat, Colonel Mustang."

He immediately walked over and sat down on the indicated piece of furniture, just as the door was opened again... And in came Fullmetal, looking confused as his eyes were trained on the Führer. "You summoned me, sir?"

"Indeed I did, young alchemist. Now please close the door and have a seat. We have something to discuss, and it is no laughing matter."

Roy was even more confused at this, just watching as Fullmetal sat down next to him. Führer Bradley leant forwards on his desk, looking at Roy sternly. "Colonel Mustang, as I understand it, you are very much a womaniser?"

Roy paused slightly. Denying it wasn't really an option at the moment, but judging by the man's look, he knew the answer already. "Yes, sir."

He received a stern nod. "It has been brought to my attention that there is some concern about the way that you have been teaching your youngest subordinate to follow in your footsteps."

Roy's eyebrows shot up to the point that they were hidden by his fringe. "I can assure you, sir, that I have done no such thing. And I have no idea how those concerns were brought about in the first place." The thought of how his fourteen-year-old subordinate was being a womaniser was frankly ridiculous. He glanced over at Fullmetal next to him, and saw that the boy's face had gone bright red.

"It was an accident! I swear!" the teenager said urgently.

Roy looked back at the Führer, confusion multiplying rapidly. "Sir, might I enquire what the event in question was?"

The man in front of him's frown grew even deeper. "Four days ago, your subordinate went inside the women's lavatories here at Central Command, and then groped one of the soldiers there."

Roy's eyebrows somehow managed to rise even further. He focused his attention back on the kid. "Fullmetal, anything you'd like to tell me?"

The boy looked like he was panicking. "It was all a mistake! And where I saw where I had gone, I ran out, but there were someone walking into the room as I went and I tried to stop myself from crashing into her completely... And I... I kinda grabbed her..." He looked down, whispering. "...Boobs."

Roy would have thought it was funny, but it definitely wasn't... Not when the Führer thought that Roy had taught the kid to grope his female colleagues. And so he looked back at their superior. "Sir, please believe me when I say that, knowing Fullmetal, this is certainly not something that he would ever do on purpose."

His statement was only met by another frown. "That may be, Colonel Mustang, but fact still is that there is an increasing amount of female soldiers here that are demanding that I do something about the matter. After all, your subordinate is at an age where experimentation is a rather common thing. I do not want him to grow into it even more and think that he can get away with it because of his age. Which is why I am giving you two an unusual mission. One that will teach you a lesson in showing proper respect for those of the opposite sex."

"Hughes, please have mercy on me," Roy pleaded. "There has to be somewhere else at least..."

Hughes just placed a hand on his shoulder, not able to hide his teasing smirk. "Nope. We have managed to procure the optimal temporary accommodation that will let you blend in perfectly. It's the least suspicious place you could stay."

Roy just glared up at him. "You have procured us ONE room inside this temporary accommodation, where there are two single beds for Fullmetal and me, and there are five other bedrooms with another two people in each. Plus the owner, and we all help out, all according to the list of daily tasks set for each room?"

"Yep."

"Which means that we can't actually go to a house and take the fake boobs off unless we're sleeping?"

"Yep."

"And just why do you have to be the one in charge of this investigation? I'm your superior, doesn't that count for something?" Roy asked in complete misery.

"Not when the Führer himself has said that you're going to do exactly what I tell you."

"You're an evil man, Maes Hughes, evil... It's not even our fault!"

Hughes sighed, flipping through the folder on the desk in front of them. He pointed to the photos of the corpse of a woman and her daughter. They were tied in a sitting position against the trunk of a tree in the middle of a forest. It was a grotesque sight. The two of them had had their eyelids removed so that their eyes were wide open, and the girl's hair had been styled so as to look as doll-like as possible. She was wearing a light blue dress with a white bow on the front and had a ring of flowers on her head. The mother was wearing a wedding dress and a bouquet of white roses were tied to her hands. They were both meant to look like a pair of human dolls. And there had been another set of bodies just like them, but there had been two daughters on that occasion. The mothers had both been single mothers, all five victims had been poisoned as the cause of death. The first murder had been two months ago. The second had been a fortnight ago, and the case had reached a dead end.

Roy wanted to solve this, of course he did, but...

"Hughes... Please... Can't you give me some sort of different backstory?"

"Nope, Roy. You're a single mother who became a widower three years ago when your house burnt down. That is how Winnifred lost her limbs, and your husband, Roderick Hadleigh, died as he saved your daughter."

Roy gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of giving birth... And to none other than Fullmetal. It was frankly gross to imagine the whole giving birth part. Roy looked up at his friend, wanting to burn his hair off for the smirk on his face. "Sixteen... You're saying that I was sixteen when I "became pregnant"... Everything about that is wrong."

Hughes sighed. "It's a good backstory. It explains why there aren't any pictures of you and your husband or your daughter while she was growing up, because everything was destroyed in the fire. And why you're working in a café, but still have the money for your daughter's automail."

Roy sighed. "...Because we used our savings and the insurance money to pay for it so that Freddie could get back on her legs and resume a somewhat normal life... And because it would usually have taken three years for the rehabilitation period to be completed, us looking for a new and cheaper place to live is very logical."

"Exactly, Rita."

Roy bit his lip to stop himself from punching the man.

The man next to him sighed heavily. "Listen, Roy, I know you're not happy about this, and neither am I, to be honest... But Ed is a highly qualified State Alchemist and a kid. It's a good opportunity to get to the bottom of this, with the pair of you as the best bait the military has to offer."

Roy looked down, hating that Hughes could read him so well that he knew that he wasn't happy about having Fullmetal play bait. The kid may be highly capable and one of the best martial artists and State Alchemists there were... But he was still just a kid and Roy was dragging him into this. And it wasn't actually something that Fullmetal should have to deal with. Being a soldier was one thing... Being undercover and pretending that Roy was his mother was only cruel, considering the boy's history. "Hughes, this isn't fair on him. Not when his mother died like she did..."

Which was when the office door was slammed open, and a glaring Edward Elric was standing in the doorway. His hair had been dyed black and was currently in a ponytail as he strode towards Roy. "Colonel, you're gonna owe me a shitload of overtime for this." He pointed sternly with his automail hand, the silent threat very obvious. "Because this is your fault, you know."

"You're the one who walked into the wrong toilet, Fullmetal."

The boy blushed slightly. Roy shut the folder, not wishing for his subordinate to see the crime scene photos. "You're the one who made people think that I'm a pervert because I'm taking inspiration from you!"

Roy sighed. "Why were you even at Central Command in the first place?" They hadn't actually had time to discuss it, because Roy had been sent directly to Hughes's office, while one of his subordinates, a Second Lieutenant Ross, had taken Fullmetal with her to get his hair dyed.

"Because I was using the library and I was gonna buy lunch, but my wallet was pretty empty. I just needed to make a withdrawal from the bank, but then a bunch of jerks with guns came in and tried to rob the place! So I had to come here and give my statement and write a report and stuff after stopping the robbery. I just needed to take a leak before heading back to the library... I was impatient and angry, okay?"

Roy pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "As explanations go, I can't actually fault you for that one."

"Damn right, you can't." His voice softened just slightly as he looked up at Hughes. "Lieutenant Ross filled me in on the details of the case... So what now, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes?"

"We're going shopping... Which means that you'll need these."

To his horror, Roy watched as Hughes opened the cardboard box on the desk, revealing what looked horrifyingly like a deep blue dress in Roy's size. "Hughes, no. Just no. And that's an order."

"Roy, you're going to be wearing a dress on a daily basis as a waitress. You might as well just get used to wearing one."

Ed couldn't help but laugh at the Colonel's face. That was the one good thing about this mission. He'd get to see the Flame Alchemist, Colonel Roy Mustang, in a dress. And an apron.

"Fullmetal, stop it. You have nothing to laugh about, you'll need a dress too."

Ed shook his head triumphantly, crossing his arms over his chest. "No. Not with the automail. I'm gonna get one black skirt that reaches my ankles in case of something formal or a dinner party, but I'll be wearing trousers the rest of the time. Dresses requires tights and those are too thin. It gets stuck around the knee plate and gets torn. I called Winry and told her that I met a girl who lost her leg. Said it had made me curious about if she could wear tights over the automail. She said that it works with some models, but those are far too expensive and with the type I have, it is out of the question."

The Colonel looked like Ed had punched him. And then he began digging through the box.

...And placed a pair of black briefs and a white bra with the place where the boobs should be, filled with some jelly-like stuff so that they would look like they were filled naturally. And they were Ed's size.

He turned bright red, seeing Mustang's mouth open to tease him, but Ed cut him off. "Remember who's gonna wear a dress and hair extensions!"

The Colonel blushed slightly in turn. "Well, a wig would be too suspicious..." he mumbled, obviously trying to preserve his pride somewhat.

"Well, you need to get started on them right away... It takes a little time to get them fixed, you know."

Hughes put a hand on the Colonel's shoulder. "Come now, Roy, it won't be that long... Just down to your shoulders, and we'll just fix your fringe a bit so that it becomes straight. We won't even have to cut it."

Ed suddenly smirked. "Also, Colonel, you need to practice the voice."

Mustang glared, looking like Ed had murdered his puppy or something, before his mouth widened in a smirk of his own. "Well, that goes for you too, Fullmetal..."

Ed bit his lip, knowing that that was awkward and then some. "Yeah... I suppose so..." Then a thought struck him. "But at least I won't have to talk about my non-existent husband that got me pregnant, while doing the girl voice." He smirked at the older alchemist's blushing face.

...Trying to block out the thoughts that were making his stomach clench, with a bit of verbal sparring.

Because he didn't want to think about how he wasn't just going to pretend that the Colonel was his parent, but his mother.

Roy was dying.

At least he wanted to.

Or have it be some horrible nightmare.

Or a vivid hallucination.

...Because he had just spotted Vanessa from the bar, looking at him in confusion from the other side of the road.

He shook his head at her slightly, silently telling her not to say anything about this to anyone.

Vanessa just looked like she wanted to laugh as she kept walking.

And Fullmetal was walking next to him. He really looked like a short, teenage girl. They had coloured the boy's eyebrows so that they were black, so as to seem as inconspicuous as possible. And the kid looked ...odd.

...Mainly because he had boobs. Boobs under his white blouse, beige, boot cut trousers and a pair of feminine, white plimsolls. His right hand was sticking out of the sleeve, seeing as how his gloves were a bit too conspicuous with those clothes and the warm May weather. He also had a denim handbag over his shoulder, Roy himself with a creamy white one.

And if Roy hadn't recognised his subordinate's eyes, he would have been fooled completely. But that was probably just because Edward Elric was the only person he had met who had golden eyes.

...And Roy himself was wearing a dress. A blue summer dress with butterfly sleeves reaching his elbows to hide his muscles, the skirt reaching to a few inches below his knees. And light brown sandals, which meant that he had shaved his legs. And he was now carrying a shopping bag in each hand with their new clothes.

"Hey, Ma, you okay? You're looking pale," came Fullmetal's voice next to him, looking up at him. Or not really his voice. A feminine one. Because that kid was obviously a quick study. And the ponytail looked distinctly feminine. He had seen Fullmetal wear a ponytail before... But this one didn't look like they normally did. It was higher on his head and tighter, and he was wearing a white scrunchie rather than the usual red hair tie. The boy had decided on "Ma" as the best name for him as it was one that wasn't as much of an insult to his mother.

"Yes, Freddie," Roy told him, not exactly pleased about his own voice. Second Lieutenant Ross had helped him with it, and it did sound feminine enough to sell the act. His baritone wasn't sounding too much like it now. He would never admit it to anyone, but he had practiced making his voice girly long before now. He had grown up in a hostess bar, after all. Roy had played a game with the waitresses about them trying to sound as boy-like as possible, while Roy had tried to sound like a girl. And so he had used his knowledge to his advantage in his present situation.

...Which in turn had made Fullmetal laugh his head off for ten minutes straight.

They had gone shopping on their own so as to get into character. Which meant that Roy had needed to help the kid pick out smart clothes that fitted his physique without making it obvious that the boy was a boy.

And Roy?

...Roy was a bit envious of Fullmetal because at least he got a name that could be turned into something gender neutral. He could see Hughes's way of thinking, of course. "Winnifred" would still work as an excuse should the kid slip up and call himself "Ed". And it also helped Fullmetal be a bit less uncomfortable about it all. He was a teenage boy who hadn't been on undercover missions before. And now he would be living with his boss and calling him his mother. Roy had been on undercover missions, some of them more awkward than others. But he knew what being an officer was like on similar missions. To do his duty and be on a shorter leash than he had given Fullmetal for the past two years. Roy had to say that he didn't like any of this. The embarrassment involved was bad enough. The awkwardness of trying to be the kid's parent was making his stomach clench slightly.

But most of all he felt guilty. Roy was professional, and he was one of the main contributors to psychologically torturing his youngest subordinate for an unknown amount of time.

...And there was one other thing that worried Roy; the way that he had spotted a couple of teenage boys looking at Fullmetal like they found him attractive. Because the kid did look pretty like this. The "Hey, do you want a lift?" kind of pretty. And with the boy's impulsiveness, that wasn't something that should be taken lightly. If someone managed to drug him, then it was very bad. And if they didn't, then the kid was most likely going to lose his temper. And he probably wouldn't keep his cover should that happen.

"Hey, Freddie... Could you please promise me that if someone calls you "small", you say that it's the automail? It would make sense, I suppose, having had a bunch of steel weighing you down constantly for the past three years?" Roy asked quietly, no mocking in his voice.

The boy's eyes widened, looking up at him with hope. "I never thought about that! I'll have to talk with my mechanic about it next time I come in for maintenance!" He thankfully kept his voice girly. And he had a small glimmer of gratitude in his eyes.

Roy nodded. "Also, you could say that I was a bit late about my own growth, and wasn't fully grown until I was eighteen." He was, after all, quite tall for a woman.

And three years older than he actually was.

And feeling ridiculous.

And worried.

And wearing mascara.

And...

...Dropping his shopping bags immediately as he whipped around, finding a man in his forties and who was over two metres tall. And yet Roy growled in his most intimidating voice that was still female. "Sir, I suggest that you do not pinch my backside again unless you want my daughter to punch you with her right fist!"

Fullmetal caught on immediately, holding up his right hand and smiling at the man in a way that should make people back down if they knew what was good for them.

The stranger didn't seem impressed, but he didn't seem particularly interested in causing a commotion either. And so he just shoved past Roy, walking, mumbling darkly.

"Well, that brought a lot of disturbing pictures to my mind..." Roy said, feeling very awkward as he picked up his shopping bags again.

"I get what you mean..." Fullmetal said, shivering.

"What the hell do you mean, "photo session?!"" Fullmetal demanded once Hughes brought it up. They had been treated to dinner with the Hugheses and would spend the night with them. They would head out to the town that would be their home for the duration of their mission.

And now dessert was done.

...And Hughes was obviously being evil again with a camera in his hand.

"You're going to look really suspicious if you're mother and daughter and have zero family pictures. This is a home where it's obvious that a family lives in."

"You want the Colonel to hug me and have us smile on command?" Fullmetal asked in horror with a hint of "no way in hell."

Roy, however, knew that not doing it would be a bad idea.

Hughes gave him an apologetic sigh. "Let's start with something simple, Ed. Some of these pictures should show the joy of you having mastered some of the skills that you couldn't do with your missing arm. That means that you two won't need to be in the same picture. Roy, you take the camera. Our photographing style is probably a bit different. Better to just be completely sure."

And so Roy stood up and walked over to Hughes, feeling the awkwardness of the dress as it brushed against the nearest chair. Then he grabbed the camera and looked at Hughes with a raised eyebrow. "What exactly do you want me to do from here, Hughes?"

"Take a picture of Winnifred eating ice cream with the spoon in her right hand."

Which was when Gracia arrived with a bowl with ice cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled on top of it. The kid didn't look too displeased about that part.

The two thumbs up on the couch went well, too. He was wearing a new change of clothes; a t-shirt and a denim jacket on top of it with matching trousers.

"Okay, out on the balcony, you two, light clothes, Gracia's getting the lemonade and the straws."

And so the two of them found themselves in a pair of long-sleeved summer dresses, Fullmetal's a light yellow, Roy in a white one with a green flower pattern. But they followed their orders, and looking at how tense the kid was, Roy was feeling increasingly guilty about this. Parents were a touchy subject with him, and now Roy was pretending to be his mother. One that he was supposed to love.

Roy had to admit that the thought was pretty uncomfortable. Everything about this mission was messed up. He really hoped that these pictures would be over and done with soon.

They went out on the balcony before looking back at Hughes, silently asking for directions. "Okay, sit down on a chair each, and Roy, you put your right arm around Ed's shoulders."

Roy paused.

Fullmetal paused.

"Uh, do we have to?" the kid asked awkwardly after two seconds of silence.

Hughes's eyes softened slightly. "I'm sorry, Ed, but see it as training for the mission. Being too awkward about it will be suspicious."

Fullmetal looked down. "Fine." Then he walked over to the chair, sat down, and didn't say a word. He didn't speak as Roy put his arm around him, the cold steel making things ten times worse. He hadn't actually hugged a kid like this. And he really didn't like anything about any of this.

...And it was just far too cruel to the kid he was hugging.

Then Fullmetal leant sideways, pressing his cheek to Roy's shoulder, putting on a surprisingly convincing smile.

But something was off.

Really off.

Roy was thoroughly traumatised by the time he went into the shared guest room. Apparently part of his cover included learning about what it was like to be pregnant. And to go into labour and the whole "push" scenario. And so Gracia had given him an in-depth description that he could use should someone ask. After all, he was supposed to be mingling with other mothers, possibly as soon as the following day. All they really knew was that they'd be going to the school at noon. They would talk to the headmaster about enrolling Freddie for the last two months before the summer. That way she could get a good overview of what being a student there was like and she could get to know her new class. Hughes would be staying in a house at the outskirts of town, ready to move in at all times, Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosh joining him.

He found Fullmetal in the bed closest to the window, facing it, his now black hair spread out behind him. He had his blanket pulled up to his chest, the bra and the red pyjamas just lying on the floor unceremoniously. Like he obviously hated the objects.

He had gone to bed very quickly after taking a picture of Winnifred leaning over her mother's shoulders, hugging her, grinning, Rita smiling at the camera, holding her hands on Freddie's.

The boy was sleeping soundly in his bed.

...Or pretending to be. "Fullmetal, you're awake, aren't you?" Roy asked gently, trying to comfort his subordinate.

"Piss off, Colonel."

Roy sighed, walking over to his own bed, pulling off his blouse and skirt, and of course that damned bra, leaving him in his briefs just like the kid across the room. "Listen, I'm sorry... This isn't easy for you," he said as he sat down and pulled his own blanket over himself. He rested his head on the pillow, finding his new hair to be very uncomfortable, and so he pushed it behind his ear. He looked at the kid across the room, his back partially exposed.

"I told you to piss off."

"Fullmetal, I'm just trying to look after my subordinate."

"Just shut up! I don't wanna lose any more sleep over this crap," the kid said sternly. "Why do you think I was so helpful with those last few pictures? I just wanted to get it done. Now leave me alone."

Roy had a bit of realisation hit him. "Did we recreate moments that you had with your own mother?"

"I said shut up, Colonel!"

"I'm sorry about this, Fullmetal," Roy told him, sighing heavily.

"You damn well be! If it hadn't been for your stupid reputation, at least I wouldn't have to pretend that you of all people were my mother!"

Roy cursed inwardly, not really knowing what to say. "I'm sorry."

"Just shut up! Apparently we have to spend a lot more hours together than what is healthy. Days, actually! Probably even weeks! And I won't be even be seeing Al for all that time, and he's already on the train to Resembool."

"Fullmetal I-" He didn't really know how to finish the sentence. This was going to be hard. And it was even more obvious now that this was a far too cruel mission.

"Just shut up and go to sleep. You owe me at least that." The boy's voice was so full of bitterness and spite.

Roy did as he was told, still not knowing what to say or do beyond that. He would have to talk to Fullmetal later, but right now, the boy was going to lose even more sleep.

And Roy needed some time to actually find out what to say to him anyways. Because he really wasn't very familiar with raising kids, and growing up in a bar wasn't the best thing to base his parenting on. It was obvious that he was entering some rather uncharted territory.

...And he had to admit that it scared him to think about how his relationship with his subordinate would change. Because Edward Elric hadn't had a parent for the past nine years.

So question was: would this be a mission that would have the kid asking for a transfer once it was done, because he never wanted to see Roy again?

...Or would they ease into their roles and Roy would end up as a parental figure to him?

Either way, this would make things a lot more complicated in the office.

And as a bit of a warning here at the end: my updating schedule will be rather inconsistent, seeing as how I don't force myself to write on a story when my muse is dormant, because it takes a lot of spirit out of the fic.

And so please leave a review, those often help inspire me to write further. (So please refrain from flames as they are very discouraging)